☼ Mattinsmom: update

[Petunia]

Hi Amy,

I'm so glad to read that your vision is improving and things are getting better, you've been through such a lot.  Thanks for letting us know how you are.

(hugs)

[mattinsmom]

checking in

I'm doing ok. I am mostly back to my normal meds. I've stopped the benzo game. Had a couple of ouchy days in there but it really wasn't much more than a temper tantrum. I am stockpiling them tho and I'm not sure why. I did toss all of my extras of the meds that have stopped or that I simply had hundreds of (seriously, hundreds), but I don't want to throw out the extra benzos? Sleep is ok. I pulled a few all nighters. I tried California Poppy (supplement) but after 3 days it just pissed me off. Not for me I guess.   

 

My ex-friend saga continued. She got married (surprise to everyone) on a very significant October day for me. I learned of it on fb. She kinda sucks for that but she kinda sucks for a lot of other reasons too. She says she is happy and I'm finally over it. I read something about the difference between living for happy (which, while it feels good - it is a constant chase/fleeting) v living for meaning (doesn't always feel so good but takes is to places more fulfilling in the long run). She lives for happy, I live for meaning, and that is probably what has been the cause of all the strife we've ever had. I am not placing judgement, but I would rather delve deeply into something painful and learn that pass it off and be happy. I sent her a letter wishing her well and apologizing for anything I've ever done that caused her pain. She responded that she is happy and it feels weird not to have me around etc. We both said that maybe someday we will reconnect. Sometimes it still really stings but mostly I'm ok with the idea that someday may not be in this lifetime. 

 

I have a new psychiatrist who said that my old psychiatrist relied too heavily on medications and seemed too willing to simply add/create cocktails. He completely supports my reducing medications asking only that I be open to the idea that there are occasions where people need some and that our goal could be to come off completely if possible or the smallest possible dose if absolutely necessary.

 

He also said that he thinks it is dangerous for people to go up/down on meds quickly and that a fault of doctors is that many do rapid changes.

 

And he said that he agreed we should wait before we try to reduce anything else. He agreed that my brain/cns need to recuperate from coming off of the Wellbutrin. That said, he would like the next drop to be with the Lorazapam. It won't be for awhile so no need to think much about it now. 

 

And he talked about things like diet, exercise, sleep, etc...    I think this just might be a good thing!

 

I am attending another healing ceremony with the Shamans from N. Peru on the 16th. My shaman elders will be there too. I am curious as to what will happen. Last time I saw them they said there was something w/ my brain and meds and it turned out I have a lesion. Fingers crossed that this time they say "All good". 

 

My time has been oddly busy. I started way too many projects and now I am trying to get them done. Never goes as fast as I would like it to.

 

I hope that others are feeling well, that waves are small and windows are wide open. 

[bubble]

It's so nice to read this update Amy.

 

I remember your low after the eye surgery but I wasn't too worried: I knew that the progress you have made is steady and that "going back" is just very temporary. It feels comforting because you have spent so much time there but it doesn't feel like home any more, you don't belong there any more. Your home is in the light now.

 

It seems things are (slowly) moving along with your ex. It's one the things that take time. 

 

That doctor of yours sounds like some seriously good news! Maybe you could add him to the list of doctors we have here who know something about these drugs?

 

I look forward to hearing about the meeting with shamans

 

thanks once again for sharing your light with the rest of us!

Bubble

[Rhiannon]

Thanks Amy, I've been wondering how you were doing, it's good to hear from you. That doctor sounds halfway decent! And you sound great.

[mattinsmom]

Super fast check in. 

 

I am fine. The temporary dog is out of control and we've been dealing with one crisis after another. I did find an adopter and will be taking him to MD on Tuesday. My dog has stopped sleeping at night (I think he has my anxiety) so I am up with him most nights. Still doing ok. Actually, considering all that is happening, I am doing well.

 

Sorry that I haven't kept up on anyone's pages. Please know that when a notification of someone posting pops up in my e-mail I say a little prayer for them. I wish that windows stay open and waves pass.

