alldaisy: Zyprexa withdrawal - severe insomnia and lack of appetite

[Altostrata]

This sounds a little better, alldaisy. Please let us know how you are doing.

[alldaisy]

Hi Altostrata,

 

 

I am a little bit better, it is true, but I am not completely recovered. I am dealing with some flash back, today specially, I have a rush of sadness and shame, I have like millions of question marks on my head, I have a recollections of faces looking at me, like they want to kill me or want me to  kill myself, it is an status hard to describe, it is like a recapitulation. I have been well for a very long time but no today. You know that feeling, when you meet a person and you know that person want to really hurt you and you do not know why, I have that, I am afraid of some people around. Maybe I will have to go back to a medication or maybe it is just a bad day. I am writing here, because you have been a great support for me dealing with the medication, and helping me when I am in this status of sadness, loneliness and depression. I do not know why anyone could want to hurt me, but faces do not lie, I met a woman when I was at the hospital and she hurt me so much,  I can expect that, after all we are there for a reason, and these mental illness is very serious , I do not know for what reason she came to my mind today in the middle of this little crisis  I guess, with time I will get better and better dealing with my crazy thoughts and they will find the medication that I need to be Ok. But I am super sad, super super sad today. I was thinking to go to see my psychologist, because I feel alone, hurt, betrayed, I need to talk to a therapist. 

 

Thanks for reading and for always been there for me....

[Altostrata]

Are these feelings something you had been struggling with before you went on drugs? If so, you definitely can learn to manage them. They are habits of thinking.

[alldaisy]

Thanks Altostrata,

 

I will look information about what I can do about, I have many problems, I am dealing with an issue that has been part of my life for almost 18 years (I have not found the way to address that problem and it is a permanent negative variable in my every day life). I am feeling better now, after crying a little. Maybe I am feeling like this because I had a bad night yesterday, that make me a little confuse. 

 

Goodnight!

[alldaisy]

Today I am feeling better, but I was almost awake for the whole night, with that obsessive-compulsive thoughts, maybe I should get back to invega. I am afraid to get very sick again and end on the hospital for the same reason. But I wanted to stop by and say thanks

[Katy91]

Hi Daisy

 

Are you completely off Zyprexa now then?  I am tapering off it slowly.  Would be great to know your progress.  Do you think your insomnia is still as a result of withdrawing from Olanzapine?  I know I was off it for a year before and I still couldn't sleep.

[alldaisy]

Hi Katy,

 

I have being off Zyprexa for three years already. I stopped the medication cold turkey, I have not idea how dangerous psychotropic drugs were. I was desperate to get some sleep, I was crazy with my mental health issues, I was completely out my mind. Until I got partially stabilized with other drugs, I believe lamotrigine and geodon. However, sleep still was a undoable . Then after trying many combinations of drugs, finally they found the one right for me, gabapentin, at the beginning it was fine, I started sleeping decently. With time, I started with very irregular cycles of sleep, but I became more relaxed, I started making changes on my habits (applying all they recommend as good sleep hygiene). My sleep did not improve to much, even after the changes, but I started seeing a pattern, less days with 0 hours sleep or less than three hours sleep. Currently I still have problems, and I have started experiencing some very bad nights  of almost 0 hours sleep, like back to the previous time. I have noticed in my case, that sleeping is also very affected by my state of mind and when I have a sad day or when I cried, my sleep get very disturbed. You can go back to my previous post where I described the pattern.

 

I wish you do not go through all my suffering after quitting the medication, continue doing it very slow and follow all what your doctor say. in my case, quitting the medication affected my whole body, appetite included. I believe my lack of sleep is because something got affected when  I quitted the medication without doctor supervision. I have to tell you that something changed on my brain, I do not have any hope that my sleep will improve in the future, if there are any damage on the brain it will be difficult to revert it. Before, I was really afraid of dying because my lack of sleep or lack of restorative sleep, today I am dealing with my mood changes on the bad nights, and all the problems that can cause a human being no being able to sleep well (it is so difficult, that I do not wish anyone to feel the way I feel). If i died for this, it is ok, no much that I can do about and now this my position. I have tried everything, I have visited my doctor, I have described my situation and I am almost feeling the same way. 

