mom2mkld: My introduction

[mom2mkld]

I am having a difficult time with severe depression

 

02-24-2020

 

Six hours of sleep

7:00am  0.93 Klonopin

10:00am  took 10mg lexapro and all vitamins

 

Tired

showered

made phone calls

1:30PM-6:30PM helped mom pack with sister and daughter

 

7:30PM  Home now and super, seriously, awfully depressed and desperate.   Seeing double.  Even with glasses on.

 

Made bottle of water with magnesium powder and sipped on it throughout the day.  Big bottle - maybe 25 ounces.  Worked much better to shake than to stir. Drank maybe half.  

 

I cannot stand the depression.  Body aches.  Now son is sick with fever, congestion.  

 

9:10PM  Took 1.84mg klononpin

                Took 10mg Claritin

 

I am having a hard time typing on my laptop.  

I feel awful.  have let myself go.  Look awful.  Feel awful.  Wish I never took these drugs.  And have gained weight since starting taper in 2017.   Have let myself go.  I never used to do this.  

 

Later I will take 2 caps of Best Rest --- ingredients are listed with vitamins

and I will take 4 or 6 mg of melatonin until I can fall asleep

Need a friend.  Need local support.  Just wrapping up glass items and boxing and I am weak.

[manymoretodays]

Oh mom2mkld,

The font is good now!!!!  And oh, so sorry that it's been a really tough one today.

 

((((((mom2mkld))))))))

And so hoping you get a good nights rest tonight, it can be so restorative, after a tough day.  Best to your dear son too.  I sure hope you can take it easier tomorrow!  Do you take baths ever?  Just a nice undisturbed quiet bath might help?  Add some Epsom Salts too, if you have some.  Those are another form of nice, calming, magnesium.

Edited February 25, 2020 by manymoretodays

[mom2mkld]

On 2/23/2020 at 10:57 PM, manymoretodays said:

I just shake mine up in a liter bottle and then re-shake before sipping. 

I did this yesterday with the magnesium powder and it works much better than just stirring with a spoon.  Thank you.

 

On 2/21/2020 at 1:20 PM, manymoretodays said:

We're looking at some of those supplements too, mom2kld.......just thought I'd mention that too.

As far as the value of your notes go now!

You may also benefit from some adjustments to those, as far as feeling a bit more "Withdrawal stability".

Shep noticed more on that.......

What did Shep notice?  I missed it.  I will look.  I actually took none of my supplements today.  I know that is bad.  I just do not feel well.  

On 2/23/2020 at 10:57 PM, manymoretodays said:

Some of your symptoms during the 24 hours, do look like some sure could be some WD symptoms.  Even though, it's 2 whole months now, or more, since you have made any drug changes.......often what we see here, are WDsymptoms, that come and go, then slowly improve........and best case, when finally medication free, are much, much better.

If these are not WD symptoms - then I am losing my mind.  

 

Spent some time trying to educate my husband today.  He says he "knows what I am going through" and doesn't want to read or hear me read about WD and the effects of Benzos.  I was reading the Heather Ashton manual.  I think she suggests getting off benzo first.  I don't know.  She says Benzos cause depression and suicide but so do AD.  

 

Wondering if I can print the Ashton Manual and take to doctor and if he would actually work with me.  His suggestion was that he could get me off klonopin within 3-4 months.  

 

Headache today.  ears clogged.  eyes tired. My daughter stopped by and said she needs meds to be able to work as a nurse, telling me every nurse and doctor on her floor takes Adderal (however you spell it), just to be able to work their 12 hours shifts.  Telling me a nurse gave her an Adderal pill one day and she says she felt great.  I tried to warn her but she tells me she needs to do something because she only works or stays in bed.  

 

I am severely depressed and enjoy nothing in life.  My husband is frustrated I know.  My son is very sick right now.  Fever, sweating, congestion.  He was up all night but sleeping today.  

 

I am desperate.  May try a zoom group tonight for people getting off meds.  I started tapering in 2017.  Why am I still on this crap and why am I still suffering every day?  I am frustrated too.  

