Healingcontinues

June 13, 2022

Drug history:

zoloft 2015-May 2021 max dose 200mg (3 month fast taper)

lexapro 5mg September 2021-October 2021 (adverse reaction)

I was originally put on medication by a psychiatrist for chronic fatigue, however, over the years I developed anxiety and panic attacks which I had never experienced before and I thought the medication could be to blame. I followed poor tapering advice from a doctor. After several months of horrible symptoms I was told I was ‘relapsing’ for a mental health condition I never had but reacted badly before luckily discovering SA.

Current symptoms: anxiety, test tightness, insomnia/sleep problems, fatigue, brain for, visual snow, gut issues

Symptoms that have improved: panic attacks, akathisia, tachycardia, tremors, fainting, weight loss, muscle twitches, SI, pain over entire body, terribly itchy rashes

Supplements: Magnesium Glycinate, melatonin 0.3mg

June 16, 2022

Hello, and welcome to SA. We are a volunteer-run community of people who have been or are getting off of psychiatric drugs. SSRI drugs tend to activate the nervous system, so your anxiety and panic could very well have been from the Zoloft. Tapering off drugs too fast tends to destabilize our nervous system, which may be why you had the adverse reaction to Lexapro after that. What adverse reaction symptoms did you have when you went on the Lexapro? Were you on it over 4 weeks? Did you go off cold turkey?

Are you or have you been on any other drugs?

Here is some important information about how these drugs actually work. This explains why we get symptoms from going off of these medications, and why it's so important to taper slowly and carefully, and be very cautious about changing our doses:

How Psychiatric Drugs Remodel Your Brain

This helps you understand what withdrawal syndrome is:

Video on Recovery from Psych Drugs

Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

Here is a link with checklists of common WD symptoms:

Dr Joseph Glenmullen Withdrawal Symptom Checklists

Here are some techniques to cope with symptoms:

Non Drug Ways to Cope with Withdrawal Symptoms

Stability is really important when we are tapering off psych meds. Please read the link about stability:

Keep It Simple, Slow, and Stable

We don't suggest many supplements, but 2 that many of us find helpful are magnesium and omega-3 fish oil. Here are the links for info about those. It is suggested to add one at a time, and start with a low dose to see how it affects you.

Magnesium

Omega 3 Fish Oil

Because these drugs caused you a lot of problems, I believe you best bet is to take good care of yourself, and give yourself plenty of time to continue to recover. It sounds like you've had quite a bit of improvement already, which is great. Please do check out the non drug coping skills like - it has quite a few healthy and natural ways to cope with and reduce these symptoms. I have some that have helped me with insomnia:

My Insomnia Tips

Insomnia has been the worst part of WD for me. Here is what I do to help.

1) don't get overly anxious about it. Realize that eventually, your sleep will improve. Insomnia won't kill you, although it can make you pretty dang miserable. Anxiety about sleep just makes the problem worse. I know, easier said than done. I don't always do this, but I try. Practice acceptance.

2)listen to very soft relaxing music at a very low volume.

3)don't worry about what time it is. Don't look at the clock.

4) I try to stay active during the first half of the day. I take a walk (mine is one hour) after breakfast every day. Then, as the day goes on, gradually slow down. Several hours before bed, I only do very relaxing things, like read, or just sit and relax. This helps to set our circadian rhythm. Try to get outside and get some light exposure during the day, too.

5) Avoid toxic, negative people. Avoid stress when possible, although I know a lot of stressors are unavoidable. For me, this can really help me to relax better.

6) I stay away from MSG and aspartame. These are exitotoxins which overstimulate the nervous system. They are in a lot of our modern processed foods. I try to eat more whole and natural, and not as many processed foods. Also avoid processed meats with sodium nitrate, etc , such as hotdogs, ham, bacon, and sausage. These can keep you up at night too.

7) avoid eating large amounts of sugar and processed carbohydrates. This causes your blood glucose to spike up, which causes your pancreas to create insulin to control your blood sugar, which then causes your blood sugar to drop too low, and then your to create adrenaline to try to regulate your blood sugar. Adrenaline keeps you awake because it is an activating hormone.

9) too much sodium (salt) can cause your blood pressure and heart rate to rise, and make it hard to sleep.

Here are some links to help with anxiety:

Emotional Spirals

Acknowledge Accept Float

Music to Calm Anxiety

Breathing Technique for Anxiety

Meditation

"Change the channel" -- dealing with cognitive symptoms

June 20, 2022

Thank you for the lovely welcome @getofflex

I have been reading things on SA for many months now, absorbing as much information as I can and have learnt so much. SA is such a valuable resource and platform with unbelievable information and wisdom. I am happy to be here and appreciate everyone who is involved.

Yes, the Lexapro was a disaster from the get go. From the moment I took it it caused incredible anxiety and insomnia. As you say, I believe my adverse reaction to is was due to my already sensitised nervous system after the already too fast Zoloft taper. It had been a few months where I was taking no antidepressants before the Lexapro fiasco, and I had been miraculously sleeping well up until then.