 

We will be always here, this forum helps a lot, and gave me a lot of help in my hard times. I am very thankful for all they have done for me. There are wonderful people here, people that have struggle as us. Reading others cases similar to mine helped me a lot too. 

 

Hope this answer your question. Do not lose hope, it is the only thing  I can tell you and always go to your doctors. If you do not feel well with your current doctor, change and look for the one that give you confidence. It is very important to trust our physicians, I change many times of doctors until I found the one. I am sure, he has done all the things possible to help me. But he is not a magician to fix my broken brain. 

 

Take care.

[alldaisy]

Hi,

 

I had no a very bad night, but I am feeling depressive and with suicidal thoughts. I am here just venting, trying to scape myself for all the negative thoughts, from my craziness, from this wave, remembering the windows and waves. Even though I walked and I tried to relax, for moments all my pain is totally overwhelming. That crazy thoughts have  not stopped hurting me, no even for a second, when I am feeling better, they return like a wave taking all that I move forward and I go back again to an status of confusion, exaltation, emptiness, madness, craziness. Then they are there again, my millions of ghosts pulling the silence trigger, degrading me to a place where I went before thanks to their constant turbulences, they are there, putting me down again and again. They are happy, they are enjoying the victory like in the middle of war, showing force, showing control of my more recondite hope of recovery. Then a couple of ghosts enter my soul, they are dress with very expensive and elegant attires, poor them, they look wonderful, they have an smile, they are thinking I envy them, BUT NO, I feel sorry for them, for all they have to do to make me cry. I say with force, I say without shame, I cry and cry, I cry like a baby, how this is happening, how they can be so, do not know what adjetive so moronic, then they run again they start shaking stupid hands, dirty hands, enemies hands, they are enjoying the party, they are making money, they are getting rich, they are making me poor, they are in rampage, follow by blind ghosts, by ordinary or by extraordinary or by senseless. Then in the middle of the crisis, I yell, get out of my country, go back to the desert or to the mountain, let me alone. But the no sense continue, they continue invading my soul, they are carrying mask now, they are trying to look like the people I love, poor them again, they are forgetting when they laughed and told me that I am a b****, they are forgetting when they told me that my name is something like **** and then, I pardon those ghosts to the point that I cannot pardon one day more. I breath, I run to therapy, I find my physician, I run and I ask for a hug, then all the ghosts vanish from my turbulent spirit, they hide, they do not want to be found when I telling my doctor how I am feeling, they abandon the city, the little corner of my prison, the chain break. And my physician look at me again, my eyes are not longer cover of tears, they dread all of me, but I am standing again. Then he just put a relaxing music, I cannot see the little ghosts now, I cannot smile either, the depression is taking a toll, pushing me to the point of sickness. I have been feeling really bad. Let's pray they that this is just wave or just a bad day, as the many I have had before.

 

Thanks for reading

[Blackstar]

Hello Daisy.  I'm sorry to hear you've had some really bad nights.  If it helps you to write your thoughts, there will always be people here to listen.  How is your social contact outside of this forum?  Do you have any support, a group, or a friend/friends you spend time with?  

[alldaisy]

Hi BlackStar,

 

Long time not see, I wish you are doing better that the last time we were in contact. 

 

No, I do not have any social contact. Trust me that I have tried, but I cannot deal with people who treat me badly. There are some wonderful people in the community I am living. People that have treated me the way I treat others and the way I would like to be treated. You know, people in the street, stores, in the supermarket, in the neighborhood, from the one that just smile at me and help me with the computer when is broken or the lady talking to me about art, or the other helping me with my shopping bag, or the man that it is always smiling moving the cars at the supermarket, I do not know, but there others that are just pure venom, vengeful people. I can smile at them, but I just cannot deal with that because they hurt like our worst enemy. 

 

To be honest, I do not like groups or big groups of people. I like to have family and friends, wake up in the morning happy because I will go to work. Invite my friends to my house. Have the possibility to invite my neighbors and also help others. You know, I like to have a productive life and I need human interactions. I believe we all, as human need that, at least for me, it is . I do not conceive life in different way. 

