☼ Skybert: needs help - delayed onset Lexapro withdrawal

[tezza]

 I obsess a lot about my condition now. Wonder if I ever will feel normal again. Or do I even know what normal is anymore. I miss feeling real joy, love and peace. I can still act as myself around people but I feel so dead inside and everything seems so off. I have not felt my normal self for a long time now. It scares me. Even though I had a window it never gave me the "I'm back!" feeling. That feeling seems to be slipping more and more. I guess I could blame that somewhat on the meds to. But I felt more of the clarity every now and then when I was not this far in the process, so I question it a lot now. Am I getting worse or better? It's hard to tell. I just hope and wish I will get there. I'm done for today!To be continued... Laters:)

This was me for a long time! Even though I've felt much, much better since August, I didn't feel completely back. Today I have! I've had so much motivation, I've made pain an issue! I'm proof, it does get better with time, the length of time varies.

[Needmylifeback]

 

There is no clear pattern in anything. Most of my physical bodily symptoms are gone though.The emotional symptoms are really strong now. Powerful and crippling! To the point I get really agitated and can't stay still cause it hurts. They are totally irrational to. Like i can't accept the fact that I'm alive and time passage and all kinds off weird stuff. This is stuff that bothered me earlier when I first started on the meds but not with this kind of power. It feels like my brain is banging itself against a wall. I almost went to the ER because of it.Concerned it's causing permanent damage. Emotions that physically hurts this much is new to me. I'm pretty calm now but my brain feels like pounded beef and it could start again at anytime. Scared.. can anyone relate? advice?I use 2.5mg escitalopram now btw.

I can relate to every single word you say. You describe very well feelings that are difficult to describe. Yes, I relate about how hard it is to accept being alive and the passage of time, I have felt that often, it was strong in early withdrawal. And emotions that hurt physically, absolutely, that still happens to me from time to time but rarely.Everything you describe I have heard hundreds of people describe as well, both here on this forum and on other forums. What you are describing is absolutely typical of psychiatric drug withdrawal. Don't worry about that, you are normal.It sounds like you are getting some improvement of the physical symptoms from your reinstatement, which is a good sign. It might be good to stop and hold at 2.5 or 3.0, hold that dose for a week or two and see how things change and develop.At this point it's very important to keep a record of your symptoms and your dosages. Every day write down what dose you took and at what time, and rank your symptoms of that day on a scale of 1 to 5, 1 being no symptoms at all (which is not likely) and 5 being the worse you have ever felt yet. That record can be very valuable as you try to decide if the reinstatement is working for you and at what point you may want to begin to taper. (Not for many months yet!)I'm glad you're here. Welcome. You will get better, it will be better.

[Needmylifeback]

I wanted to echo the importance of recording what you experience day to day as it happens, both physically and emotionally. I have used a variety of methods. One that's worked well for me consistently is buying a planner that shows the month on two facing pages, while each week is show by day on two facing pages per week. It's enough room to write without being too much to carry around.

 

Good luck with your journey!!

[skybert]

Yeah I do keep track but I'm a control freak and a perfectionist so I try to limit what I write down (or else I would not be able to do anything else:P)

Record the major events and let that be enough. Reading back on the forum also helps.

 

It's still very hard how the everchanging symptoms can scare me so badly. It seems like there is always something new and there is never a good solid foundation to look back at when the next big "thing" strikes. It rocks my confidence and makes me second guess everything and feel like back to square one or even worse at times. Like the old stuff was just a prelude to the even worse stuff coming. 

Today was a pretty weird day with new weird feelings, dizziness and a very weird headache that rocks me badly every 5 minutes and scare me badly. It's like a weird pain that shoots from my left side inside my mouth and up in to my brain. And it makes me clench my teeth and feeling faint.It's new and I have never felt anything like it and having a real hard time to explain and I am not able to in Norwegian either. Frustrating stuff...Oh well:)

 

Emotionally I'm also very weird and feel really out of it. But as always there really is nothing I can do about any of this stuff and as long as it doesn't kill me I should be okay eventually.. someday.. 

 

Just needed to write something.

Laters:)

[bubble]

always nice to hear from you!

 

You put it sooo nicely-as long as it doesn't kill me, it should be ok eventually.

 

well, it's definitely not going to kill us and we will be ok!

 

I also feel ups and downs but slowly moving forward with every wave the same despair kicks in...

 

But we are hanging in there...

