☼ Mattinsmom: update

[mammaP]

Mamma hugs too xx

[tezza]

Hi mattinsmom,

 

I hope your stomach feels better. I've done stuff like that before and I'm much more cautious now.

 

Are you really gonna do a scrapbook? That would be cool! I did one when I was young and still have it. It was just whatever I put in because they didn't sell all the stuff for it like they do now, I don't think.

 

You seem much better than when you first joined, I know you were going through a tough time on top of WD and you've shown strength and determination.

 

Thank you for joining us!

[mattinsmom]

Meime, I wish I had something profound worth writing. 

 

Thank you all for the hugs, they are always welcome and appreciated. 

 

Rhi - you are too funny "Momma Rhi says NO NO too"  I often hear your voice (as I've decided you sound in my head) when I see the word "taper". Seriously. sometimes when I'm reading posts I hear '"you"  saying "slow taper...". Its pretty awesome

 

Sometimes I can see that my body is responding to this hold. I'm starting to notice that I'm sleeping longer, more able to tolerate stupid people, even eating has gotten better (minus the yogurt incident). I am sure I don't see anywhere near what you do, especially when I am having strong emotions, so I thank you for pointing out that you've noticed.

 

Tezza - I use to love the scrapbook thing. I have "family" books for me to keep and each of my boys have their own books that I add notes to. I just write about what was happening when the pictures were taken and things that I think they might like to know when they get older. Last year(?) I threw together a small book and brief note to cover '08. '09' and '10 but its so minimal.

 

When I pulled out my stuff the other night I noticed that everything stopped in 2007. I was reading thru the boys books and watched everything deteriorate. My handwriting got worse, my notes got less frequent, then more generic, and then they stopped. It was shocking to see the progression. Quite sad actually. I don't know what "broke" in '07 but clearly something did and everything spiraled down.

 

One of the things I hate the most about w/d is clarity. I hate being able to look back over the years and see the things I never even realized I was missing. I hate looking back at opportunities that slipped by. I hate how clear it is, in hindsight, that I was steadily crashing.and I get really mad that the people in my life didn't catch it either. I hate that we all blindly followed "Dr.s Orders".  Psychopharm is such a slow and insidious predator.  

 

I'm going to beat this ****. I really am.   

[tezza]

Yes, you will beat it and so am I, we have to stay determined. I was poly drugged too, just not so long. I sure miss who I used to be...it doesn't take these drugs long to change a brain.

 

You are coming along well, it seems. I know you will make it through this and become stronger and wiser. We can all make it together!

[mattinsmom]

Yesterday was such a fantastic day. I pushed myself beyond every comfort level and went to brunch with someone I met, briefly, at a town festival a couple of weeks ago. We had a wonderful conversation. I might be making a friend!

 

Yesterday was also really busy. I had a lot of errands to run and my day went long. I was tired by the time I got home last night. No problem sleeping but weird dreams. 

 

Today, not feeling so good. I'm exhausted. My head hurts and feels full - so much so that my ears ache. My stomach is funky. Even my partner made a comment about how "off" I look. She asked if I was upset. I said that no, not emotionally. I'm distracted and a bit flat but no "emotions" however I'm physically not feeling well. She said I looked exhausted and just not right. She questioned if I was maybe getting a sinus infection or flu. I've had this before and didn't get sick so I connected it to w/d and having had such a busy atypical day yesterday.

 

While we were talking I ran thru everything I did yesterday and caught myself say "and then I went to the dr for the Hep A/B booster..." Ta Da!

 

I feel a wee bit like an idiot for not making the connection sooner and a lot relieved that I do have at least a contributing factor that will go away.

 

I had planned on paying bills today but I am too out of sorts to even try to do math. It will have to wait until tomorrow. Today I am taking it easy and slow. I don't think my body would let me do it any other way anyhow. Its going to continue to be a surf the web/stare into space kind of day. 

[Wolfhound]

Mm, i am happy, even if i do not feel hapiness, i would be happy wright now that you had two nice and better days.

you mean so much to me.w.

[mattinsmom]

Mm, i am happy, even if i do not feel hapiness, i would be happy wright now that you had two nice and better days.

you mean so much to me.w.

Thank you.

Just pointing out - the fact that you noticed I had good days is a good sign for you! It might not feel like it, but from the outside looking in, its a good thing.

