success ☼ Nadia: There is hope!

[Nadia]

Fantastic advice, Dalsaan, thank you! I ahve been ruminating on my walks, and this is a good reminder to be mindful. Last night and this morning were horrible, but right now I am feeling so much better than I was 24 hours ago. I dragged myself to a work appt. in the morning, and then my mom was really supportive and cooked for me, and then I went to two art classes that had me doing manual stuff... it ended up being like meditation for dummies. I had to concentrate on what I was doing to get it right and that helped quiet down the thoughts and fearful sensations.

 

As for food, I think I have to really be careful with MSG, which means not eating out since it's used a lot here in the chicken broth cubes to flavor everything. Also staying away from chocolate, which I do OK with usually as long as I don't eat any past 6 pm or so. I can't handle caffeine at all except when I am much, much better. Staying away from wheat as well, though I hardly eat grains.

 

Hoping for some sleep tonight!

[spectio]

Nadia, everything you write about could have been written by me. I, too am really feeling particularly off the last few weeks. Most mornings I wake up with the same old dread that was my CONSTANT companion for many months after I totally stopped meds. Lately I am grasping onto expectations from others (like SIMPLE work related events) and CANNOT let them go. I go to bed worrying about failing and wake up dreading even trying.

 

I'm right on the edge of totally quitting all work expectations but, like you, I'm hoping for SOME SORT of breakthrough. I just hate totally quitting doing things. I used to really enjoy my work. The paralysis just doesn't want to go. It's really a constant battle not to totally flake out.

 

Are YouThere really has good advise and it's the only things I know that help, too. I believe it is all about diversion and distraction. Trouble is, in a quiet moment guess what, the demons are RIGHT there, more than happy to bull their way into your consciousness.

 

It has been really hard to meditate lately, too, and even exercise is difficult to initiate.

 

I really do get a lot of pleasure visiting with people, though, even strangers. Even when I feel depression, it seems to lift me up just to get into some kind of conversation. (not always, of course). I know Fefesmom got some D relief just with visiting and interacting with people.

 

And you know what, I slowly discontinued AD's. It took two full years. I didn't cold turkey and I am struggling just like you. So, please don't get down on yourself for getting off quickly; it may have turned out very much the same.

 

I don't know about reinstating. Im not sure anything good would happen this late and maybe it would be worse( can that possibly be??). Ive been toying with trying to get back on fish oil; start with the pediatric caps, first and maybe build up the dose over a couple of weeks.

 

Nadia, really pay attention to your diet. In the morning when I'm going through this horrible dread, I get the most demanding appetite. The cortisol factor, I'm sure since it is a potent appetite stimulator. Get some good quality protein and carbs into right off and then go for your walk. Maybe then you can come back to try to meditate. Also, get at least three regular meals a day to make your cortisol and sugar levels more constant. Strive for REAL food. I know I'm preaching to the choir but sometimes things get lost in the day to day struggle . I have to remind myself constantly, especially when I'm feeling bad!

 

Please hang in there with us. We need you!

 

Anyway, I wish I had more helpful suggestions. It sounds like, as usual you're doing ALL your poor brain knows how to do at this point in time. I keep trying to put everything in perspective. I took this drugs for 12 years and i I don't think, in my case, a year is enough time to get things back to square one. I wish it were.

[Nadia]

Spectio! I'm so sad to hear you are struggling as well.

 

I'm bringing out the whole arsenal, and also reminding myself that it's not going to be a matter of a day or two. Already my mood is better, I'm more determined. I'm also a bit manic in that determination, and reminding myself not to spin too much out of control. Baby steps! I am telling myself, "you might lose this and feel defeated again in a bit, but that is OK, you can get through that, too."

 

"Do not hurry, do not stop", as Goethe said. Or Suzuki? Whoever said it knew what he was talking about.

 

I am re-realizing that THE most important step in this battle is having a positive attitude. That is a killer, as often our very symptom is a brain cornered into negativity by dread and anxiety. Acceptance, endurance... there's just no other way through it.

