ShiningLight: brain injury with gabapentin WD want off others

February 29, 2020

15 hours ago, ShiningLight said:

just had the new roof put on! 😲 I am so proud of myself. I chose the company myself and I'm happy with who I went with and feel very good about getting it done, though it was a significant expense. I'm also having some electrical repairs and getting a new water heater. I hate doing it all at once like this, but with the issues there were, it also kind of made sense.

WOW!!! You're amazing! You coordinated all of that! It's many big projects.

15 hours ago, ShiningLight said:

The legs are still an issue of varying degrees and so is withdrawal but my body seems to have fallen into a routine with it. Things

So WD normal...knowing a routine helps get through this.

Sent you a PM too

March 24, 2020

Hi there,

Just want to let you know I am thinking of you and hope you are recovering from your infection and hope you take time you need to make a solid recovery and build strength. It's like flying on an airplane. Put on your O2 mask first so you can then help others. Take care of you first.

Big hugs

G.

March 25, 2020

@Giulietta Thanks, I hope you are doing well!

My lungs are finally clearing up a bit and it's a little easier to breathe. My energy is slowly starting to come back. Keyword: slowly. But moving in the right direction. I cut 8 mg last week and have had almost no withdrawal symptoms.

I had been hanging in there with all the uncertainty in the world and I felt somewhat calm, but now there are some job related unknowns on top of it all, which is really ratcheting up my anxiety and I'm struggling. I don't have family here so I feel pretty alone and that makes everything more scary. Though I suppose if you're around family that can be its own problem too.

March 25, 2020

3 hours ago, ShiningLight said:

My lungs are finally clearing up a bit and it's a little easier to breathe. My energy is slowly starting to come back. Keyword: slowly

3 hours ago, ShiningLight said:

I cut 8 mg last week and have had almost no withdrawal symptoms.

What excellent news! I am really happy for you. Did the previous symptoms fade/resolve (dystonia etc.?) I hope?

3 hours ago, ShiningLight said:

now there are some job related unknowns on top of it all, which is really ratcheting up my anxiety and I'm struggling.

I hope you are not feeling alone and isolated about this since most of us are even when not put on lockdown and feel the same way. People who are more extroverted have this issue I think. The TV has shown people having exercise classes following an online class, online parties, etc. Maybe pickig up the phone is less isolating. I call at least one person a day - so many older people aroud here.

3 hours ago, ShiningLight said:

Though I suppose if you're around family that can be its own problem too.

Yup. There are pros and cons to all situations but we makek the most and be thankful for being safe, having food, a roof over our heads. And our pets.

Have a nice one. Keep healing.

G.

May 8, 2020

Popping in to say hello. Happy birthday to me! I may have already said that before, but it bears saying again! 🤣 It's been a little over a year that I've been on this journey. No real wise words, just continuing to slog it out day after day.

Having a bit of a flare of the ol’ cramp fasciculation syndrome. I took a day of FMLA from my job this week because of it and I was so grateful to have that escape valve option. I don’t have a lot of FMLA time authorized so I try to be really judicious in using it, but there was no question that I needed it. I took it on Wednesday and I had a day off planned Fri. In between, I returned to work today, Thurs.

I continue to limp along in my job, trying to do the best I can. It’s hard because I have a disability and people don’t get that. My workplace views peeps who are out sick with suspicion, and peeps who do this at the last minute with resentment. Whatever. I think the FMLA helps to “legitimize” it somewhat. But it’s still an issue and I’m not sure what will happen to the job in the medium to long run. But I keep trying.

I’m taking a little different approach with my taper, cutting a fixed rate which is a low percentage. As I cut more, the percentage of the cut increases slowly relative to my total dose. Once the percentage increases more than I am comfortable with (not above 10%) then I jump back down to the next lower fixed rate. Next time it will be 4 mg. I’m going by symptoms and intuition as far as the timeframes, which has been working well. Compared with how I was last year, I’ve been very stable, though still somewhat symptomatic—sometimes more, sometimes less. I’ve been really pleased that the hot flashes have gradually almost completely subsided! This has been amazing because I was in such h*ll with them for so incredibly long.

