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Marmot

Marmot: just Wellbutrin left

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Marmot
On 10/01/2018 at 7:59 PM, Kristine said:

Yes and no.  I'm a work in progress.  Ongoing trauma led me to the medication.  However, I believe it was ingrained negative beliefs about myself that kept me on them.

 

Hey Kristine,

I'm so sorry that you had to live through all of that pain in your early life. That is really awful. It sucks too that people then thought it would be possible to medicate away a situation so complex, and that you then suffered more from the treatments. It sounds like you've gained so much wisdom since then about emotions, about your family, and about how you relate to others, which could serve you well in life. I imagine that figuring out what is and what isn't our responsibility in life takes some trial and error. I'm really glad to hear that the mindfulness is working for you, and I think that doing it for ten years is honestly quite impressive. It must take so much commitment to yourself and to the practice. Did you ever do a course or retreat, or has it been on your own?

 

On 10/01/2018 at 7:59 PM, Kristine said:

 Then any open expression of negative emotions are shunned, pushed aside by ourselves or the people around us....in general emotional suffering is not accepted.  It must be fixed...quickly.

 

Well said. I've been learning about feelings more recently too - both the pleasant and the unpleasant ones. My meds had obliterated many of them for years, so there's some processing to do now. I wasn't great with feelings before the meds - I think that most of my immediate family and myself could have been...like you said there, afraid of negative emotions. However, the world of emotions then became downright confusing on the meds. I remember that during the polypharmacy, counsellors would say that I wasn't in touch with my feelings, and so I tried really hard to identify them. For example, it would happen where I didn't think that i was anxious, meanwhile, I would appear anxious. One counsellor gave me printed out pictures of faces with expressions and things like that, but I struggled so much with them that I would become frustrated and just make assumptions about what I was feeling. Now on less meds, I don't need any of that. The emotions have been just flooding straight in, so I have been sitting with them, or crying, or fuming, or calling people up to talk, and it has all been so much more intense and so much more normal. It's as though I missed out on some emotional development and started to catch up last year. 

 

It was really nice hearing from you again too!

Marmot


 

 

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Kristine

Hey Marmot,  It is a frightening labyrinth we find ourselves in.  Thank you for your kind words.

On 15/01/2018 at 5:24 PM, Marmot said:

I'm really glad to hear that the mindfulness is working for you, and I think that doing it for ten years is honestly quite impressive. It must take so much commitment to yourself and to the practice. Did you ever do a course or retreat, or has it been on your own?

This is going to seem like a strange answer but my psychiatrist introduced me to and taught me mindfulness..... (not the same psychiatrist who polydrugged me to the extreme)...the following is from a previous post referring to this..... (for some reason I can't quote it so copy and paste it is!!)...computers are not my friend! Anyway it's from the 7th December 2017 on my thread.

 

"In her defence she is unlike most psychiatrists I have met or heard about.  She feels upset about my treatment by her colleague.  She has always been supportive of my wishes to reduce and stop my medications.  However, she has; like most health professions; been ignorant to the effects of withdrawal on patients and the process of tapering.  This has lead to an diminished ability to distinguish between withdrawal sympotoms and mental illness.  Over the past 10 years she has introduced me to mindfulness meditation (which she actively practices herself),  CBT, host's a weekly meditation and discussion group and has recently introduced neurofeedback to her practice at her own expense.   I have been open with her about my recent research and discoveries.  She was clearly uncomfortable with what I was saying but I believe she is currently trying to digest this information herself.  In retrospect I think I was a little harsh about her in previous posts due to frustration and anger about the truth. I have more recently told her about Will Hall's 'harm reduction guide to coming off psychiatric drugs' and she printed out a copy for herself.  She is a good person and I see will see how my next appointment goes.  Probably two weeks time.  It wouldn't surprise me if she is one of the psychiatrists to go to the other side!"

 

Since writing the above she has been very supportive and has expressed her own critical views of psychiatry (that's another story).....

The weekly meditation and discussion group that I mention above was invaluable to me.  It was usually based around a 'book' or resource and perhaps 8 years ago (can't remember!) we worked through the book "Get out of your Head and into Your Life" written by Stephen Hayes....must have helped, because I soon went to university as a mature age student and got my BN.  Mindfulness was one component of this book.  However, I first started with very simple mindfulness practices to stay in the present moment.  I'm not the type to sit for hours in a yoga pose staring at a lotus flower...I have, however, trained my brain enough to utilise mindfulness in my daily activities...for example.. if I'm in the shower...ruminating thoughts start...i direct my attention to the smell of the soap, the sound of the water, the feel of the water on my skin. The thoughts will come back (that's what our brains do) but I keep recognising them as just thoughts...then start the redirection again. Sounds tedious doesn't it!!!  But it saves me A Lot of energy in the long term.  I think I should say the simple mindfulness practices are very helpful during withdrawal but I'd keep it simple!  I could go on but I don't want to bore you! 

