Peonies: Hello everyone!

[Peonies]

Hi Molly! 

Goodness look you are a moderator! Congratulations Molly you deserve it, you have been of such help to me and many others, really a ray of sunshine when the rain does not seem to let off. 

 

Thank you for your advise! I have looked at the videos and found them really quite comforting actually. It helps to know that a doctor out there understands. It has been oh so hard these past few days. Especially today, there had been many a time I wished to just break down and cry in desperation. I have been advised by other OCD sufferers that it is best for me to stay off the internet in regards to my new obsession about sexual orientation. I find this so hard. I read stories upon stories of women coming out as lesbians and now every time I think of a woman or even as much as look at one the paranoia strikes me. 

 

It s such a struggle this OCD. I hope it lets off easy as I begin the grueling tasks of exposure therapy again. I just feel in the verge of tears constantly. As for my fear and paranoia, and of course the horrible anxiety fueled hallucinations, they have calmed down for now. I know schizophrenia runs in my family prominently but i don't think it is that. I think I am just afraid. 

 

How hard it is to sometimes talk to anyone now.  

[ChessieCat]

Here are the links to a couple of topics which might be helpful:

 

Neuro Emotions

 

OCD Obsessive Thoughts, Compulsive Behaviours

 

And these are good:

 

Audio:  First Aid for Panic (4 minutes)
 

Audio:  How to Recover from Anxiety - Dr Claire Weekes

[Peonies]

Im not too sure of what to say. 

 

I am a complete and utter disaster Today my physical symptoms were ridiculously bad. My private area sensation or "PGAD" was absolutely horrible. I was riding in the car getting food and I just had a moment of desperation. It was like arousal and pain at the same time. Not all over my genital region thank goodness but it was so hard. I just burst into tears in the car. 

I crave normality again. I also think this might have happened because I accidentally missed two doses of my medication  I could not find the bottle. 

 

I am in such disarray. I went back to old habits.  ( Trigger Warning ) Mutilating my arms and the inside parts of my things just to find distraction from the pain. I have gone though so much in my life, i really don't need more. I just want to be normal. Goodness I just want to be normal. I just want to end the suffering. 

[ChessieCat]

3 minutes ago, Peonies said:

I also think this might have happened because I accidentally missed two doses of my medication  I could not find the bottle. 

 

Quite likely.

[Peonies]

37 minutes ago, ChessieCat said:

 

Quite likely.

 

Sorry, I did this to myself. gosh I was doing relatively good, and now this. Is it possible for me to go back to being stable again after this? of did I damage myself permanently this time?

[ChessieCat]

Yes, you can go back to being stable, but it will take time.  How long?  We don't know.  It takes about 4 days for the drug to get to full dose in the blood after a dose change and a few more days before it registers in the brain.  You might have a few more uncomfortable experiences during this time so it will be important to remind yourself that you missed your tablets and that your brain is working to stabilise.

 

Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

Stabilising

Withdrawal Normal Description

 

Keep it Simple, Slow and Stable

 

Fear, terror, panic, and anxiety

 

Health anxiety, hypochondria, and obsession with symptoms
 

 

 

[Peonies]

2 hours ago, ChessieCat said:

Yes, you can go back to being stable, but it will take time.  How long?  We don't know.  It takes about 4 days for the drug to get to full dose in the blood after a dose change and a few more days before it registers in the brain.  You might have a few more uncomfortable experiences during this time so it will be important to remind yourself that you missed your tablets and that your brain is working to stabilise.

 

Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

Stabilising

Withdrawal Normal Description

 

Keep it Simple, Slow and Stable

 

Fear, terror, panic, and anxiety

 

Health anxiety, hypochondria, and obsession with symptoms
 

 

 

 

Chessie I cannot thank you enough for your kindness and patience today with me. right now I seem to feel a bit more stable. I will make sure not to skip a dose again. Im feeling quite suicidal right now. 

 

I had to go to the hospital for a psych evaluation because of the ( Trigger Warning ) self mutilation and suicidal thoughts and feelings that I have. 

