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For those who are feeling desperate or suicidal


mammaP

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Moderator note:  After a few hours cleaning up this thread, I must reiterate:

Please only use this thread to post HELP for those who are desperate or suicidal.

 

Please keep personal comments about your own symptoms or emotional states in your own personal introduction thread.  Please keep personal conversations in your - or your friends - personal introduction threads.

 

Any personal comments here will be deleted or moved.  This time I was kind, and moved them.  Next time, the moderator may not be so generous.

"Easy, easy - just go easy and you'll finish." - Hawaiian Kapuna

 

Holding is hard work, holding is a blessing. Give your brain time to heal before you try again.

 

My suggestions are not medical advice, you are in charge of your own medical choices.

 

A lifetime of being prescribed antidepressants that caused problems (30 years in total). At age 35 flipped to "bipolar," but was not diagnosed for 5 years. Started my journey in Midwest United States. Crossed the Pacific for love and hope; currently living in Australia.   CT Seroquel 25 mg some time in 2013.   Tapered Reboxetine 4 mg Oct 2013 to Sept 2014 = GONE (3 years on Reboxetine).     Tapered Lithium 900 to 475 MG (alternating with the SNRI) Jan 2014 - Nov 2014, tapered Lithium 475 mg Jan 2015 -  Feb 2016 = GONE (10 years  on Lithium).  Many mistakes in dry cutting dosages were made.


The tedious thread (my intro):  JanCarol ☼ Reboxetine first, then Lithium

The happy thread (my success story):  JanCarol - Undiagnosed  Off all bipolar drugs

My own blog:  https://shamanexplorations.com/shamans-blog/

 

 

I have been psych drug FREE since 1 Feb 2016!

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  • Moderator Emeritus

__________________________________

This is a RESOURCES topic

__________________________________

* NO LONGER ACTIVE on SA *

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED:  (6 year taper)      0mg Pristiq  on 13th November 2021

ADs since ~1992:  25+ years - 1 unknown, Prozac (muscle weakness), Zoloft; citalopram (pooped out) CTed (very sick for 2.5 wks a few months after); Pristiq:  50mg 2012, 100mg beg 2013 (Serotonin Toxicity)  Tapering from Oct 2015 - 13 Nov 2021   LAST DOSE 0.0025mg

Post 0 updates start here    My tapering program     My Intro (goes to tapering graph)

 VIDEO:   Antidepressant Withdrawal Syndrome and its Management

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  • 6 months later...
  • Moderator Emeritus

 

For U.S. members: 

 

The Western Mass RLC, located in Massachusetts, has a wonderful peer support lineToll Free: 888.407.4515

 

Hours are Fri-Mon, 8p.m. to midnight EST (but in June 2018 will expand to daily from 7pm-10pm, yay!).

 

It is staffed by peer support specialists who have "been there." I have called to discuss and get support for my withdrawal experiences. They know about and recommend SA too--they usually say, "Have you ever heard of the site, Surviving Antidepressants?" : ) 

 

From their Web site: As opposed to a crisis line that is answered by a clinician and focuses on whether or not you may qualify for hospitalization or respite, a peer support line is answered by a trained peer worker who has their own lived experience (with a psychiatric diagnosis, trauma, extreme or altered states, etc.) and who is there to talk and offer support.

 

I can personally highly recommend this resource.

 

 

2020: After 18+ years (entire adult life) on Paxil, a dangerous doctor-led "taper" in 2015, and four years tapering off the last 1 mg thanks to SA and the Brassmonkey slide, 

I AM COMPLETELY FREE OF PAXIL! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Forever.

 

2021: Began conservative, proper, CNS-respecting taper of Zoloft, led by the only expert on me -- me. Making own liquid. 5-10% plus holds.

2022: Holding on Zoloft for now. Current dose 47 mg. Hanging in, hanging on. Severe protracted PAWS, windows and waves. While I may not be doing "a lot" by outside standards, things are graaaaadually getting better

 

Yoga (gentle to medium); walks; daily breath practice; nutrition, fruits/veg; nature; water; EastEnders (lol); practicing self-compassion, self-care; boundaries; connection; allowing feelings; t r u s t ing that I, too, will heal. (--> may need to be reminded of this.)

"You are not alone, and this is not the end of your story." - Baylissa

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  • Moderator Emeritus
15 hours ago, Ashleyay said:

Any for india?

Hi Ashleyey, there are some for India.   Here is a link to the page where they can be found. 

 

http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/international/india-suicide-hotlines.html

**I am not a medical professional, if in doubt please consult a doctor with withdrawal knowledge.

 

 

Different drugs occasionally (mostly benzos) 1976 - 1981 (no problem)

1993 - 2002 in and out of hospital. every type of drug + ECT. Staring with seroxat

2002  effexor. 