 

Sometimes with the work stuff you just have to do it without thinking. Like jumping into a pool of cold water. Don't even expect any sense of satisfaction. Go on automatic. I fail at this continually and then I sometimes don't. You are right, a year, or in my case, almost two, is not necessarily enough to make up for over a decade of drugs. This is a marathon. But a marathon is just one step.

 

Alan Watts, I think, wrote something about how there is only ever one dish to wash. Don't think of the sinkful, or yearn for the empty sink. Just wash the one dish. One dish isn't so bad. We can get through this! We can also cry because it hurts and really sucks... but then get right back to the washing. And then rest, as much as you can, however you can.

 

Not sure if I'm fully buying into my pep talk but I'm trying!

[tezza]

 

I am re-realizing that THE most important step in this battle is having a positive attitude. That is a killer, as often our very symptom is a brain cornered into negativity by dread and anxiety. Acceptance, endurance... there's just no other way through it.

 

Not sure if I'm fully buying into my pep talk but I'm trying!

 

 

Nadia,

 

Me too...me too This, too, shall pass, just not soon enough. I'm so, so sorry, it seems you've suffered much too long already. I hope you get a good sleep tonight and feel new tomorrow.

 

{{{HUGS}}}

[Nadia]

Thank you, Tezza! I hope you keep your chin up and are able to get some rest and respite as well.

[ajay]

Nadia,

 

I'm so sorry you're in a rough spot. At the same time, I hope you give yourself some credit - you have a lot more external stresses these days, and you are hanging on.

 

I find it mush easier to advise others than follow my own advice. Example: I would suggest being careful about food (plenty of protein and vegetables, very low sugar)* and getting exercise at least 3 days a week, because I have done much better when I can do this. Yet even though I know this, it seems hard for me to stick to it. Which is kind of pathetic actually; it doesn't take much to slice up some veggies or scramble an egg. *[side note: MSG can be made from wheat, and it sends my anxiety through the roof.] It's like I don't have enough internal drive to follow through with my intentions. And then some days I do, and then it's gone again, and I don't know how to bring it back.

 

When things take a down turn, I try to remember that they have improved before, or else how would I know this is a downturn?

 

You wrote "Don't even expect any sense of satisfaction." That's heartbreaking, but wise. I have been very discouraged by my inability to feel a sense of satisfaction for accomplishments. If you have a similar lack of response, I'm not sure it helps to try to remind yourself of what you *have* done. Maybe it's still worth trying... I also hope you remember the Nadia you experienced while on vacation with friends is still in there somewhere. You will see her again. Maybe not as soon as we'd all like, and maybe you'll just get glimpses here and there, but she's still there.

 

I am finding meditation to be very difficult these days. The best I can do is try to be curious about my feelings - "how would I describe this to another person without using words like 'pain' or 'sad'?" Sometimes that puts a little space between the feelings and my being, if that makes sense. Best of luck and peace. I have found myself escaping in other ways like reading or watching certain television shows - not terribly constructive, but something to get away from my own head for a while. I hope you can be gentle with yourself - baby steps can include a lot of stumbling.

 

Which is all a really rambly, unfocused way of saying: Go Nadia! I am always amazed by your strength and perspective.

[Nadia]

Ajay!

 

I was just thinking about you last night.

 

I also escape with reading and TV shows (lately Downton Abbey), plus games like Words with Friends and Draw Something. But when I'm really, really bad, I don't even enjoy those. I go through the motions anyway sometimes.

 

Luckily it seems I am out of the woods from the worst "wave"... it was incredibly intense, but short-lived. I've put my entire strength into clawing my way out, and am right now trying to approach it in a calmer way because I cannot maintain that manic drive for survival very long. Intense enthusiasm can quickly rot into more anxiety.

 

I know it sounds heartbreaking, what I said about not expecting satisfaction... I think sometimes it is necessary. I struggle a lot with this concept. So much of the time, life does not seem worth living, so why put all that energy into something that seems not to give back? But then I think... I obviously can't kill myself, it would destroy my mom. I don't want to hurt family and friends. So I have no choice but to get through this. And as I do, when don't expect anything and plow ahead, suddenly with time I regain my desire to live, even in small ways. It usually comes back as a desire to eat and therefore cook. I have gotten really into cooking healthy. Sometimes when I'm feeling better I crave sweets, though... last night I made cookies. I'm encouraged because I had the desire and energy to carry it out (though it exhausted me), but I shouldn't be eating wheat! (MSG is a killer for me too!)