 

I read in the compass site that I should not be taking supplements.  

[mom2mkld]

On 2/15/2020 at 8:13 AM, Shep said:

Mom2mkld, do you feel like you're over-drugged with the daytime Klonopin? Does the .93 mg Klonopin in the morning feel very sedating? 

 

Yes, I feel very sedated.  I drag my body and have to force myself to do anything I must do.  SEVERE fatigue.  If I push myself one day, I pay for it the next day.  I just cannot move.  I am exhausted all the time.

 

[Shep]

11 hours ago, mom2mkld said:

  I actually took none of my supplements today.  I know that is bad.  I just do not feel well.  

 

11 hours ago, mom2mkld said:

I read in the compass site that I should not be taking supplements.  

 

Mom2mkld, let's clear up some of the confusion on supplements. Please note my earlier post:

 

On 2/12/2020 at 8:43 AM, Shep said:

I'm concerned about your supplements. Several of them affect GABA receptors, which are also affected by benzodiazepines such as Klonopin. These include Valerian Root, Lemon Balm, Passion Flower, and Chamomile. 

 

You may be getting some paradoxical reactions from these. This is common when you dampen down the nervous system - it fights to stay alert. These creates a hyper-reactive nervous system. Also, your melatonin dose is high, which may be causing problems. Please see:

 

 

While the Inner Compass site is right that you should not take supplements (or rather, certain supplements), stopping them cold turkey or taking them on and off like you've been doing is not recommended. I'm not familiar with that site, but I'm assuming they mean you shouldn't start taking (certain) supplements during your taper. But you are already on them. So that's different. 

 

We need you to be very consistent with what you take. The supplements you've been on that affect GABA will need to be tapered. Taking them off and on like this could lead to kindling, meaning you risk damaging your nervous system. 

 

For now, please:

 

• Take the supplements every day, at the same dose, and at the same time(s) of the day. 
• Slowly reduce the melatonin down to 1 mg. 

And then we can discuss moving some of the Klonopin to the nighttime for sleep. This may help with the daytime sedation. 

 

[mom2mkld]

Doing the best I can.  Feeling useless.  Hands in pain.   On phone. Don’t know font. 
02-26-2020

son’s birthday tomorrow. No plans.  No shower.  I’m a mess.  

7am 0.94mg Klonopin stayed up.  Probably only slept 5 hours.  

 

9:15am  10mg Lexapro and all vitamins 

 

Feel absolutely awful.  All day. 

 

Paid some bills. Played Uno. Playing Mario Party right now with son and husband.  But still horribly depressed.  Worst depression. It is 6:30pm right now.  

 

Used to go to church every Sunday and every Wednesday years ago.  My sisters are dividing up my mother’s stuff.  

 

8:00pm. Took 1.84mg Klonopin and 10mg Claritin

Cried a lot  fall apart.  Head ache. Chest tight.

 

11:00.  2 caps best rest and 6mg melatonin. I need sleep.  

 

[Colonial]

 

Hi Mom, just letting You know I'm thinking about You! 💝

 

I'm a little concerned about You allergy meds causing trouble, too, if Your not regular with them or the other supplements.

I see you just changed on 2/12 from Allegra to Claritin. 

Hope You can get that stabilized soon. 💝

[mom2mkld]

Help! 
 

I have taken a sharp dive down.  Do you think it could be due to separating out the Klonopin and lexapro doses?  
 

I can barely get out of bed.  The dreams are awful. I have zero energy.  Do nothing all day. Have not showered for days.  Today is my son’s birthday.  I just now woke up and took the lexapro and look like and feel like hell.  
 

I am almost wanting to go to my doctor and tell him everything and ask for help. He would drug me up for sure.  I want to be free from drugs and from their control.  Especially when o saw what they did with my son.  
 

I cannot live like this.  
 

my husband is frustrated that I do not pray enough or believe God. Or go to church anymore.  I don’t do anything anymore.  I’ve lost myself. Psychiatry has destroyed me.  