Tapered  March 2012 to March 2013, ending with 5 beads.

Withdrawal April 2013 . Reinstated 5 beads reduced to 4 beads May 2013

Restarted taper  Nov 2013  

OFF EFFEXOR Feb 2015    :D 

Tapered atenolol and omeprazole Dec 2013 - May 2014

 

Tapering tramadol, Feb 2015 100mg , March 2015 50mg  

 July 2017 30mg.  May 15 2018 25mg

Taking fish oil, magnesium, B12, folic acid, bilberry eyebright for eye pressure. 

 

My story http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4199-hello-mammap-checking-in/page-33

 

Lesson learned, slow down taper at lower doses. Taper no more than 10% of CURRENT dose if possible

 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Some thoughts:

 

I hope you can hold on and let this feeling pass.  You may believe it's a decision you have made based on what you feel is evidence.  However, there are emotions all intertwined within what you believe is "logical" thinking.   Tomorrow, you may make a different decision.  Always wait for tomorrow.  If you have no waiver in your decision for weeks, then that would be surprising.

 

What kept me alive was what my suicide would do to my daughter and my husband.  You should read accounts of what people feel when someone they love does that.  It's important that you know all the consequences because part of what your brain does is make you focus on all the reasons why you "should" do it and avoid all the reasons why you shouldn't.  You must question your brain at these times because it tends to betray you a bit.  You should make a list of all the reasons why you SHOULDN'T do it.  You owe yourself that much before you take any action, right?  

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/16629-rosetta-ct-may-2011-too-fast-taper-feb-2017/?page=25

2001-2011 Celexa 10 mg raised to 40 mg then 60 mg over this time period

May 2011 OB Doctor's Cold switch Celexa 60 mg to 10 mg Zoloft sertraline (baby born)

2012-2016 - Doctors raised dose of Zoloft up to 150 mg

2016 - Xanax prescribed - as needed - 0.5 mg about every 3 days (bad reaction)

2016 - Stopped Xanax

Late 2016- Began (too fast) taper of Zoloft

Early 2017 - Trazodone prescribed for bedtime (doseage unknown)

Feb 2017 - Completed taper/stopped Trazodone

Drug free since Feb 2017

2017 - Unisom otc very rarely for sleep

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I agree, Rosetta. “Always wait until tomorrow.”  That thought has saved my life perhaps hundreds of times. I would add “reach out to a safe person” be it someone you know or as Brass monkey advocated, the suicide hotline. 

 

Thank you you for letting us know she is still here. There has been a surge of people taking their own lives this week it seems. However it feels like celebs get so much attention, when the reality is, suicide happens more than it should and a lot of that is still caused by the societal stigma of depression and mental health issues. I keep thinking it is getting better but when I continue to hear   that suicide “is a selfish act” it makes my blood boil. 

 

We are are here for each other. That is what defines SA. 

 

Grace

  • amitriptyline from 1980-2002,
  • intermittent  use of benzos over 2 decades prior to 2002
  • 2002-2010 Klonopin 1-2 mg., ambien 10--20, mg, remeron 4 mg. and  trileptal 300 mg
  • 2011 Stopped ambien and crossed over to valium 17.5 mg. (updosing 2.5 mg. to cover ambien C/T )
  • tapered valium w/ long holds to 12.74 mg. from a high of approximately 20-30 mg/day
  • 2015-present tapered trileptal aggressively for a year; now intermittently; interacts w/ other drugs
  • currently 2024 still on 96 mg. trileptal and 4 mg. remeron
  •  Currently on benzo hold as I have to cross-over from brand-name valium to generic diazepam.  
  • Current dose of diazepam is 8.8 and valium is 5.7.  I had to up-dose the total valium/diazepam from 12.74 to 14.5 where I have stayed since June 2023.  I am crossing over to generic at a somewhat tolerable rate of .3mg/month after about 2 months of trial/error w/ updosing.  I am not currently tapering; will continue to cross over. 

 

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  • 3 months later...

Limerick Suicide Watch has just launched an app which gives links to crisis support services in the midwest of Ireland. It can be downloaded at http://www.limericksuicidewatch.ie

 

 

And here is an article from "Mad in America": Alternatives to Suicide: Strategies for Staying Alive, by Carlene Byron, https://www.madinamerica.com/2018/09/alternatives-suicide-staying-alive/

Jan 2023: Venlafaxine XR 100 mg, Lorazepam 0.25 mg, Oestradiol 100 micrograms

Dec 2022: Venlafaxine XR 100 mg, Lorazepam 0.25 mg. HRT stopped for hysterectomy surgery 5 Dec 22 (potential clotting risk)

September 2022: Venlafaxine XR 100 mg, Lorazepam 0.25 mg, Oestradiol 100 micrograms, Progesterone 100 mg.