I was only on the Lexapro for 3 weeks- the first week at 2.5mg, the second at 5mg and the 3rd week 5-2mg (I had such a reaction to it my GP told me stop it in a week and gave me a weeks worth of liquid Lexapro to do this).

During these 3 weeks I was also given diazepam (I have no idea which dose as I was in the worst state of mind at this point), as I was told that this would help me sleep. I took this nightly for 3 weeks, although it did not help me sleep. Once that didn’t work the GP gave me amitriptyline 10mg for 2 weeks to ‘reset’ my sleep. This too did nothing. I therefore also essentially cold turkeyed off these too.

I do not remember exact dates, but I have taken no psychiatric medication of psychoactive substance since October 2021. It has been horrific to say the least, but as you mentioned I am seeing improvements. The following 6 months were nothing short of psychotic and I essentially tried to do what I could to remain out of hospital, despite many people tell me it would be the best place for me to be. How I was not admitted is still beyond me.

Thank you for all the good tips for insomnia. I have been doing most of these already, after haven read it on here. My sleep is still hugely unpredictable and these are several nights a week that I lie awake. A good night now is 5-6hrs, a bad night 3-4hrs, a terrible one total insomnia… however 4-5 hours seems to be the norm. I did, to my amazement have a wonderful 7 hour sleep a few nights ago for the first time in a year. I have to say that I am discouraged that my sleep would be so poor this far out.

Acceptance that this is the way that life will be for some time, reading the information/successes on here, and noticing that certain symptoms have dropped off the ridiculously drawn out list that I had seems to be the only thing that has carried me through to this point… despite doing so with very little grace for the most part.

I had a question about the use of melatonin actually that I couldn’t seem to find on the melatonin topic. Is this something that your body can become dependent on? Will your pineal glad stop producing its own melatonin after prolonged use? And is this something that will also have to be tapered off? I have read a lot of conflicting advice online, and wonder what SA’s take is on this?

Thank you for the support and for holding the space for all members.

Take care.

June 20, 2022

@Healingcontinues Welcome to SA. It is so good to hear you had enough fortitude to stay out of the hospital. The courage to hold strong and try to heal from your temporary chemical brain injury. You are doing remarkably,You did such a fast taper of Zoloft and start, stop some more drugs and using a benzo for 3 weeks...

Here is a great story I think you might find helpful What is Happening in Your Brainhttp://What is happening in your brain?

I have it printed out to go back to help remind me my craziness has a reason---- Well at least some of it LOL :blink:

On 6/13/2022 at 4:20 AM, Healingcontinues said:

was originally put on medication by a psychiatrist for chronic fatigue, however, over the years I developed anxiety and panic attacks which I had never experienced before and I thought the medication could be to blame. I followed poor tapering advice from a doctor. After several months of horrible symptoms I was told I was ‘relapsing’ for a mental health condition I never had but reacted badly before luckily discovering SA.

Why on earth do they put people on ssri for fatigue. Maybe a good blood workup to see if there is a lack of natural mineral, vitamins, hormones. I mean a thorough blood work up-specialists.

You should watch this interview with Robert Whitaker author of Anatomy of a Epidemic

https://youtu.be/5VBXWdhabuQ

Sounds like your drug was causing the anxiety and panic issues. And the "New Mental Illness" was from the WD 🙄

Here is a link about taper and Withdrawal with Mark Horowitz

https://youtu.be/PSjYH044-2Q

Hang in there♥️

Read Your Drugs Might Be Your Problem by Peter Breggin and David Cohen

😊

June 21, 2022

Thanks for your welcome and all the information @Greatful😊

I’ve seen most of those videos but will be sure to look at the ones I haven’t so thank you for those too.

I recently read the following books which were all terribly sad, but also inspiring. They gave me much hope for the human capacity of resilience and strength.

- Baylissa Frederick: recovery and renewal

- Matt Samet: death grip

- Beverley Thomson: antidepressed

I am hugely shocked with how much research and evidence there is, yet so many people in the position of prescribing either do not know about, or have ever been taught the contrary… or are in denial of course.

I found the following document quite distressing. You would hope that the British parliament would do more with the anecdotal evidence brought forward, especially seeing the figures on antidepressant use during covid.

http://prescribeddrug.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/10/APPG-PDD-Survey-of-antidepressant-withdrawal-experiences.pdf

I hope that you are doing as best as can be in your healing journey @Greatful. You are in my thoughts today ❤️

June 21, 2022

Today I find myself bored. I’ve been sitting with these feelings all morning pondering about where they are coming from. Am I seeing glimpses of my old self returning? A few months ago boredom never visited my consciousness as that was chaotically crowded with thoughts of survival. Am I simply just fed up of this tedious, monotonous reality that has been going on for over a year? Perhaps my distraction manual has maybe become a bit repetitive and I should try and push the boundaries a bit more. What is that triggers a wave, more symptoms, or a set back…Oh hey there fear and ‘what ifs’ thoughts… I guess you’re still here too. I imagine it like life is a tight rope that we are all tip toeing on right now- one side healing, the other withdrawal, all trying to apprehensively keep moving forward.

