☼ Pepita: Getting off Cipralex, having a very hard time

[DaddyCee]

Hi Pepita.

 

Long time no speak.  Sorry to hear you are in a wave, but please remember that this too shall pass.  Try not to focus on your situation and just have acceptance that this is how you are feeling now. If you resist then the feelings will persist.  Congratulations!!!! on being one year off, that is such an achievement you really do need to give yourself a big pat on the back.

 

Namaste,

 

DC.

[Pepita]

Hi DC! Yes, long time no speak! How are you doing? 

Yes:( This wave:( is absolute horror this time:( Because I like the stupid dog very much and I would feel like the biggest loser on the planet if I gave her up, but in the meantime I really don´t know if things can get better with all this stress:( This is the worst situation I´ve been in since a few weeks after taking my last dosage...or worse because this time I can´t switch off stress around me - the pup is here and needs constant care. I am shaking taking her downstairs or to a dog park, I am losing my mind ( And at the same time I find her cute and got a lot of love for her ...AND at the same time I feel like I just can´t do it...WAHHHHH...I know one year being off meds is awesome but sometimes now I feel so desperate that I am thinking about reinstating and just taking this crap for the rest of my life. No. Not really but I am really really lost at the moment. 

[Pepita]

Hi everyone, I just wanted to give a quick update on my recovery - process. So after the huge setback I had due to all the stress with the puppy I am back on a good healing track I´d say! I´ve had real bad waves (or one big bad one) as soon as I got the dog because I was so overwhelmed and stressed with this new situation in my life and I was constantly thinking what a crazy decision this has been after not being completely healed from the withdrawal yet etc. 
Turns out it was not a bad idea to get the dog - though I´d strongly advise anyone in WD living alone, caring for an animal alone to wait until you certainly can handle your waves;) I am blessed with having a wonderful boyfriend who stepped in when he saw how stressed out I got. 

 

Anyway - I am back on track, experiencing a good window at the moment (for the past 2-3 weeks). Tomorrow I´ll take another huge step and start freelancing at an agency for the first time since WD started. I am quite nervous about this because since WD began I only worked from my own office and could easily relax or go home if I was experiencing any bad days. I hope everything will go well and that I won´t fall into a bad wave while working there (for the next 3 months;)) we´ll see. 

Things I still am experiencing from time to time (even now in the window) is vertigo and over sensitivity to light and noise. But alright - everything is better than depressive mood swings, I find those the hardest:) 

How are you all handling your recovery? I hope you are well and experiencing as many long windows as possible and that life is treating you well 

Best wishes, 
Marlene 

[bubble]

Hello Pepita and thank you for a very nice update. It's really nice to hear things are going so well for you and that you successfully incorporated the puppy into your life.

 

I can totally understand your anticipatory anxiety about the new working arrangement. It's natural and of course intensified by WD . But you sound stronger and you are stronger. Plus you know yourself well and can take a good care of yourself, recognising the triggers on time and taking steps to move away from them and defuse them. We learn so much about ourselves in this process.

 

I've also been doing better lately and even resumed my taper. Cautiously optimistic 

[Pepita]

Hi Bubble, 

WOOOOW congratulations on resuming your taper!! Good to hear you´re doing well! 

May we all keep feeling better:))))

[Pepita]

weeeeellll yeah, quick update to my first time since a year sitting in an agency again: First day went really well, night to second day could not sleep and had panic reactions most time of the day, second night- did not sleep well and today was 5 hours of panic flight reaction nonstop. So for tomorrow I could luckily arrange to take the jobs to my own office but I must say I feel a little crushed. I was really happy after the first good day that it went so well, was glad to be sitting with other people for a change... but well. Neeves weren't ready these days I guess. In a few years I will hopefully have forgotten what panic feels like.

[Pepita]

I really admire all of you who can continue to work in another enovornment than home or private office, I don't know how you do it!

[Pepita]

Hi everyone! I just read through my introduction thread and it dawned on me (though I always tend to see all the things that still habe to improve) how much wonderful progress I've made in my WD within one year now.

 

So I thought I'd write some encouraging words for those in the midst of terrible WD symptoms:)

 

A year ago I needed someone around me all the time, because I was afraid of being alone. Now can I can happily enjoy some me-time again!

 

A year ago I could barely sleep. Now I sleep like a baby:) no waking up in horror, sweating and being anxious.

 

A year ago, I never knew what the next day would bring. I could not rely on myself in any way. No I am a lot more stable and confident in my mental state. I still get waves, but they are not nearly as devastating and restrictive as they were only some months ago.

 

A year ago I had constant brain fog- so far, this never recured for a very long time now!

