Dan998: Learning to fly

[Dan998]

Link to Introduction topic: 

 

☼-dan998-cold-turkey-reinstatement-and-tapering-citalopram

 

I never got around to writing a success story because I never really considered myself a success. Sure, I got off the drugs, but it always felt like I had some residual brain damage. Presumably caused by 14 years of taking SSRIs and then the subsequent traumatic experience of stubbornly trying to force my way through a cold-turkey withdrawal, reluctantly reinstating and then rushing my taper.

However, I recently had a realisation that has made me reconsider this point of view. 

I got a bit bored during the pandemic. Instead of filling the void by getting drunk and watching Netflix in my underpants. I decided to be proactive. I’d learn a new skill. Designing websites was something that looked interesting and would fill the long hours of lockdown. So, I enthusiastically threw myself at this task. Immersing myself to the point of becoming totally obsessed by it. 

After months and months and months of perseverance, I managed to teach myself how to put together a half decent website. However, the most important thing that I actually learnt was that my mind wasn’t as badly damaged as I’d incorrectly assumed it was. 

Thinking back to the debilitating cog-fog of those early days of withdrawal, where I couldn’t even process a few simple sentences, I came to realise just how much I have healed and grown over the last 7 years. It’s amazing the extent to which my brain has recovered. It's gone from being a completely useless drug dependent mess to a fully functional wonder of nature that is able to think, reason and learn. 

Creativity, concentration, logical thinking, problem solving and memory. All these abilities had returned and I didn’t even realise until I pushed myself beyond what I thought I was capable of achieving. Time has truly worked its magic in slow, imperceptible increments.

It feels like I am almost back to how I was before an antidepressant had ever passed my lips. A lot older, fatter and with more grey hair than I’d like. But, finally glimpsing the version of me that I expected to see when I first came here all those years ago.

 
Of course there are scars. There will always be scars. I don’t think it is possible to go through such an extreme experience and not be fundamentally changed by it. I still occasionally have flashbacks and I get anxious sometimes. But, I try to not let it bother me and I get on with my day.

Withdrawal no longer defines my identity. It has become just another chapter in the story of my life and, thanks to this forum, there are now many blank pages eagerly waiting to be written.

Thank you Alto and all the moderators for your hard work and tireless dedication.

My withdrawal journey can be found here - ☼-dan998-cold-turkey-reinstatement-and-tapering-citalopram

 

 

Edited May 31, 2022 by ChessieCat
added link to top of post to Intro topic

[wantrelief]

Thank you so much for taking the time to come back to share your success story, Dan - it was great to read and I also loved the last post on your thread. It really helps to hear how well you are doing after all you endured.....it brings a lot of hope to those of us still in the midst of it all.  

[Ariel]

@Dan998

CONGRATULATIONS!!!! 

 

And THANK YOU for coming back to share your success story!! 

It is truly wonderful to read and sooo helpful. I cannot thank you enough. 

 

6 hours ago, Dan998 said:

Creativity, concentration, logical thinking, problem solving and memory. All these abilities had returned and I didn’t even realise until I pushed myself beyond what I thought I was capable of achieving. Time has truly worked its magic in slow, imperceptible increments.

 

This is absolutely INVALUABLE to read. I struggle with feeling cognitively impaired as so many of my faculties have significantly dimmed or diminished or even disappeared to the point of functional disability. I often wonder whether I'll ever regain former intellectual capacity, creativity, mathematical aptitude, spatial reasoning, and everything else you mention. I feel dull a lot of the time and like I'm operating with a pitifully downgraded version of mind. Withdrawal has definitely had me feeling "brain damaged" for years, unrecognizable to myself. 

 

YOUR STORY HELPS SO MUCH. It gives me so much hope to know that this has gotten better for you along with everything else. And it's a brilliant, essential lesson you are sharing here, that you didn't even realize how much better things were until you pushed yourself out of your comfort zone, so to speak, beyond what you thought you were capable of achieving. Well done!!! I am taking this to heart, very inspiring and true. Thank you!!

 

I'm delighted for you and feel very, very grateful that you've taken the time to formulate and post this update. 

