☼ Mattinsmom: update

[mattinsmom]

Just checking in. All is going ok. My eye is healing nicely and the headaches have passed!

 

My youngest was reluctant to tell me that he is having dinner with my ex-person (friend?). She's been in his life since he was 2 (he's 17) and this past year has not gone well. She and I are no longer speaking (my call) and I think it was/is a good decision. I also think that he should maintain a relationship with her, if he chooses, regardless of if she and I are interacting. I reminded him that I support his decision, regardless. I don't want him to feel uncomfortable, she is important to him and I am glad that she is stepping up. 

 

Meanwhile, my heart broke a little. They say that people make time for what is important to them. I'm glad she is making time for him. It stings that for the past year she had so much trouble finding time for me.  My hurt is nowhere near as bad as it has been in the past. A few months ago this would have put me over the edge and back into bed filled with confusion and tears. Today it ouched, still does a little, and my day is continuing on. I think it is important to recognize progress wherever it shows. I'm ok. I'm not feeling the need/desire for lorazapam to numb it away. I'm not thinking that I need to go back on my AD. I've had a habit of blaming w/d for every unpleasant feeling/thought/action. I think I did (do) that so that I don't have to own it as mine. This time I'm not blaming w/d for the ouch. It just is. 

 

The sun is out and it is a smidge warmer today. Mother Nature is always helpful. I'll head out to sit on my deck here in few minutes. I might write. I might read. I might simply sit in the sun. 

 

Other note, a few weeks ago my son's girlfriend (love her like my own)  got a 5mo old rotty pup. He has been staying at her grandmother's house and things haven't gone so smoothly. I'm wondering how long it will be before I have a rotty-pup :/  Qe Sara Sara.

[bubble]

Dear Amy, it's so nice to read of your progress and improved way of dealing with painful aspects of reality as well as enjoying life in its simple forms which are so very valuable.

 

I like what you wrote here about the importance of recognising progress. It's so very important and makes our experience of life so much fuller.

 

I also think about my tendency to blame things on WD as a way of avoiding to accept responsibility for my actions. There is a narrow line there...

 

hugs

Just checking in. All is going ok. My eye is healing nicely and the headaches have passed!

 

I think it is important to recognize progress wherever it shows. I'm ok. I'm not feeling the need/desire for lorazapam to numb it away. I'm not thinking that I need to go back on my AD. I've had a habit of blaming w/d for every unpleasant feeling/thought/action. I think I did (do) that so that I don't have to own it as mine. This time I'm not blaming w/d for the ouch. It just is. 

 

 

[mattinsmom]

The puppy and the girlfriend have moved in. G'ma sprained her ankle. They will be here until g'ma is better. Luckily, things are going ok. We had a bit of a rocky start but everyone seems to be working it out.

 

My youngest is completely fine but totaled a car on Wednesday. It wasn't his fault, he was rear-ended. The person that hit him left the scene. Now we are down to 1 car, my partner works 1-1/2 hours away and is gone 6a-6p on average, my son goes to school 20-minutes away and will need picked up at 2 every day, my 2nd eye surgery is Tuesday, and I am far from having enough money to buy another car or pay for a rental while things get worked out. 

 

Youngest is getting ready for SATs. School called yesterday to tell me that they needed a signature for him to apply for special accommodations. I went in and signed. Then they called to tell me that they needed reports etc from his doctors about his learning disability - by 3. Yes, they told me they'd been talking with him for weeks but never thought about calling me for the extra documentation until the day the paperwork was due. Biggest things they needed - and I am completely serious - was for a doctor to say that his already documented slow processing speed means that it might take him longer to process information. Yup.  

 

Funny thing is, in spite of this "disease" I have that "requires ADs for the rest of my life" because I "will not be able to function without them", I'm doing really well. I have my moments of frustration and being angry but they are moments. They come, they go, and I am just fine. Puppy, new person in house, totaled car, limited finances, semi-competent school personnel, and upcoming surgery and I am ok.

