success ☼ scottly9999: Lexapro nightmare

[scottly9999]

Hi Lex

 

My thinking is summarized this way...

I was on 2mg for ages, then went to 1.8mg, then 1.6mg in about 4 weeks - then got really sick - towards top of this page 7... and paniced thinking it was WD - when it was (I think) just a virus... that mimiced some WD.

I went back to 2mg.

I stayed there for a month - never really felt great though, so went to a lower dose regardless.

Then I realized I was on the same bottle for 3+ months.

Everytime I've got towards end of a bottle, I tend to get wobbly and find the WD worse.

IT could just be coincidence.

 

So to test that theory - that the liquid was "stale", that is why I'm "testing" a lower dose - to see what effect that has on me.

I'm yet to get my new 10mg/ml bottle.

Depending on how I feel in next few days, that'll decide what dose I'll stick to.

 

I'm at 1mg of the old liquid.  So this is a bit of a test to see if I have actually effectively self-tapered to a lower dose than I THOUGHT, due to the liquid losing it's effectiveness.

[LexAnger]

Thanks for explaining, Scott!

 

Fingers crossed for you.

Hope once you have the new bottle, no more doubt.

 

I'm guessing you may have some reaction to the dose increase during the month you went back to 2, and going down actually made it better.

 

Anyway, you are doing great which is the only thing matters.

[scottly9999]

I'm prepared to go back to 1.5mg if I suffer adverse effects.

I do have a strange burning feeling in my feet - which also feels a bit like needling - which when I wrote earlier, I didn't have.

PLUS it's also extra dangerous at a lower level - I'm right at the "UH OH" point of SERT saturation on the dose I'm at.

It just feels like the drug isn't affecting my system much currently - almost like that last nasty wave of depression was it leaving my system.

But I could be sorely mistaken.

 

I just don' tknow - nobody does.

 

Just fingers crossed and high hopes!!!

[scottly9999]

Update

Ok, last 12 hours or so, I noticed I started to feel a bit tingly all over, and small hot flashes.

Also this morning started to feel like possible brain zaps creeping in.

So I've taken these as a sign that the liquid is still effective, and my drop to 1mg from 1.5mg was a little too big.

Mood wise I'm fine - which is lovely!

So I've opened my new bottle this morning and taken 1.2mg

 

Update on liquid Lexapro in Australia - I specifically asked Doctor for 10mg/ml - he re-wrote the script for me.

I took it to Chemist Warehouse on Saturday - told them I doubt you'll have this in stock...

5 mins later - chemist told me that they would have to order it.

Monday night at the latest.

Tuesday night (last night) no word, so I called them... they received it, but haven't sorted the big order yet.

Ok.

I go down there, and get the usual "They don't make the 10mg/ml anymore - so I had to call the doctor to get him to change the sciprt to 20mg/ml"

Hmmmm - why does your website show ONLY the 10mg/ml bottle!??  As well as tablets in various doses.

It really seems odd that that it's so hard to get a hold of the 10mg/ml bottle!

It's also equally frustrating as the 20mg/ml bottle only has the stupid DROPPER lid.

I just swap the lids on the bottles and away I go.

[scottly9999]

Small update

Ok - 2 days now of 1.2mg of Lexapro from a fresh bottle

And I'm positive I can "feel" its affects - albeit slightly, but none-the-less there.

 

I really do think that I was effectively taking almost no Lexapro on the expired bottle.

[LexAnger]

Hmm, this is tricky. what are you going to do?

[scottly9999]

Hi Lex

I'm also very tired - so could be related to just that.

But I'll just keep tapering.. sit at 1.2mg for a while, then 1mg, and just keep going.

And eventually the drop off point will be there.

But if thats a preview of what I'll be like med-free, I LIKED IT!  :-)

[LexAnger]

Good thought!

It sounds a good plan as long as the effect you are feeling now is not too strong and bad. I doubt the old bottle is completely ineffective, could be less effective though.

 

I'm very excited you are moving rather smoothly at this low dose.

[LexAnger]

Oh, what effect you are feeling from the new bottle?

[scottly9999]

Hi Lex

 

thanks again for the lovely encouragement!!

