☼ Mattinsmom: update

[Meimeiquest]

Aaa ah, I'm sorry. I can't tell you how many med mistakes I've made...partly because I got mine all mixed up with the pill holders, so I don't even know. Once I took a double dose of Wellbutrin....but it did clarify where problems were coming from as the diarrhea stopped and the manic started. I don't know when I started tapering, it might be 2 years in April....just in the past couple of weeks I feel like my brain is starting to return. So keep the faith, it will be worth it.

[mattinsmom]

Thanks Meime

[mattinsmom]

I don't know how much of this is desperation to tell this part of my story or how much is a cry to be heard. I am not ok. I'm way in over my head. I'm scared. Warning this is probably triggering. 

 

In November of 1983 my mom died. I was 15-years old. Then something worse happened.

 

Before my mom died my dad had worked at a carpet store that his dad owned. Family business. One day his mom decided that she did not like her new boss and they fired my dad so that she could work at the store and have his income. We lost our home and moved in with my mom's parents Mammy and Papa. At the time my family consisted of my mom and dad, my younger sister (by 6-years) and my 10-year old dog.  For awhile noone spoke with my dad's parents. time gets sketchy but at some point my dad strangled me until I was unconscious. The last thing I remember is seeing my mom flying up over his back screaming. The reason for the assault was that he tried to beat my sister, she was 8, for making too much noise and I got in between them. My mom had been having severe headaches and I'm quite sure that my dad was stealing drugs from the hospital where he'd gotten a part time job (and eventual 2nd wife). It had been an unusually painful day for my mom and he was either high or hung-over, we could never tell the difference. Anyway, after that Mammy, Papa, and my mom gave him the option of staying in Ohio or moving with all of us, including my sister and I (and my dog) to Florida for a new start. There would be no more drinking/drugging/contact with his family. He was told he had 2-weeks to choose.  Before that 2-weeks past, my mom had a severe cerebral hemorrhage in the back of her brain. She died, that is another story. I will say this much, I had started having dreams about my mom dying years before she died. They started before we moved. It was the same scenario every time. I used to worry that my dreaming it would make it happen. It felt so real every single time. So when my mom did die, and the situation played out exactly as I'd dreamed for so long, I believed it was my fault. Like I said. I was 15 so developmentally the world revolved me. I've side-tracked.

 

After her death the relationship with grandma and grandpa quickly resumed. My dad, sister, dog, and I moved into an apartment very quickly.( I feel it is important to say that my dad and his dad (and their friends) had abused me physically and sexually for as long as I can remember. They also kept me under the influence of alcohol and drugs around the clock). My sister and I started spending every afternoon at grandma's and grandpa's house. My dad now worked in sales and could financially contribute for his mother to baby-sit. Oddly, Mammy and Papa stopped calling. I was told that "I reminded Mammy too much of my mom and that Mammy was in a delicate state...she'd even been given valium for her nervous breakdown and surely I didn't want to make things any worse". I found out many years later that he'd threatened to move away, taking my sister and I, and they'd never see us again if they interfered with his life. The rare phone calls and rarer visits went through him first. My Aunts, Uncles, cousins, and friends (except one) all disappeared too. My mom's entire side of the family was gone. There was a brief Christmas that year but that was all. 

 

I was 15-year old, drinking, drugged, feeling guilty for killing my mom, and feeling abandoned by my family. I got a bit feisty. I started fighting back. I started hitting back. I started giving bruises and not just receiving them. I became a fierce protector of my sister. And for whatever reason I still loved my dad. One night, in February of 1984, my dad was working late and my sister and I were at his parent's house. grandma and I were arguing over something, I think my friend had stopped by, and mid-argument she told my sister (who had turned 9) to go upstairs and take her bath. My baby sister put her hands on her hips and said "No. Not until I know Amy's ok". grandma screamed at her and grandpa lunged across the room. I stepped in the middle, fists raised, and told him to back away. I told my sister to lock herself in the bedroom. She said no and stood right there. 