 

Although they understood what I was going though all they could offer was a recommendation to keep taking my medication as directed (40 mg) I don't agree with them however. 

 

I wish to die so much right now. 

[MollyN]

I'm so sorry to see you're having such a hard time right now peonies xxx You will be stable again, just give it a little time and try and practice your breathing when you feel as though everything is too much. Try and simplify your life as much as you can right now, so that important things like taking your paxil dose don't get hidden by other thoughts and busyness xxx

 

Remember, this isn't some sort of defect in your character, you're dealing with tough drug withdrawal here, and even a cursory read around the boards will show you that the struggles are real and a great many highly functioning people were laid low for a period of their lives due to these drugs. 

 

You mentioned a therapist? How is that going? big hugs xxx (and thank you much for encouraging me, despite feeling so bad yourself!!)

[Peonies]

Molly, It is absolutely no problem, even when Im in my depths of despair I try to give out some light, as much as I can. 

 

I feel a bit better. The last two days I have been taking the medication as directed and it seems I have stabilized again, The OCD has calmed down, and the sensations in my groin have also calmed down. Im writing poetry about my experiences at the moment. Now I understand why Paxil is so hard to withdraw from, it is absolute hell I think. 

 

Tomorrow I have my second job interview with the place I had applied to. I do hope I get the job. I hope I am okay. This is going to be so hard. 

[Peonies]

Also about my psychologist... she said something last session that left a bad taste in my mouth.

 

She is quite religious, Christian actually, and I am atheist. I think everyone should practice whatever religion they so please, but she kind of was trying to get me to pray to God to help me. I did not much appreciate that. When I expressed to her that I was not comfortable with doing that, she pushed on about it. Saying "Maybe its time you start praying to Him, He can heal you" that made me very, very uncomfortable. I have absolutely never pushed my own beliefs or non-beliefs on her, we do not even so much as speak of religion. I do not understand why she had to do that. That did make me feel odd. 

 

 

[ChessieCat]

Maybe when you see her next time you need to say straight up that you do not want religion brought into your sessions.  If you don't do this, then you will be anxious (predictive anxiety) wondering if she is going to say something.  If she does not do as ask then I think you would need to find a new psychologist.

 

I actually had the opposite happen to me, a psychologist who was trying to push new age on me.  However once she knew I was a Christian she was more careful what she said and suggested.  I kept seeing her because she was helpful and we respected that we had differing opinions.

[Peonies]

Thanks for the suggestions Chessie. I will have to speak to her about this on Thursday when I see her. 

 

I got the job. I go in for the orientation session tomorrow. I worry that my symptoms might flare up again, or that the feeling in my groin might come back. I heard such disease never goes away. I have read that it will only get worse in the coming years and that eventually there will be no stopping it. Im afraid this might be my case and I may be stuck with such an awful sensation for the rest of my life. I do not know if I could live that way. I can barely live right now. I am very sorry to everyone that  have not been keeping up my journal entries, and that I have been so depressed. Life and hope for me seems so bleak at the moment I have so many doubts and fears for my future.

 

I wish any readers best of luck in their journey, and thank you Chessie and Molly for all your support. 

 

Until next time,.

[Peonies]

Just a slight update. I went though with my orientation at my new job. It was okay. My "PGAD" has been very relentless these past few days. It almost feels like my insides are irritated. I am not sure if it is because I am anxious or because I am actually experiencing "PGAD" but sitting down and being in the car have been hell. 

 

Before my "PGAD" symptoms were quite mild, now I fear and feel that they have gotten worse since my withdrawal. Once again I have read that this will continue to get worse over time until I am constantly climaxing. 

 

I feel absolutely hopeless. 

[Peonies]

An update:

 

I feel absolutely suicidal. The throbbing and pulsating is getting absolutely horrendous. It feels like some sort of anxiety attack or spasm inside me. I feel like ending my life today.

It is my first day at my job and I already feel like quitting. I have already left school. I feel I have nothing to live for. 