Apologies but I can't remember or find details at the moment, but I slowly reduced Venlafaxine and Lorazepam through 2020-2021-2022.

Jan 2022: HRT increased by GP for unknown reason to oestradiol patch 100 microg, progresterone 100 mg

June 2021: started HRT (oestradiol patch 50 microg, progresterone 100 mg). 

August 2020:  Made a 16% reduction in Lorazepam at psychiatrist's recommendation (1.25 mg) while holding Venlafaxine at 150 mg.

March 2019 - March 2020: Venlafaxine  XR tapered from  337.5 mg  to 150 mg (60% reduction), while continuing 1.5 mg Lorazepam.

March 2016 - January 2019: Mirtazapine taptered to 0, while continuing on 1.5 mg Lorazepam and 375 mg Venlafaxine XR.

Feb. 2015: 7.5 mg Mirtazapine + 1.5 mg Lorazepam + 375 mg Venlafaxine.

 

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  • 3 months later...
  • Moderator Emeritus

* NO LONGER ACTIVE on SA *

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED:  (6 year taper)      0mg Pristiq  on 13th November 2021

ADs since ~1992:  25+ years - 1 unknown, Prozac (muscle weakness), Zoloft; citalopram (pooped out) CTed (very sick for 2.5 wks a few months after); Pristiq:  50mg 2012, 100mg beg 2013 (Serotonin Toxicity)  Tapering from Oct 2015 - 13 Nov 2021   LAST DOSE 0.0025mg

Post 0 updates start here    My tapering program     My Intro (goes to tapering graph)

 VIDEO:   Antidepressant Withdrawal Syndrome and its Management

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  • 3 months later...
  • Administrator

Samaritans NYC 24/7 212-673-3000

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • Moderator Emeritus

A couple of additional resources(USA):

 

https://www.thehotline.org/help/

^ The National Domestic Violence hotline will take confidential calls 24/7 (by those affected or those concerned about those who may be affected)

It's staffed 24/7 for direct phone contact.

 

https://www.auntbertha.com/

by zipcode, and then will offer help finding help for the basics of food, shelter, and medical care.  This one just offers up listings of local services, and then phone #'s to them.

(not staffed for direct phone contact)

Edited by manymoretodays

Late 2023- gone to emeritus status, inactive, don't @ me, I can check who I've posted on, and I'm not really here like I used to be......thanks.

Started with psycho meds/psychiatric care circa 1988.  In retrospect, and on contemplation, situational overwhelm.

Rounding up to 30 years of medications(30 medication trials, poly-pharmacy maximum was 3 at one time).

5/28/2015-off Adderal salts 2.5mg. (I had been on that since hospital 10/2014)

12/2015---just holding, holding, holding, with trileptal/oxcarb at 75 mg. 1/2 tab at hs.  My last psycho med ever!  Tapered @ 10% every 4 weeks, sometimes 2 weeks to

2016 Dec 16 medication free!!

Longer signature post here, with current supplements.

Herb and alcohol free since 5/15/2016.  And.....I quit smoking 11/2021. Lapsed.  Redo of quit smoking 9/28/2022, and again finally 5/25/24.  Can you say Hallelujah?(took me long enough)💜

None of my posts are intended as medical advice.  Please discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical provider.  My success story:  Blue skies ahead, clear sailing

 

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  • 10 months later...

Hello-  it is so good to be able to read this thread.  I am four months off of lexapro.  I am so despondent, suicidal feeling.  I know how tragic this would be to my kids, and that’s why I don’t do it.  I want to know that the neuroemotions are going to get better.  I’m not convinced all my symptoms are withdrawal from antidepressants.   I need to know that you can be in the most desperate and hopeless situation and that things can get better again,  if not, there is no use living through this,

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Hi williamg, @williamg

Yes, the neuroemotions do get so much better.  And it does help to know what is going on, as far as WD(withdrawal goes).

(((((williamg))))), those are hugs.

 

Would you start an introduction topic for yourself here:

Just go to the Introductions forum  and then push the Green, start new topic button.  That way we can all get to know you.

Edited by manymoretodays
added@for notification

Late 2023- gone to emeritus status, inactive, don't @ me, I can check who I've posted on, and I'm not really here like I used to be......thanks.

Started with psycho meds/psychiatric care circa 1988.  In retrospect, and on contemplation, situational overwhelm.

Rounding up to 30 years of medications(30 medication trials, poly-pharmacy maximum was 3 at one time).

