Sunnydays0912: scared to taper from Lexapro and Seroquel. Help!

[Petunia]

Hi Sunny, I don't think it would make any difference, making your dose from 20mg caps or 10mg, as long as you mixed it into the same amount of water, there may have been more filler, but it shouldn't have made any difference.

 

I agree with much of what Bubble wrote, and think you would benefit greatly from doing some CBT.  I've noticed, from the way you write, it seems you have difficulties telling the difference between feelings (body sensations) and thoughts.  Feelings and thoughts need to be handled differently, but it seems that you focus on both in the same way and they tend to magnify each other, setting up a kind of snowball effect, rolling down a hill, getting out of control.

 

Feelings, body sensations are real and can be managed with various techniques like breathing exercises, meditation, gentle exercises or just with mindfulness, which means focusing on the sensation, but without thought.  Thoughts are basically not real and should be noticed and let go of.  Actually, CBT is based on looking at thoughts and replacing unhelpful ones with more helpful ones, but I have found that neuro-thoughts are best just dismissed automatically, whatever it is, if its not related to 'right now', just let it go.

 

Thinking about the past and imagining the future are very bad human habits, especially when most of it results in guilt, regret, anxiety and worry. I think its worthwhile learning how to break this habit because then that's another tool we have for overcoming uncomfortable emotions. We cant stop them arising sometimes, but we can prevent ourselves from making them spiral out of control with our thinking habits.

 

When you put your daughter to bed earlier than usual, you felt an uncomfortable emotion.  I can understand that, because I'm also sensitive to change, even very small ones.  But we have a choice about what we do with that feeling (sensation).  It really only needs to be noticed and then let go of.  But it seems like that little burst of anxiety sent you on a long thought journey full of frightening memories and ideas related to lots of other times you experienced changes.  Its not necessary, if you can catch yourself getting caught up in these thought stories, they can be cut off instantly.  I think here on this site its called 'changing the channel'.  Be on the lookout for opportunities for changing the channel.

 

If what you are thinking about and focusing on is making you feel happier, then keep doing it, but when its just magnifying your anxiety, then its really not working in your favor.... so change the channel.  Its really important that you start practicing these techniques because as you taper from Prozac and become medication free, you will need these tools to help you manage the normal emotions of life.

[sunnydays0912]

Hi Petu!

 

Thank you so much for the helpful reply.

 

You're right, after experiencing that anxiety, it set off a lot of anxious thoughts. I guess the way I've always cognitively worked is if there is something wrong, I have to figure out what is causing it so I can fix it. But the thing with the matter of WD is there is nothing to figure out. Just have to accept it's a reaction of WD and the only way to fix it is with time and learning to not let it control me.

 

I am finally starting with a new psychologist next week. I'm hoping she will help me with this. And I really hope she will listen to my belief of what's happened to me with these meds. Realistically I know she will most likely believe what pdocs believe. But maybe I can convince her. Point being, I'm going to be very open about my belief of what is happening. Hopefully she won't try to convince me otherwise.

 

I've been telling my husband about this, and of course he wants to put a label to what is happening. He thinks the reactions I've had in the past have formed a level of PTSD with me. So whenever I feel any way of how I felt before when I was suffering just to be alive, I stress and freak out thinking it's going to happen again. I get where he's coming from, and appreciate him trying to help me understand, but I don't want to give myself another label.

 

Petu, the only thing about the dose difference is I wonder that if there is more filler, couldn't there be a chance the 4mL I take out could hold more filler and less active ingredient? I did call the pharmacist and while she said that is possible, she said it would be such a minuscule difference that there's no way my body would be able to register it. But she also said a 4mg decrease in the first place wouldn't be registered enough to cause effect either. So she obviously doesn't know about withdrawal syndrome.

 

Yesterday I made my usual dose with 2 - 20mg caps. I only bad 4 left so decided to use them instead of the 10mg ones and hoping my pdocs office can send in a change of therapy prescription to override the insurance wait. They won't fill it until the 7th! I don't even have enough 10s to get me through until then, so my pdoc needs to do this no matter what.

 

Anyway, I have felt pretty much back to the state I was in before since taking my usual dose. So I really wonder if that had anything to do with it.

[sunnydays0912]

I had to take my dose from the 10mg caps again today because I officially ran out of the 20's and my doctors office is closed on Fridays! I didn't know this!

 

I made the dose in confidence that I there is any difference, it has to be so so so tiny and not noticeable. The last 2 days I took my remaining 20mg caps and have felt fine. Now an hour after taking 4 - 10mg caps in 40mL water (minus 4mL) I can feel activation going on. I'm having difficulty concentrating, can't relax, can't stay in the moment with anything. I don't have any physical anxiety but I feel like I have bad ADHD like symptoms right now.

 

I really do think the dosing is off with those 10mg caps. But my pdocs office isn't open until Monday!

[sunnydays0912]

Eyelid tic is back. That confirms it, I must be taking in too much Prozac from mixing my dose with the 10mg caps.

[bubble]

Dear Sunny,

 

you made your first cut on what is the maximum dose of Prozac almost a month ago. It might be a good time to make the next 10 % reduction.  I hope this will relieve the symptoms that have reappeared. 

