☼ Mattinsmom: update

[Meimeiquest]

From the world of alternative medicine: probiotics and digestive enzymes. If you are settled enough to read, Gastrology and Psychology Syndrome Diet (GAPS). Or you can just google GAPS Diet. Did you already read the recent thread on methylation? Just call us All Things Considered . Hope the appointment goes well.

[mattinsmom]

Meime. I will look into those. Thanks for the suggestions

[Rhiannon]

No tears today. I'm exhausted from the emotions of the past couple of days but no worse for the wear. 

 

Saw my therapist today. She rocks. My weight is still 98lbs and while we both know that emotions play a huge part in my eating/metabolism/weight, but not enough to totally account for it. She said she is concerned about some of the extreme emotions, particularly anger (rage) and suicidal thoughts. She questioned that the weight loss might be causing problems with how my meds work. I thought she was going to say that I needed to increase my meds to prevent emotional waves (damn neuro-emotions) but she didn't!!! She asked me to see my physician and have blood work done. That's it. She wants to find out what my levels are (electrolytes, iron, sugar) so that we can figure out ways to address those things w/o increasing/adding meds. Someone in "the field" is advocating that we rule out medical and or try to address medical so that meds can stay put for awhile. No up/no down. Just hold. Yay therapist!

 

I'm seeing my dr in the morning. Its good that I'm going. I want to talk to her about the heart stuff (pounding and I can actually see the beating thru my clothing) just for reassurance. And, coincidentally, I have an earache that I've been trying to ignore. 

 

Well for what it's worth every time I have crashed due to psych med withdrawal I have lost a chunk of my body weight. Each time. And other than during early pregnancy those are the only times in my life when I have not had a better-than-healthy appetite and adequate padding. Since I don't know what your normal is, I don't know what's up with you, but whatever's going on I doubt the withdrawal is helping.  Please continue to hold now and when you do taper, please don't do so as aggressively as you have in the past. Unless there's a true toxicity concern. I worry about you.

[mammaP]

Hope the doctors appointment goes ok today Amy. 

[mattinsmom]

 

No tears today. I'm exhausted from the emotions of the past couple of days but no worse for the wear. 

 

Saw my therapist today. She rocks. My weight is still 98lbs and while we both know that emotions play a huge part in my eating/metabolism/weight, but not enough to totally account for it. She said she is concerned about some of the extreme emotions, particularly anger (rage) and suicidal thoughts. She questioned that the weight loss might be causing problems with how my meds work. I thought she was going to say that I needed to increase my meds to prevent emotional waves (damn neuro-emotions) but she didn't!!! She asked me to see my physician and have blood work done. That's it. She wants to find out what my levels are (electrolytes, iron, sugar) so that we can figure out ways to address those things w/o increasing/adding meds. Someone in "the field" is advocating that we rule out medical and or try to address medical so that meds can stay put for awhile. No up/no down. Just hold. Yay therapist!

 

I'm seeing my dr in the morning. Its good that I'm going. I want to talk to her about the heart stuff (pounding and I can actually see the beating thru my clothing) just for reassurance. And, coincidentally, I have an earache that I've been trying to ignore. 

 

Well for what it's worth every time I have crashed due to psych med withdrawal I have lost a chunk of my body weight. Each time. And other than during early pregnancy those are the only times in my life when I have not had a better-than-healthy appetite and adequate padding. Since I don't know what your normal is, I don't know what's up with you, but whatever's going on I doubt the withdrawal is helping.  Please continue to hold now and when you do taper, please don't do so as aggressively as you have in the past. Unless there's a true toxicity concern. I worry about you.

 

 

Hi Rhi

I dropped weight every time there is a med change in any direction. This one is a bit more substantial and hanging around. I think that emotions are a huge piece for me. My normal should be 125lbs (ish) so I am off. My shamanic elder asked me, quite literally, "What's eating you from the inside out?" I will need to do some thinking and writing on that one.

 

No med changes planned until at least May. I did get vaccinations but otherwise, no tapering. I'm staying put  

Hope the doctors appointment goes ok today Amy. 

 

Dr. Appointment went just fine. She's not thrilled about my weight and is tracking it more closely. I have a physical scheduled in 6-weeks. The blood work that I got back so far is all good. Thyroid is fine, no sugar issues, I'm waiting for iron and something else? I expect those to be fine too.

