bubble: tapering off Lexapro and Xanax

[bubble]

Thanks so much dear Poke

 

I also find all of you so inspiring. For so many years I was the only one in the whole universe suffering while going to work and suffering at work and now I know so many of us fighting this battle. This makes so much difference...

 

hope things continue to improve for you and we are always around (until that big camping trip to New Zealand )

Bubble -

 

  Congratulations!!  how amazing you are!  I can't believe you did all of that ~~ but then again i can.

you are a power of example to me - the way you 'showed up'.

 

you are wonderful

on your healing journey

 

and you are also a real blessing in my life.

 

XOXOX

 

P

[bubble]

Hi bubble I haven't been around much so I had to go back to read what's been going on.  First of all congratulations

That's lovely.  Having a life partner is so comforting.

 

I like the Turtle Mascot.

 

I was looking at your tapering schedule and see that you taper twice a month.  Is that your Xanax?  How do you taper the Lexapro?  Same way?

 

It sounds like you have bounced back and I am glad you have.....

 

Hugs

Hi Nikki

 

great to hear from you. I noticed you were not around much but I understood this to be a good sign of feeling more comfortable in your life. I hope I was right. I read about your daughter but didn't know what to say Is she better? 

 

I'm only tapering Xanax and I haven't touched Lex since October. And I won't in near future. That Xanax is so very vicious and I ended up at such a high dose that I first have to come down off it significantly before tackling Lex. slow, slow. slow...

 

My husband just said we are having a honeymoon with a difference: went to my mom in the country, falling asleep to the song of crickets, not going anywhere with public or any other form of transport, not seeing many people and yet being active: I was working in the garden and it was so restorative! I feel so much calmer and focused now. Sending some of that peace your way.

 

hugs,

bubble

[bubble]

Very best wishes, Bubble ~!~ I'm very happy for you!!

 

I, too, am in awe of all you manage to accomplish (research?! amazing!). And I understand completely the sorrow of not being "all there," particularly poignant during an important life event. BUT you were there, perhaps even more than you realize, and the memories will be especially precious when you look back from the perspective of increased recovery.

 

I occasionally screw up dosing, myself. This morning's Wellbutrin was 20 min late, and now know those minutes matter! And, frequently these days I catch myself "returning" the orange juice to a cupboard (rather than fridge) or taking a pot out of the dishwasher and going to store it in the fridge. Yesterday, I cut herbs from the garden, got a paper towel to dry them on, and rinsed the paper towel under the faucet instead of the herbs (resulting in a mini-meltdown)   I don't know if it's menopause, or w/d, but my money is on the w/d.

 

Your reminder to yourself is SPOT ON - for all of us. You have already overcome and accomplished so much! In Al-Anon, we say, I am enough. I have enough. I do enough.

 

Take extra care of yourself, gentle rest and relaxation. <hug>

 

Thanks a lot dear mlrp!

 

We had quite some difficulties not such a long time ago but now everything is as it is actually our usual way: my husband just discovered his talent for painting and I'm truly amazed. It's so nice to see him finding things about himself, getting in touch with himself and being able to support him. 

 

And you are right: although I was not all there at the wedding, I was there and now I really enjoy looking at our pictures recognising the moments when I did get into the swing of things. Thank you for sharing about your moments of absent mindedness. It helps to know it happens to others as well It's actually amazing how I managed to be so regular for all those months and it's not easy with syringes 5 times a day. I guess I got too relaxed since everything was going on so well.

 

This is just great so I intend to repeat it for myself:  I am enough. I have enough. I do enough.

 

I also enjoy having you around in our little community a lot

 

It's so much easier to travel in such great company (despite the ugliness of the journey...)

 

greetings to all from our restorative country honeymoon. Looking forward to some more vegetation meditation as Amy calls it tomorrow  

 

(although I have 50 pages to translate as well: money needed as much as the rest) It's amazing how much difference one day of gentle activity can do! For the  first half an hour I actually felt as if I wasn't able to do it. Thinking: OMG, I can't even focus on digging. But knowing how things improve after a certain threshold, I slowly and gently continued and then it happened: I got lost in the moment, I got calm, I was there, I was me. I was even able to see many things a lot more clearly.

 

be gently active, use your body to help heal your brain: that would be the morale... (but there is a difference between going to a crowded store and digging around gentle plants in a perfect quiet of natural sounds, colours, smells...)

 

hugs

[Nikki]

Bubbles....my daughter is doing well.  thank you for asking.  Yes Xanax is vicious.  Here in the states people are switched from Xanax to ativan to taper.

 

Wishing you  lovely life together:)

 

I have been working and spending time on another site on FB for tapering psych meds,  Made some friends there and were have a Chat Group on the Message section.  I go onto FB alot so I automatically see them,

 

I will get over  to my thread after I finish catching up with everyone:)

[NewMe]

Bubbles you are such an uplifting inspiration! Thank you!