 

I don't think it is connected with suspending 4 10 mgs tablet rather than 2 20 mgs. Try reducing and let us know how it goes.

 

Best,

bubble

[sunnydays0912]

I was thinking about doing that sooner too. But the way my symptoms have reappeared is too coincidental to the different caps. I've used.

 

I honestly believe my CNS is so hypetsensitized to reinstatement ever since I flip flopped my lexapro and celexa. It's like my body was getting used to the less stimulation of celexa (whether that's true or not, but it sure felt like it) and so when I abruptly switched back to lexapro, the reinstatement was far too strong for me and sent me into agitated akathisia depression Hell.

 

Ever since then, any tiny reinstatement of any kid has made a reaction. Well, I think I only attempted it once when I stopped taking Lexapro at 5mg every other day the last week I took it. Every couple days I took a 2.5mg dose to hold off WD, but then I just stopped and the acute WD stepped in harsh. I waited a week, but it was getting so bad so I tried taking just a 1mg dose to see if it would help but at that point it was already too late because instead of helping it actually set off a day or 2 of anxiety. That's when I first realize reinstatement may never be an option for me once the drug is officially out of my system. This, BTW, is what tells my pdoc I have an "underlying Bipolar issue".

 

When I used the 10mg caps the first time, it never even crossed my mind the dose may be different. So when I began to feel anxiety and over react to something so out of the blue like I did with my daughter, only then did I remember I used different caps that day and thought about fillers possibly causing an imbalance.

 

And then again it happened yesterday and muh more obviously! Plus my eyelid tic which had been 99% gone for a good 2 weeks suddenly reappears pretty heavily just hours after taking my dose, and has stayed at that pace since. So I'm curious to see how it may decrease in the next week or so as the half life decreases now that I'm back to using my 20mg caps.

 

I ended up calling the on call doctor and he was actually very understanding to my situation and called inte new prescription. He told me he often stays away from Effexor and Paxil because of their known WD issues, but hasn't seen much issue with Prozac. So while surprised, he didn't discredit my concern and did acknowledge that severe WD syndrome does exist, which was nice to hear.

 

I'm still feeling much the same as yesterday. Hoping it will decrease again as time passes. And plan to do another 10% drop in a few days if I stabilize again.

[Petunia]

Hi Sunny,

I'm happy to hear you managed to get some 20mg caps and can now relax regarding your concerns about it.  I agree with you and Bubble, that its time to make another cut, you are on a very high dose, which is probably not necessary.  I think you will start to feel improvement as you continue to lower your dose.

 

Petu.

[sunnydays0912]

Thanks Petu

 

I was thinking last night about doing my next cut today. I was feeling pretty good and confident. And I realized that ever since I seemed to stabilize after my first cut, I was feeling more like myself and confident in the day time too compared to how I felt at 40mg. So I've really had hope that much of my day time blunting, enattentiveness, etc. is caused by Prozac. And then ever since the suspected small reinstatement with the 10mg caps, that has been back plus a bit of anxiousness and agitation. I was in the shower 2 days ago (after taking the 10mg caps again) reaming from anger over something so small and dumb. But I felt this urge to go off on someone which is not at all usual of me. Now that I've learned how my body works and what is causing symptoms, it felt so obvious to be activation from even a very slight updose.

 

Yesterday afternoon wasn't much better. But the evening, as usual, brought relief. And I was able to focus on things again. I was able to make a list of many things I need to get done soon, could feel the importance of things needing to be done. During the day I'm like this zombie who struggles even to think. And when I do get my attention towards something important, it's gone so fast. And then at night I'm like "why am I not getting these things done during the day??"

 

If I could id just sit around and do nothing. That's my brains automatic response. And the fact it's been so evident the last 2 days makes me think it has to do with a small reinstatement. It just has too. Along wih my eyelid tic returning as well.

 

Anyway, I think I figured out my own question just by writing this all out. I was wondering if maybe cutting my dose again may be too soon with how I've been feeling, but since I think this is the reaction to a tiny reinstatement, maybe the best thing to do is make another 10% cut.

 

Any thoughts?

[Meimeiquest]

Well, I'm not Petu, but my experience is that my brain does all sort of weird things in withdrawal, and it is almost impossible to ALWAYS measure right and take drugs at the exact right time, so you just have to go with it. The "why" of a passing symptom is usually not clear. I would say work your originlal reduction plan unless something obvious happens, and try to not think about the weird stuff. Which is easier said than done

[bubble]

Stabilising doesn't mean that all our symptoms disappear but that they reach a predictable pattern. 

 

We are advising you (with pretty much authority and conviction to go and make another 10 % cut. Too much Prozac can be causing your problems now. 

 

But knowing you, you will probably weigh things on a minute scale for quite some time before you make your decision

[sunnydays0912]

You may be surprised Bubble, but after making that post I made a dose of 32mg and took it lol.

 

I didn't do 10% of my current dose which would be 3.6mg I think. I just rounded it up to 4mg simply because I feel something so small wouldn't harm much at such a high dose still. Especially since the Prozac seems to be too activating for me now, I would like to come down a bit faster at first and then slow it up once I'm lower.

