WinningThrough: Does it get better?

[WinningThrough]

Thanks Mamma :-)

[Petunia]

I'm sorry you were hit by another wave WT, after such a nice week.  I'm actually not in a wave or a window, just a kind of ongoing withdrawal blah

 

I hope you feel better again soon.

[mattinsmom]

Sorry you got dunked. Waves suck. I am so glad to see that they aren't lasting as long as they have in the past. Keep breathing, the window is coming. 

[WinningThrough]

Wave from hell. Aarrgghh!!!

 

Thought I was getting a bit better then BAM! This seems a longish one too. I hope this means shed loads of healing is happening.

 

Thanks for all the support, guys.

[bubble]

Sorry it's taking so long. But looking at it this way as healing happening underneath it makes everything so much different.

 

Are you still taking propranolol?

 

hugs

[WinningThrough]

Thanks bubble. It does help thinking that each wave means healing is happening and could mean that the next window will be brighter. I haven't gone on propranolol. After taking it those two days, the window remained open three more days, then I got a one day wave followed by the brightest window yet. Then a 3 day wave hit, then a one day kind of window, one day wave, one day windowish on Friday and I've been in a wave since Sunday.

 

On Sunday, I was really bad and took 10mg of propranolol. It got me more functional. I got dressed and went out for lunch and then a walk. I felt wavy despite the propranolol whereas the previous time I took it, I was more windowy. Either way, it DOES make me more functional. I took 10mg propranolol twice on Sunday. I've not had any since. Yesterday, I was on the couch all day and today I'm in bed.

 

One thing that puts me off going on propranolol is that I've got a strange skin lesion. It may be a coincidence but I got it the same time as I took the propranolol two weeks ago. It's kind of a weird, red, angry looking lesion and I've never had anything like it before. It itches sometimes. It may have flared up yesterday, one day after taking propranolol again. It could be anything, it could even be some sort of bite but I don't know. It's a scary thought that propranolol could cause a serious skin reaction. It's just one lesion but still a bit worrying. It I went in propranolol it could spread quickly and that freaks me out. I haven't been to the doctor because I can't face it.

 

So I'm just letting my body do waves and windows on its own for now.

[bubble]

Thank you for this report on the way propranolol is affecting you.

 

I don't know much about skin reactions to taking these drugs but it's good that you are keeping an eye on it. It could be worth googling it.

 

Being on a couch and in bed is not so bad (although it makes me feel bad unless I make a conscious decision that it is ok.

 

I'm very happy to hear about windows (and waves exchanging so quickly). This is a sure sign the recovery has begun in earnest...

[WinningThrough]

I'm now getting constant lip and facial twitching. Is this the start of tardive dyskenesia or are these just typical withdrawal symptoms?

[andy]

I'm now getting constant lip and facial twitching. Is this the start of tardive dyskenesia or are these just typical withdrawal symptoms?

hi WT I get this its usually when I am over tired and nothing to worry about ,try not to focus on it

hope you have a good day

[WinningThrough]

Thanks andy. My health anxiety is taking over! I've actually had random muscle twitches for years with occasional facial twitching and this was nothing to do with withdrawal. I used never to worry about all my weird random symptoms and just got on with it. I've had all kinds of weird physical symptoms for years. Withdrawal is making me paranoid!

[andy]

Thanks andy. My health anxiety is taking over! I've actually had random muscle twitches for years with occasional facial twitching and this was nothing to do with withdrawal. I used never to worry about all my weird random symptoms and just got on with it. I've had all kinds of weird physical symptoms for years. Withdrawal is making me paranoid!

I have had all over body muscle twicthes since I went on my first anti depressant ,when they were really bad they didnt stop all day long.Slowly they have eased off as my anxiety has dropped and ive come off the drugs

Withdrawal is a pain !

[mattinsmom]

How are you doing? Are you still twitching? And the red lesion?

I hope that a window has opened and that your body's reactions have simmered down. 

[WinningThrough]

Thanks MM. After starting to get a few kind of windows, I've been in a dreadful wave.

 

That lesion thing..I actually think it's ringworm or something!! I looked at pictures of ringworm and it looks similar. It wouldn't surprise me because I'm a very fungal person. At times I thought I might turn into a mushroom ... Lol. This skin thing probably has nothing to do with propranolol and I only have the one weird skin blob thingy. It's not like I have a rash or anything.

 

So far today, my lip doesn't seem to be twitching. The wave feels as if it might possibly be diminishing just a tiny bit. I do hope so.