 

grandpa backed me into a corner (we were in the kitchen) and was screaming at me so forcefully that spit was flying. I told him to move. He placed his hands on my arms, calling me names and saying "What are you going to do about it?" Meanwhile grandma was "calling [my] father". My response was something along the lines of "Please do you f****** bi***". This, of course, fueled my very drunk grandpa even more. He started to shake me and scream "How are you going to stop me from anything you worthless little *****?" 

 

Well, he did ask a question so I answered. I said I was going to hurt him if he didn't let go. He dared me and I kneed him with every bit of hate I could muster. He was on the floor cupping himself and continuing to call me a variety of names when my dad arrived. He took me and my sister home to our apartment. He was too tired to talk about it but said we'd figure something out.

 

A day or two went by with my dad saying he didn't know what to do but things couldn't continue the way they were. He said how we were a family and we had to come to an answer for this situation. I said that I could get my sister from school and take care of the house/dinner/etc while he worked. I'd already been taking care of the house/meals/my sister when he was home anyway. He said he had to figure it all out. The next day was February 13th and I had made him a card, bought a small heart with candy, you know, the kind where you bite 1/2 of all of them to find the few you like. I had also received confirmation of an early birthday present I'd ordered for him. I had taken my last bit of money and ordered him a subscription to Sports Illustrated. It would start on March 1st (his b-day). I was so excited for the next day.

 

Feb 14th came and after my sister went to school my dad said he needed to talk with me. He said that he couldn't go to work worrying that there would be fighting and that someone would get hurt. I was so certain that he was sticking up for me. Instead he'd decided that the best thing to do for the family was for me to leave. He handed me an envelope with some money and a note that read something to the effect of him surrendering all rights and responsibilities of/for me to anyone who would take me in case of emergency. He told me to be out before my sister got home from school and that I could take whatever I could carry (but not my dog). If I made any contact with my sister or told anyone he would turn me over to corrections saying that after my mom's death I went crazy and became a drugged and violent person. He would have me institutionalized. Then he left for work. Happy Valentine's Day. 

 

I didn't call Aunts/Uncles. I hadn't seen them since the funeral in November. I didn't call Mammy and Papa because I hadn't seen them since Christmas and had only talked with Mammy on the phone once or twice. I didn't want to make her "condition" any worse by showing up and reminding her of my mom. I called a boy I knew, one I wasn't supposed to hang out with because he was "white trash". He came for me and on his back he carried my 3-drawer dresser, that my mom had painted and decorated for me, across town. His mom said that I could keep my stuff at their house and I could stay a few days until I worked out something else. I couldn't move in permanently though. His mom didn't want any unexpected babies and worked the overnights. I could be there on days/nights that she was home and I could keep my stuff there for as long as I needed. Here were the "bad" people that I wasn't to associate with because they were "below us" opening their home to me. You might not all know this but I was in Ohio and February in Ohio is very cold. They probably saved my life.

 

So yeah, my dad threw me, his 15-year-old daughter, out of the house on Valentine's Day, because I tried to protect my sister/his daughter from the abuse of his father. I left his Valentine's card, his subscription notification, and the candy I'd bought him on the table. I took his gin and gave the note and money to the woman who took me in.   

 

For awhile I went back to the apartment every day at 2:30 to make sure my sister got home ok. I hid in the bushes. I had also written down her social security number and then memorized it so that I could find her when she was 18. (we were reconnected when she was 11). After a few weeks I had turned to other ways to obtain nightly shelter and didn't make it to see her get home anymore. My drug and alcohol use skyrocketed. I went to school every day because our school had a pool (thus showers), I could bum food, and it was safe to sleep there.