 

I saw a few doctors today. I saw my new psychiatrist to semi-bad results. He was not educated in PGAD, however he was at least sympathetic to my plight. I just about cried the entire consultation. He believes that I acquired the disorder from sudden withdrawal and dosage skipping.  He said he is positive it should clear up but it will take time but at this point I feel so hopeless.  I feel it is just a matter of days before I begin to orgasm uncontrollably. 

He said he will hep me taper off the dosage, however although he says he will go slow he does not want to go as slow as I intended to. He wants me to be off in 4-5 months as my symptoms come back when I drop a dose.

 

I don't know how long it will be before I take my own life. 

[Peonies]

Not sure what to do about this but I have started to urinate blood. 

[miT]

Peonies, feel the anxiety, the spasms. I have those too.

Feeling the pain breaks old patterns and heals your brain and CNS.

[bubble]

You see that symptoms intensify and then calm down again, they come and go.

 

Just repeat to yourself: it will pass.

 

Deep breathing is powerful. Start practicing it as if your life depended on it. Start with 10 seconds only.

 

Your doctor is quite right: skipping doses and stopping your drug destabilised you. But our brains have a remarkeable ability to heal themselves. All we have to do is practice being calm and distracting.

 

Take things at work slowly and calmly. Don't quit immediately.

 

I found the application calm.com extremely helpful in cultivating mindfulness, calm and acceptance.

 

Every second when we remind ourselves to breathe and focus on the present moment counts.

 

Small baby steps.

[bubble]

7 hours ago, Peonies said:

Not sure what to do about this but I have started to urinate blood. 

 

Do what you would do under the regular curcumstances: stay calm, don't panic, go to your GP, explain calmly. He or she will probably run some tests. Take it from there.

 

Here is a very powerful, simple and short breathing exercise with demonstration and explanation of benefits:

 

https://www.drweil.com/videos-features/videos/the-4-7-8-breath-health-benefits-demonstration/

 

I fear people we advise to practice breathing or calming yoga don't really understand the importance of it. Youmight think that your symptoms are too severe for such techniques to do anything for you.

 

But you would be very wrong there. They are at their most powerful at such times. All we can do for out central nervous system is to ground it and calm it. Breathing does exactly that. It's like running cold water over a burnt area of skin: the most natural and the most effecient thing to do.

[Peonies]

miT: Thank you for the kind words... maybe I am healing... but I am going though a bad stage right now...Every day seems to be so different. One day I seem to be okay, minimal sensation and the next day its mildly bad. Yesterday I enjoyed a nice day, barely any problems...then today, again I have issues. 

 

Bubble: Hello, I have started my deep breathing. I hate this feeling. All of it. It sometimes feels like shivers all over my body, like my body is lethargic. Yes I do seem some patterns... A while ago I had a 3 week window of barely any symptoms and then suddenly now it changes every day ever since I skipped those two doses. Yesterday I barely had any sensations and all was good, but today the sensation is back and mildly bad. When will this calm down? 

Im trying but sometimes its so difficult. 

[cathyfrench]

Hi Peonies, 

 

I also have PGAD since I started and stopped Sertraline 6 months ago and I understand your anguish ( I feel the same) . I would like to reassure you. Usually PGAD only appears when just starting or stopping abruptly an antidepressant and this isn't your case (it was mine).  Your are tappering slowly so you should be ok (dont' skip your dose).  A lot of people recover from PGAD and PGAD is rarely about spontaneous orgasms. Hopefull  and Martina on this forum recovered from PGAD, it took time but it went. Spontaneous orgasms are very rare. Most women don't get them. Usually PGAD comes with a lot of other symptoms  and it appears very fast  and theses symptoms are very violent and painfull .  Usually you get vaginal lubrification, genital engorgement, backpain (when related with Pudendal Neuralgia), urinary frequency and hyperactive, painfull bladder. Do you have any of these symptoms  (I have them because I had already a lot of genital weakness when I started the antidepressant)?  If you don't have any of these symptoms your PGAD is mild and should go away.  Do you feel PGAD when you are busy doing other things ?  I think you are very young and usually PGAD affects women after childbirth, in perimenopause or in menopause ( I don't think it is your case, it is my case, Iam menopausal)  In the US  there are a lot of specialists working on PGAD and they are starting to find solutions. Dr Goldstein in San Diego has helped plenty of women with PGAD and these doctors say PGAD is curable. 