 

Lots of love,

bubble

[skybert]

Thanks bubble:) always nice to hear from you! There is something I can do though. I usually lie down on the floor with a pillow. Then I make a joke about my misery to the people around me. And try to smile or laugh even when It's very hard.

How are you? (complicated question I know;) ) 

[bubble]

your sense of humour is amazing!even under these circumstances

 

and thanks a lot for asking. I'm better (overall a long stressful period is behind me, my boyfriend was away for 3 months and is now coming back for Christmas, I find lots of support here and feel hopeful...

 

So can't complain about occasional yukiness

[skybert]

Good to hear bubble:) 3 months is a long time. Hope getting him back helps you:)

 

Yeah well sorry to say. I'm in pretty bad shape now. Been on the floor most of the day and pretty much felt close to losing it all day... I take magnesium and used to take fishoil but had to stop because of stomach troubles. It's close to dark all day long in Norway now. Could some vitamin D supplement help? Need to try something now. 

[bubble]

I simply can't imagine dark the whole day! Even when it gets dark at 4 is sooo hard for me...

 

Read on somebody post that vitamin D helps in winter months but didn't remember the dosage... We should check symptoms and self-care...

 

The good news is that we've hit the bottom with dark days and from now on light will slowly get longer...

 

It's a wave,it will pass... It means we're healing

 

(mantra;)

[skybert]

Yeah I need to get some vitamin D. Was just wondering if anyone had something to say about that. Like "be careful with this and that" and so on:P 

Consulting my doctors online. Fancy stuff! 

A wave yeah... Man I didn't know my brain was that complicated. I thought it was pretty much bacon, computer, tv, ladies. And in that order most of the time. The bacon and the ladies switch places every now and then. Yeah I need to go to bed now.

 

Thanks for the quick response bubble as always:) 

[mammaP]

It must be very depressing in winter with the lack of daylight. I closed my curtains at 3.30pm

and it didn't get light until 9am this morning and I hate it, to be in darkness almost 24/7 fills

me with horror!  I have some photographers bulbs around my house to simulate daylight.

They aren't the very bright studio lights but are nice bright white light, it isn't good to have

them on all the time but I keep them on in the daytime and put the table lamps on at night.

And I have a lightbox which is my saviour every winter. Half an hour in the morning does

the trick. It doesn't get very dark here in summer, at the height of summer it's 

light enough to go for a walk in the country without lights and see all the wildlife, 24/7, it does

dim down at around 11pm  but doesn't get very dark dark. I love the long days of summer.

What are summers like in Norway? I can imagine it being even lighter there in summer. 

[skybert]

I used to find the dark and cold cozy and relaxing. The SAD never affected me before but now it seems to matter:P 

Well it's not dark all day but most of it and if the weather is bad you never get that daylight feeling. The summer we get about one hour of darkness. Never pitch black but close to it. It's nice:) Hard to sleep, but nice.

[skybert]

Hi guys:)

Terrible day today. I vent to the mall to finish my Christmas shopping. I got two gifts done and my head was running like crazy. I panicked and got so dizzy i almost fell. It scared me so bad I just had to get out of there. I was there with my cousins and aunt and I just left them there without saying anything and got in my car and spent 30mins in the backseat of the car to recover. I was not able to drive after that. It was so intense and so strong I'm still shaky. They found me and drove me home. I have never lost it like this before. My symptoms are so strong now I can't even stand. My shooting headpains are so strong now I'm starting to think this is something more.. I might have done something stupid today though to try and help my stomach witch might have made it even worse. I took something called Probiotic http://www.drugstore.com/healthy-origins-probiotic-30-billion-cfus-vcaps/qxp335079 could this have attributed to the intense reactions?

[bubble]

so sorry to hear that!

 

I'm a novice like you but what I read is that probiotics facilitate absorbtion of vitamins B from our intestinal system. vitamins B can be very activating when our nervous systems are so sensitive.

 

In any case, if you experienced such a nasty symptom after taking it,it is definitely not good for you. I noticed probiotics are very often mixed with various vitamins B and Alto warns us not to go for mixed supplements. So if your product has probiotics plus vitamin B6 or B12, it's likely they caused trouble.

 

Hope others more knowledgeable will come in soon. I would just say a common sense thing not to take it any more. And great you were able to identify a possible culprit...

 

I found a post on vitamin D which might not be so relevant for you now: can't paste it since I'm typing from the phone but you will find it on sorrow expert's thread on 22nd december by wufgar (something like that...)

 

hang in there and let us know how things develop.