 

On 15/01/2018 at 5:24 PM, Marmot said:

I think that most of my immediate family and myself could have been...like you said there, afraid of negative emotions. However, the world of emotions then became downright confusing on the meds. I remember that during the polypharmacy, counsellors would say that I wasn't in touch with my feelings, and so I tried really hard to identify them.

Well said Marmot.  I imagine this must have made you feel terrible about yourself? Once again reinforcing that internal belief that you were flawed?   In my opinion these medications do nothing more but numb and alter our perceptions of ourselves and the world around us.  Life is difficult.  Human beings are remarkably resilient, but to thrive we need...community, inclusion, understanding, compassion, love, unity and respect for ourselves and for others.....not a bunch of pills.  That's just my humble opinion.

 

On 15/01/2018 at 5:24 PM, Marmot said:

Now on less meds, I don't need any of that. The emotions have been just flooding straight in, so I have been sitting with them, or crying, or fuming, or calling people up to talk, and it has all been so much more intense and so much more normal. It's as though I missed out on some emotional development and started to catch up last year. 

I think you are amazing Marmot...and for someone so young you are so wise.  I know I'll be faced with more of the emotional flooding when I start tapering the fluoxetine.  In a strange way I'm looking forward to it....as you said "much more intense and so much more normal" ....yes, that's right folks "feelings" are a normal part of the human experience!!! Yippee!!!

 

Kristine 🌻

 

 

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Kristine

Correction.....

9 hours ago, Kristine said:

we worked through the book "Get out of your Head and into Your Life" written by Stephen Hayes.

The book was called "Get out of your Mind and into Your Life".  K 

I should add...just to be clear.. I did not do this when I was in withdrawal.  I think it would be to overwhelming to tackle.  However, when healed and if you need a tool to help with the 'life' stuff...I would recommended it. K 

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manymoretodays

Hi Marmot!  I just want to say you little varmit though.......kiddingly.  Good to see your update.  And yes, it does sound like you have a lot going on right now.  Housing and pressure to get back to work?

 

And I understand about all the emotions flooding in.  How is your energy holding up now?

 

I think holding is wise.......most definitely, as you did a 50% reduction back in October.

 

If you have down time.......I don't know if I shared this one with you yet........the Beyondmeds site, although retired is still chock full of helpful stuff to help you cope so I will leave you with the link.

 

https://beyondmeds.com/2017/11/06/site-retired-ive-retired/

 

Love, peace, healing/inrecovery, and growth,

mmt

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Longestroadhome

Hi Marmot, nice to meet you!

I am glad that you found this place, it sounds as though you are doing ok with your withdrawal. Don’t feel pressured to rush, go slow and steady. I have been withdrawing for a long time but have been on meds since 2007 so need to take it slow and steady. 

 

It it is good in one way that you had a bad reaction to wine. I used wine like a benzo for many years. I am ashamed to say that I developed a serious drinking problem. Thank God I am now sober, almost two years 💖

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Marmot
On 1/18/2018 at 4:09 AM, Longestroadhome said:

I am glad that you found this place, it sounds as though you are doing ok with your withdrawal. Don’t feel pressured to rush, go slow and steady. I have been withdrawing for a long time but have been on meds since 2007 so need to take it slow and steady. 

 

It it is good in one way that you had a bad reaction to wine. I used wine like a benzo for many years. I am ashamed to say that I developed a serious drinking problem. Thank God I am now sober, almost two years 💖

 

Hey Longestroadhome,

 

Great job on stopping the alcohol, that's a huge accomplishment! I just caught up with your thread too, and am so glad to hear that you had a window. Any bit of peace is a blessing.

 

I never had a problem with alcohol, but I learned that my system is so delicate at the moment that anything remotely mind altering can set me back. I used to have a glass of wine every few weeks no problem, but I've learned that that is over until the healing is sufficient - which could be months to years. I've learned too now that I can't even tolerate sugar, so that will also be gone for months to years. I drink half a cup of coffee a day now, any more is too much, and any less is too little. I was never fragile like this before, so it's all quite surprising to me. The up-side is that it's forcing me to become more acquainted with my body and mind, and like you say, it might be protective from forming bad habits.

