Blanca: tapering Invega

[Blanca]

I'm tappering off invega. I'm literally a zombie with no memories or personality. I wish I could be the same and recover my personality, sense of self, be in the present...

[Blanca]

I lost myself to psych drugs

 

I became another person, a different "self". A numb and detached self. I wasn't the person I used to be anymore. My identity and personality.

 

And it pains me so much...

How do you deal with that?

 

Edited October 12, 2021 by ChessieCat
added topic title before merging with intro topic

[Blanca]

The trauma of losing yourself to drugs

 

I don't know how I'm gonna get over this trauma… … I was ok in presen (my second school). Finally. I wasn't being bullied anymore. I had friends. I still hadn't had any problems with my family. … I want to recover that level of well-being. Even if it seems impossible with all the changes in my life. … I used to be me. In the present. With my feelings. My personality. My relationships. I was always me. That naivety. That curiosity. My way of seeing and understanding the world. Being in the present. Without this  crushing anxiety. Without… being this. I want to be me again. I know I would have evolved and changed with time. The Blanca (me) from presen wouldn't have been the same Blanca from university even if I hadn't gotten bullied again. Because I would have evolved. Because I wasn't the same with 7 or 8 or 10 or 13 or 15 years. But I was me all the time. I remember in presen seeing a story of a woman that died and went to heaven. She was asked: who are you? And she started saying: I'm *name*'s wife. I'm *name*'s mother. I'm a lawyer… And she was told: "yes, but, who are you?" She could understand. I couldn't either. … I would have evolved with time. I wouldn't be presen's Blanca now. But, I would be me. With my experiences. With my daily life. With my relationships. With my memories. I would have just… lived. That's it. … I know I'll never fully recover.

 

Edited October 12, 2021 by ChessieCat
added topic title before merging with intro topic

[Blanca]

So does anybody think, maybe, my brain doesn't let me feel or be aware of what happened because it would be too much?

 

Should I keep tappering off my taking 1 pill every 2 days?

[Altostrata]

Welcome, @Blanca

 

Causing stupefaction is how Invega "works".

 

We need more information about what you're taking. What times o'clock do you take your drugs, with their dosages?

 

How long have you been taking Invega or other psychiatric drugs?

 

Are you taking 1 pill every other day? How long have you been doing this?

 

To help us out, follow these instructions Please summarize your drug and withdrawal history in your signature You may need to use a computer to do this.

[Blanca]

I take the minimun dosage at night, 1 pill every 2 days. Ihave been taking invega for around 2-3 years now. Before that, I took olanzapine for another 2-3 years. I have also taken antidepressants like fluoxetine for around 5 years and anxiolytics like diazepan for another 5 years. I stopped taking fluoxetine around half a year ago. I've been tappering off invega since august. I tried stopping it before and almost did it cold turkey. I stopped it in january of this year and didn't take it for around 3 months; then, I started again.

[Blanca]

I'll give you my whole record once my psychiatrist gives it to me tomorrow.

[Blanca]

Moved from the Tips for Tapering Invega topic

 

I'm taking it once every 2 days but I see that's a bad idea. Should I switch to risperidone? I'm technically taking the minimun dose so my psychiatrist told me I could leave it cold turkey.

 

Edited October 15, 2021 by ChessieCat
added topic info before moving to intro

[Blanca]

Moved from the Tips for Tapering Invega topic

 

My mother says risperidone is very dangerous. Should I switch to abilify?

 

Edited October 15, 2021 by ChessieCat
added topic info before moving to intro

[ChessieCat]

 

Please post questions about your situation here in your Introduction topic.  Posts made in other areas of the site might not get seen by the staff.  Thank you.

 

On 10/14/2021 at 7:19 AM, Altostrata said:

To help us out, follow these instructions Please summarize your drug and withdrawal history in your signature You may need to use a computer to do this.

 

Alto requested that you create your drug signature.  We need to know your drug history before the staff can answer your questions.  Thank you.

[Altostrata]

Blanca, please put your drug information in your signature, so we can see it under each of your posts. Supply dates as close as you can recall. We also need the drug dosages.

 

Please answer:

On 10/13/2021 at 1:19 PM, Altostrata said:

What times o'clock do you take your drugs, with their dosages?