 

Hugs,

bubble

[mammaP]

Hi Skybert, I am sorry you had a traumatic shopping trip. That itself causes many people some 

serious stress at this time of year! I wouldn't even DREAM of going shopping right now, I think 

I would have a meltdown too!  Are you still taking the antipsychotic? It could be withdrawal if it

has stopped or decreased. Rest up for now and be kind to yourself, I hope you feel better soon. 

[skybert]

bubble:There should be no such thing in it, at least to my understanding. Oh well I will not take it again.

I just thought that if it helped it wouldn't be the worst thing right now:P It didn't help one bit and might have caused my fascinating exit procedure! Let's just pretend that's true and move on. Thanks for the support as always! and for looking into that vitamin D thing. I read that post to yesterday. Something I will look into.

 

mammaP: I take 3mg lexapro(escitalopram) and some magnesium and that's it. I am in a wave now and going out shopping was not a smart idea. But I try to function a little and push my limits sometimes now. I have family visiting from the us now so I kind of have to try and pull myself together and do some things. Thought I could handle a shopping trip but apparently not. They are very kind and understanding but it's hard for them to watch me in this state. I used to be so easy calm and relaxed and entertain the family. There is not much left of me right now. I'm a wreck and the unability to pull myself together is so hard to deal with, and so hard for the people around me to watch. 

 

Better days are coming... they have to!

 

Thank you for checking in on me:)

[mammaP]

Of course, I am sorry Skybert, It was someone else I was thinking of with the anti psychotic 

my apologies!   I hope you have a nice time with your family. 

[skybert]

Hehe no worries mammaP:) I thought maybe you where on a phone and could not see my history thing. Thank you so much for all your support!

Laters

[skybert]

So I just wrote a long update post and lost the whole thing because my computer decided that it was boring probably and shut down to help me. The autosave feature decided that the computer was onto something with that and only stored like 2 sentences. And now I don't have the energy to write it again and that's my good friend Lexapros fault. Anyways... It was something like this: "waaaah waaaah" my wave is acting up guys! But now I feel pretty okay.

 

Happy new years everyone! Wishing you all the best and good clear windows. 

Thank you all for all the help in 2013. You guys saved me. I don't even want to know where I would be without this forum. Wonderful people:) I wish I could give you all a hug in person. And here come the waterworks... (Better than fireworks these days. To stimulating. amirite?)

 

Please don't be offended by the "waaaah waaaah" thing. I live this nightmare. Right there with you! Humor is my savior in this hell. 

 

Hugs
 

[skybert]

Hi guys:)

I have been meaning to write something for a while. I have started writing several times but I'm at a loss of words these days so I always end up deleting it. 

Don't know how to describe how I feel anymore. I would say it is better overall but not there. Everything feels weird and off for some reason. 

I haven't had a heavy wave in a while, but no clear or close to clear windows either. It's just a dull feeling.

Probably a little depressed and I have some dp flareups every now and then.

Kind of stuck in the middle of bad and okay and they swing several times a day. I try to convince myself it's probably a good sign but the next second it flares up and convince me otherwise. It's a very uncomfortable state to be in and very strange and weird. Window wave pattern doesn't apply the way it used to anymore. I can't even tell them apart anymore. 

Anyways. I just wanted to write something. Hoping I'm headed in the right direction.

Hugs.

[bubble]

wow, can you believe it that I was just a few minutes ago wondering: we haven't heard from skybert for some time...!

 

Then I see your post popping out: it's kind of spooky

 

The other coincidence is that what you wrote describes how I feel pretty well! And I agree it's very hard to pin it down: not so bad nor dramatic but not well either: dull, low energy...

 

Overal, despite it being thoroughly unpleasant, i think it is a good sign and that we are indeed headed in the right direction.

 

glad to hear from you

 

bubble

[skybert]

Hi bubble thank you for the fast reply:) I'm here almost daily but I don't know what to say anymore. I do some private conversations with people I feel i can help a little. But for my own condition I don't know what to say anymore. It's all been said and done. I have taken the control I can take over it, and now I just wait.

Nothing more I can do at this point. And like you said not so bad nor dramatic but not well. Just hoping it swings in the right direction eventually.

 

Always nice to hear from you:)

 

Laters  

[skybert]

Hi guys:) small update. So it seems like I'm pretty stable these days and have been for a while. How long do I stay put before I can start to consider dropping? I'm in no rush. Any recommendations?

Thanks guys:)

[bubble]

my my looks who's here!!!

 

what a great surprise I came across one of your posts today and was thinking that you must be doing well. so glad I was right, again

 

It would be nice to hear more details on how things are in the land of the stable I guess I would be in a similar condition if I didn't have this 'issue' with Xanax on top of Escitalopram.