[manymoretodays]

21 minutes ago, mom2mkld said:

I have taken a sharp dive down.  Do you think it could be due to separating out the Klonopin and lexapro doses?  

 

I would not think so mom2.  It sounds like you might have come down with something?  A cold or flu?  And then some additional stressors this week with you mom, to factor in.

 

21 minutes ago, mom2mkld said:

I am almost wanting to go to my doctor and tell him everything and ask for help. He would drug me up for sure.  I want to be free from drugs and from their control.  Especially when o saw what they did with my son.  

 

Yes, I don't think that's a great idea.  Try as much as possible to do some non-drug coping.  As trite as that may sound it can help.

Many of the symptoms of withdrawal syndrome arise from autonomic nervous system dysfunction. The distressed nervous system itself can generate intense uncomfortable feelings -- see Neuro emotions

Easing your way into meditation for a stressed out nervous system

 

Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) for anxiety, depression, or withdrawal symptoms

 

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and Radical Acceptance

The Dr. Claire Weekes method of recovering from a sensitized nervous system

 

Relaxation exercises, guided meditations, calming videos, sleep hypnosis

 

"Change the channel" -- dealing with cognitive symptoms

 

Music for self-care

 

Music therapy/music for wellness and healing

 

Behavioral Activation Therapy: Getting out and doing things helps depression

 

I took the links from the indexed list here:  Non-drug techniques to cope

 

Try just some listening to music you like, and see if that shifts it a bit.  Do a kitchen dance too.  I don't know, but that always helps me feel better. (movement plus music)  Try a walk today?

 

Were you able to sleep much last night?  The sleep deprivation can add up.  And then sometimes, in the morning the cortisol response, can present as depression type symptoms.  Let me know if it improves some, as the day goes on.

Waking with panic and anxiety- the morning cortisol spike

more about managing that ^

 

You are still here, and your inner self is still intact.  It may not feel that way, at the moment.......but it is so.  Do your best to do some good self care today, mom2.

 

L, P, H, and G,

mmt

Edited February 27, 2020 by manymoretodays

[mom2mkld]

Will check out.

 

 Right now, every movement hurts.  I hurt all over.  Nauseous. Making oatmeal.  
 

BP is up.  HR is down.  
 

130/90. 
HR is 56

 

i used to have BP of about 120/70

 

Sometimes my BP has plummeted.  

 

have to fix oatmeal for son and me.  
 

[mom2mkld]

Music does not help.  Nothing is helping. In a bad place.  

[manymoretodays]

mom2mkld,  You might find some relief more naturally, in the next several days too.  Just by staying steady with times taken, for drugs and supplements.  Going on and off of supplements probably did not help and caused some bumps.  And then, of course, you ran out of the Best Rest.  And yes, Colonial is right....switching antihistamines can even throw things off.  So stay real consistent and regular now.  Do the notes.  You might begin with just a small decrease to the melatonin now too.  6 mg is still a whopper dose of that.  Perhaps try 4.5 mg next.  With melatonin.  Sounds like maybe a hangover effect this morning.  So hoping it lifts.  (and ha ha, posting now from my phone, sorry for the lack of spacing)  mmt.

[mom2mkld]

Thank you. Suffering a lot. 

[mom2mkld]

Severe depression.  It seems the whole world is against me.  
 

lots of family drama. I’m trying to help my mother because she is not being treated well by family and is fragile. Yet I am attacked by them all.  I’m alone.  Suffering.  Having to deal with my son’s life or death problems.  
 

I need a break.  I need friends.  I have none. 
 

I have been living a nightmare for years now.  I can’t take this much longer 

 

I am feeling completely alone.  I don’t know what to do anymore 

[Colonial]

I will go on quietly and slowly, but I will go on firmly, and with a certainty of success.   ❤️

 

Daniel O'Connell

[manymoretodays]

How are you holding up mom2mkld?  @mom2mkld

It can be so tough, when family expects you to carry so much all alone, with no insight into what YOU are going through.  I'm sorry the video did not seem to register with anybody, in your family, who could be supportive to you now.  Oh that stinks!  However, it's so often the norm.