 

I would not have been even remotely ok with all of that when I was on meds. Hmmm - maybe the meds were the problem?!?!?!?! 

[mattinsmom]

I'm a little sad today. I had a night filled with dreams of my former best friend. I also learned that she just passed everything she needed to receive her doctorate - the one that I helped her with for over 4-years. Her graduation is in October. I had planned on being there. Guess not. Because we have mutual friends I hear all about what is going on. Most are aware enough not to bring things up but occasionally things come thru. 

 

I'll be ok. Still wish things were different. 

 

Big sigh.

[Meimeiquest]

Hugs!

[mattinsmom]

Thanks

[bubble]

Dear Amy,

 

you are doing so well. Even with this sad thing. I don't like to tell people this because I feel like I'm putting a burden on them to do well from now on. But maybe it's just me. I don't know how it makes you feel.

 

It's true what they say: time is the only thing that helps, although some things can hurt forever although less piercingly. For some other things, we simply grow out of them after a while and even look back in wonder at all the agony and just regret all the suffering for nothing. Not that any suffering is for nothing. But some persons and situations don't merit it. Only time will tell which of the two categories your memory will fall into.

 

But feeling sad about sad things is also great!

 

It means you can also feel a hug even if it is electronic

 

so, big hugs!

[mattinsmom]

I most definitely feel eHugs

[mlrp]

(((Hug for Amy)))

 

Just catching up on your thread, Amy. Thank you for your recent visit to mine.

 

I'm reading up on your recent developments with interest. So happy that the first eye surgery was successful and noting that your second surgery was a couple of days ago. Prayers that all has gone well.

[mattinsmom]

Just a quick check in.

2nd surgery went ok but im having significant vision problems dr is aware and we are working on it.

Am having major panic attacks from not being able to see. Things kinda sucky right now. I know i will be ok. Meantime this took way too long to type. Stressing me out.

 

Sorry for being behind on checking in on people. Thoughts and prayers your ways even when im not here.

[Meimeiquest]

So sorry it is so hard. I'm sure both the vision probs and the uncertainty are really, really hard. Please keep us posted as you are able.

[WinningThrough]

So sorry MM. I hope things improve for you soon. Have you looked into reiki? Thinking of you x

[mattinsmom]

Hi Meime and WT. Thanks for checking in on me. 

 

Today is a better day. I still get waves, literally, visually but not as frequently. Things seem to be healing. Tonight I was able to check in on people's posts and it has been awhile since I've been able to see well enough to read. My eyes are getting tired now tho. 

 

As my vision gets better my frustration seems to improve too. I think that I get scared more than anything. I never expected to react the way that I did. I was not blinded by any stretch it was only that everything was blurry and I felt trapped. I don't do well with feeling trapped. 

 

WT - Thanks for the reiki reminder. I am a rmt and a shamanic practitioner and had become so caught up in my own drama that I forgot to use the tools that I have. Another bad habit of mine. 

 

All in all I am doing ok. I tried to touch in on people's threads. I wish I could have written more on them but tired eyes have brought a tired brain. But I am on my way back!!!

[mattinsmom]

trigger warning

 

I'm in trouble. (I'm ok technically) Time frame is sketchy and this jumps but here's the gist.

 

Over the summer I started drinking a Coke here and there. It wasn't much but it was more than I used to and I knew I needed to curb it back. When I had my 1st surgery 5+ weeks ago they couldn't get me under and loaded me on benzos  for the procedure. (I stuck to my regular med dose immediately after) I had a horrid headache for a week or so  after and caffeine seemed to help. The Coke increased to daily, then a couple a day. It started to slow down once the headaches stopped but a one a day coke habit stayed 

 

For my 2nd surgery they used benzos and fentanyl. I liked the fentanyl.,,too much. I think I've been chasing that feeling ever since. My vision probs post op, and all kinds of changes in my home, left me with awful panic attacks. I know, epsom salt baths, changing channels, reaching out, magnesium, yoga...but for whatever self-injurious lame reason I chose to dope it up. So, .5mg lorazapam once or twice to take the edge off and a coke to curb the tired started. There were one or two days in there I was fine with my normal 2mg lorazapam but then something happened (?) and it was back to 2.5. I've been steadily increasing; 2.5, 3, 3.5... Yesterday I had a great day, was out in the sunshine, visited with a friend and by 3am had had 3 cokes and 4mg of lorazapam. I have no justification and I want more.  

