success siderale: escitalopram healed me, and I'm trying to live without it again: overcoming withdrawal symptoms

[siderale]

A short update: the anhedonia was less strong today. I didn't feel good, barely even "meh", but it's better than "despaired" of course.

 

My appetite is still "missing in action" but I believe this will be the last thing to steadily come back. I have had troublme breathing today, no shortness of breath but like, when I inhale properly I immediately cough. Could be my allergies, I didn't take my antihistaminics today because it was rainy. Unsure it's allergies then, could be stress, but at least I don't immediately think "omg I have some illness/heart attack". My heartbeat's faster than usual, but I feel in control & not panicked.

 

I still feel profoundly unlike myself, my emotions dampened, unable to feel joy or be excited for anything. I focus on the small things: a warm shower, the smell of wet pavement outside, my old cat purring (she's 17!).

 

On the "brighter" side: I think my weight has stabilised: I haven't lost any supplemental weight. I'm still too underweight and unable to enjoy food/have nausea, but I try to remain consistent in food intakes + the food supplements probably help.

[getofflex]

22 minutes ago, siderale said:

I still feel profoundly unlike myself, my emotions dampened, unable to feel joy or be excited for anything

This sounds distressing, but rest assured, that eventually you will feel like yourself again.  The hardest thing about this process of recovering from psych meds is the sheer amount of time it takes for our brains to heal.  Altostrata, the founder and owner of this forum, says that when our emotions return, the unpleasant ones come back first, but eventually the pleasant happy emotions come back, too.  This was true for me.  

 

I'm glad to hear the anhedonia is milder today.  I have a feeling you will feel better once your thesis deadline is past.  

Edited June 4, 2021 by getofflex

[siderale]

I hope I will magically feel better after my thesis because it's kind of "last resort" to me right now.

Today is the worst in a while and yet I'm in a good environement, with my parents who are patient and understanding and make food, I sleep full & sound nights (which again is a miracle), I don't get it. I'm exhausted. I cried all morning long in front of my poor mom, because i'm so tired of being like this, of feeling unlike myself, not able to eat normally. My nausea is stronger than in the past days where it was already constant, even drinking a glass of water is too hard. I'm not taking prazepam because I'm so dizzy already. I went out to walk for 1 hour and came back feeling even worse.

 

If there is no improvement until june 15th I will ask to reinstate a small dose, to me this doesn't feel like withdrawal at all. It may be a show of weakness but no one has the same path. And it's not worth it for me to suffer that much, I know people on here are strong enough, but I just cannot push through anymore if I keep having days like this.

I know I tried and still try my best, and "wind can still change" in my favour (which of course I hope), but I can't help but think about the time I've lost, the thesis I lowkey sacrificed. I'm glad I had improvement in april after the first batch of tough withdrawal symptoms, but it's been one month I'm feeling bad without a window and some people may be able to do this, but I don't think I can anymore.

 

As a side note, I'm not at risk of suicide, never have been and never had such ideas; and so it's just not worth it if I remain in this state enough to permanently damage my psyche. Should I reinstate, I will later on taper off following the "schedule" and advice on this website.

[Willfinish]

I know. It takes lot of time, patience and strenght. I’m almost out after 2 years of hell. Take care 

[getofflex]

I know how hard it is to deal with so much discomfort for such a long time.  It is truly discouraging and disheartening.  It sounds like you have been in a wave for a while, and these long waves can really test the mettle of the strongest among us.  

8 hours ago, siderale said:

If there is no improvement until june 15th I will ask to reinstate a small dose, to me this doesn't feel like withdrawal at all.

OK, lets take it a day at a time, and see where you are by this time.  I'm very sorry things are so difficult right now.   I still suspect that after the thesis deadline, things may start to settle down for you.  For me, major stress usually puts me in a wave.   

[getofflex]

On 6/3/2021 at 4:52 PM, siderale said:

I think I have to allow myself to cry (I fear it because, I figure you are familiar - a crying bout leaves you exhausted) but maybe it would be good.

Yes, I would do that if I were you.  I had a crying spell last night myself.  It's exhausting, but it's also very purgative.  It cleanses the soul - at least for me it does. 

[siderale]

On 6/5/2021 at 9:28 PM, getofflex said:

OK, lets take it a day at a time, and see where you are by this time.  I'm very sorry things are so difficult right now.   I still suspect that after the thesis deadline, things may start to settle down for you.  For me, major stress usually puts me in a wave.   

This is what keeps me going, it makes a lot of sense that our extra-sensitive brains could make a mountain out of anything while we try to stabilise and recover.

