benesh: is this possible

[benesh]

Help please. Not even sure what to write. Did a drop on September 13. So small from 8.6 to 8.4. Crying most of the time. Where should I read on this site. I get so overwhelmed  by all the threads. 
Scared.

[Colonial]

It was likely too soon after your injury to have made a drop.

You were in a lot of emotional and physical distress the beginning of September.

 

So, I am not even sure if this is from the drop you did on the 13th, or still part of the wave from the injury.

When we are destabilized, ANY small change in the med can give us a reaction that seems out or proportion to the amount of the drug dropped, which is why we always suggest waiting for a good bit after a physical stressor to make another drop.

 

Maybe if you had waited to  mid October it would have been better but again, it's hard to say if this is still just from the injury or both together.

 

You may wish to think about waiting until you are feeling better for 2-3  months before dropping again.

Also, the change in the seasons and loss of sunlight in your area always means the brain makes chemical changes for the winter season, this all adds up together for alot to deal with.

 

I have seen a pattern over the years where people seem to have bad waves in Sept or October for no real apparent reason. You may want to really hold tight where you are for an extended time.

 

Edited September 29, 2021 by Colonial

[getofflex]

4 hours ago, benesh said:

Crying most of the time. Where should I read on this site. I get so overwhelmed  by all the threads. 
Scared.

You could try a slight updose to 8.5 mg, and hang there for a couple of months, or even longer.  Colonial is right, it is better to wait until you are stabilized before making any change to the med.  She has given you a lot of good info and advice.  Here are some links that may help: 

 

Neuro Emotions

 

Emotional Spirals

 

Fear, Panic, Anxiety

 

 

Edited September 29, 2021 by getofflex

[benesh]

 

34 minutes ago, getofflex said:

Colonial is right, it is better to wait until you are stabilized before making any change to the med

 

Ok again. Hold. I feel dense after reading over this thread. I think my short term memory is non existent. 

4 hours ago, Colonial said:

 

You may wish to think about waiting until you are feeling better for 2-3  months before dropping again

I get panicked and can’t even find my own thread. Ok so once again it seems that that  is the place to start to refresh my memory. 
HOLD. 

AGAIN thank you both for responding.

Slow and steady before another change.

Benesh.

[benesh]

Is Less Better?

Wow what a strange week. Or is this another face  of WD?

Wanting to do less and less. In past pre WD, I had a schedule of sorts especially when I worked. I was big on crossing things off my to do list.As most of us might be.

Not no more. Meaning not really a to do list. Or work or much of anything.I had been making healthy meals but even that seems overwhelming? Really? Fortunately, I batch cook so foods to pull out of freezer.

It seems to hurt my brain to think? Last week I was able to go to the gym a few times, grocery shop, walk all on my own.

This week, I just want to sit and well do nothing. Trying to see this as part of  what my body requires for healing. Rationalization, perhaps?
Listened to some stuff on youtube from Claire Weekes.  Attempting to address this unrelenting anxiety. Then I do lots of other scrolling on SA. Sometimes it helps allot and sometimes not so much. I guess that is part of the challenge.

Trying to find what helps or doesn’t negatively impact too much.

So is it ok to take days off? I wish I could do it with more gentleness and self compassion. I guess that would be a goal.

Or should I push myself? I feel like I disappoint my husband and sister by giving in..or perhaps it is a cousin to giving up. 
 

Awww..then the issue of coffee. I continue to drink  about 2 small cups in the am. Even later in the day on occasion. It was the one ‘fun’ thing I would do with sister. Not sure if it makes a difference. I think I am afraid to cut it out for fear of caffeine withdrawal. Just another thing that WD is doing.

I am holding with meds. Of course. Wondering if I should add or increase any supplement? Yes taking magnesium but only

100mg daily in am.Yes taking  B-12 and D3.

And then there is the crying.None today so far. Feels a relief at times unless it becomes a crying jag.

I keep holding on to the idea that there really is healing to be had.

I know I am not saying anything new..more of the same fears, questions and wonderings. 
I look forward to the day when I can bring a story of success to this forum. ..until then I will pray and hopefully become less self consumed.

 

[Rosetta]

Hi, Benesh.  You asked me a question on Alan’s thread.  I’m answering you here so that our conversation is not on his thread.