 

I think it has to do with the whole "neurons that fire together wire together" concept other people talked about on here. If we practice joy, confidence, accomplishment, then we are strengthening that muscle. Check out the body posture TED talk I posted in "Symptoms and What Helps"!!

 

I was so used to having a pill solve everything (or pretend to), that doing all these little things that have minor effects can seem really frustrating. But I think the trick is to not give up and be disciplined. Like you, I am affected by often not feeling a sense of accomplishment. Or, as soon as I am better, I slack off. I'm only driven to self-discipline from absolute misery. I'm trying to work on that...

 

I have been having a really hard time with meditation as well. I feel like I have crazy amounts of activity, emotional and mental, going on. I signed up for some art classes, and they leave me exhausted, but while I'm in them it really helps. It's almost like a form of meditation. I think Tai Chi and Qi Gong are also good in that way. They require you to be active and attentive, and it is a form of meditation! It quiets down everything else. And having it be in the form of a class helps me with the discipline side.

 

Other people say listening to music helps them in similar ways, but I have to be careful with music. It gets stuck in my head in a really disturbing way. I think I need to minimize sensory input, as much as I can. It's hard, because I live in a really loud, busy city.

 

Thanks for the reminder that the Nadia I found on vacation is still in me somewhere. I'm trying to actively search for that me. I think I need to make some big life changes, and I've promised myself I will work on them. Right now most of my anxiety is coming from feeling like I don't do enough each day. I'm not organizing my things as fast as I should, etc. Anxiety makes me feel like no matter what I am doing, there is something more important I SHOULD be doing. By the afternoon I collapse into exhaustion and all my morning desire to get things done is frustrated. But I try to remind myself that this is a process, that I should not expect too much of myself. I especially remind myself not to compare to how other people live or what they do. That for me is really tough.

 

Thanks also for saying you are amazed by my strength and perspective! I feel like such a wuss most of the time... I know there are so many people out there who have it so much harder than I do and do better at overcoming it.

[areyouthere]

Nadia.... how are things going for you now?

[Nadia]

Hi Areyouthere! Had not seen your post until now.

 

I am doing quite a bit better than I was at the end of October, when I had a really bad wave... I think it was caused by a variety of stressors, but what really sent me over the edge was some hydrocortisone most likely.

 

Anway, I came here to post that I am now two years off antidepressants, give or take a couple of days. Except for one day that I took sertraline and bupropion sometime before July in 2011 (it made me feel more agitated, so I didn't try again, and then I found this site).

 

I suppose I have improved over the last year and a half, but it's been very erratic progress. Right now I'm not taking any supplements at all except for a tiny bit of magnesium today and yesterday. I quit even the fish oils after the hydrocortisone, and that seemed to help, along with cutting out all sugar and wheat (my logic was I needed to give my body the cleanest break possible to recover from hypersensitivty). I even had two days of virtually no anxiety, despite having some pretty strong emotions to deal with those days. I woke up several times at night but was able to fall back asleep.

 

But then the anxiety returned... the reasons why are not clear. I did have a tiny bit of wheat. But at my best in July I ate plenty of wheat every day. Yesterday and today have been pretty bad... headache, tired, clouded thinking. I'm struggling not to think too much through them, and stay positive... hoping this is just a momentary setback. I'm facing all the things that make me anxious and not avoiding them.

 

Most of all, I'm trying to get my mind out of a rut. I do my best to feel positive, to just live through the negative, accepting it without inviting it, and to desire to live.

 

I think of anxiety and depression and all the bad feelings as ruts my brain too easily falls into, and I'm trying to create new, more positive ruts.

 

I think this is going to be a long process. I think that the most important thing in dealing with all of this is finding a reason to live. If you have one, and you work toward building the life you want, then you will have the strength to deal with the bad stuff. Of course, things are complicated, and I get impatient, but I've promised myself I will gradually work on a plan to be happy with my life.