I do know that crying is somehow therapeutic even if exhausting. I have to remember your words and allow myself to cry somtimes. It's tough because I live with my parents again and I know my state distresses my very empathetic mom a lot.

 

Yesterday was better (relief!), today is meh again albeit not as bad as some days were lately. I just feel so weird all over, not exactly brain fog but something like it. I can't wait to feel "alive" again. It's like experiencing joy is still a hassle.

 

I'll soon hand my thesis over, although I'm not satisfied with it I know I have done my absolute best in my state. Afterwards I'll have to wait for july to defend it which is yet another stress but by then I hope to be more stable. In 8 days, I have a zoom meeting with my psychiatrist. I'm both hopeful and afraid, I really hope to see improvement by then to be confident enough to continue pushing through this weird state if it's not gone. It is not unlikely that I talk about reinstatement, at least to talk to him about the 10% tapering method should I reinstate, he seems receptive so I think I could address this even if I don't reinstate at all/ don't reinstate so soon. I might ask for a prescription "in case" since I can almost never see or contact him, which is daunting to me. I will see, I will not take any decision lightly whatsoever, especially since I have been Escitalopram-free for almost 3 months already.

 

Having my thesis behind me will allow me to indulge in hobbies again. Weirdly enough, I feel like I will have to "push" myself to distract myself, because it's almost as if I don't want to have hobbies anymore (I don't want anything!! this is what distresses me!!). I'm also sad that the prospect of seeing friends makes me so anxious again as well, I really hope this wears off. Previously I was anxious upon meeting friends but felt good once I got there with them, now I feel bad /anxious/mentally absent all the time even when i'm with said friends. It's tough.

[Urchinowl]

1 hour ago, siderale said:

This is what keeps me going, it makes a lot of sense that our extra-sensitive brains could make a mountain out of anything while we try to stabilise and recover.

I do know that crying is somehow therapeutic even if exhausting. I have to remember your words and allow myself to cry somtimes. It's tough because I live with my parents again and I know my state distresses my very empathetic mom a lot.

 

Yesterday was better (relief!), today is meh again albeit not as bad as some days were lately. I just feel so weird all over, not exactly brain fog but something like it. I can't wait to feel "alive" again. It's like experiencing joy is still a hassle.

 

I'll soon hand my thesis over, although I'm not satisfied with it I know I have done my absolute best in my state. Afterwards I'll have to wait for july to defend it which is yet another stress but by then I hope to be more stable. In 8 days, I have a zoom meeting with my psychiatrist. I'm both hopeful and afraid, I really hope to see improvement by then to be confident enough to continue pushing through this weird state if it's not gone. It is not unlikely that I talk about reinstatement, at least to talk to him about the 10% tapering method should I reinstate, he seems receptive so I think I could address this even if I don't reinstate at all/ don't reinstate so soon. I might ask for a prescription "in case" since I can almost never see or contact him, which is daunting to me. I will see, I will not take any decision lightly whatsoever, especially since I have been Escitalopram-free for almost 3 months already.

 

Having my thesis behind me will allow me to indulge in hobbies again. Weirdly enough, I feel like I will have to "push" myself to distract myself, because it's almost as if I don't want to have hobbies anymore (I don't want anything!! this is what distresses me!!). I'm also sad that the prospect of seeing friends makes me so anxious again as well, I really hope this wears off. Previously I was anxious upon meeting friends but felt good once I got there with them, now I feel bad /anxious/mentally absent all the time even when i'm with said friends. It's tough.

Your experience, although it's a different medication (mine was sertraline) is extremely similar to mine. I'm going through the exact same things right now.

 

I've been off sertraline since March 2021. I first felt fine, just like you, and eventually anxiety and panic attacks creeped in. Like you, I have severe health anxiety since I was little. This went into full force about 1 month after stopping sertraljne. I'm talking panic attacks all day, dread in the mornings, legit thought I was going crazy.i had, and still don't have, any appetite what so ever for a month. However I am not underweight, but I have lost weight. I force myself to eat everyday. Sometimes it's easy and although not pleasurable, I can eat. Other days it's literally forcing myself. The days where I force myself, I found on a site that drinking can be easier then eating. So I'll try to get a smoothie, or eat high protein yogurt, bananas, rice, super simple things that have a lot of calories and nutrition. 

 

My anxiety has definitely lessened..but now I'm in the same state as you which is this apathetic state of numbness. No interest in hobbies. I exist and am on autopilot. 

 

I decided to reinstate zoloft about 6 days ago. Well see what happens. 

[Willfinish]

Hi how are you today ?