 

Last night at 3am I took my 4th lorazapam. About an hour later I finally fell asleep. I tossed and turned, woke every hour or so until 8 and then slept a dead-mans sleep until 2 this afternoon. No part of me wanted to get out of bed. I did, I had things that had to get done. I was pissed that I had to get up tho. I met my 4pm anxiety with a coke and .5mg lorazapam ignoring that I had had nothing to eat/drink since the day before. As I type I am eating a hot dog and beans (1st meal of the day) and washing it down with a coke. I am impatiently waiting for 10 (normal med time) to take that extra lorazapam that I won't even bother to pretend justify this time. 

 

But what I want is fentanyl. The only drug I never did as a teen was heroin. I think that the surgery has somehow reawakened that "junkie" part of me and now I am using "legal" drugs to feed it. And I'm not sure I want to stop. October is a particularly bad month for me. Seems my family likes to die at the end of October/early November.

 

My youngest gets his full driving license on October 24, meaning he can drive friends. Yup. "death week" starts October 23/4 and ends November 9. The fact that Halloween (All Hallows Eve) is dab smack in the middle is not lost on me.  Since he got his permit in April he has (in order) damaged the bottom of my car (drove over a rock garden boarder - I have done the same), got a ding in my door in a parking lot, smashed in the side of his dad's car into a tree, hit an opossum, totaled the car last week (rear-ended/he's fine), had my windshield crack from a stone, and tonight called to say he'd been pulled over for speeding. Mind you, the last 4 events happened in the last 3-weeks! The 24th is when he can legally have the distractions of driving with other people in the car added to his already questionable skills. I know/feel he has already had kids with him but still, it becomes different somehow and the fact that it is on the 24th has my mind all effed up. 

 

It was a year ago, in October, that I became serious about my taper/stopping medications. I've been doing great lately. I hear that this will pass, that yes, I screwed up, that we all make mistakes, and I want to die. 

 

I know this is temporary, I know I was due for a little shake-up, I know that I've lived thru worse and I don't care. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to grieve my friend anymore. I don't want to question if I have/want a marriage, I don't want to wonder if I remembered to take my meds or use the correct eye drops, I don't want to watch my family grow up - thus out, I don't want to try to figure out what I am going to do now that they don't really need me, I don't want to wonder if it is bad enough yet to call my therapist or if I bother her too much, I don't want to contend with a 70+ pound puppy and the changes it brings to my previously quiet routine, I don't want to worry about money, I don't want to try to figure out how to pay for another business trip (for my partner - not me). Yes we get reimbursed but that does not negate the need for me to find money upfront or to cover extra meals etc. I don't want to spend another weekend alone cleaning the house (purging) and coming across memory after memory. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of being either physically alone in this house or feeling even more completely alone when it is filled with family. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to feel anything. I don't want to care about anything. 

 

I know, whine, whine, whine. I know that on a scale of life these are such minor issues one should hardly be allowed to call them more than inconveniences. And I want to close my eyes so the floaters and halos and wobbles go away. I want to shut my ears so I don't hear the music the kids are playing, I want to shut my heart so it will stop breaking every time I think of my ex-person, or dead family, or fears about my son. I want to stop my mind, just stop it. It is mean. It is a vicious bully. I want everything to just stop.I want to feel that release that comes the second before fentanyl kicks in, the one where I know that nothingness is just a blink away.

 

And I have been around crazy for so long that I know a million and 2 ways to do it. 

 

Do I need to taper the Benzos back? Probably. Will I? Probably. But is it because I want to, or because I feel like it is what I "should" do. After all, neither offing myself or being a junkie are socially acceptable alternatives. 