If you're struggling right now, in my opinion the most important thing you can do is be patient and practice radical acceptance. That is what helped me to stabilize and start finding my way down.

I can’t say that I’m having a remarkable, fantastic life, but I can say I’ve been relatively stable and making progress in my taper in a mundane, plodding kind of way. For this and for all of you I am grateful. 💜

June 15, 2020

Hi friends,

Checking in. My sweet dog has a mass on his toe, so his toe is going to be amputated on Tuesday. They recommended that rather than biopsy. I will get the results from the pathology report. This is weighing heavily on my heart.

My medical doctor has mandated that I see him twice a year so I'm having one of those visits tomorrow. Not looking forward to it.

My mood has been pretty low for awhile. There's not much to say about it. I need to be disciplined and make some changes in my life and am struggling to find the will. I seem to be in some purgatory of dull existence.

June 15, 2020

33 minutes ago, ShiningLight said:

Hi friends,

Checking in. My sweet dog has a mass on his toe, so his toe is going to be amputated on Tuesday. They recommended that rather than biopsy. I will get the results from the pathology report. This is weighing heavily on my heart.

My medical doctor has mandated that I see him twice a year so I'm having one of those visits tomorrow. Not looking forward to it.

My mood has been pretty low for awhile. There's not much to say about it. I need to be disciplined and make some changes in my life and am struggling to find the will. I seem to be in some purgatory of dull existence.

Hello,

That is unfortunate but it will be for the better. I hope they will come back good!

It is very challenging at times coming off these medications and it seems hopeless. I promise you it will get better. You are strong and will get through it! Everyday that passes is one day closer to being healed !

June 15, 2020

15 hours ago, Cocopuffz17 said:

It is very challenging at times coming off these medications and it seems hopeless. I promise you it will get better. You are strong and will get through it! Everyday that passes is one day closer to being healed !

Thanks, Coco. Yes, the hopeless part is how I've been feeling. I'm trying to take opposite action and become more socially engaged and take better care of myself. I really appreciate your support and understanding. It means a lot.

June 17, 2020

Hello Shining Light,

On 6/15/2020 at 12:40 AM, ShiningLight said:

Checking in.

I am sorry about your baby. I hope the amputation went well and your little darling is doing OK. I feel for you. How big is your dog?

You are having a rough go of it - between your sweet little dog, your visit to the MD and life in general. You are I think in quite good company when it comes to making a change in our lives. I am trying to focus on envisioning a life (or qualities in myself) of what I want - as much as what of that is possible.

I hope you are sleeping OK.

Hugs,

Linda

June 17, 2020

Thanks Guilietta. He's doing ok, just hanging out in his soft crate. He feels a little better than yesterday, I can see it in his eyes.

We are all tired here, it was a big day yesterday. "All" being myself and two dogs. 🤣 Both dogs had dental appts and the mini poodle is the one who had his toe amputated. He's just a little guy, he weighs about 14 lbs. I feel that having a sick animal is mentally and physically exhausting.

I was weird and defensive at my doctor's appt, but that's how I usually am there. I am very uncomfortable with the power imbalance and so I get squirmy. Interestingly, this is my MD who I gave a cc of the book Anatomy of an Epidemic to last year. He said it's still sitting on his nightstand, but he started reading it. He actually referenced the "medical industrial complex" in our conversation. 😲 🤣 Last year, I asked him to make it mandatory reading for all his residents. He agreed but it doesn't sound like that has happened yet.

It was the resident who saw me first yesterday who suggested that my edema may be from Gabapentin or withdrawal. I was shocked! Sometimes residents are more open minded. Anyway they offered me diuretics and [not wanting another drug to taper] I said no. In my experience, doctors don't like it when you go there and don't take their medication, they feel like you're rejecting help. But I went because he said I have to see him in person twice a year.

My doctor asked me if the zoloft was helping and I was like good lord, I do not want to have *that* discussion right now. Talk about making a bad situation worse. Seemed like he wanted to switch me to something else. Noooo!