[siderale]

Hello @Urchinowl, I hope when you read this you are having a good day. From what you write, our experiences with the withdrawal syndrome definitely are similar, this is both reassuring to me (I believe that humans like to relate to each other!) and sad because of course I wouldn't wish these weird withdrawal symptoms to anyone.

The sentence you wrote in your introduction topic, saying that you want to feel normal again, whether it will be on or off meds, is my train of thought as well. I hope from the bottom of my heart that reinstating will help you feel better soon, and once you stabilise you will see if/how to taper off.

I also go for the liquid foods or soup solution ever since the loss of appetite and/or nausea thing started.

Mashed potatoes are also great in my opinion because you can really adapt them to how you feel: if your nausea is worsened by spices and strong tastes you can eat it super bland, and the other way round in the other case. Stuff that doesn't require you to chew helps a lot. Difficulty with something as "vital" as food intake truly is one of the worst things.

 

@Willfinish Hello! My daily update follows:

 

So, I have had two "okay" days in a row. The nausea was there both mornings but wore off after lunch. And today my appetite was almost back. I don't exactly "feel" joy yet, but it was such a relief to eat while wanting to eat. The anhedonia is less strong (I'm less despaired about it, it was really so bad a few days ago, now I just feel "meh"), but I swear, if I had no anhedonia I could have cried of relief just because I felt hungry during the afternoon lol. Withdrawal and/or stress (since I don't know what it is, might as well say both) really makes you appreciate the smallest mundane things.

 

I hope this relief lasts. It feels like I'm finally taking a breather after (during?!) this one month long... wave, if it was one. If it was, then its progression was unlike anything I've had but I'm glad to finally feel less terrible. Not quite normal yet but this improvement, after feeling so bad for so long, is very welcome, no matter how long it lasts. I cannot help but think "what if I feel bad tomorrow?" but if there is one thing I learnt it's that enjoying the present is the way to go. I'll keep this thread updated, as per usual.

 

I wish all of you, whether you're in a bad or good day, a wonderful day/evening.

[Urchinowl]

13 hours ago, siderale said:

Hello @Urchinowl, I hope when you read this you are having a good day. From what you write, our experiences with the withdrawal syndrome definitely are similar, this is both reassuring to me (I believe that humans like to relate to each other!) and sad because of course I wouldn't wish these weird withdrawal symptoms to anyone.

The sentence you wrote in your introduction topic, saying that you want to feel normal again, whether it will be on or off meds, is my train of thought as well. I hope from the bottom of my heart that reinstating will help you feel better soon, and once you stabilise you will see if/how to taper off.

I also go for the liquid foods or soup solution ever since the loss of appetite and/or nausea thing started.

Mashed potatoes are also great in my opinion because you can really adapt them to how you feel: if your nausea is worsened by spices and strong tastes you can eat it super bland, and the other way round in the other case. Stuff that doesn't require you to chew helps a lot. Difficulty with something as "vital" as food intake truly is one of the worst things.

 

@Willfinish Hello! My daily update follows:

 

So, I have had two "okay" days in a row. The nausea was there both mornings but wore off after lunch. And today my appetite was almost back. I don't exactly "feel" joy yet, but it was such a relief to eat while wanting to eat. The anhedonia is less strong (I'm less despaired about it, it was really so bad a few days ago, now I just feel "meh"), but I swear, if I had no anhedonia I could have cried of relief just because I felt hungry during the afternoon lol. Withdrawal and/or stress (since I don't know what it is, might as well say both) really makes you appreciate the smallest mundane things.

 

I hope this relief lasts. It feels like I'm finally taking a breather after (during?!) this one month long... wave, if it was one. If it was, then its progression was unlike anything I've had but I'm glad to finally feel less terrible. Not quite normal yet but this improvement, after feeling so bad for so long, is very welcome, no matter how long it lasts. I cannot help but think "what if I feel bad tomorrow?" but if there is one thing I learnt it's that enjoying the present is the way to go. I'll keep this thread updated, as per usual.

 

I wish all of you, whether you're in a bad or good day, a wonderful day/evening.

I have been feeling better since reinstatement. I too, has a very mild appetite yesterday and actually ate a hamburger which would have seemed impossible 1 month ago. I'm so glad to hear you got some relief, if only for an hour.

 

Again just like you Anhedonia very present for me as well. I haven't felt joy or happiness in at least a month. There's times I'm ok, peaceful, calm, content, but not joyous or happy. I feel very much on autopilot still. However there are brief, very brief, seconds of excitement which I look at as a window. Perhaps you can sense those sometimes too. Yesterday I got a very tiny wave of intrigue thinking about what to eat for lunch. The day before I actually felt inspired to color. It comes in waves.