 

Thank you both for checking in. I'm having a pretty good day here. 

[mattinsmom]

I am so sorry for people having trouble sleeping. I am sure I will be back among the ranks soon enough but I took a 2-hours nap yesterday and slept a little over 8 hours. Don't know how, thankful no matter. 

[mattinsmom]

From the world of alternative medicine: probiotics and digestive enzymes. If you are settled enough to read, Gastrology and Psychology Syndrome Diet (GAPS). Or you can just google GAPS Diet. Did you already read the recent thread on methylation? Just call us All Things Considered . Hope the appointment goes well.

I just took a quick look at the gaps diet and was completely overwhelmed. I'll have to go back and check it out again later.

[Meimeiquest]

This is the catch that drives me crazy....you have to spend hours researching what is wrong and what is needed, and it turns out to be enormously complex and time-consuming and expensive and half your experiments are unsuccessful...but you have no energy and no ability to concentrate and no money.....and you have to maintain the rest of your life at the same time.

[mattinsmom]

I didn't sleep well last night. Very restless and up a lot. Of course I have a day that would have already been stressful without that added. Sometimes I think the universe has a sick sense of humor. 

 

I can do this tho. Its ok that I have a ball in my throat. Its ok that I want to throw up ( because I know I won't). Its ok that I want to cry (already have a little). Its ok that I don't know what to do.  I DO NOT need extra lorazapam to get through this. This is a part of getting healthier, learning to deal with the uncomfortable. Its ok that I don't like that and want to have a tantrum. And by 10:30pm today will have passed and I'll still be standing. I can do this. I can do anything for 9 hours - (except sleep

 

Deep breath, changing the channel to cleaning with the radio on (or off depending on the music the station is playing today). 

[Petunia]

Hi Amy,

I wanted to let you know that I read your thread and admire your strength and sense of humor.  The way you handle life, through this difficult time inspires me.  Your future trip to Peru, sounds so exciting, I wish I was well enough to do something like that....maybe one day.

 

Thank you for posting as often as you do. I hope you get a good night sleep tonight.

Petu.

[Wolfhound]

Hello,

Would you mind my asking about a specific feature you mentionnedin mythreat once. Sui idal feelings, i understand you get them as wr

ell. Have you got something special to cope or just keep repeating its not you?

Wishing you all thebest and thanks a lot.

[mattinsmom]

I've only got a second but wanted you to know that I did see your post. I have some errands to do but will get back to you.

 

You are not alone. Many of us feel/have thoughts during this process.

 

I'll get back in a few hours.

[Wolfhound]

Thank you.

[mattinsmom]

hi

 

Suicidal thoughts have been with me since I was a kid, and, as a teenager, I even went so far as a couple of attempts. I think what I learned from all of that is that whatever the reason was, a week/month/year later that reason was resolved. When I look back over my life there really isn't a place that suicide would have "solved" anything and it sure would have stopped a lot of good. 

 

When I have those thoughts now I am very careful to make sure people know. I remind myself that the feeling/thought that is pushing me into that thinking may in fact be real and justified AND the process of withdrawal is making it so much larger than it truly is. I'm not sure if you've read the thread on neuro-emotions but it really helped me to see where this can be playing out. I usually get really anxious (this is never going to get better/f*** it) when the thoughts start. Something I've learned is that no matter what the feeling/panic is, it will rise until I think I can't manage then it will peak and start to come down. Always. Every time. I will come down and there isn't anything that I have to do but wait. Even if I am hyperventilating I will either slow down or faint and both will leave me breathing just fine. 

 

Sometimes I exercise. Sometimes I stomp my feet and cry that life isn't fair. Sometimes I read. Sometimes I wallow in it but I do keep in the back of my mind that whatever I'm feeling will pass. I also let the emotion come. I scream. I cry. I laugh. I get angry. Letting myself actually feel an emotion and sit through it even when they suck is new for me. Interestingly, I always feel a little better after I do. I've spent so much effort trying to be brave and not cry and then one day (recently) I just lost it. I'm talking fetal position on the floor, hyperventilating, head-full and snot faced, couldn't even make a sound kind of crying. It got big, and then it got bigger, and then I ran out of steam. Things settled, I settled, and I honestly felt better. I didn't expect that and I haven't had to cry over that specific event since. It lost its power that day. 