 

Just in case - I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving.  

[Rhiannon]

Thanks Amy, you too!

 

So glad to hear how stable you are, how well you're doing, how well you're coping with Terrible Dog and everything else. I'm so proud of you, and inspired by you. 

[mammaP]

Hi Amy, glad that you are doing ok and have settled again after the surgeries and your tsunami.

It's a shame about the dog, maybe that is why your lovely dog is not himself, having another one round

that is troublesome may be unsettling him. I hope he settles soon so you can get some sleep.

I'm glad too that you have been in touch with your ex friend and wished her well, it's really shows what

sort of person you are, a good one! 

 

Hugs from Mamma 

[WinningThrough]

So glad you're doing better Amy :-)

[Rhiannon]

Hi Amy! Thanks for stopping by my thread. I love the way you check up on me. How are you doing? How are the holidays going for you?

[mlrp]

Drive by (((hug))), Amy. Love that you are doing better (relative term, I realize, for all of us). And thankful for thoughtful, prayerful friends like you. 

[mattinsmom]

Quick drop in. 

 

I am doing well. Life has gotten insanely busy and my vision has been giving me some trouble so its hard for me to spend much time writing. Its frustrating as all hell and it makes my eyes burn. I am well tho. And I think about people here often. Thoughts and prayers are always present even when I'm not.

 

Currently dealing with a somewhat aggressive Rottie pup that I "inherited". He is doing much better with every passing day but he is still a handful. 80+ pounds of energy and trauma history. I have a special trainer coming out next month to do a full eval. on what is best for everyone and what our next steps should be. He is hard, but it is also good because he keeps me busy and out of my head. 

 

Holding steady with meds. I am considering starting another taper in January but not sure if I want to look at tapering benzo or Lamictal. Luckily I don't have to decide today. 

 

I had a neuro-psych eval done a couple of weeks ago. My memory is getting beyond bad and with the lesion I am concerned. I will get the results on Monday. Of course it is possible that because of my personal history and my medications that I have simply become so good at forgetting that I forgot how to remember. No matter what the answer I would like to know what is going on.

 

Won't be putting up a tree this year - Rottie eats everything!!! It would just be unnecessary yelling at the dog, broken ornaments, and probably trips to the vet for swallowed objects. I think I am going to put a little tree on my table tho. It will have to be a real one in case he eats it. A little Charlie Brown tree.  My kids are grown - in theory so they understand. I will still decorate I just have to be creative and limit my artistic flair to spaces above 5'. Even that he could technically reach on his hind legs. 

 

Thank you Rhi and mlrp for stopping by. 

[LoveandLight]

Sounds like fun having a boisterous pup about!

[Rhiannon]

Aw, a little Charlie Brown tree. Cute.

 

Sounds like things are chugging along well. I hope the news from the eval is either good or not bad, if you know what I mean. Keep us posted.

 

Good luck with Terrible Dog! Pups really are a lot of work, I seem to remember, but it's worth it. He'll probably turn out to be a wonderful friend for a very long time.

 

(Or maybe he just needs some Prozac. Sure, that's it.)

[mattinsmom]

I'm fine - that said, a long but worth the read  gripe to hopefully make you think about what it is your doctor is actually saying to you or a loved one and to ask yourself who they are truly working for - you, or the pharmaceutical industry.

Note to the neuropsychologist...
After being thoroughly tested for complaints that it is taking me significantly longer to process information and that I'm having increasing trouble with focus and memory do not:
- tell me my test scores don't make sense as some contradict others but 
you don't know what that means.
- tell me you've "discovered" I have a processing delay (I know this)
- tell me that I don't pay enough attention. (again, not surprised)
- tell me that they could be connected, that one could cause the other,
there is no way to tell if that is the case, but both are present.
- tell me that there is a medication for inattentiveness called
Wellbutrin. (BTW - it is not for inattentiveness. It is an antidepressant)
- need me to reminded you that I just stopped taking it because it was
ineffective, destroyed my vision, and was contributing to other brain 
changes.
- re-read your notes and decide that I should definitely not take that 
medication but tell me there are others available.