 

 A good article on PGAD, I suggest you bring it to your doctors and psychiatrist (I had to bring official litterature because my psychiatrist thought I was having a psychotic break and didn't believe or knew about PGAD as a result they made me do a very fast taper and tried to switch me on an antipsychotic and my PGAD stayed )

 

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/249594.php

 

http://www.instituteforwomeninpain.com/dr.-echenberg-answers-questions-on-pgad

 

If you are urinating blood, you might have a cystitis or a urinary infection and this could explain your feelings. It is important you see a urologist to be properly help if you have a cystitis. 

 

A lot of things help with PGAD.  I really advise you to see a physiotherapist specialised in pelvic pain and he/she can show you exercises to relax your pelvic area.

 

Acupuncture, homeopathy, tens unit, hot baths with epsom salt, ice packs on the private parts help also. 

 

There are a lot of people on this forum who got PGAD and they recovered so we need to believe we will get better. 

 

Take good care 

 

Cathy

 

 

 

 

 

[Peonies]

Cathy: Hello, oh my goodness, I am so sorry you are also dealing with this as well. I know how you feel. Although now I am tapering off the medication how I was supposed to, I began to have the PGAD feelings from skipping dosages. I would skip a dosage for a week or maybe 5 days sometimes and thats when I started to have problems. Now I am tapering off correctly, however, ever since last time I skipped a dose for just 2 days, I fell back into having the awful sensations again. I do have some urinary frequency, and pain but I think that is because I have a kidney infection... That is why I am peeing blood. I do have the lubrification and back pain, but the back pain is from stress I think...since it is not lower back pain... and I think my lubrification is in the normal range. Yes, sometimes when I do get into doing other tasks my PGAD tends to fade away... 

 

I think mine is quite mild but my anxiety and OCD  blow it out of proportion. Mine I only usually feel deep inside me. it almost feels like a slight itch deep inside. I might also want to get my IUD checked, maybe that is also causing problems. I used to have sensations in my clitoris but lately the only spot I have any sensations in is deep inside by my cervix. 

 

I shall make an appointment with my OBGYN and bring her all these paper works, maybe it is time to get some physical therapy.

 

My psychiatrist, although he did not know about PGAD, he was very sympathetic. He decided to start tapering me off the medication I am currently on (Paxil)  and replacing it with a medication I had taken in the past that had given me no side effects, or any effects for that matter so that I can begin the extended withdrawal on that medication, maybe that will make my withdrawal easier. 

[cathyfrench]

Hi Peonies,

 

You are right to have your IUD checked and see with your gynecologist if it could give you these strange sensations in your cervix and maybe you could see with her to change contraception.  Vaginal thrush can also give itching and  weird sensations in the  private parts and it isn't PGAD. 

 

I think a urologist can be a great help to cure your kidney infection (It could also be responsible for your arousal feeling) and check your bladder. 

 

Do you feel you are PGAD free when you stay on the same Paxil dose for more than a week ? 

 

I have been off Sertraline for 6 months and PGAD is still here but I really think PGAD stayed because I brought my  Serttraline dose from 50 mg to 25 mg too fast (and I have just started the drug, I was only 2 weeks on Sertraline when I brought the dose down).  I think that a slow tapper could have helped me instead my psychiatrist thought I was having a manic break due to the antidepressant and he made me tapper the drug one day on, one day off for only 2 weeks and I think this made my PGAD worse. 

 

I hope you will get better soon

 

Take care 

 

Cathy

[Peonies]

Cathy,  Thank you so much for taking time out of your day to have been replying to me I really appreciate your concern. 

I am currently working on clearing up my bladder infection, I have also made an appointment with my OBGYN. 