 

The fact that your avi is a bubble makes me happy!

[Petunia]

Stopping by your thread Bubble to say I'm thinking about you, hope you are enjoying your break from work/honeymoon.

[bubble]

Hello dear NewMe and Petu,

 

that's so sweet of you to pay me a visit. If I'd known, I'd would've baked you a cake

 

yes, I continue to be fine and on the mend. I'm so used to being tired a lot, occasional anxiety, feeling down or cranky, not being all there but as longs as they are just clouds scudding across an otherwise blue skies, I don't complain. I've been much worse so at times like this I just look at things I can do and feel blessed: I'm not frightened of leaving home, I can go everywhere (with more or less effort), I can make plans and arrangements without fear I'll have to cancel them at the last moment, I'm blessed with reasonable quality of sleep...and so on Very important for me, I don't feel bad for lying down when I'm tired (at least two times per day), not being as active or involved or social as I'd like to be and I practice accepting what it is to be me without getting worked up over it....(such as not being so relaxed and popular with children

 

We "borrowed" kids from my neighbours in the country and brought them over for 4 days of enjoying the capital. It was really strenuous but nice and me and my husband proved out to be a good team in that respect He is actually great with kids and they quickly got very fond of him and said they even liked him better than me. Somebody had to be strict Of course I again feel bad about not being able to have my own kids and hope it won't be too late by the time I get off all these meds...

 

Now I have 4 more days to relax from hols before going back to work. With kids being reclaimed by their parents I'll have more time to catch up with all of you here

 

hugs

[mattinsmom]

Yay you!

[Rhiannon]

Hi bubble, glad to hear about your fun and healing holiday. Hugs!

[bubble]

Hello all,

 

slowly getting back from my very relaxing hols. Got so relaxed (lazy) that now I have difficulties posting But hope will get back into gear soon. 

 

At this point, I just want to write a note to myself: Speeding up only slows things down.

 

I was doing soooo well following the pampering and relaxation after the kids left. Boy, was I exhausted. Slept a lot for 3 days and at the same time took long walks in nature, harvested things, worked in the garden...(translated - I finished what I thing is my longest translation to date: 100 pages). The end result was such a great feeling of wellbeing that I haven't known in a long while, if ever. And then I had to spoil it. I was somehow thinking that this being the most stress free period of the year for me, I could try and see how I will do with cutting a bit sooner than usually. The moral of that story is the note above. 3 days into the cut, today I woke up to a much more active cortisol than in a long while. Nothing drastic but still not necessary.

 

The problem is also that I started having this "dream" of getting down to 1.25 when I can go back to pills again (5 times 0.25) (and do a longer hold). Being so close to that great milestone makes me increasingly impatient. In general, since I'm doing so well, I'm not so much focused on being well but making plans and counting how long it will take (to get off). I even have my next milestone planned out: 0.625 Xanax when I can again go on pills (5 times half of 0.25 pill) and then hold and start with a historic endavour of cutting on Lex. This is especially bad since I even have a tentative timeframe for that goal: around my birthday in April...

 

For the last, let's say 8 years I've mostly felt great in summer and then I would reduce that is come off of my medication and start a new horror. This summer I'm doing it differently, so so very differently!

 

I have Rhi's voice playing in my head all the time: slow down, slow down but Rhi and anyone feel free to reprimand me anyway

 

I've been following, in my relaxed only reading way, your stories here and was extremely happy to see you are mostly doing fine and fighting great battles

 

many hugs and prepare cakes for visits (my appetite has gone through the roof again, grrrr).

[Pokeshaw]

Hi Bubble ~  Good to hear your update!  And your holidays sounded so wonderful. It is great that you have such a break in the summer.

 

i am doing ok, still holding at current dose with a window here and there. looks like i might need to stay at this dose for a while longer. i am hoping for some leveling out and wont make a move til that happens!  Def Rhi's voice is in my head too! 

 

Off to work now, but just wanted to say hello!

 

Cheers!

 

Poke

[mattinsmom]

Hi there

 

No reprimands, you are doing a more than adequate job of that yourself. Could be time to let yourself off the hook for trying something a little too soon. Just sayin'

[mlrp]

 I practice accepting what it is to be me without getting worked up over it...

 

Just  a quick hello from me, Bubble! I agree you are doing a great job of managing your taper and practicing self-care, despite the minor mis-step. I've lately been dealing with a lot of impatience over how long this process is going to take.. Very not in-the-moment thinking. I suppose it's good, on the one hand, to feel well enough to even be able to imagine what a more fully recovered me would feel like, but so counterproductive to dwell on it to the point of frustration. I think I'm going to print out in 72-point font the above quote from you and paste it on my wall! 