5/28/2015-off Adderal salts 2.5mg. (I had been on that since hospital 10/2014)

12/2015---just holding, holding, holding, with trileptal/oxcarb at 75 mg. 1/2 tab at hs.  My last psycho med ever!  Tapered @ 10% every 4 weeks, sometimes 2 weeks to

2016 Dec 16 medication free!!

Longer signature post here, with current supplements.

Herb and alcohol free since 5/15/2016.  And.....I quit smoking 11/2021. Lapsed.  Redo of quit smoking 9/28/2022, and again finally 5/25/24.  Can you say Hallelujah?(took me long enough)💜

None of my posts are intended as medical advice.  Please discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical provider.  My success story:  Blue skies ahead, clear sailing

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

  

On 11/26/2019 at 6:30 AM, Gridley said:

@Hell

 

Sadly, many of us have felt that we simply cannot carry on. Most of us here have been in that situation, some as a side effect of medication and others from withdrawal. It is a feeling that is all consuming and taunts us day and night. We are all deeply saddened to see a fellow member feeling so low and being powerless to help. We are not professionals and not equipped to offer the support and guidance that is needed, but are here to offer understanding and empathy.  

 

What you are feeling is real, it is devastating and it hurts, but it will get better.  In the meantime it is important that you talk to someone. Talking about your feelings will help you to deal with them. There are many agencies that have helplines dedicated to helping people who are suicidal and I am going to post links to some organisations that can offer the support that we can't.  

 

Talking helps us to put things into perspective and release some of the tension, especially when no-one seems to understand or believe what we are going through. If you are religious then maybe someone at your church will understand and listen without judgement. 

 

I have found helplines extremely helpful in the past, sometimes talking to a stranger who doesn't know you is easier. They  have no preconceptions and do not judge you, simply listen as you pour out your heart.

 

 If the feelings are overwhelming then call the emergency room, or accident and emergency department of your local hospital. 

 

We at SA care about you very much and want to see you get better, it is devastating for all of us when someone cannot take any more and wish we could do more but we are limited in what we can offer.

 

Just moving this back , from members topic.  Nicely said Gridley!  ❤️

Late 2023- gone to emeritus status, inactive, don't @ me, I can check who I've posted on, and I'm not really here like I used to be......thanks.

Started with psycho meds/psychiatric care circa 1988.  In retrospect, and on contemplation, situational overwhelm.

Rounding up to 30 years of medications(30 medication trials, poly-pharmacy maximum was 3 at one time).

5/28/2015-off Adderal salts 2.5mg. (I had been on that since hospital 10/2014)

12/2015---just holding, holding, holding, with trileptal/oxcarb at 75 mg. 1/2 tab at hs.  My last psycho med ever!  Tapered @ 10% every 4 weeks, sometimes 2 weeks to

2016 Dec 16 medication free!!

Longer signature post here, with current supplements.

Herb and alcohol free since 5/15/2016.  And.....I quit smoking 11/2021. Lapsed.  Redo of quit smoking 9/28/2022, and again finally 5/25/24.  Can you say Hallelujah?(took me long enough)💜

None of my posts are intended as medical advice.  Please discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical provider.  My success story:  Blue skies ahead, clear sailing

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus
29 minutes ago, manymoretodays said:

Nicely said Gridley! 

Credit goes to MammaP.

Gridley Introduction

 

Lexapro 20 mg since 2004.  Begin Brassmonkey Slide Taper Jan. 2017.   

End 2017 year 1 of taper at 9.25mg 

End 2018 year 2 of taper at 4.1mg

End 2019 year 3 of taper at 1.0mg  

Oct. 30, 2020  Jump to zero from 0.025mg.  Current dose: 0.000mg

3 year, 10 month taper is 100% complete.

 

Ativan 1 mg to 1.875mg 1986-2020, two CT's and reinstatements

Nov. 2020, 7-week Ativan-Valium crossover to 18.75mg Valium

Feb. 2021, begin 10%/4 week taper of 18.75mg Valium 

End 2021  year 1 of Valium taper at 6mg

End 2022 year 2 of Valium taper at 2.75mg 

End 2023 year 3 of Valium taper at 1mg

Jan. 24, 2024: Hold at 1mg and shift to Imipramine taper.

Taper is 95% complete.

 

Imipramine 75 mg daily since 1986.  Jan.-Sept. 2016 tapered to 14.4mg  

March 22, 2022: Begin 10%/4 week taper

Aug. 5, 2022: hold at 9.5mg and shift to Valium taper

Jan. 24, 2024: Resume Imipramine taper.  Current dose as of June 28: 5mg

Taper is 93% complete.  

