☼ Mattinsmom: update

[mattinsmom]

I think the games are good for mental calisthenics

[Rhiannon]

If the games are fun, they're probably good for y...SQUIRREL!

[mattinsmom]

What on earth is squirrel?

[mattinsmom]

Shameless plug

It's my birthday!

: )

[Meimeiquest]

Well, I didn't want to interrupt the squirrel thread, but I have to say happy birthday! This will be your year to get off Wellbutrin! And hopefully many other wonderful things! And thanks for your fly-boys...so sweet!

[bubble]

Oh Amy! Thank you for letting us know: a very happy birthday

[Rhiannon]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!  

 

(the squirrel thing is a joke from a movie, it's sort of like OOH Shiny!, being distracted...it's sort of caught on from the movie and some people use it as an expression now and what you said about your puppy reminded me of it)

 

Have a lovely day, Amy.

[mlrp]

Happy Birthday, Amy! Wishing you every good thing. @-%--- (ok, that's sort of supposed to be a rose.)

[mattinsmom]

Thank you for the birthday wishes. 

 

Just posting an update. Med drop is picking up speed mostly by choice. The healthier my eyes are the more my vision will be restored. At least it increases the odds. 

I've just gotten the "limit yard work" (YAY!. My eye flushes have increased too. They feel so good. My eyes have been aching and burning with all the med changes. I think it is very interesting that with every drop/change my vision/eye pain changes as well. I would love to jump to all kinds of conclusions here but have not a lick of science to back up anything I'm thinking. 

 

SO big % drops in a very short amount of time. So far I am ok. I do have eye pain and headaches pretty consistently. I'm still eating/sleeping and the moods are not so bad. I have my moments but they are only moments and I've found a few ways to change them more quickly - standing in cold water works well. I've also found that having something with caffeine helps with the moodiness and tiredness too. I know, I will just have to come off that later but I think a coke/cup of tea a day is ok.

 

I also removed myself from facebook and I have to say it has made a really big difference. I have guesses as to why but I never expected it to be as significant an impact as it has been. I wish I had done it sooner. 

[WinningThrough]

Sorry I missed your birthday, MM. I'm glad that the med drops are helping you. Glad getting off Facebook has helped. Facebook can be difficult.

[mlrp]

Amy  - thank you for saying hello. :-) I read your updates with interest. 

 

Facebook can certainly be a two-edged sword (sometimes worse!). For me, because my "friends" are mostly restricted to a small circle with whom I feel particularly close (though separated by miles), it has most often been a happy place. My psychological issues, however - in particular social anxiety sometimes bordering on agoraphobic, and too-frequent anxiety - have now turned FB into some kind of bellwether by which to gauge how well I am doing. To put it simply, I tend to post only during windows. 

 

For whatever reason, if discontinuing FB feels right for you, I'm glad you made the break. 

 

I can relate to the caffeine connection. For a long time, I'd been completely off caffeine because of the anxiety issues. But in recent months, I'm finding that a cup of black tea in the afternoon (and occasionally one in the morning) gives me a pleasant "lift." I'm no scientist either (ha!) but I understand that the theanine in tea has been found to potentially reduce mental and physical stress, improve cognition, and boost mood and cognitive performance in a synergistic manner with caffeine. (Or so Wikipedia tells me.)

 

Wishing you continued success with your taper. 

[mattinsmom]

Quick check in

Doin' ok. Eye appointment went as expected and everything is set to start on the 2nd. Med drop is still fast but I think I am holding my own. I have a headache today but it is tolerable. I don't think I've had enough water and I am sure that's not helping. Still, doing much better than I expected. 

[Rhiannon]

Good to hear it! You sound pretty good too. Keep us posted!

[mlrp]

Thanks for the report - sending you positive, healing energy ~~~~!

[mattinsmom]

The last couple of days have been a little rough around the edges. I got news I would have rather not received (noone died - they are just disappearing from my life) . I had to go thru a bunch of old possessions - you know, sorting the yours, mine, and ours. There were a lot more of the ours than I had expected. Thing is, with the less medication in my body my memory is increasing. I had a lot of the "I remember that" followed by the let down of "and it will never happen again". It is also sad to see how much love/life/joy is missing. I know that everything changes but trips down memory lane, especially when alone with conflicting feelings, can really sting. Longing and loss. This will pass.  