 

I really hate how sensitive I've become. I was feeling pretty good this morning all the way until I took my dose. And again, an hour later and my mind feels like it's changing. Morphing. Causing me to see and feel the world in a weird, distorted, uncomfortable way. Anxiety crept up over thoughts about how this is all too much. And again, my confidence to get through it nearly vanishes.

 

I decided to force myself out of the house and took my kids for a picnic at a park we've only been to once before a while ago. And because of the state I was in, being in the new area gave me unfamiliar anxiety and panic feelings again. Ugh. Thankfully I'm able to function through them and make sure my kids are having a nice time. But inside I had this low-level akathisia going on where I just felt off and scared and like I was going crazy. Thankfully the fact that I'm fully aware of what's going on helps me remain calm and not freak out thinking I'm going crazy. But damn, it felt like I'm going crazy.

 

I'm home now and just relaxing and slowly starting to feel better.

 

Oh, last night I ended up having frequent and vivid dreams! It caused me to wake up feeling a bit distorted and unfamiliar with where I am, which of course ended up causing some anxiety. Woke up with a bit if dread too. But it passed quickly and I felt pretty good until I took my Prozac dose.

 

The only thing different I did yesterday was last night I took my first Vit E 400 to help my brain absorb the fish oils. I wonder if that has anything to do with it?

[Petunia]

You are doing well Sunny, managing to function in spite of your symptoms  .  Like Meimei said, the brain (and nervous system) do all kinds of strange things in withdrawal, you often can't tie it to any particular thing, unless something is obvious, its best not to even try.

 

Here is a short thread about eye twitching, it seems to be a common symptom of withdrawal:

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6170-eye-twitch/

[bubble]

You may be surprised Bubble, but after making that post I made a dose of 32mg and took it lol.

 

I didn't do 10% of my current dose which would be 3.6mg I think. I just rounded it up to 4mg simply because I feel something so small wouldn't harm much at such a high dose still. Especially since the Prozac seems to be too activating for me now, I would like to come down a bit faster at first and then slow it up once I'm lower.

 

I really hate how sensitive I've become. I was feeling pretty good this morning all the way until I took my dose. And again, an hour later and my mind feels like it's changing. Morphing. Causing me to see and feel the world in a weird, distorted, uncomfortable way. Anxiety crept up over thoughts about how this is all too much. And again, my confidence to get through it nearly vanishes.

 

I decided to force myself out of the house and took my kids for a picnic at a park we've only been to once before a while ago. And because of the state I was in, being in the new area gave me unfamiliar anxiety and panic feelings again. Ugh. Thankfully I'm able to function through them and make sure my kids are having a nice time. But inside I had this low-level akathisia going on where I just felt off and scared and like I was going crazy. Thankfully the fact that I'm fully aware of what's going on helps me remain calm and not freak out thinking I'm going crazy. But damn, it felt like I'm going crazy.

 

I'm home now and just relaxing and slowly starting to feel better.

 

Oh, last night I ended up having frequent and vivid dreams! It caused me to wake up feeling a bit distorted and unfamiliar with where I am, which of course ended up causing some anxiety. Woke up with a bit if dread too. But it passed quickly and I felt pretty good until I took my Prozac dose.

 

The only thing different I did yesterday was last night I took my first Vit E 400 to help my brain absorb the fish oils. I wonder if that has anything to do with it?

 

What can I say Sunny, I am surprised but I bet you are too ))) That was one quick decision making process

 

you are doing amazingly well: putting all the withdrawal induced stuff aside and getting on with the show.

 

What could help you a bit more is to focus on things you can do and are doing and giving yourself credit for that. Try to disregard negative sides: this is withdrawal, this will pass. because it really is and it will.

 

how is eye twitching?

[sunnydays0912]

You are doing well Sunny, managing to function in spite of your symptoms . Like Meimei said, the brain (and nervous system) do all kinds of strange things in withdrawal, you often can't tie it to any particular thing, unless something is obvious, its best not to even try.

 

Here is a short thread about eye twitching, it seems to be a common symptom of withdrawal:

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6170-eye-twitch/

Thanks Petu! I know that for the most part weird stuff is going to happen that can't be explained except "it's WD, it will pass". But I guess I'm trying to listen to my body as much as possible lol.

[sunnydays0912]

 

 

You may be surprised Bubble, but after making that post I made a dose of 32mg and took it lol.

 

I didn't do 10% of my current dose which would be 3.6mg I think. I just rounded it up to 4mg simply because I feel something so small wouldn't harm much at such a high dose still. Especially since the Prozac seems to be too activating for me now, I would like to come down a bit faster at first and then slow it up once I'm lower.

 

I really hate how sensitive I've become. I was feeling pretty good this morning all the way until I took my dose. And again, an hour later and my mind feels like it's changing. Morphing. Causing me to see and feel the world in a weird, distorted, uncomfortable way. Anxiety crept up over thoughts about how this is all too much. And again, my confidence to get through it nearly vanishes.

 

I decided to force myself out of the house and took my kids for a picnic at a park we've only been to once before a while ago. And because of the state I was in, being in the new area gave me unfamiliar anxiety and panic feelings again. Ugh. Thankfully I'm able to function through them and make sure my kids are having a nice time. But inside I had this low-level akathisia going on where I just felt off and scared and like I was going crazy. Thankfully the fact that I'm fully aware of what's going on helps me remain calm and not freak out thinking I'm going crazy. But damn, it felt like I'm going crazy.