 

How long have you been taking Invega or other psychiatric drugs?

 

Are you taking 1 pill every other day? How long have you been doing this?

 

For what symptoms are you taking Invega? Are you also taking risperidone?

[Blanca]

I went to see my psychiatrist yesterday but she told me she didn't prepare my history as I told her... She is gonna give it to me the next session. Sorry, I can't recall my past or what I have taken. I can't put my history...

I'm currently only taking invega. I may also start taking diazepan since I can't sleep. I will post my history as soon as I can.

[Altostrata]

@Blanca we need to know the DOSAGES of your drugs. Does your pharmacist have your drug record?

 

When did you start Invega? Why are you taking it? When did the insomnia start?

 

Generally, you should NEVER SKIP DOSES of psychiatric drugs, that causes symptoms like insomnia and withdrawal symptoms.

 

This is a site for going off drugs. If you're under the care of a psychiatrist and you're adding drugs, that's between you and the doctor. Please let us know when you want to REDUCE your drugs.

[Blanca]

I'm taking 3mg of invega. I will stop skipping dosages now that I know that's a horrible method to withdraw. The insomnia started with the withdrawing. I was labeled as psychotic but I wasn't.  I was connected to my reality... just obsessed with the idea that I wasn't prepared for adulthood and that I needed to change. That led me to believe I had CPTSD because of the bullying I lived most of my life even if I didn't meet the criteria for it.

I started making my own theories about why I was the way I was, Freud's style, and my doctors thought I was delusional for that.

I want to reduce the drugs but I can't cut the pill or anything. And 3mg is the minimun dose here. I can't buy anything smaller than that. I talked to my doctor to switch to risperidone but my mother says that's a very dangerous drugs and that I should switch to abilify.

 

I will ask to a pharmacist but I don't believe they have any record...

 

I think I started invega about 2-3 years ago.

[Altostrata]

Skipping doses may be the core of your current problems. Suggest you take your dose at the same time each day for at least 2 months before attempting to taper.

 

See Tips for tapering off paliperidone (Invega)

 

If you would like to discuss tapering further, do this first: Please summarize your drug and withdrawal history in your signature You may need to use a computer to do this.

[Blanca]

Sorry, I wanna make this short but I may end up giving a full speech on this, so sorry in advance.

 

Long story short: I'm *****.

 

I started taking this pills when I was 17. I was okay... My brain wasn't an issue for me, really... the bullying was. But, I mean... I was chill. I was smart, empathetic, caring... I was super-afraid of violence. I was unable to hurt a fly...

 

So... I didn't know what was wrong with me. I just didn't understand my classmates. I was socially insecure because of that. Turn out, it was high-masking autism...

 

I went to the psych in order to "fix" my social blindness, lol... and I lost my mind.

 

I didn't know psychs were like this. I didn't know what a psych was... I didn't know they worked with labels... I was trying to run away from one (wallflower, marginalized...), I didn't want another one.

 

If I had known how dangerous this pills truly were... I would have never ever taken them in the first place.

 

I spent YEARS away from reality. I was literally in another reality... I couldn't feel anymore. I wasn't me at all...

 

It was a cocktail of APs, ADs and benzos...

 

My family became abusive... and, I mean, they had always have their issues but... the way they strated treating me with all of this is downright... something to call the police for... and I was numb.

 

I tappered off everything on january but I'm only starting to see how ***** up I am right now.

 

I have amnesia and aphantasia, along with other things I don't know how to name. I can't remember anything but I kinda know what has happened...

 

I'm so done... So many things have happened... and I was so gone...

 

I don't know if I can make this.

 

I... don't know what else to say. I have amnesia, aphantasia, my mind still goes round and round between "realities". Anxiety. Parkinson symptoms. Brain atrophy. Hypertermia. Vision problems. Cognitive-problems. REM sleep problems. Problems with emotions. And a lot of other ***** up stuff.

 

What dld I have before the pills? Fawning. Low self-esteem. Social blindness. Rejection sensitivity disphoria... I was completely harmless and conscious. I was a child!