[mattinsmom]

Feeling so much better today. Physical stuff all went away overnight. I'll need to remember that when I get my last booster in 5-months. 

 

All good here. Favorite show is coming on and its a new episode. AND, my partner bought me a 6-pack of Reese's p-butter eggs! Bliss happening right there. 

[bubble]

very happy to read this too

 

as I said, another little sign I noticed of you being better is visiting other people's thread

 

I also agree this is a great sign for Wolfhound...

 

(and it brings hope to all of us;)

 

hugs

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Hugs to you. I hope someday to have bliss of  Reese's again! The sugar cravings from the AD's had me mindlessly eating choc and sweets for years. What a waste.......

[Rhiannon]

Hi Amy! just wanted to stop by and say hello. I've seen your notes on other peoples' threads. Sounds like you're continuing to stabilize and improve. Keep up the hold. You deserve to see what "good" feels like for a change.

[mattinsmom]

So much to tell and too tired to tell it.

 

This is just a check in. Things are good. I'm feeling pretty good, getting things done. Thoughts and moods still swing but they are manageable. Mostly I've been insanely busy catching up on all the stuff that didn't get done last month. Getting the most I can out of this window. I even put on a pound!

 

I'm grateful. A month ago I didn't believe that I would ever feel like this. You were all right, its worth it. I know I am not done. I know that eventually a wave will come along, but by having these moments to hold onto I think (hope) they will be somewhat easier to deal with because I've seen this side now. I have a point of reference. 

 

So, I'm good. Praying and thinking about others, even when I don't make it to post on other's pages.

[Petunia]

I'm so glad you have a nice window Amy, you have been through so much.  Please don't worry about not posting, take this time to do what you need to do for yourself, cherish this good time and make it a strong memory so when you look back from a wave, it stands out clearly.

 

(hugs)

Petu.

[bubble]

So much to tell and too tired to tell it.

 

This is just a check in. Things are good. I'm feeling pretty good, getting things done. Thoughts and moods still swing but they are manageable. Mostly I've been insanely busy catching up on all the stuff that didn't get done last month. Getting the most I can out of this window. I even put on a pound!

 

I'm grateful. A month ago I didn't believe that I would ever feel like this. You were all right, its worth it. I know I am not done. I know that eventually a wave will come along, but by having these moments to hold onto I think (hope) they will be somewhat easier to deal with because I've seen this side now. I have a point of reference. 

 

So, I'm good. Praying and thinking about others, even when I don't make it to post on other's pages.

  wow Amy, this is so amazing to read!!!

 

It gives hope to everyone

 

You've said it all! I like this one the most: A month ago I didn't believe that I would ever feel like this. 

 

Hope it gives strength to all still waiting for their window and thank you so much for posting, Amy! After this, when another wave comes, you will know with more certainty it will pass. This proves we are all on the right track!

 

big hug

[lobster]

Im hoping you are still in a better place and feeling good :-)

[Wolfhound]

Hi MM, I just wanted to ask you how are you doing, I am thinking of you and I miss you very much. I do hope you are in a better place....

[mammaP]

Hope that window is still open for you Amy, I'm so pleased that you have been having some good days

that you will be able to look back on when the waves hit again 

[mattinsmom]

It has been an oddly busy few days. Time has certainly gotten away from me.

 

I am inclined to write that my window slammed shut this morning but  I think its more like a screen got put in and the window is only cracked open. Its rough today.

 

I woke up very suicidal. Actually, to be perfectly honest, I went to bed thinking about dying. I didn't understand where it was coming from last night but today it makes a little more sense. 

 

Today is my grandmother's (my Mammy's) birthday. She would have been 87. I am really missing her and it is a reminder that I don't have that kind of family anymore. I haven't in a very long time. Its bringing back the memories of noone being at my wedding, or my college graduation(s), or the births of my kids, or when the boys were so dangerously sick, or when......  I truly believe that they are here and a part of my life in Spirit but sometimes, dammit, I want them here in body. There are just times in life when a person needs a mom to say "its going to be ok". 

 

Spring came here with a time change and  -2* temps. I don't do well with either. My partner has been working 14+ hour days which leaves me carry a brunt of work that has to happen around the house. I wasn't able to meet a new friend for brunch today because of the weather. Then of course there are all those inter-personal relationships.  