All the best to you moving forward,

A.

[Dan998]

Hi @Ariel,

Thanks for commenting. You've probably discovered that getting to zero isn't the end of the journey. I was still struggling with anxiety and cognitive dysfunction for a good few years after getting off the drugs.

 

The damage feels permanent, but I can assure you that it's not. Your brain is creating new pathways all the time. Billions and billions of neurons making and breaking connections. All those changes made by years of being drugged have to be undone. It's a frustratingly slow process, but it will happen.

 

It may be beneficial to start challenging yourself a bit more now that you are undrugged. Games and puzzles are a good starting point. Playing Sudoku helped me enormously. Progressing through the levels of difficulty and getting quicker at solving them proved that I was definitely on the path to recovery.

 

However, I should probably point out that while it is true that our brains grow and learn from being exposed to new stimuli. Which is usually reinforced by a dopamine reward when we accomplish a goal. It is important to remember that brains in withdrawal often react completely differently. There will be short circuits, chemical messengers may not bind with their targets properly, and all sorts of other unexpected stuff will be going on. This usually means that withdrawal brains tend to inappropriately trigger a fear response when exposed to anything new or unexpected. The brain during withdrawal needs to be handled very gently. Requiring; quiet, calmness, stability and consistency. 

 

[Shep]

15 hours ago, Dan998 said:

After months and months and months of perseverance, I managed to teach myself how to put together a half decent website. However, the most important thing that I actually learnt was that my mind wasn’t as badly damaged as I’d incorrectly assumed it was. 

 

This is awesome, Dan. Thanks for coming back and letting us know about not only your success getting away from psych drugs, but how you spent the pandemic learning a very difficult skill. You're right - we're not as badly damaged as we think. The human brain is incredibly resilient. You're proof of that.

[Dan998]

Thanks Shep,

 

Yeah, I've always known how important it is to come back from the other side and give encouragement to those still on their journey. Withdrawal was such a massive part of my life for such a long time. Unpleasant memories that I just wanted to forget and put behind me.

 

I suppose its like running away from a big scary monster. You run and run until you realise the monster is never going to catch you. You are faster and stronger than the monster. Eventually, the fear goes away and you get the urge to go back and pull the monsters tail.

 

 

[Ariel]

@Dan998

I've been reading through posts in your old, now-locked thread. There is so much good stuff. 

Thank you so much for all you have shared over the years. Your contributions are surely a legacy of support benefitting many, including me. 

 

18 hours ago, Dan998 said:

Eventually, the fear goes away and you get the urge to go back and pull the monsters tail.

 

Thanks for this, it made me laugh! 

I like the idea of a mischievous streak (re-)appearing along with healing. 

 

In this process it's hard to remember what it feels like to be well, let alone imagine what it is to thrive. I'm not sure I know what it's like to thrive, not sure I ever have. My benchmark has only ever been something like "being okay" and "not being not okay". When I try to visualize a positive future my mind can't quite think past "the absence of unpleasantness", i.e. "not being ill".

Your words remind me that there is potentially so much more than just the double negative of "not not well". It would seem that beyond this there is a whole world of actively experiencing well-being and enjoying what life has to offer...?! A reality in which one has a gleam in one's eye and enough energy, stamina, and confidence to know one is "stronger and faster than the monster"; with room for play and fun and monster-tail-pulling pranks. Hard to wrap my mind around (possibly my current brain limitations make it difficult to envision) but I believe you. I trust your experience. 

 

19 hours ago, Dan998 said:

However, I should probably point out that while it is true that our brains grow and learn from being exposed to new stimuli. Which is usually reinforced by a dopamine reward when we accomplish a goal. It is important to remember that brains in withdrawal often react completely differently. There will be short circuits, chemical messengers may not bind with their targets properly, and all sorts of other unexpected stuff will be going on.

 

Thanks for mentioning this, it's very helpful to hear it from you. This is indeed consistent with my experience. I am starting to get my emotions back (off and on) but something that still generally eludes me is a "reward" feeling. For example, when I set out to do something and am able to see it through, I think, "Good that it's done," in a distanced, logical kind of way. It doesn't really feel like an affective response. Not sure how to describe it, it's like I don't have the sense that I can fully feel satisfaction or that the accomplishment is "bankable". (Hard to describe.) It's weird.

