Dejavu: can anyone tell me what's going on?

[Gridley]

5 minutes ago, Dejavu said:

Will I ever get stable enough?

 

Yes, you will.  I'm sorry you're feeling so low.  It will get better, and you'll know when it's time to taper.  The body has its own schedule and all we can do is cooperate with it.  As we always say, one day at a time.  It's not a life sentence.

[brassmonkey]

 I'm sorry to hear that you got hit out of the blue like that.  With any luck it will be a short on and you will be able to get on with things pretty soon. Your description of the day after makes it sound like it will be a quick one, but I'm only guessing.  Glad the AAF is working, I found it to be very handy.  It's been six months since your updose so you should be pretty close to being able to start that taper. Are you considering doing a Brassmonkey Slide?

[ShiningLight]

2 hours ago, Dejavu said:

 My frustration level is very high, and I feel a bit despondent. 

 

I feel you. This is a long, slow process. 

 

I don't imagine this wave lasting long for you. Just think of how far you've come, Deja!!! 💙💚💛💜

[Dejavu]

@Gridley, thank you for reminding me what I already know. It helps tremendously to see it spelled out by someone else. My hero!😉

 

26 minutes ago, ShiningLight said:

Just think of how far you've come, Deja!!! 💙💚💛💜

Thank you, @ShiningLight, for reminding me of that, too. It's so strange how hard it is to internalize that fact when you're in the thick of it. Intellectually, I can look at my notes or go through my thread here and see that, but for some reason, it's very hard to remember. Maybe that's the silver lining of these waves that come out of nowhere. If nothing else, they do make you realize how much healing has taken place. 

 

And @brassmonkey, thanks for weighing in. I always welcome your thoughts and educated guesses. More often than not, they are spot on.  I think/hope you're right that it will be a quick one. I'm feeling slightly better already; anxiety is quite low now. Mostly just achy muscles, full bladder sensation, slight head pressure and terribly dry/blurred vision in left eye. I'm taking it very easy today.

 

It's actually been 10 months since reinstatement, but I did 4 months of bouncing around (including a 1 week lexapro trial which knocked the props out from under me!) before settling on a steady dose, so I don't know whether to call it 6 or 10 months at this point. My first cut will be a straight 5%, so that I can "test the waters" and  get to 25mg. If I tolerate that okay, I plan to then go to a 10% BM Slide. Also, I've been reviewing Bubbles' thread and I'm kind of intrigued by her microtapering method. Still a 10% reduction, but dropping daily over a week with a three week (or more if necessary) hold. I'll just have to see how my body reacts. Whatever causes the least disruption to my CNS is what I will be doing. 

[Carmie]

Hi Dejavu, 

 

I’m sorry that you’re hit by a wave at again. When we are in waves it’s so hard to see the end of them sometimes. I’ve been in waves in the past that lasted for three months of more, but they always ended. I always think about our poor little brains trying so hard to find some kind of equilibrium after what these meds have done to them. They are chugging along so hard trying to repair things. Hard little workers that they are.

 

I hope you stabilise soon, Sending hugs🤗

[Dejavu]

Thank you dear @Carmie. I've had those long waves too. They feel like they will never end. The only good thing about them is that when they do finally end, I always seem to have gained some ground. So now, when I'm in a wave, instead of obsessing about symptoms, I try to ask myself, "I wonder what will be better when this wave lets up?" I'm not always successful, but thinking about it in that way builds more positive neuropathways in our brains and facilitates healing. So I try.

 

This wave may be already letting up a little. Anxiety is gone. My muscles are no longer tense, just sore from being tensed for so long. I'm left with a mild headache, low mood, and my usual blurry vision is worse than normal. I was able to take a short nap today and still no cortisol jolt on awakening. I'd say my overall condition is currently a 5, whereas my WD normal is usually a 7. Last night it was more like a 3. So definite improvement  I'm hoping this was just a little wobble. I really am anxious to start my taper!

 

How are you coming on your latest cut?