 

Just looked at your latest post on your thread..it looks like you're doing well :-)

[mattinsmom]

Sensing Positive energy for a window to open.

[andy]

Hang in there WT good times are around the corner

[WinningThrough]

Well, this isn't exactly the 50th birthday I would have imagined. I can't say I expected to spend my landmark birthday wishing I was dead. Sorry this is so morbid but it's honest.

 

The crying spells are coming back again.

 

I just want to feel happy on my birthday. Obviously that's too much to ask for. I want to feel calm too. Also too much to ask for.

 

I'm getting loads of lovely messages on Facebook which is wonderful. I wish I could feel them. It's crazy because I have a wonderful life but my tortured brain won't allow me to enjoy any of it. It's all so black. The terror and agitation in my body is horrendous.

 

Is this really going to get better?

[andy]

Hi WT just trying to offer some support ,I know its hard but please try and enjoy some part of today

Sending you a birthday  hug

[Addax]

I know it's hard to believe when you're feeling the way you're feeling.  I've been wondering the same thing lately... But I do believe it will get better.  You will get better. It just doesn't happen as quickly as we'd like.

 

You your birthday to pamper yourself in some way.  Happy Birthday WT.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Well, this isn't exactly the 50th birthday I would have imagined. I can't say I expected to spend my landmark birthday wishing I was dead. Sorry this is so morbid but it's honest.

 

The crying spells are coming back again.

 

I just want to feel happy on my birthday. Obviously that's too much to ask for. I want to feel calm too. Also too much to ask for.

 

I'm getting loads of lovely messages on Facebook which is wonderful. I wish I could feel them. It's crazy because I have a wonderful life but my tortured brain won't allow me to enjoy any of it. It's all so black. The terror and agitation in my body is horrendous.

 

Is this really going to get better?

 

Well, if it is anything like my recovery has been, it will get different before it gets better, or until I can see the different as better than the bad it was and not necessarily the good I was hoping for. Nothing is ever too much to ask for, it is accepting 'what is' is the hard part.

 

Happy Birthday! Just imagine how much better things are going to be in the future!

[WinningThrough]

Thanks all. Gosh, that was a negative post I posted earlier! I managed to get out today. It did help.

 

CW, yes you are right. I'm learning to accept now at times. Any improvement is good. Take care all.

[WinningThrough]

CW, forgot to say, good idea to imagine how much better things will be later. I'm going to think of some things I'd like to do in the future and write them down. I'm going to make this a regular exercise and really try to imagine these things happening. I've read so many times now that things do eventually get better so I hang on to that. A year from now, things could be quite a bit better than they are now.

[Muddles]

They will be a lot better...I just know they will.

 

Birthday hugs sent to you....I so wish I could give you that one birthday wish. Next year will be different.

[WinningThrough]

Thanks Mudds. Massive hugs.

[WinningThrough]

Well, as of today I am officially discharged from the mental health team!

 

I was amazed that the care worker congratulated me on my fight against psychiatry! She said well done for fighting against the psychiatric system and well done for standing up for your beliefs. I was so surprised! It seems that she has really listened to me and learnt about the potential side effects and withdrawals of these drugs. She says because of me, she will now know what to look out for in patients and will be able to see better if they are reacting to drugs. This is very good news.

 

I got the impression that she is now thinking of getting away from the system.

 

I'm so glad to have been discharged. Except that I am now left with a messed up brain that I have to somehow heal and there's nothing I can take to make it go away.

 

After visiting the care worker, I stayed out which sort of helped.

 

I've taken propranolol the last two days and it has helped me. 10mg twice a day. I've not updated my signature yet because I've not yet decided to go on it. The skin thing I had turned out not to be a side effect but a fungal infection. I have some cream to sort it out.

[Petunia]

Belated happy birthday WT, I'm sorry I haven't been around much lately, I've been preoccupied with my own problems.

 

That's great news about getting discharged from mental health, well done, especially because you have been able to help your care worker understand more about these drugs and what they do, she will be able to really help more people now.

[Skylarblue75]

Hi WT, happy belated birthday!!   I hope you are doing well congrats on a well done job with getting discharged form the mental health team. As for me I still have to see a therapist and meet with a case worker and a visiting nurse or i lose my disability,and I cant afford to lose that right now, it's paying my mortage. Thanks for stopping by and checking in on my post, I really don't post that often, because I feel like I'm whining too much and come off like a total nut case  that needs constant reassurance that she's not Hope you are well today.