Anyway, I’m bored of it and craving a life of adventure and spontaneity. Accept. *yawn and sigh*.

June 21, 2022

15 hours ago, Healingcontinues said:

The following 6 months were nothing short of psychotic and I essentially tried to do what I could to remain out of hospital,

It's a good thing you kept yourself out of the hospital, as they quite likely would have just thrown more drugs at you, and put you back on the drug carousel.

15 hours ago, Healingcontinues said:

A good night now is 5-6hrs, a bad night 3-4hrs, a terrible one total insomnia… however 4-5 hours seems to be the norm.

Your sleep will slowly improve. Mine has, and I am a Lexapro veteran myself. Lexapro is a hell of a powerful drug - 2x to 4x stronger, milligram per milligram, than other SSRI's.

15 hours ago, Healingcontinues said:

Acceptance that this is the way that life will be for some time, reading the information/successes on here, and noticing that certain symptoms have dropped off the ridiculously drawn out list that I had seems to be the only thing that has carried me through to this point… despite doing so with very little grace for the most part.

From what you write here, it sounds like you are very strong and resolute, and are handling this thing quite well.

15 hours ago, Healingcontinues said:

I had a question about the use of melatonin actually that I couldn’t seem to find on the melatonin topic. Is this something that your body can become dependent on? Will your pineal glad stop producing its own melatonin after prolonged use? And is this something that will also have to be tapered off? I have read a lot of conflicting advice online, and wonder what SA’s take is on this?

I honestly don't know. My husband, a retired pharmacist, doesn't think our bodies stop producing melatonin even if we take it. I'm not sure about tapering off of it.

Keep it up, I think you are doing great. Please keep it touch.

June 21, 2022

Something to note about sleep: today is the summer solstice, the longest day of the year for those of us in the northern hemisphere, which I believe you are. I notice my sleep worsens at this time of the year, because the days are so long, and the nights are short. Our bodies need darkness to produce melatonin, so it is harder to get a good night's sleep.

June 21, 2022

3 hours ago, getofflex said:

From what you write here, it sounds like you are very strong and resolute, and are handling this thing quite well.

I think I needed the ‘evidence’ of healing to get me to this space and to be able to trust the process. It’s only now that I am not in the 24/7 terror that I feel that I have the capacity to engage in SA without just being an onlooker. So a big thank you from 9-month-ago me too for all the help from everyone on here too.

3 hours ago, getofflex said:

Your sleep will slowly improve. Mine has, and I am a Lexapro veteran myself. Lexapro is a hell of a powerful drug

This is encouraging to know. I am so sorry you have/had to go through this too. You have my upmost admiration for plodding on with it yourself, and helping hundreds of others along the way. Kudos to you.

3 hours ago, getofflex said:

Something to note about sleep: today is the summer solstice, the longest day of the year for those of us in the northern hemisphere, which I believe you are. I notice my sleep worsens at this time of the year, because the days are so long, and the nights are short. Our bodies need darkness to produce melatonin, so it is harder to get a good night's sleep.

Happy summer solstice! The longest day of the year, but aren’t they all in withdrawal eh? 😁

June 21, 2022

26 minutes ago, Healingcontinues said:

The longest day of the year, but aren’t they all in withdrawal eh? 😁

Lol! Nice one, @Healingcontinues -- indeed

June 21, 2022

@Healingcontinues

4 hours ago, Healingcontinues said:

I am hugely shocked with how much research and evidence there is, yet so many people in the position of prescribing either do not know about, or have ever been taught the contrary… or are in denial of course.

I have no words to explain their ignorance. Someday I would like to have a conversation with my new Psychic doc and see how much she understands Withdrawal, what is adverse effect, could the drug be causing mental, physical issues, how many of her patients did she tell when they are trying to taper off or even when dose changes "their mental issues are coming back" or they now have a " new mental issue" that is showing up. What about the drug poop out- oh yeah they just need to a add a new drug to boost the one they are on. Does it ever cross their mind that they should get off the drug that's not working.....It's not working how much more simple is that.

I have Baylissa's book Recovery and Renewal. I look through it off and on. The reminders are helpful. Have you been to her website?

The mod's might want you to put your diazepam and amitriptyline in your signature. This shows a start-stop of the drugs and can be a factor in your WD symptoms.

Have a good day🤗

June 23, 2022

@Healingcontinues

So nice to have you here. I enjoy reading your posts.

How are you going?

I've noticed your question about melatonin here and elsewhere. Before I started taking it I shared your concern about possible dependency. I also looked for info that could unequivocally confirm or deny and had trouble finding anything.

Ultimately I decided to go ahead with trying melatonin. I have confidence in Altostrata's writing on the topic, trusting that Alto's research is so meticulous, with such a robust knowledge base and profound lived experience. I figured that if it could help decisively now, a minor risk around the unknown is worth it.