 

How are you?  I see you were struggling with Lexapro and buproprion (Wellbutrin) interactions.  I hope that has been resolved.

 

You asked me how I tapered Zoloft.  I “tapered” Zoloft (Sertraline) the wrong way, of course.  I looked up how to taper on the Mayo Clinic website.  I followed a 6 or 8 or week taper from 150 mg to zero.  I don’t remember exactly, but I think I dropped from 150 to 125 to 100 to 75 to 50 to 25 to zero.  That would have taken 6 weeks.  I’m not sure, but that doesn’t matter because it was about 5-10 years too short.  
It will have been 5 years next February, and a lot of unnecessary suffering.

 

Now, after all this time, there are still many health websites with the names of well-known and respected institutions that have incorrect information on them about tapering ADs.  Harvard Health Publishing from Harvard Medical School indicates that Lexapro 20 mg should be reduced to 15 mg at the first reduction.  That is a 25% reduction, and SA would never recommend that for anyone, but some people can get away with it until the next reduction or the next.  That website also recommends skipping doses or alternating 40 mg one day with 20 mg the next day.  To me, it’s shocking, but it’s no wonder that doctors are telling their patients the wrong information.

 

I hope you have an easier taper from here on out.

 

Rosetta

[benesh]

Hello @Go2zero,

I have wanted to write you but not sure whether to do so on my thread or send you a message.

I am not sure of many things these days and trying to figure things out is more than I seem able to do.

The past few months (since September)have been a wave. Up until a few weeks ago, I pushed myself to do activities that I thought would be helpful. Walk, go to gym, mindfulness, go to church and complete household chores. 
About three weeks ago, I got off the routine. Now wanting to sit and stare. I do force myself to do some self care and meal  preparation but mostly crying jags or anxiety otherwise. My sister keeps saying it is what I tell myself. I should grab my negative thoughts and focus on truth. They come unbidden and very quickly. 

Being around others is particularly painful since holding a conversation seems near impossible. No thoughts most of the time. I feel like a zombie and empty shell. 
I am not making any changes to meds. For some reason, I am thinking I need to get a knowledgeable psychiatrist on the team. I am interviewing 2 today who say they have specialized in tapering.

Does it make a difference what I do?  
I am not even sure what I am asking for. Is it ok if I check out of pushing myself. Is it a way to reduce the stress on my CNS?

Am I making things worse by isolating? Or reducing stress this way? Everything overwhelms me. 
Any input appreciated.

 Benesh

[Go2zero]

Hi Benesh,

 

So sorry to read how you are suffering and doing your best to go on. 

 

I do not have THE answers to your questions, but I will try to give some of my ideas and experiences.

 

First, and maybe most important: Be loving to yourself and accept that this is now the situation where you are in. I know from experience that is can be very frustrating when one is on hold and waves are coming again. I am in a similar situation right now. So I know what you are talking about.

 

My advice is to keep doing things (you used to like) even if you do not want it right now. But do it on a somewhat lower level. So that it does not take too much energy. Again, be kind and forgiving to yourself.

 

How were you doing on the 8,6mg? If that was better, you might go back to 8,5 or 8,6mg. That won't hurt. Maybe it helps, maybe not. But it can be worthwhile trying.

 

Some people isolate themselves when they feel bad. Personally I do not like to do that, but for others it may work. I think that being with others now and then is very good to do. Be with people who know about your situation, or otherwise be open about it. Lots of people will be happy with your honesty and openness. Some may not be able to deal with it maybe. Concentrate fully on the first group.

 

Let me know if you have other questions.

 

Love, Go2zero

[benesh]

@Go2zero

Oh how appreciative I am of your counsel. I heard your words as I wrestled with staying home and your voice won out. 
I am a relational person so having your input helped influence my choices today. I did not push myself, still felt all sorts of weird anxiety surges but better to do that out of the house where I can at least smile at others.

I will keep you posted as things unfold. I may increase the does of the lexapro as you mentioned. Imwill mot ..let me repeat that ..I will not taper until I have a long  window.

