WinningThrough: Does it get better?

[ang]

The time of blindly trusting science, left last century, because, sorry this century, medications/vaccines, are not created by those who care for humanity, they are created by Merck, et al, for pure profit...................GMOs are created, not for love of humanity, but for pure profit................... I am a pathologist, I know these things, like vaccines, dont work.................... but when Merck, CDC, are now found to be frauds, with fines of 3 billion, and the CDC in USA, now admitting blatant corruption?  Yes we are the victims............. and to do justice, WE NEED TO BE ANGRY, WE NEED TO SURVIVE!

[WinningThrough]

Thanks Ang. Yes, I've about done 14 months off now. Well done to you for doing a year.

 

Yes, it is totally crazy what these drugs do and as for what that drug rep said..I really have no words.

 

I hope you're doing ok Ang. I will pop over to your thread now and see how you are x

[Pugknows]

Hi ((((Winning))))

 

Thanks for wishing me well on my thread. How are you doing today?

 

Love, Pug

[WinningThrough]

Ah, it's a pleasure pug. I'm not faring well, I'm afraid. In a horrible wave. Telling myself this is the last bad one! X

[LoveandLight]

Hopefully it will be xxx

[WinningThrough]

Thank you xx

[Wildflower0214]

I'm so sorry to hear of your recent wave. I hope it is short lived. It's so hard to keep perspective when things get rough. You have done so well keeping a positive outlook throughout this process. I am always amazed at how you manage to be so optimistic despite your pain. Keep your head up and take good care of yourself.

 

Wishing you peace through this latest storm and for the sun to shine all the brighter once it's over.

[WinningThrough]

Ah, thanks so much wildflower. I'm feeling a little bit better today. I think it was the fainting think that knocked me back. I hope you're coping ok. X

[AliG]

 Hi W. T.  Tried to send  a P.M.  Is your message bank full ?  

[WinningThrough]

Hi W. T.  Tried to send  a P.M.  Is your message bank full ?

 

Hi Ali. You can try again now if you like.

[AliG]

 Hi W .T. 

That worked.

I hope you come out of your "horrible wave", into a "beautiful window".    Love,  Ali.

[WinningThrough]

Just dropping in to say that today, at exactly 15 months off, I think I'm experiencing some sort of a window!

 

I went into a massive wave, oh my goodness. It was preceded by eating stuff I shouldn't (I figured as I'm doing a neuroplasticity program and people doing it are managing to beat their food allergies that I could too. Eventually, yes, but I tackled it much too quickly! Much better to heal first and think about the allergies much later). It was also triggered after having a big fainty, dizzy episode back in august. And then I got flu. And being so ill on a daily basis, I didn't even realise I had flu!!! I began to realise that the dizzy spells and nausea I was getting along with completely blocked ears, sinuses and coughing plus severe pain in my toes and fingers and intense nerve pain on just touching my scalp were all down to flu. I've had all that stuff before when I've had flu. Anyway, the flu has gone now.

 

The all over body pain has become very extreme..it's currently in my Achilles, ankles, top of my spine, upper back muscles, neck, shoulders, arms, wrists and hips. It's in my joints and muscles. I know it's all part of this thing and will all go away. I'd take the physical pain over the mental torture any day, I really would. It's so much easier to deal with but it's still very difficult to put up with this level of physical pain! Sleep has been a lot worse too but again, if the mental stuff goes, that is a lot, lot easier to deal with than the mentals.

 

Anyway, today, I feel that the thick, terrifying, doomy depression has backed off quite a bit and it has been doing so the last few days. I seem to be experiencing a slight return of good emotion and connection too and feel a bit more like the real me. I'm far, far from normal but this is an improvement. I feel positive today and I feel like healing is happening. I may go into a wave but things are changing, for sure.

 

I hope this helps.

[LexAnger]

Hi Winning Through,

 

I was thinking of you just this mroning!

I am truely happy for the window you are getting! Oh OMG, you are so deserving this hard-won break! This is soooo great!  

 

I like your new avator even I missed you for a while initially without recongnizing it.