At this point I've been taking 2mg melatonin at bedtime regularly for about 7 months, give or take. It's made a world of difference. It doesn't solve/fix/cure WD insomnia but it allows me to reliably fall asleep at a reasonable hour and get an average of 3-4 hours a night. I'm guessing you can appreciate what an improvement this has been. (Reading through your thread what you describe as your good, bad, and normal sleep averages sound very similar to mine.) More than anything the predictability/stability that melatonin offers is very welcome. There are still nights once in a while where I barely sleep, due to a wave or general WD mystery, but when it's so rare it feels more manageable.

I no longer worry about the dependency/tolerance issue. For now it's so helpful and I'm just glad there's something to make sleep a bit easier. I don't know how long WD is going to last (and I try not to think about it), but even if it takes another couple of years of melatonin use for my sleep to normalize, I'm okay with that. I haven't noticed any related side/adverse effects. If I need to taper farther down the line I'll deal with that when the time comes.

Are you still feeling bored and needing new entries for your distraction manual? How about distracting by sharing your distraction manual? I am imagining a weathered, leather-bound notebook and would love to get a peek inside, if you feel like sharing. (No pressure.)

Healing is happening <3

A.

June 28, 2022

Hi @Ariel,

Thank you for popping by to say hello I am sorry for the late reply- It's been a mixture of not finding the momentum to do it (the chore of getting the laptop out as I hate writing on my phone, and not having the 'umph' the last few days, for lack of better words). Such a paradox really- my last post being about boredom and all. The mental and physical fatigue has been really tough the last few days, and I feel like I am constantly walking through tar with an extra 100kilos. Or that I'm a pack mule in the desert carrying all my 'WD baggage". I'm exhausted.

On 6/23/2022 at 12:31 PM, Ariel said:

Ultimately I decided to go ahead with trying melatonin. I have confidence in Altostrata's writing on the topic, trusting that Alto's research is so meticulous, with such a robust knowledge base and profound lived experience. I figured that if it could help decisively now, a minor risk around the unknown is worth it.

This is what i settled on too. If it can help to get some rest so that I can deal with all the other WD stuff easier, then so be it for now.

On 6/23/2022 at 12:31 PM, Ariel said:

If I need to taper farther down the line I'll deal with that when the time comes.

Exactly. We shall cross this bridge when if and when it comes. I do really miss sleep though haha!

On 6/23/2022 at 12:31 PM, Ariel said:

Are you still feeling bored and needing new entries for your distraction manual? How about distracting by sharing your distraction manual? I am imagining a weathered, leather-bound notebook and would love to get a peek inside, if you feel like sharing

I feel like a right cliche as my manual (diary) is in fact a weathered, leather-bound notebook It's a notebook I got from my Grandmother many many years ago but never used as I felt it needed to be saved for something profound...and apparently this experience seemed adequate. I remember when I was freshly off the drugs having these enormous outpours of emotions and memories, and thinking that these needed to be put down on paper.

Now that I can physically do more I like to go for a walk and do a meditation each day. Several times a week I will do yoga- I've been doing yoga for many years already and have really been try deepen my knowledge of this a lot the last few months, exploring different lineages and reading many books about buddhism. I've gotten into gardening this year and am now the proud owner of a herb/veggie garden, and yesterday I planted 8 sunflowers. Remarkably/ridiculously, in the worst of withdrawal, I bought a new house with my partner. This needed a LOT of work done to it. In the beginning I was not interested in the slightest and too incapacitated to do anything.....there have been many very questionable design/interior choices made during this time that I now look at and go 'what was I thinking'. So the last few months I have been re-painting the painting, and trying to create even a little bit of cohesion in the house. Luckily, we have had very few visitors in the last half year as I feel I'm not ready for that yet. I've been reading a lot, doing a bit of research, and I am currently doing an online course from Gabor Mate. It might sound like a lot, but it really isn't and for many hours of the day I sit at home alone asking 'now what?'. But, compared to 6 months ago this is a different life, and I am thankful for that at least.

I hope you have had a relatively good few days @Ariel. I will pop over to your feed and have a look there. Hugs to you!

June 28, 2022

Meditation companion for today. Grateful for this.

June 28, 2022

@Healingcontinues

What a gorgeous creature, thank you so much for sharing this photo!

17 minutes ago, Healingcontinues said:

The mental and physical fatigue has been really tough the last few days, and I feel like I am constantly walking through tar with an extra 100kilos. Or that I'm a pack mule in the desert carrying all my 'WD baggage". I'm exhausted.

You describe this so well. Oof. I'm sorry.

How are you finding the melatonin, if you've already begun?

18 minutes ago, Healingcontinues said:

Now that I can physically do more I like to go for a walk and do a meditation each day. Several times a week I will do yoga- I've been doing yoga for many years already and have really been try deepen my knowledge of this a lot the last few months, exploring different lineages and reading many books about buddhism. I've gotten into gardening this year and am now the proud owner of a herb/veggie garden, and yesterday I planted 8 sunflowers. Remarkably/ridiculously, in the worst of withdrawal, I bought a new house with my partner. This needed a LOT of work done to it. In the beginning I was not interested in the slightest and too incapacitated to do anything.....there have been many very questionable design/interior choices made during this time that I now look at and go 'what was I thinking'. So the last few months I have been re-painting the painting, and trying to create even a little bit of cohesion in the house. Luckily, we have had very few visitors in the last half year as I feel I'm not ready for that yet. I've been reading a lot, doing a bit of research, and I am currently doing an online course from Gabor Mate. It might sound like a lot, but it really isn't and for many hours of the day I sit at home alone asking 'now what?'. But, compared to 6 months ago this is a different life, and I am thankful for that at least.