He retested my IgA again, which was again low. So I have a primary immune deficiency. This explains why I'm sick all the time and it takes me forever to get well. So maybe now they won't give me so much grief at times when I need a week off work due to illness. I hope so.

June 17, 2020

Hi there,

I am so glad to hear he's looking a bit more chipper today. One of the saddest experiences for me is seeing my dogs recovering from anesthesia. They are so doped up - as are we c oming out of a procedure. We feel terrible and understand why. They do not. Fingers and paws crossed that everyone will be closer to normal soon. I find a sick pet overwhelming - as you know.

1 hour ago, ShiningLight said:

All" being myself and two dogs. 🤣

Nice to have the 2 dogs. They are good companions.

1 hour ago, ShiningLight said:

I was weird and defensive at my doctor's appt, but that's how I usually am there. I am very uncomfortable with the power imbalance and so I get squirmy

I think that is normal - white coat anxiety - except we will admit it. Mutual respect is nice and it's nice when it is received.

1 hour ago, ShiningLight said:

In my experience, doctors don't like it when you go there and don't take their medication, they feel like you're rejecting help.

Could be, or perhaps it is because you don't want to take the medication. I find it goes better when you take the script and say you aren't sure but you are glad to have the script (and will try an OTC or to suffer!). I meet with people and keep saying mood management without meds. They think ADs are the only solution to managing moods (or in some cases pain).

1 hour ago, ShiningLight said:

It was the resident who saw me first yesterday who suggested that my edema

Eke. Another WD effect? Is this a gabapentin thing?

1 hour ago, ShiningLight said:

Seemed like he wanted to switch me to something else. Noooo!

I know what you mean. There is a pandora's box.

1 hour ago, ShiningLight said:

He retested my IgA again, which was again low

Are you (still) working in the medical clinic? Forgive me if I am wrong. I was frequently sick when I worked in the clinic (never got herd immunity in 2 years!) so I know it is not fun.

I have to deal with more MD and medicine stuff now and I'm up to my eyeballs. Time to draw some notes and turn off the computer.

I did learn that my leg, etc. problems over the past year are due to anxiety.

Nice chatting with you,

G/

June 18, 2020

Good job with the doctor. Sorry you had to go, but it’s good that you have no new prescriptions. I’m glad your dog is doing ok, poor baby.

June 29, 2020

Trouble sleeping tonight. Dealing with two coworkers who are being cruel. They are stonewalling me. Dreading tomorrow.

Basically, when I send them a polite request to do something, they do it but don't tell me they did it. This is a change from the past. It's like my requests fall into a black hole. They get it done but the manner is rude and outside the professional norm. The norm is to address it and copy the requestor on the response so they know it was done. Or, reply the the requestor and say yes or no.

It makes it very hard for me to answer their requests of me--it makes me want to do the same thing.

I don't feel I can address it with my supervisor because I'm worried she's going to see it as a "personality" issue and it will end up counting against me. I have had to assert myself with each of them previously on separate issues and they seem to be holding grudges/punishing me for it. They are being hostile and keeping me out of the loop.

One in particular tends to triangulate. The team is very small so when there's triangulation it's very obvious. It's just extremely toxic. It makes me feel physically ill. I want to get out but I am kind of immobilized. My confidence is low but I need to find a way.

There are a lot of power plays/politics in our meetings. For example, people won't answer your questions, they jump right over what you say and try to drive the narrative, etc. It's just so dysfunctional.

I want to work for myself. I am tired of working for corporations where I end up in situations like these where I don't have a lot of power and end up getting walked all over. I'm sure I must be not managing the power that I do have well, I kind of shut down when people treat me like that. I can't think and I give in or crumble. They know that.

June 29, 2020

8 hours ago, ShiningLight said:

Trouble sleeping tonight. Dealing with two coworkers who are being cruel. They are stonewalling me. Dreading tomorrow.

Basically, when I send them a polite request to do something, they do it but don't tell me they did it. This is a change from the past. It's like my requests fall into a black hole. They get it done but the manner is rude and outside the professional norm. The norm is to address it and copy the requestor on the response so they know it was done. Or, reply the the requestor and say yes or no.