 

I hope things are continuing well for you.

[bubble]

Dear mlrp and all,

 

I've been meaning to write an update and feel inspired with what you wrote in your recent updates but getting a bit delayed.

 

Mlrp, I think each and one of us succumbs to not being in the moment, getting impatient with the taper (even Rhi and all sorts of other things I like to remember what a priest once told me: we are not only what we are but what we want to be. That is to say, even when we are failing to behave in accordance with our best knowledge, we are still very much formed by our aspirations .

 

I'm still recovering from cutting too much too soon (and once again learning how important it is to pay attention to what Rhi is saying). Ok, I was trying to see whether I can cut more when in a very stress free period and now I know: no, I can't. At least not Xanax. It's been two weeks now and i still feel quite wobbly. In the meantime, the anxiety was kicking me real hard with the return of cortisol mornings at one point. After that anxiety morphed into depression in the form of increased sensitivity, fragility, vulnerability, insecurity, irritability... I felt pretty misearble, wanted to cry but I couldn't. I even experienced a few mild but scarry DP/DR episodes. After a long time, my unwellness also took the form of the need to isolate myself and be on my own, even withdraw from my forum activities. Still, I managed to bring to an end my few month effort of working on/translating a report and finishing little research. And finally got rewarded with a mini break and three sunny days in the country that made a difference.

 

In hindsight, I think I should've probably updosed when I noticed that the withdrawal after the cut was more severe than usual but after a while the best I could do was to wait for it to pass. Despite all that I wasn't worried as I was before when I was cutting and was hit by withdrawal but didn't know what it was and why I felt the way I did. I would just get so scared that I would increase the drug and so on and so on. As Petu writes, knowing what I know now and remembering what I did before and what horrors I perpetrated against my poor CNS in my ignorance, I wonder how I survived. 

 

I look forward to catching up with all of you.

 

big hugs

[Petunia]

Glad to hear you are ok and recovering from your cut.  Thanks for updating Bubble, and letting us know how you have been, I often wonder what's going on with people when they disappear for a while.  I'm like you and feel the need to keep to myself when I'm not feeling well.

 

(hugs)

[mattinsmom]

Checking in. 

You ok?

[bubble]

Checking in. 

You ok?

 

Dear Amy,

 

it's so nice of you to check on me. I can't believe it's already been 2 weeks since my last update. Even your kind message couldn't motivate me to reply.

 

I'm still struggling. I haven't been this unwell for this long since spring. It seems the veil is lifting but very slowly. This time it has attacked my will and motivation. That's what I call operating with the help of a crane. Everything seems so hard like the air around me has become water. It's still pretty much the same as I wrote two weeks ago: I still need isolation and being a tightly closed shell. It's just worse because it's taking so long. I think some windows are beginning to emerge when things clear out and my grasp of reality stops being a pained detachment. 

 

What makes things additionally hard is this extreme ambivalence and indecisiveness. I'm just not sure whether I really dislike something or whether these are neuroemotions. It's just that there are too many things I dislike at the moment and with too much fervor. In times like that I just accept my condition as a temporary state of affairs. It's painful not to be able to make a decision on what to buy for my friend's birthday but I accept that it is like this now and simply decide not to make a decision. But some things cannot be deferred. Especially not for so long.

 

Although some time ago I made peace with my job and made a decision that I am OK with it, at the moment I dislike it intensely. I hate sitting in the office for 8 hours every day with very little interaction . I'm annoyed with my boss's management style. I think I'd like to go somewhere else, do something else maybe even radically different but I'm not sure if I wouldn't feel the same regardless of what I did. And of course I don't have the courage to make a change and I'm not in the state to cope with any changes.

 

On top of everything I'm physically unwell. My strange stomach issues have flared up. My day starts with extreme nausea followed by diarrhea and this continues throughout the day together with occasional burning sensation. Then I feel physically exhausted to the point of just collapsing on the couch after coming home from work. I sleep a lot during the weekend or just lie totally lethargic. I manage to go for walks which help as always. But the weather is atrocious. We are experiencing biblical rains that have been going on for three weeks with very brief periods when you can see the sun. 

 

Maybe it's not just the last cut but all the previous cuts that have caught up with me. And then there was the shock of coming back to work, to that difficult routine and then also the rain which makes everyone feel down.

 

I'm reading all your posts regularly but just don't have the energy to reply.

 

your deflated bubble

[mattinsmom]

I'm so sorry to read "deflated". 

 

I worry sometimes about the amount of things that I dislike and the fervor with which I dislike them. I have found that the fervor decreases when I stop trying to justify why I don't like something (someone). And, there are a lot of things I don't like. It is easier for me to figure out what I don't like, my brain just works that way. 