 

Some days I just am so tired of dealing with this... then I think it's just a sign that I haven't fully accepted my lot. I saw a really old man on the subway yesterday who was carting some newspapers and magazines to sell. Someone tried to help him, and he said, "it's OK, I'm used to it". It broke my heart and made me feel ashamed that I don't want to live. I'm damn lucky to have the things I have. So it's time to work on gratitude, and more acceptance.

 

Maybe my anxiety and insomnia will never go away, maybe I've already sampled the full range of improvement I'll ever have. Somehow I have to carve a life out of that, because it is a real possibility... I feel bad that I resist, but I also applaud myself for struggling every day. I have my moments of weakness, but I really fight to go forward. I think I've just never been good at delayed gratification and persistence. Maybe this is the learning opportunity I should have taken a long time ago, instead of taking antidepressants. It's tougher now, but it can be done. I have to find it in me!

[Iggy131313]

Nadia, I just wanted to say that you must not give up hope that you will make a full recovery from this, I have read so so many accounts from people who recover in their 3rd, 4th, 5th and even 7th year, I know its all too much to handle, and I am at the start of this hell, its just so criminal but Im trying hard not to get worked up about it because it doesnt help my healing.

 

Dont ever give up the hope

[Jemima]

Maybe my anxiety and insomnia will never go away, maybe I've already sampled the full range of improvement I'll ever have. Somehow I have to carve a life out of that, because it is a real possibility... I feel bad that I resist, but I also applaud myself for struggling every day. I have my moments of weakness, but I really fight to go forward. I think I've just never been good at delayed gratification and persistence. Maybe this is the learning opportunity I should have taken a long time ago, instead of taking antidepressants. It's tougher now, but it can be done. I have to find it in me!

 

I see in your signature that you experienced feeling healed for two weeks last July. It's my belief that those "windows" are a sign of healing and that they represent what you will feel consistently once you're through withdrawal. In other words, if you can feel healed for two weeks, you can feel healed for a lifetime, although that won't happen immediately or even in the very near future.

 

You might want to re-read the topic on windows and waves for reassurance: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/82-the-windows-and-waves-pattern-of-recovery/page__st__30__p__25365__hl__windows__fromsearch__1#entry25365. That's helped me a lot.

 

You're no doubt having a hard time because you were on ADs for so long and then cold-turkeyed off, but I do believe you'll get back to yourself in time. Believe me, I know how hard it is to be patient about the process, but thinking things will never get better when they most likely will doesn't help!

[Nadia]

Iggy and Jemima... thanks so much for your reassuring words. I am experiencing considerable improvement now and feel more hopeful. You are right that if I had that amazing window in July, my brain is capable of it again!

[Iggy131313]

tell us more nadia, what improvements are you seeing??

[Nadia]

Hi Iggy,

 

Coincidentally I was about to post about my improvement! The past three days I've been much, much better. The closest to "normal" since July. I still wake up after a few hours, but am able to go back to sleep, and have very low AM anxiety. I have been getting up earlier instead of fighting it and that helps.

 

During the day my mood has been better. I am not having awful suicidal thoughts (hoping I get hit by a car, hoping the world ends, wishing my mom was gone so I could just stop living, etc.), and I've been pretty active. I get really tired, but it's felt like a more healthy kind of physical tired, instead of the flu-like tired. The difference is subtle but it is there.

 

I feel pretty emotional and there is a lot of hard work to do... I can't say I'm enjoying myself or anything, but I feel a recognizable ME... willing and able to trudge through life. I'm not as horrified about having to deal with certain people and family. I find myself agreeing to activities that I found horrifying a little while ago. Like my mental state is more flexible.

 

I hope this lasts! I worked so hard to get here. Mostly by relentlessly concentrating on not falling into spirals of bad thinking. When I felt really awful I would do my utmost to just feel it and not think through it, if that makes sense.

