bubble: tapering off Lexapro and Xanax

[bubble]

Wow Skyler! I visited Yellowstone once so I imagine it could be something like there in Montana, Wyoming, Idaho plus the lake... mmmmm. amazing

[Skyler]

Wow Skyler! I visited Yellowstone once so I imagine it could be something like there in Montana, Wyoming, Idaho plus the lake... mmmmm. amazing

LOLOLOL, not as wild as Montana, or as open as Yellowstone, BUT think of provincial New England (or small town England) at it's best, with a lakeside vista. I'll be two blocks from the lake, and within walking disatnce of ferries, parks, a lot to look forward to. At least for the 6 months of the year that are not COLLLD! My family comes from Vt, and an uncle of mine used to clear the back woods roads with horse drawn very LARGE rollers so the dairy farmers could get their milk to market. The town he lived in has a wooden board walk.. and the village area still has a population of about 400! And yes, you read that right. The boardwalk has been preserved and is still there!

[Wolfhound]

_{Heartbreaking pictures thank you Skyler.}

[EternalOptimist]

Ditto: " If I was a psychiatrist, all my 'pateints' would be prescribed high doses of forest (and nature  " )

[lobster]

Good morning Bubble :-) hope you are feeling well today and have a great day. Nature is a great healer we can all be thankful for its beauty

[Altostrata]

If I was a psychiatrist, all my 'pateints' would be prescribed high doses of forest (and nature

LOL!

[bubble]

 

If I was a psychiatrist, all my 'pateints' would be prescribed high doses of forest (and nature

LOL!

 

 

[Nikki]

I like your prescription alot:)

[Rhiannon]

Hi Bubble! I've been seeing your delightful posts in other peoples' threads, but I had to page back a ways to find your thread. That makes me think you must be doing well. I hope so.

 

I just wanted to say hello. I so enjoy your bubbly self and your insights and your humor. Thanks for being part of our little community here.

[bubble]

Oh Rhi!

 

I tried to remember when somebody last told me something this nice…. And couldn't

I'd like to believe my friends and those who know me think something similar but they never say it in so many words

 

And yes, you are right! Six months after reinstating my poisons (and sticking with the expertise found on this forum), I feel a lot better. My regained wellbeing manifests itself in access to my higher functions involving creativity, intelligence, humour, compassion and in short feeling lot more like myself and not that zombie that joined the forum back in October.

 

Of course things are not hunky-dory, still struggling but can't complain. I'm even planning my next conservative 4 % cut on Xanax (having learnt a lesson from the previous cut). I'm also here a bit less because my focus and concentration have returned as well and can do more things at work so that I can build up a capital I can live off when a next wave hits me. Also, spring is here, days are longer, nature is green and sunny so I use it a lot for healing purposes.

 

Last weekend was particularly nice when I spent 5 hours on Saturday and then again Sunday harvesting wild greens such as nettle, watercress, dandelion leaves and herbs such as milfoil, and some other medicinal plants a nun that I met was picking. So it was a great feeling of multiple health benefits and finding a new hobby.

I

’m very happy to be a part of this amazing community and being able to reciprocate J

[moodyblues78]

Great to hear that you are doing well bubble

 

Guess what. My next reduction will not be 20%!

[bubble]

 

 

Guess what. My next reduction will not be 20%!

 

I didn't even think there was a need to ask

 

Was thinking of telling you something about our desire to stop taking poisons asap. Was reluctant because I'm not at all sure it would help. I'll soon be 37 and one of the main reasons I still don't have any children is because I can't stop taking these drugs. All of my friends have kids (at the moment I have 10 babies having been born or due to be born in my family and among friends) and it really pains me to wait for I don't even know how long. But I know rushing earlier has slowed me down to where I'm now. So now I don't think about the time but the quality of my life. Plus this stuff causes most harm when it's out of our systems (too soon for its liking). 

 

I also got quite interested in the idea of micro tapers: even if we make very small reductions, we might be able to make them more often... But the best strategy is to simply try to forget about time and rather focus on the amount getting smaller. I managed to remove 1 pill in 4 days - that's a great feeling! Plus I'm thinking I will never go up and past that mark again... 

 

also glad to hear you found soemthing to help with tinnitus... Hope you manage to squeeze in a bike ride with your kids this weekend  

[EternalOptimist]

Hi B.