 

I'm home now and just relaxing and slowly starting to feel better.

 

Oh, last night I ended up having frequent and vivid dreams! It caused me to wake up feeling a bit distorted and unfamiliar with where I am, which of course ended up causing some anxiety. Woke up with a bit if dread too. But it passed quickly and I felt pretty good until I took my Prozac dose.

 

The only thing different I did yesterday was last night I took my first Vit E 400 to help my brain absorb the fish oils. I wonder if that has anything to do with it?

What can I say Sunny, I am surprised but I bet you are too ))) That was one quick decision making process

 

you are doing amazingly well: putting all the withdrawal induced stuff aside and getting on with the show.

 

What could help you a bit more is to focus on things you can do and are doing and giving yourself credit for that. Try to disregard negative sides: this is withdrawal, this will pass. because it really is and it will.

 

how is eye twitching?

I feel like once I'm below 30mg, I'll reach a milestone and feel awesome. So really using that to motivate me! But the fact that I can be motivated at all is already a huge improvement from where I was for so long lol.

 

I'm getting better at pushing my fears to the side and pushing forward. Educating myself so much more has helped. But I swear either it's WD or adverse affect where I have moments where my thinking totally changes. And I'm so glad I still have such a strong hold of my logical thinking during that and it's getting stronger so I can tell myself it will pass despite how convincing and real it feels. It makes me angry because this is what happened when I first started Lexapro in 2009 and I had suicidal urges. I would lose control of my thoughts and would feel scary convincing thoughts and feelings that life was meaningless and I didn't want to live anymore. I was barely holding onto my logical thinking just enough to practically yell at myself it wasn't me thinking this, this wasn't at all who I really am. Now why didn't I not listen to my pdoc and get off it then...idk. But I read about people who start these meds and they totally lose control of there thinking and become actively suicidal. Its so sad...and the worst part is no one seems to think "hmmm maybe it's the mind altering medication we just put them on? Nah let's up the dose" ughhhh!! So angry!

 

Totally off topic, I was added back to one of those PPD groups on Facebook I left a while back by a friend. And I've de-patient-ed myself so much that I'm no longer influenced by their posts of mental illness that I feel compelled to relate. Instead I feel bad that they are being so mislead. And I've even been able to help some of them who are having trouble either getting on a new medication with explaining how adverse effects work (not let them assume it's normal and ok to have these effects) and also those who are trying to get off them and wondering why they are having such a hard time! I've been able to open up many of their eyes to these drugs and especially WD. One girl I helped prevent her from listening to her proc who told him she's been off Prozac for 3 weeks and having agitation and a very short temper which has never been a issue for we before and he told her that her depressing was relapsing and becoming agitated depression so he wanted to throw her back on her 20mg dose plus add Xanax :| so I told her it was WD, to reinstate a small amount and see if it helps. And if it does, taper slower. Gave her the links to tapering on this site and she was SO appreciative and amazed that this wasn't even a possibility to her doctor, but she had a feeling it was from WD.

 

So yeah. It's empowering to help

[sunnydays0912]

Ok so it's day 3 of the new 32mg dose. I expected to feel pretty ok for a few days still because of the half life being so long, but today a couple thins have began that I'm thinking are already attributed to WD.

 

The only thing I can think of is it's some kind of neuro-reactions. First of all, I woke up this morning and learned that an acquaintance I know over Facebook was letting everyone know that one of her closest friends 3 year old little boy died last Friday by a tragic accident. I at first reacted normally to it, feeli very sorry for the family. But then as the morning went on, I began to feel really bad about it. Like, beyond the normal expectation to feel bad for total strangers losing a little one so suddenly.

 

I of course hurt from imagining how horrible that would be...but now it's like, broadening out to how unfair it is. And how it's so scary having kids because of all the bad things that can happen to them. And it hit me the hardest when I was cuddling my daughter a little while ago and the possibility of something happening to her began to scare me pretty harshly. I quickly decided to let it go, it must be something involved with WD, maybe neuro-emotion or neuro-overreaction since I'm slowly losing the blunting effect?

 

It's a horrible feeling though, and I actually remember now feeling this when I experienced PPD and PPA in 2009 right after having my son. The hospital made me watch this baby shaking video in order to make new moms aware that shaking your baby can be deadly. And it just set off my anxiety so bad thinking someone could do that to my baby which just opened the doors of anxious thoughts about all the bad things that could happen to him. It was out of hand. I couldn't just relax and trust that I could handle it and protect him.

 

Now, this makes me want to think it's my underlyingrg anxiety coming back. But I'm fighting that thought. I'm telling myself that I was very vulnerable, fatigued, hormonal, and rightfully scared. So it wasn't a disorder forming, it was situational worry. And this is just neuro-emotions causing similar feelings to arise.

 

The second thing I noticed is when I was at my neighbors house. Her little dog had something needing to be done to her that's very obscure and gross (I'll spare you the details) but I decided to help cause usually I can handle things like that pretty well.