I can feel an effect - it's very very subtle - on the fresh bottle.

I think that the old bottle was not quite right - towards the end, for sure.

I reckon it was prob only about 50% effective.  Enough to keep me from being in complete withdrawal, but not enough that it was doing much.

Most of my symptoms have subsided again.

I do feel a TAD rundown, but have had 3 nights in a row of not great sleep - due to going to bed late, and waking in night for a while.

I don't put that down to WD, but it caught up with me.

I played a round of golf on Saturday - and played squash during the week.

Which is a BIG thing for me - as I don't normally get much exercise.

I was phsycally stuffed after yesterday's golf though - very hilly course, and not great sleep before.

Slept last night for about 10+ hours, felt great on waking.

 

The overall effect I feel is the slight numbing and less real and feeling subdued effect of Lexapro again.

My mood is quite good though overall.

 

I'm having problems with a wisdom tooth, and it's infected around the area - just feel a little "rundown", but otherwise ok.

[LexAnger]

Great you figured all out and are on right track from now on!

I can confirm that lex side effect I got is also sever sluggish and DR, also when I start to bite my teeth tightly, I know another drop is due.

[scottly9999]

Update time.

 

Ok, def slid back with a wave of WD again.

I started to exercise a bit, played 2 games of squash - 1 week apart, and played some golf on Saturday just gone.

BUt have been riddled with muscle aches and terrible body pain since.

Not just muscle stiffness - but more the feverish muscle aches you get from the flu etc - so I can TELL it's WD, and not just being unfit.

It seems lately that if I get a physical thing that would cause me discomfort, WD seems to amplify it's effect, to make it worse.

ALso a few more mouth ulcers, and an overall feelign of being REALLY run-down.  Really really fatigued again.

ALso - the "cotton wool" or numbing sensation has grown in strength - since starting new bottle.

 

So I'm currently getting both a wave of WD AND the horrible numbing SSRI effect.

 

I can survive, but only just.

 

My wife has bounced back into life - after having her back procedure for her chronic back pain.

WHich is great, but I think she feels I'm making more of the WD symptoms than they are, or that I should be better by now - or I'm not taking much SSRI, so why is it still bad?

SHe's been great, but possibly losing patience.

 

Mood is ok, a bit flat.

[scottly9999]

Update

Unfortunately, the muscle aches only intensified since last update.

I developed a few mouth ulcers too - which is also something that accompanied a noticeable drop in dose.

However, this time I felt quite hot, and hot flashes.

feel very unwell.

I've got a partially erupted wisdom tooth - that has been "tasting nasty" for quite a while (define quite a while = a few years).

So I've got an appointment with Dentist today just to make sure that it's not infected badly... it clearly is from the taste.

I feel like I've got an infection - but initially thought it was withdrawals.

Either way - I'll probably get a solid round of anti-biotics to possibly clear it up.

 

Feel very unwell atm.

Mood is ok - considering!!  COuld be a lot better.

Hurts to talk, tweaked my neck other morning too - so yeah, not enjoying my body just now....  :-(

 

Hope everybody else is doing better than me!

[LexAnger]

Hi Scott

Very Sorry about the hit!

I feel it is related to the recent changes in dose from bottle, one skipped dose, and rather faster reduction this year. You are at 1.2mg now right?

 

I think you want to hold long here until all subside. It's common at lower doses, tiny dose change can affect the system a lot.im doing 1 drop (1.25%) each week, still getting typical symptoms each round.

 

I have to trace back to your earlier updates for your recent taper, can you update your signature to reflect it?

 

I hope this wave pass quickly like all the others you had, and you move a bit slower from here.

 

Lex

[scottly9999]

Thank you Lex - you're always there with a quick reply!

I've updated my signature.

This time this feels a bit different though.

It might be withdrawal, and yes, some rapid changes.

 

I agree about holding at 1mg.  Feels like this is another one of those critical moments in my taper.

 

Part of me wants it to be an infection - as it's a different cause, but that means I'll probably have to have my wisdom tooth out - ouch.

Off to Dentist now.

[scottly9999]

Ok - went to Dentist.  No real infection - which is a relief.

Which means that I'm likely going through WD.

I explained to him about it, and he was like, ok good luck!