 

Or perhaps it's just that the hydrocortisone is out of my body, or I'm at a good spot in my mentstrual cycle. Who knows! I'm enjoying it for now and feel more positive about the future of my mental health. I'm also conscious that this is not a linear path and hope I won't be too distressed if I get another "wave" of symptoms. Right now I'm just trying to perpetuate this stability as long as possible... I think that might be a key to healing, to get your brain into a better "rut" than the anxiety/negativity that it found itself in from withdrawal.

 

Another positive sign: I was on a boat last week, and the last time I was I got strong "landsickness" (which is a type of dizziness where you feel like everything is moving) that lasted for months and months 24/7. This time I hardly got it! It's normal to have for a couple of days. Right now, I am dizzy at night sometimes when I close my eyes, same as I have been for the past few months. Most of the day I have no dizziness, though!

 

And a final thought, also from being on a boat. We obviously don't have total control over ourselves. We can't just "snap out" of being anxious or depressed or having insomnia. But we DO have some control over how we react to what we go through. When I was steering the boat, it struck me how similar it was to living through this. The ocean is incredibly powerful and has a "mind" of its own. Steering a tiny boat through it requires, more than anything, mindfulness about the currents and where they are pulling you. You have to find a way to use those currents to get to where you want to go. It's not about a strong resistance or a fight, it's about manipulating your way around them/with them. And THERE IS A LAG IN EFFECT. If you turn starboard, a slight movement will set you moving VERY slowly toward starboard (this is a sailboat I'm talking about, not a power boat). Sometimes you think it's too slow so you overcompensate... but the inertia of your first movement goes on, and then you've overshot your mark.

 

I think it's the same for the things we do to try to heal... eating well, exercising, resting, meditating... you have to gently direct your progress and then wait for the results patiently without overdoing it or losing hope. And the waves are going to be messy and fight your little boat sometimes, but you have to do your best to stay your course... the most important thing is awareness and acceptance.

 

Heh, that's my dumb philosophical statement for the moment. But it has helped me to think of it in that way.

 

I wish everyone courage in this difficult journey! And thank you for being there when I'm losing hope.

[Nadia]

Oh, I forgot to mention that I am still not taking ANY supplements. I've eliminated even fish oils and magnesium. Since I'm doing well, I'll probably stick with that unless it's clear there is no connection. I eat VERY healthily, so I should be getting all the nutrients I need from food.

 

I AM eating small quantities of wheat, corn, oats, chocolate, and sugar. Bad reactions to sugar continue.

[Iggy131313]

Its really wonderful that you have seen improvements Nadia and Im positive that the hydrocotiwhatsit would have definitley given you that setback....and of course the stress of losing your father which I am so sorry to hear about would also have had a huge impact on your cns and emotional health/

 

I have read many stories where people REALLy start to see big improvements at 2 or 2.5 years I am sure you will soon be putting this behind you and waking up at 8am smiling and thanking god tat its all over, and please when that happens dont go away I think I might need you.

 

Caroline x

[Nadia]

Hi Caroline,

 

I promise if I get fully well I will come back and post about it!! And that is really good to hear about the 2-2.5 year stories (where have you seen those?).

 

I've gone back and forth about wondering about that. I was on ADs for about 16 years with only tiny breaks, but it's true that every time I took a drug that worked (really only Zoloft + Wellbutrin), the good effect would wear off after about a year and a half to two years. So maybe it works that way in the reverse.

 

I seriously feel so close to normal now that I wouldn't be surprised if I start being able to sleep 7 to 8 hours straight!

[Iggy131313]

I wanted to post to you a paragraph from a guy who took about 3 years to recover from a very bad zoloft withdrawal, thinking about how you felt for those 2 weeks where you were back to normal.....

 

The recovery was slow and painful, but I became conscious of every little improvement as it happened. I got used to the pattern: something would get better for a while, then suddenly everything would swing right back and all that recovery would vanish. But I learnt the trick - once something had recovered temporarily, it was only a matter of time before it recovered permanently. It made no difference if it came back for a while... it had already revealed its weakness, and sooner or later it was going to be gone for good. That was true in every single case.