 

I am always in awe of the people here that work with w/d from these meds. I'm a stay at home mom but my boys are big and mostly self-sufficient. There are so many times that I have found myself unable to move, let alone work or care for kids. Or the days where simply inhaling is a monumental feat! I am so in awe of you for getting to work, even by crane. 

 

When I read about your days I see a sense of boredom. Maybe changing something would be a helpful thing, shake things up a little. It doesn't have to be as big as changing jobs. Maybe listen to a kind of music you don't normally. Wear your clothes backwards for a day just for sh**s and giggles. Take your boss flowers (male or female) and tell them "just because" for the reason why. Mess with his/her head a little. Dye your hair. I found shaving my head to be rather cathartic  

 

As for the belly - I understand. Try to remember that when food/fuel is not going in/staying in, that your body will have little to run on. Some of your lethargy, exhaustion can be connected to a lack of nutrition. Your iron is probably off, your Bs are probably off, your everything is probably off. I remember, even before w/d, how exhausted I was when my body wasn't processing the food I was giving it. I was shocked when my doctor told me that I was malnourished even tho I was "technically" eating. I knew I was "off" but I thought malnourished only happened in situations where there no food at all. 

 

I do hope that the window opens for you - asap. Get a little air back into that bubble.

[bubble]

Dear Amy,

 

thanks a lot for taking the time to analise my situation! Your analysis was really spot on and you were right to "diagnose" me with boredom It is a kind of vicious circle others might also be very familiar with: my mental and physical energy is so low that I can't do things, see people, go places... and this makes me stick with covering the basics which turns life into a tedious routine without highlights which in turn makes me even more depleted and down...

 

I sometimes things that working while in WD is  aform of self inflicted masochism. It has its benefits but when I fall asleep only towards morning only to be woken up by an alarm, it sucks. If I could stay at home/work from home sometimes, things would be a lot easier for me. But this is not a practice in my country. I might go and ask for it but the challanges I would have to deal with upon disclosing my "little mental health secret" would far outweigh the benefits. So if things are really bad I occasionaly treat myself to a day off or take  a sick leave on account of my stomach. Amy, I've been reading a lot about gut health and how to improve and am trying to find my way.

 

I wonder how mothers with small children manage...

 

Your wish is my command and some air seems to have entered the bubble immediately upon your request! This morning I woke up a lot fresher than in weeks. I didn't feel like I was raising from my grave and didn't require services of my rusty crane. It's almost 2 pm and my head still feels (relatively) clear. I don't feel so painfully vulnerable and insecure. My focus is better and I simply enjoy a more effortless living.

 

Oh my, maybe I started climbing out of the pit. And there was some sun as well! Maybe I should be renamed into a sunflower

 

hugs

[andy]

 

 

Although some time ago I made peace with my job and made a decision that I am OK with it, at the moment I dislike it intensely. I hate sitting in the office for 8 hours every day with very little interaction . I'm annoyed with my boss's management style. I think I'd like to go somewhere else, do something else maybe even radically different but I'm not sure if I wouldn't feel the same regardless of what I did. And of course I don't have the courage to make a change and I'm not in the state to cope with any changes.

 

 

 

this is a description of exactly how i feel about work,when I look back the last 18 months I dont know how I have turned up every day without having a single day off sick.6 weeks out of hospital i was back full time  !!! crazy,i suppose its the distraction that does you good in the end ?

keep swimming bubble the energy will return slowly and things will get better

[Meimeiquest]

Hi Sunflower! Always enjoy your stories, even when living them isn't fun! Hope the sun keeps shining, although we're all about to pass through another season of dreaded darkness.

[areyouthere]

Hi Bubbles the sunflower!!! Stopping by to say that you sound a bit better today. I'm glad that Amy's suggestions resonated some with you. Isn't it amazing when someone from the "outside looking in" really feels like they are inside with you looking out? It's amazing how a simple connection that clicks can be so uplifting.

 

I sure hope that the sun keeps shining for you. For me , sometimes that's all that it takes to really jump start a new window.

 

Wishing you a jumpstart...

 

RU

[bubble]

 

 

 

Although some time ago I made peace with my job and made a decision that I am OK with it, at the moment I dislike it intensely. I hate sitting in the office for 8 hours every day with very little interaction . I'm annoyed with my boss's management style. I think I'd like to go somewhere else, do something else maybe even radically different but I'm not sure if I wouldn't feel the same regardless of what I did. And of course I don't have the courage to make a change and I'm not in the state to cope with any changes.