Thank you for sharing this.

Congratulations on your garden! Beautiful work.

This all does sound like a lot, incidentally, but then again most anything sounds like a lot to me. I still don't do much.

I appreciate your sharing, it's inspiring.

Hopefully also when you look at it you can see how strong you are with everything you're able to manage.

And one day you'll look back at this and marvel that you're able to do more!

Sending you hugs, and wishes for relief, peace, healing <3

A.

June 28, 2022

6 hours ago, Ariel said:

How are you finding the melatonin, if you've already begun?

So I’ve been sticking with it for about 2 months now. I can’t really say if it’s making much of a difference, or if sleep would have naturally improved on its on. It does usually make me sleepy, but doesn’t necessarily mean I’ve been falling asleep quicker. I haven’t had any odd side effects from it that I know of though which is positive. I will stick with it.

6 hours ago, Ariel said:

This all does sound like a lot, incidentally, but then again most anything sounds like a lot to me. I still don't do much.

It did for me too when I wrote it down. I’ve been doing more that I probably give myself credit for. I remember going to see the new house last September with my partner and having severe akathisia… literally running though the viewing trying to get it over with. Then back in November having an appointment at a kitchen company and having to rush to the bathroom to pop a benzo because I couldn’t sit still and was on the verge of a panic attack. I wasn’t sleeping at all at the time- People must have thought I was sick and insane! I sure as heck felt it.

7 hours ago, Ariel said:

Sending you hugs, and wishes for relief, peace, healing ❤️

Thank you, dear. Today was a better day 💕

June 30, 2022

From reading the last few posts, it sounds as though you are definitely having healing and improvements! It sounds like you are doing some great things, with the walking, gardening, taking the online course etc. Keep up the good work.

July 1, 2022

1st of July 2022

Another month, another chapter of this horrible process behind me. I feel like this month there has been a bit of a plateau in healing, compared to the last few where I could slowly see things improving each passing month.

I have been reflecting a lot on 'what he h*ll happened', and do believe that I had a serious adverse reaction, and perhaps even a kindling effect, from the lexapro last year. I should have stopped immediately, but was told and honestly believed it would relieve the zoloft withdrawal. It causes so many other problems: complete insomnia, akathesia, SI, tremors, visual disturbances, panic attacks, a resting heart rate of 130bmp which sent me to the hospital, cognitive impairment, coordination/balance issues... all in 3 horrible horrible weeks. Hindsight sucks. Drugs really suck.

This last week anxiety, chest tightness and palpitations have been much stronger again. The week prior was riddled with terrible fatigue. It really seems like it one or the other at the moment. My sleep has also been worse- approx 4 hours per night. I do notice that my sleep comes in cycles where I have 10 days of relatively ok sleep (5-6 hours), then a week of terrible sleep again. Last night I went to bed at 23:00 and didn't drift off until around 04:00, and woke 06:00. My partner tried to comfort me yesterday with something along the lines of "you can use the time awake to do things you like- read, meditate, watch movies etc", and I just felt pure rage towards him. No...it's 04:00 in the flipping morning and all I want to do is blooming sleep! In moments like that positivity and optimism are not welcomed.

When I do feel like I am about to nod off I keep getting shocked awake again/experience a falling sensation, and the anxiety and palpitations kick in. Is this what is known as hypnic jerks? Is there anything that can help with this, other than time?

My hair is still falling out like crazy. I think in the last year I have lost 50%, if not more of my hair. It is definitely falling out at the root, strands EVERYWHERE, and I have blocked the shower twice this week (although YAY for 2 washes in one week!). I didn't have myself down as someone who would be so attached to their hair, but I have to say I feel really down about it. I have bald spots and it is making me insecure. I have been putting off going to get a haircut for half a year already, even though it so thin and stagily, and in dire need of some maintenance work. I am just embarrassed what a hairdresser would think. I really hope that the falling stalls soon and baby hairs start to grow. I have 'given up' appearance wise in many ways- nothing matters much when you don't have your health. Everything else just seems so insignificant and trivial.

Now that the weather is getting warmer I'm noticing how sensitive I still am. The heat makes me so lethargic, and I burn really easily which I never used to do. The brighter days seem to make my eye-floaters worse and I am blinking non-stop. Sunglasses don't seem to help much, and make my eyes water a lot which is quite bizzare.