I marvel that even when you are in a wave, as you described, you can write to others. Kudos to you. May many blessings come your way as you give so freely of yourself.

with gratitude 

[benesh]

@Happy2Heal

 Hello Happy2heal,

just read one of your posts. Thanks for your what you wrote. In a long wave, needing some hope. I listen to my mind saying you started this too late. How can you expect to heal after 30 years. Then I see your experience and remind myself keep taking the next step. Wait for the next window. 
Wanted to tell you your words eased my relentless mind.
 

June of 2105, tapered again too rapidly to 2.5mgs by Dec 2015. Found SA, held at 2.5 mgs til May 2016 when I foolishly "jumped off". Crashed in Sept, reinstated at 0.3mgs in Oct. 2106

Tapered off to zero by  Oct. 2017 Doing very well

Nov. 2018 feel 95% healed, current age 63 

Jan. 2020 feel 100% healed, peaceful and content 

Aug 2021, loving life

 

[Happy2Heal]

7 hours ago, benesh said:

just read one of your posts. Thanks for your what you wrote. In a long wave, needing some hope. I listen to my mind saying you started this too late. How can you expect to heal after 30 years. Then I see your experience and remind myself keep taking the next step. Wait for the next window. 
Wanted to tell you your words eased my relentless mind.

I am glad that my post helped you feel better.

Go2zero gave you some good advice, although personally, having gone up and down in my dose and later regretting that, I would say hold steady if you can. But if you feel things are intolerable  perhaps a tiny tiny updose would help, I don't know.

 

 

your mind will be telling you all sorts of unpleasant things during WD recovery, don't listen to it. Remind yourself that it's the withdrawal causing that sort of thinking, and that it means you ARE healing.

All of the symptoms are signs of the work your brain is doing to get back to the way it was before the drugs.

 

there will be times when you need to rest and be alone, and other times when company can be a welcome distraction. Go with what seems to help.

Be careful about doing too much, that can make symptoms ramp up. It's a balancing act but if you pay close attention you will figure out what is most helpful for you

 

the healing can not be rushed, but as far as I've seen, it does happen, every single time.

You will heal even if happen to over do it sometimes, this will not delay your healing, not as far as I can tell at east.  You  may just maybe feel worse than you would have if you'd been more careful about exerting yourself but it will not postpone the inevitable, which is that our brains, our entire bodies, are self healing "machines" (bad word but can't think of a better one at the moment :P) 

 

Your mind will continue to play tricks on you and you will continue to have some distressing thoughts from time to time but just remind yourself that those thoughts are just random side effects of the healing process

 

don't give them any credence, try to ignore them as much as you can.

 

come here for re assurance and comfort

 

You're doing GREAT!! you'll well on your way and you will be healed before you know it.

 

 

[benesh]

@Kiasofia

@Colonial

@Go2zero

One practical question and then THE question.

Not sure what the protocol is for writing a post. Am I supposed to just write on my thread hoping I get a response? Does a specific moderator get assigned? Or am I to send as I just did to different folks?

Probably there is a correct way but not sure where to find it.

Lost and insecure on steroids these days. Arghhhhh. Not really steroids BUT all seems magnified.

Now for THE QUESTION.I met with a psychiatrist from Free Range.She herself had tapered from medication. She had some vitamin and supplement recommendations.

The one I ordered but have yet to take is ‘ashwagandha 470mg’ from GNC. I have read on SA to be very cautious about this. So before I pop a pill I figured, I should write again. Still in a rough spot. I hardly recognize who I am. Continue to be weepy and homebound unless sis or hubby take me somewhere. I can walk alone and sometimes go to grocery store. But otherwise nadda. 
I refuse to give up hope but rather hard as many know.

Thanks again. 

[ChessieCat]

SA is staffed by a small number of unpaid, unrostered peers who respond to members as they can.  Staff are also going through various stages of tapering/withdrawal/recovery.

 

Your Introduction topic is the best place to ask questions specific to your own situation and where you can journal your progress.  This keeps your history in one place and means that you do not have to repeat your story.  Staff regularly check for new posts made by members in the Introductions forum.

 

20 minutes ago, benesh said:

Lost and insecure on steroids these days. Arghhhhh. Not really steroids BUT all seems magnified.

 

SA cannot provide any assistance with this.  SA is a site for getting off psychiatric drugs safely and withdrawal support.  I suggest that you look elsewhere online for steroid support sites/forums/groups.