It makes it very hard for me to answer their requests of me--it makes me want to do the same thing.

I don't feel I can address it with my supervisor because I'm worried she's going to see it as a "personality" issue and it will end up counting against me. I have had to assert myself with each of them previously on separate issues and they seem to be holding grudges/punishing me for it. They are being hostile and keeping me out of the loop.

One in particular tends to triangulate. The team is very small so when there's triangulation it's very obvious. It's just extremely toxic. It makes me feel physically ill. I want to get out but I am kind of immobilized. My confidence is low but I need to find a way.

There are a lot of power plays/politics in our meetings. For example, people won't answer your questions, they jump right over what you say and try to drive the narrative, etc. It's just so dysfunctional.

I want to work for myself. I am tired of working for corporations where I end up in situations like these where I don't have a lot of power and end up getting walked all over. I'm sure I must be not managing the power that I do have well, I kind of shut down when people treat me like that. I can't think and I give in or crumble. They know that.

I’m so sorry you are going through this with co-workers. They obviously have no respect for themselves, let alone you.

I hope you can get it worked out.

Take care,

Frogie xx

July 9, 2020

The work situation seems to be deteriorating somewhat, or is it in my head? I don't know. I have a new supervisor who seems very indifferent, or worse, to me. When I google how to know if your supervisor doesn't like you, she does all that stuff. Keeps me in the dark, gives me minimal info, sits on my time off requests for a month, doesn't follow through with things I ask until I remind her multiple times.

I'm getting a covid test tomorrow. I don't think I have it but I have been a little ill so I wanted to be safe. Meanwhile I've been in quarantine at home and working from home. I don't like working from home as I need the interaction--what little of it there is. 🙄

Overall just sad. I'm signed up for a zoom support group on Monday, which I'm really looking forward to.

It's been a little over a year since I got back to work full time after my leave due to acute withdrawal. I didn't think I'd be able to hang onto the job for this long, so whatever happens, it's good I've been able to make it this far. Although the environment is really tough, I'm glad to be employed and I keep trying. I need to make a change but can't seem to muster the energy.

July 9, 2020

I'm sorry to hear that work-wise things have not improved for you. It can be totally miserable being in a bad work situation. And it can impact your sleep because the dread falls on you the night before going in to work.

Have you thought about have some counseling? They might be able to teach you coping, assertive and communication skills. I'm sure you wouldn't be the only one in this type of situation. And talking to someone about it might help you to sort out if it is/what is a work issue and what is personal, either with them or yourself.

When my mother was young she was working in a room with one other lady who for reasons unknown to my mum seemed to have a grudge or something and it made it very unpleasant. My mum ended up speaking to the lady and said to her that she didn't know what the issue was but they no choice but to work together so they should at least try to be civil. She said that after that the situation was much better.

My daughter who suffers from anxiety has been seeing a counselor and recently her boss cancelled 2 meetings and booked a 3rd with her. My daughter in a respectful but assertive way requested that the 3rd meeting not be cancelled.

I've just done a search for: workplace communication assertive skills training. If you add your location/area to the search you might be able to find something.

July 10, 2020

Thanks so much @ChessieCat. I enjoyed hearing those stories and thanks for the suggestions. You're exactly right about the sleep. As soon as my head hits the pillow one of my mean coworkers takes up shop. Then I wake up to the feelings of dread.

Next Monday is the next meeting of an employment peer support group that I attend, so I am really looking forward to that. I'm not keen on psychotherapy anymore, at least not right now. I prefer peer support.

I'm also really looking forward to watching Medicating Normal on Saturday! I got myself a ticket.

I'm in a pretty bad wave with emotional flooding and neuropathy/muscle spasms *on my kneecaps* (such a weird symptom). Vascillating from extreme anxiety to depression to despair. Brain fog is also visiting again. It's all exhausting. Crying almost every day.

The kneecap thing...it feels like crampy/spasmy pain. It "grabs" my knee for a second or two. If I'm walking at the time it makes it a little hard to walk. Anybody else have that on their knees specifically? Just curious.

