changeofmotion: Introduction - Zoloft, little taper, PSSD. Starting this journey

[changeofmotion]

Hi all,

 

New here. Was on Sertraline for 2.5 years until this Christmastime. Initially 25 then 50mg, attempted to go up to 100mg under the direction of my doctor. Suffered significant diarrhea due to this change, and so went back down to 50mg. And that is when the real issues started. Though I was not aware of what was happening.

 

I was prescribed it during the midst of the breakup of my marriage, which started to break down due to the fact that my ex suffered significant pain on intercourse, which had meant our sex life had pretty much always been one of disappointment and difficulty.

 

Towards the end of last year, I started to realise something wasn't right. I was in a fog, I have moved several times in the last few years as I got my life back on track. I moved to the Bay area in June. I am in the process of trying to start a new relationship, which started just before Christmas last year.

 

I had the sudden realisation that I was having significant sexual side effects. To my horror, once I realised this, I also 'came to' and realised that this had been going on for maybe 6-8 months previously, and progressively getting worse, but I simply hadn't noticed because I had been in a complete fog. I was skipping doses... just unaware of my surroundings. I was having brain zaps, dizziness, confusion, night sweats, significantly decreased cognitive ability, memory loss, depersonalised. I remember people commenting that I seemed distant. I remember my doctor up in Fort Bragg California asking me last June if the sexual side effects were problematic and I cheerily said 'no'. When in fact they were - but I simply wasn't aware. How can that be?!

 

Cue seeing my general practitioner, who is managing my medication here in the Bay area, plus quickly making an appointment with a psychiatrist. Psychiatrist - who was the only one I could get an appointment with at short notice - told me I didn't have depression, and could stop taking the zoloft immediately. I told him I wasn't comfortable with that, and would like to taper, and was met with a response that I was the kind of person who got anxious about taking pills, and promptly asked me what I would feel comfortable with. Clearly he didn't believe in the need to taper at all. We ended up doing a taper over 2 weeks. To 25mg and then cold turkey.

 

I then went back to my GP as I did not trust the opinion of a psychiatrist who went against everything I had read. I am working to get in with another psychiatrist, but no appointments until April. My GP has prescribed Wellbutrin, I am 2 weeks into that but honestly want nothing more to do with antidepressants. It is also making me break out into a rash and increasing anxiety.

 

At present I am about 3 weeks in to withdrawal. I get spells of intense anxiety, partially I think due to the wellbutrin, partially due to WD. I did have anxiety before being prescribed an SSRI. My brain gets tired easily.

 

On the positive side, I have started dreaming again - just little bits and pieces. Mostly odd/weird dreams, but dreams nonetheless. Sometimes I wake in a sweat and a panic. But if I can find a way to go back to sleep then often I wake up calmer and more in my body.  

 

The sexual side effects worsened initially, but have probably plateaued about where they were before I stopped sertraline. However, I am now aware of just how much difference there is between how I am now, and how I once was. Suddenly my memories of what it was like to have a solid erection have come back. Memories of past sexual encounters where I didn't feel ashamed and broken. And so my desire to be sexual is something I have to fight for. My new partner has been very understanding, but I have to get myself out of a mindset of shame in order to want to be sexual in any way. Sometimes I can, sometimes I can't.

 

I have started to be aware of birdsong, smells that I had forgotten about - woodsmoke, flowers. And I am generally more aware of myself and my environment. Like waking up from a long sleep and wondering where on earth I have been. 

 

Some sensation has returned to my genitals. But not much. Sometimes I notice what I feel is desire and attraction. But it feels weak. And erections are weak and unreliable.

 

I have a meditation practice. I have started running and taking longish walks. I am taking fish oil with my food, and working hard to stay positive. I have a network of friends who are amazing and show up for me.

 

At this point I am hopeful as things are early on in the WD process and I am coping. However, I am petrified that I will never get to fully enjoy sex again. It feels cruel, given that my past history was one of being a very sexual person, in a relationship with someone who couldn't give me a fun sex life, despite their best attempts.