 

I hear myself say that I don't care but some part of me must because I am here talking. I haven't implemented any of my million and 2-ways yet. However, it is 10:00 and I am going to take that extra benzo simply because I can. If I'm not asleep in an hour I'll take another one for the same reason. This wave has taken me so far from ok I can't even see the shore. 

[Addax]

I am so sorry you are struggling so much right now. Anniversary grief can be so difficult and cause us to feel so emotionally labile. For it to be the anniversary of more than one... . Add to that witdrawal and the other things your feeling, I don't blame you for wanting the world to stop so you can step off and take a break for awhile. I don't blame you for wanting to escape or for wanting to feel numb.

 

Our minds are indeed mean to us. Cruel sometimes, and crueler still in withdrawal. But as you said, you know it will pass. Even if you don't believe that now (waves have a way of washing away hope), intellectually you know it's true. The million and 2 ways won't pass... Those are permanent. I'm glad some part of you cares and chose to write in your thread.

 

You already acknowledged the slippery slope of the increased benzo use... Just be careful Mattinsmom. And be kind to yourself. Please. You are so warm and kind to others here, do the same for yourself.

[mammaP]

Popping in with a great big extra squishy Mamma hug. I am so sorry that you are hurting like this

Amy, you have been doing so well and come so far. It will pass, it really will but please please take

care with the benzo's, taking one just because you can will end up making you more miserable. 

I know this is not at all the same but I once ate a whole tub of ice cream because I was feeling yukky

and it was there in the supermarket just pleading with me to take it home, like a little kitten with huge eyes.

 

I ate it because I wanted to, like a defiant child, and I was so sick for days after 

 

Is it worth it? That ice cream certainly was NOT worth it, and I have now completely lost the desire.

I know, not even remotely like benzo addiction but just thought I'd throw it out there. 

 

I'm thinking about you and rooting for you, I really hope that you feel better soon.  xx

[bubble]

Dear Amy,

 

thank you very much for sharing these painfully clear and sharp insights. I think we can all identify. I would also liek to quote what you wrote to me not so long time ago (but I'm not as verbally skillful as you): I will not join the flagelation because you are doing it so well yourself. You obviously knew very well what you were talking about

 

I fear any medical intervention, even taking ATBs now. You went through a very traumatic intervention, twice. It affected your vision which is so core to us that it is no wonder you were shaken. Not to mention those additional drugs that interfered with your system. Give yourself some credit for that. You did what you had to do.

 

But now is time to stop because as MammaP said this temporary relief will make you feel worse very soon (as you know only so well). It's perfectly OK not to want to do or feel or think anything. But you can give yourself the permission to do, think and feel nothing (or not so much) for as long as it takes. You don't need the drugs. It's easy for me to say because I have no kids (but I have a baby brother), start with your son. Let him take some responsibility for his actions. Let go off it and worry. Recognise how much and what you can do (not giving him your car and the money for petrol, talking to him about what (the hellI) has been going on with all those "mishaps". But then letting it go. You have no further responsibility.  like what Kahlil Gilbran said on children:

 

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, 
and He bends you with His might 
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, 
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

[Meimeiquest]

Dear Amy, I am not a good writer, but I wanted to say I am sorry for your troubles. Because you had to go quickly off the Wellbutrin, I wonder if you are now experiencing something that I did partway down that last 100...it was the weirdest, most overwhelming depression. The only analogy I can think of is being on a carnival ride that just flattens you against the side of the ride with centrifugal force. I had to just go to bed and let it wash, wash, wash, spin, spin, spin until it ended. We cannot think at those times. You just hang onto the edge of the bed.

 

I also had irrational fears, crying that my little one might be in a car accident on the way home from Girl Scout camp. There was the thread of tiny past traumas...we saw an accident on that interstate and we were in a very serious accident years ago where she suffered a head injury, but it was still bizarre. I can't imagine going through that phase with big traumas for the brain to latch on to.