[ChessieCat]

Blanca, please create your drug signature following these instructions.  This will appear below every post you make:

 

Instructions:  Withdrawal History Signature

[Blanca]

I have no recolection of the exact doses, names and duration... or when did the symptoms appear... and I don't wanna be untruthful... Right now, I even have no memories at all... Sorry I may do it if I get the doctor's notes...

[Onmyway]

On 7/12/2022 at 11:39 AM, Blanca said:

Sorry, I wanna make this short but I may end up giving a full speech on this, so sorry in advance.

 

Long story short: I'm *****.

 

I started taking this pills when I was 17. I was okay... My brain wasn't an issue for me, really... the bullying was. But, I mean... I was chill. I was smart, empathetic, caring... I was super-afraid of violence. I was unable to hurt a fly...

 

So... I didn't know what was wrong with me. I just didn't understand my classmates. I was socially insecure because of that. Turn out, it was high-masking autism...

 

I went to the psych in order to "fix" my social blindness, lol... and I lost my mind.

 

I didn't know psychs were like this. I didn't know what a psych was... I didn't know they worked with labels... I was trying to run away from one (wallflower, marginalized...), I didn't want another one.

 

If I had known how dangerous this pills truly were... I would have never ever taken them in the first place.

 

I spent YEARS away from reality. I was literally in another reality... I couldn't feel anymore. I wasn't me at all...

 

It was a cocktail of APs, ADs and benzos...

 

My family became abusive... and, I mean, they had always have their issues but... the way they strated treating me with all of this is downright... something to call the police for... and I was numb.

 

I tappered off everything on january but I'm only starting to see how ***** up I am right now.

 

I have amnesia and aphantasia, along with other things I don't know how to name. I can't remember anything but I kinda know what has happened...

 

I'm so done... So many things have happened... and I was so gone...

 

I don't know if I can make this.

 

I... don't know what else to say. I have amnesia, aphantasia, my mind still goes round and round between "realities". Anxiety. Parkinson symptoms. Brain atrophy. Hypertermia. Vision problems. Cognitive-problems. REM sleep problems. Problems with emotions. And a lot of other ***** up stuff.

 

What dld I have before the pills? Fawning. Low self-esteem. Social blindness. Rejection sensitivity disphoria... I was completely harmless and conscious. I was a child!

Blanca, I moved your topic fun the symptoms forum to here. We like to keep your story in one place. You're welcome to post about specific symptoms on the other forums but things relating to you only should be in the intro topic. Pls fill in your drug signature as requested above so we can help you better.

 

OMW 

[Blanca]

Any ideas on what this might be?

 

It's like a convulsion but it's mental/internal. It's like dizziness but it's not dizziness. I deel as if my head just spins but it's the mind. It only last a couple of seconds.

 

I'm worried they might be some kind of seizure.

 

Edited October 29, 2022 by ChessieCat
added topic title before merging with intro topic

[ChessieCat]

Q:  Are you still skipping doses?

 

Q:  What drug/s are you currently taking?

 

Q:  What dose are you taking of the drug/s?

 

Q:  What time do you take the drug/s?

 

Edited October 29, 2022 by ChessieCat

[Blanca]

Answers to questions:

 

Q:  Are you still skipping doses? I tappered off all drugs in January

 

Q:  What drug/s are you currently taking? None. But I'm taking Omega-3, MSM and royal jelly in the morning and melatonin at night.

 

Q:  What dose are you taking of the drug/s? None

 

Q:  What time do you take the drug/s? I don't take any

 

I don't take drugs rn.

 

I stopped in January

 

I'm taking Omega-3, MSM and royal jelly in the morning and melatonin at night.

 

Edited October 29, 2022 by ChessieCat
extracted responses from quote

[ChessieCat]

1 hour ago, Blanca said:

I tappered off all drugs in January

 

What drugs did you stop in January? 

 

What was the last dose you took of that/those drug/s?

[Blanca]

I think it was liquid risperidone 0,75ml

[Blanca]

I'm not sure where to post this

 

I'm gonna try to br as clear as possible.

 

I took pills for years because of my diagnosis that made me lose my reality for years. Basically, I was like a zombie, I didn't care about anything and I wasn't really "aware" or "processing" what was going on.

 

Each and every new wave is "more real". I'm basically "going back to earth" and becoming aware of what has happened...