 

 

 

this is a description of exactly how i feel about work,when I look back the last 18 months I dont know how I have turned up every day without having a single day off sick.6 weeks out of hospital i was back full time  !!! crazy,i suppose its the distraction that does you good in the end ?

keep swimming bubble the energy will return slowly and things will get better

 

 

Thank you for sharing your experience Andy. It means a lot to know that we are not the only ones in this situation. I really think working in such states is heroic. However, as you say there are a lot of benefits, distraction being one of them. I was actually afraid to stay at home alone with my own thoughts and with that awful inactivity that wouldn't do me any good. I believe that by forcing myself to move I was facilitating my recovery. It's all about measure. Sometimes it's good to stay at home and focus entirely on oneself. But sometimes that's counterproductive. If I can't feel what would be the best for me in a given moment, I go by a mechanic principle: one day I am as inactive as I feel the need to be, I succumb to my feelings but then the next day I ignore them and go and do things despite feeling completely different. Unless I force myself into something traumatic and manage to choose a gentle activity, I always find this very beneficial. The trick part is that it is generally beneficial to "listen to one's own feelings" and act in accordance with them but when our emotional core itself is under attack and unwell can we still give it the undivided trust? Even Leonard Cohen says; I can't trust my inner feelings (Inner feelings come and go). We have some other reasons to doubt them (when they turn into neuroemotions).

 

Also I have found out ways of providing myself with gentle care even in the midst of a stressful situation like for instance having to do something at work: first of all I lower my expectations from myself, I congratulate myself for even being there and everything over that mere presence I consider a bonus. The key was giving myself a licence to be slow and underperforming and not feel too bad about it. I do feel bad about it but try not to feel too much and try to look at myself from a sympathetic point of view. If I had a physical illness people would cut me slacks and be nice to me but in this situation I have to do this for myself.

I am very fortunate that I manage to come up with good quality work even under very difficult circumstances. Sometimes I don't know how I manage to do it. But having a task and a purpose (usually) helps.

 

The way I feel about my job actually depends on my general level of emotional (un)wellness. Those sentences I wrote above are actually products of neuroemotions. I'm saying this because when I feel emotionally sturdier despite the facts of my job being the same, I FEEL differently about them or at least I don't mind them, especially not that much. So in situations when I do feel like this about my job I actually try and focus on other aspects of my life and improving the quality of my life through meeting friends, taking up my exercising programme, resuming a hobby. When I feel more satisfied with my life in general, I feel more positive about my job. It's hard, hard, hard. But the worst part is when I get tired of fighting.

 

 

Hi Bubbles the sunflower!!! Stopping by to say that you sound a bit better today. I'm glad that Amy's suggestions resonated some with you. Isn't it amazing when someone from the "outside looking in" really feels like they are inside with you looking out? It's amazing how a simple connection that clicks can be so uplifting.

 

I sure hope that the sun keeps shining for you. For me , sometimes that's all that it takes to really jump start a new window.

 

Wishing you a jumpstart...

 

RU 

 

 

Now I feel I actually got that spark, that will to fight back. RU, not sure it's going to be a jump start but shy opening of a window yesterday made things look different and Meimei, it coincided with more sun and a weather forecast which announces even more sun in the following days. I even took a day off in order to enjoy it. It's amazing how Amy detected my boredom and how you can tell it from my writing that I feel a bit better 

 

I also came up with an idea of how to break my boredom: there is my yoga class I want to resume. But more importantly, I was getting quietly sad that since being with my husband I stopped taking hikes with my hiking club. He is a foreigner and he was not really fit for hiking. At first I didn't mind that the two of us would go on short trails but gradually I have become quite unfit myself and couldn't go on very strenuous hikes that my club organises. Also being in withdrawal I shouldn't expose myself to too strenuous activity. But now I realised there are other sections in the club apart from the high mountain one which I used to belong (and which was always challenging for me with speeding senior citizens that would leave me breathless far behind). There are excursions, ecological section and seniors  So I'm very excited with the idea of joining one of those for one day weekend excursions to different parts of the country without strenuous 8 hour walking and conquering peaks! They also have two groups: those who want a more vigorous type of activity and those of us who would settle down with a mere 3 to 4 hour walk in the woods

 

It's incredible how much that idea cheered me up. Weekend breaks with a group of mentally and physically upbeat (mostly older  people and diversity of walks, exploring the new meant so much to me. And there is a great chance my husband will enjoy it too since they want be too excessive. 

 

Not so much sun today so feeling less upbeat than yesterday but I again have a will to fight and that's what matters.

 

 

Hi Sunflower! Always enjoy your stories, even when living them isn't fun! Hope the sun keeps shining, although we're all about to pass through another season of dreaded darkness.