Replied to u on my thread then stopped in to check on you.

Congrats on dropping 1 pill and understand the struggle on how best to taper, etc. we all find our way eventually.

As for wanting children and being 37, I feel or you. I know quite a few who had their first at 42. .

Quality does matter and when I can focus on that more and the other less, life seems a little easier and that which we want can come true still.

Good luck

Big hugs

[bubble]

Thank you EO!

 

Yes, this is very helpful and I think about it in this way: I still have time, no need to rush

 

hope you are doing better also.

 

Yesterday I bought some clothes for the first time after 6 months, cleared some cupboards, did some ironing  - that's a true measure of recovery for me. I felt alive. I felt there was me, that me who wants to buy little things just because there is me to enjoy them and not feel so disconnected from everything.

 

Today was also the first day with a 4 % cut on Xanax! have to go and update my signature...

[Wolfhound]

Wonderful, simply wonderful news! It is so lovely and refreshing to hear you are doing better. You really deserve it. It brought tears to my eyes, i am happy for you.

[bubble]

Oh my,

 

I missed being here

 

Went away on business and had no internet access (and had to be an active team member in hours of a very intense discussion: an absolutely great activity when somebody is in withdrawal and tapering). But I managed by lowering my expectations from me, giving myself credit for doing what I do in withdrawal and trying to cut myself some slack in terms of my usually very high expectations regarding my performance.

 

Today is day 5 after my last conservative 4 % cut on Xanax. I definitely had a surge in anxiety bathed nights and mornings and irritability but much less than when I made 8 % cut. (So I could say the lesson has been learnt). 

 

I again have problems with my focus and concentration but found out that Mr. Leonard Cohen helps me a lot in solitary hours of trying to harness my brain to come out with a load of concentrated output... 

[lobster]

Good morning Bubble :-) im sorry you have had some heightened anxiety as a result of your last cut.but it sounds like you are still doing good. Im thinking of you and wishing you well.

[bubble]

thak you lobster

 

you know that sitting at my desk and looking at the computer I think about the work at the ocean, catching lobster, mmmm

 

hope that you feel better and that the spring is finally there.

[lobster]

Yes I think my office window is pretty good the great outdoors :-) I haven't been to bad lately:-)spring is here. Looks like a beautiful day. My flowers are coming up and I can see some green grass.I have been really busy getting ready for the fishing season. There's a Ton of things that need to be done. My life has been such a mess these last couple of years that I have gotten behind. I just have to try and pace my self. I am excited about the upcoming lobster season so that's a good thing. I hope you have a great day take care of yourself :-)

[Nikki]

Hi Lobster and Bubbles....

Fishing in Maine and Spring in Europe sounds lovely in both places.  While I was reading I had images of what both places look like.

 

We all fall behind, even people who never took an AD in their lives.  If you are working and not retired, you fall behind.  We have very hurried lifestyles and it's like wearing a badge of honor these days.  We worked ourselves into it.

 

Well we have Spring here, but if you sneeze you'll miss it.  It is hot.  South Florida.  I could use a good tan and a dip in the ocean:)

 

Bubbles how do you taper from Benzo's?  Do you make a liquid?

 

Lobster when I tapered Lexapro the ensuring depression/crying and anxiety were awful.  Long holds helped me.

 

Have a nice day ladies.

[bubble]

thanks Nikki!

 

I often forget the life these days is hectic for everyone, it's not human ;( and it's good to be reminded that it's not us who are not 'normal' but the time we live in...

 

I use a self-made xanax suspension but write more about it on the benzo section of the forum following instructions established by Alto  

 

BTW, I think lobster is a guy )

[bubble]

I think it's been quite some time since I've been what I call moaning, groaning and whining.

 

It's not actually that bad and it was expected that I should feel a cut. But it is still far from pleasant. It's my third cut actually and I'm very proud of myself to have learnt about my pattern: 5 days after a cut anxiety floods me and it takes around 10 days for the flood to recede.

 

I sleep at night, mostly unbroken but I feel its clutches and wake up in the morning like after a battle. I just want to lie and rest and not do anything. But must pick up my bones and go to work. It seems like I'm not doing anything but at the end of the day, there are some results. I can organise my work, I can always say I'm doing research and the output will be there later. But I wonder what I would do if I was pressed for the output. I guess I'd do it. Maybe more structure would actually help me focus.