 

I had another round with insomnia which didn't help matters any. Last night I finally slept a solid 6-1/2 hours. Today feels better, I'm just tired. I always find it odd how tired I am the day after having slept. I think my body starts to remember what sleep is like and then wants more. Silly body Of course I had been plowing thru cookies. Now they are gone and the sugar drop is probably a contributing factor to tired. Maybe I just need more cookies.

 

I am ok. Life is ok. I'm not as happy as I've been but I still have an awful lot to be grateful for.  

[Rhiannon]

I'm glad you're okay. Keep in mind that some of what's hard for you now is probably neuro-emotion (there is a category of painful reminiscence that I call "dystalgia" or "evil nostalgia" that seems to be common in withdrawal, which is why I gave it a name.)

 

Can you hold for a while? You've made a lot of cuts in a short time and they probably haven't all really caught up with you yet, or rather your brain probably hasn't really caught up with them yet. I know you're in a hurry and I understand why and think it's a good idea to go as fast as you can. Just keep in mind that you need to balance and make sure you don't get yourself into deep trouble. Insomnia in particular is a "stop!" sign in my book because without sleep everything goes to **** pretty fast.

 

I know it's tricky, maybe just give it a little longer this time before your next cut...?

[mattinsmom]

Hi Rhi

Thanks for checking in. Luckily the insomnia passed and now I'm on my "tired" days. Pulled 9 hours last night. I feel so guilty sometimes when I get sleep because i know so many people don't. I hear you about slowing the cut. Opting to keep charging ahead. Might be dumb.

 

Today is a shi**y awful and wonderful day. I'm sad, really sad. I lost a friendship with someone very important to me, for very stupid reasons, and it really f-ing hurts. By drawing a line and saying no more I've had to start dividing possessions. Time for certain things to go. I'm taking a waltz down memory lane and am not enjoying the dance. Certainly many, many tears but I kinda like crying. I always feel better after and I always feel like I've cried out some of my past along with whatever I'm crying over in the present. Besides, crying cleans my eyes and my eye doctor wants to see lots of that

 

 

Wonderful part. I said "I hate med cuts" and my oldest said "I hate med cuts too". I asked why and his response was "Because med cuts make you sad and hurt and I don't like it when you are sad and hurt". I know, probably sounds like a weird thing to think is awesome but if I break it down, my man/son told me that he notices and that he cares. He told me that he sees a difference on "med cut" days v regular days which makes me feel hopeful that my life won't always hurt because sometimes it doesn't. He reminded me that the crappy days are temporary, they pass. He honored where I am and validated that this med stuff is not who I am but a symptom that I am experiencing. 

 

Crappy day - you bet. But I still have a smile on my face. 

[Rhiannon]

Aw, that's awesome that your son said that!

 

Hugs to ya, I totally support you even though I worry, I know you're doing what you need to. Just, you know, be okay, okay?

[mlrp]

Amy, what a wise, brave soul you are. You are finding the gifts that are attached (sometimes well hidden!) to all of our painful, learning moments. Thank you for helping me remember that this can be done.

 

Crying (I am learning at 53) is a good, healthy, cleansing process. I've cried buckets in the past but, like you, I think I'm finally starting to cry my own tears (if that makes sense) - especially over my childhood. Neuro-emotion crying sucks, of course. But real tears are good.

 

All of that said, I'm sorry you are having a sorrowful parting of the ways. Easy does it - be gentle with you.

[mattinsmom]

Rhi, I'm doin' okay  I understand.

mlrp, thanks for the support. Breaking up is hard to do (yes, the song is in my head)

 

Today is better. My routine seems to be that days 2-3 are the worst after a cut and then things start to improve and stabilize. It so happens that I see my chiropractor somewhere in the ball park of day 5. My poor therapist hears from me a couple of times a week - for now. I saw her today and she asked if I had been assigned a new psychiatrist yet. Mine is retiring. I guess the new guy is rumored to be extremely anti-medication across the board. not sure if that is a good thing? Don't know that he is where I will end up. Good for me wanting to come off of meds. Not good if he goes by the recommended schedules of the pharm industry. At the moment it doesn't matter. I suppose it doesn't ever really matter (for me) because I will ask my pcp to prescribe if need be. 

