success ☼ JanCarol: Reboxetine first, then lithium

[Meimeiquest]

You are sure going though it, but you are also getting through it.

 

I have certainly had lithium WD symptoms, but, even though I am often awake in the night, I don't get up to the bathroom. You will love this I know....it's a major symptom of sleep apnea. And the adrenaline thing....

 

Hope the test results are helpful! You are sure missing some important pieces, and I'm sure your adrenals are way overworked.

[JanCarol]

Well, duh!  The blood tests came back, and they were so complex that we didn't even have time to get into the allergies.  

 

My thyroid was through the floor, the TSH through the roof.  The lab tested my free T4, even though she didn't request anything but TSH.  She apologized for only testing TSH, she had SOME rationale for it, being that I've only been on the natural thyroid for a few months.  I didn't understand her rationale, but she will do a full Thyroid and lipid and B12, DHEA, zinc, cortisol profile next time.

 

But having extremely low thyroid could cause a serious energy crash (which I have) and a possible adrenal crash (likely) as well.

 

My creatinine was in the test, MeiMei, it was elevated, but the Dr. didn't take it too seriously because it was a one-off reading (and predated all of my sickness - that is, the labs were drawn before I got so sick).  

 

She invited my psychiatrist to attend the Walsh/Mensah bio-balance seminar in March here.  Wouldn't it be awesome if my psychiatrist got on board the ortho molecular train?

[JanCarol]

Soooo starting the new thyroid dose, and what a difference a day makes!

 

My kidneys are still crying, but - I saw MORNING yesterday, and not grumpy about it, either!

 

Could it be - that all these years - 20 years - of having "delayed cycle sleep" it's all about to be fixed by a hormone?  That may be overoptimistic (I still have habits to change) - but - it's nice seeing the light of day again.

 

Today - not so much (because the kidney thing is so sleep disruptive).  I woke up slow, weak and grumpy, but hey.  This is only like day 2 of the new thyroid dose.

 

So the kidney thing - this is getting painful.  At what point do I seek Western, Allopathic Medical attention?  Would I benefit from dialysis?  Dr. said my electrolytes and most of my kidney stuff was fine, but creatanine was high.  Dr. put me on turmeric/curcumin to try and bring the kidney inflammation down.  For a month.  That seems to be helping my skeleto-muscular pain, too.

[JanCarol]

My thoughts go out today to all of you. 

 

If I were back in Indiana, having to work, pay a mortgage, I wouldn't be able to do this.  I wouldn't be able to pay for an alternative doctor, or wild blood tests.

 

When I look at my friends on polypharmacy, I realize - they don't have the luxury, either.  If I'm having a bad day, I just don't go out.  I have the luxury of staying home.  If I need special food, I can buy it.  I spend a fortune on supplements (now added curcumin for the kidneys, that's a pricey one), medical stuff and tests.  I get massages fortnightly, and acupuncture, fortnightly.  My home is a gentle and easy place to be (I seem to be the main disruption in it, when I get spazzy).

 

Then I look at what people are going through / have been through in here.  Holding jobs, cooking meals, functioning in the world, raising children, keeping house, doing dishes, cooking, caring for parents - all while going through the hell that is withdrawal.  (and sometimes even finding creative energy for crafts!  OMG I am not worthy!)

 

I respect the people in this forum immensely.  I don't think I could do what so many of you are doing and have done.  I am incredibly well supported - if I were in your shoes, with a job, or children, or caring for my elders - I would probably have stayed on the meds.  So hats off to all of you who are going through it, and still on your feet.  AWESOME!

[JanCarol]

So today I had a bizarre experience.  My friend was telling me about her neighbor's son.  The schools have pressured the parents to put them on ADHD meds (we know what that is!).  He's 9 years old.  Over the last 18 months, his behaviour has deteriorated until he is angry and violent and threatens to slash and bash his mother while pounding on her.  The parents are "just folks," who would do what "Authority" says.  But "Authority" i.e. the school and psychologist, are telling the Mum that it's her fault, she's too lenient with him.  My friend, their next door neighbor, has had to work very hard to convince him otherwise, and wrote a "To Whom It May Concern" letter for the school and psychologist.  BTW, the father of the boy is "diagnosed as bipolar," and takes his meds, but has never been violent.  They do what they're told.

 

(a little back story:  when I went to Dr. Robyn James, she invited my psychiatrist to a Dr. Walsh / Mensah / Dr. Lam seminar on the Gold Coast in March 2015.  It's a week of "Doctors Only" training, and if my psychiatrist goes for it, she will expand her alternatives to psych meds considerably.)