I'm going to ride it out - not going to let Lexapro beat me.  Going to kick it's butt!

The muscle aches have slightly eased.

Getting very hot sensations in feet though, heart palpitations - mouth ulcers, and feel very run down.

I'm going to win this, I'll get off Lexapro one way or another.

I'm not giving up.

[scottly9999]

Still feeling really really rundown, and feel like I'm really sick.

Muscle aches have SORT of subsided a bit.

have had burning sensations in legs and feet on and off.

mouth ulcers still there - healing...

I'm going to stick it out a bit see how I go.

 

Phew.

[scottly9999]

*topic moved from symptoms forum

 

Hello survivors,

 

Hope everybody is progressing well in their healing.

 

A question that has bubbled away in my mind a lot on my journey, is at what point will be start to feel un-medicated?

When I started tapering from 10mg Lexapro, I was thinking I would start to regain a sense of feeling more normal the lower I got.

It hasn't seemed to be the case.

Even in windows I feel ok, but not back to normal, not the way I should.  I still feel somewhat numbed and "medicated" for lack of better descriptions.

 

Is it something that people that have successfully got entirely off an SSRI get back after some time of being off the medication?

Like, weeks to months?

 

I did have a slight inkling just recently, where I was taking 2mg - and down to 1.8mg of liquid Lexapro.  I was using a bottle that was 4 months old at this time.

When I swapped to a new bottle, I noticed a strong return to the numbed feeling.

I started to feel slightly less medicated on the 1.8mg I was on.

I'm now on 1mg - which is significantly less than 2mg but feeling MORE medicated.

 

Does this make sense to anybody?

 

Oh, and I've inadvertantly started a new topic, when this has been discussed (I did a search but couldn't find anything), please feel free to move it.

 

So the short question is - at what point in our journey  should we start to feel normal?

DUring a taper?  Or usually a while after completely stopping?

 

Thank you.

Edited May 12, 2016 by Petunia
topic moved note added

[SSRIjunky]

Hello,

 

 

I perfectly know the feeling that you describe. The numbness from Lexapro is horrible and depressing in itself. I literally felt disconnected from everything. However I must say at about 3 or 2.5 mg it lost it's psychoactive properties on me. The feeling was like I was emerging from underwater. I still do suffer from insomnia, occasional depression, crying a lot etc. but the feeling was liberating and healing in itself. I have been on "therapeutic" dose of 10 mg, only for 5 months, maybe your CNS needs more to heal and  get rid of the junk... who knows. Everyone's different. But I believe it will get better after some time.

[scottly9999]

Hi ssrijunkie

 

I've been on 10mg of lexapro for approx 6-8 years. Its terrible I can't remember the year, let alone date I started taking it.

 

In the other topic of if a liquid SSRI loses its potency I described how towards the end of each bottle of liquid I felt more shaky, no matter what the recent drops or changes were, or how steady I was doing.

The last bottle lasted me 4 months! I also started to feel the feeling of emerging from under water, or as I like to say dusting the cobwebs off. Not fully, but was noticeable.

 

Then starting new bottle and only 1mg (horrible WD flu symptoms, almost stopping me going to work) I feel almost more medicated than ever!!!

 

Not quite as much mental fog, but emotionally nothing.

Its exhausting feeling this way, which is ironic as I said there is almost no feeling.

[peggy]

hey there scottly - i get the burning feeling in my feet too - i have been feeling very fatigued since a drop 4 weeks ago and waves of mild depression too - but the burning feet have been a constant companion for a few months now - i think i will see if i can hold where i am until the burning goes away..

[scottly9999]

Hi Peggy.

Thanks for commenting!

It's always nice to hear from other people.

I haven't been in a great place to be able to offer much support to OTHER members for a bit, so it's always lovely when somebody drops past with a comment.

THe burning feet is a recent symptom for me.

I had tingling and pain, but not burning, I'd have to take my shoes off at work for a while, yet, when I touched them they felt fine.

THe burning flashing feeling would be up and down legs, but not last long.  Seems to have eased off now.

I'm also just starting to feel a bit better from my horrific wave.

Ironically, my mood was completely flat and BLAH the whole time, but physically, wow.