 

I am angry that I am in this situation. No one mentioned long-term sexual side effects or withdrawal when I was being counselled for this drug. It wasn't even mentioned as a possibility, although sexual side effects during treatment were. I will not be beaten. One way or the other I will become okay with myself again, whatever that looks like. I would very much like it to look like a regular healthy sex life and relationship again. Who knows. Maybe it will be with an asexual partner or as a Buddhist monk. But I have hope and am working to keep in a positive mindset overall. Not going into these negative thoughts, but just keeping moving at all cost.

 

This is my journey thus far. I'm grateful to be here with you all...

[mammaP]

Hi Change, welcome to SA. I apologise for the delay is replying, we mods are all vounteers going through our own stuff and unfortunately a few of us have been away at the same time. 

 

How is wellbutrin affecting you now, are you still taking it?  It is encouraging that you are having some feelings, it shows that you are recovering.  You are doing really well taking care of yourself and doing everything we would suggest.   Do you still have the brain zaps etc ?  Do you have any pattern to your symptoms? It does seem that you are having adverse reactions to wellbutrin but it is hard to tell if it is actually helping with withdrawal. Thank you for posting your signature it is very helpful. 

[changeofmotion]

Hi mammaP

 

Thanks for the reply. I am no longer taking the Wellbutrin. My GP told me I could stop that. I have found a new doctor who was recommended on this website - Dr. Abramson in SF.  I have an appointment with him on Tuesday and I am working through the side effects until then.

 

I have restarted sertraline at a dose of 6.25mg. cutting pills as that is the only way I can do that at the moment. I have done that the last three mornings but so far no change in symptoms. If anything they have got worse - significant anxiety and panic attacks, very difficult to focus, I feel like I am in a dreamlike state. 

 

Dr. Abramson wants to cross taper me onto another ssri and then taper off from there. I don't know whether restarting the Zoloft will interfere with this plan but I had to do something and he couldn't tell me over the phone whether it was ok or not to do that for legal reasons so I had to make a call. 

 

I am so very scared right now. My friend group has been amazing and continues to be. I am so scared I will lose my new relationship which is only just starting and with a person I find to be amazing. After all this time seeking a partner that would be a good fit... The thought is abhorrent.

 

I'm working to push through fears with various coping strategies and calling friends and family when I need to. I feel like I am failing them but I also know that is the withdrawal talking. It still feels real though.

 

What are your thoughts on restarting Zoloft and the doc's plan to cross taper? 

 

In answer to your questions. No brain zaps at the moment - just the aforementioned cognitive difficulties, losing words, anxiety attacks, very very low desire and the inability to get anything close to an erection which is the worst nightmare for me as my ex was unable to have sex with me for a long time due to pain issues and I know what that does to a relationship... and now I find a good partner and that's me?????? 

 

Symptoms come in waves but the anhedonia is pretty constant at the moment. Better and worse days. The last couple have been bad. 

 

I am probably going to have to quit my job. I am taking a week up in northern California to stay in a friend's farm and be with people that care about me. I'm struggling to keep it together.

 

Love to all.

 

 

 

 

[mammaP]

Hi Change,  thank you for the information. Intermittent dosing for so long wil have destabilised your nervous system, and is trying to regain homeostasis. 

Cutting the tablets is not easy and you are probably getting uneven doses, so it would be better if you make a liquid. It is very simple, before you go to bed, drop a pill in 50ml of water, you need to measure it precisely so might need to go to the pharmacy or store and buy a graduated cylinder or some other receptacle that is clearly marked. I use an oral syringe. In the morning, sheke it up and take 6.5ml to get the same dose you are taking now. Pour it into a bottle , mark it clearly and keep it in the fridge.   It takes 4 days to reach a steady level in the blood. 

 

When did your symptoms change? And is there a pattern?  For example, 2 or 3 hours after I take my dose I get headache and pressure, with tingling in my face. I know this is a side effect because it happens after I take my dose. I get  headache and brain fog when my dose is due, that is withdrawal.   We just need to be sure whether the new symptoms are withdrawal or side effects.  For now I would stick with the same dose, but in liquid to be sure it is consistent. it will take time to stabilise after the alternate dosing.  It's important to have a good routine and if you can manage to keep working it will be better for you if it a job you enjoy and have a good working relationship.  A week in California on a farm sounds perfect, I hope you can take it without having to give up the job. 