I experience this in regards to practical tasks, and I experience it very clearly in relation to food and eating/drinking. My hunger/fullness cues are still quite subtle and confusing, so I try to really pay attention, and I'm getting better at tuning in to basic physiological sensations that communicate hunger, thirst, fullness. But the emotional aspect is missing. I don't ever have that feeling of satisfaction or pleasure or reward, that content "Ah, that hit the spot," following the completion of a meal or refreshing beverage.

My intuition is that these things are related. I don't know whether this has to do with dopamine issues specifically or something else or a complex combination/interplay of all sorts of things.

Regardless, reading your comment about how brains in withdrawal often react in unexpected ways feels really supportive.  

 

Thank you for broadening my withdrawal-narrowed horizons with such generous, nourishing insights. 

I appreciate you <3

A.

 

[Dan998]

@Ariel

Thanks for taking the time to read through my journey. There is rather a lot of it.

 

I think the monster I'm actually referring to is psychiatry and the pharmaceutical industry. They don't (or don't want to) believe that withdrawal is a real phenomenon. Doctors are taught that patients need to be medicated and when they stop taking their medications the original condition returns. By coming back here and "pulling the monsters tail" I hope to show that this is simply not true. The treatment is far worse than the disease, but It is possible to get free of these drugs and resume a normal life once again.

 

I know how the lack of success stories can make it difficult for members to keep faith in the tapering process. Many might incorrectly conclude that "No-one gets off this crap. What's the point in trying!". But consider this - After World War 2 there were millions of veterans who refused to talk about the war. It was such a traumatic experience that they just wanted to try and erase it from their memories. It took decades before they were ready to talk. And almost every one of them said the same thing - "We must share the horror of what we went through so that history doesn't repeat itself."

 

The trickle will eventually become a flood. Survivors will want to tell their tales. They're out there, but right now they are busy rebuilding their shattered lives... And still running from the monster.

[Dan998]

Sleep and withdrawal
I thought it would be a good idea to write an article about sleep. Everyone’s symptoms and experiences will be different, but the vast majority of our members suffer terribly from issues surrounding sleep. For me, sleep was probably my biggest struggle. Right from the beginning I had a hard time sleeping and it’s probably only in the last year or two that it has returned to what I would call normal.

Sleeplessness closely followed my pattern of windows and waves. Arriving a few days before and improving a few days afterwards. I’m convinced that these two things are closely linked to each other. During the worst of withdrawal I might have been lucky to get an hour of sleep per night. This sometimes went on for months and undoubtedly contributed to the mental confusion and cognitive incapacity that I have previously described. The cortisol mornings were particularly brutal. Fear, dread and panic rising from my core and quickly filling every part of my body as soon as I woke up.

Getting a good night's sleep is vital for all humans, not just those in withdrawal. I still occasionally get nights where my sleep is interrupted and I always feel groggy and slow throughout the following day. 

Thankfully, like everything else on the withdrawal rollercoaster your ability to sleep will improve with the passage of time. 

Dosage timing -
Some psychotropic drugs are activating, some have a sedative effect. You can use this to your advantage. Citalopram used to make me feel slightly drowsy, so I took my dose at night to help me sleep. Try to stay away from sleep meds if you can as most of them are highly addictive and you’ll quickly build up a tolerance to them.

 

Take a nap -
Sleep can often be elusive. Get it whenever you can. If you feel tired in the afternoon, then by all means take a nap. Every minute of sleep is valuable. It doesn’t have to be reserved for bedtime.

 

Blue light -
Blue light interferes with our natural circadian rhythms. In nature, blue light is only available during the daytime. The blue light emitted by T.Vs, computers and smartphones disrupts these natural rhythms and signals to our brains that we should be awake. Make use of the blue (night) light filters available on most computers and phones. If you’re watching TV, the movie setting often has a warmer colour temperature. I personally wouldn’t go online after about 10pm as I found it far too activating. Instead, I’d watch wildlife documentaries or sports as these provided much gentler viewing.