 

sending love and hugs

[WinningThrough]

Ah thanks SB. You don't come across as a nut job and you don't whine. I am just so very sorry that you are in so much pain and I wish I could take it all away for you. We will all get through this. Love and hugs to you too x

[mattinsmom]

A very belated but very sincere happy birthday. I hear that it wasn't so grand so lets celebrate it again. Pick another day. Why not?

You posted a bit ago that sometimes you wonder if it every gets better. Whenever I read your intro title (?) "Winning Through - does it ever get better?" my head always answers "Yes it does". Seeing your header is always a little reminder to me that it will all be ok. So thank you. 

[WinningThrough]

Thanks Petu and MM and anyone else I've forgotten to mention.

 

I've put off posting, I wanted to wait until I was in a window to spread some positivity rather than post in a wave. But, hey ho. I feel compelled to write!

 

I'm sitting here reassuring myself that I'm in a massive wave and this is natural and normal in recovery. I guess I'm experiencing the ups and downs of waves and windows. It sure is a bumpy ride.

 

My birthday turned out to be better than expected. I took 2 propranolols. We had lunch out and visited a lovely village. It was great getting cards and messages. I took propranolol for 5 days but still experienced waves and windows despite it. I do think it got me more functional. Wednesday and Thursday were comparatively good (well, a bit more bearable!!). Friday we went out but I felt diabolical. Saturday I was bad. Sunday, I was more windowy. We went out for most of the day and even ended up at a small music festival! I'm proud of myself.

 

Ten minutes after I took the propranolol on Sunday, I got a circular rash around the skin welt thingy. It spread quickly. If formed a ring then spread across my chest. It quickly started appearing on my other shoulder. The next day, my stomach was a bit rashy. So it's possible I'm allergic to propranolol which isn't great because I feel it helps on some level. If I knew I'd just get a rash which didn't get any worse that would be fine but I don't want to end up with a serious, dangerous rash.

 

I haven't taken any propranolol since Sunday and I've been in a wave all week. It's possible that these waves and windows would happen anyway without propranolol. Someone said that on here..I think it may have been mammaP.

 

What I've written above has eased me a little. It shows me that I do get improvements and reminds me that I'm in a wave. I feel like I'm getting worse at the moment. I've been bad all week but started to get worse last night and am dreadful today. I'm crying buckets again and I'm getting massive headaches. The darkness in my head is just unbelievable. I've been dressing gown clad all week and too terrified to do anything at all. I know I'm not unique.

 

This is just a wave, isn't it? Just a really bad wave. Healing is happening during this wave. I can't stop it, I have to ride it. I hope I get rewarded with a window soon.

 

I recently wrote on someone else's post to remind them that they were in a wave after experiencing good windows and hoped they would get a good window soon. I need to apply this to myself.

 

I've been getting so upset by what others are going through. It breaks me, it really does. There is so much suffering and I can't fix it. I can't make people better. I wish I could. I've read so many sad stories, my head is full and I think it's playing into my wave.

 

I really must start putting all my positive things into practice. A while ago I was about to start all that but somehow, it's not happened. I've done some of it but need to do more. I need to focus on healing, healing, healing.

[Petunia]

Hi WT,

There's a few things that come to mind after reading your last post.  It sounds like you had a lovely week, in spite of a few ups and downs, I wonder how much of that was helped by taking propranolol.

 

The rash may not be caused by propranolol, many people get rashes at various stages through the recovery process.  I sometimes get a rash across my ribs which gets worse if I'm in a wave.  Its been very uncomfortable at times, but then fades away.

 

 

I haven't taken any propranolol since Sunday and I've been in a wave all week. It's possible that these waves and windows would happen anyway without propranolol.

 

Its possible, but I'm thinking that if you took it for 5 days and had a generally better week, but then as soon as you stop taking it, you went into a bad wave, its more likely to be connected.  Propranolol is supposed to be tapered after regular use, also, its known to cause depression.  When I used to take it I would find that if I took it a few days in a row, I would feel down for a few days after I stopped, so that might be something to consider.  If you are going to take it, perhaps it would be better to take it regularly, that's as long as its not causing the rash.  Propranolol  is sometimes used to prevent migraines.... now you have started getting headaches again since you stopped taking it, to me that seems like another sign it may be connected.

 

Do you still have the rash?