 

I have children (well, 21 and 16). My mom died when I was a teenager and I know what it is like to grow up/live without a mom. I won't do that to them. I'm 45 and still miss my mom. I don't want them to experience the loss that I did/do. I've gone so far as to keep photo's of them in sight in my car so that when the "just drive off/into" thought happens I see them. 

 

I have a great therapist and that helps.I know that I am very fortunate in this and that many people do not have this luxury.  I come here. I say that I am thinking things I would rather not be thinking. I get support from others who have had those same thoughts. I am reminded of the neuro-emotional piece. The more you're reminded of it the more easily it becomes an automatic consideration in the back of your head. There is also a thread on "changing channels" that you might find helpful.  

 

Oh, and I write (in case you haven't noticed). I will go so far as to start writing with  "this is stupid but...".

 

All of that said, I do not take suicidal thoughts lightly. I don't try to handle them alone. I purposefully don't have weapons in my house. I don't keep alcohol in my house. I use Bic disposable razors (the blades suck). The other basic thing about me is that I lean towards minimal effort side of things. Sometimes it is just the fact that acting on those thoughts would take too much effort is enough to get me through. 

 

But again, I don't ever go it alone. Someone always knows when I'm "thinking".

 

I don't know if that helps answer your question any. Let me know if I missed the boat. You can always ask me anything and I'll listen any time. 

 

You will feel better again. 

[Wolfhound]

Hello and thank you for so openly talking about it.

you know, i have a short psychiatric history and this is a problem, i mean i just fell down from a normal happy life with a loving husband and so on into such a deep misery. I never ever was suicidal or selfharming in my life prior to taking ads for sleep.

so basically i think i am not prepared to handle such an emotional ride and withdrawal hell.

I will think a lot about youf suggestions.

I simply panic snd cry and think the next time i will succumb that i cannot manage. I have always managed so far, but i am scared, you know.

i wish i had a therapist to talk to.i think i wont find anyone reasonnable here and therapists overseas wont work just for nothing with someone via mail.

thank you for taking your timefor such an amazingreply.

[mattinsmom]

You are very welcome. 

 

I'm sorry that you might night find a therapist to work with. 

 

As for thinking that you won't be able to manage - you've been through all that so far and are still here. You do manage, you are managing, and you will continue to manage. 

 

Keep reading posts and threads. Keep breathing. 

 

(and I get scared sometimes too)

[mattinsmom]

Hi Amy,

I wanted to let you know that I read your thread and admire your strength and sense of humor.  The way you handle life, through this difficult time inspires me.  Your future trip to Peru, sounds so exciting, I wish I was well enough to do something like that....maybe one day.

 

Thank you for posting as often as you do. I hope you get a good night sleep tonight.

Petu.

Thank you for reading my thread. 

It is interesting to hear you say that I have strength. That's not something I would say about myself. But, I'm not always nice to me.

I have to keep the humor as often as I can. If I can't find the funny the world gets to big. **** still happens, but finding funny helps.

As for sleep, we all know that game. Maybe tonight. 

[Wolfhound]

You are simply so kind.

i talked to four therapists. Every each of them assumed an underlying condition. One suggested i had trauma, others that i am depressrd from sn unhappy family life. I could go on and on about the thing i neverwsd depressed, i had a nice life and the problem is drugs. Immediately they labelled me borderline disorder because i cannot relate to my feelings. So i am disgusted, you know.

 

ikeep pictures too.

i think about my dad who survived everything possible, nazi occupation of my country, wounded and this will kill him, he will turn 90.

[Rhiannon]

Hello and thank you for so openly talking about it.

you know, i have a short psychiatric history and this is a problem, i mean i just fell down from a normal happy life with a loving husband and so on into such a deep misery. I never ever was suicidal or selfharming in my life prior to taking ads for sleep.

so basically i think i am not prepared to handle such an emotional ride and withdrawal hell.

I will think a lot about youf suggestions.

I simply panic snd cry and think the next time i will succumb that i cannot manage. I have always managed so far, but i am scared, you know.

i wish i had a therapist to talk to.i think i wont find anyone reasonnable here and therapists overseas wont work just for nothing with someone via mail.

thank you for taking your timefor such an amazingreply.

