Shellbell: Struggling really bad

[Shellbell]

I’m really really struggling lately. Suffering akathesia. Depression. Suicidal thoughts. It’s overwhelming and horrific. It’s been 13 months since this started and it doesn’t seem to be improving. My mind just won’t shut off with the negative ruminating. I feel there isn’t any way out of this. And it kills me this is my life. Just needed a place to vent my thoughts. Thank you for listening 

Edited July 10, 2021 by Gridley

[Gridley]

Welcome to SA, Shellbell.  Thank you for completing your drug signature.  I'm sorry you're feeling so bad.

 

The symptoms you list in your post and drug signature are typical of psychiatric drug withdrawal.  The good news is that you will heal, but we can't give you a timeline of when this will happen.  Everyone is different.   

 

Several factors in your drug history, either individually but more likely in combination, come into play, including the adverse reaction to Cymbalta (the symptoms an adverse reaction are very similar to those of withdrawal), withdrawal from the Vicodin, the fast taper off Mirtazapine and likely benzo withdrawal as well.  The vast majority of doctors know nothing about withdrawal from psychiatric drugs, and don't believe it exists.  Our experience here with thousand of members has been the opposite.

 

So that you have a better idea of what you're experiencing, here is some information on withdrawal and the healing process.

Protracted Withdrawal or PAWS (post-acute withdrawal ...

What is withdrawal syndrome.

 

Daily Checklist of Antidepressant Withdrawal Symptoms (PDF) 

 

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

When we take psychiatric medications, the CNS (central nervous system) responds by making changes over the months and years we take the drug(s). When the medication is discontinued, the CNS has to undo all the changes it made. Rebuilding the neurotransmitter production and reactivating the receptor and transporter cells takes time -- during that rebuilding process symptoms occur.  

 

These explain the healing process really well.

 

Brain Remodelling 

 

Video:  Healing From Antidepressants - Patterns of Recovery

 

Insomnia is one of the most common withdrawal symptoms.  Here are some links to help you deal with it.

 

Tricks and tips to fall asleep faster

http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2017/02/16/tips-tricks-fall-asleep-faster.aspx?utm_source=dnl&utm_medium=email&utm_content=art1&utm_campaign=20170216Z1&et_cid=DM133787&et_rid=1889748952

 

This link contains helpful information, including insomnia and also non-drug coping skills.  

 

Important topics about symptoms, including sleep problems

 

Some members have found Melatonin helpful with insomnia.   

 

Melatonin for sleep  

 

 It's best to start at a very low dosage, such as .25mg, and gradually increase if needed to the lowest effective dose.  

 

Anxiety is another very common withdrawal symptom.  Here are some tips.

 

Audio:  How to Recover from Anxiety - Dr Claire Weekes
 

VIDEO:  Peace from Nervous Suffering - Claire Weekes (1 hour) (http://sendvid.com/vgquc1dg)
 

Anxiety Stuff - all kinds of stuff about anxiety attacks and things that help …

 

10 minute Restorative Yoga for Relaxation | Up the wall

 

I've found the last link about the restorative yoga pose to be very helpful with withdrawal anxiety.

 

Changing the channel is a helpful technique for dealing with ruminations.

 

"Change the channel" - dealing with cognitive symptoms ...

 

We don't recommend a lot of supplements on SA, as many members report being sensitive to them due to our over-reactive nervous systems, but two supplements that we do recommend are magnesium and omega 3 (fish oil). Many people find these to be calming to the nervous system. 

 

Magnesium, nature's calcium channel blocker 

 

Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil) 

 

Add in one at a time and at a low dose in case you do experience problems. Get supplements that are single ingredient (not mixed with other types of supplements).

 

This is your Introduction topic, where you can ask questions and connect with other members.  We're glad you found your way here.

 

 

 

 

Edited July 10, 2021 by Gridley

[Shellbell]

Thank you for replying. I could really use some support. Things have been extremely difficult. Not sure I’m going to make it much longer

[Shellbell]

@Gridley how can I get extra support here?

[Greatful]

@Shellbell  Hi,  I am sorry you are so much pain. Please take a deep breathe and tell yourself you can do this.  You are stronger than you think. You will make it‼️   You made it through yesterday, all you have to make it through today and worry about tomorrow , tomorrow‼️

 

There is a lot of information here on SA that will help you.  I know depression is a horrible symptom of WD.  I suffer from it too.     

Reach out here to other members.  Read some other members into's on the forums page.  There are a lot of new and older members all looking for support. Start a connection to a few.  