 

Ya, I'm actually stuck here at 100 mg because my current project is to get work-ready, as it's been a year and a half of stopping meds. I'm confident that the meds weren't helping me, so I want off, but I need to take a break from the withdrawal so that I can regain my function. I don't feel pressured to rush the taper, but I do feel pressured to improve my ability to get stuff done. Low motivation/concentration/energy continues to be problematic, but I'm making some gains with lifestyle changes. At one point in my life, before all of this, like when I was a kid, I did have sufficient energy and drive without meds, so now I'm hoping with all of my heart that I can return to who I was.

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samanthaelizabeth
12 minutes ago, Marmot said:

 

Ya, I'm actually stuck here at 100 mg because my current project is to get work-ready

Hello, I am doing the same.  I'm stuck at 200mg and need to do the same-get work ready!  I need my life back!  Although, i'm not happy with everything that has happened with my "switch" I have to get some semblance of my life back, regardless. Holding until...(maybe forever)

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Marmot
On 1/17/2018 at 9:13 PM, manymoretodays said:

Hi Marmot!  I just want to say you little varmit though.......kiddingly.  Good to see your update.  And yes, it does sound like you have a lot going on right now.  Housing and pressure to get back to work?

 

And I understand about all the emotions flooding in.  How is your energy holding up now?

 

Hey MMT,

 

:P Thanks for the beyond meds site, I checked out a few articles on there. Some really good stuff.

 

My emotions settled down a lot over the past month, and the energy remained low. I got a gym membership around a month ago, and I try to exercise on most days. I ended up starting the GAPS intro diet 8 days ago. It's like an elimination diet that is higher in fat and vegetables, and removes grains and processed stuff. It has me eating a lot of chicken soup and squash. My mood has actually been remarkably stable since starting it, and my energy is starting to improve. My allergies have also died down a little. Only time will tell though whether this is a lasting change or just a coincidence. GAPS involves a lot of cooking and prep so I was only doing it partially on and off since November, and was finding that my "on" days seemed better. Right before I made the plunge the other week, I had eaten non-GAPS foods and was nauseous and tearful a few hours later. Who knows, I could have found something that helps or I could have just signed on to an elaborate placebo. I'll post updates in the future, because I've seen that some other people on the site have been trying it too. I'm just desperate to function better!

 

Cheers,

Marmot

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Longestroadhome
2 hours ago, Marmot said:

 

Hey MMT,

 

:P Thanks for the beyond meds site, I checked out a few articles on there. Some really good stuff.

 

My emotions settled down a lot over the past month, and the energy remained low. I got a gym membership around a month ago, and I try to exercise on most days. I ended up starting the GAPS intro diet 8 days ago. It's like an elimination diet that is higher in fat and vegetables, and removes grains and processed stuff. It has me eating a lot of chicken soup and squash. My mood has actually been remarkably stable since starting it, and my energy is starting to improve. My allergies have also died down a little. Only time will tell though whether this is a lasting change or just a coincidence. GAPS involves a lot of cooking and prep so I was only doing it partially on and off since November, and was finding that my "on" days seemed better. Right before I made the plunge the other week, I had eaten non-GAPS foods and was nauseous and tearful a few hours later. Who knows, I could have found something that helps or I could have just signed on to an elaborate placebo. I'll post updates in the future, because I've seen that some other people on the site have been trying it too. I'm just desperate to function better!

 

Cheers,

Marmot

I read about The Gaps diet in relation to Autism ( my son is Autistic) but it goes against my lifelong beliefs as a vegetarian!! I do think I need to eat less wheat though so am on the page there. I think gut health is paramount and on that I agree. I try to get lots of probiotic food in me ( just not bone broth 😜) and if you feel better on the diet then it doesn’t matter if it is placebo, just embrace it!

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manymoretodays

Hi Marmot,

I'm glad that you liked that site.  That was one of my bread and butter survival places often......... when I was more home bound/stuck/acute W/D symptoms.   Not everyone has it as bad though.  That's the thing.  It can be better than what I went through.  