 

I'm just tired. My life is too heavy today. I did call my therapist and we got through the roughest bump so far. I agreed to check in later tonight. Tonight I'm allowing myself to let her be my "safe place". Her, and here. Being able to write that I want to die knowing that noone is going to freak out on me, or condemn me, or anything else yucky is such a relief. Its a blessing. 

 

So I "want" to say my window slammed, and maybe it did a little, but I know its temporary. Today sucks, I'm ready for it to be over, and in 7 hours it will be tomorrow. I'm going to believe that tomorrow will be better. I know I can do this.

 

I know that this too shall pass. 

[bubble]

Thanks for checking in Amy and sharing how you feel.

 

You are handling everything so well and being in control even while allowing yourself to loosen up the control.

 

big hug

[Wolfhound]

Thanks for writing Amy.

You are soooo strong, I admire you so much. I admire how you handle these horrible feelings....

I am so sorry for the family members. I know now I am very lucky about that. Yesterday I managed to go to my parents for an hour and I realised they love me so much even if they do not tell it in words, I could feel it in the air. When you are writing about your granny, it makes me think about my father who is a very old man, older now than your granny would be...I am his late child....and when I feel suicidal I try thinking about his life about all he has been through during his life, he nearly died many times, was wounded in WWII ... and never gave up. And I have so many problems with my depressive and intrusive thoughts, my tinnitus, my dyskynesia...

[Rhiannon]

Hi Amy-- I'm sorry to hear your window has closed, but that seems to be how it goes. The fact that you did have it is what matters, because it's such a good sign. I've seen a lot of people going through this healing and recovery process over the years--hundreds, now, it must be--and you're doing quite well, responding and stabilizing overall, even if you're having a crap time right now.

 

It's just a bumpy process. Our brains don't really know how to do this efficiently, since we've never before in evolution been exposed to this particular kind of physiological insult.

 

I'm sorry you're struggling with feeling suicidal. I get that one too, all the time. In fact I would say it's been my most consistent symptom both in withdrawal and in general since beginning ADs even while taking them. It's hard to describe to people and it's hard for them to understand. I get occasional windows of being completely nonsuicidal from time to time and then I realize why it's so hard for people to understand. In fact just a few days ago I was talking to a friend about death and realized that I (at that moment) was glad to be alive and really don't want to die for many more years. Then the past few days, yesterday, today, it's shifted again; I'm not in that intensely suicidal space at all (thank goddess) but I have that sort of passive suicidality, that "well if an asteroid fell from the sky and landed on my head today, it would be a relief and I wouldn't mind at all" kind of space.

 

I'm having some trouble with anhedonia right now, which doesn't help--when there's no particular joy in life, even when the sun is shining and it's spring and the flowers are blooming...

 

It's helpful to hear what you say about wishing you had family. I doubt I would still be alive today if it weren't for my daughters, who have made it clear that they want me to be alive.

[bubble]

sort of passive suicidality, that "well if an asteroid fell from the sky and landed on my head today, it would be a relief and I wouldn't mind at all" kind of space.

 

 

 

Oh my Rhi, I has this feeling so very often and it's actually such a big part of my outlook on world that I stopped being aware of it...

 

hope today was a better day Amy...

[mattinsmom]

I am so overwhelmed and confused

 

I've posted before that my youngest (16) has been smoking pot and that I don't approve, for many reasons. Most of my issues are simply because of brain development and coping mechanisms that are becoming more permanent during the teens. If ever there is a time for using mind altering substances it is not adolescence...too much pre-frontal cortex stuff happening. Side-tracked. 

 

The start of this writing is that last night his girlfriend's parents (who smoke) asked him to leave the house. He said he "didn't know why except they were accusing him of being high and he wasn't". This is, of course, bull. Today his room reeked after he left for work therefore I looked and again I've found pot. This time I also found a substance that is "all natural" but is essentially a steroid on speed. Coincidentally he just started going to the gym.

 

So here's the thing, just a little bit ago I took my benzo,(as scheduled). When he comes home from work in a few hours his "pot" will have worn off but my benzo won't have. He'll get to experience the whole "look what I found" conversation without the assistance of a sedative but I'll experience it chemically supported. It just feels unfair. I completely understand why he is smoking 100%. He is an anxious kid and he has trouble with sleep.