 

There is a strong association between suicidality and ADs. Read Peter Breggin, he has the most information about this because he's been collecting it for a long time. I'd recommend the book Medication Madness.  

 

http://www.breggin.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=43&Itemid=66

 

I have struggled with this myself and made two attempts actually, both times in withdrawal from ADs. I also have a childhood history of severe abuse which probably contributes, but I was never suicidal before taking ADs.  Paxil made me practically obsessed with suicidality. If not for my daughters I would have hurt myself then I think.

 

It's hell, it's awful, my heart goes out to you. 

 

I still have trouble with it on and off but it's much more manageable with a slow taper. I also find that a lot of walking helps, and getting light--I use the therapy lights for seasonal affective disorder when there's not enough natural sunlight.  Exercise is very important.

[mattinsmom]

My today rather sucks and the world is simply too much with me. I want to push away the people that keep hurting me but then I'll just be standing all alone missing them. Besides, I'm the one who really hurts me the most and no matter how far I push, I'm still going to be there. 

 

I wish that I could roll with the punches. Hmmm? I think it is telling that I used punches as the word to describe a lack of expectation. Words are powerful and, in this case, punches feels right. Little Freudian slip happened there.

 

Anyway. I'm just struggling with ever-changing rules. Tell me what is going on, what is or is not ok, and then f-ing stick with it. Is that seriously too much to ask for? Obviously it is because it keeps happening, and I keep letting it happen. Equal blame here but not equal pain and that hurts even more. Maybe that hurts the most. 

 

So I'm having the Life sucks!; Why bother?; Was it easier when I was on more meds and didn't care?; Why am I even trying?, Is it all worth it? kinds of thoughts. I feel angry. I feel bitter. I feel betrayed. I feel vengeful. To be honest tho, I feel disappointed, abandoned, alone, scared, and hurt. Bitter, angry and vengeful sound stronger somehow and right now I guess I'm feeling powerless. 

 

How is it possible that I can be on the phone making arrangements for my son to start driver's ed and feeling so excited and happy for him while wanting to drive into the nearest tree? I know this will pass. It always does. In the meantime it really sucks to be me right now. 

 

Humph!

[mattinsmom]

Absolute Neuro-emotional vent. 

 

My best friend is an asshat. Except that she's not. But she kinda is. I think. Absolutely maybe. 

 

So what the hell. She does something that I determine is insensitive and I get hurt. Then I think of every other thing she has ever done over the 15-years that we've been friends that I can turn into something insensitive. Next I decide insensitive isn't a strong enough word. No. She's  mean and everything she does is mean and I should be angry with her.

 

By this point my bp is starting to go up, my muscles are tightening and she is most definitely an asshat. Of course now I have to do something about it, right? I have to make sure that she knows just how much of an asshat she is and how lucky she is that I am even willing to consider talking to her about it. I mean, I should just tell her to f-off, right?

 

Now I'm righteous. And I'm fuming. And it is all her fault because I am not in a place to accept any responsibility for being a part of this Earth shattering offence that her asshat-ness has committed. Now she needs to learn what it feels like on the receiving end. I want to hurt her (not physically). I want her to feel as bad as I do. I want her to take everything personally. I want her to cry herself to sleep because of being slighted (feels like completely abandoned to die in my head). I want to be mean.

 

But for a second I wonder how much of this is real. Am I really this upset? Do I even remember what I am upset about? So I go back through my tyraide and remind myself what I am mad about. I even manage to raise the bar and become angrier. Bu,t I can't hold it in so I write. I write her a letter. It is the meanest, accusatory letter I can muster. Of course there is also the pleading for understanding and compassion and the "how could you hurt me so much, you said you loved me". That of course is followed by the "here, let me return the knife you left in my back". I tend with the "you must prove your worth to me by (calling, writing, talking, etc randomness)

 

She has received a couple of these letters in the past and I have since agreed that I would not send her the 1st round of any letters that I write anymore. I agreed to hold them for a couple of days to see if I still felt the same at that point. But I have to do something. I am in full-blown mood swing (anyone would think I was crazy) out of control Must.Hurt.Her.Back (again, not physically)  So you know what I do? God's honest truth, I did her laundry. Seriously.