 

 

Meimei, I've definitely noticed again something that I've been aware of for quite some time: I seem to have my spring/summer and my autumn/winter persona. I respect those natural cycles very much. I think it's very important to be in touch with them. In autumn it's somehow as if nature invites us to be more reflective, not to say pensive and reduce activity just like nature is preparing to take a nap. It naturally entails some lowering of mood but it is problem with our thinking that we would at all times like to be upbeat and don't accept on many levels that both pleasant and unpleasant moments make up life and make it what it is.

 

This is a bit different from what dreaded darkness does to brains like ours so I'm seriously investigating ways of buying a dawn simulator with a light box function. Recommendations are very welcome. I studied our thread on the topic here (It became active again: time to prepare 

 

hugs to all

[andy]

I really feel exactly the same as you bubble ,I work in sales and i am actually 50% over target even though i am only just starting to recover and not at my full potential.I had a great councilor who told me to go  back and only give 60% he gauranteed me it would be enough and he was right.Some days though I really struggle usually when its quiet and also like today when I am driving for long periods of time with only my own thoughts to occupy me !

take care,wishing you well

 

[areyouthere]

There are excursions, ecological section and seniors   So I'm very excited with the idea of joining one of those for one day weekend excursions to different parts of the country without strenuous 8 hour walking and conquering peaks! They also have two groups: those who want a more vigorous type of activity and those of us who would settle down with a mere 3 to 4 hour walk in the woods

 

It's incredible how much that idea cheered me up. Weekend breaks with a group of mentally and physically upbeat (mostly older  people and diversity of walks, exploring the new meant so much to me. And there is a great chance my husband will enjoy it too since they want be too excessive. 

 

Not so much sun today so feeling less upbeat than yesterday but I again have a will to fight and that's what matters.

 

 

 

I seem to have my spring/summer and my autumn/winter persona. I respect those natural cycles very much. I think it's very important to be in touch with them. In autumn it's somehow as if nature invites us to be more reflective, not to say pensive and reduce activity just like nature is preparing to take a nap. It naturally entails some lowering of mood but it is problem with our thinking that we would at all times like to be upbeat and don't accept on many levels that both pleasant and unpleasant moments make up life and make it what it is.

 

 

The hiking sounds great. I'm gong to start a yoga class the end of October too!!  And in regard to the cycles... I' m TOTALLY on board with that!! If I'm understanding you correctly you are suggesting to just go with what nature directs us to do during the seasonal changes. For example, in the Fall wind down, instead of fighting that natural rhythm ( including lower mood) work on the though process and figure out a way to simple celebrate what is being directed instead of fighting it. ...but yet at the same time not "give in" to it . I like it. RU

[Meimeiquest]

I really feel exactly the same as you bubble ,I work in sales and i am actually 50% over target even though i am only just starting to recover and not at my full potential.I had a great councilor who told me to go  back and only give 60% he gauranteed me it would be enough and he was right.Some days though I really struggle usually when its quiet and also like today when I am driving for long periods of time with only my own thoughts to occupy me !

take care,wishing you well

On the days when I feel like I maybe shouldn't even be there I try to think about the cost of replacing an employee and the value of continuity. Some days that is all I bring...they don't have a scheduling problem.

 

To me, the worst of winter is Christmas and the big suspense....can she pull it off?

[bubble]

The hiking sounds great. I'm gong to start a yoga class the end of October too!!  And in regard to the cycles... I' m TOTALLY on board with that!! If I'm understanding you correctly you are suggesting to just go with what nature directs us to do during the seasonal changes. For example, in the Fall wind down, instead of fighting that natural rhythm ( including lower mood) work on the though process and figure out a way to simple celebrate what is being directed instead of fighting it. ...but yet at the same time not "give in" to it . I like it. RU

 

 

 

Thank you RU for rephrasing my thoughts so nicely  in the Fall wind down, instead of fighting that natural rhythm ( including lower mood) work on the though process and figure out a way to simply celebrate what is being directed instead of fighting it. ...but yet at the same time not "give in" to it. 

 

Even low mood has a purpose. It makes us see things differently, from a different angle and that makes the end result of our observation or problem solving a much better quality. Also if I'm in a low mood, I will spend less and maybe make a better use of what I already have.

 

Meimeiquest, on 16 Sept 2014 - 8:11 PM, said:

On the days when I feel like I maybe shouldn't even be there I try to think about the cost of replacing an employee and the value of continuity. Some days that is all I bring...they don't have a scheduling problem.

 

To me, the worst of winter is Christmas and the big suspense....can she pull it off?

 

 

MeiMei, this is a great example of how we can find something positive in very difficult situation (only if we try, and sometimes try very hard

 

Yes, instead of thinking about all the things I'm not doing (looking at the emptiness of the glass), I can always find at least that little something that my non-functional presence at work brings. And continuity is a great benefit

 

I'm still expecting to simply snap out of my sluggish state but it seems there is no snapping out: just a very gradual coming out of the pit. And windows and waves exchanging throughout the day. 