Do not:
- ask if anyone has suggested MS, again, check your notes, and notice 
that oh, why yes, it has come up.
- tell me that you went to a convention recently and all of the large
expensive displays were for several new MS medications. 
- tell me I should feel good about that because there are possibly 5 new 
medicinal options to treat MS symptoms that seem effective at controlling
symptoms even though noone really understands how. 
- ask if I had a spinal tap,explain that if I were your patient (v. testing
subject) that is what you would order, sing the praises of great and 
definitive results from them; and then tell me NOT to 
ask my neurologist for one because you are "sure they have a plan of 
treatment".

Do not:
- tell me that I should get rid of my post-its because I depend on them too 
much.
- tell me to find a hobby.
- tell me to do something like yoga or meditation then re-read notes (oh,
that's right, I do those things).
- tell me to learn a foreign language and re-read notes (oh, yes, I'm doing
that too).
- tell me to find something that makes me happy and do it (???because 
I've not thought of that on my own? Or because I don't already do things
that make me happy???)

Do not, do not, DO NOT say to me "I'd like you to come back in a year since I am not able to discern what is causing these symptoms. In the meantime you can look into (lists medications) because they might help with symptoms. And remember, you do have a history of depression".

I wonder what he would have said if I had left out the "mental illness" part on the questionnaire?

One last tidbit dear doctor:

Do not tell me all about "silent strokes" and then say that you really don't know if that is even a possibility in my case (though there are medications to treat them!). You could have kept that nugget to yourself.

I am proud to say that I have grown in leaps and bounds because I did not punch this man in the throat.

[Petunia]

I'm sorry it has to be so hard Amy, I wish there was something I could say to help.  But you wrote that you are fine, and I sense that in spite of everything, actually you are.

 

Your huge, destructive puppy sounds adorable in a paradoxical kind of way, I'm waiting for the day I'm up to taking on that kind of stress again... any chance of a pic?

 

((hugs))

[Rhiannon]

Sigh...

 

Good job not punching him. 

[mattinsmom]

I have missed everyone so very much. I remember the days that I could sit here for hours and read/respond to posts. I know that my absence is because I am doing well, because life is now busy, because things are where they need to be. Still, sometimes I wish for the time to just sit and read and write and connect. 

 

I am doing well. Monster puppy is becoming much less a monster. He looks like a bear and sounds like chewbacca (not when he is mad tho - then he sounds scary). Luckily we are having good days with intermittent difficult moments as opposed to when he first got here and it was only the occasional good moment. Naturally tonight he is being a pain in the...... I would like to post a pic but don't know how. 

 

My youngest just applied to college. He has already had the interview and was recommended for acceptance. Now we have to schedule a time to go and see the campus. It is in Florida (Full Sail - for music production). I don't know how I feel about having my baby that far away from me (I'm in MA). He is excited though. My oldest is looking at schools in Boston, which, is only 90-minutes away. He will graduate in May with a BA (music) and a BS (criminal justice) and is now looking into his next steps in education (computer programming). So it is possible that come next September all of my chicks will have flown the coop - at the same time!

 

I wish that I had more time to catch up with others on their posts. You are all in my prayers. 

 

Happy Holidays. 

[Petunia]

Its great to hear you are doing so well now Amy, thanks for your note in my thread.

 

Wishing you Happy Holidays

[WinningThrough]

Glad you're doing well, Amy.

[Wolfhound]

Merry Christmas Amy. I am not here as often as I used to be, but I continue to read your posts. You are a brave soul. greetings from Europe.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I hope the reason we did not hear from you over Christmas and New Years is because your life was a whirl of parties and presents! ( ).

 

Thinking of you and hoping you are well.

[mattinsmom]

Hello all

 

I'm doing great and on my way out of the country. I wanted to wish a happy Valentine's Day especially to those who got me thru last year. Thanks guys!