Anhedonia seems to come and go. I have had several days this month where I've gotten completely overwhelmed by it all and all I could so is wail all day. I try to just let it out on these days and allow the feelings of rage, resentment, desolation and jealousy surface. I told my partner yesterday that the anxiety was particularly bad and he asked 'but what are you anxious about?'... I just said I don't know. I didn't have the energy to tell him yet again that the anxiety I feel isn't from my thoughts, but from a drug that I took many months ago already, windows and waves etc...He does his best to support me and comprehend, which I am so grateful for (I feel so deeply for the ones who have to endure this alone), but he cannot understand or recognise in the way that members on here can. So thank you, from the bottom of my heart, to all who have offered me kindness, encouragement, nurturance, reassurance, and this space. I am forever grateful.

Big love to all.

July 1, 2022

@Healingcontinues

Congrats on making it through another month. It's crazy how the days sometimes can be long and slow but the weeks go by fast. :blink:

Your story starts out similar to mine. A to fast a taper and then drug trials. Just like you I tried to make the Lexapro work.

I wish I would have taken the chance of a added WD and just stopped it after the month of trying to make it work. Held at 5mg and was totally miserable. Now stuck on tapering off. What a nightmare.

3 hours ago, Healingcontinues said:

My partner tried to comfort me yesterday with something along the lines of "you can use the time awake to do things you like- read, meditate, watch movies etc", and I just felt pure rage towards him. No...it's 04:00 in the flipping morning and all I want to do is blooming sleep! In moments like that positivity and optimism are not welcomed.

I can so relate, they may feel like they are helping by making suggestions when all you really need is validation and emotional support. This has to be hard on them too. Watching someone they love hurting and there isn't anything they can do to fix it.

When I talk about how I am feeling i.e depressed, angery, panicky my hubby is good at calmly pointing out," that's just for right now", or "it will pass". This has been going on for sooooo longgggg that he is right the moods and symptoms are always on the move, still sometimes I'm not sure if I want to punch him or agree with him. Depending on my mood It's almost a comfort at times when he says it, it's like it is a affirmation/reminder that, yes this will pass, or at least not be as intense OR anger, resentment that they just don't understand that you just want to feel good or at least functional. Yeah the symptoms might move around, intensify and lighten up but never fully go away.😒

3 hours ago, Healingcontinues said:

I have 'given up' appearance wise in many ways- nothing matters much when you don't have your health. Everything else just seems so insignificant and trivial.

Thank you for sharing this. I can't seem to find the energy to shower. Yesterday I showered and my hair was tangled so I just left it , let it dry natural LOL and combed my bangs. I have shoulder length hair. Sadly my house is suffering the same way.😓 My goal is to make it through each day.

Is that a picture of your horse? My sister had horses when I was young, I did a lot of riding. I use to think (before this nightmare) I should find a horse barn to volunteer just to be around them. Now I just don't know if I would have the energy to. I would love to hear more about your horse.

You can do this one day at a time.♥️

July 1, 2022

9 hours ago, Healingcontinues said:

This last week anxiety, chest tightness and palpitations have been much stronger again. The week prior was riddled with terrible fatigue. It really seems like it one or the other at the moment. My sleep has also been worse- approx 4 hours per night. I do notice that my sleep comes in cycles where I have 10 days of relatively ok sleep (5-6 hours), then a week of terrible sleep again

Our symptoms do tend to morph and change as we recover. And, it sounds like you are experiencing the common windows and waves pattern of recovery. I understand the frustration with not sleeping - that was my worst symptom. I gave you insomnia tips in a prior post. Here is SA's link on insomnia:

Tips to Help Us Sleep - Withdrawal Insomnia

9 hours ago, Healingcontinues said:

I've gotten completely overwhelmed by it all and all I could so is wail all day. I try to just let it out on these days and allow the feelings of rage, resentment, desolation and jealousy surface.

I think it is good that you are letting your feelings out. I know I was trained as a child to repress my feelings, which led to depression, which led to these nasty drugs.

Please realize that this situation, as awful as it is, will not go on forever. Eventually it will get better, very gradually, in fits and starts. Have you read any of the success stories? Go to the homepage, about halfway down.

July 2, 2022

Dear @Grateful

Thank you for reading my update and for your lovely words. It helps so much having people 'hear' you throughout this. We all know how lonely it can be dealing with this whole thing in just your own head. Often mine feels so full of WD that it is very therapeutic to spill it all out on here, and when other's chime in with support and understanding it is very comforting. So thank you for that ❤️

20 hours ago, Greatful said:

I can so relate, they may feel like they are helping by making suggestions when all you really need is validation and emotional support. This has to be hard on them too.

Absolutely. I have seen the toll that this has had on him too. His life has also been put on hold because of this whole thing. I feel deep sadness for that, and extremely responsible. In the beginning when I lost all sense of self and was in the worst of if I really thought he should just leave. He didn't ask for any of this, he deserves better, and I could not give any answers of how long it would take for him to have his partner back in the sway that he knows it. Yet he chose to stand by me, and I am in awe of his commitment, loyalty, selflessness, and love. His parents really do not understand it and keep saying things like "but you are both young and this should be the time of your lives". I had to take a real step back from all that because it only made me more upset. As if I had some choice in the way that I feel, and that loosing so much because of WD: house, career, friends, a life, was something that I should just be able to snap out of. Sigh.