 

So, I'm doing ok. I get a little panicky from time to time when I realize that it is only (time) and I have nothing to do. Of course there is plenty to do. My house needs a good cleaning and my lawn could use a visit from the mower but I don't have the energy to tear into those just yet. Surface cleaning is the best that I can do for right now. Noone is complaining. My skin feels a little too tight today too. Its happened my whole life. I've never been able to explain it. 

 

Busy day today. I took my son to a friends, put air in my tire, made arrangements to take my car to the garage on Monday for said tire, saw my therapist, did a few errands, clipped my dogs nails (one too short - I feel awful), picked my son up from friend's house, and now I am sitting on the deck. To be completely honest, I am about to pull the pads out of my bra, the girls need to breathe... there, that is better.

 

Tonight I am having dinner with a friend who is home on leave. I am really looking forward to seeing him. He was a yoga student of mine originally but I've became friends with him and his whole family over the years. He is just a little younger than my oldest and I like to "see" him - to know that he's alright. We always have trouble when we go to dinner. He is a pickier eater than me and we spend a good 30-minutes with the "Where do you want to go?" routine. I should probably start thinking now.

 

I should be pretty tired by tomorrow. Luckily I am sleeping well at night. Tomorrow I have a pre-op physical. I am sure that everything will be just fine. I've put on some weight so I should be back up to what I was at the last time I was there. Fingers crossed on that one. My pcp does not like my weight. I find it so interesting that I struggled so much with weight loss and now that the Wellbutrin is almost gone I'm stablizing and gaining. I completely understand why it is just one of those things that seem more real when you actually see it for yourself. 

 

Time to get ready for dinner.

[mammaP]

Sorry to hear about the break up Amy, you seem to be accepting it and working

Through it well but I can imagine the different emotions falling over each other

While you are going through everything.

 

You are doing so well the difference is amazing from when you first came here.

Proving that people can and do get better while tapering from Ad's!

[Rhiannon]

Hi there, how's it going for you these days? When's the surgery? Have you made any more cuts? Still doing pretty well?

 

Keep us posted...

[mattinsmom]

(Hi Rhi  ) 

 

update:

Drum roll please....... I am officially Wellbutrin free!!!!

 

Along with that came continued improved sleep and an appetite. Now that I am eating regularly the need for Omeprazole has left as well. Go figure.

 

I did so many drops so close together that its hard to remember what w/d has been. I know I had some days of headaches. I know there were a few days of queasy. I know there were a couple moments of "sucks to be me", and a call or two to my therapist but most of that has settled. My sleep routine has shifted. I am finding myself going to bed much later but I am still sleeping a solid 6 hours, waking long enough to pee, and then getting another 1-1/2 to 2 hours. I'm up by 10 at the latest and I don't nap during the day. I do tire-out more easily but stamina will come. It has only been 4-days since the final cut. I had "the" headache on day 2 but that has resolved itself. My muscles ache today but I did a "beginners yoga" workout yesterday. Beginners my ass. I taught yoga, this was far from beginner. But I kept up.

 

I'm watching what I eat, exercising, LISTENING TO MY BODY, and keeping busy. I've been putting more attention and effort into my shamanic work and getting back to things I believe in. I am being very vigilant about what I listen to on the radio. Music is a huge trigger for me in every emotional direction. I'm spending as much time as I can outside. I've visited with friends, see my chiropractor (makes such a huge difference), and I went camping and ended up sleeping in my car. I'm too old to shiver. That camping trip folks on the site have been talking about - I'm so out. Give me 5-stars and room service in the tropics.

 

Today I sat outside whittling a magic wand - why not? I had my feet in the baby pool (bought it for my dog) and the sun on my face. I'm being nice to me and I'm doing well. I'm also letting myself do well. I'm very aware of my thinking. I acknowledge the thought, where/how it feels in my body, decide if it is something that I need to act on, and then either take care of it or let it go. I've done a lot of writing and the break-up seems to be a good thing. Mostly.  