Edited September 20, 2019 by Dejavu

[Carmie]

So happy that your symptoms are easing Dejavu💚

[Dejavu]

Today was a little better, with only a wobble or two. A few symptoms remain but come and go intermittently - head pressure, burning tongue, sore thigh muscles - no big deal. But the vision issue really drives me nuts, because most of the time it's only one eye. It looks like I'm looking through wax paper over my left eye, and the eye itself is so dry and sore. It is disorienting and can sometimes bring on DP and balance issues. Then, my vision will suddenly clear for a while. Well and truly bizarre. I can successfully distract most of the time, but sometimes it's a real challenge.

 

This weekend will be a real litmus test of what's left of my intestinal fortitude. Today, I shopped and cooked with my brother for a family reunion tomorrow. It will be held in a state park 1.5 hours away. There will be about 100 people there, and I will be far away from my comfort zone. It will be noisy, hot and bittersweet - the first full family gathering without my mom, sister and uncle. Then the next day my band will play at a benefit for the family of a fellow musician who recently passed. It, too, will be hot, noisy and bittersweet. Add to that a little performance anxiety for good measure. Needless to say, the following Monday I plan to do nothing but rest, meditate, eat good food and watch bad TV.

 

If I can pull all this off without too much struggle, then I'll consider myself still on track to start my taper in November. The plan (subject to change, of course), is to do a 5% taper, then hold for the holidays, and begin a Brassmonkey Slide in January 2020.

[Sassenach]

Have a great time.

Relax , float, enjoy.

If you hit a bum note glare at someone else

But you knew that 🤗

Sass

[ShiningLight]

So glad that you're feeling a bit better! Do you have any coping strategies planned during the event itself? Such as take time outs, or whatever might work for you? I hope you can have a good time amongst the bittersweetness.

[Carmie]

Hi Dejavu, 

 

The family gathering will be a lovely distraction for you, but as ShiningLight says, make sure you have coping strategies. It’s in a park, so if you find everything getting too much go for a little walk in nature or find a little spot out of the way where you can sit down. There are 100 people so I’m sure you’ll be able to sneak away here and there. 

 

I love Sass’s advice Relax, float, enjoy. 

 

Sending hugs🤗

[Frogie]

7 hours ago, Dejavu said:

Today was a little better, with only a wobble or two. A few symptoms remain but come and go intermittently - head pressure, burning tongue, sore thigh muscles - no big deal. But the vision issue really drives me nuts, because most of the time it's only one eye. It looks like I'm looking through wax paper over my left eye, and the eye itself is so dry and sore. It is disorienting and can sometimes bring on DP and balance issues. Then, my vision will suddenly clear for a while. Well and truly bizarre. I can successfully distract most of the time, but sometimes it's a real challenge.

 

This weekend will be a real litmus test of what's left of my intestinal fortitude. Today, I shopped and cooked with my brother for a family reunion tomorrow. It will be held in a state park 1.5 hours away. There will be about 100 people there, and I will be far away from my comfort zone. It will be noisy, hot and bittersweet - the first full family gathering without my mom, sister and uncle. Then the next day my band will play at a benefit for the family of a fellow musician who recently passed. It, too, will be hot, noisy and bittersweet. Add to that a little performance anxiety for good measure. Needless to say, the following Monday I plan to do nothing but rest, meditate, eat good food and watch bad TV.

 

If I can pull all this off without too much struggle, then I'll consider myself still on track to start my taper in November. The plan (subject to change, of course), is to do a 5% taper, then hold for the holidays, and begin a Brassmonkey Slide in January 2020.

Hi:

 

Thank you so much for stopping by my thread here and there.

 

I hope you have a wonderful time at your family reunion. But like everyone says, if it gets too overwhelming I hope you can go “hide” in the park and take a breather lol...

 

I’m sure you will have a blast with your band. And a benefit, how wonderful!

 

When you get  done, relax and take care of yourself. Sounds like you have your taper all planned out and ready to go😊

 

Looking forward to hearing all about the reunion and your band💜

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

[Dejavu]

Thanks @Frogie, for popping in. I really need all the support I can get right now.

 

Today was the reunion. I didn't sleep well last night, due mostly to anticipation and worry that I would wake up feeling too badly to go. But although I was sleep-deprived, that did not happen. The reunion was good. There was a point during which I slipped into about a 15 minute wave of DP and inner tremor, but I was able to "float" and it soon passed.