[siderale]

7 hours ago, Urchinowl said:

actually ate a hamburger which would have seemed impossible 1 month ago

There are no "small" victories: I'm glad to hear this! 😊

I hope reinstatement will help things stabilise on your end, and help you tackle things with renewed energy. It's okay to take a few steps on hopefully steady ground again.

 

I handed back my thesis yesterday afternoon. Today was weird. Yesterday at night my intrusive thoughts on health anxiety came back, and they were circling in my head today too. I woke up super anxious and had a mild panic attack this morning, I cannot directly link it to said health anxiety but maybe it was unconscious. I did some gardening to try and change my mind (I was unable to eat due to nausea) but it got worse, so I took the other half of the prazepam I cut one week ago. Thorough the day my mood kept changing from anxious to scared to "normal", like my brain is randomly choosing each hour how do I feel. I feel unstable and unsteady, and I still dread the fact that i'm too anxious to see friends.

 

Much like you Urchinowl, I sometimes get a few minutes of "windows" lately. It's truly like a switch going off, I feel alright, hopeful, it doesn't last but it's enough to put a bit of balm on my heart.

[Urchinowl]

2 hours ago, siderale said:

Yesterday at night my intrusive thoughts on health anxiety came back, and they were circling in my head today too.

I feel you on this. I've had health anxiety since I was soo young. It's awful, because when you have health anxiety you get anxious and it causes more physical symptoms to ve anxious about. It's a viscous cycle. 

 

I have an app on my phone with guided meditations and coaching and it's tailored to anxiety. There's one specifically for health anxiety and I've found it extremely helpful (not during a panic attack but maybe before one). Acceptance is key with anxiety. "I accept these anxious feelings. I accept this physical sensation" and allow it to pass through you. 

 

Also it's the small changes you see like you said. Today I had a full blown appetite. It was amazing. I only slept 6 hours but it was a DEEP sleep compared to my usual 8 of tossing tossing night long. A small win in the past for me would be something like doing laundry. Or going for a 20 minute walk. 

 

Have you tried exercise? Even a simple walk was very soothing for me when I'm in the midst of high anxiety, released a lot of energy.

[siderale]

I woke up anxious today too but it's manageable. I feel like these past days eating is easier as well. I'm feeling a bit more like myself, even though the things I feel are all so weird and unstable.

 

... However there's a thing that bothers me. The anhedonia is one thing (and it's wearing off), but also I'm getting anxious at the prospect of seeing my friends and this feeling has been quite durable. And it wasn't there at the beginning of withdrawal, quite the opposite, I was actively seeking other people.

I now have free time since I handed back my thesis... and everything fills me with dread, as if I had social anxiety, and I never had any. I now have the opportunity to go for the first time to another country to see a dear friend, I had a voucher since march of 2020 (covid!) when I was SO excited at the prospect of going there, and I can finally use it now as the borders reopen ... but I literally am unable to reserve the flights.

It's 100% because lately I feel uneasy EVEN with friends, like even if I change my mind and keep myself busy there's something gnawing at the back of my mind, forbidding me to enjoy my time with them, being mentally absent and I dn't know what it is.

 

Because of this, I am more and more thinking about reinstating. It may seem paradoxal as the physical symptoms are getting better and better but I don't want to sabotage my mental health too long, develop new troubles. I of course will see in 5 days with my therapist. But for now, even though I basically sacrificed my semester to overcoming withdrawal -- and I'm proud of me -- I don't want to sacrifice more. I am sorry if this appears as a disappointment, and things can still change, but I believe in my case it's not worth it to try more.

 

10 hours ago, Urchinowl said:

Acceptance is key with anxiety. "I accept these anxious feelings. I accept this physical sensation" and allow it to pass through you. 

Definitely. One thing my psychiatrist told me, and that really completely changed my approach to anxiety, is that it's healthier to accept that we are anxious (and will always be more than some other people) but remember that it is irrational and temporary. Rationalising isn't the easiest thing in a full-blown panic attack of course, no matter the cause. But it still helps me to assess it like this, rather than try to suppress anxiety as a whole.

Also, going for a walk definitely helps me a lot. Well, it used to, not so much lately, but it's never a bad thing to do. It's the only exercise I do, I used to be a horse rider but it's so expensive I had to stop. I miss is every day!

 

[Johni]

 

Hello. I feel your situation. I would not call it social anxiety. I think it’s part of the emotional dampening. I’m at social events without seeing the underlying content so to speak. I'm leaving to go but it's like I'm not there either. somehow the spiritual presence is lacking. emotional content is missing. for example, I travel to August in Mexico for a vacation. honestly i can't imagine what i'm going to do there. Somehow I don’t see the good side of things. of course not the bad either. I hope I have been able to clearly describe what I wanted.