 

You are a great inspiration for strength, endurance, hope, wining throuhg! 

 

hugs to you and take care, 

LexA

[chicken]

Winning, strange thing, I though of you this morning too.

 

Anyway, I'm so glad to hear of your improvements. Healing is slowly happening for you. Praise the Lord!

[WinningThrough]

Thank you both! Lovely that you both thought of me..thank you very much! And on the same day! Hope you're both doing ok. Hugs to you x

[SelmaLady]

Yay for small but very important victories!  I was so glad to read that you had some relief.  I'm always looking to see if you are posting and so hoping that you're having an easier time of it.  You surely are brave and it will be so good to see your healing unfold.   Love to you!

[WinningThrough]

Ah thank you Selma lady! Good to hear from you. Thank you for your kind words. Hope you're coping ok. Love to you too x

[AliG]

 Hi  W T,

 

That's great news  !   I so, agree with you. I would much rather have the " physical" symptoms ( including sleep  or lack of  ), than the horrid  " depression", any day ! I'm happy for you, and hope it keeps up for a while. I'm sure healing is happening and will continue in ever increasing degrees.

 

Hugs,

 

Ali.

[starburst]

I'm glad to hear that your wave has passed and you are feeling better. Oh for more of those windows :-)

[WinningThrough]

Thank you princess starburst! Great name!

 

Thank you AliG! It didn't continue at that level, but it was a glimpse into things to come! I'm not my worst right now so that's good. I do feel like healing is very very slowly happening. Hope you're managing ok.

[luv2knit]

Good to hear from you, WT. I had forgotten that our time frames were so similar. I just hit 14 months off in the last week. I'll have to catch up more on your thread, but it is great that you are seeing improvements!! Hope that continues!!

 

XOXO

[WinningThrough]

Ah, thanks luv. Yes, we have very similar time frames. Let's get better together! And let's do it soon! Xox

[KT38]

How are you doing? Has the akathisia calmed down (inner torment, sensations, etc...)?

[WinningThrough]

How are you doing? Has the akathisia calmed down (inner torment, sensations, etc...)?

Hi KT38. Thank you for writing on my thread. I wish I could say the akathisia had calmed down but unfortunately it hasn't. It's still going as strong as ever. I'm 16 months off now. Almost 27 months of akathisia now. One day it will stop, one lovely day!

 

I really hope this doesn't scare people. Akathisia does stop eventually!

[luv2knit]

I so hope you are right, WT. My thoughts and prayers are with you!

 

XOXO

[WinningThrough]

Thanks luv 2 knit. I know you're afflicted with this dreadful akathisia thing too. I often think about you xxx

[WinningThrough]

I thought it was time I did an update.

 

I last wrote that I thought I might be in some sort of a window. After that I had a few baseline days and a day when I felt like my brain was trying to get there. I felt some slightly good feelings and felt about 20% which is good for me.

 

Unfortunately, after that I crashed majorly. My flu or whatever it was really took hold. I had a severe 8 day headache which felt different from my normal migraines. It was kind of all over my head and neck. I had constant nausea and kept getting big dizzy spells. My ear kept filling up and ringing loudly so I thought it may be an ear infection. All my withdrawal symptoms got much worse and I was back to between 0 and 5%. The headache passed and I had another week of nausea and dizziness, ear, nose and throat stuff. I started to hear from friends here that they'd had the worst flu they'd ever had and had all the same symptoms so I was quite relieved!

 

Those symptoms passed eventually but the last couple of days, my ear, nose and throat are filling again and my ear's ringing like crazy again (I've had tinnitus for years but this is different). I don't feel sick though. Yesterday I had a nasty migraine but my usual kind of migraine. I've had some sort of weird bug or something going on since 22nd august when I got sick and dizzy in the sun. Maybe this is waves and windows. Who knows? It's so hard to work out what the heck is going on, isn't it?!