 

The big win today was that the vision in my left eye was noticeably improved. Still not great, but a good deal better. My eyes are still dry and quite photosensitive, but I'm hoping for continued improvement.

 

Tomorrow is my gig. If I can pull this off, it will cap the most active weekend I've had in a year, and I can reward myself with some much needed R&R on Monday. 

 

I hope you are still feeling well. You have come such a long way and are a real inspiration! Keep it up!

[Sassenach]

Great you had a good day yesterday djv.

Knock them out today. 👍

SASS

[composter]

You are doing so well, Deja. I've also had those waves that come out of nowhere and feels like you made no progress at all/your memory is wiped from all the good weeks or months you've had. But they do pass and something does heal after that. 

 

In case you're wondering, here's how I made my determination that I was stable and could start my taper:

 

1) Symptoms were at a minimum for at least a month. I no longer obsessed about every symptom or felt the need to make a note in my Glenmullen chart. My WDnormal is about 95% of my healthy, non-drug normal tbh.

2) I had passed the 6 month mark of reinstatement. It was more like 8 months for me. 

3) About 3 months had passed since my last rough wave. Waves last 1-2 weeks for me.

4) I was in a stable and supportive place life-wise and had taken steps to support my neuro health with therapy, supplements addressing deficiencies, long walks, and good talks with family. 

 

Sharing in case any of those criteria resonate with you. You will know when you are stable. And I think the plan you've laid out is very wise.

[Rosetta]

I hope your weekend is going well.  What a lot to do.  It will be hard, but you can do it. You have had enough healing!

Rosetta

[Frogie]

7 hours ago, Dejavu said:

Thanks @Frogie, for popping in. I really need all the support I can get right now.

 

Today was the reunion. I didn't sleep well last night, due mostly to anticipation and worry that I would wake up feeling too badly to go. But although I was sleep-deprived, that did not happen. The reunion was good. There was a point during which I slipped into about a 15 minute wave of DP and inner tremor, but I was able to "float" and it soon passed.

 

The big win today was that the vision in my left eye was noticeably improved. Still not great, but a good deal better. My eyes are still dry and quite photosensitive, but I'm hoping for continued improvement.

 

Tomorrow is my gig. If I can pull this off, it will cap the most active weekend I've had in a year, and I can reward myself with some much needed R&R on Monday. 

 

I hope you are still feeling well. You have come such a long way and are a real inspiration! Keep it up!

That’s wonderful @Dejavu!

 

It sounds like you had a great time and you were able to handle everything just fine with just one little blip. 

 

Soooooo awesome about your eye! Maybe this is a sign of improvement. I’ll keep sending you good vibes for this recovery.💜

 

 I wish you nothing but the best for your gig. You’re going to rock, lol... 🎸🎤🥁

 

Glad you are having a good time. Then you can decompress Monday, but remember the wonderful memories.

 

 Keep us posted please!

 

Take care,

 Frogie xx

[Dejavu]

I am exhausted, but happy. My show went very well today. We sounded really good and packed the dance floor. Music is what will heal me. I'm convinced of it. As soon as I step on stage, I'm a brand new person. My bandmates are phenomenal musicians and even better friends, and playing with them makes every symptom disappear in that moment. I'm so lucky that I get to do this music thing. I'll never take it for granted again. 

 

This is the busiest weekend I've spent in almost a year. I've shopped, cooked, gone to a family reunion out of town, and played a gig with my band. I've spent time with my hubby, brothers, cousins, daughter, grandchildren and friends with not one tiny little whit of anxiety. Other symptoms have been minor and fleeting. Even my main problem with vision and photosensitivity is slightly improved. Also, the fact that I got 9 good, solid hours of sleep last night didn't hurt.

 

To everyone suffering through waves while awaiting stabilization and wondering (like me) if it will ever happen, it looks like the answer is yes! Even though I'm still not ready to taper quite yet, I seem to have turned a corner of some sort. The wave of just a couple of days ago is gone - shortest wave I've had so far. That's very different.

 

It has been very nice to be able to enjoy people and activities without withdrawal being foremost in my mind. I think I remember this feeling. It's called "normal." So many times in the past 10 months, any plans I made would have to be canceled because of withdrawal. That didn't happen this weekend. It wasn't perfect. There were little wobbles here and there. But I was just too busy to give much of a damn. And like @ChessieCat always says: measure your progress to how you felt at your worst, not at your best. It makes a huge difference.