 

A year ago I felt unable to meet my friends, to go to public places or to exercise. Today I am meeting my friends whenever I want to and I am exercising regularly at my fitness center.

 

A year ago I thought I'd never be able to work again. I am self dependent and I coule barely concentrate for more than 30 minutes a day. I still habe to be very careful with work because stress tends to push me into waves- but I am now working about 30-40 h a week, including having meetings from time to time:)

 

Well, there's many other things that got a lot better of course, but I guess you get the idea;)

 

I am still not 100% healed, sometimes I am very pissed that I still get waves, sometimes I still ask myself if I am just a little crazy- but reading my own words from a year ago- I can definitely recognize HUGE improvements! Amazing!

 

So I can tell everyone out there, despairing and living through hell- IT DOES GET BETTER, you're NOT crazy and if you'll just stay strong and literally SURVIVE this - you will be rewarded )))

 

just take it day by day, get all the support you can by family/friends. If you just find one or two people who may not understand what you ar going through, but who are willing to accept you the way you are in these hard times and who you can call any time, just to say "it's horrible at the moment", that will be of so much help!

I often didn't know what to tell my mum and my boyfriend any more. I felt like I was telling th same s**t all the time and that they must hate me by now.. so I told them *codeword red* which just meant all the worse things.

 

Hang in there:) I hope my words give hope to some

of you.

 

Best,

Pepita

[ChessieCat]

Hi Pepita,

 

I've moved your new Intro topic to your original.  Each member has only 1 Intro/Update topic.

 

It's good to hear that you are doing so much better.  Thank you for taking the time to come back and tell us of the improvements and giving encouragement to other members.

[Pepita]

@cheasiechat oh yes sure, thank you:) I didn't know that. I just thought that this is different than my old story and somewhere at the end of my thread, nobody will find it:D can I change the title of my thread?

[ChessieCat]

If we change the title for one member then it would be expected that we would do it for other members too.  If we started doing that we wouldn't have time to be providing information and support to the members, which is what our role is.

[Pepita]

oh no- of course not, I thought maybe that option existed in my own profile and I coule do so myself. No worries

[AliG]

Hi Pepita.  It's great to hear from you and particularly with such wonderful improvement !  It sounds like you are a success story in the making and I hope you continue to update us as you can.

 

Your words will definitely give hope to many here and the effect of that can't be underestimated. Thank you for coming back to share your progress.

 

Please do keep in touch. We'll look forward to your next update.

Ali

[Pepita]

Hello to everyone following my topic:) 
Though my last entry has been very optimistic - and all that positive improvements are a matter of fact - I am having one of these days today, where I am so afraid that I will never be a balanced person ever again, it is exhausting. As I have said in my last entry, my life is so much better than a year ago but of course there are better and worse days, and all in all I still have to be sort of extra careful with myself all the time, specially concerning work - and sometimes I wonder: Will I be like this forever? What if it ever gets worse again? What if can handle what´s coming next and so on...(sh*tty ruminating thoughts so to speak;)) 

 

Anyone of you experiencing these sort of worries? 
 

[scallywag]

For me, those thoughts occurred before I took an antidepressant; they occurred when I was and am taking one; they occurred after I'd stopped taking an antidepressant. Sorry to be the bearer of not-nice-to-hear news. We can build strategies and strength to deal with them:
Change the channel - dealing with cognitive symptoms.
Dealing with emotional spirals

[Pepita]

hi scallywag - oh:( sorry to hear that you are always in company of these worries. I usuallay habe a very positive point of view concerning recovery and my future BUT there are days where everything breaks down and everything turns black for me - usually in a wave;)

[Pepita]

Hi everyone,

just reaching out to my fellow WD Companions as I am experiencing quite a strong wave for a few weeks now;/ I have been sooo good already before, having great, long lasting windows that this wave rocks my world pretty hard I have to confess. I am mainly feeling very tired and depressed, experiencing headaches and obessive thoughts as well as I am avoiding to meet friends at the moment because I don't want to admit that I am feeling down or I feel like they'd recognise my suffering right away so I am sort of retreating in my safety zone, always measuring if I should try to get up and do something or just let it pass and try to relax (as I rarely have the time to do so). I find it hard these days to focus on all the things that have improved so far and dwell on all the thoughts and worries grrrrrrrrrrr... I am

about to hit the 18 months mark and I feel like oh crap please let it be over for good and that I don't want to be patient any more;) I know there's no alternative but well.. thats just where I am right now and I wish I could talk to someone who's been there.