 

And great to be trying something dietary, even with all the prep involved.  It does sound like you have benefited and can see when other, non-GAPS stuff effects you.  Yah......maybe placebo but also yah.......I agree, gut health can be huge.  Like Lrh said.......Embrace it.  :)  It's probably going to be real helpful when you start tapering as well.  I really liked reading the book, The Cure.........scallyway recommended it to me quite awhile back, and I got it.  I'm into placebo effects.  The stories in there are amazing, and there is some interesting science behind placebo effects as well.

 

I have seen mention of others trying GAPS as well.  That's a good idea to exchange ideas with them and successes and all that.  Start a topic in  Support, symptoms and self care,  if there isn't one yet.  Just google GAPS survivingantidepressants.org to check and see.

 

I think that sounds like a Yay report........so, Yay!  Hope all else is settling some for you too.

 

Love, peace, healing/inrecovery, and growth,

mmt

Edited by manymoretodays

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divegrl

Hi!!!

 

I read you last post and you have started the GAPs diet! How are things going with that? 

 

Good luck to you my friend.  :)

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Marmot
On 2/19/2018 at 6:36 PM, Longestroadhome said:

but it goes against my lifelong beliefs as a vegetarian!!

 

Hey Longestroadhome,

 

Are the beliefs related to how animals are treated? I get that. My partner keeps trying to go vegetarian for ethical reasons. We both love animals, and we can see that it would be better for the planet if people ate less meat. At the moment I'm of the opinion that meat is healthy for me, so I eat it most days. What I do to avoid feeling guilty, is that I get my chicken from a local free range farm. That way I at least know they were happy chickens, with decent chicken lives, and chicken friends, and eggs to sit on, and stuff like that. It helps.

 

Cheers,

Marmot

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Marmot
On 1/16/2018 at 4:08 PM, Kristine said:

Correction.....

On 1/16/2018 at 7:47 AM, Kristine said:

we worked through the book "Get out of your Head and into Your Life" written by Stephen Hayes.

The book was called "Get out of your Mind and into Your Life".  K 

I should add...just to be clear.. I did not do this when I was in withdrawal.  I think it would be to overwhelming to tackle.  However, when healed and if you need a tool to help with the 'life' stuff...I would recommended it. K 

 

Hey Kristine,

 

Thanks so much for that. I read about the book, and I totally agree with that perspective. I did ACT in the past, and I wasn't able to absorb it at the time, however, I've been embracing acceptance more smoothly lately. I believe that the medication merry-go-round that I was on fuelled my fear of unhappiness and made me less open to acceptance. It's as though, in my mind, the acts of medicating a feeling and accepting a feeling are opposites. Things feel less stressful right now too in a different way, but I haven't been able to pin all the reasons down yet. 
 

I'll catch up on your thread this weekend. Looking forward to hearing how you've been, whether it's up or down. Peace,

Marmot

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Marmot

So I have around 1.5 years between me and the Cipralex, 8 months since Vyvanse, 7 months since Abilify, and just under 5 months since the decrease in Wellbutrin. I'm finding that my improvements are more linear now. Every month I feel a little bit more alive than the previous, although each individual day could hold anything. Last month my ability to "hurry up" gradually returned. Before that, I would get flustered and cry if I was going to be late. I'd end up cancelling things or spending time consoling myself. In February though, I regained the ability to move efficiently if someone was waiting for me or if I needed to go somewhere. The past week or two, I've noticed a bit more energy and that my head is less foggy. I might be able to meditate again soon if my energy and concentration continue this way. An important thing that has also come back is my imagination. Although the moments of beauty and creativity started coming back after stopping the SSRI, the full healthy daydreams didn't return until recently. It's been so long since I've daydreamed, I forgot they existed. They came back sometime after Christmas. No idea why. I still feel like I'm moving in slow motion compared to the rest of the world, and I'm still down on myself about not being able to get stuff done, but it's all okay.

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Marmot
On 3/17/2018 at 11:41 AM, divegrl said:

Hi!!!

 

I read you last post and you have started the GAPs diet! How are things going with that? 