 

For those awaiting stabilization - don't lose hope. It happens. Ten months ago, I wished myself dead, and that's just the simple truth. Eight months ago, I could not leave my bed. Six months ago, I could not leave my room. Four months ago, I could seldom leave my house. Today, I slapped on a full face of stage makeup, walked into a dark, noisy bar, and played 3 sets of music, with energy to spare. So take heart - soon you will be making your own music, too. Trust the process.

[thelegend]

This is so awesome!!! Congrats to you, you deserve it, it gives me great hope to see where you are now vs where you have come from. So happy for you!

[Sassenach]

Good on you djv

That is really what you call a milestone.

The best bit for me it sounds as though so you not only enjoyed it but it was like being  back in the real world.

Almost normal, not withdraw normal, real normal.

You have fought really hard and no one deserves it more.

😘

Sassenach

Edited September 23, 2019 by Sassenach

[Dejavu]

I officially survived the weekend! Sleep was good last night and my symptoms are few and quite low-level today. I'm taking it easy just to be safe. I might work in my home office for a bit later this afternoon, but I'm not going anywhere today. 

 

Thank you so much @Sassenach @Carmie @Rosetta @Frogie @ShiningLight and @thelegend for your support. This weekend was a big deal for me and I thank you for understanding that. No one who has not been through withdrawal would understand that. And @composter, as always, I am so grateful for your encouragement and insight. You were one of the first people to reach out to me when I was new here and so very terrified, and you have no idea what a difference your words meant to me, and still do. Thanks for the info about when to start tapering. That's a great guideline, and with your permission, I would like to pass it on to others who are wondering the same thing.

 

May we all see new levels of improvement this week, and every week to follow!

Edited September 23, 2019 by Dejavu

[RachelSusan]

16 hours ago, Dejavu said:

For those awaiting stabilization - don't lose hope. It happens. Ten months ago, I wished myself dead, and that's just the simple truth. Eight months ago, I could not leave my bed. Six months ago, I could not leave my room. Four months ago, I could seldom leave my house. Today, I slapped on a full face of stage makeup, walked into a dark, noisy bar, and played 3 sets of music, with energy to spare. So take heart - soon you will be making your own music, too. Trust the process.

 

Dejavu,

 

This is great to read.  It's inspiring. It means so much to me and I think it will mean a lot to others as well. 

 

I am glad you are doing so well.

 

[Frogie]

On 9/23/2019 at 10:28 AM, Dejavu said:

I officially survived the weekend! Sleep was good last night and my symptoms are few and quite low-level today. I'm taking it easy just to be safe. I might work in my home office for a bit later this afternoon, but I'm not going anywhere today. 

 

Thank you so much @Sassenach @Carmie @Rosetta @Frogie @ShiningLight and @thelegend for your support. This weekend was a big deal for me and I thank you for understanding that. No one who has not been through withdrawal would understand that. And @composter, as always, I am so grateful for your encouragement and insight. You were one of the first people to reach out to me when I was new here and so very terrified, and you have no idea what a difference your words meant to me, and still do. Thanks for the info about when to start tapering. That's a great guideline, and with your permission, I would like to pass it on to others who are wondering the same thing.

 

May we all see new levels of improvement this week, and every week to follow!

 I’m soooooo happy for you.

 

It sounds like you did really well and had a wonderful time.

 

I’m glad I could be a part of your weekend, hearing about it.

 

See, you are going to make it! Just like me. 🎈💜

 

Thanks again for stopping by my thread and giving me some encouragement. It is greatly appreciated.

 

Take care,

 Frogie xx

[thelegend]

Any update Dejavu? How are you doing?

[composter]

On 9/23/2019 at 9:28 AM, Dejavu said:

No one who has not been through withdrawal would understand that. And @composter, as always, I am so grateful for your encouragement and insight. You were one of the first people to reach out to me when I was new here and so very terrified, and you have no idea what a difference your words meant to me, and still do. Thanks for the info about when to start tapering. That's a great guideline, and with your permission, I would like to pass it on to others who are wondering the same thing.