 

My asshat friend had started laundry here the other night and wasn't able to finish it because it got so late. She's planning on coming back to do it. But see, work makes it that we will see each other tonight and I'm taking her her laundry. Clean and neatly folded. She's going to say "Thank you, that was so nice" and, get ready, here comes my mean....I'm going to say "I didn't do it to be nice, I wanted your **** out of my house". Ouch. Sting, That will show her. Right? 

 

But now I am having that little voice in my head asking if maybe I am over-reacting a little. Maybe this is more of a neuro-emotional thing. Maybe I need a snack. Maybe it, coincidentally, is time for my afternoon .25mg of lorazapam. Maybe I had a little inter-dose pissy happening. Maybe I was feeling a little sensitive. Maybe, just maybe, my friend did make an asshat move but maybe, just maybe, it really wasn't that big, Maybe I am experiencing some legitimate uncomfortable emotions that I haven't really learned to process yet. These are possibilities. The fact that I feel calmer now than I have all day suggests that neuro-emotions were probably a factor.

 

And that makes me angry because now I doubt everything I feel. But, I'm out of steam so I don't have the energy to get all neuro-emotional about neuro-emotions.

My friend did kinda make an asshat move. And now "I've shown her" because I wrote here (which she'll never read) and she will get clean laundry tonight. Yay withdrawal - NOT 

 

Double Humph. 

 

 

.  

[mammaP]

I know the feelings Amy, 

 

I keep repeating the mantra This too shall pass"  and telling myself all things are transient.

Tomorrow is another day, a brand new one that will hopefully be better than this one. Just 

get through this one and the next will be on it's heels. Hopefully it will be a better one.

And I've had the driving into a tree urges too, but doing that would probably break my neck

and leave me paralysed and incapable of doing anything at all, stuck in a body that doesn't

work with a brain full of withdrawal nightmares...............Nah, not the tree!

[mammaP]

My last post ^^^^^ was in response to youre earlier post, not the neuro emotional rant! Off to read that one now

[mammaP]

Definitely neuro emotions there! Glad you are feeling a bit calmer now.  Getting it all out by bashing the keys on a keyboard

is quite therapeutic, then hitting the enter key almost euphoric. 

I usually then hit the edit or delete buttons   ! I did it once on facebook, then felt so so embarrassed when I calmed down

and saw how many replies I had, all asking if I was ok and one suggesting I go to hospital  .

 

Vent all you like here, let it out if it helps  .

[mattinsmom]

Definitely neuro emotions there! Glad you are feeling a bit calmer now.  Getting it all out by bashing the keys on a keyboard

is quite therapeutic, then hitting the enter key almost euphoric. 

I usually then hit the edit or delete buttons   ! I did it once on facebook, then felt so so embarrassed when I calmed down

and saw how many replies I had, all asking if I was ok and one suggesting I go to hospital  .

 

Vent all you like here, let it out if it helps  .

...and one suggesting you go to the hospital. Too funny. I'm sure it wasn't at the time but in hindsight it causes a giggle. 

 

I have been known to write e-mails but not put in an address. I have accidentally sent things to the wrong person before. The e-mails just end up in a draft folder. Sometimes I prefer to vent here because I know people will understand. Who else would understand that I don't have the energy to have neuro-emotions over neuro-emotions?

 

I really did do her laundry.

 

For the earlier post, thank you.  

[Petunia]

I have been known to write e-mails but not put in an address..... The e-mails just end up in a draft folder.

 

I've done this too and been so glad when I have later gone back and read what I wrote.

[Wolfhound]

Hello,

thank you i admire your writing and your inner strength. How all of you could be so strong during such hard times, its beyond recognition.

i had a suicidal morning as usual but some hours actually without. Good. But i wad incredibly tired all day.

how about your day? Well it is maybe night where you live....

hugs w.

[mattinsmom]

Hi C

 

It is Jan 31st still here. In 8-1/2 hours it will be the 1st. 

 

This morning was really rough. My sleep was 'eh and I was up way before I wanted to be. I think I can only handle a certain number of "awake" hours in a day. I'm starting to feel a little more settled. Feeling better as the day progresses is fairly typical for me. I should (*should*) have an easier go at things tonight. I'll be home alone and there are shows on tv that I like. Also I will have eaten again and nighttime food is easier on my stomach for some reason. 