 

Well, that wasn't the case. Once I began doing it, I began to feel nauseated. And I am not someone who deals with nausea ever. I never even had morning sickness with my pregnancies. I've always had a strong stomach. So this was very new and weird for me! It wasn't at all caused by thoughts of it being gross either. Cognitively I was handling it fine, but my stomach began to ache and throat began to swell as if getting ready to vomit! And I'm like, what the?? Once I began to feel my face feel ill as well, I knew I had to stop. I couldn't take it anymore.

 

So that on top of the obsessing over all the tragic things that can occur to my kids in this world was just too much and I needed a moment to really think it through before I let myself spiral into a panic attack of some sort. The feelings of "something is wrong with me, this isn't normal, I'm not normal, I need help" were relentless and I forced myself to think "no it's WD, it has to be, I'll be ok" and the realization that maybe these were neuro-reactions came to mind.

 

So I'm hoping someone can relate to this? I know there was a few posts recently about how there are many weird, hard to explain symptoms of WD and it's best to just connect them to WD and let it go. But when it makes such a drastic change to my inner being it's hard to just push it aside. I hope I get better at this if that is the case.

[Meimeiquest]

I'm like that apart from WD . Sunny, one thing to remember is that even your post-partum experience didn't HAVE to be that way, but you didn't have anyone to process it with you in a you're gonna be ok kind of way. As Petu wrote to someone, and this is so important for me too, we have to recognize our thoughts as thoughts and our feelings as feelings. Nausea is a feeling, my baby could die is a thought. A not-too close friend died when I was in the thick of my AD taper, and I had a horrible time with it. I think it is really normal for you to have those types of thoughts, and you can choose to explore them or chase them...neither is right or wrong.

[sunnydays0912]

I don't want to explore them. I want them to pass and leave me alone. They don't at all start as thoughts. At least I don't think so. I saw a picture of the little boy and I became very uncomfortable. It's like it starts as a feeling and then I find thoughts to make sense of it, but the thoughts don't help at all. So I guess what I need to do is try to work through the feeling without looking for thoughts to make sense of it. I should just let it be and hope it passes. It's hard though because it's the normal brain process to reason with feelings.

[sunnydays0912]

TMI warning!

 

Now I'm feeling quite emotional. Over everything and nothing. I'm REALLY hoping this is related to my monthly cycle. I remember the day before my period came last month, I had a really bad day. I felt like I was a crazy emotional monster. But then the next day my period came and it was SUCH a relief to think it wasn't WD or craziness, it was just me being a normal hormonal woman lol! This is all so new to me because I've only recently began having a menstrual cycle again a few months ago because of nursing my daughter so long and using BC. But I stopped it a few months ago in case the hormones were further messing

With my body. But all that did was make me a normal crazy woman once a month again lol.

 

But yeah, if everything I've been dealing with today is actually related to that? Oh please...please please please. I'm getting so emotional that even seeing the color red is triggering extreme sadness in me just because that little boy who died had gorgeous red hair .

[sunnydays0912]

I really can't stand withdrawal. I know, major breaking news. But I'm already so over this!!

 

So far, this time around, my main symptom is just depression. No, not even depression. I still am able to do things and enjoy them even. But I also feel this inner discomfort. Inner sadness. I feel like my mind is trying to disconnect from my personality. Like everything I know and love, the feelings from that feel like they're being pulled away from me. Any comfort I feel from my life and just being who I am and the homey feelings are struggling so hard to stay intact. And when they really escape me, I get this strong intrusive thought and feeling of "I can't do this anymore". And I don't even know what "this" is. It's just a general feeling. And no real life element is causing it. It's just like my brain is struggling to function period and wants to just shut down totally.

 

I don't think it's suicidal ideation at all. It's just a inability to function. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally. Maybe it's literally my brain struggling with the half life constantly lowering from Prozac and it's just struggling to process normally without the full dose it's used to.

 

But aside from what's causing it which I know only time will tell, I just hate it. If I didn't know about WD Syndrome, I'm sure I'd think I'm relapsing or going crazy. But at least now I'm confident enough to really give myself a chance to get through this and see the me on the other side instead of giving in and accepting it's a mental illness.

 

I really hope this passes soon.

 

Edited to add, I think what's going on mainly is Derealization. That's what I was trying to explain with everything that feels familiar and comfortable feels distant and uncomfortable. Please let this pass soon!

[sunnydays0912]

So again, sorry for the tmi. But figure not many members read my thread anymore and it's been a good place to document all my symptoms and progression, so still want to keep that going.

 

2 days ago on Sunday, it was Mothers Day here in the US. It was such a great day. My husband really went out if his way to make it special for me and we had a lot of fun.

 

However, I was also feeling the worst yet since my last drop. I was having major low mood, could hardly enjoy anything despite how perfect of a day it was, moments where I felt like life was meaningless. Despite being all happy and cheery on the outside and trying my hardest to really enjoy the day, I was aching on the inside and trying not to think about it.

 

I was thinking something was just wrong. My mind was escaping from it's controlled "it's WD" hold to "I think I may actually be bipolar" and preparing myself for acceptance that I had the illness.

 

Then the next day comes, and as usual I'm ok in the morning. But when I usually expect the wave to come on, it didn't. I ended up having a pretty good day, mood wise. My thinking was clearer, I wasn't depressed or unmotivated or anything I had felt the day before. I was confused but happy about the window!