 

A couple months later an Aunt made a comment to a friend of hers about what a shame I had run off to New York with some boy and how hard that must be for my dad, not knowing where I was or if I was ok. Her friend happened worked the lunchroom and told her that I'd been at school every day. I was called to the office and there stood Mammy, Papa, and my aunt. They all thought I'd run away so they never looked for me. On the rare occasion they would run into my dad he would turn on the tears and say how hard it was for him not knowing if his daughter was safe. All that time I thought noone cared enough to even look for me. Happy(ish) ending. I moved back with Mammy and Papa but was so damaged and addicted that I flunked out of drug rehab 3-times and ended on a psych floor. That is where my true introduction to psychiatric medication happened. The alcohol, Benadryl, cough medicine with codeine days were over. It was time for the real stuff. And here I am

 

I lost my whole family, unexpectedly, on that Valentine's day 30-years ago. This year my oldest just turned 21 and is a man. He'll be out with his girlfriend. My youngest is 16 and somewhat has a life of his own. He'll be at his girlfriend's house. My best friend, who I have a very complicated relationship with, has a brand new boyfriend she'll be spending Friday with this year (meaning not me for the first time in oh, a dozen years or so). And my partner, well, she works 1-1/2 hrs away, pulls 12-14 hour days, collapses when she's home, and our relationship isn't so great. Essentially I will be alone, without family, this Valentine's day and I didn't see it coming - just like 30-years ago. And right now, at 4:30 in the morning, I am sitting wide awake in my bed with a painful memory, a mid-life crisis, a broken heart, and several hundred pills of various purposes sitting/staring back at me from the desk across the room.

 

I want to die. I want this all to end, to go away. I think about all the ways I could do it, and I am very sure that I know enough now to be successful. And yet yesterday I went out and bought snow shoes and poles, new long underwear that fit, new gloves, and a new "skiing" jacket because we are supposed to get a foot of snow on Thursday. I'm excited to go shoeing. How can I want to die and be excited about snow shoeing at the same time?

 

And how the hell am I going to get thru Friday?

I hate f-ing holidays. 

I feel invisible and unnecessary.

I think I'm in trouble.

I have therapy in a few hours. 

 

I'm so lost and confused. And hungry. Now I'm flippin hungry.

help

[Altostrata]

for you, mm

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[Rhiannon]

Amy--

 

Thank you for telling us. Thank you for staying alive. Thank you for being excited about snow. Thank you for telling the truth about wanting to die.

 

I'm selfish. I don't want you to die. I need heroes. My life has sucked too (the understatement of forever), and heroes like you help me keep going. It's hard to deal with the cheery happy lucky people (who don't know how lucky they are) talking about their hobbies and their spouses and their new cars and how hard it is to remodel a kitchen. That just makes me hate my life even more. 

 

You inspire me.

 

I want to live in a world with you in it.

 

Will you be my Valentine? 

 

--Rhi

[mattinsmom]

for you, mm

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I don't know what this means?

[mattinsmom]

Amy--

 

Thank you for telling us. Thank you for staying alive. Thank you for being excited about snow. Thank you for telling the truth about wanting to die.

 

I'm selfish. I don't want you to die. I need heroes. My life has sucked too (the understatement of forever), and heroes like you help me keep going. It's hard to deal with the cheery happy lucky people (who don't know how lucky they are) talking about their hobbies and their spouses and their new cars and how hard it is to remodel a kitchen. That just makes me hate my life even more. 

 

You inspire me.

 

I want to live in a world with you in it.

 

Will you be my Valentine? 

 

--Rhi

I'm at a loss for words. Thank you and YES, I will be your Valentine. 

[Altostrata]

A dozen ASCII roses for you! I couldn't fit real ones into my USB port.

[mattinsmom]

Thank you. Really.

[Rhiannon]

 

 

I'm at a loss for words. Thank you and YES, I will be your Valentine. 

 

 

Yay! 

 

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Life is f'd up sometimes

But then there are people like you.

 

:-)

[bubble]

 

you are just amazing!

 

 

Just read your incredible story and Rhi says it all: you are much more real than people who never knew hardship and a bigger hero than false images around us.

 

Thank you for sharing this with us and for all your courage, now and before.

 

You leave us speachless and all I can do is send you a bunch of these roses. I'll be honourd if you accept them

[Petunia]

I'm also speechless Amy, and so sad for all you've been through. I wanted to send a rose too, but couldn't figure out how to do it, so here are some ((hugs)) instead.

[mattinsmom]

Hugs and roses and valentines are all welcomed and graciously accepted. You all truly have no idea how much your responses have meant. I thank you all the most for hearing me and acknowledging my story. I don't feel so invisible anymore.