I had my covid test today. It made me want to cry too. It made the pandemic more real. I did it through the state of CA testing. It was in a huge warehouse. They would hold up signs telling you what to do next. "Roll down your window" "show me your ID" etc. It felt dehumanizing and dystopian. I felt contaminated, although I doubt I actually have it. It was a self-test nasal swab. I did a good job because my eyes started tearing up a little. Ow.

I decided to try vitamin D again about 10 days ago because of the pandemic, since it's good for immunity. I am aware to be careful with supplements and I do think that is what's been driving this wave as it's slowly getting worse, not better. So I'm going to stop the vitamin D and spend more time in the sun.

One thing that's been helping is to picture all my withdrawal buddies as silent witnesses to what's going on at work. I imagine the people who are being cruel as outside of my inner circle, locked out, while I am surrounded by you all validating everything that I'm going through. It's a good visualization and it helps. I have a real boundary problem, I let the wrong people in and allow them to fester in my head.

July 10, 2020

3 hours ago, ShiningLight said:

I decided to try vitamin D again about 10 days ago because of the pandemic, since it's good for immunity. I am aware to be careful with supplements and I do think that is what's been driving this wave as it's slowly getting worse, not better. So I'm going to stop the vitamin D and spend more time in the sun.

If that's coincided with the wave that it might be the cause or contributing to it/making it worse.

3 hours ago, ShiningLight said:

neuropathy/muscle spasms *on my kneecaps* (such a weird symptom).
...

The kneecap thing...it feels like crampy/spasmy pain. It "grabs" my knee for a second or two. If I'm walking at the time it makes it a little hard to walk. Anybody else have that on their knees specifically? Just curious.

Do you ever get sciatica? Or have lower back issues?

The reason I ask is that I'm currently being treated for a mildly bulging L4 disc (which was touching some nerves) and some of what I've experienced has been similar to sciatica. Pain in the groin, weird pain just below my kneecap front outer side. Pain down my shin and my toes feel a bit funny when I wiggle them. My kneecap was numb and felt cold to touch for a while and then changed to pins and needles. I had a cortisone injection which has helped with the inflammation but then my muscles started to stiffen and cramp up from being inactive for 2.5 weeks and now every so often I have a strange feeling around my kneecap like a twinge.

If it continues it might be worth getting it checked out because it may not be related to tapering/withdrawal.

July 11, 2020

@ChessieCatI have lower back issues yes. Only had the knee thing in wd. Today wd is better and knee is better.

Feeling more emotionally solid.

Pretty sure it was the D!

Wrote to neuro who said I don't know if the knee is wd or not but best to hold your dose. Drives me bonkers when he says stuff like that. He never quite believes my tales of wd woe but then in the same breath tells me to hold. 🤣

July 11, 2020

Holding for longer is better than reducing too quickly.

If you get the knee thing again and continue to do so, try to be aware of what activities you have been doing that might be setting it off. It may not be anything to do with drug/tapering.

From: https://totalorthocenter.com/sciatica-reason-behind-my-knee-pain/

Quote

Sciatica is compression or irritation to these nerves. This irritation starts at the origin of the nerve. Pain then travels down the nerve. As a result, you may experience knee pain.

Knee pain is a common symptom of sciatica. Symptoms are felt in the front, back, or side of the knee. For instance, you may experience the following 5 symptoms:

A dull ache around the knee

Buckling of the knee

A warm sensation around the knee

Sharp pain around the knee

Weakness when extending the knee

July 11, 2020

3 hours ago, ShiningLight said:

but best to hold your dose. Drives me bonkers when he says stuff like that. He never quite believes my tales of wd woe but then in the same breath tells me to hold. 🤣

Holding for longer is better than reducing too quickly.

3 hours ago, ShiningLight said:

Only had the knee thing in wd.

Perhaps you are sitting more or differently during your taper. So it could be indirectly linked to your taper but it is not a withdrawal symptom.

If you get the knee thing again and continue to do so, try to be aware of what activities you have been doing that might be setting it off. It may not be anything to do with drug/tapering.