[Urchinowl]

2 hours ago, siderale said:

t's 100% because lately I feel uneasy EVEN with friends, like even if I change my mind and keep myself busy there's something gnawing at the back of my mind, forbidding me to enjoy my time with them, being mentally absent and I dn't know what it is.

I feel this 100 percent. I'm a very social person..well..was. and lately I feel like I want to be alone, because when I'm with others it's like I'm absent and extremely difficult to enjoy my time. It's like I kind of let go and maybe ...maybe...feel a spark of enjoyment and then my brain is like NO. And kills it. I believe it's me just being in my head instead of being out with others. I suspect it'll pass at some point.

 

Regarding reinstatement I'll let the mods help you with that... but I get the feeling of wanting to get back to "normal" so to speak. Even though I chose to reinstate, things are not yet normal for me. I almost wonder if reinstatement did anything, or if I just would've naturally gotten to the place I'm at now anyways. 

[siderale]

@Johni yes, you have been clear in your wording! I do share these feelings of being emotionally absent, not negative but not positive either. However the mere thought of it does make me super anxious, I don't know why - I mean my close friends all know that I am currently going through a rough patch I hope it clears off, for you as for me.

 

@Urchinowl you described my exact feelings better than I could!... I do hope it'll pass, for both of us! I have always been an introvert but clearly not "this much"!

 

As for reinstatement I'm still very unsure. I have a lot to address with my psychiatrist (since I still want to wait, maybe I'll have a prescription "in case" but not begin it immediately), and in 5 days lots can change in my emotional and physical state.

[siderale]

So, I handed back my thesis 4 days ago, and I can now relax for most of the summer but I still feel very off.

Good thing: no more "big" symptoms; intrusive thoughts are getting rarer, nausea is milder, my appetite is coming back slowly...

But I have anxiety outbursts every hour or so, not panic attacks but just a feeling of dread. And it feels like something deep in my gut is very off, like a puzzle piece missing. I'm still unable to enjoy my hobbies, I get some weird anxiety after a while, even if said hobby changes my mind - it's like even with my mind busy, something is just wrong somewhere. Meanwhile for the longest time, hobbies, friends, hiking... were a way to feel good and change my mind. Like, it's not debilitating, but I just cannot bear to feel unlike myself anymore.

 

I have mostly made up my mind and believe I will try reinstating Escitalopram if it remains like this until my psych appointment on the 15th of June (though I will of course address it with my psychiatrist - the one who encouraged me to push through withdrawal!). I am just wondering about the dose that should be better / the one I might be prescribed. I know it has a chance to "fail" working as well, which is what scares me.

 

I believe it's the right thing to do before all of this cause a relapse - I prefer "crossing out" the progress I made on withdrawal, rather than "crossing out" the progress of these past years of therapy and stability regarding OCD, because I very much feel like my current state could make it come back and that would be damaging for my psyche - much more than reinstating and, later on, taper off way more slowly following this forum's advices.

[Urchinowl]

2 hours ago, siderale said:

believe it's the right thing to do before all of this cause a relapse - I prefer "crossing out" the progress I made on withdrawal, rather than "crossing out" the progress of these past years of therapy and stability regarding OCD

I don't think you'd ever "cross out" all the the you've put in with therapy. You're on a journey and evaluating all your options. Reinstatement worked very well for me, but I reinstated after 2.5 months and my medication was different. However, FYI, I did the math..to come off my Reinstatement will take 2 years if I do thr 10 percent method. But I don't regret Reinstatement at all. Yesterday I had an amazing window and felt 100 percent back back my old self. I was at my Bachelorette party and with a group of people and felt amazing.

 

One thing I did read was to wait to make any choices like Reinstatement until you're in a window...not a wave. As we many times are not thinking clearly. 

 

You got this and you will get your "self" back as I did. I still had waves yesterday but they were brief.

[siderale]

2 hours ago, Urchinowl said:

One thing I did read was to wait to make any choices like Reinstatement until you're in a window...not a wave. As we many times are not thinking clearly. 

Definitely agree. Thing is, I don't consider myself in a wave... Not in a window either (or, well, not in a clear one). But I do think my wave has passed since I am now hungry again, don't get panic attacks, and anhedonia is less strong. I'm just... I feel like something is off, basically. Again, the tide can still change in my favour and I could get a clear window until my appointment in three days.