 

He's anxious and smokes a joint

I'm anxious I take a benzo and a mood stabilizer

 

He has trouble sleeping and smokes a joint

I have trouble sleeping and take a benzo

 

Do I really have any room to say anything? Of course I do, I'm his mom, he's a minor, and it is illegal here. Yet still in the back of my head I feel like a hypocrite. 

I know that if I took him to a doctor for anxiety/insomnia we'd walk out with a prescription. I don't want that. He refuses to do yoga and/or meditate. He says it doesn't help. I think its mostly because he's 16 and has to disagree with everything. He did agree to exercise and he started going to the gym. I've been oh-so supportive and encouraging. Just this morning I commented on how his muscles are getting bigger. And....he's taking what is essentially a steroid. wtf?

 

I smoked pot quite a lot as a teen, and he knows this. He repeatedly tells me that its different now and I can't understand. The little sh** (not really hes 6'+ and built like a linebacker) said "No mom, you can't understand. You are not a boy. You did not grow up in a loving household where you never had to worry about anything. You didn't have a good childhood where you were taken care of and people loved you. You were hurt. I have a family that loves me. I live in a nice house and have nice things. You always take care of me. No mom, you can't understand. You smoked pot to run away from all your problems. I smoke because I like it."

 

He kinda has a point. 

 

Even if I simply toss the pot and tell him I don't approve there is still this other substance. There is still the idea that he has learned that if he wants to change how he feels, looks, etc... there is a pill, plant, or substance that will *fix* it. What started out as just a little pot went to being more regular pot use, riding in cars with drivers who'd been smoking, and now to steroid-ish pills/drink. What is next?

 

I looked up the ingredients and the possible side effects are horrific. There is everything from rash to death. Of course. It is a supplement therefore not required to have any testing. There are no amounts/measurements per ingredient, and, it has Yohimbe bark extract (its a bad thing). I honestly don't know what to do.

 

I am about ready to toss in the towel. I don't know that I am having a wave or a window or any kind of w/d effect. I think this is a scared parent effect. My head is spinning. My thoughts are racing. I want to ground him from everyone, everywhere, everything. I want to shake him and scream. I want to slap the sh** out of the kid I know (believe) buys all of this (he's the only 18yo friend). I want to run away. I want to pretend I don't know any of it. I want to take more meds so I don't care. I want to take no meds because I feel like a hypocrite. Mostly I want to hug him and cry. 

 

 

 

 

.

[mattinsmom]

last night went better than expected. Not resolved, but better. The steroid-ish drug was an experiment. When we went over the ingredients and the side effects he said he absolutely will not do it again. He didn't realize that it was different from a similar advertised drug. He's not planning on trying that one either. Pot is an issue and will be as long as he's a minor and its illegal. But, its not a fight. I tell him not to, I find his stuff, I throw it out. That's our system.

 

As for me, I see that last night was not just a scared parent moment. The past week +/-  I didn't want to believe that my window was really closing. I have to own it now. My window has indeed closed. It feels like there is an army on the other side nailing it shut. Aside from w/d I don't understand what tripped this. I am an anxious mess. My life is much too much and way too big. I have yet to figure out how I can feel so anxious that sitting still is torture and yet the idea of getting off my rear to do anything is overwhelming. I end up doing nothing.

 

House needs cleaning. Plants need watering. Groceries need getting. Dog's nails need trimming. I want to vomit.

 

I ordered a camera and it came today. I opened the box, pulled out the paperwork, cds, manual, said hell no, and packed it back up. I don't think I'll be able to understand anything enough to read it today. I'll probably need someone to sit with me and go step-by-step to teach me how to use the thing. Usually I would be ok with it and make a crack about being technologically-challenged but today I just feel dumb.  

 

i am having some trouble with my lorazapam. My split is .25 am, .25 afternoon, and 1.5 bedtime. I was noticing that the afternoon dose was leaving me very sleepy but lately that hasn't happened. My anxiety has been higher so I'm guessing that is why. My sleeping at night is progressively getting worse. I managed to fall asleep last night/this morning around 4. I "slept" (I use the term lightly) until 10 but I was up 3x to pee then at 6:30 and 7:00 to say bye to kids, many times to adjust pillow, covers, clothing. Then there were the disturbing dreams.  The way things have been creeping I am guessing that I'll see the sunrise tomorrow morning before sleep comes. I sleep really well from 7am-10am but my body does not handle lack of sleep at all. I am assuming that my increased anxiety - thus body chemistry changes - is utilizing more of the lorazapam so I'm not getting the nighttime sleepy from it. I don't want to take more because that is just creating a bigger problem down the road. I am considering moving my afternoon one back to bedtime but with the anxiety I'm having right now I think my afternoons would be unbearable. Not sure what to do. Magnesium helps take some of the edge off but not enough.  