 

Well, thanks for stopping by. 

 

 

Take care.

[Blackstar]

Well, as long as you're seeing some people that's important.  It doesn't have to be large groups of people.  And of course you want to be around the people that treat you well.  The ones who don't don't deserve a second of your time.  

 

I hope you are doing better, Daisy.  

[alldaisy]

Thanks for your good wishes Blackstar

 

I am little by little recovering from another sad episode. I got crazy, I wanted to be death. Then I am back to medication. I was feeling really bad, my sleep got terrible disrupted and I was feeling like garbage (sound hard, but it is the truth).  

 

Now, I am more stable. Still there are sadness in me, the waves engulf  me from time to time. But I am dealing with all this pain and sadness, trying to find strength. Looking for the good, forgetting the bad. Appreciating life and what it is left of me. Swimming against the current and keeping the balance. It is hard, I cannot lie, it is really hard for me. Therapy and medication, help me a lot to deal with my everyday life, struggles, and all I have lost in my life. But a part of me, a very important part of me, do not want to hoist the white flag. Anyway, thanks again for throwing some lines here for me. It means the world for me. All the support of this community and every single of the replies, and advices, it is and have been very helpful for me. This community has helped me deal with the withdraw effects and also with my mental illness. 

 

I am feeling a little bit better. Hope you are better too. 

[Blackstar]

  Yeah, there always seems to be some sort of struggle, eh? I sometimes wonder whether I'll end up having to go back on a small dose of Zyprexa at some point.  I still cannot sleep for more than 4-5 hours and have a tough time eating, quite often feel nauseous when i do (and get no pleasure from it), and most exhausted all the time, and I know Zyprexa would likely work to knock me out and make me eat.  But since I still think it was the Zyprexa that caused this alteration to happen, I would have to think about that very carefully, and whether I want to go "back there" again.  

  And to give you my honest opinion at this point, I do not buy that we have these symptoms because we came off Zyprexa too quickly.  There is not any real proof out there showing that it's the "going off too quickly" that does the damage.  But there is plenty of evidence showing that certain drugs can do damage, regardless of how quickly you go off.  I mean we know that's it's not good to go off abruptly but i'm not convinced that that's what does the long term damage.  I have seen people who extend their taper to 1 year, 2 years.. or more, and guess what?  They still arrive at the same problem when they near stopping it completely (i'm talking about zyprexa here specifically), they still can't fall asleep, still can't eat and are still faced with the same hurdle, except they took a damaging drug for an extra 2 years.  Doesn't necessarily seem like the best option to me.  I think we would have these symptoms regardless of how slowly we went off it.  

 

But at this point you gotta do whatever you think is best, and if that means being on medication, then so be it.  Any form of psychosis is a living nightmare, a real ugly thing, believe me, I know.  Don't forget that you are one hell of a strong person for being able to live with these thoughts, and not taking the easy way out.  Even though you may not feel strong, that takes courage, determination, and character.  

[alldaisy]

Thanks Blackstar,

 

Thinking more about the medication, the damages, the reason for the damages...etc. Talking about Zyprexa (that for me was the drug responsable of all my health problems). After reading other cases like us, maybe Zyprexa was not the problem, every organism is different and react different to medication. 

 

I do not want to take all my madness against an specific drug (Zyprexa in my case), I do not want to do it, because I know that this drug has helped others with their mental illness. Then, no because the drug affected me, I want to take from others the opportunity to heal. I know that I have complained a lot, even to the FDA, but I did it  because I was desperate, craving for help, support and a cure to my illness and all my discomfort.

 

I am still sick Backstar,  I still have very bad days and nights. However, something in me have changed, I have accepted my illness, and I have learned a little to deal with this. Maybe I will never be me again, or I will never recover completely. But I am here. I am thankful for this forum, for my medicines, for my psychological treatment. 

 

Let's just wish a bright future for all. More happiness and a more healthy future for all.

 

Take care.Thanks for being there. 

[Altostrata]

alldaisy, it sounds like you have the foundation in place for healing. Are you still taking gabapentin?