 

I was just so happy that I stood my ground and chose to protect myself from a situation that was harming me. I feel so good about it that I would actually like to describe it in more detail. I came across managers from a school were I worked before and they told me they had some work for me. I'm always on the look out for additional odd jobs that could help my difficult financial situation so I was eager to explore the option. First I had to sit through a lengthy meeting at which I was explained the concept and I said I would give it a try. (actually I was operating in the eager to please and go along mode).

 

I was supposed to develop some teaching material. The other session involved even more detailed discription and giving me a very detailed manual on how to do things. When I started working on it, I got very vividly reminded of why I was so eager to leave them over 5 years ago: my husband immediately found the term which describes them best: exploitative. They offer little money and expect a superior quality. I'm all for delivering superior quality but their way of doing things is not conducive to that: they just wanted to "copy" the already existing material and my task would be to modify it so that they are not accused of violating copy rights. I simply detest such methods. At first I just felt very uncomfortable and was very angry with myself for taking up the "job". 

 

I also remembered how they wouldn't pay me in any reasonable time so felt even more frustrated for coming near them again. It was such time-consuming and low paying task and following directions would actually go against my standards of what I consider a qood quality teaching material. 

 

I was so angry and frustrated that withdrawal made me feel so ambivalent and prevented me from seeing things clearly. How could I even let myself be dragged again into a situation of being exploited? After a while I experienced a miracle of therapy. I realised that my style of working and functioning is different than theirs. Not better but also not worse, just different. I realised that I didn't want to work with them at all for many reasons: little money for too much work, poor standards of quality while at the same time insiting on very rigid "false quality" standards. 

 

One of the reasons for my psychological malfunctioning that led me to taking drugs in the first place is this difficulty I have in extracting myself from situations and people that are bad for me or that simply don't agree with me for whatever reason. The majority of people wouldn't have any problems in identifying their feelings sooner and more clearly than me and also simply saying NO, thank you without too much if any inner turmoil. But not me. 

 

I grew up in such environment where expresing my needs was not met with any responses or they were negative and my feelings were neglected. I was also raised by grandmother whose love or better to say approval of me depended on my compliance with her rules and standards instead of acceptance of who I was. That's why I have awful difficulties in performing very simple acts of self-protection: if there is  draught in the room I will rather suffer it than inconvenience others and express my "feelings" and needs even at that very basic level. 

 

I realised that a few years ago. It was a WOW moment. But I still have to practice implementing it and practice new neurological pathways of reacting. I know a lot of people have problems of that kind. No is a complete sentence was written. This recognising and respecting of my personal boundaries is so very important for me.

 

So I did it. I told them NO. I decided I didn't want to change them, invest my time and energy into giving them any feedback. I just wanted to extricate myself from them having learnt that I absolutely don't want to work with them ever again. I didn't give many reasons, especially not the real ones because I decided they were not worth them. I was perfectly OK with them thinking that I'm incompetent. Actually I don't care about what they think. I'm different than them and their opinion of me is not relevant for me.

 

How liberating!!! 

[bubble]

I have to briefly record this.

 

There were 2 warm and sunny days in a row. I go on a relaxing business trip to my home town, take a day off to enjoy a sunny Friday. I am happy enjoying the time with my husband and my family and peaceful atmosphere in the country. I look forward to being busy in the woods. I want to meet my friends badly: After weeks of lethargy and depression I feel alive again. I can even remember the joy of life I experienced as a teenager living in my parent s house. I think I am out of the and and will soon be able to cut again.

 

AND THEN. I start getting irritable, edgy, cranky.. you name it. We take a stroll in the town, everything is peaceful and relaxing. All I have to do is plan an even more pleasurable way of spending time but I almost shout at UNICEF people who stop us. The irritability is building up. I am trying very hard not to shout at people for no reason. We enter a store and I get hit by DP DR. It passes relatively quickly but I continue to feel zoned out.

 

But most of all, I am worried. It does not make sense. Why did it happen? I did not cut, I did not miss the dose, I have been very stead with my medication, there are no stressors in present nor in immediate future or future in general. So why, why. why so completely out of the blue???

 

The only idea I have is that this PMS fueled irritability might have fueled and triggered anxiety. Having some sort of explanation helps a lot. Because if I have no idea why things are happening, I cannot do anything. I just feel hopeless. Having an idea of what might be causing what helps immensely to feel I am in control and I will remain so, come off these drugs and be well, be able to do things that I like and that I appreciate so much more after all this. Simple, little things...