20 hours ago, Greatful said:

Depending on my mood It's almost a comfort at times when he says it, it's like it is a affirmation/reminder that, yes this will pass, or at least not be as intense OR anger, resentment that they just don't understand that you just want to feel good or at least functional.

I am really happy that he is able to do this for you. Those simple reminders and reassurance are so powerful, and can really help to pull you out of that pit sometimes. Bless him.

20 hours ago, Greatful said:

Yesterday I showered and my hair was tangled so I just left it , let it dry natural LOL and combed my bangs.

I am sure you still looked great- tangled hair and combed bangs for the win yesterday! It's a miracle i don't have birds nesting in mine yet...to be fair I would enjoy the company ha!

20 hours ago, Greatful said:

s that a picture of your horse? My sister had horses when I was young, I did a lot of riding. I use to think (before this nightmare) I should find a horse barn to volunteer just to be around them. Now I just don't know if I would have the energy to. I would love to hear more about your horse.

It is. He is a 6 year old Arabian and his name is Zafir (Zaffy). He is lovely and has a hilarious character. I've had many horses in my life and used to ride competitively. Now I just do it for the fun, and because I find being around them extremely healing. I was actually shadowing an equine therapist before WD for a while, as I was thinking about getting qualified in it. If you are able to find a stables/animal shelter where you can volunteer that could be wonderful. A lot of these places are used to volunteers going through their 'stuff', so you probably wouldn't be obliged to commit to anything like a strict schedule. I personally get so much out of just being around my animals- we have many! It clears my head, lets me connect with nature, and it is good exercise. Animals are extremely intuitive to others' pain and suffering, let you be just as you are without an agenda (unless it's feeding time!), and offer unconditional love.

They are also fantastic mirrors- Zaffy wouldn't catch the other day when I was extremely grumpy/fed up. Instead of getting p*ssed at him I took a step back and thought about how I was showing up. I wasn't in a good space- why should he want to hang out with me, i'd be cr@p company.

Do you have any animals, @Grateful? If so, I would love to hear about them.

Big hug to you.

July 2, 2022

An unlikely duo, but still best of friends.

July 2, 2022

2 minutes ago, Healingcontinues said:

Dear @Grateful

Thank you for reading my update and for your lovely words. It helps so much having people 'hear' you throughout this. We all know how lonely it can be dealing with this whole thing in just your own head. Often mine feels so full of WD that it is very therapeutic to spill it all out on here, and when other's chime in with support and understanding it is very comforting. So thank you for that ❤️

Absolutely. I have seen the toll that this has had on him too. His life has also been put on hold because of this whole thing. I feel deep sadness for that, and extremely responsible. In the beginning when I lost all sense of self and was in the worst of if I really thought he should just leave. He didn't ask for any of this, he deserves better, and I could not give any answers of how long it would take for him to have his partner back in the sway that he knows it. Yet he chose to stand by me, and I am in awe of his commitment, loyalty, selflessness, and love. His parents really do not understand it and keep saying things like "but you are both young and this should be the time of your lives". I had to take a real step back from all that because it only made me more upset. As if I had some choice in the way that I feel, and that loosing so much because of WD: house, career, friends, a life, was something that I should just be able to snap out of. Sigh.

I am really happy that he is able to do this for you. Those simple reminders and reassurance are so powerful, and can really help to pull you out of that pit sometimes. Bless him.

I am sure you still looked great- tangled hair and combed bangs for the win yesterday! It's a miracle i don't have birds nesting in mine yet...to be fair I would enjoy the company ha!

It is. He is a 6 year old Arabian and his name is Zafir (Zaffy). He is lovely and has a hilarious character. I've had many horses in my life and used to ride competitively. Now I just do it for the fun, and because I find being around them extremely healing. I was actually shadowing an equine therapist before WD for a while, as I was thinking about getting qualified in it. If you are able to find a stables/animal shelter where you can volunteer that could be wonderful. A lot of these places are used to volunteers going through their 'stuff', so you probably wouldn't be obliged to commit to anything like a strict schedule. I personally get so much out of just being around my animals- we have many! It clears my head, lets me connect with nature, and it is good exercise. Animals are extremely intuitive to others' pain and suffering, let you be just as you are without an agenda (unless it's feeding time!), and offer unconditional love.

They are also fantastic mirrors- Zaffy wouldn't catch the other day when I was extremely grumpy/fed up. Instead of getting p*ssed at him I took a step back and thought about how I was showing up. I wasn't in a good space- why should he want to hang out with me, i'd be cr@p company.

Do you have any animals, @Grateful? If so, I would love to hear about them.

Big hug to you.

@GreatfulI just realised I tagged you wrong. Apologies!

July 4, 2022

Hi @Healingcontinues

Thank you for your update and for sharing photos and stories of your animals. It's wonderful to read about them.

On 7/1/2022 at 12:00 PM, Healingcontinues said:

When I do feel like I am about to nod off I keep getting shocked awake again/experience a falling sensation, and the anxiety and palpitations kick in. Is this what is known as hypnic jerks? Is there anything that can help with this, other than time?

Yes, these sound like hypnic jerks. I used to get them a lot, earlier in WD. Very rarely happens anymore.