 

About cross tapering. It isn't something we normally recommend, the best way to help withdrrawal is the drug that was originally taken. A cross taper usually means tapering down a drug while increasing another, until the full dose of the new drug and stopping the old. Quite oftem people don't tolerate this very well with an unstable nervous system. It is usually prozac that is used but your doctor might have other ideas.   I will get some links for you to look at. 

 

About reinstating

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/7562-about-reinstating-and-stabilizing-to-reduce-withdrawal-symptoms/

 

When you are stable you will need to taper off slowly. 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1441-tips-for-tapering-off-zoloft-sertraline/

 

The prozac bridge

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1463-the-prozac-switch-or-bridging-with-prozac/

 

[changeofmotion]

Hi there,

 

I wanted to check back in. I am thankful - very much so - for the guidance and support.

 

Since I was last here, things have improved significantly. I have been having regular doctors appointments and would highly recommend Dr. Abramson and his practice. He listens, is firm where he feels that it is in your best interest, but it is always a dialogue. Best doctor I have come across in my life. 

 

So, where am I at now? As of right now, I have not had any sexual side effects for a month. I completed a cross taper onto 10mg of Prozac, and then reduced the dosage in liaison with my doctor, to 5mg, then 2.5mg and as of this week am fully off prozac. I was prescribed oxcarbazepine at 175 and then 300mg as an anti anxiety medication. That has helped significantly and I have not had any panic attacks recently. The effect I noticed was that what would have been a panic attack I could observe as anxiety. But I could see the thoughts happening and be mindful about it rather than getting lost and spiralling. 

 

I am also in therapy and doing DBT which has been helpful as well. Working on coping strategies for when stressors are high. 

 

I've changed a lot about my life recently and mostly for the good, but not necessarily all. I have reduced my hours to 20/week at my job, and am working remotely from my friend's farm most of the time, while work trading on the farm. Friends and a natural setting help. 

 

Moving up there has been very stressful, and I do notice that I get stressed more easily than before. Or at least, I am relearning how to cope with stress and emotions in general.

 

Finances have take a hit. Significantly. I'm lucky to be in a situation where I can buffer that for right now. But not indefinitely. 

 

Predictably my car is having major issues right now, which is another stressor. But when I look at how much has changed for the better in the last few months I can't help but be grateful. When I last checked in I had no hope that the sexual side effects would go away and they have dissipated completely at this time. There is mental clearing up to do and fear of what if this time it doesn't work, but that's just fear and not reality.  Mindfulness has been helpful to assist me in telling the difference.

 

I have also been learning to ask for what I need with as little shame as possible. While that has not been easy for someone who is an introvert, I have been genuinely amazed at how understanding and kind people have been when I have done this and explained the situation to the level of comfort that is acceptable for me with any one person.

 

I could write more, but that will suffice for now. 

 

I know I am not fully out of the woods yet but I am on an upward slope and feel grateful.

 

Hopefully this provides some hope and support for those who are going through a worse time than me right now.

 

With gratitude and humility,

 

Ben

 

 

[Pedroknopfler]

Changeofmotion, How are you now? How about sex, libido, erections...?

[changeofmotion]

Hi Pedro.

 

I am doing okay still. Libido is still a little lower than I am used to, but I am coming out the other side of a short relationship that really didn't work out primarily because of the sexual side effects of the Zoloft, so most of that is due to negative associations with that experience.

 

I tire out easily, and get overwhelmed easily still, and can make less than ideal decisions when I am in that headspace. Overall, though, I am doing well. I can't emphasize enough the importance of opening up to people who you trust and getting support wherever you can as you go through this. Friends, family, chosen family, professional counsellors - whatever it takes - has made a big difference for me.

 

I wish you well on your journey.

 

Metta,

Ben

[changeofmotion]

Another check-in.

 

I am grieving the loss of my relationship and suffering spells of sadness and depression. I am still taking the oxcarbazepine at 300mg/day. I am going to reduce to 150mg a day soon.  I notice that people feel I am volatile in terms of when I get into a sad mood and go quiet - that those clouds can come over me fast, especially when I haven't eaten enough food recently.

 

I am getting ready to move again, and that is a stressor, or can be.