 

Weekends are hard for me. I did make plans to work with someone for most of tomorrow. Work/fun. Of course as soon as I hung up the phone I started to think of ways to not go. I've decided I'm just going. I can think of whatever excuse I want but tomorrow morning I am getting up and going. End of story. Sunday on the other hand... will deal with it when it gets here. 

 

 

YOU - yay, you had moments that were not suicidal! It is a start. Any moment counts and eventually they add up. I hear that you are tired, and it does suck to drag your way through a day, but you did it. Its easy to forget the positives. High 5 for your better moments. 

 

Take care

[mattinsmom]

Today I'm sick. Nothing horrid. Head/body aches. Generally feeling crappy but resting is helping.

 

I called my friend. She needed to call me back as she was at the store getting ingredients to make soup. It was a good day for soup and she lives just next to the store.

 

I used to make her soup and drive through bad weather to take her some when she was sick but I didn't think she'd come here. Today is snowing/stay home kind of day and I'm not that sick.

 

She told me that she'd decided last minute to take the ingredients to her boyfriend's to make him soup. He's sick too. It stung that she didn't offer to do that for me. He's not all that sick either.

 

I thought about being hurt that she never even thought to bring me soup. Then I thought " How lucky she is to have had someone in her life (me) to do that for her. It was sincere, not sarcastic.

 

Then I thought. "How blessed am I to have experienced so much care in my life that I had the ability to show her how to give that kind of care". She paid it forward.

 

Like I said. I'm not all that sick. The important thing here is that care was shown to another person and, in a way, I was a part of that.

 

Shortly after, I heard my neighbor snow-blowing my driveway. I'm not that sick but I am sick enough that shoveling heavy wet snow was not something I would have physically been able to do today. Care came to me, just from a different direction.

 

We are all one. Our reach and our blessings exceed our wildest imagination.

[mattinsmom]

My son came home high, again, Same discussion, same lack of any conclusion. Its frustrating. 

 

I cried in the shower. That felt ok. The thoughts that followed were not so great. I honestly contemplated reinstating, hell, even adding, meds so that I wouldn't have to deal with this. I know I don't mean it but sometimes I wonder if it wasn't better before when I just didn't give a damn. 

 

its a humph kind of night. 

[mattinsmom]

God this has been a sh*tty wave. Ready for a window, even a tiny one. Still in a funk and now I'm not sleeping either. Yesterday totally sucked. If something could go wrong, or be more complicated then necessary, it did and was. Sleep, HA! Not happening. I've always wondered why I freak out so much during the night if I can't sleep. I mean, I've had sleep issues forever and it hasn't killed me yet, so why the freak-out? 

 

Tonight is the graduation ceremony for my son's girlfriend. They've gone out for 7 years and she's like a daughter to me. I am so very proud of her. And, I don't want to go. I want to be there, I want to see her get her diploma, I want to cheer, and I don't want to be around people. I've got a titch of agoraphobia creeping back in. Mostly I've got a lot of grumpy hanging around. Being tired doesn't help. And I feel like it is going to take so much effort. I hate this. I felt like this on the higher doses of meds. I don't want to feel like it on the lower doses. Even breathing is an inconvenient use of energy at the moment.

 

I know, windows and waves, but dammit anyhow. I am so ready for this to just be done. I know, long time to get to this point, not going to resolve overnight but right now knowing that isn't helping any. I know it will pass and that doesn't help any either. I want to have a full-blown temper tantrum. Not an option at the moment. And i am so over crying. That can stop any day now. Happy, cry. Sad, cry. Angry, cry. Angry that I'm crying, cry harder. 

 

I read Rhi's bump/comment of the long-past trauma thread and I have a lot of old stuff coming up. Its just flying to the surface all willy-nilly. I'm not really sure where to put it. I can feel something building and I am hoping (praying) I make it thru the night without making any smart-ass comments. I can feel the edge of too many emotions and don't want to take them out on anyone and yet I kinda want to pick a fight. I want to blame someone for all of this. I feel like I'm 15 again. I want to run away, go to a bar and start a fight, or drink/drug myself into oblivion. Maybe all 3. Yes, I think I have some old stuff hanging around. One of these days I'm going to have to face/deal with my past. But not right now. 

 

Instead I will put on some nice clothes and go be proud of someone I love very much. 

 

I need sleep. 