 

Good luck to you my friend.  :)

 

Hey divegrl,

 

Thanks for asking. GAPS was good at first but it ended up being a dead end for me. I was doing well on the few starting foods, but I couldn't add new foods without getting sick, so it was going nowhere. The nausea, itchy, anxious thing would happen after eating most new foods, it was weird and frustrating and was not improving. Either way, I ended up just gravitating towards what I could comfortably eat whether or not it was GAPS. Then I read a histamine thread and ended up going low histamine, and I haven't felt itchy after eating since I started a week ago. My eyes are less irritated too. I saw a detailed post by Altostrata saying that after 6 months she was able to successfully add back most foods, so that gives me hope. My allergies are bad these days, so I hope this will work, only time will tell though. It could be another dead end. Some things that GAPS was helpful for was getting me in the habit of eating tons of veggies. I don't have an issue with eating vegetables at breakfast time for example. That's a really good thing. :)

 

Cheers,

Marmot

 

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Longestroadhome
On 24/03/2018 at 10:23 AM, Marmot said:

 

Hey Longestroadhome,

 

Are the beliefs related to how animals are treated? I get that. My partner keeps trying to go vegetarian for ethical reasons. We both love animals, and we can see that it would be better for the planet if people ate less meat. At the moment I'm of the opinion that meat is healthy for me, so I eat it most days. What I do to avoid feeling guilty, is that I get my chicken from a local free range farm. That way I at least know they were happy chickens, with decent chicken lives, and chicken friends, and eggs to sit on, and stuff like that. It helps.

 

Cheers,

Marmot

Hi Marmot

yes, I am an ethical vegan so predominantly for the animals. I have watched a number of vegan documentaries over the years that have reinforced my belief. I used to believe that free range, organic and other such terms meant happy lives and cruelty free death but like most marketing strategies it is often not as true as we would like to believe. Earthlings is a difficult one to watch but very eye opening. It’s a volatile topic for some so I try to just live by example and showcase the many delectable ( in my not so humble opinion 🤪🤪) vegan dishes I cook on my Instagram page 💖🙏

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Marmot

I'm still having trouble completing tasks. It's upsetting for me because before meds, I was a busy-body with plans and projects. When I was a child I would do a lot of things, I was painting things, adventuring, collecting things, learning things. On the most recent polypharmacy I was more robotic but I could still get stuff done. However, since the various withdrawals, I have just felt slowed down, and unable to be productive. I sit and zone out. Things take me forever to do. I'm making to-do lists and I can't follow them. Then I start to worry about whether this will affect my career.

 

My current solutions are to just keep trying and to have more self-acceptance. The work that I'm doing now goes much deeper than other things that I could be doing. I had an "aha" moment this week which reinforced something similar. My train of thought was: "I've been taking other people's advice for so long--look at the mess that it created of my brain--maybe I shouldn't care what other people think or recommend to me because it didn't work before--maybe I should try to trust myself instead--like learn to follow my gut or something..."

 

Just my thoughts from this week...By the way, I love everyone here at SA, I often just read people's stories here because it helps to know that I'm not alone. Thanks.

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Altostrata

We love you, Marmot.

 

Wellbutrin is activating. You might want to decrease at a slower pace and let your nervous system adjust to the lack of chemical stimulation.

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Marmot
On 4/9/2018 at 2:47 AM, Altostrata said:

We love you, Marmot.

 

Wellbutrin is activating. You might want to decrease at a slower pace and let your nervous system adjust to the lack of chemical stimulation.

 

Thank you Altostrata :). I agree with you about the wellbutrin being activating. I've been holding for awhile and will keep holding. The trouble getting stuff done causes problems, and my family gives me a hard time about it, but I believe that it will eventually pass. I'm learning not to care about what other people say.

Cheers, Marmot

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Marmot

Hello again SA,

 

Good news: I had the workplace meeting and they said that I was like a different person than before and they were happy to have me back. This is really good to hear, because I want to be back and I also prefer myself now to when I was on all the medications and stuff. I’ve started working part-time and I have enough motivation to show up when I’m supposed to and be fairly normal with people. I have minimal anxiety which is a huge contrast to before when I would panic.

 

Not as good news: I’m super exhausted and a bit of an emotional mess on the weekend. It’s the first time that I’ve done anything demanding though, so I think that’s normal. I still lack motivation, energy, “joie de vivre”, and I move more slowly than other people. Sort of blah and I still have to feign enthusiasm for show. The motivation and speed have been coming back very very gradually over the past half-year though, so I have hope for all of these things, and I still see the problems as withdrawal. I did get REALLY fed up with the fatigue in May and started having more coffee, but then I was up to 2 cups again and irritable and still tired, so I just quit it all together again which was around 3 weeks ago. Oh well.