 

Sexual side effects are still non-existent, but I am struggling to feel like I will find a partner again. I have a lot of fear around being sexual with anyone at the moment - as if by doing so I will hurt myself and others through another traumatic experience. Not a healthy fear, but one that feels real for me right now.

 

Has anyone else been through this? Any advice? 

 

Overall, I know I am lucky, but I don't feel that right now.

 

All the best,

 

Ben

[brassmonkey]

Hi Ben-- First, please update your signature to reflect your current dose of all the medications.

 

Hopefully your doctor told you that oxcarbazepine is an anticonvulscent and is frequently used to control seizures. If they didn't, now you know.

 

It is very common for people to experience rebound seizures if they reduce their dose of these drugs too rapidly.  This can happen even if they were not put on the drug to control seizures.  Because of this these drugs need to be reduced slowly and carefully.  We have found that our recommended taper of 10% every four weeks works quite well.  I wouldn't go any faster than that.

 

Moving is always a pain and can be very stressful if you let it.  Roll with the situation as it unfolds and things will be fine.

 

Brassmonkey

[changeofmotion]

Thanks Brassmonkey. Appreciate the advice and insight. Doctor did tell me about the possibility of rebound seziures if going too fast but suggested that the dose I am on was below the threshold for this.

 

Feeling more stable now, though still succumb quickly to tiredness and sadness when lacking food. 

 

 

[changeofmotion]

Hello everyone,

 

It has been a little while and I wanted to come back and post an update.

 

I have been on no (i.e. 0) psychoactive medication since June of this year.

 

I am generally doing better, but still go through periods of intense restlessness, depression and despair, followed by a window of clarity, lightness, relief and stability (i.e. Windows and Waves). These can happen on a daily cycle, or a weekly cycle or longer. It's hard for me to predict.

 

Acts of kindness and compassion from friends and family help me to come out of these waves. As does physical contact (i.e. Hugs). Conversely, not feeling seen by people that I care about, or being told an 'easy' solution by these people rather than being seen and listened to, has a negative effect. Acts that lack understanding or compassion from strangers/colleagues, even, seem to trigger me going back into the darkness. I am a sensitive soul - to some extent that part is nothing new.

 

The periods of intense despair manifest in times of stress, of which I still have a lot in my life, as I am moving a lot and doing a lot of different types of work, and not making much money. I am now located in London, UK - my hometown. I came back to the UK from California in September to see if I wanted to move back to the UK permanently. I have made the decision that I do, and am now preparing for a trip back to CA to pack and ship my belongings. 

 

It's hard for me to determine whether the down periods are 'caused by' stressors/triggers or whether they are correlated. Chicken and egg question.

 

I have noticed that I have a very, very strong cortisol spike in the morning and wake up worrying about the world, climate change, and my life and feeling a lot of despair. Partly, remembering this is just that - a cortisol spike - and not going deeply into the thoughts any more than I have to has been helping me work with this. However, I often fail to see it for what it is still, and that can still be a problem.

 

I have noticed that when I am in a window, my memory of my life before trauma comes back. I feel compassion and love for the people in my life, past and present, and I don't feel numb and grey. It is hard not to get frustrated at the lack of this memory and these feelings when I am under a wave.

 

I am pleased to say that I've had no further significant PSSD problems. I have had a few short relationships, due partly to the nature of my existence, which seems to have been constant movement and change. I have had sexual dysfunction once or twice during that time, but this has been clearly correlated with a specific stressful situation, and when I am not in that place of stress, everything functions fine. I still crave a stable long-term relationship (as that is what I was used to until 3-4 years ago) and I do still have significant anxiety around anything sexual, partially due to the PSSD experience. This again is a chicken and egg scenario, I feel... as when going on dates, the times that I feel most comfortable with someone are the times where I have been given the space to be truthful, open and honest about my PSSD and sexual history with a potential partner. However, talking about this early on in dating I feel is something I 'shouldn't' do as I've been told by various friends/family etc. that that can come across as too heavy. 