 

A lot of things happened while I was on those pills, really bad things... and, the more aware I am, the more I feel as freaking out or becoming depressed... I'm starting to feel dissociated and I don't know if it's the pills or the trauma...

 

I wanna make people understand this but I don't know how... I feel like they don't get the idea that "that wasn't me". There are people that definitely don't wanna help me, of course...

 

But my life is completely ruined (mind, body and life). I was healthy and now have debilitating and/or serious health issues, my relationships, studies, routine... dissapeared. I have a lot of mental issues because of the pills (aphantasia, hppd... even things I don't know the name of) on top of the trauma).

 

I'm scared of being aware, honestly... The moments were I am, it's... devastating. My grandparents died. My dog died. My family abused me. So many things happened...

 

I feel trapped... If I start getting depressed from all of this, my family will push the pills on me again and I don't know if I'm strong enough...

 

I'm looking for resources in ny area (Basque Country) or maybe ways in which I can explain this to people who may want to understand...

I'm not even sure at this point...

 

Edited November 4, 2022 by ChessieCat
added topic title before merging with intro topic

[ChessieCat]

I've moved your new topic to an existing topic.  SA likes to keep similar information in one place.  Before creating a new topic please do a search to see if one already exists.  If it is a symptom, go to the Symptoms and Self Care forum and search there.

 

Your topic has been moved to this one:

 

vision-symptoms-floaters-snow-blurreddimmed-vision-twitching-dry-eyes-and-pain

 

 

Edited November 9, 2022 by ChessieCat

[Blanca]

Now that you have told your stories, I wanna tell mine.

 

So, I was a 17 year old un undiagnosed ASD afab when I started taking the pills. I had been in 3 schools:

 

The first one, from ages 3 to 14, was full of really horrible bullying.

 

The second one, was bullying free. It lasted 2 years.

 

In the third was, I got bullied again. It lasted other 2 years.

 

The trauma of going through all that again was too much. I had some sort of personality break at one point in my third school. If you watch the Simpsons, you may know of that episode in which Bart starts being bullied by the whole town and ends up graffitiing the phrase "I hate Bart Sympson" all over Springfield; I was kinda like that. I basically hated myself. I tried changing my clothes, my hair style, my everything... In my mind, I was like "look at me. Look at my clothes... No wonder why they hated me. I'm gonna change all of this... and then they will accept me", but they didn't. I had 100% tunnel vision at that point: my priority number one was understanding what the h*ll was going on with people.

 

I still had the innocence of a little girl back then. I asked to go to a therapist and the therapist just couldn't figure out what my problem was, so she told me to go to a psych. I was desperate. I told my mother after that that I wanted to see a psych and she said no. I had always obeyed my mother but I thought to myself back then "I'm old enough now. I should have the right to decide this for myself", so I told her I was gonna go see one anyway. She then hit me and I had an emotional flashback of me when I was 14 and thought that my father was gonna punch me in the face. My father had always been a very aggressive and violent person and, in my mind, my mother was "the good one", although she always displayed narcissistic behaviors.

 

After dissociating, I told my mother exactly what I told my father back then: "I hate you. I wish you were dead". My mother started crying and, in my mind, I was so confused because, for some reason I couldn't understand, I was expecting her to ger angry like my father did. After that, my mother and aunts actually took me to the emergency room. I had no idea where was I since no one bothered to explain to me I was in the emergency room or how the emergency room worked. They started asking me questions (do you wanna kill yourself? Do you wanna kill others? Do you have allucinations? Do you self-harm?...) and I remember I was so baffled, like, "why are asking me such horrible things? What kind of place is this for them to ask me those things?". I remember telling stuff about my family but it was only because of the confusion and sort of like "to get revenge". My family was there like "we don't know what's wrong with her". They didn't tell me they wrote it all down as "possible psychosis".

 

After that, they sent me home and gave me an appointment with a psych. I started taking fluoxetine, I think, which made me stop being dissociated. After that, I was still 100% in tunnel vision mode. I tried to explain to the psych what I thought was "wrong" with me, but I honestly had no idea. They had no idea what diagnosis to put me and they didn't even bother to tell me they were trying to put me a diagnosis in the first place. I honestly had no idea what a psych was or how they worked... They just threw random pills at me and I was so innocent I lost my freaking reality but thought (at least, at first) that I was somehow starting to see that "social reality" that I just couldn't "get".