 

Prior to all this, I'd gone crazy with food. I'm doing (or sort of doing) a neuroplasticity program where people are recovering from food sensitivities so I thought I could get away with it but I couldn't. It completely did me in. The people doing the program aren't dealing with drug reactions or withdrawal though plus I've had candida for years and years so it's not sensible for me to tackle food sensitivities. I just want to feel better and that is my aim from now on. No more eating cake or chocolate! I think some of the neuroplasticity programs recommend eating a clean diet and this works better for me.

 

I still have 24/7 akathisia, terror, thick depression and creepy horror movie stuff, brain zaps, vision problems, loss of good emotions and connection, memory problems, gum brain, agitation, sweats and flushes, etc etc. & I feel dreadfully ill all the time. As we all do. Maybe a lot of what I have can be put down to depersonalisation.

 

I will say, though, that in the last few months, I've been getting times where the depression lifts and bit and I feel slightly connected. Sometimes I can feel things up to a certain point. For instance, I can feel the change of season in the air sometimes. And more and more, I'm getting something from music. Other times, music freaks me out! But the times where the depression improves and the connection starts to make a slight reappearance are becoming more frequent. Unfortunately, right now isn't one of those times! I'm in a wave!

 

I don't ever have what I would really call windows, I either have tsunamis or I have my baseline. I think my baseline has gone up. It used to get up to about 10% and now it gets to about 20%.

 

Body pain has been a newish thing for me. I know a lot of people on the benzo board have this and I took benzos. I seem to have a frozen shoulder and I feel like I have carpal tunnel syndrome in both wrists. My neck, shoulders, upper back and arms are hit hard right now. My Achilles, ankles, knees, hips and back can get bad too. It could be withdrawal, it could be fibromyalgia or it could be that I spent about a year and a half rigid on the sofa with terrible body posture bent over my ipad all day. I think the latter is the most likely explanation. I have to try to keep off my ipad as much as possible because it makes me worse.

 

Now onto what I'm doing to try to help myself. I'm being very strict with my candidia diet and that's it from now on. I'm not bothered about using neuroplasticity to get over my candida and food issues because I'm not ready. My only goal is to recover from all this rubbish. I've gone stricter on my diet because I was eating potatoes and starchy foods but I'm told they are a no no on the candida diet so I've cut out potatoes and starches. I'm eating mostly chicken, fish and meat, non root vegetables, salad and almonds. I have a lot of candida 'die-off' going on. I've read that cutting out foods in the nightshade family can really help with pain so I've cut those out too.

 

I'm doing my best to keep my neuroplasticity program going (I'm supposed to do an hour a day every day for six months) and I've been doing it since early June so I'm at 5 months on it now. Some people do it a lot longer. I have to confess to not doing it fully. During the flu, I had a couple of days where I didn't do it at all and days where I did less than an hour. My non withdrawal friend who is doing it too, said she couldn't do it when she had the flu. I'm also not managing to never talk about symptoms or illness. I think we all know in this that it's virtually impossible not to talk about it ever, although I do try very very very very hard indeed. I'm doing all the things they suggest a lot of the time. I think, with these neuroplasticity programs, that they all have different ways of doing things to achieve the same result. Each of the people who developed the different programs found their own way of doing things and what suits one person may not suit another. So I'm sort of developing my own system and seeing how that goes. No one who is doing the program has akathisia or the other weird drug stuff we have. It's a question of just doing the best we can to get through it and finding what works for us and what doesn't.

 

I apologise for not being on here much and not writing very often on people's threads. There are a few reasons for this. One is the course I'm doing..as I said, I'm not supposed to talk about symptoms or illness or expose my brain to anything related to it (which I'm obviously not doing right now!). Secondly, my wrists, shoulders, and neck get worse when I'm on the ipad, my head aches more and I feel more ill generally. Thirdly, although I can manage to write on my own thread, I find it really,really difficult to read threads and take in what is written. I do think of everybody on here though and I wish so much everyone could get better soon.

[Petunia]

Thanks for updating WT and for your post on my thread, especially since you've decided its best for you to limit your activity here. I did reply there, but in case you don't see it, I mentioned how there has been a kind of synchronicity between the timing of our recent pattern of symptom fluctuations.