[doggiemama]

Pep I know just how you feel I've been in this for 3 years and it's hell just when you think you over withdrawal you get a bad wave. Anything that upsets me makes me feel ill for days after hang in there you know it's going to pass. How is your pup doing? What type of dog is she? I have 3 stories and find it very hard to care for them but I love them anyway

[Pepita]

thank you for your words! Yes I know .. I KNOW it is going to pass but when everything is this dark it is so hard to believe it. The "pup" is doing great, she is almost a year old now so not quite a pup anymore but a teenager. She is an amstaff and really a lovely dog! i am sooo glad my boyfriend helpes me with her during harder days, alone I might have given her up and I would have regretted it forever! I love her very very much!! you've got 3 dogs, wow- quite a hand!!! I don't know how anyone can have more than one????

[doggiemama]

Mine are 3 small dogs but still need care and they are my company as my son is a teenager who is out with his friends and I'm alone . Next year my boy will leave school and be on his way to university or work then I will be truly on my own, I have no family in my small town so maybe I will sell and move closer to family . But that's for the future . You are going to get passed this and be stronger than you ever were . Most people that have been through this have a different out look in life and just living is sweeter

[Pepita]

Hi there everyone, I have a question for you: Like in my last uldate, I am still experiencing a longlasting enerving wave and I've haf a few very very very bad days now- specially concerning depressive swings and headaches and sort of a totally

overwhelming exhaustion. I get up in the morning, drive to work and feel like I had eorked 40 hours:( I haven't had such a strong wave for about 9 monts or so. I was wondering: have you experienced such strong waves like in the beginning after a long time?

Best, Pepita

[Pepita]

sorry for my typing errors I am on my smartphone

[scallywag]

Some people do experience waves more than a year after the last dose, sad to say.

[Pepita]

yes of course... that I had to learn the hard way myself;) I am used to having waves/ windows - it's just that this one reminds me of a time very early in WD, really scary. So I was wondering if others have experienced real strong waves like in the beginning after what I'd consider quit a while. To be honest, the way I experience this I think it will take me at least 3-5 years to really become stable. Itmifht happen earlier of course ))) but I see this is taking it's sweet time

[bubble]

Hello Pepita.

 

I read quite a bit of stories here and what you describe sounds very familiar. People do write about early like WD appearing quite far out. I can imagine how scary and disheartening that is, feeling back at square one but that's just because this process is not linear. And this is how our brains fix themselves: like a Rubic cube, going back to very old and already settled pieces of puzzle in order to be able to fix something further down the line.

 

Another storm to be weathered, some more waves hitting hard and losing strength in the process. Treat yourself with as much gentle care and attention as you can. Don't feel bad about having to withdraw and conserve the energy.

 

Since we know the night is at its darkest just before the dawn I hope this wave loses its strength soon.

[Pepita]

Hi Bubble! Thank you so much for your words! I feel a little easier at heart now!

[Pepita]

Hello everyone, 

I just wanted to give a short update and talk about a subject that I was reflecting on a lot the past few days. 

I´ve had a brief wonderful 2-3 weeks window where I really had times I felt totally my old self again:)) IT WAS WONDERFUL! Like ALL my symptoms were gone for a few days so that I thought: Wow, was this all a dream??? Then I went to the gym. I wanted to do Yoga because I already know that I still can´t handle hardcore training. But at the gym I met my kickboxing friends and they were about to have a class and we were all so happy to see each other and I felt so wonderful that I decided to join them. During class I felt WONDERFUL:))) Again, like everything I´ve been through the last 1.5 years were non existent. Next day wave came crashing again. Well. At least this assures me again that this is all due to WD as I never ever had troubles after training. Not before meds, not while on them. 

So. Anyway, now everything is so so again. Not horribly bad, not really good, mood changing often throughout the day. 

 

Also I went to my GP recently just for a regular health check and to calm my "what if" questions Everything at perfect health. My GP luckily is aware of the danger of AD´s and he said that he is happy that I am experiencing windows and as well wrote a letter of referral for me to get CBT sessions (I finally feel fit enough to do so;)) 

 

So what I was reflecting about is how I adjusted to being so much better than a year ago and how I am very impatient and often focussing on what I STILL CAN´T DO instead of seeing everything that I already CAN DO. Like training wise - I couldn´t even enter the gym for 6 - 9 months. Now I can go even if I have to drag myself a little depending on the day but I CAN GO. And even if I train like an old lady for my standards - I DO;) 
 

Or yesterday there was a brunch at a friends house. I had one of those not so good days feeling like my nerves were plain and mood low. But still - I WENT. In the beginning of WD NEVER EVER would I have been able to do so. 