[alldaisy]

Hi Altostrata,

 

Yes, I am still taking gabapentin, and I have been put back in others medications because part of my symptoms have returned. I had a very severe crisis and I almost hurt myself. 

 

Thanks.

[Altostrata]

What are you taking now?

[alldaisy]

I am taking invega 6 mg and also clonazepan. After two weeks, I am a little better, more stable and more able to function right.

[alldaisy]

Another bad night, I cannot have a bad day or receive insults, bad news, or think in any problem because when that happens my night become a nightmare. No idea what to do. 

 

Maybe is not a good idea for me to be here writing at this time, that go against the "good sleep hygiene" but when I am feeling the way I feel now, this forum is my only help. 

[Blackstar]

I think acceptance is wise, accepting the things you can't change, as they say.  I was never good at accepting things I didn't like, always thinking there must be something I can do about it.  But they say if you are suffering, that accepting the pain and letting it go through you will put an end to the suffering, as you only suffer when you resist.  Is it true?  Probably to a certain degree.  

 

Just take it day by day.  Some days are good, some are not.  The sun can`t shine all the time

[alldaisy]

Thanks for the advices blackstar,

 

I am able to accept and forget a lot of things. But there are just things that  I cannot accept, those things go against logic, moral, values. I cannot if I think in my grandparents, my grandparent uncles, my grandma, and a lot of people I have lost. I resist, and I will always resit when I have the reason. It is the way I am, wrong? maybe. 

 

No, the sun cannot always shine, but when the sun is not shining, we have the moon. Even if the sun and the moon cannot find each other all the time, because they were pushed as the legend says. 

[Blackstar]

I too have been distanced from much of my family, and relations are not what they once were.  Surprisingly enough, that one, I've come to terms with for the most part, and am not stressing so much about it.  I accept that those relationships may not be what they once were.  And in my experience, relationships never go back to being the same after they change.  Does it still bother me?  Yes it does.  But I have enough going on with my life not to stress over that.  If they want to talk they'll contact me.  But really everyone is busy with their own life, and quite frankly so am I.  It sounds to me like you need to accept that those relationships are not what they used to be.  Time flies, people change, they move on. They're not too concerned with losing you, so why should you be concerned with losing them?  

 

How do you spend your days?

[alldaisy]

I am concerned for people, no just for family, it is the way I am. But well, every person is an universe. That advice, of forget about, of think just in me, a lot of people have told me that. I believe It could be a good way to see life, you suffer less because you can disconnect from part of pain. But for me that is just a survival tool. People build their own walls, barriers. But I cannot think just in myself, I just, I cannot. The world out there it is more than me, than this body, that this bag of tears, pain, suffering, humiliations and all the negative things you want to put in there and continue adding in there. 

 

Here and hypothetical example.

What you do if the person you have to respect put you in jail and laugh at you, and walk in front of you waving the key of the cell and laughing at you (ah and you are innocent). Can you forget if you see him everyday doing the same thing? Can you forget if your parter break with you for that reason? Can you forget if you lose years of your life? Can you forget if the little people that you must love in your life got affected? Can you forget? Yes, you can, but you can, if that man stop doing that, and at least accept his mistakes and listen. But this is not the case. You cannot take, take, take and take as you please, laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh and destroy a person. You just cannot, it is inmoral, is unethical, is against all. And the others accepting that are as wrong as the master. 

 

My days are busy, because I want to improve my English, then I try to read a lot when I can. But my days are not even close to what I want to be. 

[Blackstar]

I understand.  That's why I said accepting things only works to a certain degree.  There comes a point when you say "no i can't possibly accept that".  It's too much, it's too ridiculous.  I know, I've been there.  I also can't just think about myself.  But if you think about it, all we are doing really IS thinking about ourselves.  Your worries, your thoughts, your anger, your fear, they're not about other people, they're about you.  They are your thoughts, they only exist is in your head.  What does being overly concerned with other people get us?  Unless you can act on your concerns, it gets you nothing and it's unhealthy.  

[alldaisy]

Is unhealthy? Yes. But I am not thinking in me. I am not the problem here, no this time. 