Felt like I had tonsititis.

Ulcers in my mouth - big nasty ones, hard to speak and swallow.

Chills and muscle aches that left me curled up.

I've been taking lots of Omega-3, Magnesium Chelate, now starting with Spiralina.  ALso a multivitamin I've always taken.

Plus in evening a Valerian Forte, and Melatonin for sleep.

Have taken a fair bit of Paracetamol (I think it's called somethnig else in USA - Tylanol) and ibuprofen, and codeine to take the edge off.

It's helped.

 

We had an awesome thunderstorm sweep in last night so that kept me awake for a good 2 hours last night.

Now I'm up and about - feel just a little better than yesterday, which was a little better than th eday before.

 

I'm really looking forward to getting my emotions back though - although reading this you'd be mistaken for thinking they are already there.  Nope, not the way they should.  Find I'm bored an AWFUL lot.

I always - before Lexapro - would have somethnig I was into, constantly.

Gaming, music, soccer, tv shows, reading, electronic hobbies, guitar.

I sort of bounce between them now, but only half-heartedly as a distraction, as opposed to passionately.

 

In some ways it feels like "that me" is just next to me, like I could reach and and touch him.

 

I also take my wave as a sign that I'm still healing.

 

It's also frustrating as I feel like I let my family down, with the fatigue I just don't feel like doing much on weekends.

My wife has renewed energy and vitality after her back injections to cure her lower back pain... also much reduced her medications she was on.  Citalopram 60mg -> 20mg  and completely off Tramadol 200mg.

It's fantastic to see her bounce back.  She's raring to go, and I'm like <sigh>  not quite there yet.

 

She did big drops with minimal withdrawal, and she sees me struggling with single mg of Lexapro - and I can tell she's frustrated and confused.

 

It really is such a unique and (if it wasn't for this site) lonely process - as the people who give you these pills MOSTLY do not understand this at all.  And friends and co-workers are like "Can't you just stop altogether?"

or "is it REALLY that tablet??"

 

Anyway - as I type, I'm feeling better... can tell it's the tail end of a wave, looking forwrad to a much needed window.

 

HOpe everybody is going well on their journey!

[Rose9975]

Just want to say well done. Keep it up!!!! Pat on the back!!! just reading your tapering process. It is only when I get a window I can attempt to read others posts. I get tired easily.How to be forgiving to ourselves when we are struggling? A therapist once said to me if there is plane going down we have to attend to ourselves first (O2 mask)before we can attend to others. Also your brain is different to your wife''s brain.We are different & unique.I find when I compare myself to others I usually come out feeling worse.I'm happy for your wife.But she is not you nor you her!!!!

 

Don't know if this is helpful.

 

Go gentle.

 

Love & light xxxx

[scottly9999]

Hi rose.

Lovely words. Thank you.

My beautiful daughters name is rose.

 

I guess I don't compare myself directly to my wife's progress, more so that i haven't recovered more quickly, and that she is a little bit like,you still feeling bad?

Although in saying g that, she has been very accepting. As accepting as anybody can be that doesn't really understand how difficult it can be for somebody.

 

Also like you, I've been consumed by a few nasty waves so haven't had much to contribute to others also.

 

As of this evening had a lessening of the way again. But just before had a tight chest and felt quite anxious, came out of the blue. Took some Valerian. It helped.

[Dan998]

Wow, sounds like you're really near to the end now. You'll be reaching out and shaking hands with the 'old you' real soon. Really pleased for you.

 

I think the boredom is a sign that the lexapro is finally releasing its grip on you. I can remember being bored when I was younger. It would spur me on to go find something to do, sometimes it would get me into trouble, often it would make me try new things that I'd never considered doing before, and occasionally it would lead me on an exciting adventure.

 

I was never bored the whole time I was on SSRI's and it's only recently, as the dose has gotten lower, that I've noticed it creeping back in. It's disgusting how these drugs suppress our natural emotions and desires.

 

Embrace the boredom!!

[scottly9999]

ha ha - Hi Dan!

Love that - embrace the boredom.

I do get that - as it's a motivator to find something else.

However, the big problem I've had is that I've been stuck in an amotivational syndrome / apathy rut - for years because of the Lexapro.