 

Friends and family note that I do often try and pack a lot into my life, 'You keep adding to your list', they say. And it's true, and perhaps not always healthy. However, I struggle to know how to moderate this, or whether I should. I am a people pleaser, have a lot of different interests and want to pursue all of them. When in a window, I want to make hay while the sun shines, and feel like I can do so. Sometimes I wear myself out in making commitments during these times, and that results in stress. Then I go under a wave and feel like I can't cope with everything that I have committed to. Again it is hard for me to separate out whether there is causation here or not. Would the windows and waves happen anyway, so there's no point in me not trying to pack a lot of things I want to do into a window? Or is it by trying to do so much in a window, that I cause the next wave to happen. I don't know, and would value the benefit of others' experiences here.

 

Things I've been doing to proactively work on/with my symptoms are:

 

Making the decision to move back to the UK and trying to craft a life of more stability - or at least that is my intent. I told myself that the only two reasons I would pick up and move my life again were for a new partner who I was in love with, or for family. The latter is the reason I am making this move. It is daunting, but I am on the eve of it and feel more ready now;

I have re-started counselling/talk therapy with a practitioner who I have a long history with. This has been helping;

I am working to slow down and get in my body when I realise that I am feeling disconnected from my immediate reality. This is not always easy for me to catch, but I am working on it;

Drinking less alcohol and drinking less frequently; and

Continuing to reach out to my friend network when I am feeling down or need to talk. For the most part everyone has been very compassionate and supportive, though sometimes I worry that I overwhelm people.

 

 

Anyhow. Those are my updates. I wish you all well on your journeys. I hope that by sharing some of my progress, it might give a bit of insight and light to others going through this. Feel free to ask me any questions, should you wish, and I'll reply as helpfully as I can.

 

Cheers!

 

Ben

 

 

[Peachy]

@changeofmotion

how are you doing? I noticed that you went to see Dr. Abramson... Do you still feel good about this decision? I had a weird conversation with him and I didn't feel great about his opinions of SSRI WD syndrome.

Was it hard for you to get off of the Oxcarbazepine, and did you have side effects with it?

What were your symptoms to begin with?

Thanks!

I hope your all better!

[changeofmotion]

Hi there,

I'm doing okay. Up and down and still going through mood swings. 

 

In general I still feel good about Dr. Abramson. In comparison to all the other doctors I encountered he at least listened and came up with a plan with me that we executed and in general worked.

 

I didn't find coming off the oxcarbazepine hard. I didn't have any side effects that I know of. My symptoms to begin with are documented best in my original few posts on this site. I am still going through windows and waves patterns now and it has been 6 months since I stopped the oxcarbazepine. 

 

Hope that helps.

 

Cheers,

 

Ben

 

[Peachy]

2 hours ago, changeofmotion said:

I am still going through windows and waves patterns now and it has been 6 months since I stopped the oxcarbazepine. 

Thats great! Did you use the oxarbazepine to help you finish your taper? Why did you end up going off it? And going off didn't trigger any more WD effects?

Best!

 

[changeofmotion]

It's been a while again - I thought I'd post an update.

 

In general, I am improving. I have at times almost forgotten what a traumatic process I went through only a year and a half ago, along with the fear of permanence of the withdrawal symptoms that pervaded my life at that point and for many months afterwards.

 

So how am I now?

 

Well, I have realised recently, not fully healed.

 

But as mentioned - good enough that I forgot for a while. Blessing and a curse - I'll take it as a blessing. As planned, I have moved to the UK to be closer to family and find some safety  for a while, earn some money and not push myself too hard. However, I am prone to taking on too much, so the not pushing myself too hard part is a challenge!

 

I realise that I have perhaps had more anxiety than before I was on antidepressants. However, it manifests in different ways. It's hard to explain. I think it's somewhat masked by the anhedonia and tiredness. It's not like I don't feel anything deeply, but days do tend to blur together and life feels blunted a lot of times.

 

I think the trigger for me to come back and write this time was the recurrence of some PSSD and realisation that I still have symptoms, when I had forgotten that it was even a problem. 

I left a relationship in California that wasn't serving me, however, the sex was overall good and connected and I'd had no obvious PSSD symptoms - no problem getting hard and no difficulty with arousal.