 

Re your question, I would say you are ready to go down and I know you will do it slow maybe 5 % would be enough but holding is always good to strengthen your CNS further. So as you say, you might go down but might just as well wait a bit more. I think both options are safe.

 

Smarter people will offer their opinions too.

 

hugs,

 

bubble 

[skybert]

bubble! Do not underestimate the "update/thank you" post I'm cooking up when I eventually find words worthy enough to describe the way I feel about the people and support community that saved my life and showed me the way out of the hell I thought would kill me. That is no easy task! Hopefully I can do it. I will try my best and then do a little tribute dance to the song "coldplay- fix you" while I cry tears of joy, if the post is not good enough. (Maybe I do the dance either way)

[Petunia]

Thank you for the update Skybert, its great news that you have finally stabilized and are feeling better.  If you have been symptom free for several weeks, then you could try a small cut.  Perhaps it would be a good idea to start with just 5% and find out how your NS responds.  If you do well with that, with no problems after 4 weeks, then perhaps you could try a 10% cut next time.  Of course, if you are in no hurry, then slower is better.

 

Petu.

[skybert]

Thank you Petu:) I will stay put for the time being. Really do not want to mess anything up. My old friend wave has been lurking since yesterday and I don't feel to stable today. Makes me really sad because I have been pretty stable for a while now. I have trouble walking and my stomach is acting up. I feel the uneasiness and insecurity yet again. It really sucks. A little depression is kicking in to. Oh well:P I have seen it's possible to get back. But the feeling is square one every time "sigh".

 

Laters  

[bubble]

yes sky, that is probably the worst thing about this 'condition': it keeps coming back, assailing us when we thought that we had left it behind us...read what Petu wrote about it in her  recent post.

 

Like you have to experience grief over the loss of your good feeling every time it happens... I hope it will leave you alone soon!

[areyouthere]

Thinking of you.. any forward movement is good news but so frustrating to have it slip from our hands once again.

 

Hang in there. You have a rooting section here!

 

RU

[skybert]

Thank you for the kind words:) Yeah I'm back in a wave now. And just a couple of days after I asked for advice on dosage reduction. My CNS is a cruel joke, or a hero for surviving my doctors SSRI knowledge. I'll spend some days on the floor I guess, trying to distract myself from the spewing volcano of craziness. Here we go!

But hey let's stay positive..This has by far been the most effective weight loss program I have ever tried. I does have some side effect though. I would list them right here but I don't think all the the words to describe them have been invented yet.  

 

Laters  

[bubble]

your amazing sense of humour is still there ... we have quite a few Nordic guys here who are all so humorous: MoodyBlues, Wulfgar, you..., an interesting coincidence  

 

this will pass soon

[skybert]

I guess it's the only part of me that never left me completely no matter how bad things vent. It's pretty dry and self-centered these days though.

A coping mechanism, and it takes the edge of the suffering for a little while. 

I hope it's not offending anyone. It's a pretty serious condition to joke about and might be a little distasteful. But that's just how I go about this misery. The condition has pretty much taken everything from me, but I will continue fighting it with jokes and laughter, and do everything I can to take the fear out of it. 

And yes you are right it will pass soon! It always does!

[bubble]

of course it's not offensive.

 

a humorous outlook is always welcome, especially when things are gloomy. And your brand of humour doesn't pretend things are not there, it just puts them to where they belong so that they are not blown out of proportion

[skybert]

Great! I shall continue my awful journey, laughing my ass off! (what's left of it anyway)

Thank you bubble:)

[skybert]

Strange symptom happening more and more often. I get this burst feeling of disconnect from everything lasting just a few seconds. Kind of like a strong short lived heavy form of DR with strong anxiety. Scares me pretty badly and it has been increasing in frequency the last two days. I try to just ignore it and distract myself but I have started to get some anticipation anxiety from it. It's always accompanied with built up air in the stomach. Hard to explain it:\ Oh well. Feels like my bad stomach is making by brain fire wrong for a few seconds, I lie down to calm down, then it goes: heavy anxiety, burp burp burp, anxiety, burp" TADA and I return to the world wondering what happened. Worst description ever I know but what the buck is going on!? I suck I can't even have WD right anymore!

[Altostrata]

One theory of that particular symptom pattern would be that your vagus nerve, which is in the middle of your body and controls your stomach, is acting up.

 

You might want to try settling your stomach with a little ginger or daily probiotics.