 

Then later in the afternoon I notice my period had started...and then it clicks. Despite knowing it was due soon and hoping it was PMS causing more of my symptoms than anything, I totally forgot that was a possibility in the last few days. I thought this was too bad to just be PMS. But it's way too coincidental that the days right before it comes are the worst and then the day it comes I feel so much better!

 

So I'm trying to figure out how to consider this into this process. Like I said before, I'm still adjusting to my body going through monthly menses since it's only now coming back after almost 3 years since I got pregnant with my daughter and BC after having her for over a year. So I still don't know what to expect of my usual symptoms and how it effects me.

 

But this is now the 2nd months in a row where I've felt horrible the week before my period and then much better the day it comes. Is what I'm experiencing even linked to WD or just bad timing with my monthly cycle? Granted I've never had pms so severe in my life.

 

But I know I think I need to time my cuts better. I made a cut only a weekish before my period was due. Not the best idea.

 

Also, eyelid tic has been 100% recovered for awhile now!! I think a few days after my last cut is when it went away, indicating again it was the too high dose causing it.

 

Would like to make it know that since my period came, I've officially felt the best I've felt in the last 6 months!!

[bubble]

Sunny, I was thinking of going to your thread today and asking you how you are  

 

Assumed no news was good news and so it is!

 

Yes, period makes things worse for me but it's easier when I know it's doing it so I just ignore it.

 

And, yes: Also, eyelid tic has been 100% recovered for awhile now!! I think a few days after my last cut is when it went away, indicating again it was the too high dose causing it.  )))

 

(and the post is a lot shorter which means more living and less symptoms

 

it would be good to update your signature with the last cut....

 

I see also the old and new way of thinking are fighting for your attention which is normal and it seems the new way will prevail. 

 

all in all, happy to read all this

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

 

But figure not many members read my thread anymore

 

I still read every new post every day. I'm sure there are a lot of others who do too. I can see that you are able to become calmer and lift your head up and look around. Progress for sure.

[Addax]

Would like to make it know that since my period came, I've officially felt the best I've felt in the last 6 months!!

Yay!

 

(I'm one of the "others" cymbaltawithdrawal was talking about )

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

 

(I'm one of the "others" cymbaltawithdrawal was talking about )

 

Gotcha! I knew that was you behind the 'Guest' moniker.....

[bubble]

and there are even those of us who will knock at your door

 

I like  what CW said. Especially the part of lifting your head up and looking around

 

I'm still waiting for the day when I'll see Sunny posting to one of fellow suferers I find it so helpful to get out of my own head and reach out to the others....

 

 

 

But figure not many members read my thread anymore

 

I still read every new post every day. I'm sure there are a lot of others who do too. I can see that you are able to become calmer and lift your head up and look around. Progress for sure.

 

[sunnydays0912]

Thanks everyone means a lot to know I'm still receiving support

 

I've been feeling pretty good since my last post, except I took my dose about 12 hours late, meaning I went a day and a half without my dose. So I took it as soon as I remembered and now I'm feeling like crap! I'm feeling jittery, nauseous, confused, very very BLAH!!

 

I thought since prozacs half life is so long, it shouldn't be a problem to take it late?? This is not at all WD because I've felt fine up until I took it and a couple hours later this. So it's obviously a adverse reaction? But if no Prozac has left my system, why is it even registering a new dose?

 

I'm so confused. But all I know is I do feel ill and want to go lay down in bed te rest of the day. Totally feels like a flu is coming on or something.

[sunnydays0912]

I don't even know what to think right now...it's been a very bad day!

 

Yesterday I made a big mistake. It started out as an accident, but I didn't stop when I realized what I had done. I don't want to go into detail, but it has nothing to do with infidelity or anything.

 

Once it was done, I didn't think anything of it and thought it wasn't that big of a deal. But then as the night went on, my guilty conscious kicked in and I started to feel really bad. I knew what I did wasn't THAT bad, but it made me nervous and just wasn't happy with myself. I ended up waking up this morning feeling the same way. I felt horrible. I couldn't get passed it, so I ended up telling my husband. It felt good to "come clean" and he understood and helped me figure out how to right it.

 

I did. I thought righting my wrong would help. And it did, but I still feel awful for it. And I have this lingering anxiety I can't shake. My car also broke down and my husband is in a bad mood because of that, so I'm trying to chalk it all up to this just being a bad day. But I'm afraid tomorrow will come and it will only be worse. As if I set off a wave with what I did.

 

I'm thinking about getting my hormone levels tested. I wonder if they may play a big part in all this. It's so hard to figure out what's causing my symptoms when my hormones are currently trying to regulate while also tapering Prozac. So maybe when I see my pdoc Tuesday he will do that for me.

 

I just can't get over how badly I felt the days before my period came, and then how much lighter and happier I felt the day it came and then the remainder of the week! Then I forgot to take my dose for 12 hours, take it, feel sick and dizzy as a dog (which is the reason I made the mistake yesterday in the first place), then feel horrible from guilt which causes anxiety this morning and even now after I already fixed the problem.

 

I'm so sick and tired of my minds instability!!

[Addax]

I don't know what you did, but good for you for righting a wrong. You faced whatever you did despite all the guilt and emotions. That's hard to do! A lot of people would get overwhelmed by their guilt and be unable or unwilling to face what they did. You went beyond that and corrected it... Whatever it was.