 

Allergies: I almost forgot about the itching and rashes because it was gone for so long, so a few days ago I thought maybe the diet stuff had been placebo, and started eating whatever I wanted to again. Yesterday though my throat was itchy and today my eyes are again puffy, red and itchy as hell. That's what reminded me to write here. I'll have to go back to the low histamine/low allergy diet, but wow, I’m getting so tired of eating and preparing the same boring stuff all the time. I have 7 recipes and I’m sick of all of them. I have to remind myself to be grateful because some people actually don’t have enough to eat. I'm also lucky that I found something which helps with the allergies and sensitivities, because that was a problem for a long time.

 

Love,

Marmot

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Altostrata

That is good news, Marmot, congratulations!

 

What is your drug schedule now?

 

If you're on the low histamine diet, you should be able to concoct more combinations. See Histamine intolerance

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Marmot
On 6/11/2018 at 8:15 PM, Altostrata said:

That is good news, Marmot, congratulations!

 

What is your drug schedule now?

 

If you're on the low histamine diet, you should be able to concoct more combinations. See Histamine intolerance

 

Thanks Altostrata!

 

Still just the same 100 mg of stubborn Wellbutrin. I can't taper until work is very stable, because everything would become unmanageable. I estimate delaying the taper again until late autumn which will have then been a year. 

 

Thanks for the link! I stumbled upon that thread before and got some good tips from it. I liked your detailed post of how you were able to eat mostly normally again after 6 months, it was hopeful to me. I'll look around more for recipes; it's just bit tricky because I also have a few "regular" allergies to work around. Oh well, time to get creative. I did discover some new foods that I would have never otherwise tried.

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Altostrata

I'm doing even better now. After a couple of years on a fairly strict low-histamine diet, I started very gradually sampling and adding other foods. Now I can even drink a little beer. Still having problems with cheese, aged meats, and a few other things.

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Marmot
On 6/13/2018 at 2:10 PM, Altostrata said:

I'm doing even better now. After a couple of years on a fairly strict low-histamine diet, I started very gradually sampling and adding other foods. Now I can even drink a little beer. Still having problems with cheese, aged meats, and a few other things.

 

I’m glad to hear that it worked for you in the long run, and thanks for passing on that info. I must admit that it took me awhile to process the idea that you did this for a couple of years instead of just 6 months, but it’s still comforting to hear that it gets better with time. I went stricter with the low histamine again this week and my itchiness and irritability went away again. I’m glad that it feels less restrictive than paleo, and it is working much better for me. I’ve been talking to more people about food ideas, someone said that beets and mint go well together, so I tried that. I’ve also been experimenting with different cans of coconut and I’ve found one without preservatives that seems okay so far. I figured out a couple of months ago that I’m not allergic to goat’s milk which is good because it is very nutrient dense. In other words, my list is slowly becoming more interesting. 

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Marmot

Hello SA,

 

I’ve been even more exhausted all the time since starting work, and less hopeful. I try to look after myself though - no alarms on my days off, I eat until I’m full, and I go to the gym a few times a week. I’m also not hard on myself about getting stuff done, and I don’t clean anymore. Essentially, I save most of my energy for the work hours. It’s annoying, but I have student debt so there is no choice in the matter.

 

As I interact with people at work again, I’m also becoming more aware at how much of my life has been swallowed up by the treatments. My colleagues are able to do things at lunch or in the evenings and have fun and stuff, but I have trouble with that because I’m too tired from the withdrawals. When I was in university it was a similar situation, my classmates would be hanging out after class, but I would have to go to TMS appointments, or I'd be struggling with what I now know were drug side effects. Almost half of my life has now been taken over in this way, a string of meds, appointments, and recovering all because I got “help” for a depressive episode as a teenager. It’s so awful to think about that I can't be at peace with it yet. Sorry for complaining, I just need to share this disappointment with anyone who might get it. I’m doing my best to connect with people around other things too so that this bizarre dream can fade a little. This weekend, I’ll spend with my boyfriend, and the weekend after, I’ll try going to a friend’s housewarming party.

 

Thanks for listening,

Marmot

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Altostrata

Hi, Marmot. Yes, many of us have found our lives have veered from normal, and most people don't understand. People who are coping with chronic illnesses are probably the most sympathetic.

 

There are topics in Finding Meaning you might join to discuss this.

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Marmot

Thanks Altostrata, I checked out those threads and wrote on some of them. I've also just figured out a way to get out of the city more because I find that nature makes my problems seem smaller.