 

I'm sorry you are feeling so awful again, whatever has caused it, I'm sure it will pass and you will feel better again soon.  You have been having some nice windows where you are able to relax and enjoy yourself, this shows that you are recovering.  Healing is happening all the time, whether we are in waves or windows.  As time passes, more recovery takes place, so really its just a matter of hanging on, riding the waves, enjoying the view through the windows when they open and knowing that one day we will be fully recovered.

 

Here is a small window for you until your next one opens

 

 

 

[WinningThrough]

Thank u Petu. It may have been the propranolol helping me a bit. I've not had any for almost 2 weeks and I'm not faring well. I guess I'm still getting waves and murky windows in that I've had a couple of days in the last 2 weeks when I've got out of the house.

 

I'm in such a huge wave. I feel like I did in early acute. I used to call the Samaritans a lot in early acute and I haven't done that for ages. I found myself doing it again yesterday. I'm having huge crying spells again and the brain zaps are getting worse again. My skin on my face is red and peeling.

 

Is this withdrawal hitting hard a while after I've been off? Ive been off zoloft (reinstatement) 4 months and it's 7 months since I first came off and got hit with withdrawal. Is this that 6/7 month thing I've heard about? Or is it just a massive wave?

 

I'd love to get a window where I felt really good. I guess I've had about 3 where I've managed to get a sense of sort of kind of enjoyment ish. I never feel normal but I've felt more hope in those windows.

 

I just have to ride this wave. It's one heck of a wave. It's a shock when symptoms you thought were improving come back but I know this is what waves do. Hopefully this will pave the way for a window.

 

I don't have the rash any more, Petu. It went after I stopped the propranolol. I still have a fungal skin thing but it's not that bad now.

 

Thanks for the lovely window you sent me! I think I'm going to draw a lovely window and pin it up on the wall.

 

I'm going to try an experiment. I'm going to pick a date and tell myself over and over that I'm going to have a window on that date. It will be interesting to see if it happens!

[Petunia]

I'm sorry you're still in a wave WT, I wish I could send you a real window.  Its difficult to know what has caused this wave.  I didn't know that rash was a common side effect of propranolol, so it seems to have caused an adverse reaction in you, perhaps this may be contributing to the current downturn.  I would think its wise to avoid propranolol from now on.

 

I can see from your signature that you've only been completely medication free for 4 months.  So this window and wave pattern is quite normal, there really are no short cuts to recovery, time is what's needed.  It seems like you react badly to a lot of medications, and haven't been on any psyche drugs for long, so I think that in time, if you avoid these kinds of drugs, you will fully recover.  It future, perhaps look first at natural methods for treating health problems that arise.

 

I don't think there is anything special about being 6/7 months out.  The windows and waves pattern seems to be a fairly consistent mode of recovery lasting as long as it takes for each individual.  Its possible to notice increased improvement at any time, its also possible to experience significant waves after periods of improvement at any time.

 

There are too many variables in individual genetics, environment and drug history to be able accurately predict anything.  The only thing we can know for certain is that in time, everyone gets better.

 

You're not alone, I'm still in a long wave after a few days of feeling better, we will get through this.

 

((hugs))

[WinningThrough]

Thanks Petu. This really is the mother of all waves. I'm so very sorry that you are also in a wave. I really hope yours passes soon.

 

Sending hugs.

[mlrp]

Hi, WT,

 

It's been a while since I said hello to you. This message coming to you wave-to-wave, since I'm currently riding a pretty nasty one out, myself.

 

Your account of going into Oxford last month was so bittersweet to read. My husband and I have been to Oxford twice on really lovely holidays. The other day, I found an itinerary I'd typed up for a UK trip we made a few years ago. I put it away without reading it - I was such a different person then. Similary to when you got the idea for a book, little, ephemeral glimpses of the "old me" show up from time to time. So fleeting.

 

BUT, I'm being reminded that healing is continuing NO MATTER WHAT, right!?

 

And a happy, very belated birthday.

 

My husband keeps reminding me to plan, or at least look ahead, to those better times that are surely to come. Some day, I'm going to be (fully) enjoying a lovely cuppa in some Oxford tea shop, and I'll think of you, knowing that we are BOTH in recovery and loving life.

 

And, yes, well-done seeing yourself through the medical system. You clearly had an amazing and positive influence on the care worker! Come the revolution!!

[WinningThrough]

Thank you mlrp. I hope this terrible wave passes soon for both of us.

 

Thank u for the birthday wishes.

 

I hope you get to enjoy that cup of tea in oxford. I may join you!

[WinningThrough]

Ninth circle of hell