 

I know that this is a window and I am not cocky-enough to think that I am somehow going to escape the crappier days. Meantime, I am rocking this for all its worth. 

 

My 1st surgery is scheduled for Tuesday (2nd). My vision has tanked so much, and so quickly. Its as if once my body knew it was going to be fixed it went ahead a fell apart. I am nervous. I know that everything will go fine, I've had a bazillion operations. Still, they make me nervous and something about it being my eyes just feels a little yuckier. It will be nice to see again.

 

OHH! Best news ever - I have a cardinal that has visited all summer. He comes when I call, and I come when he chirps. Last week (?) he came with a baby. He's a daddy. And, he brought his partner. Now all 3 visit That baby of theirs is a pudgy little one. I'm not sure if it is male or female yet, it is a brown fluff-ball. To be honest, I wouldn't have ever guessed it was a cardinal except its beak is orange and its head feathers tuft.

 

So yes, window, doing well, proof that it does get better. I'm good.  

[Rhiannon]

YAY off Wellbutrin, yay windows, yay cardinals, yay your eyes getting better!

 

You sound great. I know there will be bumpy times, but you're doing the right things, and we'll be here to help you through them, and sooner or later they will pass and be over. Yay!

[mammaP]

That is fantastic Amy, all good stuff and lovely that the cardinals have adopted you.

Well done for trying the camping, I used to love camping and hit the tent at every opportunity

when I was younger and the kids were little. Now all the kids take their kids camping and I 

would love to go again but don't think I would last very long either! 

 

Will be thinking of you Tuesday.  

[mlrp]

Amy - what a blast full of hope you've given me! Way to go, Wellbutrin-free!! Go, Ay-mee! Go, Ay-mee!

 

What a lovely window, too. That's your brain saying "thanks!! for taking good care of me!" I have a Mr. and Mrs. Cardinal who visit in our backyard. I recognize them by their "chirps." They always seem to be almost the first ones up, and the last to go to bed. 

 

We have some things in common - a profound, visceral relationship with music. It's such a trigger for me that I'm pretty much resigned to only being able to listen to classical music these days - and even then, just certain stuff (no screechy, frenetic violin concertos, please!). And then there's stuff that's just plain bad. My husband and I have more than once been driven out of stores or cafes by music that was just too painful to listen to. 

 

And, let's have adjoining suites in that 5-star hotel at the camp site. Nothing beats a perfect turn-down with your bathrobe laid out and mints on the pillow!

 

I'll be thinking of you on Tuesday - wishing you well.

[mattinsmom]

Music-  the grocery store is pure torture for me. I call their track loops "Songs to kill yourself to". I've considered ear plugs but I have to know whats going on around me. I'm learning to tune it out and sometimes I hum. 

 

My morning has been a wicked tired one for me. I fell to sleep last night before 11:00 and woke up at 5:30. Plenty of sleep but I was so tired when I woke, I even had the upset belly that I get from lack of sleep. Then my mind started to wander down the loss/sad path. Hmmm, I wonder if I'd been dreaming before I awakened? Anyway, I know better than to lay in bed when I'm restless and thinking so I went outside and made a little fire. I burned some notes I had written a few days ago - releasing the grief, and then it was time to focus on the fire. Changing channels. There was a pile of twigs and small branches that needed burned.  I watched my birds - and I learned that my cardinal family is  a foursome and not a trio...2 babies!!! No wonder that one baby seemed to always be eating

 

I did a little weeding after the fire went out and then came in to take a shower. Was still queasy and wildly hungry so I grabbed a bowl of cheerios and a banana.Not a big help but It served its purpose and ebbed the hungry

 

After my shower I plopped on my couch I dozed off at 11ish and slept so soundly for 40-minutes. I didn't even hear my son come home.  Feeling much better!!! Still in tired mode but my stomach has settled and my brain feels clearer. I'm just honoring my body today. I'm struggling a little with deciding if I am going to honor its craving for McDonalds  

 

Today is not a bad day. I don't feel that my window has closed at all. I think that my body is healing and sometimes that is tiring work. Its all good. The fact that I can just let tired happen without having to "fix it" is big progress for me. My head is in a good place. I'm patting myself a little on the back right now. And I think McDonalds might win - that I feel a little shame in because it is such crap food but I'm willing to forgive myself this little indulgence. 