 

But sending out a sixteen year old is tough, we did that in February. We do all we can, and then we entrust them to God.

 

You are in our thoughts! Thank you for sharing with us.

[Rhiannon]

Hi Amy.

 

I want to say: Be gentle, love yourself 

and also

Straighten up and fly right! (in a loving way, "fly right" in the ways that are good for you, that will bring you wellness and healing and joy).

 

It's a dialectic that I find myself caught in often--to love and be gentle and accept myself exactly as I am, yet also to give myself the discipline and structure to do what is best for me, even if it's not what I feel like doing right now. I wish I had the answer down pat!

 

I feel like you're sort of asking for advice/help, so I'll give you some; if you don't want it, feel free to ignore it.

 

Know that you are accepted and cared about here, by a bunch of strangers all over the world. Treat yourself right. Make small steps to improve your situation. Maybe it's time for girlfriend and big dog to find a new place to be, you can't be the only option and it's really really not your responsibility to rescue them. Part of them growing up is figuring out how to take care of their own responsibilities. Maybe it's time to let them know there's a limit, a date by which they have to be gone or something. You need a peaceful home right now and they are young and healthy and have many options, you're just the easiest. Well, you don't have to be the easiest any more, because it's sure not easy for you.

 

The state may be telling your son he can drive, but that doesn't mean you have to give him access to a car if he's not showing that he's capable of being responsible with one, or he hasn't yet paid for the damages he's already done. You don't even have to let him get a license. If you don't think he's safe behind the wheel, you have every right to say no about that. You're his mom and that's your right and your job.

 

It's okay to ask the people in your life to take care of and support YOU for a while. You need and deserve it. You're in withdrawal, which is challenging all by itself, and you know what that requires: gentle support for your CNS, reduce stress and overstimulation, all that stuff. You've also just come through two very stressful medical procedures, on your EYES for goodness sake, how scary is that? You deserve a lot of support and slack right now.

 

You know that the path of uppers and downers, caffeine and benzos, leads nowhere good, leads nowhere at all. The only way to go from there is to come back.

 

Don't beat yourself up; just weave in small, tiny pieces today of what you know is good. Maybe just take the time to breathe, stretch, reach for a moment of loving yourself. Maybe pour out some of that Coke before you drink the rest. Maybe write down how much benzo you're taking and at what time, because lorazepam is short acting and taking it erratically will cause interdose withdrawal and anxiety and panic, so you need to start by getting those doses regular and controlled, and the way to start that is by knowing what you're taking when.

 

It's a lot. As a survivor of the kind of childhood you had, overwhelm and abuse and not being taken care of is probably what feels normal, maybe even comfortable in its familiarity. As someone who has chosen to walk the warrior journey of healing and emergence, you know that you have to constantly choose a path different from the one you were taught growing up, and that's not easy and doesn't feel natural. But you have shown over and over that you have the courage and the spirit for it.

 

I know you know everything I've said, and you know everything you need to know. Hugs to you Amy, I have been in the place you're in, or something very much like it. You can and will find your way out. You don't have to suffer. It's okay to heal your life. Speaking as another survivor on that challenging path I can tell you it's not cheating, it's safe, it's okay to reach for wellness and balance and ease and love. You can do it, and you will, as we both know.

 

Much love, namaste, shalom. And thank you for being you and being a sister spirit. Your being you supports and inspires me and helps me on my own path.

[mlrp]

Hi, Amy,

 

I wish I still had the energy/time/wherewithal to practice astrology because it seems as if there's some kind of similar transit going on "out there." I'm in a pretty crappy wave myself at the moment and was crying to my husband the other day (working myself up into a fit like a scared, cranky little girl) that I just wanted someone to "cut that part of my brain out" - the part that is giving me so much grief and pain. The part that is messed up by these drugs and is also still so strongly affected by my mother. And, for the first time since I've been on this journey, I found myself toying with the thought of maybe taking another one or two lorazepams, just to "take the edge off." I don't have a very addictive personality - codependency issues, yes, - but not so much for substances, so I guess I'm lucky there.