 

22 minutes ago, benesh said:

The one I ordered but have yet to take is ‘ashwagandha 470mg’ from GNC. I have read on SA to be very cautious about this.

 

This, too, is something that SA is not able to assist with other than the following:

 

the-rule-of-3kis-keep-it-simple-keep-it-slow-keep-it-stable

 

ashwagandha-herb-for-anxiety-stress-and-toxic-overload

 

[benesh]

@CheshireCat

Oh not on steroids at all….just everything seems larger than life. 🥺🥰 

I will check out your posts. Sure appreciate your clarification on how SA works.

By the way Kudos to you on your progress and success.

excellent to hear. Hope abounds when another member of SA has a success of ‘off the drug’.

[benesh]

@getofflex

@CheshireCat

 

QUESTION ABOUT REINSTATEMENT OR  UPDOSE?

 

I keep waiting for some stabilization but if anything I seem worse. Chronic daily crying spells, intense SI ( no plan) but intrusive doom and gloom thinking. Previous good for me steps have disappeared. Not going to gym, seldom walking unless someone goes with me. Almost homebound.

 

All to say since I did a dosage decrease in September with  notable unwelcome symptoms now unrelenting WD, how would I updose?  Perhaps to what I had been doing in August?

In one of the threads @getofflex  said to consider a small increase.

 

I know there is a tension between desperation and patience but I am scared by these growing dark thoughts. Sleep is ok. Still the morning cortisol surges. Less anxiety since starting ashwagandha on Dec. 2. 

What a nightmare this is. I feel so badly for my husband and sister. I know they want to help. I have no clue how to tell them how to help me.

 

So any ideas about updose at this time? My writing skills are so limited since my brain is so uncooperative.

😩

 

Edited December 6, 2021 by ChessieCat
added spacing

[ChessieCat]

1 hour ago, benesh said:

All to say since I did a dosage decrease in September with  notable unwelcome symptoms now unrelenting WD, how would I updose?  Perhaps to what I had been doing in August?

 

No, you would NOT return to your previous dose.  You made a reduction on 13 September.  It is now 2.5 months since that reduction.  During that time you brain will have made some adaptation to the lower dose.

 

Please note that the decision about whether to updose is up to you.  We cannot make that decision for you.

 

If you do decide to updose it would be best to only updose a tiny amount.  You went from 8.6mg and are now at 8.4mg.  You might try a 0.025mg or 0.05mg increase so taking 8.425mg or 8.45mg.

 

It takes about 4 days for a dose to get to full level in the blood and a bit longer for it to register in the brain.  Unless your symptoms get worse, you would stay on the chosen dose for 1 week and then reassess.  If the symptoms have eased then you wait another week (total of 2 weeks).  If the symptoms have NOT eased (and not worsened) you could try increasing by 0.025mg.

 

It is better to increase by small amounts gradually than to risk taking too much.

 

Please carefully read Post #1 of this topic much of which related to updosing:

 

About reinstating and stabilizing to reduce withdrawal symptoms

 

Please do not tag me for any reason.  I am an unrostered, unpaid volunteer and I assist members as and when I can.  Thank you.

[getofflex]

Benesh, I'm very sorry you are going through this.  What non drug strategies are you using to try and deal with the depression and the SI?  A therapist can help you with gloom and doom thinking, especially one trained in cognitive behavior therapy.  Would you consider doing this?  

[benesh]

@getofflex

Thank you for responding.

 

Yes I have begun to look for a therapist. I can hardly generate thoughts🤦🏻‍♀️

 

I think one issue is I have been trained in CBT, ACT etc.  It is nearly impossible to believe I was a therapist for 30 plus years working with people with chronic pain. I know about cognitive distortions and yet unable to apply them now.Perhaps I am making excuses. 
I meet monthly with a faith based coach  who has tapered himself. We discuss strategies for tapering including positivity, feeding on TRUTH, exercise., breathing, listening to music.   Practical ideas not specifics about amounts to taper.

 

My sister found a tapering friendly psychiatrist(on line) who I met with once. She herself tapered.

 

I do not know how to explain this recent development. I am ‘not home’. No thoughts other than intrusive images of wanting to ‘ go home’.

 

I listened to a nurse on youtube who just recently disclosed her struggle with tapering. She spoke intelligently about feeling as if she has TBI.