 

I'm super glad reinstatement is helping you. I hope you can tackle things with renewed energy, and will be able to taper off with more ease with the 10% method! Thank you for sharing.

 

I just hope (again, if I do reinstate) that my psychiatrist "agrees" with this plan and does prescribe me liquid escitalopram (called seroplex over here I reckon) when we decide to start tapering off, because cutting and weighting pills seems difficult!

[siderale]

I kept saying how despite all of this I still slept well... Last night I had my first "actual" insomnia in years I believe! I'm still lucky that it never happens, but wasn't able to fall asleep at all even though I was tired. Slept only from 6 to 10AM. Today I'm exhausted (I was already exhausted yesterday, and was hoping to feel better today..) and can't really pinpoint what is due to my mental state and what is due to insomnia.

 

Regarding stress symptoms, despite not feeling too anxious I have a lump in my throat since yesterday evening. Today I'm also sad, my old cat is getting very weak (and the weather doesn't help, it's horribly hot) and although I am "prepared" to see her go, it hurts as I'm 25 and she's 17 and I have always known her around. It surely doesn't help but, in any case, very slow day today. I sure hope to sleep better tonight.

Psych appointement in 48 hours from now.

 

EDIT: Should I reinstate, would this thread be closed and I would have to open a new one for when I start tapering off? I do plan to remain as active as I can on this forum!

[siderale]

I couldn't find an appropriate topic/thread but today is bad- but it's probably not withdrawal. In fact, I feel almost "normal" (despite having trouble falling asleep lately) and was able to eat. But I've been crying since this morning, because my old cat isn't doing so well. Bringing her to the vet tonight to get her checked, which is stressful.

But even if I was stable/still on medication I would be in this state of anguish: my cat is 17, I'm 25, I have known her most of my life and losing a pet isn't easy. Although I'm prepared to see her go, it still hurts.

[Urchinowl]

23 hours ago, siderale said:

kept saying how despite all of this I still slept well... Last night I had my first "actual" insomnia in years I believe!

This was the worst part of my withdrawal after the panic attacks subsided. I just would lay down and even when calm and relaxed I didn't feel tired. I didn't feel manic either. My body exhausted but the brain just thinking and thinking and thinking. 

 

I've found not putting too much pressure on myself to sleep helps. I would get anxiety about not sleeping and this led to..tada! Less sleeping.  Now I just tell myself that if I don't sleep, fine, I'll be ok, and I'm usually still just as productive but a bit foggy. 

 

Sorry to hear about your cat. It's healthy to have those emotions and the pain associated, it's the cost of love. The fact you can feel sadness or anger or love is so Beautiful as it shows you're no longer in a numbed state.

[siderale]

1 hour ago, Urchinowl said:

've found not putting too much pressure on myself to sleep helps. I would get anxiety about not sleeping and this led to..tada! Less sleeping.  Now I just tell myself that if I don't sleep, fine, I'll be ok, and I'm usually still just as productive but a bit foggy. 

Absolutely! It's like having performance anxiety, but just to fall asleep lol. Last night I tried not to focus on this "what if I can't sleep again?!" and it definitely helped.

 

 

57 minutes ago, Urchinowl said:

Sorry to hear about your cat. It's healthy to have those emotions and the pain associated, it's the cost of love. The fact you can feel sadness or anger or love is so Beautiful as it shows you're no longer in a numbed state.

I agree with this. Thankfully, the very intense "numb" state I had 10 days ago, when I couldn't feel anything nor really cry, was fairly short.

Fact is, when I was first put on escitalopram I discovered my full range of emotions: before antidepressants, I rarely cried out of emotion (I barely cried at all). I discovered how truly "beautiful" it felt to cry while listening to some beautiful music or reading a deeply moving story. So I am now glad to see that it's not completely gone either with withdrawal.

 

I love my cat so much, it might not be the end for her yet but summer season is tough on her. We will see at the vet tonight.

 

[getofflex]

4 hours ago, siderale said:

I love my cat so much, it might not be the end for her yet but summer season is tough on her. We will see at the vet tonight.

I can relate to the stress of having a sick cat.  I hope the vet can shed some light on it!  

 

On 6/13/2021 at 7:52 AM, siderale said:

Should I reinstate, would this thread be closed and I would have to open a new one for when I start tapering off?

No, we would stick to this same thread.  

[getofflex]

On 6/12/2021 at 4:45 AM, siderale said:

So, I handed back my thesis 4 days ago, and I can now relax for most of the summer but I still feel very off.

Good thing: no more "big" symptoms; intrusive thoughts are getting rarer, nausea is milder, my appetite is coming back slowly...