I believe my PGAD does get better when I am on a constant stable dose... Last time when I was holding 27mg for 3 weeks I had little to no problems. Right now as I am holding the dosage I am on (after my skipping 2 days) I feel the sensations have been getting a bit better. I have had no trouble with it today so far. It seems to come and go. One day I might be perfectly fine, the next I have mild problems with it. 

 

I hope you heal soon too Cathy I know how torturous these sensations can be. Stay strong, I will too. I will update you soon. 

[Peonies]

Some Updates: (NSFW) 

 

Today was great. Not so many sensations in my groin. Except I still have like what I can only describe as an "itch" deep inside my private area. I have an IUD, so I am wondering if the strings are causing me to have the sensation. That is the only place I am experiencing this. Almost by my cervix. Very itchy. I went to the bathroom today to maybe adjust my strings, however I could not move them very much. However, when I came out of the bathroom the itch was gone for a short while, before returning once again. 

 

I have not a clue if this is the "PGAD" or maybe some sort of infection. I will make sure to make a doctor appointment tomorrow so that it can be seen what is wrong. I am allergic to the pill type birth control so maybe a new IUD with longer strings is in call. 

[Hopefull]

Take care Peonies,

 

You will heal from this. 

Best wishes Hopefull.

[Peonies]

3 minutes ago, Hopefull said:

Take care Peonies,

 

You will heal from this. 

Best wishes Hopefull.

Thank You Hopefull  

 

You have brought me so much hope and support in such a rough time of my life. Thank you, truly. 

[Peonies]

A small update:

 

Lately the sensations in my private parts have been getting less and less intense by the day. It seems right now I alternate between one good window day, and one symptom day with each symptom day getting less intense. 

I think this means I am stabilizing on my dose. Not quite sure if that is good or bad as before I would have a week of window and a week of symptoms. 

[ChessieCat]

On 08/11/2017 at 11:55 AM, Peonies said:

I have an IUD, so I am wondering if the strings are causing me to have the sensation. That is the only place I am experiencing this. Almost by my cervix. Very itchy. I went to the bathroom today to maybe adjust my strings, however I could not move them very much. However, when I came out of the bathroom the itch was gone for a short while, before returning once again. 

 

Earlier in my taper I became very sensitive to fabrics.  When wearing clothes which I have worn before with no problems I felt like I was able to feel the fibres in the material sticking up and irritating my skin.  Another member commented that they had experienced on increase in their touch sensitivity.

[Peonies]

Maybe. I don't know. Feeling hopeless.

[Peonies]

Hello. Another small update. I seem to be doing better. My pattern used to be one day of symptoms, one day symptom free, so on. As of late my symptom days have been less intense. Now, it seems I am having another small window as for the past 2 day I have been physical symptom free. I am still holding the dose. My mental symptoms are still there though. I am having some memory and cognitive slowness, hence the less eloquent and long updates. I do apologize. Still depressed. I have gained so much weight. 

[Peonies]

Hello. So, my doctor forgot to give a refill for my Paxil. So I went a day without it. Tonight I finally got some, but the affects are terrible. It started with a headache, then i started to forget things. My vision got blurry. I was very weak and disoriented. I still am. I finally got my dose in but I feel. Nothing. I feel utterly empty. A shell of what I was, and what I wanted to become. 

I never knew it would be so hard. 

 

I never knew it could be like this. 

 

I started contemplating my own suicide today. I started to have sweating episodes and some sort of fits. It is almost like a seizure. My eyes roll up and my body needs to move. Uncontrollably. I need to do it and I feel helpless as I contort to weird shapes in my bed. My mom was angry at me for doing that. She said I was exaggerating. All I could hear from her were her screaming at me to get up from the floor, but then I blacked out. I passed out. My brain hurts so much. 

 

 

[AliG]

Oh Peonies, I'm so very sorry. This incident is unfortunate because it looked like you were just starting to stabilize. Don't worry too much, as this disruption should hopefully settle down fairly swiftly. Try not to let this throw you too much, as you know by now, it's really all about the drugs and their effects, and not you.