 

Wish I could say more. The lethargy and tearfulness seem all consuming.

I guess it is about surrendering, accepting, and waiting.

I will continue to look for a therapist.

 

Needing hope. Again your response gives me something to pursue.

benesh.

 

[getofflex]

19 hours ago, benesh said:

Yes I have begun to look for a therapist. I can hardly generate thoughts🤦🏻‍♀️

Just please be aware that few therapists are aware of the challenges of withdrawal from psychiatric drugs. If it were me, I would not let anyone put me back on psych meds, or send me to a psychiatrist, who would do this.  I wouldn't want to end up back on the drug merry go round.  Also, be careful what you say to them - if you admit suicidal thoughts, or homicidal thoughts, you can be forced into a psychiatric ward, and drugged against your will.  Another thought would be to buy a book on CBT.  There is a good one called "The Feeling Good Handbook" by David D Burns MD. ( I have this myself, but have been remiss about using it.  😐) 

 

Part of your depression could be caused by the very low light at this time of year in the northern hemisphere.  Have you tried a light box, and taking a walk outside each day, if you are able?  Physical exercise releases endorphins, which boost our mood.  

 

Light Box Therapy for Depression

Edited December 7, 2021 by getofflex

[getofflex]

... also try listening to this: 

 

Audio Tracks for Depression and Anxiety

 

[benesh]

On 12/7/2021 at 12:14 PM, getofflex said:

please be aware that few therapists are aware of the challenges of withdrawal from psychiatric drugs. If it were me, I would not let anyone put me back on psych meds, or send me to a psychiatrist

I met with a psychiatrist who is well versed in tapering. She did a taper herself. Her go to seems to be adding supplements to the mix for now. However the distress of symptoms is at an all time high. Terrified to leave the house most of the time. No longer grocery shopping unless with husband. Not attending church. Either emotionally numb or weeping. It has been 2 1/2 years and I dont know how much longer I can endure. The dark thoughts of death are so intense at times. NEVER have I been suicidal before this ordeal.I keep telling myself this too shall pass. When I wake up each day with the same anguish I get so scared.

I was doing daily routines of breathing and such but now I think why bother..if time is the healer than I will just have to wait for time to pass. I am not a writer at all so trying to communicate is so exhausting. I did read from an article that was sent out about introducing generic lamictal to help stabilize the CNS. At this point I would try anything.

Aware of thoughts reminding me I began taking these poisons in my 30’s and now I am in my 60’s. Do I have enought time to really recover? I am angry but muted because of the w/d effects. 
I am getting so good at complaining all the time. Self consumption is so toxic. 

[getofflex]

22 minutes ago, benesh said:

I did read from an article that was sent out about introducing generic lamictal to help stabilize the CNS

I would be very suspect of any article that claims a chemical drug can stabilize the CNS. If it were me, I would not resort back to drugs out of desperation, you will just end up back on the merry go round of drugs.  

 

Yes, you can overcome this even at 60.  I'm 60 myself, and am very close to being off Lexapro.  And yes, I have some issues with depression, but I'm finding non drug ways to deal with them.  

 

Instead of a psychiatrist, who is mainly interested in prescribing drugs or supplements, why not find someone to talk to?  In the past when I have been depressed, talking to the right person has done wonders for me.  You could talk to your someone at your church?  Also, getting outside and walking every day can really help with depression. Getting the extra light outside and the exercise are both natural remedies for depression.  I walk even when it is in the 20's, I bundle up a lot and wear layers.  This is a very tough time of year for many with depression, because of the short, dark, cold days and nights.  

 

Neuro Emotions

Edited January 3, 2022 by getofflex

[Believer]

1 hour ago, benesh said:

However the distress of symptoms is at an all time high. Terrified to leave the house most of the time. No longer grocery shopping unless with husband. Not attending church. Either emotionally numb or weeping. It has been 2 1/2 years and I dont know how much longer I can endure. The dark thoughts of death are so intense at times. NEVER have I been suicidal before this ordeal.I keep telling myself this too shall pass. When I wake up each day with the same anguish I get so scared.

I was doing daily routines of breathing and such but now I think why bother..if time is the healer than I will just have to wait for time to pass.