 

After 1 year of pills, I was completely gone. Some stuff happened and my family started going 100% full on narc abuse (gaslighting, victim-blaming, guilt-tripping...) I told the psychs that my family was abusing me and they diagnosed me "undefined psychosis". They didn't even let me know that.

 

They started giving me APs and I started having all sorts of terrible physical and psychological side effects... but I was so gone that I didn't care. I couldn't figure out what was going on in my mind and body or why... That lasted 7 years until, one day, I don't remember how or why, started reading things about the pills on the internet, and the prospect, and I thought "maybe it were the pills?". I talked to my psych about this but she was like "Impossible. The doses were too low. Bla bla bla". I then decided to quit anyway, which led to a lot more gaslighting and abuse...

 

And now, after 1 year med free, I'm starting to become aware for real... and everything that has happened is just... so horrible... It's too much. My family were pretty much the only people I trusted and I was... very sensitive before. Not that it was a bad thing. I was sensitive both ways: I was sensitive to whatever people could do and to whatever I did. I was very innocent and harmless. My biggest "problems" before the pills were excessive fawning and attachment to people who were abusive. I wasn't a danger to myself or others and my body was 100% healthy.

 

Reality comes in waves now. The waves just keep getting more and more real and intense, longer, frequent... like a picture that keeps getting more and more clear. The more I see what happened, the more I dissociate.

 

I'm still living with my family and they still act abusive...

 

I just... It's too much. I just don't know where or when it's gonna get "too real for me". My life is pretty much in ruins and I really need support and to be safe... I just don't know how am I gonna accept all of this...

[manymoretodays]

Hi Blanca, @Blanca

I found your Introduction topic and thought that your last post in "Rebuilding my Life" might go better here.

It's more historical, and less about rebuilding a life is what I thought.

So your last post you'll find above.  I'll put a link to this topic in the other topic you started so that those commenting there may find you here as well, and read your last post.

 

Could you update your signature please with some of that drug information. 

Just estimate dates or years please.  Use numbers or spell out the month and year so we have a better idea of your drug history.

Don't use terms like "current" or "last year" as that won't mean anything in a year from now.

Note the drugs by name, and dose if remembered.

 

 

See: How to Summarize Your Drug History in Your Signature

 

Your present signature is saying you are tapering Invega.

Have you come off all drugs now then?

And how did you do that?  I mean did you taper or just quit them or what?

 

Okay thanks.

 

Oh and I'm sorry to read of your struggles. 

You might find your area, and check in to find others who might be able to let you know, about resources for help for you now.

"Check-in" topics

No one should ever have to stay in a abusive household or situation. 

 

L, P, H, and G,

mmt

 

Are you experiencing any other WD symptoms at this point in time?

Does this sound at all like what you experience now, from time to time?:

Derealization or Depersonalization(DR and DP)

Edited December 20, 2022 by manymoretodays

[Blanca]

I updated the signature just now.

 

Thank you for the resources.

[StayHopeful]

Hi Blanca, 

 

Just leaving a note, to send you my best and hope that you're doing well and feeling better. 🙏😊

 

SH

[manymoretodays]

Thank you Blanca for updating the signature.

Do keep us updated when you can.  💜

[Blanca]

Thank you guys, it's good to have this place to talk about this. Not a lot of people are comfortable talking about this or understand what this is like. I'm just starting to recover my reality and becoming aware of things after 7 years and it's hard. It's hard being surrounded by your family and not being able to talk about this with ant of them... because they just gaslight you or don't care. I'm also mad at myself, everybody and the world for this. I lost everything and I wasn't aware of it... ...I don't know what to do, how to do it or even if I want to do it...

 

I'm just becoming overwhelmed by this... which isn't a bad thing by itself... Emotions are good and it's good to feel alive again... but I'm mostly scared that I can't let myself be around these people and that is what makes me feel like losing my mind most of the time, I think...

 

Not being in a safe place while dealing with withdrawals is truly mindbreaking. I wish I could fix this but fixing this isn't in my hands...

 

At least, I can talk about this here... I just wanna feel like I have someone who cares, at least a little bit. No one in my family has bothered to wanna learn about this.