 

And a few days ago I went to a classical concert with my mum. As soon as the room was filled, it was getting louder, my nerves went crazy, I started getting cold sweat, specially when everybody clapped during the pieces as I am very sensitive to sound since WD. And afterwards I was so frustrated. Thinking: This is hell, it´s been so long and I still can´t simply enjoy such a decent event like a normal person and so on and so on. 

 

But yesterday, during meditation I became so aware of my negativity and that I was blocking out everything that I have achieved so far...I started swiching my thoughts to positive self love at an instant and this makes such a huge difference:))) 

That´s all I wanted to share and maybe remind you - if you should be in that negative state of mind - to remind yourself of the things that have improved already. 
 

Much love from Vienna, 
Pepita

[AliG]

Pepita.You have a positive energy that is infectious.I understand about the gym.I was such a gym bunny and then it all went south during withdrawal.I'm still trying to get back to it.

 

I love your attitude and you are right - attitude is everything!

[Pepita]

yes, attitude really IS everything! Sometimes it seems impossible to change it but if we are able to so, it is transforming!

 

AliG, is it more of a mental or physical

issue that you can't go back to the gym

yet? (or are you, bu can't perform the way yet you used to)?

[Happy2Heal]

On 6/4/2017 at 0:48 PM, Pepita said:

That´s all I wanted to share and maybe remind you - if you should be in that negative state of mind - to remind yourself of the things that have improved already. 
 

Much love from Vienna, 
Pepita

 

I needed this reminder today

thank you!

 

[Pepita]

Hi everybody, I hope you are coping as good as possible! 
Last week was really interesting for me and it got me wondering if WD plays it´s tolls on me so much that I sometimes am not as good as I could be? 
For example: Last week on wednesday I was feeling very wavy, sad, angry shaky all together. And I was so pissed because there was a training in the evening where I wanted to go and my boyfriend goes there as well..I was so desperate because I thought: I can´t go there because of this f****** WD and I feel so low und without energy etc. But then I got so mad that I decided to go anyway and if I felt worse the next day - so be it. So I went. My mood was 100 times lifted afterwards, even went to have some pizza with the others (which I was too afraid to do so for weeks now). And this weekend I sort of just lived my life the way I would. Training Sat. morning, going for a walk into the woods with my dog and friends, I even went to a Gala-Fight event in the evening because one of my trainers was debuting his first MMA fight. I was so scared at first to go there because this would be a typical feel horrible symptoms situation. Heated room, tons of people, loud music..afterwards we went to a restaurant (where I had some issues for half an hour or so, nerves going week, sweating, ..) and then we went to a bar and had a drink! WONDERFUL hehe. All the time I thought..maybe this is going to bite me back tomorrow but I just can´t stand this waiting position any more. I´m losing my mind always cutting back on all the things I love to do all the time. Sure I have to be careful - but I thought "maybe sometimes I am being too careful", you know what I mean? When we got so overly concious of everything we feel and so I hereby decided that I´d rather go somewhere and then leave (if feeling too terrible) than not going at all

Can´t wait for the time when all of this will be history:) 
Wishing you all a peaceful sunday evening, 
Pepita

[Pepita]

oh, and I came across this wonderful drawing that is so similar to WD I´d say:)) 

[KarenB]

I LOVE that!  I want to print it out and stick it on my fridge.  I think that needs a thread of it's own somewhere.  Actually, it would go nicely in the Windows and Waves thread.  Want to put it there too? 

[Pepita]

6 hours ago, KarenB said:

I LOVE that!  I want to print it out and stick it on my fridge.  I think that needs a thread of it's own somewhere.  Actually, it would go nicely in the Windows and Waves thread.  Want to put it there too? 

true! Just did share it there:)

[Pepita]

Hi everyone- just wanted to give a quick update again: I am still enjoying a very very nice window (for about a month now) and I am specially enjoying this one because I made huge progress concerning stressful situations and training. the last 2 weeks were a handful, dog got bitten, stress wirh work, went to a regular boxing training (wich threw me back into waves recently but I badly wanted to try) and at the end of the day I realized ... hey, none of it affected me in a very unpleasent way.. of course- I was worried and shocked when my dog was attacked but I calmed down quickly afterwards LIKE A NORMAL PERSON??? love it. At the same time I know this might not stay forever and I guess I'll

still have some waves to endure but I really treasure this time with all my heart. 

Last wave was long and hard and I once again was sort of afraid that I may could be like this forever but boy was I wrong. 

 

Hope you're all handling WD as well as possible, or even be enjoying good times! 

 

Pepita

[KarenB]

Lovely update Pepita.  Enjoy the good times...