Bedtime stories -
Ok, I didn’t have actual bedtime stories. I would  listen to talk radio. A soothing voice, quietly whispering in the background would help me drift off. I used to listen to BBC Radio 5 as it didn’t have any annoying adverts. Nowadays, you’ll probably find all sorts of podcasts, audiobooks and background noises to listen to. Make sure it’s nothing too stimulating. Boring is best.

Darkness -
I found blocking out the light really helped my sleep. The darker the better. I messed about with blackout curtains, but some light always got past, and it only took the tiniest sliver to wake me up. In the end I solved this problem by screwing a sheet of ply board over the window, this also helped block out most of the street noise too. 

Secret sleep -
Sometimes you don’t realise you have been asleep. It seems that you’ve been laying there awake for hours and hours. In fact, there are many different levels of sleep. Just because you didn’t have any dreams, doesn’t mean you haven’t been asleep. So, even if you're not tired, you should go to bed at the same time every night. Lay down, make yourself comfortable and close your eyes. You'll be giving your body a rest and you might even grab an hour or two without even realising. 

 

 

I hope these hints and tips are of some benefit to those of you who are struggling with sleep. Things do get better as time goes on. Hang in there. Better days, and nights, are ahead of you. 
 

Edited June 2, 2022 by Dan998

[arbor]

I can't thank you enough @Dan998especially for this post on sleep.  Golly, it's been a tough one for me (and my poor cat riding the high seas of my tossing).  I will keep this post close at hand.  It helps dispel the doom and despair that amp up as the minutes tick past.

Here's to your seabird 🌞

Arbor

[Dan998]

Thanks @arbor, I'm pleased that my posts are proving helpful. I've got a few more ideas still in development.  Although, It's difficult to find the time as I'm not someone who is able to dip in and out of a project. It tends to be all or nothing. I absolutely love being creative, but work often gets in the way and takes the wind out of my sails.

 

I hope you (and your cat) are able to get a good night's sleep soon.

[Mutfael]

I am glad that you have recovered and this is motivating for me and for many. Thank you.. I am taking Cipralex (Lexapro) and I am currently in the last stages of tapering off. I want to ask you, have you been feeling very depressed and lethargic in the withdrawal stage?  Or are you just suffering from panic and fear only?

[Dan998]

Hi @Mutfael,

Yes I had a lot of lethargy or anhedonia. Doing anything was an enormous effort. It felt like swimming through glue. A total lack of energy, no motivation and no joy or pleasure from doing anything. It was one of the symptoms that lingered long after getting completely off the drugs.

It does very slowly get better. You wont really notice any improvements at first. Then, one day, you'll catch yourself laughing or you might get a unexplained urge to do some exercise, or finding yourself totally absorbed in a new project. 

 

It can be very hard to imagine a different future, but it will happen. Just hang on and know that better days are coming.

[Mutfael]

On 6/4/2022 at 3:09 PM, Dan998 said:

Hi @Mutfael,

Yes I had a lot of lethargy or anhedonia. Doing anything was an enormous effort. It felt like swimming through glue. A total lack of energy, no motivation and no joy or pleasure from doing anything. It was one of the symptoms that lingered long after getting completely off the drugs.

It does very slowly get better. You wont really notice any improvements at first. Then, one day, you'll catch yourself laughing or you might get a unexplained urge to do some exercise, or finding yourself totally absorbed in a new project. 

 

It can be very hard to imagine a different future, but it will happen. Just hang on and know that better days are coming.

Thank you from the bottom🌹

[Ventus]

Hey sorry about posting to this so late. But I am curious how long your waves of insomina were? Looks like I rushed too much in my taper and I am waiting for the insomina wave to end and I will taper slower.

[Erimus]

This is a great read. One of the ones I come back to when I’m having a hard time. Thanks for sharing. One day I’ll write a similar story.

[Mutfael]

I have a question, dear.. Did you feel heart palpitations and fatigue when making any small effort?  I feel tired in my entire body, heart palpitations, and extreme fatigue when I make any effort, such as climbing stairs, especially in the first hours of waking up, and it lessens at night.