Which meant that even when I DID push through and try something, it was still met with MEH or BLAH!!!

My emotions have been stuck in molasses for years.

AND coupled with that - I found I was constantly searching for something, ANYTHING to register an emotion - or something resembling a normal range...

I found it sort of exagerated my personality to try and FILL THE GAPS, which never really worked.

 

I've been nothing but almost constantly bored on SSRI's - very interesting how we're quite opposite with our experiences.

Over the last 12 months or so, I became quite obsessed with a few things - mostly hobbies... it was a very unusual experience.

Quite driven, but also just beneath the surface, felt quite hollow.  As soon as I stopped, bang, straight back to the "nothing".

 

As of today - feeling better again - by a larger margin.  Feels like the wave has almost left.

Still have the nasty ulcer in mouth - so thats still affecting me.

 

Feel a bit more alive today - like there is more going on in my brain, more solid.

 

Phew.... last wave was a DOOZIE!

[Petunia]

Hi Scottly,

I've been reading through your thread here and the two topics in tapering and symptoms which you have posted in recently. First I want to say congratulations on tapering down to 1mg while remaining generally functional.

 

Mg for mg, lexapro is a strong drug and can be very tricky at the low doses, the smallest changes can have big effects. I tapered too fast off generic lexapro. Initially I got flu-like symptoms for a few weeks, then they went away and I felt really good for about 2 - 3 months. Then new symptoms started to emerge and I got what I now understand to be delayed, protracted withdrawal.

 

So I want to caution you about going too fast at the low doses so you can avoid going through what I did, and still am.

 

From looking at the last line of your signature I can see you have been tapering too fast. We recommend cuts of no more than 10% of the current dose every 4 - 6 weeks. This is even more important as the dose gets lower. You also need to be accurate with your measurements because for some reason, the nervous system becomes more sensitive to changes as the dose gets lower. For this reason I agree with Alto that its not a good idea to take expired medication.

 

 

It's also frustrating as I feel like I let my family down, with the fatigue I just don't feel like doing much on weekends.

My wife has renewed energy and vitality after her back injections to cure her lower back pain... also much reduced her medications she was on.  Citalopram 60mg -> 20mg  and completely off Tramadol 200mg.

It's fantastic to see her bounce back.  She's raring to go, and I'm like <sigh>  not quite there yet.

 

She did big drops with minimal withdrawal, and she sees me struggling with single mg of Lexapro - and I can tell she's frustrated and confused.

 

 

Its great that your wife is feeling better, but not that you're comparing yourself with her.

 

Quite often, people are able to make big cuts without feeling effects when on high doses of several drugs. Its when you get down to the last drug, and low doses is when symptoms can start to become a problem. 20mg of Citalopram is still a significant dose, it's equal to 10mg of Lexapro.

 

I was put on 10mg of lexapro, but it was too much for me, so I cut down to 5mg and that's what I was on for about 6 years before my 2 month 'taper'. During those 2 months while I was tapering, I actually felt ok, nothing I couldn't handle. But it was when I was down to zero I started to feel very unwell. Then as I wrote it was after several months of being drug free that things started to get significantly worse with the emergence of symptoms I'd never experienced before in my life.

 

So please be careful and patient as you continue to reduce. I remember what it was like to be eager to be drug free. I wanted to find out what it was like to be the real me again and to have access to my emotions and passions. I'd felt fairly numbed out for over 13 years and wanted to meet myself again. I had actually liked my old self, but struggled with a bit of anxiety at times and was in an abusive marriage. I was now out of the bad situation and no longer wanted to have my emotions suppressed. Unfortunately, withdrawal can be much worse than any naturally occurring emotional distress.

 

Here are a few links as food for thought:

 

Why Taper By 10% of My Dosage?

 

Why taper? Paper demonstrates importance of gradual change in plasma concentration

 

Brain Remodelling (Rhi's Description of Brain Healing)

 

You may have seen them already, but its something to reconsider. I didn't have access to this information when I tapered, I would give anything to be able to go back in time and taper at a snails pace, even if it took several years.

 

 

Phew.... last wave was a DOOZIE!

 

This is a sign you are tapering too fast. Please listen to what your body is telling you and slow down.

