Kronicles900: SSRI Zombie Mode defeated - Multiple other cocktails along the way

[Kronicles900]

Hope everyone is doing well. I wanted to start with a quick synopsis of my medical background below.

 

I took SSRI antidepressants for 17+ years.
I started with Prozac for 5 years from 15-21.
Then I took Escitalopram from 22-32.
Along the way I was put on Trazodone, Buspar, Ambien and Wellbutrin as well.
All in an attempts to control my anxiety/depression and inability to sleep.

 

Also a little mental history - I was bullied from about the age of 9 to the age of 16. It's pretty obvious in hindsight why I was depressed/anxious. I thought the people in this world were mean. I thought everywhere I went was an unsafe place because at this time it was. In response to this I took up boxing and working out so I could become stronger than my bullies. In all honesty it worked. As soon as I became strong and in shape I became popular out of nowhere, which was an interesting transition. Anyways, that's another story for another time. 

 

At 15 I visited the doctor because I always held things to myself because I never told my parents I was being bullied or that life outside of my bedroom sucked. They just thought I was sad/depressed. Depression also runs deep in my family. My mother has been on an extreme cocktail of antidepressants since she was about 20. Although this cocktail has been quite a rollercoaster for her as well. She thought this was the only way to help. I had no one to talk to and I felt like the world was an unsafe and scary place so when the doctor prescribed anti depressants and the anxiety disappeared I thought it was a miracle. At this time the extreme side effects didn't matter to me. The fact I lost my ability to feel empathy because I was numb didn't matter because I didn't like people enough to care to empathize with them. I thought I was going to make it in this world on my own come hell or high water. This idea set me off on a path of perfectionism, egocentrism, hedonism and drug abuse. This life is not meant to be lived alone. 

 

To make sure this story doesn't become a novel I'm going to go ahead and summarize it here. For 16 years I went on a binger of sorts. Chasing all the highs this world has to offer. Whether this be dating multiple women, chasing drugs and festival culture, chasing adrenaline highs in the form of mountain biking, power lifting or cliff diving. I kept chasing thrills to fill the emotional void left by the SSRI.  I also had to be perfect at this point. I had to have a straight A's in college. 

 

A quick aside (I had a long period of alcohol addiction that ran in parallel with my SSRI usage from about 16-21). This caused me to fall behind in life so I felt like I had to catch-up quick, mixed with the perfectionism created from early bullying it caused an immense amount of anxiety in my day to day life. I wasn't allowed to rest, make a mistake or simply apologize when I was wrong. This caused insane amounts of chaos in my relationships throughout these years.

 

Finally when I hit about 31 I decided I had enough of this chaos. A 6-year relationship and all of my life long friendships finally collapsed on me. They were built on a false human. They were built on a man that didn't exist. I see myself as two people honestly. The person that was on anti-depressants is not the same human I am off them. Honestly in my mind half the withdrawal is realizing you built a life not suitable to the person you are off the medicine. I moved to a new area and started a new life. I also quit my anti-depressants. I began hiking and looking inward. It took about 6 months from the insomnia, brain zaps, panic attacks and extreme social anxiety to subside. I managed these symptoms with extreme self inquiry. I also started walking daily. 

 

I'm running out of time to write this so let me summarize this pretty quickly here. I'm not perfectly better now. I think anxiety/depression are a part of existence now. I accept there will be days I'm tired/scared and will have panic attacks, but I've learned to sit with these emotions and understand this too shall pass. Getting of my anti-depressant also gave me my empathy back. I built closer connections with people than I've had in the past 17 years. It was extremely hard to rebuild a social support system and a new life while quitting the SSRI though. I would say overall life feels deeper now though. 

 

In summary:

1) Took SSRI's for 17+ years. Felt like a zombie. I won't say it was all bad. If you are suicidal and have no other options I would say these are better than that alternative. If you believe you have any other options though I would urge you to try them all out. 

2) Quit SSRI's at 32. Created a new life.