Hi @Benesh,

I can relate. I have been having similar struggles and at times feel like nothing is improving. I began a journal to record my windows, or “dirty windows” (I think I saw Rosetta write this somewhere and thought it was a spot on description for me these days). I have written in it once the past week.  I haven’t really had a window in over a year, at one time they were pretty regular for me based on my cuts. But, once is better than nothing. I don’t have SI, but I do often think, I can’t do this anymore, I am so tired off this, etc. I know, not helpful, when I have these thoughts, I counter them with a positive thought. Hopefully one day it will stick!
 

I have cried more the past couple of months than  I have in years.

 

I have been speaking with a counselor this entire journey (almost 6 years). She had an adverse reaction to an AD so she is somewhat understanding of what I am going through. She is also a Christian and continues to point me to God. This is good.

 

For many months I have been waking exactly as you describe. I sometimes get a bit of relief after 3:00PM. Not a window per se, but a lessoning of anxiety and depression. 
 

Unfortunately, I don’t have a lot of suggestions except try and get back to what you were doing before, walking, church, breathing, etc., those are positives. Even if you start with baby steps. One thing at a time. I get the whole social thing, I too am social, but right now find it often too stimulating, and participating in small talk is difficult. 
 

So, all this to say…. Keep going. Give yourself some grace and don’t be hard yourself because you’re not where you used to be, or want to be.

 

Breath.

 

Hugs,

Believer

[Happy2Heal]

1 hour ago, benesh said:

Aware of thoughts reminding me I began taking these poisons in my 30’s and now I am in my 60’s. Do I have enought time to really recover? I am angry but muted because of the w/d effects. 

for what it's worth, I am going to be 66 soon and I was on pretty much every category of psych med in many combos from the age of 18 til I finally got off the lexapro in 2017 so that's 43 years I believe, of polydrugging.

 

I have felt mostly healed and have been completely enjoying my new found life without drugs. 
Even though I believed I was fully healed at least 2 yrs ago and 95% or more healed even before that, I am finding that much to my surprise, my life is continually getting better. I can see, only in retrospect, that I've probably been dealing with incredibly mild WD recovery symptoms, and when they are gone, I am feeling clearer, more whole, more my "real" self.

 

I'm just trying to give you some hope. I know it's different for everyone but I figure if I can make it back to a good life at my age and with my long history of being overly medicated, you probably have a very good chance for the same.

 

also for what's it worth, I did use a very very tiny dose of lamictal during withdrawal.

When I had the dark horrible thoughts of death and could not block them out,  I went to the ER and was able to convince the shrink on call to Rx me a small dose of zyprexa because this had helped me in the past when going thru withdrawal from other meds.

The first dose seemed to help, the rest went paradoxical (they made things worse) so of course I stopped

 

after that I convinced a dr to RX a tiny dose of lamictal, something like 2mgs? I forget now, it was a pediatric dose and they scoffed at me but I wanted to try it.

I did take it for awhile, I can't recall how long and it seemed to help me sleep a bit better, but honestly the effect was so minor, I wondered if it had been worth it.

I started getting headaches and decided to taper off it (did that pretty fast without any adverse effects)

For me it was worth the risk to try these 2 drugs during WD because I had such severe SI, like nothing I'd ever had before and I did not want to risk dying.

I would not have tried them if I hadn't felt like I was on the edge

I should note that I'd been on large doses of lamictal in the past (as well as depakote and other similar drugs) and so it was less likely that I'd have a bad reaction.

But it was still a big risk to add a drug when I wanted to be off all drugs.

 

I didn't take the decision lightly and you shouldn't either (and it appears that you are not taking it lightly, which is good) 

If I had never taken it before, I never would have requested it. If you've never had it before, you might be wise to not risk it now.

 

but of course all of this is entirely up to you

 

I just wanted to chime and let you know that there is lots more life left for those of us over  55 and I am now living THE VERY BEST YEARS of my entire life.

it was well worth it to get off those drugs for me

 

I hope you find it to be the same!

 

[Greatful]

@benesh

My heart goes out to you Benesh. ❤️  When I see the pain you are in it hits close to home.

 Rest assured you are not alone with any of these WD symptoms. We all want to feel normal or at least function again.  This is so hard at times and you feel so alone at times but know that you are not alone and that others are walking the same journey as you trying to heal/understand what happened to us.  Some are ahead of us some are behind us, tons of us in the middle.