 

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[Rhiannon]

Happy Valentine's Day to my Valentine!

 

I wish you were here, we could nosh on chocolate and watch stupid movies and hold hands and giggle. 

 

Hugs!

[bubble]

yesssss

[mammaP]

I have just read your story and tears are flowing. I am so glad you didn't swallow those pills

and are still here to tell that story. You truly are a survivor and deserve a medal, or ten!

 And a very special hug for a very special person. 

 

[mattinsmom]

Thank you for the roses, and the valentines, the hugs, and the ears to bend and shoulders to lean on. Oh, and the poetry, pure brilliance. I've made it thru another Feb. 14th and you all have a huge roll in that. There aren't words for the comfort I found in your responses. Thank you isn't enough. 

 

Today was ok. We did get 8+/- inches of snow and have another 2"-4" coming during the day tomorrow. Today I shoveled. Tomorrow I snowshoe. Sunday I shovel. Monday I rest because Tuesday we're getting snow again. Ah, the joys of New England. Seriously, I hate the cold. Loathe it. But I like to snowshoe? 

 

Someone posted on FB that tomorrow is the real holiday - its "1/2-off chocolate" day  I think I'm going to make that my February holiday from now on. 

 

Happy Valentine's Day today.

Happy 1/2-Off Chocolate Day tomorrow. 

[Rhiannon]

YES CHOCOLATE ARRRRH!!!!

says the Chocolate Pirate

 

Also, thanks for helping ME get through The Worst Day Of The Year.

[mattinsmom]

trigger warning

 

You know, for a minute I thought I had it under control. I really did. I truly believed that I was going to be ok for just a little while. Silly me. I thought that I was going to have a breather. I knew it wasn't going to be still/ok forever. I know waves and windows. I thought my window would at least stay cracked a little. Nope. These waves keep get bigger and bigger and I am getting tired of being rolled under the water. They are knocking me over so much that it has spilled into my physical realm of existence too. I took a shitter at the end of the driveway and fell/slid into pseudo-traffic. There were cars coming but I didn't fly into the road, just to the end of my driveway. I'd gone to check my mail, feeling stupid now for forgetting that its a holiday and there wouldn't be any. I don't know what was hurt more, my knees or my ego.

 

Then I managed to crack my head into the freezer door while standing up then into a wall while bending over. wth?.

 

I don't like where I am at. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow morning. I really wonder if its worth the effort. Not sure how I'm going to make it from now until 11:30 tomorrow. I'm out of healthy coping skills/channels. I went snowshoeing earlier (3 miles and had fun). Now I can't move my arms/legs to do any more exercising. Breathing/meditating facilitates crying and hopelessness. Can't concentrate to read. Been working on a document for a couple weeks now and I know better than to pull it out and add that frustration. 

 

I don't sew, paint, make things. I hurt too much to dance. 

 

I'm in the process of making a huge dinner. I started it earlier today when I thought I had a shot at being ok. Then I ran out to get groceries? The store was busy - I hate when my typical shopping day happens the day before predicted snow. Why do they play what I call "songs to kill yourself to" on a continuous loop at the store? I made it thru the "my life is nothing without you" song loop with only one small meltdown. Then the fall/freezer/wall crap happened. Now I have to finish making dinner. I don't want to make dinner. I don't want to eat dinner. I don't want to clean up after dinner. Dinner will not be helpful tonight.   

 

I'm kinda out of channels. I kinda want to shoot the tv. I feel like I am left with old behaviors that I know are dysfunctional but served a purpose (for awhile).I'm thinking things like I could take a few extra lorazapam and sleep until tomorrow but knowing that is so unhealthy. Its right there with going out and tying one on. Of course I'm thinking about doing that too. I could always ask my son to share his pot (cheap shot - I don't like him using). Sex with strangers? Don't really want to if for no other reason than I'm disease-free. I could go for a long drive. Loosely veiled suicide ideation since its dark and I can't see at night...and I've thought of using my car as a means to kill myself. I could hit my head a few more times with better aim and knock myself out until tomorrow. I can hear my razor calling to me. I haven't cut in so long but it did give me a temporary fix back in the day. So many dark ideas swimming in my head. Old, self-destructive junkie Amy is screaming and I just want it all to stop. 