 

You might look at the Benzo Information Coalition site too.  I think they have more, as far as informative information, and testimonials of people who have been through, what you are going through.......and maybe some, where other family members eventually "got it" and learned to support.

 

Try to keep on popping in, with updates, when you can.

 

And keep your focus on,

On 2/27/2020 at 12:19 PM, manymoretodays said:

Just by staying steady with times taken, for drugs and supplements.  Going on and off of supplements probably did not help and caused some bumps.  And then, of course, you ran out of the Best Rest.  And yes, Colonial is right....switching antihistamines can even throw things off.  So stay real consistent and regular now.  Do the notes.  You might begin with just a small decrease to the melatonin now too.  6 mg is still a whopper dose of that.  Perhaps try 4.5 mg next.  With melatonin.  Sounds like maybe a hangover effect this morning.

 

......just trying to keep your drugs real regular, with times, and doses.  And your sleep, wake schedules too.  Little things can and do help. 

Looking forward to your update, when you can.

 

L, P, H, and G,

mmt

[mom2mkld]

Having trouble with sleep.  Having trouble with purpose. Been fighting for so long. Not only my own battles but for my son too.  I’ve lost everything about me.  

[mom2mkld]

I’m wondering, since I’ve just been holding in purgatory of WD since 12-19-19, if I should just start decreasing every four weeks and just get it over with already. I am miserable.  I can’t go backwards.  I cannot stay here. I feel stuck.  I’m not feeling any better. I don’t think there is anything that can make me feel better.  Maybe getting off drugs.  

[Colonial]

 

1 hour ago, mom2mkld said:

 I cannot stay here. I feel stuck.  I’m not feeling any better. I don’t think there is anything that can make me feel better.

 

I'm sorry Your symptoms are still so distressing.

Are you still taking either Allegra or Claritin? Also the herbal issues.

I worry about those being a part of the problem of why you might not be stabilizing, along with the stress of Your Son.

[Altostrata]

What are your current symptoms, mom2?

 

On 3/10/2020 at 5:30 AM, mom2mkld said:

Severe depression.  It seems the whole world is against me.  
 

lots of family drama. I’m trying to help my mother because she is not being treated well by family and is fragile. Yet I am attacked by them all.  I’m alone.  Suffering.  Having to deal with my son’s life or death problems.  
 

I need a break.  I need friends.  I have none. 
 

I have been living a nightmare for years now.  I can’t take this much longer 

 

I am feeling completely alone.  I don’t know what to do anymore 

 

This seems very much a situational condition. You have family difficulties. Now, with coronavirus circulating, there is additional stress.

 

One way or the other, you'd do well to teach yourself some stress and anxiety management. Read these:

 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

Easing your way into meditation for a stressed-out nervous system

 

Music for self-care: calms hyperalertness, anxiety, aids relaxation and sleep

 

Ways to cope with daily anxiety

 

Dealing With Emotional Spirals

 

Shame, guilt, regret, and self-criticism

 

Health anxiety, hypochondria, and obsession with symptoms

 

Deep emotional pain and crying spells, spontaneous weeping

 

Coping with irritation, anger and rage

 

If it weren't for coronavirus, I'd suggest getting your family together to talk about taking care of each other.

[manymoretodays]

18 hours ago, mom2mkld said:

I’m wondering, since I’ve just been holding in purgatory of WD since 12-19-19, if I should just start decreasing every four weeks and just get it over with already. I am miserable.  I can’t go backwards.  I cannot stay here. I feel stuck.  I’m not feeling any better. I don’t think there is anything that can make me feel better.  Maybe getting off drugs.  

 

Hi mom2mkld,

And yes, what are your current symptoms like?

Do another of the 24 hour segment of notes, like you did before.