Always remember you are not alone!

Post as much as you need.  

The success stories are good for encouragement

I'm hear is you need to talk

[Shellbell]

@Greatful  thank you so much for reaching out. It means so much to me. I have spoken to a member here who has been supportive. It's just been excruciating this weekend and I honestly just don't know what to do anymore. The akathesia being the worst symptom. I can't handle it much longer to be hones. It is just too much for me....

 

thank you again. I truly appreciate it.

[Greatful]

@Shellbell Can you tell me a little bit about your akathesia?  

Do you have support with you now?  

 

[Shellbell]

@Greatful  my akathesia is severe inner doom. Inner agitation. Suicidal thoughts. Skin hot. Causes depression really bad. My mind is convinced I will never get better 

 

my husband is here. But he mostly gets annoyed and frustrated when I try to talk to him. I have two therapists I speak to weekly. Which helps a little. I try and go to work but sometimes I am unable. I just feel hopeless and desperate. I don’t see this getting any better

 

thanks for listening 

[Greatful]

@Shellbell  I wasn't sure if you had the akathesia that makes you want to move all the time.  I have times were I  feel very restless and tense, very tense.  My brain and body will feel very intense.  I feel like I need to run or bolt but at the same time I am so intense I feel so tight I can't move.  Is there anything that relieves the inter agitation.  Can you go out for a walk, even if it's just around the block?

13 months is a long time.  You are a strong woman to endure it that long.  Have you had any windows . Does the depression get lighter at different times of the day?  Are you getting sleep?  

Please hang in there

Keep talking it helps, let it out.  I'll listen.

 

Have you tried to meditate?  I know it as helped me.  Lay down on your bed or couch, put you hands on your stomach, close your eyes and breath, bring your mind to your breath and feel your stomach go up and down.(sometimes I say up down or in out) (just breathe like you normally do) Your thoughts will drift and that okay, gently bring your mind back to your breath. Try list for a few minutes, if you can you can do it longer. 

 

Oh,  Tell yourself your thoughts are just that thoughts.  They can't hurt you.  Don't fight the thought, let it be and move your mind to something else.  Look at something, a flower, picture anything to move your thoughts.  I have told myself that this is WD thoughts, not mine.

 

Have you looked at any of the Symptoms & Self-care forum.  There is some good threads on how to cope with symptoms.

[Shellbell]

@Greatful

I try and meditate every day.but sometimes it just doesn't help.  My symptoms change all the time. Akathesia the past two days really bad. Last week it was the depression. I just can't catch a break. I was sleeping ok for awhile but not too good the past couple days. This is so horrifying. Never suffered mental trauma before

I was given the Cymbalta for back pain only. Had akathesia reaction to that. And it's been hell ever since. I just so lost and alone. I only see one way out and it's not good

 

Thank you for listening and reaching out to me. I really do appreciate it

[Greatful]

@Shellbell  It is good that you meditate everyday.  Sometimes it is hard for me to, but I feel like at least I am resting and training my body and mind to relax.  It is typical for symptoms to change and morph into different symptoms.  Weekends tend to be harder for me. 

Remember, you are not alone.  Yes it does feel like that at times.  Can you get out with friends or family.

 

 I sit on my covered front porch, listen to the birds sing and hear the wind blow through the trees.  I have my computer with me if I want to look through SA or talk with other members.

I try to walk 6 or  so days a week.   It hard some days but it does help with anxiety and get you out in nature.  Are you finding little things to do to distract yourself. 

 

Have you tried Magnesium?  I take Magnesium Glycinate.  It helps to relax my anxiety.  

How about Omega 3 

 

[Greatful]

@ShellbellI am going to call it a night. Hang in there and I will check in with you tomorrow morning

Here is a hug t🤗

[Greatful]

@Shellbell  Good morning how are you doing?

[Shellbell]

I feel everyday is hell on earth. I’m beyond horrified that this is my life now. I no longer want to live this way 

[Greatful]

@Shellbell  Are you alone?  Can you call someone to be with you?  Tell me what is going on.  Depression? Anxiety? Restlessness?

You did jump off some strong meds back in a few months ago.  You are in some sever WD  Paws.  Please read this.  It is about a woman who recovered from benzos.  Altostrata equates it to any meds that change your brain.  It tell how your brain is repairing itself.  Click on the title and read.   Michael Priebe has some clips on you tube.   "The Lovely Grind" He is recovered from Paxil and xanax.  His clips are short and he has several on different topic in WD.