[WinningThrough]

Hi Amy! Well done for dropping the Wellbutrin!

 

You are coping so well with everything.

 

Those cardinals sound gorgeous. I just looked them up on google and they are beautiful! I wish we got those over here! They are magical.

 

Take care and sending healing thoughts.

[bubble]

Dear Amy,

 

I'm happy I have finally found the time and space to catch up with the recent developments in your life. And even happier to read of your steady progress despite occasional tough moments. It so nice to read of your joy and appreciation of little things although the family of cardinals is a really big deal But the sun on your face and forgiving indulgence is great.

 

I'm also planning to start yoga for beginners (again) and now it will hurt

 

Will be thinking about you on Tuesady and hope to see you back soon.

 

big hug

[Rhiannon]

Hi Amy, thinking of you! 

[mattinsmom]

Thanks Rhi

 

Super quick update. Things are good. Vision is blurry at the moment. Better earlier in the day. Massive migraines from constant vision changes while healing.

 

Thinking about everyone here. Will be back eventually. Mostly, it's all good.

[Petunia]

Hi Amy, thanks for the update, glad to hear things are mostly good.

[WinningThrough]

Glad to hear you're progressing, Amy.

[bubble]

Dear Amy,

 

I'm very happy the surgery went well. I guess it will take some time for the things to settle but it's a big load of your shoulder now. Take your time helaing.

hugs

[mammaP]

Good to hear from you Amy, take care while you are healing. xx

[mattinsmom]

I am wishing I had more time to sit and write but my eyes still tire quickly. My vision in the eye that has been operated on is better w/o any glasses than my other eye is with glasses! The procedure has been such a success, and excruciating. I tried everything, they were horrible. For awhile I thought my sinuses were infected because my entire head hurt - never my eye tho. I finally made an appointment at my medical group to see the person available (not my primary). I had an appointment later in the same day with eye doc and wanted to rule in/out sinuses before I met with him. Turned out that my sinuses were a little irritated, nothing significant. He offered me Percoset. I said no thank you. I think I might be the first person to ever walk into an office complaining of pain to refuse a narcotic. Call me silly. I just wanted to know if I had an infection. If the pain was only vision related I wanted the eye doc to treat it. They did. They said take migraine medicine (otc). 

 

Now I had taken advil. I had taken tylenol. I had tried caffeine but to no avail. When I stopped at the store for migraine meds I read the ingredients: Ibuprofen, acetaminophen, caffeine. My body totally had it right, just not the right timing. I needed to take them together and not spaced out. Rather than dropping $25 on the "migraine" version I came home, took a tylenol (500mg) + advil (200mg) and drank a coke. !5-minutes later, headache leaving. Yesterday I only needed one round of meds. Today I was able to see my chiropractor and no meds needed for pain. Yay!!!

 

I am actually doing really well. The boys are back at school, both excited about their senior years. So far, so good. My breakup with my friend is full of lessons. Sometimes my heart still breaks and I have my moments of tears but they pass. I also have my moments of proud that I took a step that was right for me. I'm trying really hard to reach out to people I know, go beyond facebook, and make real in-person plans. That has helped too. I'm going slow with that one. Those can sting a little of my lost friend even tho they are good experiences. Listening to my heart on that one. Ebb and flow.

 

I was approached about becoming initiated as an Elder Shaman in the Dagara tradition. I was floored with the honor of even being considered. I will be declining, I don't feel that I have been committed enough to accept such an honor. It will come again in a few years. Nonetheless, what an amazing thing to hear that people have noticed such a change in me that they felt confident nominating me. Makes me scratch my head. I wish I could see me thru the eyes of others sometimes.

 

I bought myself bologna. I haven't had that in forever. I know, cruddy food but sounds nom, nom, nommy. I think it is time for a bedtime snack.

 

I've been reading how some people are suffering right now. I offer prayers to them, cheers to those who are doing well, and gratitude that I am where I am with the supports that I have. Thank you.