Include all the supplements as well, and symptoms when they occur.

 

And oh my, I just got a flash of dejavu, reading your post.  I had that same kind of thinking at one time, where things were so bad, that I honestly thought that a rush job off my single medication/drug at that time, would help.  I wound up in the hospital(voluntarily), after a way too rapid, and ill advised taper from Lexapro.  I just could not function.

 

And, so yes, give us a better idea of things now, for you.

 

And so glad that you checked in mom.  And oh, I hope today is going even a little okay for you.  Lot of stressors lately........

It does, always, and without a doubt, change though........change, is that one constant, that we can all be sure of.

 

Best, L, P, H, and G,

mmt

[mom2mkld]

On 3/26/2020 at 10:14 PM, Colonial said:

 

 

I'm sorry Your symptoms are still so distressing.

Are you still taking either Allegra or Claritin? Also the herbal issues.

I worry about those being a part of the problem of why you might not be stabilizing, along with the stress of Your Son.

I take Claritin.  I suppose I could just stop everything.  Yes- I’m still taking all the same supplements.  I cannot remember the last time I’ve felt “stable”. I cannot remember anything good or happy.  All I do, which is very little, is like climbing a mountain.  I’m barely functioning. No way to live.  

[mom2mkld]

On 3/27/2020 at 3:09 PM, Altostrata said:

What are your current symptoms, mom2?

 

 

This seems very much a situational condition. You have family difficulties. Now, with coronavirus circulating, there is additional stress.

 

One way or the other, you'd do well to teach yourself some stress and anxiety management.
 

If it weren't for coronavirus, I'd suggest getting your family together to talk about taking care of each other.

 

This has been a long time coming. I started out with such determination.  Read everything I could find for years. Tried everything I read for years. I’m burned out. I can no longer read or do anything much. I’m in some sort of survival mode. Have zero energy or strength. Rarely even bathe. Occasionally need to force myself to do things. This is not me. I’m sure the drugs have destroyed everything about me and I do not know how to get back. I’ve never been a depressed person before psych drugs.  I had panic attacks. Then came benzos. Then came depression and then came antidepressants and antipsychotics for depression and other drugs. No drug helped. Only makes me worse. I kept telling them that.  Probably why they’ve tried over 25 drugs on me. Now I’m in a very bad place. Can barely do anything. Would put myself in a hospital if I thought they could help.  But I’ve done that before X 4.  Only feel worse upon discharge. They make me feel like a prisoner and stupid in psych hospitals. I’ve seen the worst of the worst.  Especially when they were just letting my son die of their forced overdose to him.  No hospital or doctor for me.  I need medical help- compassionate medical help to get completely off these drugs and healed. The drugs are my problem.  They just want to drug me up.  Right now not in a good place at all. I know to many I may look like I am not even putting forth effort. I am doing  best I can.  But I cannot live like this. 
 

there’s no talking to my family 

[mom2mkld]

On 3/27/2020 at 3:35 PM, manymoretodays said:

 

Hi mom2mkld,

And yes, what are your current symptoms like?

Do another of the 24 hour segment of notes, like you did before.

Include all the supplements as well, and symptoms when they occur.

 

And oh my, I just got a flash of dejavu, reading your post.  I had that same kind of thinking at one time, where things were so bad, that I honestly thought that a rush job off my single medication/drug at that time, would help.  I wound up in the hospital(voluntarily), after a way too rapid, and ill advised taper from Lexapro.  I just could not function.

 

And, so yes, give us a better idea of things now, for you.

 

And so glad that you checked in mom.  And oh, I hope today is going even a little okay for you.  Lot of stressors lately........

It does, always, and without a doubt, change though........change, is that one constant, that we can all be sure of.

 

Best, L, P, H, and G,

mmt

I basically cannot say how I feel because I think it’s against rules here.  I’m not functioning but I’ve tried hospitals four times and doctors for 25 years.  I’m pretty stupid to not figure this out sooner.  I do not know what to do. I need relief. I need off these drugs. They are my problem.  There is no help in the medical community whatsoever. Only harm and abuse. I can try the 24 hour thing.  It’s the same with drugs and supplements.  And symptoms. Mostly agonizing and paralyzing exhaustion and depression.  Not making it.  