However, now I am back in the UK and have started dating again, I've found that the arousal process is super different to how I remember it being before. Best I can describe is that it's not reliable - it takes more connection. I need to feel safe, connected, warm, cared about before most of the physical responses kick in. I can't go into a sexual encounter and just trust that everything will respond as I'm used to. That's been an issue recently that caused me to go into my shell and have a week or two of really down times.

 

I think I need to be more up front with dates about this and that it's real and that I'm healing from it. Rather than beating about the bush. Often the things that are most healthy are the most vulnerable though, and I feel I tend to be too vulnerable with dates early on.

 

Anyhow. Apart from that, life is going okay. I'm having regular therapy which has been helpful. Mood swings are still a real thing for me, as is depression, which has come back in familiar form - however I'm better at managing it than I was.

 

I think I'm going to take some time off of trying to date and just focus on myself, being close to my parents, brother and his family and feeling loved and cared about.

 

From there, we'll see. Life's short - I may go and do another year of fine furniture making school from August and see if I can make it in that world again. That or natural building.

[changeofmotion]

On 11/9/2018 at 1:14 AM, Peachy said:

Thats great! Did you use the oxarbazepine to help you finish your taper? Why did you end up going off it? And going off didn't trigger any more WD effects?

Best!

 

Hi there, 

 

I realise I didn't get back with you last year - I apologise and hope that this input is still helpful.

 

I did use the oxcarbazepine to help finish the taper. I ended up going off it because I wanted to be done with all psychoactive medication as far as possible, in as  safe a way as possible.

 

As far as I am aware, it didn't trigger any more WD effects. But who really knows. Anyhow, I believe that it was helpful and non-destructive to my recovery.

 

Kind regards,

 

Ben

[Peachy]

@changeofmotion thank you! Can I ask what symptoms you feel it helped with? And did you get side-effects from it? 

And tapering off of it wasn't as bad as the SSRI?

Sorry, I just started lamictal today at an infant dose and I'm having side effects...

 

[changeofmotion]

8 hours ago, Peachy said:

@changeofmotion thank you! Can I ask what symptoms you feel it helped with? And did you get side-effects from it? 

And tapering off of it wasn't as bad as the SSRI?

Sorry, I just started lamictal today at an infant dose and I'm having side effects...

 

Sure thing. I feel it helped with anxiety spikes / cortisol responses. 

 

I don't remember any significant side effects, and tapering off was pretty much fine, apart from the return of the anxiety spikes, which I was better equipped to manage at that point. 

 

Sorry to hear that you're having side effects.

[brassmonkey]

I would suggest doing some careful research before asking your doctor for a prescription for oxcarbazepine.  It has a long list of very harsh/dangerous side effects and interacts badly with a number of common medications.

[changeofmotion]

55 minutes ago, brassmonkey said:

I would suggest doing some careful research before asking your doctor for a prescription for oxcarbazepine.  It has a long list of very harsh/dangerous side effects and interacts badly with a number of common medications.

Agree. Worth noting that I was given a dose well below that which it is prescribed on-label for (for seizure prevention). And that I was monitored closely and regularly. I still wasn't fully comfortable with it, as I wanted to be prescription medication free (due to waking up to what SSRIs had done to me) but it did serve its purpose in the moment with no obvious side effects for me. 

[changeofmotion]

Hello all. It's been almost 2 years. So I thought I'd check in again, say hello and give an update.

 

I think the main thing I want to say is that it's okay to stick with the process and be how you are in any given moment. This takes time. And it is definitely a rollercoaster and it absolutely is hard. Yet, each moment, we are healing from this. 

 

I've found this especially true in those moments where there is a clear choice to make - to take a challenging decision that feels 'right' or the easy road. Generally if I take the easy road it doesn't end up being true to me, and therefore it doesn't serve me and can further contribute to depression.

 

Specifics: I've moved again. Back to California, back to doing woodworking as a vocation. Back to an area that is rural and a culture in which I largely feel supported and nourished. That makes all the difference.

 

Fish oil and magnesium and a healthy diet make a huge difference. Avoiding negative people and setting boundaries also makes a big positive difference. 

 

I've been working 6 days a week for a long time now. It helps in some ways to be immersed, but can be exhausting and I do sometimes burn out. 