[Pokeshaw]

Hi Bubble - i am so sorry to hear about this episode. not fun, and i understand the worry.  sounds to me like you nailed it in the last part of your share:

The only idea I have is that this PMS fueled irritability might have fueled and triggered anxiety. Having some sort of explanation helps a lot. Because if I have no idea why things are happening, I cannot do anything. I just feel hopeless. Having an idea of what might be causing what helps immensely to feel I am in control and I will remain so, come off these drugs and be well, be able to do things that I like and that I appreciate so much more after all this. Simple, little things...

 

I hope you are feeling a little better today.

 

Sending a brooklyn hug!!

 

P

[andy]

Sending you a hug bubbles

[Addax]

I am sorry to read about you experience. Having that feeling of normal swept away is so disheartening... I know it too well, and I just hate it.

 

Other than my own experience and reading about it other than on people's threads here I can only guess that the hormonal shift that occurs with PMS has some kind of influence on our experience of withdrawal. My own PMS symptoms were only always fatigue and maybe water retention. However during this withdrawal my fatigue is intensified, and I have found I am more irritable, and I seem to have more physical symptoms of PMS than I've had before. I don't know that the two things are related, but if our bodies are in a sort of hypersensitive state in withdrawal, it makes sense to me that one would impact the other.

 

I hope by the time you read this you are feeling better.

[mattinsmom]

I'm sorry the wind was taken from under your kite. It is so hard to get a glimpse of what we want and then have it fade when we are almost there. That said, yay you. You went out, you had fun (for awhile), and you stood up for your convictions and walked away from what didn't  meet your standards (work). Maybe that big decision caught up with you a little while you were away and triggered some of the edgy?

 

Please don't underestimate pms. Hormones are so incredibly influential. 

 

Hugs

Amy

[mlrp]

Hello, Bubble *~*

 

I hope you are feeling a bit "bouncier" these days. You have so much inherent wisdom and personal insight, I can't add much except to thank you for sharing your gifts with others (like me!). Thanks so much for stopping by my thread the other day.

 

I know what it's like to practically all of a sudden close up your shell and isolate. (Where's that wonderful little jpg I've seen posted here with the person who is given a nest to burrow into? I so relate!) I'm just coming out of my own recent "going within." On the one hand, it's scary because it feels like a step backward. But there is the other side of it - that you so eloquently share - which is to accept, go with, almost cooperate with, the downward feeling states, knowing that they will eventually lift. Add to that, the change of seasons, and I can see where many of us might be needing to "adjust."

 

I'm very happy that you are finding positive and rewarding "adjustments" to your hiking regimen. I've just started a weekly tai chi class (had done tai chi years ago and found it tremendously beneficial) that I'm excited about.

 

I was never one to have very marked reactions to hormonal changes but lately (now in menopause) I'm paying more attention to it as a contributor to symptoms. This withdrawl stuff is truly a game-changer.

 

I have faith in you, Bubble. Hope you are feeling better soon (if not already).

[bubble]

Thank you dear mlrp!

 

Thank God I've been feeling progressively better since Sunday. Depression has gradually lifted and now I live and breath. I bought myself a yellow handbag on discount to dispel the winter gloom It's soooo warm and bright.

 

Today is the first day of my period and it's like a storm has suddenly blown itself out! But I won't forget how awfully it made me feel. I did read an article about perimenopause and I pretty much fit the description, except for hot flashes. Unless increase in my temperature is not that. I will definitely check about natural ways to influence one's hormones...

 

I think I'm ready to make my next cut after 33 days of holding! I managed to hold for 33 days, wow!!! It was an amazing experience: HOLDS WORK, if anyone was wondering. In the past if I was feeling as unwell as I did after my last cut I thought that I couldn't get better without increasing medication. That I can only get worse unless I take a higher dose. 

 

But now I just had to wait and hold steady and here I am on the other side!!! What a miracle!

[areyouthere]

YAY!!!!!!!!!! Soooo happy to hear the positive Bubble again!  And a yellow purse. Yellow is one of my favorite colors... that and orange I guess.

 

I'll have to remember that!!! This winter when I get the blues I'll just have to find some Fallish colors to surround myself with. Color therapy...who knew??!!!

 

RU

[bubble]

Thank you dear RU! 

 

I just think we have to make use of all the therapies there are

 

I also have to make a note to myself: I wrote the previous post in the evening but this morning I realised I forgot something - I wake up with a feeling of ... hard to describe... psychic pain? it's not (only) anxiety. It's like a bad, painful anxiety. It dispels quickly and most of the day I feel well and stable. But I just had to mention it. It's just so hard to see how long I should wait before my next cut. There are always some symptoms. But at the moment they are fairly low and they have been like this for over a week and the PMS has stopped so I decided that it woudl be the right time to make that next cut...

 

we'll see what happens