[mom2mkld]

If my husband were not working full time and supporting me, I would not have anything.  He is the only reason I have a place to live and food to eat. My son gets disability.  I do not. 

[manymoretodays]

18 hours ago, mom2mkld said:

I basically cannot say how I feel because I think it’s against rules here.  I’m not functioning but I’ve tried hospitals four times and doctors for 25 years.  I’m pretty stupid to not figure this out sooner.  I do not know what to do. I need relief. I need off these drugs. They are my problem.  There is no help in the medical community whatsoever. Only harm and abuse. I can try the 24 hour thing.  It’s the same with drugs and supplements.  And symptoms. Mostly agonizing and paralyzing exhaustion and depression.  Not making it.  

 

Hi mom2mkld,

I was wanting to see how you were doing with your supplements now, as I know that's one thing that we were looking at, perhaps prior to beginning a taper of Lexapro.

The notes can be helpful, in showing us(and you), what is happening with symptoms, both before and after your drugs and supplements. 

 

And then, once you begin to taper again.......they will be invaluable too, as far as getting an idea as to if/when WD symptoms occur, after changes.  Then often, members can or do alter their percentage of tapering from the previous dosage, for best experiences, and to minimize WD symptoms as much as possible.

 

And it's okay, to say how you feel here, within bounds.  Keep in mind that there is a whole community to be considered too.  As far as trying to keep a healthy balance here, overall, while so many are going through some tough issues and symptoms.  If it were me, I would try to focus on at least a bit of anything positive, every now and then.  Even a good hour in 24 hours is worth savoring.  Anything that IS working as far as coping goes.

 

I don't think you are "stupid".  Sometimes the words we use with ourselves, can really effect how we feel.  I know it's really frustrating and I so wish you had not had to go through everything you have.......both for yourself and your son.

 

Please keep trying though.

Is any of the non-drug coping helping?  I spy some nice tips from Shep, on page one, and then I gave you some stuff too, as well as Alto's list of links above.  Do take a look at Shame, guilt, regret, and self -criticism.  The link is just a few posts up.

 

Oh mom.  I hear you.  Very tough right now for you, with all you do for others, too.  Please take good care of yourself now. 

 

L, P, H, and G,

mmt

[mstimc]

5 hours ago, manymoretodays said:

If it were me, I would try to focus on at least a bit of anything positive, every now and then.  Even a good hour in 24 hours is worth savoring.  Anything that IS working as far as coping goes.

 

I don't think you are "stupid".  Sometimes the words we use with ourselves, can really effect how we feel.  I know it's really frustrating and I so wish you had not had to go through everything you have.......both for yourself and your son.

@mom2mkld, this is great advice from @manymoretodays.  When I was in the depths of WD, I went to see my son play in his junior high jazz band.  In the middle of the concert, I got my first real window--I was just in the moment, enjoying his performance and the anxiety disappeared.  It didn't last long, but from that moment on I knew I would eventually recover, even though it was still many months away.  When I got ht with a wave, I would hang onto that moment.

 

And I wasted a lot of recovery time beating myself up for lost time and what I knew were bogus negative thoughts.  I now realize that just delayed my recovery by legitimizing my obsessive and negative  thoughts and behaviors.  Deal with the reality of where you are and don't beat yourself up.  Reward yourself by recovering so you can be the mom you want to be.

 

 

[Altostrata]

mom2, we understand you are not in a good situation, and that causes you to despair. If your family situation is making you miserable, no amount of drugs will fix that. Something has to change there. It could be your entire family could use the help of a counselor or therapist.

 

Being real with your family may be one way for you to change the dynamic, but I understand you're feeling very fragile yourself.