 

Rhi, You will always be my valentine!

[WinningThrough]

MM, I was just thinking last night we hadn't heard from you fir a while and I was wondering how you were doing!

 

I'm so glad you're doing so well.

[Addax]

So glad to hear you're doing great!

[Rhiannon]

Thanks, Amy! Thinking of you. I'm so glad you're doing so well!

[mammaP]

I was wondering how you are and was going to find your thread to check you out and here it is at the top!

I am so so happy to see that you are doing great, you deserve to be happy and well. I hope it continues for you. 

[mattinsmom]

Hi all

Still doing well but with not a second to breathe. Hoping that this weekend I will be able to sit down and catch up on how people are doing. 

I'm still around. I haven't disappeared. Still doing well and still thinking about all of you. Looking to catch up with you on Saturday!

[Meimeiquest]

Yahoo! We're still thinking of you!

[mattinsmom]

I am just sitting down for what feels like the 1st time in months! So much has happened that I wouldn't even be able to scratch the surface. 

 

My eyes are still healing. I've had to have a couple more in-office procedures and it looks like I'll need at least one more but overall the procedures are simple and my eyes are improving. 

 

I've had mostly good days with only a few bad ones but I have had a few of the "done living" moments. I have trouble in the winter (fall and part of spring) and I just put one of my dogs down. That isn't sitting well with me. It was such a horrible, horrible experience. There were moments when I questioned if maybe I needed meds after all. There was a point where I actually considered going to the hospital. It got really ugly there for awhile but they were moments. They passed. Because of this site - seriously - I have learned to sit with and through an emotion and somehow I managed to do that. I knew that the gut-wrenching sobbing would stop. I knew that sooner or later I would fall asleep. I knew that the panic would peak and then fall. There was still more time that I was ok v. not ok. 

 

My boy (not the one in the photo) was only 11 months old but his aggression and biting was beyond anything anyone could deal with and escalating. And, when he was good (which was most of the time) he was the best dog anyone could ask for. I found out yesterday that in addition to the kidney problems, hip dysplasia, and abuse history that I knew of, he also had a neurological disorder that was un-treatable. He would have had a very short and very painful life. Knowing that has lifted some of the weight from my shoulders but he and I had a special connection. I will never feel like I did enough and putting him down was such an excruciating decision. But, he was a 100lb Rottweiler so his biting was significant. I really couldn't take anymore chances with him.

 

I don't believe in "bully-breeds" stereotype, I think any dog is capable of love or harm, but I do think there is an extra responsibility that comes with owning a dog that is large enough to actually kill someone. I don't think an aggressive Shih Tsu and an aggressive Rottie can fall under the same perimeters. My behaviorist told me that it isn't how loving they are when they are good, its how dangerous they are when they are triggered. She pointed out that he had a mouth filled with lethal weapons and a history so bizarre that we would never know what  could be a trigger. It was just yucky no matter how it is looked at. It was only a week ago so I am still really raw and feeling like I somehow failed. I'm allowing myself a little leeway with the suicidal thoughts. But I reach out when those moments hit. People know where I am at, where my struggles are, and I have a very supportive group of people looking out for me. The done-living moments have only been since putting my dog down. Time will have to heal that one, at least as much as it can be healed.  

 

I'm still waiting to hear the official word on MS. I had some neuropsych testing done and failed it brilliantly! Aside from the neuropsychologist being an absolute twit I scored just a smidgen above dementia and that was disheartening. But, it is what it is. I've never really been "all there" anyhow Of course he had plenty of medication suggestions. Of course I am not following any of his advise. I am due for another MRI in May and I might see if I can bump that up a little. Or, I'll wait. Knowing doesn't really change anything. 

 

I recently went to Costa Rica. I had the privilege of spending time with a family of the the Terraba Tribe. It was very amazing. There really aren't words. I learned so much about the connection, and obligation, we have to this earth and how to work and live in harmony with nature. It was profound. I also got to see the Arenal volcano - way cool. Then there were the random howler monkeys, sloths, pit vipers...and I spent the last 3-days at the beach. Seriously, the best of everything. 