 

What if it was never the meds and I'm just this effed-up? What if this is as good as it gets, a breath of ok followed by days of suck?

 

I'm so broken.

[mattinsmom]

4th time in as many hours I've tried to write and had it disappear. Damn phone.

 

Point I was trying to make was that I found a few more healthy channels than I thought I had and I'm ok. Not great. Not happy. But I will make it to my appointment.

 

Now I am waiting for sleep to help pass A few more

To go by.

[mammaP]

Amy I just love the way you express how you are feeling, I can feel it with you. 

I think you are amazing for going to that store and seeing it through without

running around like a gibbering wreck throwing frozen chickens at moving targets! 

 

 

I'm glad you are feeling calmer and hope that you are still sleeping peacefully 

recharging your batteries for today.  

 

Mamma hugs  x

[Wolfhound]

Matismom

thank you for being

i am reading your posts

everytime crying

my heart goes to you

i simply thank you for everything you express

for being

for breathing

[mattinsmom]

mommaP

running around like a gibbering wreck throwing frozen chickens at moving targets!  I'm just curious - are the targets worth more points if they are moving?

[mattinsmom]

Matismom

thank you for being

i am reading your posts

everytime crying

my heart goes to you

i simply thank you for everything you express

for being

for breathing

I was just reading up on your feed. I have to say, the fact that you can take the time to read about what was happening for me and to offer support shows me that you are way stronger than you think. Thank you for taking the time to think about how I was doing. 

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Hi mm,

 

After reading the history you wrote, I am amazed you are doing as well as you are. I always look forward to updates from you and hope things are smooth today.

[Wolfhound]

I love your posts, it makes me think about you a lot. You must have unbelievable inner strength.

i love the way you write and you express yourself.

greetings from central europe are going across the ocean

[mattinsmom]

Yesterday was a really good day. I was able to get a lot done around the house and I find that when my outer world is on order, my inner world tends to follow suit.It was sunny and noone was home so I got to sing at the top of my lungs, totally off-key, and dance around like a fool. I made myself a real dinner (chicken and broccoli alfredo) even tho I was the only one home for dinner. That's big for me. I loathe cooking and I'm not a fan of eating most of the time. I would have been just as content with a bowl of cereal but pushed to treat myself like I would someone I liked. And I slept well. It was a good day.

 

Today everyone is home but that is ok. Its gloomy/raining out too which kinda sucks but it means I don't have to go clean the dog pen. Gotta find the good, right? I had some really strange dreams last night so I might do some writing to see what comes of it. 

 

Greetings from across the ocean are appreciated

 

And yes, CW, things are smooth today. 

[mattinsmom]

Funniest damn thing

 

I've felt good for close to 2-days now and just caught myself thinking "Hey, maybe its time to do another taper - I've felt pretty good lately". How quickly I forget. 

 

"No, Amy. Just no!". 

[bubble]

i've been in such a bad state lately that I wasn't able to follow up on my favourite people on the forum,one of them being you.

 

Now I'm finally able to read through your posts. I so much enjoyed reading the account of the big dinner making day. Uf, I have so much difficulty achieving what you did on the day you felt like you can't do anything.

 

I know how discouraging it feels when old negative patterns pay us a visit and it's absolutely how you treated them all just like they are:unwelcome visitors,giving each one a cold stare after which they left.

 

Also very familiar: one nice window and feeling dropping a bit off med will go unnoticed. But you've learnt not to trust such feelings which is a recipe for success.

 

Wolfhound also reached out to me in my distress and I came to the same conclusion. I admire her greatly and so very happy this forum brought you, us together.

Some more warm wishes and hugs from across the ocean where we had almost zero snow this winter and my daffodils started blooming already.