[scottly9999]

Hi Petunia.

I'll dive into those resources a bit later.

Thank you SO MUCH for your support and wise words.

 

I'd just like to repeat that I was feeling pretty "yuck", not in a major way, but hadn't had a window in ages... and I noticed that I always tended to feel this way towards the end of a bottle of liquid Lexapro, no matter what was happening in my tapering schedule.

 

I tested myself to see if the liquid was expiring and I was going through more withdrawal because of that fact.

 

That is the reason for a drop from effectively 1.8mg to 1mg very quickly.

I will be listening to my body more.

 

I feel that I'm slowly recovering from the recent wave.

So I'll stick it out at 1mg.  As you said, it's not only the current WD effects, but possibly developing protracted withdrawal.

I had been quite slow this year.

 

I felt with getting sick like I did in Feb - it could have been withdrawal or actually getting sick.

I'm not sure, but either way - what I've learned is I'll be going MUCH MUCH SLOWER.

 

I've been devouring as much info as I can from this site - mostly.

I've seen the graphs of blood plasma concentration and how at low doses it's effectively a straight line downwards.

 

I'll be taking all this on board, from the feedback from users, and my body.

 

THank you again for stopping by and offering such comprehensive info!

[scottly9999]

seem to be slowly coming out of the last wave, I'd even call it a window.

last night - was terribly tired, but have had 3 nights of rotten sleep - mostly due to mattress etc.

put a new layer on top last night, slept much better.

Had a few muscle aches as well as extreme tiredness last night.

Better slept has left me feeling better today.

Clearer in the head.

But I'll be holding at 1mg for a while yet, like at least another 3-4 weeks.

[AliG]

Hi Scott.    It's great that you're coming out of your wave. Perhaps even having a window ?  It is amazing what a good nights sleep will do for symptoms and mood in general . It can't be underestimated , in it's effect on recovery. I have found it often seems to be,  that as a result,  a whole cascade of symptoms can lighten up to an extent.  

Have you tried Magnesium baths for your muscle aches ?  It will also help with anxiety , not to mention sleep , as well.

 

Sometimes holding can be hard work, but infinitely worth it in the long run.

I echo what Petunia said - SLOW DOWN.  Listen to your body .

 

A bit more reading for you that might help you to understand the importance of tapering slowly.

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6632-the-rule-of-3kis-keep-it-simple-keep-it-slow-keep-it-stable/

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4954-rhis-start-small-listen-to-your-body-taper-plan/

 

Ali

[scottly9999]

I've always been good at listening to my body and it's signals for sleep.

Ordered melatonin to help getting to sleep too.

Have been finding msyelf wide awake at 3am for a few hours... managed to get through that last night.

Put an old mattress topper on my side of the bed.

We got a new mattress about 6 months ago, but it's just too darn firm!!  Been waking with sore hips from the pressure - 5 mins after I get up - I'm fine!  grrrrr.

I've always hopped into bed when I need to, I never fight sleep.

 

So when I get a good nights sleep, feel so much better - and always known that if I don't get a good sleep, I'll be rotten the next day... thats enough motivation to get me to goto bed.

 

I'm planning on being SUPER slow from here on out.

I can't stress enough that it was a test or experiment - as the liquid always seems "off" at the end of a bottle.

I'd had a window where I was MUCH clearer than I'd ever been, and had a few WD's that were different, and thought that the liquid was stale.

So dropped a bit drop to see what would happen.

The rest is history.

 

ALi - how is Starburst going?

[camel]

I felt the medication lost its effect gradually during the taper. I noticed even in the beginning of the taper that i felt more 'unmedicated' then before... (more sharpness in what i saw, memories coming back,less side effects like sexual dysfunction and diarrhea...). I really felt as it was a gradual return towards 'normal'. Today i'm on a fairly low dosage and, if i feel/sleep OK, i'm not sure the mediaction still has any effect on me, maybe it does, maybe it doesn't (although i feel like i'm stuck at this dosage).

[scottly9999]

Hi camel

Thanks for that.

I've found only just now I'm getting small waves of feeling unmedicated.

Sometimes I think to myself, is this it?

Hard to know.