 

 

[Shellbell]

I’m currently at work trying to make it another day. It’s getting harder and harder each day. I will take a look at those things you suggested. My akathesia isn’t getting better. Which causes the depression and suicidal thoughts. I just so lost and defeated 

[Greatful]

Check back with me when you get home

Hang in there

[Greatful]

@ShellbellHow are you doing?☺️

[Shellbell]

@Greatful  I’m barely hanging on. Suffering debilitating fatigue. Dizziness. Blurry vision. On top of everything else. I can’t catch a break. It’s just to much for me to handle. Thinking this can go on for years has me so sad 

[mva96]

@Shellbellhey, im right there with you with the inner akathisia doom/horror/terror. Its awful but we will make it through. Hang in there.

[Greatful]

@Shellbell  Were you able to work today?  I wish I could take away some of your pain.  What kind of coping skills have you tried?

Are you able to sit outside and hear the sounds of nature?  If you are tired take a blanket and lay on the ground focus on what's going on around you.  Can you go for a short walk?  Distract, distract yourself

You will make it through this. You will have to dig deep within yourself and find the strength to move forward.  I know it is very painful, but your mind is very powerful, if you use it positively it will help ease some of your pain.  You are stronger then you think, you have held up this long.

Have you read any of the success stories?

Did you look at any of suggestions I sent you.  

Do not get stuck in your thoughts,  you are not thinking clearly right now.  Thoughts are just thoughts they can't hurt you.  Don't fight them, acknowledge them and then distract yourself by moving, looking at something flower, trees, if you are already doing something refocus on that.

It is the reaction to your symptoms not the symptoms that are causing you the pain.

As hard as it is you must dig deep♥️

 

[Shellbell]

@mva96  thank you for your reply to me. I honestly don't think I am going to make it out of this alive. It's just too much

[Shellbell]

@Greatful

I honestly don't have any coping skills. I try meditation. I was able to work today.

My vision is all messed up lately and think the agitation makes it worse. Which causes more agitation

I had surgery 5 weeks ago and am wondering if that made everything worse with the anesthesia and pain meds they gave me. I don't know. I am scared to take a vitamin, scared to drink a cup of coffee. Scared when I have a damn bite of ice cream. It's absolutely ridiculous.

my mind just won't stop the constant loop and it drives me nuts. If I could just make my mind stop thinking about everything I think it would really help. But it's just stuck and has been for the past 12 months. 

[Greatful]

@Shellbell  Have you symptoms gotten worse after your surgery?  I bet you are having a set back from that.  I have read people will have a set back after getting work done at he dentist.  Did you have any antibiotics?  

 

I can relate to being afraid to eat anything, drink coffee, it is pretty pathetic how we get paranoid because we don't want to feel worse.

Maybe you could try Magnesium Glycinate.  Or people take Epson salt baths, to help with anxiety.  I take magnesium glycinate about 400mg a day.  I split open a 200mg capsule and pour about half the amount into a glass of water and drink.  I do this about 4 times a day.  It is better to spread magnesium throughout the day.  If you could start with 50mg for a few days and see how it goes.  Most of the time I feel a difference in my anxiety. 

Are you still getting sleep?

 

[Shellbell]

I do take magnesium 400 b4 bed. I also take 1mg of melatonin every night. I get about 5 to 7 hours of sleep. 
 

I feel the akathesia got worse after my surgery. Refused to take antibiotics or the benzo they wanted to give me. Only took 5 pain pills because I was scared. And I might need another surgery here pretty soon. So I’m so worried about that as well. 
 

it’s just not ever going to get better. I’m stuck in a **** ton of suck and I can’t get out. I feel there is no hope anymore. My mind is too damaged 

[Greatful]

@Shellbell  Spread your magnesium throughout the day.  

Your brain is not damaged.  Please read some of the success stories.

How were you symptoms before surgery?  

Can you get some good Omega 3s that are high in DHA and EPA  they recommend a high dose of that.  It is really good for your brain

You must try and change your mind set.  Is there someone who can go for a walk with you.

Try to distract yourself.  

You must dig deep and accept where you are at right now and fight to move forward.  It has to come from with in.  You can find the courage and strength, you have already come this far. 

I am pulling for you

 

 

[Shellbell]

Akathesia has been horrible for the past 5 days. The panic is debilitating. I can’t do this anymore. I’m not capable 

 

I feel I’ve gotten worse and worse instead of better. Had a decent day last Friday and that was it. The suicidal thoughts are overwhelming me. And I’m terrified 

[Greatful]

@Shellbell 

1 hour ago, Shellbell said:

Had a decent day last Friday and that was it.