From: https://totalorthocenter.com/sciatica-reason-behind-my-knee-pain/

Quote

Sciatica is compression or irritation to these nerves. This irritation starts at the origin of the nerve. Pain then travels down the nerve. As a result, you may experience knee pain.

Knee pain is a common symptom of sciatica. Symptoms are felt in the front, back, or side of the knee. For instance, you may experience the following 5 symptoms:

A dull ache around the knee

Buckling of the knee

A warm sensation around the knee

Sharp pain around the knee

Weakness when extending the knee

July 11, 2020

@ChessieCat Interesting about the sciatica, thanks. I had no idea. I hope you feel better!

Not sure if it came across, but what I was trying to say is that if he doesn't really believe my symptoms are due to withdrawal, then it makes no sense to tell me to hold. The message from him is typically 'I don't think it's that but just in case.' I know he's just trying to cover the bases and it's *certainly* better than him trying to fast taper me. At the same time, I get very frustrated about not being believed and being treated like I'm a weirdo. I know that I need to get my validation elsewhere--regardless, it's a tiresome dynamic.

July 12, 2020

Update, mini poodle is doing very well now. Running around as usual, leaping off the bed, etc. Very proud of him. 💜 He's an older guy but still thinks he's a puppy.

Vet only gave him 5 days of anti-inflammatories after the toe amputation; we had to go get more meds. He was on those for 10 days and doing a lot better. Incision is healed but he still wants to lick. I've taken him off the hard hat and put him in a soft hat. He can still lick if he positions himself right but it's a discouragement and at this point I think the soft hat is enough, at least when I'm home with him.

I'm on the fence about having the vet send the specimen to pathology so I'm not sure what the future holds for us. The vet keeps the specimen for a year and will send it if I say the word. It's another $200.

I'm hoping my covid results come back soon (they said there may be delays at the lab) because I'm getting tired of being at home all the time. I wasn't socializing in real time before but at least I was going out to the store and to work.

The workers at the testing site said the test was free, but then buried in the written notices it said they bill health insurance. My health insurance won't pay for a "self test" so I am concerned I'm going to get a bill from my insurance, because the testing site will bill them. I will have to see what happens.

July 14, 2020

I’m sorry you are feeling stressed anout the test. It’s hard being stuck like this. We seem to be negative. At least my husband is. Therefore, we all must be. He’s the only one who goes to the store. I never go into any enclosed space except my MILs house. It’s very lonely. I hope you can go out again soon.

Rosetta

July 26, 2020

deleted, checking on copyright...

Edited July 26, 2020 by ShiningLight

August 13, 2020

Hi friend! Sorry to hear about the ongoing difficulties at work.

I actually took a COVID test this week and it was the self-administered county-setup business. Wasn’t sure if I stuck the swab up high enough but prayed I did. The results came back super fast and I am negative which is a relief because I had some cold-like symptoms. I worry mostly about spreading it to my parents.

How is your taper going? Are you still working from home?

Thinking of you!

August 15, 2020

Hi Composter,

I've been thinking about you too lately. I'm glad to hear that your test was negative! Sorry to hear you've been under the weather though. 😩 What's happening with school lately?

Yes I'm working from home still. Thankfully because I feel much safer doing that and my job is rocky so I'd rather be hashing it out alone at home. Grateful that my test was also negative.

Taper is going fine. I've had some increase in muscle symptoms which has been bothersome. It seems to be exacerbated by the heat wave.

People really need to try not to get the virus. I mean that seems very obvious, but sometimes it needs to be said because not everyone is taking it seriously. The more I hear about it the worse it is. Also I've had times of taking it more and then slightly less seriously (example: when I was going in to work). I've been doubling down, taking it very seriously now.

August 31, 2020

How are you doing? Miss talking to you.

Paula

September 7, 2020

I am dealing with some Mean Girls dynamics right now and it's h*ll.

I am so filled with such rage the only thing I can seem to do is take it out on myself. I don't understand. These are not kind people, they aren’t people I care about in the long run. Their behavior is cruel. It excludes me and I feel robbed of having a voice. But why do I care so much?