 

I need to know what symptoms you have that might be drug-induced. This is the last time you posted your daily notes:

 

On 2/23/2020 at 8:35 PM, mom2mkld said:

I’m going to bed now. Am tired.  Can I change font on here?  I have been doing everything on my phone.  Only once I used computer. I tried to quote outside of box with phone and it didn’t work.  I use notes on phone to log my day.  I guess I’ll have to use computer to change font.  Last day from my phone.   For schedule:

 

2020-02-23

 

Woke up 6:30am. 5 and 1/2 hours sleep 

 

7:00am.  Took 0.93mg klonopin and laid back down. Listening to a message from YouTube with earphones.  

 

12:00pm. Took 10mg of Lexapro after being woken up by a phone call. Still feeling sick with cold. Drinking coffee right now. 

 

2:30pm. Took 2 fish oil caps, 1 multivitamin, 1 CO Q10softgel, 1 vit D, vit C, zinc, Adaptogen, calcium/magnesium cap 

 

Just apathetic, sad.  Useless. 

 

Cannot talk about how badly i feel.  And chest is tight.  

 

Family drama.  My husband went over family house.  Sister texting me.  

 

Got nothing much done again today. 

 

8:00pm 1.84mg Klonopin 

               10mg Claritin 

 

11:00pm 2 caps Best Rest 

                6mg melatonin 

 

Discouraged 

Lying down 

 

have to read all you wrote tomorrow.  But family is wanting me to pack my mother all week.  I can barely take a shower.  My husband is off work so I won’t see him.  If I pack her all week I will definitely have to use my phone so font may be big unless I can figure how to change in notes.  Life is overwhelming.  I am behind in all that I need to accomplish.  I disappoint everyone 

 

 

I see the family drama played a huge role, here, too. We're very sympathetic, but being only an Internet support group, we can't help you with the family drama. You may need to use some unprecedented approach to break the cycle.

 

Do any of your symptoms get worse after you take each drug? What is your sleep schedule?

 

Why are you taking 6mg melatonin? Have you tried other dosages of melatonin? Are you also taking Klonopin at night?

 

Please post your daily drug and symptom notes, 24 hours at a time.

[mom2mkld]

I stopped the melatonin.  But I think Best Rest has some.  My symptoms and my sleep are all over the place.  I don’t think it’s drug related. I am broken.  They have broken me- the entire system.   I don’t know how to fix my life.  No one understands or cares.  I fit nowhere.  

[mom2mkld]

And no one understands that I am suffering severe PTSD I guess.  From seeing my son abused over and over within hospitals.  And the hospital tried to murder him.  And more. I’m alone in advocating for him.  I need help.  But it’s not here. I know.  There is no help anywhere 

[mom2mkld]

I give up!  I’m alone.  I have to do this on my own.  I can’t go back to being drugged after seeing how they tried to kill my son.   I give up on groups because I meet nobody’s standards!

[Altostrata]

I am very sorry that you're feeling so poorly. What standards do you not meet?

 

We'd help you more if we could. We understand you are suffering. The best we can do is coach you in taking care of yourself.

 

You might do better with more regular sleep. What is your sleep schedule? What is your daily drug schedule and symptom pattern?

[mom2mkld]

Had to quit for now

 

I have no support.  Everyone is angry and cannot stand me.  I feel suicidal.  So, I am going back to 3mg klonopin.  Keeping the 10mg lexapro and even took Ambien at 4:30am today  so I could sleep because I am a hot mess.  No one can stand me.  

 

I need energy.  So, I have no help or support.  I guess I have to go back to my drug pusher and tell him all my symptoms.  He'll just get out his RX pad and fill me up with drugs.  Who cares?  No one.  Maybe I'll die.  I don't care.  I cannot take this anymore.  I don't want to feel.  

 

I pray my son is able to get off clozapine and effexor.  He is only 25 years old.   He needs a chance at life.  He has also been brutalized and almost murdered in a hospital with permanant damage.  It was mal practice, but since I hold no clout nor money-  I cannot get justice for him.  