 

There are many many stories of people who recover around the 2.5 year mark and I will be keeping a very close eye on you Nadia, I have a feeling that 2013 is going to be the year that recovery happens for you. xx

[Nadia]

Awesome, Iggy! What was the source of that paragraph? I'd love to read it. It's so much easier to find horror stories than stories of hope, as you know. Because of course, once you are feeling well you stop posting. I am guilty of the same. Every time I'm feeling better I drift away from this site considerably.

 

Listen... it's really important what you do in response to the horror you are feeling. I was feeling really terrible this morning before my walk... not from withdrawal stuff, but life stuff, and it helped me enormously to walk, repeating over and over "I deeply and completely love and accept myself" (on automatic, didn't worry about whether I believed it or not). It got me thinking, too, that the desire to die is a defense mechanism to suffering. It's like dogs when they play dead or turn their bellies up... somehow your brain thinks it can withdraw from the pain and suffering by wanting to die. You just need to acknowledge this reaction and NOT believe it. Life is an incredibly powerful force and it will find its way to reinspire you.

 

Withdrawal is horrible, it truly is the worst thing I have ever experienced (though I'm sure there are far worse things, of course), but no matter how horrible or unfair this is for us, we have to take responsibility for our wellbeing. Don't expect a magic answer or a magic solution. Do something to initiate positive change. Start small, work up to larger things. I promise you the utter hell part of withdrawal passes.

[Iggy131313]

so what do you have now nadia? did you have intrusive thoughts and confusion?

 

I know you still have big time anxiety and that it what I hate the most, that and the akathisia, did you have akathisia? I havent had it since I tried to reinstate but it was pure hell.

[Nadia]

Hi Iggy, it's kind of hard to answer your question because symptoms come and go. I would say my biggest complaint is definitely interrupted sleep and morning anxiety. I also have muscle tightness and occasional dizziness (but the dizziness that still shows up now and then doesn't bother me anymore). I'm MUCH, MUCH better than I was last year (aside from the bad patch I went through in October when I used the hydrocortisone)... it's like the story you sent me of recovery, where what I define as horrible now I would have thought of as being much better then... obviously as you feel better you raise the bar of what "better" means! Sometimes I have to look back at my journal to realize how much progress I've really made.

 

Also, I'm pretty sure all my lingering symptoms are related to anxiety/high cortisol/adrenaline. Just being hypersensitive in general. As I feel better I get less sensitive, too. I think it's a lot like autoimmune disorder "flares"... anything can set it off, but when I'm well I'm more robust and resilient to being affected by things.

 

I did not have akathisia the way I've read it described, with the sudden leg jolts while sleeping and such. Since my teenage years I often had a need to bounce one of my legs up and down, like a sort of nervous tic. I had it all the time I took Zoloft, too... I think it actually increased it. Weirdly enough, that has virtually disappeared now. It is RARE that I catch myself bouncing my leg. But anyway, it was never something that bothered me, it only bothered others! So I can't say I know what it's like to suffer from that. The most I get is having to stretch a lot because of the muscle tension.

 

I think I have the hardest time with the anxiety for sure. I'm a wimp about it. I knew what it was like to be afraid and nervous before taking ADs, but at normal levels. Maybe if I had a stressful event coming up I would have trouble falling asleep, for example, but then it would go away. Now it's like if it gets turned on it takes forever to turn off.

 

The anxiety in turn affects my mood. I have always had a tendency toward pessimism and depression, and the mixture of depression and anxiety is really awful. Add not getting enough sleep, and it's a recipe for disaster! So I am conscious that in addition to withdrawal I have my regular issues to deal with, along with normal life stress and challenges. Sometimes it's hard to figure out what is what, but the good news is I think there are things that invariably will help with ALL of it. Like walking, meditating (which I am very awful at, I might add... the important thing is trying), eating well, taking time to rest, confronting your issues, etc.