I keep replaying this in my head. It’s like torture. I don’t understand why I care so much. There is obviously not much I can do about it if they are going to exclude me on purpose, they don’t want me there, and this doesn’t seem like the kind of situation that is going to be helped by me speaking up to people who don’t care what I think and are determined to exclude me. Does anyone have similar experience? I truly can’t decide which would be more traumatic. To speak up or to just go along with it until I can quit. Either way I’m going to quit. I am absolutely, 1,000% going to quit. Soon.

I tell myself that I have limited energy, I can’t allow myself to get this upset over this because I have too much work to do to figure out what I’m going to do next. But yet it intrudes, I can’t keep it away and I have this visceral reaction to it. It seems I am past my breaking point. I have been hanging on by a thread for the past year and a half ever since I became disabled from the taper. It was already a difficult situation *before* that.

It seemed also that the relationship soured after I needed FMLA. My FMLA is now only a small amount of time a year, but it seems to be part of the problem. There seems to be no way to reconcile this as I have tried to express how I feel but this behavior kind of seems par for the course in this environment. Even aside and before me and my FMLA, it was a toxic environment.

The constructive thing that is going to come out of this is that I'm not going to allow myself to be in situations like that. Ever. Again.

😱 😡 😭

Edited September 7, 2020 by ShiningLight
spacing

September 7, 2020

Hey Shining Light.

Just popped on and saw this post. Don't know much about the situation and sorry to hear you're dealing with unkind people. I'm now retired and out of the 'rat race' so to speak. However, I stumbled upon something that worked when I dealt with conflict that really got to me back then. I had the feeling to pray for the people causing my grief. I can remember thinking, why? What could that possibly do. But I did in the name of Jesus. I prayed for my enemies and for myself to be able to show them His love. I am not kidding you, the whole dynamic changed after that! I remember thinking, that was really odd! Who knew? lol. Maybe I changed, maybe they did or maybe we all did. But girl, it worked for me.

Hoping things improve for you asap.

Md

September 7, 2020

Thanks, mdwstrx. Good idea.

September 8, 2020

Hi. First of all, I do not doubt that people at work are being jerks nor do I think your feelings are invalid. People are jerks quite frequently. Most workplaces are full of immature, jealous, manipulative people. I don’t miss it. However, I think you might be having neuro-emotions and an obsessive reaction to the situation at work. You may feel worse about it and less able to cope because of WD.

I never had much luck trying to remind myself of the possibility that WD was compounding the problem when I was feeling upset about social situations, but one thing to consider is that neuro-emotions will pass. I wouldn’t make any decisions right now about quitting your job just in case you feel differently in a week or two or three. You can always decide to do that later.

Don’t let these people chase you out of your job. Someday each of them will be paid back in spades for the way they have treated you. They just don’t know it yet, and when something goes wrong in their lives to make work difficult for them, the same people they are friends with now will ostracize them. Take solace in knowing that if you can.

September 9, 2020

Thanks, Rosetta. That's a good point. I'm not going to quit immediately. Although I don't want to spend so much of my work life trying to deal with people like this. I need to figure out some emotional first aid strategies for dealing with people like this.

You're right that the flooding aspect of this could be withdrawal related.

December 20, 2020

Checking in. Things are going well! I have given notice at work. My last day is in a month. In my role, I have to rotate through the ER and I decided that I didn't feel comfortable with that due to covid. They are not offering N95. But even beyond the N95 issue, I have a primary immune disorder and it just ain't gonna happen. No way am I setting foot in there right now. We are getting over 7,000+ new covid cases a week in my county.

My quit date is a few weeks after I am scheduled for the ER shift. I have told them that I'm not going to work the shift and they've told me, "You have to do it (?) or trade for another shift with someone else." They don't seem to understand that I don't *have* to do anything right now. They are upset with me that I've said I'm not willing to work over there. To try to find a replacement, I sent out an email asking if anyone wants to work my shift, but of course I have no leverage as I'm not willing to trade. No suckers so far. And I don't blame them. Shift is on a holiday weekend. It's dangerous to go in there, in my opinion. I don't understand why people in my role didn't take more of a stand on that issue. For us, it's a totally preventable exposure. There is no reason for it.