3) Anxiety/depression still exists but I now just believe these to be a part of life as opposed to something to get rid of. 

4) Found a social support system that saved me, built around the real me.

 

 

Sorry for jumping around so much on this post. I was trying to work from home at the same time. So I kept jumping back into it. If anyone has any questions feel free to let me know!

[getofflex]

Hello, and thank you for posting your success story!  This will be a big asset to our forum by giving hope and encouragement to many who are still suffering from these drugs.  It's wonderful that you have been able to get off of all these drugs, and build a new live and a new support system.  That is really huge!  I can relate to a lot of what you said about bullying, and about being a different person on the drugs than off the drugs.  Keep up the good work! 

[Kronicles900]

Hey Getofflex, I appreciate your words! I know how hard the struggle is for people on these medications and I'm just hoping some of the rambling that comes out of my mouth can help someone even in the tiniest. In terms of being a different person on/off the drugs it was quite intense to see how there were really two different people I was dealing with. My SSRI self and my real self. It's a real challenge to let go of this alter identity you created while on the medicine. Sometimes these medicines allowed us to push ourselves into stressful places we wouldn't have been able to go if it wasn't for them. And being able to accept that the new you may just not be able to handle these situations is a tough pill to swallow. But honestly getting off of these medicines have brought me closer to myself and God. It's humbled me to reach out for help when I need it instead of just feeling like I can tackle everything on my own.

 

Anyways sorry to ramble! Thanks for reaching out! Hope you're doing well.

[Ariel]

Hi @Kronicles900

Thank you so much for writing your success story! It is so very helpful to those of us still in the long, slow process of recovery. 

 

On 3/28/2022 at 6:14 PM, Kronicles900 said:

I see myself as two people honestly. The person that was on anti-depressants is not the same human I am off them. Honestly in my mind half the withdrawal is realizing you built a life not suitable to the person you are off the medicine. I moved to a new area and started a new life.

 

On 4/5/2022 at 10:48 PM, Kronicles900 said:

In terms of being a different person on/off the drugs it was quite intense to see how there were really two different people I was dealing with. My SSRI self and my real self. It's a real challenge to let go of this alter identity you created while on the medicine. Sometimes these medicines allowed us to push ourselves into stressful places we wouldn't have been able to go if it wasn't for them. And being able to accept that the new you may just not be able to handle these situations is a tough pill to swallow.

 

This is really interesting and valuable to read. Thank you for sharing your thoughts about it. I am struck by your courage and honesty in getting to know yourself and being true to the person you are discovering yourself to be. You are very brave! 

 

I have posted a link to your success story in a help topic forum "For people who were drugged as children". 

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/27020-for-people-who-were-drugged-as-children/#comment-589218

 

It seems that a lot of people struggle with identity crises as a result of psych meds, withdrawal, and the healing process. I wonder whether that can be intensified and exacerbated by having been medicated from a young age, during one's formative years. Do you think that has played a role in your case?

 

Thanks again for sharing your story. Congratulations on your hard work. I wish you all the best.

A.

 

 

[Mdawg]

On 4/5/2022 at 4:48 PM, Kronicles900 said:

Hey Getofflex, I appreciate your words! I know how hard the struggle is for people on these medications and I'm just hoping some of the rambling that comes out of my mouth can help someone even in the tiniest. In terms of being a different person on/off the drugs it was quite intense to see how there were really two different people I was dealing with. My SSRI self and my real self. It's a real challenge to let go of this alter identity you created while on the medicine. Sometimes these medicines allowed us to push ourselves into stressful places we wouldn't have been able to go if it wasn't for them. And being able to accept that the new you may just not be able to handle these situations is a tough pill to swallow. But honestly getting off of these medicines have brought me closer to myself and God. It's humbled me to reach out for help when I need it instead of just feeling like I can tackle everything on my own.

 

Anyways sorry to ramble! Thanks for reaching out! Hope you're doing well.