 

And, no gmo, no processed food, no packaged food, clean air, clean water, it was such a change from what I am used to - and I eat fairly healthy meals. My health improved so much. I can feel it declining a little just since being home so I am going to put more effort into what I put into my mouth. I am also going to look into ways that I can spend more time there. 

 

Not happy about the weather. I'm far enough west of Boston that I don't have that mess to live with but we still have several feet of snow and sub-zero temperatures. I am not a winter person. I've made the decision that I am going to spend the next several months looking into other places to live. My kids are big and there is really no reason for me to put in another New England winter. I don't like the snow, I can't breathe in the cold air, and I feel trapped in my house. Time to move it along. No idea where to look but eco friendly tiny house in warm climate somewhere, here I come!

 

I do get to got to Florida in a couple of days. My youngest was accepted to a college down there and we are going for the campus tour, meet with financial aid, arrange housing. My oldest went to school locally and lives at home so this is all new to me. Kinda scary. I leave on Wednesday and will be gone for 5-days. Yes, 5-days of warm weather!!!!!

 

And now its time to make dinner. Never stops. I suppose that is better then the months I spent when nothing ever moved. 

[areyouthere]

You sound good. The trip to Costa Rica sounds amazing. It's interesting how so many "old " familiar posters (including myself) are coming out of the wood work and returning to SA. to check in to say "Hi. It's been sucky. But I'm still around. And I'm waking up"..... 

 

Make your tiny house in Southern locals happen. I am beginning to think that more studies on SAD need to be done.

 

Thanks for checking in.

 

RU. 

[Rhiannon]

AAYYMMEEEEEE!!!!! so good to hear from you my lovely Valentine!

 

Oh, I'm so sorry about your boy. Of course. Yes, you had to. All of that. Do you think his neurological condition may have been contributing to his behavior issues?

 

And of course you are grieving and of course that hurts. Pain is painful. But like I always told my daughters, feelings are for feeling. You just have to feel them. They come and go in waves and you just have to let them wave on through you. They don't kill you, and some of them are really pleasant, so it's not a bad thing. But the ones that hurt, hurt.

 

At least, that's how I think the whole "having feelings" thing is supposed to work. It's a bit tricky. I might be wrong. :-)

 

If you are a smidgen above dementia, then I am a moose.

 

Love your description of your trip to Costa Rica. What a life you are having! What a woman you are, so much more powerful than your history. Truly I think you must be an advanced soul.

 

I feel kind of guilty about your weather, because we have had an exceptionally mild and pleasant winter here, and it's already been spring for like three or four weeks now, but a really long really delightful drawn-out kind of spring, lots of sunshine but still fairly cool air temperatures. I guess what I am trying to say is yes, the Pacific Northwest has stolen all the good weather, it's true, it's our fault. Sorry not sorry.

 

Hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs! SO glad you dropped by.

[mattinsmom]

Oh I wish that I could say things had stayed up. Getting knocked around by waves. Having to put my dog down has me spinning. He would have been a year old today. According to FB it is national puppy day. My son's gf (how I got the dog in the first place) hasn't spoken to me in a month and it feels like one of my kids isn't talking to me.

There are a lot of other triggers too. Just not in a pretty space these last few days. 

 

Rhi - as for the dementia borderline, I think you might be a moose. I really am having problems that are getting progressively worse. Family and friends are coming out of the woodwork to tell me how much cognitive deterioration they have seen but not commented on. That pisses me off. I wish someone would have spoken up a bit sooner. I have another appointment with the neurologist on Friday and I have family going with me this time. I'm due for another MRI so I'm sure that will get scheduled too.

 

My eyes freaking tanked. At this point it has to be neurological. I have several appointments coming up with a for that.

 

Florida was a mixed bag. It was wonderful to be in the sun. My son LOVED the school. I saw real wild manatee. And, the school means I need to co-sign a $40,000 loan (mild freak out here), sleep cycle stopped (shared a room with 2 snorers and a bed with someone that sleeps in the middle), and my eating went to hell. Fast food is not good!