 

Big hug,

bubble

[mattinsmom]

I'm a little 'eh today. It isn't anything bad and nothing is wrong. Its overcast out and that always makes me feel chilly. I think I'm having a bit of a let down from yesterday. It was beautiful here. 50* (which is funny because in November 50* is considered bitterly cold) and sunny. I was able to be outside in nature for several hours. Today I'm in. The temps will be returning back to "normal" this week and we'll be back in the 20s. 

 

I am thinking I am more bored than anything else. I think I will scrapbook. The lazy-side of me is whining that it is cumbersome and I think I am just going to do it anyway. If I am going to make changes in my life I have to just change how I do things. Easier said than done. 

 

Time to get off my arse and get busy. 

[Meimeiquest]

It is such a sadness that someone of your talents was buried in meds for so long. But...you go, girl! How are things in the great transition with your friend?

[mattinsmom]

Hi Meime

 

Thank you for asking about my relationship transition. Transition is such a perfect word for it.

 

You know, I was writing this post when I realized that my sentences went from "I" to "she". She thinks, says, does, needs, etc, etc. That is not ok. This is mine so I hit delete and am starting over.

 

How are things in my relationship transition? Some days are better than others. I am trying to find a balance between genuinely wanting her to be happy and honoring my own experience of grief and growth. It is a balance I catch glimpses of but haven't been able to really hold for long yet.  I'm very alone in this transition. Effort to maintain any depth of connection is very one-sided. Hell, everything is one-sided. For me there is a difference between the label of "best friend" and the actual experience of it. Actions matter, not words. There is a saying, "never push a person who loves you to the point they stop caring" and I see that as a real possibility.  

 

There is a big age difference (10-years) between us and I think it is showing. I will put a "she" in here - she is making choices without considering the ripple effect. I don't think she's lived long enough, or has had enough experiences, to understand that its never just one thing that changes. I think its going to come back and bite her in the ass and I know that is how I had to learn that lesson. I know it is not my lesson to teach but I do worry for her.  

 

However, this situation and the way it came about has certainly put me on notice. Tho I was completely focused on myself (my fear, illness, depression...) I wasn't actually considering my wants/needs at all. When the rug was pulled I saw just how dependent and unhealthy I was. I'm discovering who I am and allowing myself to simply be wherever I am at. When I'm hungry, I eat. When I'm tired, I sleep (no, not really on that one).  I'm learning to sit with my emotions, without questioning their validity or severity, and to let them pass on their own. Learning is the key word in that sentence  I'm finding what is important to me, what I like and don't, and who I am. I'm having to reach far beyond my comfort zone because there isn't anyone else there doing everything for me. I'm learning that I have some really good days and some really bad ones. And I am learning that I am so much stronger than I ever thought. 

 

And I hurt.

Often.  

And its ok.

[Meimeiquest]

Yes. If I were you, I would write something very profound. But I'm just me, up in the night

[mattinsmom]

I think I should have listened to that "gut" feeling I had this morning to not eat my yogurt.

I'm feeling pretty sure it was past its prime

 

One way or another I know this too shall pass (pun intended)  

[Rhiannon]

uhoh, about the yogurt...hope things are better now.

 

hi Amy!

 

So glad to hear you had a nice window a few days back. SOOOOO glad to hear you didn't listen to that "time to taper" voice. Mamma Rhi says NO NO too. No tapering for you for a while. No changes.

 

Even in your bad times now, you sound more stable than you did a couple of months ago. I'm delighted. Please keep letting yourself heal. There is a real possibility that you can get off meds completely or at least reduce them to the point that your quality of life and the options for self-care and self-expression will improve more than you can even imagine right now. But given your med history (as I have elaborated on before) this will need to be a multi-year project.

 

I am so happy to see you improving. I try not to get attached initially to people who come to the forum, because so many just won't listen and end up harming themselves further, and there are others that we can't help because their situation is too complicated or unique. But I'm rooting for you, and delighted to see (maybe more than you do at this point) that your CNS is responding to this hold. 

 

This is just the beginning, just the early positive signs. It is far too early to start your taper. But hang in there, you will get there.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

just stopping by to give you a ((hug)). I admire your strength for all you have been through...