Wait a minuet,  You had a decent day on Friday.  That does tell me and it should tell you that you can and are healing💥

 

Have you tried journaling daily so you can track your days and when you are feeling down you can look back and see there was days that you were doing okay.  

Are you at work?

Did you get out for a walk yesterday or today?  Walks will help with the restlessness.  You will also feel better about yourself, you will be taking steps to help yourself.  

Have you tried a weighted blanket for snuggling or on your bed.  I love mine, it really helped when my anxiety was high and when I felt restless.  I took were ever I was, sitting on my recliner, laying on the couch, and I still sleep with it as my blanket. 

We all have very trying and scary days and even weeks, you will have to find ways to cope and accept.  Time is all we have,  this process can not be rushed.  You will only make it harder if you fight it each step of the way❣️

 

 

[Greatful]

@@Shellbell 

Here is a thread about akathisia.  I did not read the whole thing yet, but I thought it might help you feel not so alone.  

Please read

 

[Greatful]

  @Shellbell  Here is another one on changing the channel

Click on the title

 

[Greatful]

@Shellbell  How are you doing?

[Shellbell]

@Greatful

Praying for god to take me home. 

[Mia1]

Hi Shellbell,

I’m stopping by to offer my support and encouragement that you will get better. I know this can feel so scary and hopeless but if you are willing to put in the work you can greatly reduce the mental and physical pain you are experiencing. I’m going to share with you the things that have helped not only me but others on this journey. 

The single most thing that can help you right now is acceptance. It’s identifying your physical symptoms and emotional state and simply saying okay, this is what’s happening, since I can’t change anything I will accept things as they are. I will accept myself as I am right now. And you stop thinking about it. When you think about it, keep reminding yourself that you are okay and give yourself permission to stop thinking about it.  It’s your resistance to your symptoms that’s causing your suffering, not the actual symptoms. Change your relationship to your symptoms, change your suffering. Keep practicing this, it will get easier with time.

I also find that finding the meaning in the suffering can help you with acceptance. For me, it has been an incredible journey of self love and discovery. So when I have symptoms I know it’s just part of the process, I don’t fight it.

Be mindful what you are telling yourself. Imagine your best friend came to you with these concerns. Would you tell her that it was hopeless and that she was never going to make it? Learn to be your best friend, learn how to love yourself. Please be patient and kind to yourself, you need and deserve that right now.💗

I’m  going to recommend that you continue your meditation practice even if you feel like it’s not helping because it is and long term it will help with your anxiety. It has so many other benefits but for right now just try to keep doing it.

 I’m going to share a healing meditation I have been doing. This will help you with acceptance and I believe if you do it every day you will see remarkable results. 

You are okay right now, you are just scared. And I know that after not feeling well for so long you can start to get discouraged. But there’s a reason we go on medication and once we get off we have to start working on these issues. It can be done and you already have the strength to do it. I’m here for you and happy to help in any way I can. I’m sending you love and light 💓🙏

 

 

 

[Shellbell]

@Mia1

thank you for your support and suggestions. I try so hard to tell myself those things. But the mental anguish of akathesia is just too much to handle most times. I was given cymbalta for back pain. Have never had depression or anxiety before. It’s crazy ridiculous. 
did you experience akathesia yourself? 
 

I will try that meditation tonight while I try to sleep

thank you for your kindness 

[Mia1]

I’m happy you are going to start the meditation, it is going to teach you acceptance and help you to focus off your symptoms. Yes, I’ve had varying degrees of akathesia during my journey, acceptance has been my one constant relief. 

I’m going to suggest you start a gratitude journal. When you wake in the morning write a couple things you are grateful for, even if it’s getting out of bed. Before you go to bed write a couple things you were grateful for during the day. This helps to retrain your brain to start focusing on the positive aspects of life. You have been in w/d for a while and we want to break you out of the habit of negative thinking.

When you notice you are being negative with self talk stop and reframe your thought into something positive. So if you tell yourself “I’m never going to make it” stop and then tell yourself instead “ I’m so strong to be able to do this, I know I’m getting better every day.”

You’ve got this, you just need to take that first step out of the darkness. 

[Greatful]

@Shellbell  Sounds like you have something to try tonight.  I have learned a lot from @Mia1.  She has learned a lot about acceptance and is more than happy to share her insights into this.  Small baby steps and you will start to see the light at the end of the tunnel.