 

I'm just fricking tired of their narcissistic tendencies. I feel like they only care if I'm not a "threat" to their fricking ego or something...

And last time I was aware, I thought they cared about me inconditionally. Kinda...

 

It's hard feeling like going crazy any minute... I don't know how the hell am I gonna survive this... My god... I wanna feel like there is still a chance... and that I wanna take it.

[Blanca]

TW: heavy venting, heavy language, numerous forms of abuse. If you are in a vulnerable/sensitive spot right now, please, do NOT read this post.

 

I guess you can say I already made a "part 1" in here: https://www.reddit.com/r/Antipsychiatry/comments/183hmld/update_on_withdrawals

I'll continue venting in the comment section.

[Blanca]

Okay, where do I start...

 

I'm becoming aware of this. Like, genuinely aware. I had no clue what that was like anymore before the drugs. I lost my thoughts, feelings, beliefs... everything. Like being dead alive.

 

Yesterday I was less aware than today, but I wanted to add this to the reddit post (I also have some drafts with horrible horrible things that happened that I wanted to talk about in other posts, so, maybe I'll add them here, but I don't know):

 

This is mostly a message to my "loved ones":

 

You are just killing me. The narrative is backwards and has been all this time. My whole life, body and mind are gone. Don't say you have no clue. Don't say you didn't know. Don't explain why you didn't help me as if the whole point wss avoiding punishment without any trace of real guilt or remorse for hurting me.

While you are too busy trying to be a good person, show me "the way", show me "my faults", like what I did "wrong" that made me deserve rejection (like a f*cking christian judging you for your sins), trying to make me love you, trying to make me like you, trying to control me, I'm here f#cked exactly because of that. I'm here f#cked exactly because of you. You don't try to control the peoplr you love. You don't try to please the people you love. You don't try to be anything with the people you love.

This is dystopic and the next time you wonder "how can people in dystopias do that? How can people in cults act and think like that?". You know. You're thinking exactly the same way. "Why do people act like nothing is going on and smile like that?". Because they wanna be liked and are too busy trying to "read" the other person's mind to actually see them. You don't see me. I'm not a person to you, only a means to an end and if I were to ever die before you, you wouldn't cry for me, you'd cry because I'll never give you what you wanted from me.

If you think that's love, you are sick. That's the opposite of love. If you never knew another kind of "love", that still doesn't mean it's love. You don't try to control the people you love.

And you never cared. This sh*t didn't start with the drugs: it was already like that before...

For all things you did and all the things you didn't do. More than 100 people telling me "I can't help you. I'm just one person" is ridiculous. We wouldn't have abuse would people actually organize and stop abusers instead of shaming the victims. You cannot fix me. I'm not a tool to be used. That's just sick and that's what our society is based on.

You say that you won't help me because you have your life, yet, you want to keep me with you at any cost, trapped. You say you have too much to deal with, yet, I see you spending hours just watching tv or playing videogames. You say that I acted horribly, yet, I was copying you, DRUGGED. You say that you tried to help me, yet, all your help was about **changing me**. You say that you sacrificed a lot for me, yet, helping those you love is not a sacrifice: it's a pleasure. If it's a sacrifice, what you are saying is that you never wanted to do those things in the first place. You say that it's my fault that you acted that way, but i could say the same thing (AND I WAS DRUGGED. I WASN'T AWARE. i HAD NO F*CKING THOUGHTS OR IDEA OF WTF WAS GOING ON (and the idea that you may use this to discredit me is f#cked up. I have it recorded, but I'm sure you'd find a way to flip it to me anyway even with that)). You say that you want for me to be okay, yet, your actions (and inactions) are the reason why I'm not, and when I tell you, even when I do it politely, you either run away or fight. You say that your actions are not as bad as other hypothetical or non-hypothetical people's actions. Your actions are also way way worse than other real people's, so wtf are you talking about?

I don't owe you anything. I am not your mother.

It didn't have to be this way and it didn't need to be this way. This is just a tragedy. There is nothing good in this. I didn't "learn" ****. What did I learn? To not trust humans? You'd call that paranoia if it's directed towards you.