  Please also know that I too have feeling of I am failing at this," look at other people that can do so much more then me and seem to have such a positive our look all the time, ride the waves with acceptance . Try not  to compare yourself others as a pass/fail .   I am sure if you ask anyone on here they will say they have very hard times also.  Fear, anxiety, panic, depression, hopelessness, terror, fear, distorted thoughts, D/R D/P insomnia, all sorts of physical pains the list is never ending.......

  I have early morning anxiety, panic and sometimes terror from my distorted thoughts.   Some times I will have some D/R and brain almost feeling like I am going lose touch with realty. 

Sounds like you have had a lot of training and struggle with applying those learned skills when in a bad wave.  I find when my brain is not working anywhere near normal things go out the window for me too. 

 

We also hit walls/get tired of trying to fight on. Try to take just take on today only, that is all we have, any of us, heathy or not healthy.   Let the time and days pass knowing it is pulling you in to the future with each passing day.  I know easier said then done most of the time.🥴   I have to write and share  these things once in awhile to remind me  I say to practice what you preach 🙃

 

You also sound like you put a lot of pressure on what you think you should be doing to feel like you are accomplishing something/or having to do things to feel like a productive person. (me too) That alone will add a lot of stress on yourself.   Take each day and do what you want or what feels right for that day.  You are being productive in just healing.  You get to decided what productive means to you....  I think we have a tendency to put to much pressure on ourselves to do more, be more.   The biggest thing is to be kind to yourself,  learn to love yourself and remind yourself you are doing the best that you can in this horrible situation. You may have to learn to put up boundaries on what you are asked to do/ what will cause more stress on you. 

My hubby has been cleaning up the kitchen and doing some cooking some house cleaning.  I had a lot of stress from Nov through now.  My wave was so bad I could hardly get off the couch many days...

 

I intend to hibernate most of the winter and take care of myself.  Listen to yourself in a positive way.  If I can't go out today/talk to anyone/ or what ever expectation I usually  would put on myself that's okay. I am healing, my body is working and using up energy to heal right now.  From what I read in a earlier part of your thread, when you were feeling better you did  go out and do things.  Which means that you will again when you can, it's in your nature.  

You can pick something small everyday to do, even if it is mediation everyday, 10minute walk, take a shower.  sometimes I will go for a ride to a store with my hubby and if I can't go in, I sit in the car, but I know that I got out of the house for a little bit. Drive to get lunch and bring it home if you can't go in. Sometimes we will drive to some place farther away to get in a longer drive. lol

 

Again my heart goes out to you.

Keep posting and reaching out for help and encouragement.❤️

I have been on drugs for over 20 years also.  Let's fight on to see who we really are when we are drug free.........

 

 

 

 

Edited January 4, 2022 by Greatful

[Greatful]

@benesh

How are you doing? 

 

 I'm also hoping to be able to get off these drugs.  I will be turning 59 this coming May and feel panicked wondering how long will this take, how many years will I have to enjoy my life after this nightmare is over.  Happy2heal and Getoflex can give us some encouragement in that department.  Happy2heal 43 years poly drugged, wow, that sure is a testament that our brains are great at healing.

If they can so it and stay the course, so can you and I.

 

 

[benesh]

I want to respond to all who have written to me but seem clueless on how to do the quote thing. I will try for a bit.

[benesh]

On 1/3/2022 at 5:30 PM, getofflex said:

Yes, you can overcome this even at 60.  I'm 60 myself, and am very close to being off Lexapro.  And yes, I have some issues with depression, but I'm finding non drug ways to deal with them.  

 

yeah!!!!I figured it out how to do the quote thing. i think. 

Dear @getofflex your words of encouragement went right to my heart. in some ways it does not matter when i am free of these drugs. Jesus will not ask if i was free of drugs but if I trusted Him. I am getting outside regularly as you said. Looking for a therapist. God is showing me many non drug ways to handle this distress. so KNOW your words have taken root and are growing. much appreciation for you.