 

But maybe it wouldn't. I feel guilty conscience so keep telling myself I've earned this through hard work in periods when I can work hard and for sticking here through thick and thin for over 5 years.

 

I planned to go home to visit my mom for the weekend but made a smart decision to postpone the trip for the time when my nerves are in a better shape. I'm also proud of this imporved ability to take a much better care of myself.

 

It's not that bad but it still hurts. Or it doesn't hurt but I want peace, quiet and rest. Which I will have in 5 hours  

[Petunia]

Hi Bubble,

I just wanted to stop by your thread and say Hello.  Ok, there's a bit more, you are very inspiring in the way you have learned how to handle withdrawal and life, reading your posts when I'm struggling often helps me.  Thank you for the positive and hopeful updates.  I hope this wave from your recent cut passes soon.

Petu.

[bubble]

that's so nice of you dear Petu!

 

I often say that I don't know how I would manage without all of you in the forum: fear, pain and uncertainty would've been too strong to ever manage this process.

 

Now when I know it's a part of the pattern, I almost don't pay attention to it. Alto creating an amazing community and managed to bring the usual drawbacks of online communication to an insignificant minimum

[bubble]

I've spent quite some time looking for my thread. It seems it's been almost a week in which I was unable to report on my struggle.

 

It mostly manifested in the need to isolate and withdraw and having so little energy and focus so it's no wonder.

 

I hope I'll be able to write more soon...

[lobster]

Im thinking of you :-) and hope you feel top shelf soon.

[moodyblues78]

I hope you`ll feel better soon bubble. It is strange not seeing you here.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I've spent quite some time looking for my thread.

This works reliably every time: in your browser search engine type 'survivingantidepressants.org [space] [your username]'

 

 

'survivingantidepressants.org bubble' finds your topic. You can then bookmark it.

[Nikki]

that's so nice of you dear Petu!

 

I often say that I don't know how I would manage without all of you in the forum: fear, pain and uncertainty would've been too strong to ever manage this process.

 

Now when I know it's a part of the pattern, I almost don't pay attention to it. Alto creating an amazing community and managed to bring the usual drawbacks of online communication to an insignificant minimum

 

Bubble this resonates with me and everyone else ~ fear and uncertainty.  Hard to manage process.  How on earth do you not pay attention to it.....PLEASE share this.

 

The withdrawing I think has alot to do with just being sick and tired of it.  Barb posted something the other day about needing time alone vs being alone in the world,  something to that effect.

 

Maybe you just need to settle down....it's okay.  You do work.

 

Sending you alot of cuddles...you can PM me any time:)

[bubble]

thank you, you are so sweet as usual

 

yes, Moody it feels strange not being here But maybe I just needed a break. 

 

The thing is that I also feel that I somehow owe to all of you to write about moments when I don't feel well. I find it extremely helpful when other members write about their darker moments. 

 

I have this UTI, I'm taking ATB, they make me nauseous. It got cold and rainy and I just closed up like a sunflower when the sun disappears. Lying ill on the couch is always dangerous with me but I have to learn how to deal with such moments. I can't always run away from myself into the nearest forest.

 

But I'm afraid there's more to it. I feel so bad about my, to put it mildly, fluctuations of energy. I feel so passionate about something, there are so many things I want to do and I go and do a lot of things. It's like blowing up a bubble until it bursts. Many of us spoke about envying other people leading 'normal' lives, going around with a sense of purpose, doing things which bring them pleasure (or at least finding energy to appear that way). These days I was watching TV envying politicians who seem to have a lot steadier energy flow. They endure, they are engaged while I feel like a meteor. Unable to invest an ounce of energy or even give attention to things. I catch myself pathologising myself. But really I can't find an explanation for this psychic energy mismanagement. I just seem to be going from a state when I all light up with the need to do something, go somewhere and then, before I carry it through, I'm in a state where I couldn't care less about it.I mean my work primarily. It's so unstructured. I have a feeling I can go as deep as I want and can about certain things and the way society is organised. And then I get lost and can't do anything. I so need structure.

 

I was amazed at how Alto is so present on this forum that nothing goes unnoticed for her I was once discussing a similar experience with Petu and we couldn't find a batter word to describe it than bypolar. And Alto noticed it But really, I lack a word to describe this and I lack a framework within which I could understand it (the concept of disorders and bypolar disorders in particular doesn't explain anything.