 

In the end I feel like I tried to take a "shortcut" to being happy by taking antidepressants, and it backfired. If I had started walking, meditating, etc. back then INSTEAD of taking ADs, I'd probably be in much better shape now (I did do exercise and therapy at first, but with time I got lazy). I tend to be pretty lazy about self-improvement in general, or about anything that requires real effort and doesn't have immediate results. I was naturally good at certain things as a kid, and it was easy to just stick to those. Also, there is a huge difference between knowing something intellectually and really living it. I was really always interested in meditation, in letting go, in acceptance, etc.... but I had never progressed much beyond an intellectual understanding of this. I would try to meditate and my mind would wander and I didn't stick with it. This is the first time I try over and over. Success is slow but I make progress. I lose hope a lot, too. But the pain of suffering and wanting to get well and not having an easy solution in a pill for that anymore keeps me coming back to do well.

 

At first I concentrated a lot on supplements, on outside solutions (well, this is periodic... I get impatient sometimes and want another easy solution). Now I think I have to just be patient, but also do everything in my power to help my brain heal. I read stories of other people's successes in overcoming challenges to help inspire me. Then I think I personally don't have what it takes to do it. That "where there is a will, there's a way", but that I lack the will. Then I realize I have to fight for the will, too. It can seem counterintuitive... how do you muster will when you have none? Sometimes my only motivation is avoiding pain. But I also have become convinced that I can try to fake will until I actually get it... this is how I worked myself out of my last bad patch!!). I don't have to feel like doing something to do it... this involves the ability to separate yourself from what you are feeling and thinking... it's weird, but it's possible. Our brain is a complicated place... going through all of this I've realized there are many "mes" inside of me. The anxious, depressed me is often in control, but if I can get the other mes to show up more and more often, then they will eventually take control.

 

I think of the two weeks when I was great in July... MY brain was capable of that. MY brain and body were capable of sleeping 10 hours straight, of laughing and feeling happy, of being inspired and feeling creative and wanting to live... not just for minutes at a time, but days. If I could reach that then, it is possible for me. And reading stories like the one you sent me are really encouraging! So, thank you...

[Nadia]

Oops, forgot to answer about intrusive thoughts and confusion... certainly had those before and during my last bad patch, have them less and less. Sometimes they are gone entirely and it's effortless. Other times I have to work at it. Like yesterday and today. Walking, meditating, positive affirmations.

[Nadia]

Also, keep in mind that I had intrusive thoughts before meds anyway... so they are not necessarily part of withdrawal anymore for me.

[antoinette]

Nadia I read some of your posts. I couldn't read all of them, but you sound like me. I have intrusive thoughts. How long has it taken you to feel better? I'm at 7 mos and a lot better than I was but I'm still scared. My anxiety is the worst. Depression is gone pretty much.

[antoinette]

Nadia what are your intrusive thoughts? I hate them. If I could get rid.of them I would be in high heaven. I've always had.ocd and since being off the meds its been in overdrive and I know its because my brain is off right now but it needs to go!!!!!!! Have u had ocd before??

[Barbarannamated]

Hey Nadia. Thinking about you and hope you're doing well.

 

Hugs!

B

[Nadia]

Hi everyone,

 

Sorry I have disappeared! I found myself getting too obsessive with wanting to find a quick fix to withdrawal. I have realized over the past two years that the best thing I can do, over ANY supplement or food or anything, is RELAX. This is something that doesn't come naturally to my over-analytic mind... never mind my ANXIOUS over-analytic mind! So I thought it best to take a step back.

 

I wanted to come back, though, to tell you about my progress. No, I'm not fully healed, I still have some problems with anxiety and insomnia, BUT IT IS AMAZING HOW FAR I HAVE COME!!! On days/weeks where I relapse (usually due to stress) it can be hard to feel that way, but as soon as I look back and remember what I was going through when this whole nightmare started, I think, PHEW... I AM better! My worst days now are 100 times better than my best days then!

 

The most significant change I feel is that I FEEL HUMAN most of the time. Even if I have anxiety, I don't have the horrible DP/DR that I used to get. The last time I felt that way, actually, was when I used some cream with hydrocortisone. I made it out of that bad relapse fairly quickly, though. I decided to work part time instead of full time, and started taking some art classes and a meditative martial arts class sort of like Tai Chi. I also walked every day and did back exercises and stretching. At first I would get really tired because I was doing a lot more exercise. I would get the flu-like feeling at night, and get very irritable. My muscle aches would get worse, too.