[scottly9999]

Update

Haven't thought about my symptoms too much over last few days.

Have been exceptionally busy at work.

Been tired at night - which isn't unusual for me!

Have had small waves of tingling / needling pains in legs and feet.

A bit of insomnia at night - little trouble GETTING to sleep, but STAYING asleep - waking at 2-4am for usually at least 1 hour, which leaves me tired next day - so end up in bed by 9:30 most nights.

Have noticed a very gradual creeping in of feeling more emotionsl - mostly stress at work, which is normal, as we have been busy.

BUT in a way it's a nice change.  Feeling a bit more passionate about work.

HOping that will spill over into other areas - not the stress.

[scottly9999]

Hi Everybody

As I'm into about my 3rd week at 1mg, I can feel myself slow stabilizing.

I keep getting little glimpses and glimmers of feeling partly normal again.

The drugs really do such a good job of numbing you, that you really lose perspective on who you are and what you used to "feel" like.

You just have that uneasy feeling that something is missing or wrong.

 

As I have little micro windows, I get a reminder that I get a "sense of place" of my surroundings and environment.

I think I was very very mildly OCD, and get little reminders of that too.

 

It's also in windows that you also realize how much further you still have to go, and HOW FAR YOU HAVE come too.

I can tell how much better I am than even 1 year ago.

I can see that I was having underlying anxiety, but wasn't really aware of it, also a lot of low-level depression - even when I was feeling sort of ok.

I was channeling that energy into a few hobbies - which was great, but there was an uneasiness about it that seems to have mostly disappeared now, which is good.

 

I read somewhere on a thread how your mind plays tricks on you in withdrawal - it's really true - it does.

 

I also possibly misinterpreted some of my energy levels as being 'stable' too, and may have made drops too quickly.

 

I'll be staying on 1mg for a few more weeks yet and going as slow as possible.

getting small cuts than .2mg will be hard though as the liquid is just so concentrated.

I tried to dilute it myself once, but didn't seem right.

[scottly9999]

UPdate time.

It's been a while.

After the last update, not a lot to report, a bit flat - lots of fatigue.

Felt quite run-down in my body too.

But not enough that I was looking on the forums looking for help.

In fact, in general, the better I feel the less I visit the site.

The last week or so, have felt a wave of depression building up - not as intense as the one I had a few months back, but still bad enough.

I'm starting trying to cut sugar from my diet, as thats a good thing anyway.

When I was about 19-21 I had a weird few years where I was exhausted most of the time, needed afternoon naps, had blood shot eyes etc.

My Mum took me to a naturopath who cleaned my diet up - not that it was REALLY bad, but bad enough... lots of supplements, and told no alcohol, caffeine or sugar!

I stuck to it for 6 months, I was really good, lots of veggies, no refined breads and grains.

FElt great.

I'd always needed to watch what I ate, and marvel at people who inhale sugar and 5 cups of coffee a day and not seem to have ill effects!!!!!

It catches up with me very very quickly.

If I let myself lapse - can feel the effect on my body - feel very run down, tired and lethargic.

 

Thats how I'm feeling at the moment.

 

WHile on Lexapro for a good 8 or so years, I've noticed that sort of run-down thing didn't seem to happen nearly as much or often or intensely.

As SSRI's have been prescribed for pain, migraines and other complaints, I wonder if it suppresses the adrenal system?

It must do.  It really must interfere with hormones related to that.

 

Either way - current update:

Physical symptoms: 7/10  (had leg / muscle pains on and off)

Mental symptoms:  8/10 reasonably clear minded

Emotional symptoms:  4/10  low mood

 

I still haven't cracked through the number one thing for me with these meds that have robbed me of the way I experience the world and surroundings.

I get GLIMPSES of it in windows, but then it sinks back down again.

That connectedness I used to feel with my environment.  like there is still a slight plastic sheet or bubble.

I used to love driving in rain, wipers going, thinking about getting indoors and being all warm - mostly thats all gone.

It's just meh - and I have to force myself to think that way...

 

Still at 1mg, as that last drop was big - and was at end of a bottle, and it felt very different at the time.

 

So I'm assuming I'm just having the effects of that currently.

 

I'm ok, but would like to be a bit better.