Btw, the lump in my leg has gotten bigger and my mouth still tastes like blood. Years telling you this and you still say that my health is perfect and I'm just faking for attention. I have rheumatoid arthritis symptoms and diagnosed brain atrophy. for god's sake.This is not a game; this is my life, and you act as if I could just f#cking respawn or something. You genuinely want me to be happy after what you did? No, of course you don't. You just wsnt me to like you... I'd like you better if you were to just admit that you give zero ****s about my life instead of shoving that "good person" persona down my throat.

If you don't want me to act like I'm just waking up from the coma, for whatever reason, you don't want me alive. Whether it is because you don't wanna face the painful reality that that wasn't me or any other reason, you don't care about me, because that's exactly not caring. I don't care if you "can't help it", same thing can be said about me and that didn't stop you from judging me abd f#cking me up. If you don't care about the person that I was in 2016, for whatever reason,  you don't care about me. You just want to use me for your own gain. That's not a privilege, that's a prison. You are the reason why I'm not "healing". I have no one right now who genuinely give two ****s. What you do is just plain cruel. Your "good reasons" for doing it doesn't mean that it's not cruel or messed up, quite the opposite, **because that's exactly what everybody thinks**.

This is not about deserving or not deserving, this is about needing and people are not giving me, but they sure are demanding. I tried to give you stuff to start changing that in group: you didn't care. You didn't even try reading.

I hope you are happy. So much "care" and "sacrifice" "for nothing". It only costed my everything. So, who was the one sacrificing really?

All the "help" that I received was meant to change **me** as if there was something wrong with me. That's a judgment. Judgments hurt. Are you saying that you are hurting me "for my own good"? Cause that's boomer mentality.

I'm not ***** despite your "help"; but exactly because of it. And this is not a human error. This is a pattern of ***** up behavior that never in my life did I ever think was humanly possible, and that you have been performing on a daily basis for years despite my attempts at communicating with you wtf the problem was. Because let's be honest for a second: this was never about my wellbeing: this was about my wellacting. If I go to you and tell you "I feel bad because of this" you don't give two flying ****s because, in your head, that's not the point. The point is that I'm not doing "what I have to do" and that's it.

The doctors ***** up my health. My family threatens me. Everybody except me knows. No one does **** to stop it. Who am I supposed to ask for help?

I have studied my pattern and it doesn't end well
You are my pattern.

Explain to me again how the **** am I the crazy one here.

Everything is so real right now, oh my f*cking god.

People not seeing me/my reality/me as a living being and not an extension of themselves/me as my own person/my reality as valid/etc. are ******* me up. People not letting me be are just ******* me up. People judging me, in any way (praise or hate) for the things I did while drugged instead of admitting that that wasn't me (looks like they don't want to) are ******* me up. The prospect of people judging me (and more than just judging me) if I become aware and react like a human that is alive is ******* me up, and that prospect is based on what has happened and is still happening.

I'm going back to me after they robbed me of myself... 8 years ago. And "suddenly", my joints are ***** because of my family and everyone gaslights me. And "suddenly", I lost my house, my degree, my health, my memories, my dog, my reputation, my everything. People refusing to let go of the person they believe I am based on what my body did while my mind was in the forth dimension are ******* me up.

No one loves me rn. If they don't wanna let go, see, feel...

There was nothing with those drugs, in a way. Because there cannot be "nothing" without "something", but there was no concept of "something" in my head, so there was no concept of "nothing" either. It was like being dead alive.

So now the "image" of reality that is coming back to my head is... 8 years old. 8 years have passed for everyone except me.

For god's sake, I was a kid.

My family has done horrible stuff... and I was already unaware by the time they started being outwardly obvious.

The waves are... more real each time. My god 😨

[Blanca]

Everything is starting to be "so real" and I'm genuinely terrified of what they'll do to me. I don't think I'll ever survive their abuse because I need to get out of it for that.

 

I already lost everything and I'm just starting to be aware of that.

 

It's just sick and twisted.

[Blanca]

Do you know what's like to do something, only to have a wave 5 seconds later where you slowly recover your consciousness and be like "what this? Idk what this is. That thing... I didn't do it: that wasn't me. I have no clue what "Free Congo" is. Where is my family? Where am I? This is not my house. I don't remember anything. Why are people not believing me?"