 

You know, I haven't made a freaking med change since December. One would think that by now things would be a bit more stable, or at least predictable.

 

Sucks to be me today. 

[Wolfhound]

I just wanted to say I am thinking of you, I missed you and I very much liked what you have written but I am not able to write more today....

[mattinsmom]

Dragged my a** off the chair and trimmed the dogs nails.

Reason  1-million and 2 that I suck - cut one way too short and made him bleed. 

[bubble]

you are doing it, you were a great mom faced with a difficult situation and you handled it, things are hard but you go on

 

the nail will heal, we will all heal...

[mammaP]

I'm sorry that window has closed Amy, it's always devastating to feel a window closing. You want to bang

on it and beg and plead for it to stay open, just a crack at least. Imagine though that it isn't being banged shut

to torture you, it's being gently closed to allow your brain to get on with healing.

A bit like the symptoms of flu, I once saw a documentary that explained what all the symptoms mean, and that 

all of them are because the immune system is working hard to keep your body going and fight the virus. 

I remember that when in a wave and remind myself that it is my body that is needing to get on with healing.

It will open again, it isn't nailed shut, just has the lock on for now. 

 

I understand how you feel about your son too, my youngest son started smoking pot, or 'wacky baccy' as he

called it. He was 16 and I was devastated. The more I tried to get him to see, the more he smoked. 

He did grow out of it, he's in his 30's now and I believe he still has a joint now and again but doesn't get high

like he did then.   Teenagers are a worry, give me toddlers any day! 

[mattinsmom]

Every time a window is open for a couple days I start to think about what kind of crazy I am. I start to believe that I just might be the kind of crazy that "gets better". I start to see myself as the kind of crazy that becomes normal. 

 

And then the wave hits

 

That is when I realize I am the kind of crazy that always almost makes it. 

 

Some things are so broken that no matter how much glue is used they will never really be fixed. 

 

Having an Edgar Allen Poe kind of evening. 

[Jemima]

Ah, Amy, you really must read this book:  You're Going To Be Okay:  Encouraging Truth You Need To Hear, Especially on the Hard Days by Holley Gerth. (I seem to remember that you're a Christian.  If I'm wrong, disregard this suggestion.) I'm re-reading it immediately after reading it for the first time because it helped me so much I need another dose of her kind of encouragement.

 

As for your sleeping problems, I highly recommend Source Naturals Melatonin Liquid .  It's a sublingual version and I find that it works within half an hour or so of taking it. To the best of my knowledge, it won't cause any harm when you are also taking a benzo. Lately I've been taking 2 mg. (without a benzo) and I don't feel tired when I wake up or hung over.

 

And trust me, you will heal.  The fact that you've had such a good window proves that your brain is rebuilding itself.

[mattinsmom]

Ah, Amy, you really must read this book:  You're Going To Be Okay:  Encouraging Truth You Need To Hear, Especially on the Hard Days by Holley Gerth. (I seem to remember that you're a Christian.  If I'm wrong, disregard this suggestion.) I'm re-reading it immediately after reading it for the first time because it helped me so much I need another dose of her kind of encouragement.

 

As for your sleeping problems, I highly recommend Source Naturals Melatonin Liquid .  It's a sublingual version and I find that it works within half an hour or so of taking it. To the best of my knowledge, it won't cause any harm when you are also taking a benzo. Lately I've been taking 2 mg. (without a benzo) and I don't feel tired when I wake up or hung over.

 

And trust me, you will heal.  The fact that you've had such a good window proves that your brain is rebuilding itself.

I am Christian, and a few other things too. I wouldn't disregard your suggestion even if I was atheist. Encouraging words are gifts no matter how they get to you. There are quite a few pages of the book on the Amazon site. I wonder if I can get it on my Kindle? I'll have to check into that. 

 

I will look into the Melatonin too. I know there is a reason why I don't currently use it but I don't remember what that reason is.   

 

Thanks for your support. I "know" that I will heal I just don't happen to feel it at the moment.  