[Rhiannon]

Hi Amy. Just dropped by to say hi. Thanks for the depth of your sharing, good luck tonight with dealing with the thing. Hopefully once you get out you'll find it's better than you thought and it might actually be good for you. (I just say that because that's how it usually works for me.)

[mattinsmom]

Hi Amy. Just dropped by to say hi. Thanks for the depth of your sharing, good luck tonight with dealing with the thing. Hopefully once you get out you'll find it's better than you thought and it might actually be good for you. (I just say that because that's how it usually works for me.)

Thanks Rhi. 

 

Yes, things are better. I had a nice night despite myself. The graduation was long but to see the look on the kids (college) faces was worth every crying baby and screaming kid  I remember those days of trying to convince little ones that they really want to sit still during long/boring events. 

 

My car raised holy hell on the way home. I have no idea what is going on but it was ok. I got home safely and thanked my angels. I figured their wings must have been awfully tired by the time they'd carried me/the car all the way home. 

 

Time for tea, a donut, and the Olympic ceremonies. I've caught my breath. 

[mattinsmom]

Mood swings suck.

 

I had a great day Saturday. I went snowshoeing in the morning and to watch a demo on ice block cutting, like from old days where people bought ice to use for refrigeration. That night I was able to spend some time at a fire twirling performance and actually had a great conversation with the people performing. I enjoyed the company of the young man I was with. I used to teach him yoga/reiki and have become friends with his entire family. He's leaving for boot camp in 8-days. So I had a great time, did all kinds of things I wouldn't normally do, and things were fine.

 

Yesterday I had to deal with money. Never fun but always grateful there is enough. And then I tanked. 

 

I am so sick of my meds. I feel like my life revolves around pills. Time to get up to take my pills, time to run the errands that I have to set reminders for because my brain no longer functions at capacity (because of meds), time to take my pills, time to eat because I took my pills, time to drive to the pharmacy to pick up my pills, time eat so that I can take my pills again. and, time to not sleep even tho I've taken the damn pills. And today, time to not want to get out of bed to take the pills (or ever for that matter), time to cry in the shower because that's just part of the bathing process now (wth?), time to wonder if any of this is worth it, time to blame the pills for my thoughts, etc...

 

I hate this!!!!!!!!  

NOT ok today. 

[mammaP]

Oh Amy I'm so sorry you are having a bad start to today after such a lovely time at the weekend.

Hang on to those memories, they are an indication that things are getting better and will continue

to get better. Hope the day gets better for you.  

[mattinsmom]

Thanks mommaP.

 

I'm feeling very invisible right now. There are a couple of people doing/saying things without even pausing to consider if it might hurt me to hear. Not things I need to hear, not kick in the pants things. These are the reminders of how easily I've been replaced. Of how my opinion doesn't really matter. Even the "good" stuff is sucky. My partner pointed out that it is appreciated that I take care of the house/boys/groceries/budgeting. That part is nice but those are the invisible things in life too. People notice dirt on the floor, not the lack of. People notice when the boys aren't where they need to be, when the favorite snack isn't in the cabinet, or when I say money is tight. Of course I am taking everything personally and to an extreme. Its how I roll  

 

I got sloppy with my meds this weekend and I know that is making everything that more sensitive. I forgot my morning meds (until 2) on Friday, then completely missed my afternoon meds on Saturday because I was out having fun and never heard my alarm. Last night I took an extra .25mg of lorazapam because I didn't look carefully in my hand at what pills had landed in it before I tossed them in my mouth. The 1/4 tabs are so small they just disappear in the shuffle sometimes. And, for whatever reason, I couldn't sleep last night. I was like "Really? Its bad enough that I screwed up and took extra but now its not even making me sleepy?!?!?!".  

 

I have one of the days of the week med boxes but I was messing up on it. I know, sounds weird, but I often found that I had wrong pills in wrong places. Even when I would have someone double check that I had filled it right, by mid-week something would be off. I felt really stupid. It seemed more haphazard so I started using the bottles and putting a weeks dose in a bottle. That way I can count the pills and they aren't all mixed together until I put them in my hand. I don't know. I have a hard time keeping my meds straight. I'm very careful but never trust that I've done it right. 

 

Sorry for ranting. Today is crappy and I wish I had someone to make me a cup of tea and just sit with me and listen. I missed my therapy appointment on Wednesday because of snow. I'm feeling it. This will all pass and I'll bounce. I always do.