The thing about the two different people, these drugs giving us extra abilities that feel exciting, but may not be in line with our true selves.  This identity work is the hardest thing.  We have to return to ourselves and cultivate that return, while knowing we had the experience of being several other people over the years.  How unique of a life experience that is.  How trippy, if you will.

[Pollyjay]

Thank you for your rambling! It helps us all.

 

Can you tell us how you built a new support system. My husband and I live in the middle of nowhere. Since our son got his first job and moved to another state ( which is what triggered my problems ( severe panic/anxiety attacks) I'm having to face the fact that I have no close friends or outside social life. We have a farm and I was always content to be home taking care of the animals and homeschooling our son. I feel lost, alone ( husband has to work, sometimes very long hours) and just can't get back into enjoying anything. I know I need to try to get out of my head and involved in something. I'm not young and most people my age seem to be in bad physical shape with multiple health problems. The couple of neighbors I talk to have nothing in common with me at all.  I'm fortunate to be able do what I do but I don't know where to begin to form new friendships. 

[Ariel]

@Kronicles900

How are you doing?

Thinking of you <3

 

[Kronicles900]

@Ariel doing well! Just going through a lot of transitions and life growth moments. How you doing?

[Lilly998]

@Kronicles900

Congratulations for ur new life .. it is really inspiring 🌞🌸

I hope i defeat the zombie mood so soon 💪🌻

When did u healed or seen big improvement?

Were u taking any vitamins during wd 

[Kronicles900]

@Mdawg - I love the way you put this. Thank you for giving me a much more positive way to rephrase it. It's so funny how you can change the impact of a situation (emotionally and physically) just be re-framing your perspective and word choice. Life is definitely a trippy experience. It seems like in the modern day and age we try to remove the trippiness by explaining everything away scientifically or mathematically. Life is dope and trippy for sure! Much love!

[Kronicles900]

@Pollyjay there are so many different ways to build a support system. It sounds like you are focusing on other people your age being in bad physical shape which to me implies you are actually physically pretty healthy. That is a great gift from God. Whenever I am in good health I take it as a sign that God has given me extra energy that day to help those around me. One of the best ways to build a support system is through community out reach. Join a church (even if you don't currently believe in God) and start volunteering. Or you could even go help your neighbors that you say are in bad physical health. Just because someone isn't as "healthy" physically as us doesn't mean they don't have knowledge and love to share with us. Use your gift of energy and freedom from disease to help those that aren't as fortunate. In my opinion we all share something in common, we are alive and living in this day and age. 

 

The last thing I'd share is that the depressed anxiety ridden mind will search long and deep to find excuses not to reach out to others. It will say things like (oh they won't like me, we don't have anything in common, I'm too old/too young/too smart/not smart enough, etc) all in an attempt to keep you depressed. I'm a religious person so excuse me if I begin to use religious terminology to explain things (feel free to replace God with your understanding of universal energy, The Devil with all negative thoughts and emotions). The Devil wants us alone. He wants us afraid and scared, and he wants us to feel like we aren't enough. 

 

When trying to build a community try to let go of your assumptions of what/who it will look like. Also you could look for a gym/workout class near you as well. It's a nice way to at least get out in the community. We enjoy just going to the pool/hot tub at our Local YMCA and Volunteering there as well. 

 

This is what worked for me. I hope it helps in any way!

 

Much Love!

Kronicles900 

[Kronicles900]

@Lilly998

 

Thank you so much! Don't get me wrong, it's still a struggle. There are still days that it's tough to get out of bed, but on those days I celebrate the small wins! I hope you start feeling better soon!

 

You asked when did I see big improvement? It's the same as anything in life, you never really see the "big improvement" until you look back over a long course of time. Because of the fact that you are with yourself every second of every day it's hard to notice the improvements because it's a thousand micro improvements that occur over a long period of time. That's just how life works though. If you ever learned a new skill it wasn't like you just woke up one day a master at it, it was tiny incremental improvements over a long period of time until at one point you realized you were really good at it.

 

There is no vitamin/pill that will fix the withdrawals that I was able to find. But maybe there is one out there.