 

There's no need to apologize for not posting, you have to do what's best for you and stay dedicated to your course goals, it sounds interesting and like it may be helping, what course is it?

 

Its good to hear that you have started having little moments of being able to feel positive emotions, that's how they started for me too, the first few times was like "huh! what was that? a good feeling?" It had been so long since I'd felt anything good it took me a few seconds to recognize it. Then they slowly started to increase. I remember the first time I actually laughed after not having done that for a long time, finding something amusing again was also a lovely surprise.

 

You will get there WT, these are signs that recovery is happening.

 

(hugs)

Petunia.

[WinningThrough]

Thanks for updating WT and for your post on my thread, especially since you've decided its best for you to limit your activity here. I did reply there, but in case you don't see it, I mentioned how there has been a kind of synchronicity between the timing of our recent pattern of symptom fluctuations.

 

There's no need to apologize for not posting, you have to do what's best for you and stay dedicated to your course goals, it sounds interesting and like it may be helping, what course is it?

 

Its good to hear that you have started having little moments of being able to feel positive emotions, that's how they started for me too, the first few times was like "huh! what was that? a good feeling?" It had been so long since I'd felt anything good it took me a few seconds to recognize it. Then they slowly started to increase. I remember the first time I actually laughed after not having done that for a long time, finding something amusing again was also a lovely surprise.

 

You will get there WT, these are signs that recovery is happening.

 

(hugs)

Petunia.

Thanks, Petunia. I did read your reply to my post on your thread :-)

 

It is strange about the synchronicity between the timings of our symptom changes. Kind of cool!

 

The course I'm doing (or half doing!!) is called the Dynamic Neural Retraining system. It is good but I find it harder than climbing Everest in this state! I will keep trying though.

 

It's comforting to know that's how your recovery started too, with those little moments of feeling something a little bit good.

 

Take care and keep healing x

[KT38]

Do you have pressure in your head like something needs to bust out? Like a force living in your head?

[WinningThrough]

Do you have pressure in your head like something needs to bust out? Like a force living in your head?

Yes, I definitely have this. Massive head pressure, that feels like my head will explode. Sometimes I get it in the eye and nose too. And yes, it does feel like a force living in my head and body.

[KT38]

I just started getting it in the nose. I walk on eggshells because my body is so sensitive to any little stress and then my brain doesn't process right and my brain starts tripping out and is very scary. Are you afraid of your mind and body? It's like my brain and body don't know how to respond to anything and I feel like I have brain damage it is so unreal.

[WinningThrough]

I just started getting it in the nose. I walk on eggshells because my body is so sensitive to any little stress and then my brain doesn't process right and my brain starts tripping out and is very scary. Are you afraid of your mind and body? It's like my brain and body don't know how to respond to anything and I feel like I have brain damage it is so unreal.

What you describe sounds very familiar and very normal in this. I am definitely afraid of my mind and body. I have terror all the time of everything, for no reason. Pictures of nice things terrify me. Feeling brain damaged is very common in withdrawal and with adverse reactions. I read some of your thread and it looks as if you, like me, had adverse reactions from the start and withdrawal made it all worse. SSRIs were horrific for me from day one and it just kept getting worse the longer I was on them. This will get better with time. I know it's impossible to believe but it will get better.

[KT38]

Yes, for sure we had adverse reactions. I am the same way, everything is extremely scary. I have only driven maybe 2x since these meds as I don't trust myself not freaking out. I am starting to get worse at 7 months off but hear that is normal. I see you took Zoloft on two different occasions. I did, too. Zoloft is what started this for me. I have heard similar stories to adverse reactions to Zoloft and they have what we have. We will get through this. Hoping you have a better day!

[WinningThrough]

Yes, zoloft is a beast! We can slay the beast, though. I remember being really, really bad at 7 months off.

[AliG]

WinningThrough,

 

You've been through it , for sure . You are a " champion".

 

Keep up the " good fight".

 

Hugs ,

 

Ali.