  

Supplements: multiple, quercetin, omega-3, vitamins C, E and D3, magnesium glycinate, probiotic, zinc, melatonin .3mg, iron, serrapeptase, nattokinase, L-Glutamine


I am not a medical professional and this is not medical advice but simply information based on my own experience, as well as other members who have survived these drugs.

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  • 1 month later...

 @mammaP this symptom is by for my worst and all these  resources are literally life savers. Thank you 🙏 I wish well. 

Lexapro Fast Track/ Cold Turkey

Last dose end Dec 2018 

Tapered 1/2 a daily dose a week (20mg) for  14 weeks, last dose was a 20 mg pill!!  

 3.5 times slower than Psychiatrist recommended, I felt proud of myself!! Little did I know!!!!Got too scared to reinstate because I’d left it too long.

On ADs for 20 years (Prozac approx 10 years/ Pristiq approx 3 years/ Citalipram approx 2 years/. Lexapro a approx  5 years/. Last two years 40mgs Lexapro day.

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  • 5 months later...
On 12/30/2016 at 11:22 PM, Dez said:

My uncle calls the Suicide Prevention Lifeline and just talks to them. They listen to him for hours if he needs to just talk. I think that these people want others to call no matter the crisis, just that the person calling is in need of someone to listen. After all, emotional distress to some people is a terrible crisis.

 

I've dealt with suicidal thoughts only recently due to problems with medications and the withdrawals afterward. It's very terrifying. I've made a promise to people that I would never do anything to get myself off this planet. I hate breaking promises and that keeps me going most times. Other times, I try to imagine those closest to me, their lives without me, and realize that they'd be emotionally crippled if I left. Your family loves you, your friends love you, the people on here love you, strangers love you, I love you. Someone somewhere loves you. Their world would be darker without you as their beam of light, even if it's just a single beam.

 

Think about those out there you have yet to meet, someone who needs you, whether it's simple advice or a lifelong friendship. We may be a drop in the sea, but we all make ripples, and those can turn into waves.

I know it's 4 years later, but thanks a lot for writing this.

Current:

Sodhium Divalproate (1g from December 2020)
Flunitrazepam (2mg from January 2021)

Detoxing from methadone until May of this year (2021) started from 60mg and now am at 40mg
(soon to begin again) Ketamine treatment for suicidal ideation

 

Past Psychiatric drugs:

Topiramate zero (May 2019)100mg (April 2019), 150mg (01 April 2019), 200mg (Sep 2018), 300mg (Aug 30 2018), 400mg (May 2018), 500mg (prior [reaching 600mg at some point])

Lamotrigine zero (May2019), 100mg (April2019) 400mg (prior [reaching 500-600mg at some point])
Ziprasidone - zero (November 2018), 80mg (Aug 2018), 160mg (prior)
Aripiprazole - zero (March 2019), 5mg (Jan 28 2019), 10mg (prior)

Clozapine - zero (300mg until changing to Ziprasidone May 2018)
And others

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  • 7 months later...
On 7/30/2015 at 8:56 PM, Altostrata said:

Please note, folks -- Thinking of suicide is not unusual and, by itself, is not a mental disorder, nor is it "suicidality." Many people think of suicide as one of their options when confronting a difficult life problem.

 

Please do not add to your distress by considering yourself mentally damaged because you consider suicide, and therefore make yourself more desperate.
 
The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets successfully through many a bad night.
—Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil

 

Not everyone is happy all the time. Some people have gloomy dispositions. Having negative thoughts might be something you need to accept in yourself. With self-acceptance will come a greater peace.

Bless you, ******.

1980s: First diagnosed with depression. Treated with a tricyclic. 1988: Switched to Prozac 20 mg.  1990s to 2010: On and off Prozac. Increased dose led to side effects. 2011: Put on Zyprexa. 2011: Work burnout and breakdown. Hospitalized for suicidal depression. Switched to Seroquel. Switched to Celexa 40 mg and lithium 300 mg. 2019: Stopped Seroquel. 

2020 July: Decreased Celexa to 30 mg in attempt to alleviate sexual dysfunction. Worked somewhat.

2020 August: Decreased Celexa to 20 mg. Sexual function improved but w/d effects started. 

2020 September: Maintaining Celexa at 20 mg. Experiencing w/d effects - fatigue, dysphoria, mood instability

2020 September 13: Increased Celexa to 30 mg due to w/d effects. Still on lithium 300 mg/day.

2020 October 3: Reduced Celexa to 27 mg. Started taper. 10% per month as recommended.

2020 October 18: Reduced to 24 mg.

2020 December 4: Reduced to 21 mg.

2020 December 23: Reduced to 20 mg (spacing out taper intervals due to persistent w/d effects)

2021 September 23: Several reductions over the past 9 months to 7.0 mg. Stressful life circumstances led me to feeling very depressed with suicidal feelings, so upped to the dose to 10 mg until I feel better. 