 

Yes, it is very normal to feel "off" for a long time during or after tapering psych meds.  It sounds like you are definitely improving.  If it were me, I would not reinstate.  Reinstatement is risky, and is used in extreme cases.  Reinstatement is not a magic cure it just (hopefully) reduces the severity of the symptoms.  Of course it is your decision.  Please carefully read this thread on it: 

 

About Reinstating and Stabilizing to Reduce Withdrawal Symptoms

 

 

[siderale]

Thank you @getofflex for your replies, as usual, I take note of everything. How are you doing ? I hope things are getting more stable for you.

 

I'm sorry if I'm too "verbose" and writing lots. I find so much relief confiding in this forum. I want to thank every single person, mods and members, who take time to share their experiences and reassurances with others.

 

I have read & read again the Reinstating thread these past weeks, because like you said it is not a mundane decision nor a magic cure. Plus, I do seem to notice slight improvement these past days. I know it's a big risk to take, and I am very (very) afraid of a possible adverse effect + the prospect of having to taper off again later.

I will discuss it in length tomorrow and I might eventually get a prescription, but in any case not begin it immediately (as it is very difficult for me to get in touch with my psychiatrist, it will be reassuring to me if I still have the option)... But this is all very stressful. I know there is no easy solution.

 

As for my cat, nothing miraculous to be done. I just hope she ends up eating again, if it gets bad or she gets too weak we won't let her suffer & will go back to the vet.

[siderale]

What hurts me lately is that although the symptoms are milder (and my appetite sometimes makes an appearance/nausea is way milder)... I do not seem to have good days/windows, I just feel bad, or "meh" to the best, while in the first months of withdrawal I alternated bad and good days. I was also finding comfort in going out and seeing friends whereas now it seems like even if I change my mind doing any kind of activity, social or not, something in my gut is just wrong, and I get this anxiety spike after a while + a gut feeling that something is wrong, even with friends that I love and trust. It's so tiring, to be a shadow of yourself.

[Greatful]

Hi  sidewall,  I have been following your thread.   I can relate to the social anxiety.   I don't even want to be around my children. They are adults.  It's  just me, my  husband and my dog at home. To much stimulation  makes my brain go crazy. We have a family  trip planned  this August, I am worried  I will not  be able to go.  Going to the  grocery store is to much. If I think  about it too much about it, I can get depressed  and that leads to hopelessness,  you know the downward spiral.  I  tell myself  that I need the least amount of simulation right now to heal my

 over  active central  nervous system.   We have to take care of ourselves  first.  I struggle with it every day.   I want my life back to.   

 This pain is very over whelping  at times.  Tell yourself  every day that goes by, the closer you are to being  healed.

Sometimes  it can feel pretty  lonely  on this  journey,  SA has shown us we are not alone.   We can reach out  and  get some encouragement from others on the same journey. 

Take care

Greatful

 

 

[Urchinowl]

1 hour ago, siderale said:

was also finding comfort in going out and seeing friends whereas now it seems like even if I change my mind doing any kind of activity, social or not, something in my gut is just wrong

It's a fine balance between pushing through the discomfort to be social, and also caring for yourself as you heal.

 

For me, being alone a lot more reinforces the obsessions with my symptoms/improvement. I ruminate and it makes it worse. However once I'm out of the house, I can be distracted and involved in the real world...even if I still feel weird and off. Then when I come home, I feel a sense of relief and actually proud of myself for being out of the house. 

 

It's a delicate balance. 

 

I would also challenge your thoughts about something "in my gut being wrong." As this sounds a bit like a neuroemotion. It's not based on reality. It's a weird sensation but rationalizing and self talk to tell yourself, "My brain thinks something is wrong, but my self tells me there is nothing wrong here. This is just an odd sensation. "

[siderale]

Hello @Greatful, I am both sad and reassured to see that being overwhelmed in any social situation is common in withdrawal.

You said : " I  tell myself  that I need the least amount of simulation right now to heal my over  active central  nervous system. ". I completely relate, that is also what I tell myself although it is a vicious circle !

You are right that every day is a step closer towards being healed, and you have already walked a long way from the start. I hope you also find comfort and support in this forum. I hope from the bottom of my heart that you will be able to push through and that you will be able to go and enjoy your family trip! ♥

 

@Urchinowl You are right. It is good advice to challenge ourselves, and it is one of the first things my psych (rightfully) said to me when he saw (and acknowledged!!) I was in withdrawal.

I managed it better in the first months of withdrawal but I ought to not lose this habit. It is true that we have so much more to win towards recovery, by pushing ourselves out of what we believe is our comfort zone. A delicate balance, for sure.  Thank you for the reminder as well: I have always been a rational person, and the past month exhausted my nerves so much that I lost a bit of my famous "fake it until you make it" behaviour that does help in moments like these.