[benesh]

7 hours ago, Greatful said:

 

 I'm also hoping to be able to get off these drugs.  I will be turning 59 this coming May and feel panicked wondering how long will this take, how many years will I have to enjoy my life after this nightmare is over.  Happy2heal and Getoflex can give us some encouragement in that department.  Happy2heal 43 years poly drugged, wow, that sure is a testament that our brains are great at healing.

If they can so it and stay the course, so can you and I.

Awwww thanks for checking in. My new thing is to work on developing ways to persevere with hope. I have had 4 days of sweet relief. It seems when I feed more on hope in God, the pressure of being drug free lessens. I am highlighting doing things that grow my hope and faith. Not sure what your faith background is or if it is kosher to even bring this up on SA, but for me without my faith in God..well I would be so very lost.I agree with you, that looking to those who are further along is a vital thing to do. I stand with you knowing we will overcome.

If you want any spiritual/biblically oriented resources I will send your way. I like how you write. I am a sad hunt and peck gal and words and typing are very arduous.My new mottos are baby steps..do the next thing.. easy does it. My prayer for this year is to have more joy, peace, love and to knowGods presence. tis all for now.

[Believer]

Hi Benesh,

I am responding to your update on Alan’s page. I am so happy that you are experiencing some relief from these dreadful symptoms!

 

I am curious, how long have you been taking B-12? I bought some, but have been reluctant to try it as they can be stimulating. Thought I would give a small dose a try after things settle down for me.

 

Thanks for sharing your updates, it gives all of us hope.

 

Believer

[benesh]

@Believer,

I have been eating whole food plant based and so I have been taking b12. I recently  started working with a psychiatrist who is well versed in tapering. She said I needed to increase the b 12 amount after taking a blood test. Additionally she said there is b12 that absorbs better so she said to get b12 that is methyl. 
I feel fine after taking it daily. Hope that answers your question.😍

[ChessieCat]

3 minutes ago, benesh said:

Additionally she said there is b12 that absorbs better so she said to get b12 that is methyl. 

 

I use the Methyl B12 sublingual (under the tongue).

[benesh]

Question of the day. Hallelujah a bit more stability. 
Tis so very wonderful.

SO the big question is what do you all think about making my own liquid instead of using the compound pharmacist?

It is getting rather expensive as most of you know. All is out of pocket. 
There is a YouTube about this very thing. 
Thanks for your input🥰👍

[getofflex]

Yes, you can make your own liquid, but please follow the methods on this site.  We don't know which methods on YouTube are correct.  Anyone can put anything on YouTube.  Here is the link that explains how:  

 

Lexapro - Tapering, Dosing, Making Liquid

 

 

[Greatful]

@benesh Sounds like you are feeling a little better....That is great to hear.

This is a long roller-coaster journey.

Are you still on bupropion?  That Wellbutrin right?  Not sure if this is important for you.

Have you ever checked the drug interaction between them?  

Here is a link https://www.drugs.com/interactions-check.php?drug_list=1013-565,440-0

 

I had my doctor switch my prescription to liquid from the tablet.......You should be able to get it in Pennsylvania.  So much easier to get a accurate dose...

On 1/8/2022 at 4:55 PM, benesh said:

Not sure what your faith background is or if it is kosher to even bring this up on SA, but for me without my faith in God.. well I would be so very lost.

I do have a strong faith. God is who is seeing me through this trial in my life.  

 

Hang in there. ❤️

   

[benesh]

Hello again,

I had a lovely window for almost a month. No med changes but  deeply desired healing and then wham.

When I am feeling better, I reach out and make plans. Then much to my surprise the uptick of unwanted and at times debilitating symptoms. Last few days relentless thoughts of suicide. No plan etc…Can hardly bring myself to address the plans made but I cannot imagine following through with seeing others.

And yes I have even thought of getting put back on meds.  I know I am not thinking clearly at all.

I still go out to walk but not on my own.  
The only reprieve right now is sitting still in my house. 
How long can one do this? It is only 2 and 1/2 years but feels interminable. 
Funny when I had the amazing window, it was hard to imagine the despair and painful intrusive thoughts. Now of course, this is all I can imagine.

I marvel at others resilience and stick-to -itiveness.

 The unfortunate..this may work for others but…..

Even my robust faith in God is thin. I still believe but no energy to read much or pursue Him.

I sit and talk quietly with Him.
Waiting for another reprieve.

Benesh