 

But I stuck with it, and then I went on a vacation to the beach. I was suddenly feeling the best I've ever felt, even better than my previous vacations when I also got well. When I got back, I had a bit of a relapse, but this time the relapse was not as bad. It was like I had finally gained some real resiliency.

 

This year, I've had some pretty high stress situations, and each time I get anxious, and it affects my sleep, but I have noticed the anxiety hardly ever progresses to panic anymore. Some days I feel more centered than I have ever been in my life. My relapses are less severe and shorter!

 

My most consistent symptoms are poor sleep and anxiety, but they are not nearly as strong as they used to be. I hardly ever get that horrible, horrible morning dread I used to get. One day last month I even slept 11 hours! The anxiety feels more like extreme stress, a more familiar feeling from the past. And the past few months I have had NO issues with weird muscle aches or the flu-like feeling.

 

Sometimes I get these random symptoms that make me realize how long they have been absent. For example, I got intermittent tinnitus in my right ear last month for about two weeks, and then this week for about 3 days. And I felt slightly dizzy for a couple of days this week, too. It made me realize... WOW... I used to be dizzy all day, every day the first year!

 

So, what has made me better?? I am convinced the main ingredient is TIME, but I also have come to realize how important it is to focus on other stuff. Do whatever you can at whatever level you are at to socialize, to not concentrate on your symptoms, to find distractions and things that will eventually make you feel fulfilled. Sometimes I find myself going through the motions, just trudging through to get through the day. But the horrible days are much fewer and further between than they used to be. I struggle with this a lot, but I have found the clearest relationship between what I do and getting better is the times I am able to stop worrying and go with the flow of life.

 

This doesn't mean being reckless. I still need to make sure I stick to a routine, go to bed early, don't stay up on the computer late, don't watch violent stuff or go to places with loud noises if I am feeling unstable, don't eat massive amounts of chocolate or drink if I am feeling bad, don't stop walking and meditating, etc. But, beyond a gentle discipline of every day care, GO OUT AND LIVE. Stop thinking about your symptoms. Just let them be. Concentrate on the good things in life, or what you know your past self knew were the good things in life. Neuroplasticity will do the rest. And this builds over time.

 

So, Alto... I want to change my title from "Is there hope?" to "THERE IS HOPE"!! Can I do that?

 

I wish all of you courage on this journey!!! Take it one step at a time. If you give up, get up again. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and someday you will, too.

 

Nadia

 

P.S. I have pretty much stopped taking any supplements, because almost anything I took ended up hurting more than helping. I am trying to get pregnant, though, so I take some L-arginine and NAC to help with that, and have found it can help me sleep. I have also modified my diet from very strict paleo to eating a bit more carbs like potatoes and occasional cake.  =) That seems to help my mood and sleep as well.

[Nadia]

I forgot to mention that the other huge improvement I've seen the past few months is that I haven't had those horrible drops in energy that I used to. I was constantly wired and tired before. I would be too amped one day, and then so tired I could not even handle the thought of doing the most basic things the next. Now my energy levels are more level. There is still room for improvement, but on many days now I feel like my old self in terms of gumption and energy and that is totally new and amazing.

[Altostrata]

So excellent to hear this, Nadia!

 

The change in title says it all.

[Karma]

Nadia

 

You sound so good!  Thanks for dropping in to let us know that there is hope and there is recovery.

 

Karma

[tezza]

Nadia! I'm so, so happy for you. Your situation was heart-breaking so this is terrific news! Thank you for sharing!

[theelt712]

This is awesome to hear, thank you for updating!

[alex]

Thank you Nadia.

There is hope, of course.

[Barbarannamated]

So good to hear, Nadia. You give me hope.

[Nadia]

Thanks for changing my title, Alto.

 

And hugs to everyone... hang in there!

 

I'll be back to post with further progress or anything helpful I may find. Thank you all for your help, too!

[basildev]

Great to hear from you Nadia!

 

So happy for you:)

 

{{{hugs}}}