 

He has a civil suit against the hospital with a young attorney who is going so light on them it is sickening.  After this is done, I have to get him out of Florida before they kill him.  I hope he gets to enjoy his life because then, my only mission left is done and I am free to leave this earth.  I'm done.  

Edited May 28, 2020 by Shep
moved from new thread started on the benzo forum, added title

[Betsy]

Hi

 

I am so very sorry to see you and your son having these major difficulties. It breaks my heart. I know things seem hopeless to you. I was polydrugged with assorted benzodiazepines and other drugs that made me feel just like you. I just want to say you’re in the right place. You have gotten excellent advice and help. I too got so confused I could not function or even understand what was written.

 

but trust me it gets better. You and your son want off do that’s half the battle. What has happened is so unfair it is sad. Just have the trust as people here are your friends and want to help. Try and keep the faith and eventually this will be a terrible memory. I’ll be praying for you. Take care,

 

betsy

[mom2mkld]

I have actually looked back and everyone says to hold.  I have tried to get off these drugs and I am in severe tolerence ---- since 2017 because I hold and hold and hold and hold and hold.  And recently trying to taper again.  It is like hell on earth.  really.  I have changed supplements.  My amounts are different.  I really need help.  Like in person help. I am holding on with all I can.  I often come here when I am horribly desperate and I sound so bad.  And people give up on me. Is that it. I am beyond hope ?

[manymoretodays]

Hi mom2mkld and welcome back! @mom2mkld

I'm glad you are reaching out here again.  It's been awhile and sad to hear that you are having such a tough go of it.

How long have you felt so miserable?  I remember clearly you and your dear son too and sending hugs through the internet to you both.  Most especially you!  It does take courage to reach out and so glad that you have.

Yup.......likely tolerance.  You ARE smart and caring and it can be such a tough go when tolerance sets in.  Are you wanting to taper?

What does your day to day stability look like now?

 

Can you make a list of everything you are on now with the supplements in there too?

Put the time that you take each drug and supplement on the left, and then to the right of that type in the drug or supplement name and dose that you presently take.

 

And it looks to me like you updated your signature on return.  Thank you so much.  I'm going to put a copy of it here to refer to right now:

started with xanax in 1997 for panic attacks and now look what has happened

Current drugs: 

1- Klonopin:2013 started 4mg....2017 went to 3mg....been working on tapering ever since. Klonopin 09-18-2023: 2.78mg daily

2- Lexapro: not sure when I started 20mg but cut to 10mg in 2017. Stayed at 10 until 08-19-2023 I reduced 5% to 9.5mg too big cut due to death wish so now I just file a tiny bit with nail file but have been doing so poorly that I went back to 10mg as of 09-18-2023. 

Other drugs pushed on me for 26 years that I no longer take:

xanax from 1997-2013 when it was switched out to 4mg klonpin, remeron, cymbalta, zyprexa, celexa, serzone, brintellix(now I think it is called trintellix), effexor, prozac, trazadone, abilify, wellbutrin, ritalin, seroquel, latuda, pristiq, ambien, paxil, zoloft, vistaril, vyvanse, lamictal, cogentin, rexulti, and more that I do not even remember.  

 

Last taper of Klonopin yesterday.

I'm getting that 2.78 mg from 3 mg....... is a 7.4% decrease, which is a nice trial decrease.  

And we'll see when you take it when you answer my first request above and if you split your dose or take it all at once. 

And also back to full tablet of Lexapro 10 mg yesterday.

 

We generally go with just one change at a time.  Or recommend that.  That way it is clearer what is doing what.  

The rule of 3KI's. Simple, slow, and stable.

^ good information to get familiar with

For now, as you just did a taper..........stay put and hold off on further tapers or changes while we get familiar with you again, present day and time.  Does that sound okay?

 

When and what changes did you make to your supplements?

 

Are you able to get up and about each day?  How IS your sleep? 

 

Again.....nice to see you posting, welcome back.

 

L, P, H, and G,

mmt