 

 

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Just a comment to help those who are despondent.

 

After 16 months tapering on citalopram, I recently had a wave of suicidal thoughts and feelings I haven’t had for a long time. (I am staying steady on 7 mg until I stabilize.)

 

But rather than lasting for months as it did when I was on 40 mg, plus quetiapine, plus lithium, it lasted only a week. In other words, it was a w/d symptom and not a sign of depressive relapse. So….hang in there. I tell myself that every time I’m in a bad wave, especially if depression rears its ugly head. This too shall pass. 
 

Bruce

1980s: First diagnosed with depression. Treated with a tricyclic. 1988: Switched to Prozac 20 mg.  1990s to 2010: On and off Prozac. Increased dose led to side effects. 2011: Put on Zyprexa. 2011: Work burnout and breakdown. Hospitalized for suicidal depression. Switched to Seroquel. Switched to Celexa 40 mg and lithium 300 mg. 2019: Stopped Seroquel. 

2020 July: Decreased Celexa to 30 mg in attempt to alleviate sexual dysfunction. Worked somewhat.

2020 August: Decreased Celexa to 20 mg. Sexual function improved but w/d effects started. 

2020 September: Maintaining Celexa at 20 mg. Experiencing w/d effects - fatigue, dysphoria, mood instability

2020 September 13: Increased Celexa to 30 mg due to w/d effects. Still on lithium 300 mg/day.

2020 October 3: Reduced Celexa to 27 mg. Started taper. 10% per month as recommended.

2020 October 18: Reduced to 24 mg.

2020 December 4: Reduced to 21 mg.

2020 December 23: Reduced to 20 mg (spacing out taper intervals due to persistent w/d effects)

2021 September 23: Several reductions over the past 9 months to 7.0 mg. Stressful life circumstances led me to feeling very depressed with suicidal feelings, so upped to the dose to 10 mg until I feel better. 

 

 

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  • 10 months later...
  • Moderator

In the United States they have instituted a new emergency phone service that includes help for people contemplating suicide. It is available all day, every day by dialing 988.

 

FOR HELP DIAL 988

20 years on Paxil starting at 20mg and working up to 40mg. Sept 2011 started 10% every 6 weeks taper (2.5% every week for 4 weeks then hold for 2 additional weeks), currently at 7.9mg. Oct 2011 CTed 15oz vodka a night, to only drinking 2 beers most nights, totally sober Feb 2013.

Since I wrote this I have continued to decrease my dose by 10% every 6 weeks (2.5% every week for 4 weeks and then hold for an additional 2 weeks). I added in an extra 6 week hold when I hit 10mg to let things settle out even more. When I hit 3mgpw it became hard to split the drop into 4 parts so I switched to dropping 1mgpw (pill weight) every week for 3 weeks and then holding for another 3 weeks.  The 3 + 3 schedule turned out to be too harsh so I cut back to dropping 1mgpw every 4 weeks which is working better.

Final Dose 0.016mg.     Current dose 0.000mg 04-15-2017

 

"It's also important not to become angry, no matter how difficult life is, because you can loose all hope if you can't laugh at yourself and at life in general."  Stephen Hawking

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  • 3 weeks later...

In Italy

Samaritans: 06 77208977

 

Telefono amico: 0223272327

WhatsApp 324 011 72 52

 

Edited by ChessieCat
unbolded
  • From 1998 to 2008 paroxetine; from september 2008 to april 2010 escitalopram; from february 2011 to july 2011 escitalopram; from september 2011 to march 2013 venlafaxine 75 mg; from march 2013 to september 2013 venlafaxine 37,5 mg; from january 2014 to august 2016 venlafaxine 75 mg; september 2016 to december 2016 venlafaxine 37,5; march 2017 to october 2017 venlafaxine 75 mg (problems not working); from december 2018 to august 2018 escitalopram 10 ; from december 2018 to july 2019 sertraline 50 mg; last attempt (disaster) vortioxetine 27 november 2019- 5 february 2020 CTed; now almost 10 month SSRI free
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  • 4 weeks later...
On 12/23/2014 at 6:10 AM, mammaP said:

Please share experiences here and how you overcame this awful compulsion. It may give hope to others who are now going through the same nightmare. 

 

I hope this story helps anyone struggling with thoughts of hopelessness. I promise you; I've been there.

 

I used to be deeply suicidal. I take delight in being able to say this. I used to be deeply suicidal.