 

If I just focus in me, most probably I will be just fine. I will have a job and a life. But for me things are the way they are, no as others want to paint me the picture or want me to believe. I have my own set of values and ideas, and that most be respected. 

 

Tolerance? I am extremely tolerant, as you do not have idea. I have overcome things in my life that go against all kind of logic. But enough is enough. 

 

Does the zyprexa affected me? yes, in my case yes. Do I am mad because of that? I have been, but no anymore. Because I understand that I needed that medication at one point of my life and I understand that others have been helped with this drug. For me this is being tolerant. 

 

But what you cannot do, it is jump on top of a person, of an unarmed person, with knives and cross her body, one time, an another, an another and continue doing that. At least you want to kill her, and if that what you want, just shot her on the head and do not torture her more. No idea if I explained well myself, but I cannot tell things more clear than this. 

[Blackstar]

I'm understanding what you're saying except for the last paragraph.  I understand what it says - that you could never hurt an innocent person.  But why are you bringing this up?  Is someone accusing you of doing so?  Or are these the thoughts you have as part of your illness?  

[alldaisy]

Those are hypothetical thoughts, maybe I am to graphic because that is part of my illness, no idea. But what I was trying to say, it is that tolerance has a limit, it was my point with the last paragraph. No that someone is hurting me like that or that I am hurting or planning to hurt anyone this way. Then do not panic. 

[Blackstar]

Oh I didn't panic, and I wouldn't even if that was the case.  People have all sorts of thoughts.  I just didn't understand what you meant by that but now I do.  

[alldaisy]

Well, Blackstar, you do not have motive to panic, you are really far from where I live anyway . I was trying to smooth the conversation, because I get very passionate with some topics, and  I do not want to be bad interpreted. And yes, you are right, when I am feeling bad, I can say or write many things that do not really represent my true feelings. I wish, I could control my emotions, but it is really hard for me to do it. My last intention in life is or would be to hurt or offend anyone. When I go crazy, I can hurt myself, but no others, thanks god for that. 

 

Well, I am a little bit tired today, I have notice that the lack of sleep affect my cognitive functions. I just read in a magazine that the lack of sleep can also affect many others things in the body, I just hope, this is just temporary and with the medication I will get the balance I need to function, and for my body to work as should be. 

[Blackstar]

As I said, I wasn't panicking. 

 

Yeah lack of sleep is not a good thing!  I suffer from it on a regular basis.  I feel exhausted most times and it affects my ability to pay attention, among other things.  So I know how you feel. 

[alldaisy]

I wish we could feel better, sometimes I use most of the time thinking in what I can do to feel well again. I can imagine that anyone feeling like me, go through the same process, and emotions. I do not wish this to anyone. 

 

When others feel like me, I feel like there is hope, because it is the only way we could have hope to find a cure.

 

These last week I have been a little bit better. I am feeling better from time to time. But I still have some very hard times. I am not totally in balance, stable, happy, positive...I cannot focus 100% in any activity. It is so difficult for me to concentrate. 

 

Thanks for writing. It helps me. 

[alldaisy]

Hi, 

 

I have been taking invega 6 mg for about a month. Now, every time that I skip a dosage, I get a big headache. Can the invega cause that "withdraw" for just one day or two without the medication?

[alldaisy]

I am feeling really bad now, with a lot of sadness...please write me note....

[Blackstar]

Hmm I could've sworn I replied to your last post but it's not there.  

[alldaisy]

Hi Blackstar,

 

I have not see or read any post after my last one on oct 22. I am not feeling well, maybe you are happy because I am feeling sad again, it is ok if you are like the one that laugh to the pain of others. But I am not feeling well.  

[alldaisy]

Today is Thanksgiving, and most probably many will enjoy the company of family and/or friends. I am here alone, with a lot of sadness, very hurt and with a life that does not seem to exit. I have had this feeling again that it is not worthy to live. Anyway, I am not here to write again me and how I am feeling, no one never will understand why I am feeling this way. 

 

 

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you. Thanks so much for all your words and every single reply to my crazy and desperate posts. Wish you have a safe and happy day.