 

How did the next day go? You wrote that you'd been worried you had set off a wave...

 

TMI warning: My PMS can throw me off a great deal. It hadn't always. Looking back it really began throwing me off when I started this current taper last summer. I have no idea if it's related. I would get so very tired for about a day and a half. For one of the days I would just want to sleep and didn't feel any particular interest in doing anything. To be honest a few times I didn't know if I was tired or depressed. Maybe both? It's gotten much better in the last three months. Again, no idea if it has anything to do with tapering Prozac.

[sunnydays0912]

Hi everyone!

 

Addax, it didn't set off a wave. I've actually been pretty okay. I just seem to be touchier about things. Like I felt extreme guilt and paranoia about what happened (I accidentally shop lifted, didn't realize it until after going home, and began to feel extremely guilty and paranoid. So I went back to pay for it).

 

I got over it and moved on. And since then things have been busy around here so I've been thankfully preoccupied by a lot so I haven't had much time to obsess and worry about every little thing. It's been a tolerable and pretty okay couple weeks!

 

I also dropped my dose down to 30mg about a week ago. I was at 32mg (I know I need to update my sig) and decided to cut out the last 2mg to even it out to 30mg! And I've done well with the cut. The only real issue I'm having is I'm sensitive to sad things. If I hear about bad news happening anywhere in the world, I'm pretty strongly hit with negative emotions. Instead of just think "aw that's too bad" and moving on, it dampens my whole mood. It's like I've lost my confidence in the world. Just a general feeling that the sad in the world is stronger than the happiness.

 

But it passes. And then I feel like everything will be alright and I'll be alright and I'm happy. These windows coming more often give me great hope which I need when I don't feel so great.

 

Today is harder than recent days. But I'm just trying to move through it and let it pass.

 

Oh, my eyelid tic has been back again :/ not strong or frequent, but there.

[sunnydays0912]

So along with today not being a very good day, I've also been extremely tired! After running a couple errands this morning I came home and just passed out in my at with my daughter who took a nap too. I didn't even want to sleep, but my body was so tired I had no choice. And then of course something wakes me up and I'm feeling panicked and pretty really uncomfortable, sad.

 

I'm really hoping this is just an off day. I know one bad day doesn't indicate anything. Even as I type I'm dozing off ugh this is a weird day!!

[Addax]

Very glad it didn't set off a wave and that the windows are coming more often! I can't help but think that the sensitivity to sad things might be just adjusting to not having as much Prozac in your system. Prozac has sort have acted as a dam for our emotions. In a way it has been regulating our emotions for us. It blunted mine significantly to where I wasn't able to cry. As my dose got lower I was finally able to cry, but for awhile it felt like it happened too easily, or I was "too" sad. To be honest I wasn't sure if I was overly sensitive or if I just wasn't used to feeling sad so it felt like it was over the top when in fact it wasn't... I hope that makes sense. Anyway, it's like relearning to regulate our emotions after the drug had been doing it for us. That's my hypothesis anyway.

[mammaP]

I'm so happy that you have had some improvement Sunny. Don't worry about being so tired, your 

nervous system is healing and sleep is good. If you can take a nap with your daughter then do that.

You are on the way up, there will be days when you feel like you've taken a step backwards but that

is just the way it goes, there will be many more windows and you have no idea how pleased I am that

you've experienced windows now and know that this is getting better. 

[sunnydays0912]

Addax, that makes a lot of sense!

 

Because of my relatively short time on AD's (I know 5 years isn't short, but compared to 20-25...) I still can remember a lot of how I felt pre-med. and this is not it. Growing up, I was quite the optimistic person with lots of hopes and dreams and excitement for the future. I never viewed the world as a bad place. I was never overly emotional and saddened by seeing others going through hard times. I was able to appreciate what they were going through is very difficult, wish there was something I could do, but then be able to move on and still have a positive attitude and feeling like life is absolutely worth living even in the most disastrous situations. I always had that hope for tomorrow and believed everything would be ok.

 

It was not until I had a baby at 22 that I first felt the ambush of sadness and oversensitivity to others hard times. Before that, it was always a feeling of sadness but strong hope that they will get through it and it's totally worth the struggle. Then I had a baby, my hormones went crazy, and I was so sensitive to others pain and suffering that I couldn't stomach it often.

 

I remember the first time it hit hard was when my son was 1.5 weeks old. I was not on any medications yet. I was just extremely sleep deprived and more tired than I'd ever been in my life. And I was at my friends house and we were watching the tv show "Intervention" which is a documentary series following people struggling with severe drug and alcohol addiction and their families conducting an intervention. I used to love that show. It was entertaining to me, and also I enjoyed watching the people beating their addictions (usually) and becoming better versions of themselves again. I loved it.

 

So I began watching an episode with my friend, thinking I'd watch it like any other day. But as soon as I started seeing the 2 addicts back stories and watching them act out in violent ways, my mind immediately felt intense sadness, fear, shock of negative emotion and inability to cope with the fact that ths kind of pain and suffering is out there. For whatever reason I'd connect to them way too intensely and I couldn't even stomach it! I told my friend I couldn't watch this. I had to go. She was confused. I told her "I don't know, i just can't watch people suffering like that. My stomach is in knots. I have to go". And I left.