Have you seen this? Hypnic jerks

I can't say anything in particular helped the hypnic jerks other than time. Thinking aloud I wonder whether magnesium supplementation may have had a positive impact, as I drink it before bed and find it calming (in addition magnesium is good for muscle cramps and restless legs). Magnesium certainly helps with many other things, among them WD PMS. It's the one supplement from which I've observed clear benefits, no undesired effects. I use this powdered kind, dissolve in water and sip throughout the day.

On 7/1/2022 at 12:00 PM, Healingcontinues said:

My hair is still falling out like crazy. I think in the last year I have lost 50%, if not more of my hair. It is definitely falling out at the root, strands EVERYWHERE, and I have blocked the shower twice this week (although YAY for 2 washes in one week!). I didn't have myself down as someone who would be so attached to their hair, but I have to say I feel really down about it. I have bald spots and it is making me insecure. I have been putting off going to get a haircut for half a year already, even though it so thin and stagily, and in dire need of some maintenance work. I am just embarrassed what a hairdresser would think. I really hope that the falling stalls soon and baby hairs start to grow. I have 'given up' appearance wise in many ways- nothing matters much when you don't have your health. Everything else just seems so insignificant and trivial.

I went through a hair loss phase. It drove me up the wall to have so much hair littering the floors and reminding me of illness. I ended up cutting my own hair several times (as I didn't care, really, appearance-wise) and eventually got an extremely short haircut, almost shaved head. Cutting my own hair and also going really, really super short was empowering (and if you do it in the summer it feels divine). This also relieved some of the psychological aspect of being confronted with the visual of longer hairs everywhere. I had also been feeling a lot of scalp tightness and constriction, as though I could feel the weight of longer hair. Ponytails were a no-go. Cutting it short relieved some of this as well (placebo or no, who cares? whatever works). The hair loss issue has mostly resolved, I think I'm at a more normal level of hair loss now. I am still feeling pretty detached from my physical appearance, which may be a combination of DP/DR and also a defensive/self-protective mechanism of sorts.

On 7/1/2022 at 12:00 PM, Healingcontinues said:

Now that the weather is getting warmer I'm noticing how sensitive I still am. The heat makes me so lethargic, and I burn really easily which I never used to do. The brighter days seem to make my eye-floaters worse and I am blinking non-stop. Sunglasses don't seem to help much, and make my eyes water a lot which is quite bizzare.

I hear you.

Drugs can increase skin photosensitivity; this effect may last for a while. Good that you're noticing and thus able to take precautions.

I'm also not loving the heat and brightness of summer. Sometimes eye drops (OTC, non-medicated) help alleviate the worst discomfort. Mostly I stay out of the sunlight as much as possible. Overall, though, this stuff is getting better, too. Cold showers help with temperature regulation, I find. I keep having to remind myself of this simple, effective, inexpensive, non-invasive remedy. It's pretty amazing how powerful and beneficial cold water can be, with all sorts of symptoms. I forget this all the time.

Thank you for sharing about your notebook. Sounds like you have found the perfect use for this beautiful gift from your grandmother. Perhaps a meaningful way to anchor current experience in connection and relationship?

I feel very grateful that you're here, Healingcontinues. Your compassionate voice and supportive messages make a difference. Thank you for your kindness.

With love to you and your animals, sending wishes of peace and healing vibes,

A.

July 19, 2022

@Healingcontinues

Thinking of you, sending healing vibes <3

July 27, 2022

@Ariel your lovely words are so nice to see . You must be a very special person

July 28, 2022

On 7/19/2022 at 8:44 AM, Ariel said:

@Healingcontinues

Thinking of you, sending healing vibes ❤️

Thank you. Thinking of you everyday too dear friend. Even though I haven’t been active on here for a few weeks (the surf has been messy in the sea of WD) you have been on my mind daily. I hope you are doing ok ❤️

July 29, 2022

Thank you, dear @Healingcontinues

19 hours ago, Healingcontinues said:

Even though I haven’t been active on here for a few weeks (the surf has been messy in the sea of WD) you have been on my mind daily. I hope you are doing ok ❤️

Paddling right alongside you, trying to ride the waves as well as I can. It ain't pretty but I'm getting through the days somehow.

A while ago I actually tried watching a couple of surfing documentaries in the hopes of subliminal inspiration via metaphor and osmotic/vicarious learning facilitating neurogenesis.

Only half joking; wishful thinking takes on a whole new urgency when fueled by neuro-desperation.

Spoiler alert: those videos have not turned me into a surfer nor have they cured me of WD.

Nevertheless, the nature footage was beautiful and calming to behold, and it always feels good to admire humans doing amazing things.

Also, watching movies and series helps pass the time, which is not nothing.

Sending kind wishes to you and your family of two-legged and four-legged creatures, hugs and healing vibes <3

August 21, 2022

@Healingcontinues

Thank you so much for your kind message in my thread.

What a gift you have given me <3

I feel a little safer, a little more protected.

That means a lot <3

How are you, dear Healing?

Healingcontinues

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