 

Have you shown your Mum any of the information/ books/ you - tube videos etc. on psych drug withdrawal ? It may help her understand more of what you are currently going through and experiencing.

 

In the future, please remember to keep one step ahead of your doctor and make sure that you always have a supply of Paxil and a script refill so that this can't ever happen again.

 

I hope you can take extra care and be extremely gentle with yourself over the next week or so. Don't forget that we DO understand and you can write here, anytime. We will be here to support you.

(( hugs))

Ali

[AliG]

Dear Peonies. Please answer so that I and everyone else know that you are ok.

[Peonies]

Hello Everyone, 

 

I am here to make a much needed update. It has been hard, last week I was really broken down and I made decisions that not only could have hurt me, but others as well. I am sorry to anyone that I had affected with my post. I thank the moderators that stepped in while I was at probably my lowest point, you have made all the difference in my life. 

 

Last week I was not able to get my hands on my Paxil because my doctor had forgotten to turn in the prescription on time. I went into a meltdown/withdraw that was absolutely, at the time, crippling. Not only was  dealing with the physical side of withdrawal, but the emotional parts as well. I had blacked out, I felt dizzy and empty, I had convulsions. But worst of all was the fear of it not getting better. My depression came down on me like a ton of bricks. I quite literally crumbled under all the pressure. My support system; My mother and psychologist, did not seem to be on my side at all. My boyfriend was not in touch with me for that night for separate reasons. I made some rash choices that were not very smart. 

I was able to get the help I needed in time and was able to receive emergency health care. They were able to physically stabilize me, and then mentally stabilize me. 

 

Today I am doing much better. I am learning a lot about this journey. I have underestimated the power of withdrawal. I have learned from my mistakes. Now my doctor and I have worked together to make sure that not only I have extra pills in my prescription, but that I have extra refills on call for me. I am slowly working with myself to learn how to deal with the emotions that come with withdrawal. 
 

I learned that I must take a break sometimes from all the negativity surrounding withdrawal and antidepressants. I was spending a lot of time on this forum often not looking at the positive posts and strides that my fellow survivors were making. I was often just searching up things like "permanent side effect of withdrawal" and "people left crippled by antidepressants". It was not positive for me, it was not constructive. I fell back into a mindset that all was lost and that I would never heal. Today though I have learned from my mistakes and I try to be more positive, and proactive. I have given myself an hour each day, when I am feeling good, to look around and help, and post about my struggles and triumphs, and yes sometimes to be a bit sad. But after that, I have decided to keep going with my life and to keep trying to live my life as normal as possible. 
 

Physically after the one day without the Paxil, and my melt down I began to slowly heal. At first it was bad again, I had a bad couple days of PGAD, shaking, sweating, confusion, but I was always able to prevail. I even worked a 4 hour shift while having symptoms! Today I was lucky to be symptom free, and I hope it lasts. But if it does not I know I can deal with it for a bit. 

I know brighter days are to come. 

 

Thank you everyone who has been following my story. Thank you everyone who has been there for me. I am sorry again, for causing any harm or displeasure. 

 

I hope to see everyone around soon. 

 

-Peonies.

Edited November 21, 2017 by Peonies
Spelling & Grammar

[AliG]

Hi Peonies. I'm so glad you posted and are feeling much more positive. We were concerned. Recognizing when you need to take a break is helpful and having a time limit for worry is also a very good idea. I hope you continue to see improvements as you slowly start to stabilize. It may take a little while, but you will get there in the end.

Edited November 22, 2017 by AliG
spelling

[Peonies]

Hey Ali G thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement I have been doing much better in regards to stabilizing and withdrawal. Thank you so much for caring about me when I could not even do so myself. thank you

 

Also, just a slight update; While the sensations from PGAD have been very good this past week (no occurrences), I still struggle with some parts of withdrawal, like my OCD coming back and my depression being more intense, however I think i have some grips on that now. 

 

Unfortunately. I am in the hospital again because I fell ill with what was at first strep throat which turned into pneumonia. So I am receiving treatment as of now. I hope everyone else is okay.