 

I also feel so bad about my very fluid sense of identity, the flexibility of borders which my personality has. I envy my colleague her ability to make quick decisions when I went with her to buy make-up and when she works with me in the office. I just feel so lost about everything. I'm so unsure about my reactions: are they too drastic or too mild? I can't tell I can't write to other people because it could be either or. I could give 2 different opinions and they would all seem equally valid/unvalid.

 

And I can't blame any of this on WD or tapering. I've been a bit like this ever since I was aware of myself. I feel things in a different way than others. I told my colleague who is a very even tempered person (it's so good for me to be in her presence) about how awfully worked up I got about a conflict we all had with another colleague. And she said something very interesting: Maybe something is wrong with me because I don't care about this at all. So I don't do anything to change it.

 

I replied that for me her reaction was healthier since it didn't exhaust her so much as my reaction exhausted me and that it is actually good to combine our two energies so neither of us is not normal. We are just different.

 

But the problem is I don't believe this at the moment. At the moment I just feel like something is and has been very wrong with me and I have no choice but to live with this waco me. I can just tell myself: you are like that and so what?

 

And I feel so physically tired that I can barely keep my eyes open now although I slept reasonably well.

[Rhiannon]

Well, all I can say about this is: in withdrawal it's pretty much universal for people to not like themselves very much, to not feel good about who they are. It's another one of those psychological symptoms that's really consistent and sounds pretty much the same no matter who's saying it. I know it feels like it's real and it's you and it's not a symptom, but it's just so consistent and I've seen and heard it so many times, I know it's withdrawal.

 

I would say, now is not the time to decide if you're defective or not. You can save the self-analysis and self-improvement for when your brain is working better. Just do what you need to do today.

 

Personally I like your personality just the way it is. :-) 

[bubble]

Oh Rhi! That would make anyone cry, in a nice way

 

I just realised that I've been improving and feeling better continuously for some time so much that I forgot WD is not a linear process. I stopped focusing on small improvements and appreciating them but went after big things. I mean, big in the sense of measuring myself against an average person. I lost that perspective of the observer of a process that is so key in surviving this.

 

It's nothing dramatic. Just a big disappointment after a period of doing well, even in some respects better than ever. What my psychologists described as me looking open and free flowing as opposed to closed and guarded. Amazing experience of what I can be. (Both painfully indecisive and free flowing).

 

Thank you for reminding me that now is not the time to dig myself deeper by focusing on my imperfections but a time to practice more acceptance... 

[Nikki]

Bubble - what Rhi said

 

We all do it.

 

You are an absolute treasure on this site.  When the chips are down you are there as a good friend..Thank you:)

[areyouthere]

Bubble… what Nikki said. And Rhi… thanks for saying what you did. I needed to hear it too. What would we do without this forum and each other?!!

 

Bubble… You're doing great.

 

RU

[bubble]

thank you so much Rhi, Nikki and RU!

 

I feel a bit embarrassed singing praises to the forum so much but it's a true life saver and having people like you around is priceless.

 

I know that I'm not alone in having difficulties exposing my vulnerabilities and not liking myself when I'm "like this". But here I manage to open myself and feel accepted and validated. It's just that every time is like the first time: struggle with old patterns. I don't like it that at the moment I don't have access to all parts of myself and that I'm struggling with finding words and expressing emotions and as a result come across as hollow. But when I read what Petu writes, CW or anyone describing their dark moments it helps me immensely. So I feel it is important I try to do it as well. Instead of curling into a ball and suffering in silence.

 

I'll be going home for Easter (which is a lot less traumatic than going home for Christmas but still is. I will go very slow 

[Wolfhound]

Bubble,

you are who you are. There are NOT defective persons, there are NO healthier reaction, we all react differently to different things and situations simply because we are so complex and different...and we are constantly changing in time, even my reactions to similar situations cannot be the same.

When you say that you envy your collegue about her ability to decide quickly...I was like this all my life, very quick, resolute and energetic person. It does not make me a better person than you though. I am no more that person I once was. And this doesn´t make me a better person. Our reactions have been changing a lot throughout our lives due to many challenges, situations, personal decisions...and the way through must be to accept it. For me something especially hard to tell the truth but I see it as THE way.

We are here with you. I appreciate your posts very much.