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Marmot

Just a general update,

 

Since starting work, I've been feeling more on-edge. A lot of my stresses are real things, like finances, work, coming to terms with the years of unnecessary treatments, and having family not understand me. However, I sometimes wake up in a panic, in a rage, or confused, and it takes a couple of hours to settle down; I also have trouble sleeping now. I haven't felt this way since I the cipralex. I'm trying hard to keep my job. I rented a room in the country for a few months and commute now. It was the right thing to do. I'm still very stressed, but I do feel a little more relaxed coming out here everyday, also waking up here in the mornings is a little better. Every little thing counts right now. I asked for a one more month extension before going full-time at work, so I have a bit more time to get organised.

 

❤️

Marmot

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Marmot

Hello SA,

 

This time has been harder because I have finally restarted my taper. I went up to full time at work which was difficult but okay. Things felt pretty stable for me by the end of August, so in September I tried cutting off an edge of my 100 mg tab to start the 90 mg. That went very badly, and I became extremely anxious with moments where I would freeze. I figured that it was released too rapidly because this was how I would feel before with too much WB at once. I then began taking 45 mg twice a day, but I still had the severe anxiety. I stopped it altogether for 3 days because I was scared of the drug, and I spoke to a compounding pharmacist who said they could make it a little slower release, but they said it wouldn't ever be as slow as the intact pill, so they would recommend 30 mg capsules to be taken three times per day. They also said that they didn't have my generic available so it would have to be brand name. My doctor was on-board with this and prescribed it. Around Sept 6th I started the 30 x 3 but continued to have anxiety, and began having an awful nightmarish-impending-doom feeling that would last for 1-2 hrs at a time during the day. I went down to two capsules per day, and within a week it was tolerable again. I remained at the 60 mg per day for around 6 weeks total and I was okay, just tired and slow as usual. 

 

I then felt ready to decrease to 50 mg and figured I would save money by doing it myself. I began cutting my previous 100 mg tabs and taking 25 mg twice a day. I was soon feeling awful and tired which is normal Wellbutrin WD for me, although it happened sooner than usual, but also easily angered which is new. It was anger like I had never experienced before, I could hold myself together and be nice to people, but on the inside I would be on fire with rage.  I tried taking 16 mg x 3 but I was always too busy at work to take the midday one. I began taking the 30s again and now I'm okay again, so I brought my 25 mg script to the compounding pharmacy and they said it would be ready this Monday. I can't believe how sensitive my system has become to these pills. It's totally unreal. 

 

❤️

Marmot

 

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Altostrata
55 minutes ago, Marmot said:

I went down to two capsules per day, and within a week it was tolerable again. I remained at the 60 mg per day for around 6 weeks total and I was okay, just tired and slow as usual. 

 

Well, that's good news.

 

You may wish to stay within the 10% per month guideline for tapering Wellbutrin. If you're taking 60mg, a 10% reduction would be 6mg, or 54mg per day.

 

A compound pharmacy can make 27mg capsules as easily as 25mg capsules.

 

I hope your drop to 25mg twice a day goes well. If it seems like too much, ask your doctor for a prescription for 27mg capsules twice a day, and save the 25mg capsules for December.

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Marmot
35 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

 

Well, that's good news.

 

You may wish to stay within the 10% per month guideline for tapering Wellbutrin. If you're taking 60mg, a 10% reduction would be 6mg, or 54mg per day.

 

A compound pharmacy can make 27mg capsules as easily as 25mg capsules.

 

I hope your drop to 25mg twice a day goes well. If it seems like too much, ask your doctor for a prescription for 27mg capsules twice a day, and save the 25mg capsules for December.

 

Hi Altostrata,

 

Thanks, ya I'll do that

Even if it does go okay, I might take the 25 mg twice a day for two months, just to be sure nothing catches up with me. 

 

Marmot

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manymoretodays
On 10/27/2018 at 6:20 PM, Marmot said:

Thanks, ya I'll do that

Even if it does go okay, I might take the 25 mg twice a day for two months, just to be sure nothing catches up with me. 

Hi Marmot, my favorite varmit......

This sounds good......the longer or long hold now.  And great that you are using a compounding pharmacist to assist.  And that splitting your dose into 2, helped.  That you take half of the daily total dose, 2X/day.

......and it's always possible, keep in mind, that you may have to go a bit more slowly with the taper as you are getting to the lower dosages.  Definitely, try not to taper by more than 10% of the current dose.

Here's the easy formula to determine what 10% of 50 mg would be.

50 mg X 0.90= 45 mg

And then divide that by 2 and you would be at 22.5 mg twice a day.