 

While I was there I started having insane panic attacks while I was sleeping. They would wake me, sweats, shakes, and all. Since I've been home and reclaimed some control over my salt intake things are improving in the hot flash area but my sleep is way off. I dread going to sleep, I dread waking up. And, even tho I am doing better with salt and healthier foods, eating in general is less than sub-par. The trip totally threw me.

 

Don't know if I ever mentioned this but my oldest (22) started passing out at the gym. The kid is a black belt, mma, etc healthy and strong. He had some tests done, ended up having a stress test and an ultrasound of his heart. While we were gone he saw his cardiologist who is perplexed by the test results. My son has the symptoms and patterns of response that one see's when an athlete suddenly dies on the field/court but not the physical/structural issue with his heart that causes that to happen. So???? He's not going to just drop dead, probably, but don't exercise until they figure out the next move. The cardiologist ordered more blood work and is presenting the case for peer review to see if anyone can come up with any other suggestions. He will probably move thru neurology and endocrinology next. We don't have any ideas yet and this is really scary stuff. He had Bradycardia when he was born and had issues with his heart rate during elementary school. Too much for this momma and I know he is scared too. 

 

My therapist knows what is going on and is concerned. Justifiably. I spent the last 2-days on hold/in chat with suicide prevention. I won't call local crisis because I don't want any new meds (at all) until after whatever neurological tests are run. I have to limit how I say things to my therapist because of her legal obligations. I haven't had the privacy to actually call a hotline so I've been trying to find an on-line chat room or something. I tried a few and they were mostly off-line. One place did connect me to someone but she seemed really young and it was a support line not really equipped to handle something serious. 

 

I'm not in a violent/abusive situation, not dealing with addiction/alcoholism, not struggling with my sexuality/gender, not a teenager, not homeless, not pregnant, and not actually sucking on the end of a gun so options really narrowed. I'm also not grateful.

 

I was on-hold with a suicide hotline for 1/2-hour yesterday and had a glitch knock me off. I got back on, waited another 45-minutes and then someone came home. Today I found a chat but the girl on the other end was 18. She was as sweet and sincere as could be but I just needed someone with some life experience. I was on hold with suicide prevention for over an hour and then had to take a call for home. I finally found a minute to actually place a real call, so I thought, when my son came home from work. This post has taken over 2-hours because of interruptions so making a call probably won't be happening. 

 

Good thing for today is that I got out of bed, showered, got dressed in real clothes, and have stayed out of my room. Take progress where I can find it. 

 

I know I will be ok, I always am. I'm hungry, angry, lonely, and tired. I feel powerless. I am grieving. I'm tired of the sound of the wind. I'm done with being cold. I feel trapped in my house (never have transportation and its too flipping cold), I feel like my chance at a small house somewhere warm just disappeared and went to college. I don't really want to die but I wish life had a pause button. 

[Meimeiquest]

Amy, I am so sorry for this hard place. Hope some light is starting to shine through now!

[mattinsmom]

thanks meime

 

Things are not going well. I got stuff done yesterday but I'm not ok. I ended up sleeping for 10 hours and thought yay. Then I got up. Steady downhill since.

 

It's that time of day where my vision has gone too far. I've been reading/driving for an hour and that's all I get. I'll get another round of clear eyes after a few hours of not asking much of them.

 

So I'm really blucky. Not happy to be me today.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Oh Amy,

 

I just read your update and it made me so sad for you. You came to my state? I would have loved so see you but I know things like that don't just happen. But you can take that for the good thought that it is.

 

I don't know how good I can be but I am always up for talking if you need someone. Have a look at my profile.

 

I wish life were better for you and all of us that are suffering so much. You've been so supportive for me when I was feeling down, I wish I could do the same for you.

 

Be well. You are one of my heroes. I'd be happy to talk to you anytime.

[LoveandLight]

(((Amy))) much wishes for healing to you