 

I was a very sickly child, having to be resuscitated at birth and undergoing major surgeries at age 7 and onward which hospitalized me for several weeks at a time. The trauma from those experiences, the isolation from my young peers, this all contributed to a deep depression at a young age and an exhaustion with life's challenges. I struggled greatly with suicide for most of my life, on a few occasions institutionalized for up to 6 weeks after a 5150 (involuntary psychiatric hold, police involvement).

 

Ironically, while I was in one of these facilities, I suffered a completely unrelated, extremely rare medical condition. Hypereosinophilic Syndrome. I had sepsis, I stopped breathing, my organs were shutting down. All right there in the lobby of the psych facility while morning meds were being administered. The ONLY reason I survived this ordeal was because I happened to be suicidal. I happened to be in a facility within walking distance of a very good hospital. I was not alone at home, a fair distance away, where I would have died in my living room. I was placed in a coma for 15 days; my family was told to prepare for the worst. Diagnosticians from UCLA were flown to my hospital to determine what was wrong, Doctor House style, and treated me. I woke up alive and well (albeit paralyzed from muscular atrophy, with tubes and IVs everywhere, and feeling a sense of horrific fear and confusion) on Thanksgiving Day.

 

I do not believe in fate, or God, or anything supernatural (I gave up my religious faith at a young age, but I sympathize and respect people of all faiths) but I do believe that we can and must derive meaning from our experiences. Although that experience was deeply traumatic and I struggle still with the trauma, that experience taught me that I don't want to die. Not truly. I just want to escape my pain. I don't want to be exhausted. In fact, I want to live quite badly. This is my one shot at life, and I've had some tremendous luck. I must capitalize on this beautiful opportunity I have. Being a human being on planet Earth in the 21st century, in a cosmic sense, is an unbelievable gift.

 

Through therapy, particularly Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, I learned to develop an antagonistic relationship with my suicidal thoughts. Rather than the oppressor, this dominating force that defined my existence, suicide became my enemy. My choices began to reflect this combative attitude.

 

"I'm going to exercise more, since being healthy and more confident will make me less suicidal."

"I'm going to force myself to do something productive today, because the sense of achievement after having done the thing will give me something to live for today."

"I'm going to make plans with my friends, because reinforcing my support system and building bonds will be important during harder times, and these good memories will be a foundation for my will to live. My isolation is damaging."

 

Virtually every decision I make today is weighed by its effects on my suicidality. I am desperately trying to save my own life, and I am person who tends to succeed when I put my mind to something. I stopped abusing drugs, because while they help with the "feelings" of suicidality, they ultimately were creating a life that was drawing me closer to the *decision* of suicide. The cycle of addiction, financial stress, withdrawal, maintenance, side effects. I reduced my caffeine intake to one cup of half-caff in the mornings to reduce my anxiety and improve my sleep hygiene. I joined groups like this because a sense of community and relating with others is important when struggling with suicide. I forced myself to take on new hobbies and interests, to be kind to myself and explore the world. I treat myself the way I would treat my best friend, because I am my best friend. We all should be our own best friend.

 

To summarize, I've decided that suicide is the enemy, not the oppressor. My decisions are carefully calculated for maximum "will to live efficiency." Scrolling through social media for 20 minutes, for example, might be a mindless distraction, but I realize now that social media makes me feel slightly worse each time. Therefor I decide to reduce my exposure. It is a fight; it is a winnable fight. The solution, for me, was to start fighting for my life through my moment-to-moment decision making. I will not kill myself. There was a time when "I knew I would."

 

I hope that others struggling with this find a way to become the aggressor in their relationship with suicide, rather than the victim. Observe every decision you make, every thought you have, and try to determine if those choices and thoughts are taking you one way or the other. Adjust your habits and decision making, try to discard thought patterns that are harmful, be generous in your thoughts toward yourself and others. Let all of these small victories snowball into a momentous victory rush. Change is gradual, and the many small choices you make to protect yourself from this enemy are part of that gradual process. 