If need be.....round up, for example go with 23 mg twice a day rather than 22.5 mg.

And then calculate your next drop from 46 mg.

 

I'm pleased.  You've come a long way.  Your job.  Your move.....at least I think you were able to move out in the country a bit more.   And now tapering again!

.....and you've got Alto popping on in too.  Great!

 

Love, peace, healing, and growth, adding gratitude this month too!  Have a great turkey day!!!

mmt

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Marmot

So great to hear from you again mmt. Thank you for stopping by ❤️

That sounds like a good plan with the tapering. The 25 twice a day is going as well as I could expect it to - the drop was a bit fast but necessary. Dec 11 is when I get my next script and I'll ask for 22.5 twice a day if things are still good. I ended up moving back in with my family in the city because my car can't do snow very well. It was really nice to be out there for a few months though.

 

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Marmot

Hi SA,

 

I've continued to change a lot with the recent decreases, which is okay, but is also unsettling since I don't know when all of the changes will slow down. Essentially, I don't know what my inner landscape be like when this withdrawal is over. I realise that I've become much more serious and sentimental recently. Sometime in the past month or two I've also lost the dark sense of humour which had become a common part of my experience during withdrawal. Not too long ago, I could laugh easily at the absurdity of my problems, but they just don't seem funny anymore, even when I try. My quirkiness which was as strong as the number of meds I was on - to the point that I was eccentric when on all four - has dropped again, and has now become just an artistic sense. Occasionally I get moments where I feel like I used to on the meds, but the moments are short with a clear start and end to them. I'm also a little more melancholic now, but for some reason, also more patient when talking with people.

 

I continue to have trouble with productivity, but now I've mostly lost interest in doing things for the sake of doing things anyway, so it no longer bothers me. Not apathy, more just that I find that feelings, love, and people are the only things that actually matter in life, so why should I bother running around chasing too many other things? It's like my motivation is finally starting to come back, but in a very different way this time. There is also sadness creeping in, but I'm just letting it be. It doesn't freak me out anymore because I don't see it as a harbinger of a terrible depression this time. I just plan to go slowly with the taper for awhile and I'll be getting some basic blood work this week to make sure the fatigue isn't from something unrelated. 

 

I was reminded by a conversation on Kristine's thread about getting my records from the treatment resistant depression clinic that I went to a few years ago. I had requested the documents around 6 months ago, but I hadn't pursued it much. I emailed them recently though and then picked it up a few days ago. I only skimmed a few pages and it was painful, so I put it away. However, it's a nice feeling that I own the records, and it gives a sense of finality to the confusion. I'd really like to retrieve my documents from the children's hospital too when I have more time, because they were the people who really kick-started this notion that my suffering was an illness. 

 

❤️

Marmot

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divegrl

Hi Marmot,

 

How are you doing today? I just love your last post. 

 

When dealing with feelings of sadness it is just best to “let it be”. To feel the energy, but not make an identity or story out of it. I have moments of feeling alone. Just letting the energy rise up, and then let the feeling pass. 

 

I think it’s a really good thing that you are noticing what is important in your life and then focusing your energy on those things. Love and connection is really what it is all about, isn’t it?

 

Hope you have a beautiful day. Sending loving energy. 

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Marmot
On 12/2/2018 at 12:07 PM, divegrl said:

Hi Marmot,

 

How are you doing today? I just love your last post. 

 

When dealing with feelings of sadness it is just best to “let it be”. To feel the energy, but not make an identity or story out of it. I have moments of feeling alone. Just letting the energy rise up, and then let the feeling pass. 

 

I think it’s a really good thing that you are noticing what is important in your life and then focusing your energy on those things. Love and connection is really what it is all about, isn’t it?

 

Hope you have a beautiful day. Sending loving energy. 

 

Hi Divegrl,

 

Thank you so much for stopping by. Ya, I'm letting it be. I want to cry often though. I guess that I'm unravelling a little now. The withdrawal plus knowing about the years lost and the betrayal is almost becoming too much for me. Part of the problem is that my work is related to that stuff so I can't really escape it, it's all around me. I also have to hide it from my colleagues and new friends so I feel like it keeps rising up inside me and it's like my head could explode from the pressure that's building. I feel like I shouldn't even be writing about that part of my work here, but the isolation with it all is too much. Need to open a valve somehow.

 

Looking forward to reading about how things are going for you. I'll stop by your thread to say hi too when things settle down enough for me ❤️

 

Marmot

 

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