[Jemima]

The You're Going To Be Okay book is based mostly on New Testament truths, so I thought that people of other religious beliefs might find it useless at best. It's available as a Kindle. I got the paperback because I knew I'd be highlighting and making notes and I find that too awkward on my Kindle. You might also like One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskow. That one absolutely blew me away, but it's not what I'd want for immediate encouragement on a bad day. (Also available as a kindle, and she has a blog called A Holy Experience that I find inspiring.)

[mattinsmom]

No

 

Just No.

[Rhiannon]

Aw Amy, hugs hugs hugs!

 

This up and down crazy thing is typical and normal for people going through psych drug withdrawal. You may not be able to see it yourself right now (when I am in your situation I never can) but it is clear to me that you are slowly stabilizing and healing. Stress knocks that all out of whack, which is typical and normal. Later, further along in healing, you will be able to tolerate more stress.

 

Please remember the habits and behaviors and foods et cetera that have been helping you in the past few months. Please try to do the things and think the thoughts etc. that help stabilize and calm and nurture you. As an abuse survivor I personally have a tendency to push myself too hard, to neglect the little self-care things (well and the big self-care things too sometimes). I tend to think I can tough this out, or to withdraw into a shell, or some combination of the above. Not to mention doing things that are actually self-destructive like eating bad crap, smoking cigarettes (yes I have done that from time to time!) or drinking.

 

I don't know if you're like me in this regard, but if any of that sounds familiar, well first, you have my compassion and many big hugs, I get it! And second, I encourage you to try to do at least one or two little self-nurturing things today, even if they're just small things, like sitting in the sunshine for ten minutes, or listening to soothing music and sipping a cup of tea.

 

Hm. Those both sound like good ideas for me today, actually. After five days in a row of inadequate sleep I broke down and at 6 am this morning I took half a tablet of Ambien and about a half mg of Valium to knock myself out. Now it's almost 1 pm and I'm just beginning to feel a little bit normal. Ambien always makes me feel like crap. Anyway I have to be at work at 2 so maybe I'll follow my own advice right now. (I am so much better at giving advice than I am at taking it!)

 

Hugs to you, lady. I'm sorry you're in a crap place right now. Hang in there.

[bubble]

Aw Amy, hugs hugs hugs!

 

This up and down crazy thing is typical and normal for people going through psych drug withdrawal. You may not be able to see it yourself right now (when I am in your situation I never can) but it is clear to me that you are slowly stabilizing and healing. Stress knocks that all out of whack, which is typical and normal. Later, further along in healing, you will be able to tolerate more stress.

 

Please remember the habits and behaviors and foods et cetera that have been helping you in the past few months. Please try to do the things and think the thoughts etc. that help stabilize and calm and nurture you. As an abuse survivor I personally have a tendency to push myself too hard, to neglect the little self-care things (well and the big self-care things too sometimes). I tend to think I can tough this out, or to withdraw into a shell, or some combination of the above. Not to mention doing things that are actually self-destructive like eating bad crap, smoking cigarettes (yes I have done that from time to time!) or drinking.

 

I don't know if you're like me in this regard, but if any of that sounds familiar, well first, you have my compassion and many big hugs, I get it! And second, I encourage you to try to do at least one or two little self-nurturing things today, even if they're just small things, like sitting in the sunshine for ten minutes, or listening to soothing music and sipping a cup of tea.

 

Hm. Those both sound like good ideas for me today, actually. After five days in a row of inadequate sleep I broke down and at 6 am this morning I took half a tablet of Ambien and about a half mg of Valium to knock myself out. Now it's almost 1 pm and I'm just beginning to feel a little bit normal. Ambien always makes me feel like crap. Anyway I have to be at work at 2 so maybe I'll follow my own advice right now. (I am so much better at giving advice than I am at taking it!)

 

Hugs to you, lady. I'm sorry you're in a crap place right now. Hang in there.

 

that's such a nice post Rhi. It helped me reading it and I hope it will do the same trick for Amy.

 

I can also see you are healing but as Rhi so beautifully put it, when we are in a wave, it seems so final and like we will never again feel different. that nasty characteristic makes it a wave..

 

since Rhi suggested, let's have a cup of tea together. I'll have jasmine green please

[Nikki]

It can be very disheartening to have the good window and then for it to go away.  But during those good times like you said you know you are going to be okay.....you are

 

Hugs