 

When I got home I called my mom in tears. I didn't understand what was happening to me! Why was I all of a sudden unable to cope with the scary, bad, violent things in the world? Why did I feel the world was such a horrible place full of horrible people? I always knew there was bad out there, but I never let it ruin my optimism and confidence that life is good if you let it be.

 

Today I'm sure the main culprit of that episode was severe sleep deprivation and hormones. But no one told me. It was less than a week later that I was diagnosed PPD, chemical imbalance and prescribed Paxil. So it sucks and is scary to think the only time I had after having a baby and before going on meds was like that because it's stuck with me for years. That if I ever get off my medication, I will fall back into that darkness. Because that's where I left off, and that's how birthing a child "changed" my brain chemistry. Trying to come off it at the speed my psychiatrist recommended a year and a half later and I quickly did fall back into that darkness...well that only confirmed it for me. I was forever damaged and needed meds in irder to live a normal life. That has been my understanding for the last 4.5 years before finally being forced to realize the truth.

 

And despite going slower with my taper, I'm still experiencing waves of that sensitivity to sadness in the world. It's just much less intense. But I can't help but still question if it really is my brain struggling to function properly without the meds naturally instead of being caused by WD.

 

All I know is I don't like it. I like the positive me. The good mom who wants nothing but the best for her family. Who is confident she can protect her kids and keep them safe from the bad in the world so they can live long, healthy, fruitful lives. The real me is a mom who's true happiness comes from her children's happiness. And I'm fighting so hard to fix my brain after that total nervous system breakdown I caused on myself with the flip flopping drugs. I know that's the culprit here and I know my brain is healing. But it still kills me every day to know I'm missing out on the full feelings of happiness and content I get just from my kids being in my life. My thoughts know this, but my feelings and emotions are barely responding. But I'm getting better. I'm so much farther than I was just a few months ago.

 

That being said, if you can't tell, I've hit a wave. Though it's time appropriate for when I made my last cut from 32mg to 30mg. I think it was just about 2 weeks ago now and in the last couple days I've been feeling the effects. Thinking has slowed, strong demotivation, confusion with common sense, almost no patience. And the DR/DP is hitting pretty hard too. I keep questioning why things happen the way they happen instead of just living life. I'm assuming it's because my brain is reteaching itself how to make these connections on it's own. But gah, it interrupts my life quite often. I also hate the general feeling like I'm living in a memory. I miss so badly the feeling of being totally focused and in the moment with everything.

 

Also, I've been meaning to look more into hormones causing depression like symptoms. Because again, last week I know I ovulated. And then a day or 2 after I started feeling like crap again. I don't necessarily think I have some sort of hormonal imbalance, though who knows, but I just wonder if my body is sensitive to the hormonal changes since it's caused my nervous system to go haywire before even when totally stable and otherwise functioning normally on my meds. So I'm just keeping an eye on my symptom progression as I lead up to my period coming again and curious to see if the day it comes I again feel so much better. It's really interesting.

[bubble]

And Sunny, who ever said that feeling compassion for people who are suffering is bad, that being in touch with one's own emotions is a disorder, that feelings are bad if they make us feel uncomfortable? 

 

Nature has winter and summer (with spring and fall in between) and why would we be composed only of positive sides and live in perpetual summer? Isn't being positive at all times more unnatural than being sad and doubtful about things sometimes? Aren't these feelings the reason why human species survived and keeps surviving? One of the biggest things that we in withdrawal are going through is accepting our less positive sides, rejecting "I don't like this, I want something else, I want to be more perfect. etc." We accept that being less perfect is far more tolerable and desirable than enduring the suffering caused by attempts to make us better, to function more smoothly and escape our sadness and misery.  

 

Having wondered about that, I know very well how in withdrawal our emotions can be very uncomfortably intense so we call them neuroemotions. Maybe you will find it more bearable to live with them if you browse through the thread on them, if you haven't so far http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/137-neuro-emotion/

 

Other than that, I'm very happy about your ongoing recovery and the fact that you see what is happening now as just a wave. And you also mentioned updating your signature with dates of your cuts which would be really good

 

best,

bubble

[Addax]

Also, I've been meaning to look more into hormones causing depression like symptoms. Because again, last week I know I ovulated. And then a day or 2 after I started feeling like crap again. I don't necessarily think I have some sort of hormonal imbalance, though who knows, but I just wonder if my body is sensitive to the hormonal changes since it's caused my nervous system to go haywire before even when totally stable and otherwise functioning normally on my meds. So I'm just keeping an eye on my symptom progression as I lead up to my period coming again and curious to see if the day it comes I again feel so much better. It's really interesting.

 

It is interesting.  As I tapper I've become more curious about what, if any, interaction there might be between hormones and the SSRI use and withdrawal.  

 

I've been trying to find this article I read about a woman's cycle and it's affect on appetite, water retention, mood, sleep, etc. Unfortunately I can't remember where I read it or what the title was, but I remember reading it and thinking, "What?? So there are only maybe 5 or 6 days in a month where a woman feels normal?! That's not fair!!"  It was almost like reading a comedy of errors, except it wasn't funny.  I wish I could find the article.