 

So gratifying to hear this from you. Sending you hugs from California. 🥰 It has not been an easy road for any of us but I am glad to provide some insight and encouragement along the way. Yes, please do pass on my personal guidelines above to anyone for whom it may be relevant.

[Tom37]

@Dejavu Just checking in to see how your going? I hope your break away from here means your doing well.

 

No expectation to reply as understand that a break from here does you good.

 

Take care.

[Carmie]

How are you doing Dejavu?🧡

[Hopefull]

Hi Dejavu,

How are you doing these?

[sunnysideup69]

Hello Dejavu,

How are you? We had some convesations before when I had a different forum name...have sent you a private message.

I'm joining the band of people here who are wondering how you are doing. Windowing? Waving? Whichever it is, sending you a big hug

[sunnysideup69]

Hey Deja

Sending good thoughts and wishes your way xxx

[Dejavu]

Hi All! I apologize for ghosting. I needed a break from a lot of things, not just the forum. Here's what's going on with me:

 

It took me a total of about 10 months to feel stable enough to begin tapering. I began in December of 2019, and am now down from 26.25mg of Zoloft to 20mg. I am making my own liquid. I have felt pretty much normal and asymptomatic all during that time, with the exception of a very small uptick in symptoms on about day 5 of a cut. I have been using the Brassmonkey Slide method, but find I need to hold longer than a week sometimes. I should have cut again around June 24th, but I just didn't feel ready. So I'm still at 20mg. For the past few days, however, I've slowly slid into a wave - the first one I've had since commencing my taper. Body aches, tearfulness, anxiety, blurry and "wonky" vision, and tremor - all familiar symptoms - but why now? In spite of myself, I am freaking out a bit, fearing a "crash" like I had following my much too rapid taper in 2018. I had such high hopes that these symptoms were behind me. I am continuing to hold, dosing carefully and at the same time each day, and will continue to do so until this passes. I keep reminding myself that with ADWD, sometimes sitting still is progress. But it's very disheartening after so many months of feeling well. 

[Altostrata]

Hi, Dejavu. Has your homemade liquid lost its potency? Has it gotten warm or exposed to light? Did you keep it too long?

[Dejavu]

@Altostrata thank you for responding. No, I make a fresh dose daily. No changes.

 

Is this just a normal wave, after a months-long window? Or perhaps 10% is too much, and catching up to me only now because I'm a known slow metabolizer of zoloft? 

[Altostrata]

What other changes recently might have brought on this wave?

[Dejavu]

@Altostrata

After looking at my notes, I think I may see a problem. My first cut in Dec of '19 was an all-at-once 5% which went well. The uptick in symptoms only lasted a couple of days, and were relatively minor. Then in Jan of 2020, I tried an all-at-once 10% cut. This time, my sxs, while still minor, seemed to hang on longer, so I held through Feb and the beginning of March. I also made a mistake in March where I wasn't drawing out enough liquid for maybe 5-6 days, effectively updosing by 2.5%. When I realized my mistake, I went back down to where my dose was supposed to be and held there for two weeks, and I felt okay. I then decided to switch to the Slide Method and made 2.5% cuts on 4/12 and 4/19. Got some sxs from those cuts, so I held for another month, then did another two 2.5% cuts on 5/17 and 5/24, and held again. I was still having a few transitory symptoms by 6/24, so I have continued to hold to this day. Then hit with anxiety, tremor and vision issues starting 2 days ago. Seeing it in writing, the cuts don't look very consistent (as I am trying to find out what works best for me), but the holds have been long. I have also noticed from my notes that around 30 days after each cut, I always seem to have another slight uptick in symptoms briefly, which settles before the next cut. Maybe this is a matter of the inconsistent cutting catching up to me? Whatever the issue, I would imagine there's not much for me to do except hold and stabilize, right? Or do you have a better suggestion?

[ChessieCat]

How has the Covid situation affected you?  Have your work arrangements changed?  Are you cooped up by yourself or stuck in close proximity to others?  Have you been affected financially?

 

We have had members since the start of this year posting about unexpected and/or worse waves.

 

It could be that you have been handling it okay up until recently and then the stress/uncertainty caught up with you.  Possibly after the rioting started?