 

Something in the zeitgeist. Maybe it's the change of seasons... 

 

I'm not helping much here by just blabbing on about myself. But I do want to second what others have said here - you are such an important, cherished member of this community. "Sister spirit" puts it well (thank you, Rhi). You do know the answers, so no need to repeat them here --  and I do hear your frustration - to which you have every right, every right. Sit with that pain and anger. And release it when you are ready.

 

I hope and wish for you an easing of your spirit, a lessening of your agitation, and a re-awakening of your inner guide to lead you safely back. I'm confident that you know the right path forward (you've as much as said). Take good care of our Amy, whom we all love.

[bubble]

Hello dear Amy,

 

just wanted to let you know we are thinking about you...You can and you will make it. Again. And as many times as it needs be...

 

hugs

[mattinsmom]

Tried a couple things today. Everything backfired. My eyes are getting to be more troublesome. I have am approach ached with surgeon don't remember when. I'm pissed at tripping over **** -like a 70lb dog! Who doesn't see that? Made myself dinner and just dropped it. Seriously, I had it then I didn't. Dumped a plant and have a muddy floor.

 

Whatever. Sucky day. I did start writing the lorazepam down. .5 ever 4 hours with 1 mg somwhere during course of daub

( not seeing pattern yet) 3mg at bed. On average I am seeing around 6 mg. needed bendryl to finally sleep last night. Might be an oncore tonight. I should be unconscious by now. Not drinking-focus on positive, right?

 

Haven't given up yet. Still believe this is temporary acting out in a way I can understand.

 

I have so much to say but this has takenw 45 minutes because I can't see letters and typos. Gonna go before too pissed.

 

Sorry folks. Hope you are all doing ok. I'll get to your pages when I can.

[WinningThrough]

Big hugs Amy x

[WinningThrough]

Thinking of you, Amy. Hope you're coping ok.

[bubble]

Hang in there Amy. Thinking about you and sending healing vibes. Of cours eit's temporary and I'm very happy you are able to remind ourself it might be the case. 

 

This sucks but you've been through a lot and you will make it. 

[lobster]

I'm sorry things are rough right now: -( you are a strong person and will over come this. I'm pulling for you take care: -)

[Meimeiquest]

Thinking of you!

[Rhiannon]

Love you Amy! And yes of course this is temporary. Hang in there. 

[mlrp]

<<<hug for Amy>>> Wishing you renewed strength to get through this tough time.

[mammaP]

Dropping by with a mamma hug Amy, hope you are ok and feeling a little better. 

[mattinsmom]

Thanks for all the love hugs and thoughts. Still can't see. Appoint meant tomorrow.

I'm doing ok

[mattinsmom]

Thanks for all the love hugs and thoughts. Still can't see. Appoint meant tomorrow.

I'm doing ok

[Rhiannon]

Thinking of you. Keep us posted please!

[Muddles]

Hugs for you

[WinningThrough]

Hope your appointment goes ok.

[mattinsmom]

Thank you all for checking in and sending your support my way. My appointment went well.  My body is healing slowly. There are new drops that seem to be helping. The cataracts are gone and much of the shape changes have been corrected. I will have to have a slight procedure in a couple of months. I don't know how to explain it really except that they are going to clear out any left-over stuff floating around in the surface area. I'm told it is pretty common. Its a couple of minutes in the office during a regular appointment. No meds needed. I will still need glasses but I've worn them forever so no big deal. Tonight is the first night I've really been able to sit at a computer (written words) and focus. 

 

My temper tantrum/panic lorazapam/caffeine stint was thankfully short-lived. Everything is settled and back to "normal". I'm adjusting to life with a very large puppy and another person in the house. My youngest, well, I look good grey  

 

All in all I have my footing. The vision issue was/is so much larger than I ever expected. I have certainly received a lesson in gratitude. I'm sure that the more it improves the more comfortable I'll feel.