The only thing I can offer my employer is to quit before the shift, but that doesn't help either of us. I felt that I was being nice in announcing my intention not to work the shift ahead of time, to give them time to find someone. There is a backup manager who will have to work if they can't find anyone. I am facing pressure to acquiesce, including social pressure (ie not announcing my departure at the staff meeting, which is standard protocol). I have ceased to exist.

What's unfortunate is that I understand that essentially this means that I'm leaving on bad terms. I have given more notice than is required in an effort to help them out since my department is so small, but that doesn't seem to mean anything. I'm a problem because I'm not "going along with it."

In their eyes, it doesn't matter that I have a bona fide health condition. I could get a doctor's note to excuse me from the shift, but they aren't going to see that as valid. They can't "make me" work the shift especially with the MD note, but the point is the MD note will not endear me to them anyway. And that's one of the main reasons why I'm quitting--it's a very rigid culture and that doesn't work for someone in my situation. I was so angry at their reaction about me not working the shift that I wanted to change my notice to two weeks, but I slept on it and decided to take the higher road.

They don't realize that they could have done things differently which would have caused me not to leave. They could have treated me better. They could have found ways to provide virtual appointments. But they blame me for not agreeing with their approach, which essentially puts their staff in unnecessary danger because they are too cheap to find another way.

As far as what's next for me, I am going to be self employed. I will be broke for awhile but I am really glad I decided to take the leap. It will be so nice not being at the mercy of the medical establishment fighting for sick notes anymore. I may face some hard times being self employed but I have some ideas and some prospects and I believe I can make it work.

The first month I will be living on my cashed out PTO, so I can have a nice transition and ramp up period. I'm looking forward to that too.

December 27, 2020

Your employers are behaving outrageously. Not providing N95 masks? Not allowing a person with an immunodeficiency to avoid a shift with Guaranteed Covid cases? Of course, they must not have enough staff, but perhaps that is because the staff are not valued. How broken is our medical system? Wow, 7,000 cases a week. Of course you would be exposed. I can barely believe it, but I do, of course.

I’m glad to hear you are done with that job. Good luck to you. May I suggest you find a part time job as an insurance policy? If you look for a job, and you are offered a job, but then your references are checked and your old employer dares to bad mouth you, you might have a lawsuit. Whether you would find out what the employer said is in doubt, but it happens sometimes. It would take a while to get the money even if you won, but you would have that possibility down the road.

You might even find that having a part time job is better than not working while you start your own business. It’s a thought. The money would help you start the business, and you would be less isolated.

It is much easier to get a job if you are currently employed, and the prospective employer generally does not check a reference with the current employer; it depends, of course, but there is a chance that you would end up with a part time job from which you could get a good reference if you ever needed it. The awful people where you are now would not have to be your reference. I realize this means you would be trying to get a new job in the next two weeks — not something anyone wants to do while in WD. It’s worth a try given that your skills must be in high demand. The medical industry is making enormous amounts of money from government funded health care. You could change your mind at any time. Just a thought.

I hope all goes well with your exciting new business! - R

December 30, 2020

@Rosetta thanks so much for your support. Yes, covid pushed me over the edge of realizing *again* how broken the medical system is. I knew it was broken before, but "just" in the way of not emotionally supporting employees. Now they want me to put my body on the line. For what? It's totally unnecessary as my job can be done virtually. It's also very shortsighted on their part because their "savings" in not investing in technology will make them lose money if/when one of their employees shows up as a patient in their very own ICU, god forbid.

I have a contract position already, but the hours are variable and aren't guaranteed. Getting a part time job isn't a bad idea though. I can't bring myself to do it now, but I will if the contract job turns out to be not enough hours. It is an excellent point about the reference issue, as that would likely be a problem. It makes me sad because I put a lot into this job but oh well.

A colleague did end up offering to cover my backup shift. I was blown away by her kindness. I offered her an N95 but she didn't want it. I happened to buy 10 of them before the pandemic so I had them at home.

ShiningLight: brain injury with gabapentin WD want off others

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