 

Have a good day, both of you!

[siderale]

Just got my appointment with my psychiatrist, and I am not reinstating Escitalopram, nor do I have a prescription "in case" despite chat I planned to ask.

Actually, my psychiatrist told me in all honesty what this forum tells: it can take a lot of time to heal from withdrawal. And he didn't even give me a duration (which again is honest I believe given how random it can be). He told me it was "normal" (as in, not unusual) to feel unlike yourself for a while.

 

And it's tough, and it's daunting, but he encouraged me to continue to push through, so I will.

 

We may talk about reinstating in the case of little to no improvement in september, because I will have to tackle on my last masters' year with an energy I don't yet have back. But until then I hope to continue my path towards healing, no matter how difficult and slow that is.

[Jadenatalie]

57 minutes ago, siderale said:

Just got my appointment with my psychiatrist, and I am not reinstating Escitalopram, nor do I have a prescription "in case" despite chat I planned to ask.

Actually, my psychiatrist told me in all honesty what this forum tells: it can take a lot of time to heal from withdrawal. And he didn't even give me a duration (which again is honest I believe given how random it can be). He told me it was "normal" (as in, not unusual) to feel unlike yourself for a while.

 

And it's tough, and it's daunting, but he encouraged me to continue to push through, so I will.

 

We may talk about reinstating in the case of little to no improvement in september, because I will have to tackle on my last masters' year with an energy I don't yet have back. But until then I hope to continue my path towards healing, no matter how difficult and slow that is.

Hi Siderale, i'm glad to read that you have chosen not to re-instate just yet, i think thats really great news. I'm the same timeline as yourself and i'm the same, in a very bad wave at the moment, anxiety has ramped up massively too. Just holding out hope that it will pass, i've also been doing 'the anxious truth' by Drew Linasata, hes got a book, podcasts, FB group. It's very good for helping the anxiety definitely. But i do feel my withdrawal is very chemical at the moment, not sure about you x

[Greatful]

Hi, Sliderale.  You are an inspiration to me.  To have that carrot in front of your nose and you looked past it, even with the hard time you have been having.  It gives me some encouragement to keep moving ahead.  I am in a wave right now.  One day we will wake up and realize we are on the other side of this painful journey........

Have a good day/evening  

[siderale]

Thank you, @Greatful and @Jadenatalie ♥ To be fair- as soon as the call ended I was thinking "but what if in a few days it gets bad and I regret this?" but I know bad days are gonna happen, but they are gonna get rarer as well.

 

4 hours ago, Greatful said:

You are an inspiration to me.  To have that carrot in front of your nose and you looked past it, even with the hard time you have been having.  It gives me some encouragement to keep moving ahead. 

This is very moving for me to read. You are helping me think I made the right decision. I hope your journey towards recovery will be more and more smooth, and crossing fingers that you get a much deserved window soon. Take care, I send all the strength and healing I can from the other side of the ocean !

 

7 hours ago, Jadenatalie said:

But i do feel my withdrawal is very chemical at the moment, not sure about you x

I felt that mine was definitely chemical in the first months, mostly because the physical symptoms were so intense. Now, I feel more like my brain is somehow independent from the drug itself, but that it's still struggling to find its own cruising speed, if it makes sense. But it might still be chemical as well, medication really works like a crutch for your brain (be it a useful or pointless one) and that once the crutch is gone the brain loses its balance for a while. Best of luck, I hope things get easier for you soon ☀

[Jadenatalie]

14 hours ago, siderale said:

Thank you, @Greatful and @Jadenatalie ♥ To be fair- as soon as the call ended I was thinking "but what if in a few days it gets bad and I regret this?" but I know bad days are gonna happen, but they are gonna get rarer as well.

 

This is very moving for me to read. You are helping me think I made the right decision. I hope your journey towards recovery will be more and more smooth, and crossing fingers that you get a much deserved window soon. Take care, I send all the strength and healing I can from the other side of the ocean !

 

I felt that mine was definitely chemical in the first months, mostly because the physical symptoms were so intense. Now, I feel more like my brain is somehow independent from the drug itself, but that it's still struggling to find its own cruising speed, if it makes sense. But it might still be chemical as well, medication really works like a crutch for your brain (be it a useful or pointless one) and that once the crutch is gone the brain loses its balance for a while. Best of luck, I hope things get easier for you soon ☀

Yep i completely get that, its very very scary! we can do this, it will be hard, but it will be worth it! x