 

Symptoms wise I still have cortisol spikes and anxiety and depression but they are probably now at a baseline similar to pre-SSRI me. I am just starting to experience some windows of what I would consider 'normal' - for me - sexual response. By this I mean sexual response that feels familiar and comparable to those times before I was taking SSRIs.

 

I'm also starting to be able to label - after the fact - times when I am in dissociative states (i.e. not 'in my body' but 'in my head'). That's something that's been lacking for a while and is also something that happens far more frequently than I would like. However, being able to identify it is empowering.

 

I am also realising that I have a lot of traumatic memories to work through and that I need to be kind to myself, and also work through them rather than blocking them out, which is what I have been largely doing up to this point. I simply haven't felt that I could risk processing anything of that ilk for fear of breaking down again or having to start from 0. I think my brain is finally catching up with the fact that I'm in a very different place to where I was two years ago, and letting my body dictate a few things again.

 

That's what I've got for now. Lots of healing and work still to be done, but I feel optimistic. 

[IWantToHeal]

@changeofmotion glad to hear you have so had so many positive improvements over the 2 years since you stopped taking Zoloft including almost a full recovery from the SD issues.

 

I am wondering,  do you think this was due to you reinstating with Prozac and then tapering back down? I am bit a worried that I have been 5 months since my last dose of Zoloft cold turkey and don't see much improvement with sensitivity and sex drive.

[changeofmotion]

Hi there. 

 

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with the SD side effects. It's really quite tough, I know. It took me quite a long while to get sensitivity back, and it's not omnipresent even now.  

 

5 months is a relatively short time period in the process of healing from this, in my experience, but hang in there and I believe you will heal.

 

As for the reinstatement, perhaps it helped on that front - I believe I felt calmer and more present and like myself after reinstating. However I don't remember any night and day differences with SD during that time.

 

Hope that helps some. Hang in there. 

[changeofmotion]

A warm hello to everyone in these strange and challenging times.

 

I thought I would post a short update. I've continued therapy work related to trauma. Specifically a therapy called EMDR, which is used to treat PTSD, and associated depression. It has been very helpful. I now believe that a lot of what we go through in withdrawal can qualify as a traumatic experience - especially if there is iatrogenic harm from medical practitioners denying the experience that someone in withdrawal is having.

 

I'm also investigating yoga, bodywork, and breathwork as ways to assist healing. There is a lot of good evidence that trauma can be best healed through working with our bodies and our minds simultaneously. For anyone interested in finding out more about this - here is a good primer: https://onbeing.org/programs/bessel-van-der-kolk-how-trauma-lodges-in-the-body/

 

Finally, eating a lot of live culture dairy and fibre and greens - started making yoghurt (so easy, I discover!) - to maintain gut-brain axis health.  

 

Still have issues with dissociation and brain fog, and worries about sexual function sometimes. It's easy for me to go to a place of 'this isn't working how it should - it must be due to withdrawal', especially when I'm in a dissociative state. However, often when I'm able to get back in my body, I am able to notice I'm feeling exhausted, or nervous, or sad - and when i'm able to do that, it gives me agency to address that root cause, which then usually takes care of the symptom I've been worrying about.

 

Working through all that (sometimes effectively, sometimes less so) and trying to limit screen time and practicing getting back in my body when I recognise what is happening. Working to rewire those neural pathways. 

 

That's about all I've got. Grateful for this community.

 

Love to all,

 

Ben

[ChessieCat]

Thanks for letting us know how you are doing.  Sounds like you are trying very hard to find ways to look after yourself.

[changeofmotion]

4 minutes ago, ChessieCat said:

Thanks for letting us know how you are doing.  Sounds like you are trying very hard to find ways to look after yourself.

Thanks Chessie. Hope you're well and your healing process continues.

[changeofmotion]

Another check in. With a new partner for the first time in a year or two. Everything is fantastic and I'm thrilled with how things are... I feel seen and heard and cared about for being me...

 

And yet... For the first time in years the PSSD has returned and I have no chance of getting an erection it feels, even though last week it was no problem. And I feel helpless around that... And felt I had moved past it, but it seems that isn't the case. 

 

We've talked about it and there's a lot of care and support there from my new partner. 

 

And yet I just want things to be 'normal' again in that way... And don't know how to make that so...