 

 

 

2014-2015 Clonazepam (Klonopin) 2mg BID, Sertraline (Zoloft) 150mg (Discontinued Clonazepam cold turkey)

2014-August 2021 Sertraline (Zoloft) 150mg (Discontinued cold turkey in hospital, replaced with new regimen)

August 2021 Sodium Valproate 500mg (Depakote), Quetiapine 150mg (Seroquel)

May 2022 Sodium Valproate 500mg (Depakote), Quetiapine 150mg (Seroquel), Hydroxyzine 25mg PRN, Mirtazapine 15mg

July 2022 Sodium Valproate (Depakote) 500mg, Quetiapine 200mg (Seroquel), Hydroxyzine 25mg PRN, Venlafaxine 75mg (roughly 10 days)

August 1 2022 Sodium Valproate 500mg (Depakote)Quetiapine 100mg (Seroquel), Hydroxyzine 25mg PRN, Buspirone 10mg (5-7 days)

August 14 2022 Sodium Valproate 250mg (Depakote), Quetiapine 100mg (Seroquel), Hydroxyzine 25mg PRN

September 7 2022 Sodium Valproate 250mg (Depakote), Quetiapine 50mg (Seroquel), Hydroxyzine 25mg PRN

September 22 2022 Sodium Valproate 250mg (Depakote), Quetiapine 25mg (Seroquel), Hydroxyzine 25mg PRN

October 9 2022 Sodium Valproate 250mg (Depakote), Quetiapine 12.5mg (Seroquel)

October 26 2022 Sodium Valproate 250mg (Depakote), Quetiapine 0.0mg (Seroquel) - #1 Goal Achieved

November 18 2022 Sodium Valproate 0.0mg (Depakote) Drug Free!

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  • 1 year later...
On 7/31/2015 at 11:16 PM, gemini said:

I have accepted the bleakness of the present and the future. Bleakness as a fait accomoplis is what's getting me through. At least I have a comfy bed and a flat screen TV.

Man, this is so relatable.  

Zoloft  3/2022 4 doses- adverse reaction

Lexapro  4/2022 10mg

Taper began 6/2022: 5.0mg

End of 2022: 3.2mg

End of 2023: 1.8mg

2024 taper:

2/3/24: 1.76mg

3/2/24: 1.7mg

4/15/24: WD symptoms 

4/24/24: updose 1.72mg
Propranolol  30mg 3x day 4/15/2425mg 3x day 5/13/24 

 

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I thought I was out, but they pulled me back in again!

 

Seriously, I have tried to kill myself once.
It was drug side-effects. (Anhedonia, the reason I joined the site, over all others)

 

Risperidone. The dose was increased so quickly, in 2 months!

I was only 16! And taking An SSRI (Sertraline 100mg) Already!

 

I tried to kill myself after 2 weeks on 1.5mg Risperidone and 100mg Sertraline.

I was walking around shaking and acting like a crazy person in a mental hospital, like you see in movies.

 

I had family who saved me when I took an O.D. of stuff.
911! It was firemen? (They were a paramedic unit) I chose between, activated charcoal or a stomach pump at the hospital.
I drank the Charcoal. Saved my life. That is the closest I have come to death!

 

I hate cuts. I'm NOT a wimp. People think I am crazy. I do have one tattoo... A "stick and poke."

With proper ink. I did it myself. And with one friend. Till he was too rough, and I was bleeding a lot.

 

I worked with a lady who hurt herself. Her arms...

 

OK, I don't comment a lot. But SUICIDE is serious. I know people and...

Don't do it. There are people who care and will be there.
It's hard, but sometimes you have to look for the friends, through all the people ignoring you.

(I lost a friend on Christmas day) You only live once.

Unless you believe in reincarnation or something.

 

OK? Please?

It is a final choice that ends with other's you knew hurting, for sure.

I don't want to make anyone feel guilty. But "A parent should never bury a child." It hurts a lot.

If you don't have family, or they are not so great, there is always someone who cares.
 

Edited by CharlieBrown
typo

I Am Not A Medical Professional! 👨‍⚕️

 

Prescribed Various SSRI's/SNRI, Benzos and One Anti-Psychotic at 16, in 2009.

Fluoxetine 10mg - 1 Month. Switch to Venlafaxine 75-150mg for 3-5 months. Switch to Sertraline 50-100mg for 6-9 months. Risperidone added. (Suicide attempt, Akathisia) Cold turkey. Eventual taper of Sertraline.

Clonazepam 0.5mg 1X daily for 1 month, as I switched from Venlafaxine to Sertraline. About 3 months of Sertraline with no improvement, Risperidone was added @ 0.25mg-0.5mg for one week. Then raised to 0.75 and 1mg after another week. With 100mg Sertraline daily. Then raised to 1.5Mg after a check-up.

Sudden stop of Risperidone. After suicide attempt.

A self-taper, because I didn't trust doctors. Removing Sertraline XR beads from 100mg capsules, over 5-9 months. Which I would consider too hasty, in retrospect. I am recovered from all medication side effects!

My success story: 

I have taken many prescriptions/drugs, with/without a script. Most any prescription/illicit/grey market drug type. Searching for relief from/as, anxiety/Sleep-aids. All drugs are long ago. By God's will, I will stop smoking.

He's saved me more than once.

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