 

So I told my friend about this seminar on the Gold Coast and the "Open Day" they have for non doctors:  patients, parents, naturopaths, chiropractors, everybody else but the doctors.  I started talking about OrthoMolecular medicine as finding the root cause to this child's behaviour, and fixing it with other things besides psych meds.  AND, we talked about treatment teams (especially for ADHD and Autism spectrum) of nutritionists, behaviourists, psychologists, psychiatrists and possibly naturopaths.  I said again "Orthomolecular medicine," and tried to suggest the seminars at the Gold Coast, but my friend said, nah, they're just regular blokes and wouldn't be interested in education.  "If it were me," she said, "I'd be all over it, taking notes and learning everything I could, but that's not the way they are.  They just do as they're told."  Sigh.  Okay.

 

So my friend and I were going to acupuncture together (she doesn't drive, and I'm happy to share an afternoon with her, lunch, acupuncture, etc.)  We pull up to the place, and there is a NEW SIGN next door which says:  "Brisbane North ICNH / TCM Orthomolectular Clinic for Mood Disorders and Mental Health."  This place is 5 minutes from where I live!

 

While my friend went in for her treatment, I went up and talked to him.  He's from Romania, and is well traveled - he went to school at a Canadian Naturopathic Institute (I saw the diploma but forgot the name of the school).  He's been in the area for about 15 years, but only opened up this office last month.  Just got his shingle up.  He says he's sent flyers out to psychiatrists all over Brisbane, but hasn't gotten any nibbles yet.  (naturally.  We all know how that is.)  I told him about Dr. Rob Purssey, and told him about this forum.  He showed me a Breggin book (Your Drug May Be Your Problem) and a Walsh book.  He showed me a big folder of medical studies about the pathways of inflammation, cancer, mood disorder - it was wayyyy over my head!  

 

But he was so happy to have someone who "got it," sitting in his office!  He even asked me why ***I*** am not a practitioner, if I know all this stuff!  (because I only know MY stuff, not EVERYbody's stuff!)  

 

He also does psychotherapy (at the Masters level) which includes Buddhist psychotherapy (I assume that is mindfulness), NLP (whups, alarm bells on that one), CBT, Nutrition, and naturopathy.  And for you Aussies, he bulk bills.

 

So I told him to contact AltoStrata to get an introduction to Dr. Rob Purssey, maybe they can work out compatibility - This guy, Johnny Atman, is into research and learning and would be happy to learn ACT if it got him a relationship with an MD / professional.

 

He may not be for me, but I took many flyers to pass around, because Dr. Robyn James only works on women.  I will tell her about him Wednesday.  My psychiatrist I will take a little more time, to wait and see what she thinks about pursuing the seminar on the Gold Coast.  (Mr. Atman kind of scoffed at the seminar, he said, "MD's only take a week's training, but I have studied this stuff for years!)  (and I'm thinking, yes, but you cannot administer the treatments you might prescribe for, say, cancer, like IV Vitamin C - so you need an MD to work with!)

 

(and yes, he bulk bills if you are on an Allied Health referral - Aussie lingo, but the Aussies will understand it.)

 

So my friend went from never having heard the word "Orthomolecular," to seeing an Orthomolecular clinic in our hometown (or very near).  The world is a mysterious place and this is yet another sign that the tide may be turning towards the real medicine, the evidence based medicine, the functional medicine, and away from the profit based medicine.

[JanCarol]

Whoa!  One of my polypharmacy friends asked me over the weekend, "WHAT DO I DO?"    She thought she was a junkie for taking too much Seroquel.  But she didn't understand that the Seroquel lowered her inhibitions and made her take more Seroquel!

 

I told her to read the Icarus Harm Reduction Guide to Getting of Psych Drugs, and she DID!  I'm so proud of her!  Then she watched a Will Hall video, and the blinders have been pulled from her eyes.  She's not blaming herself anymore, not beating herself up - I feel she's gonna have a lot of righteous anger before all is said and done, because she's on so many drugs.

 

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Calithebold to Surviving Antidepressants!  She needs this place even more than I do!

 

In the news, got a great massage today.  I've decided this is the best massage therapist I've ever had.  Ahhhhhhh.  It's a good thing too, I've skipped 2 classes of karate this week, I have a medical certificate from my GP saying "No Cardio until February."  Sigh.  That makes it hard to maintain mood stability. But Okay.  I had my kidneys scanned for stones (that was painful because they made me hold a full bladder), and a urine test for infections to see why my kidneys are so troublesome.  

 

And I got my allergy tests back.  

 

Looking at that, makes me think that my system is just so inflamed that everything is reacting.  I used to think of almond, pineapple and banana as healing foods.  No more for me.  No more dairy, egg, or grains of any sort. 

 

So inflammation upon inflammation.  I guess this is iatrogenic.  I don't know if it's withdrawal, because I got sick before I started tapering - that's WHY I started tapering.  

 

Maybe My windows and waves will be calm enough to show that not everyone has horrible withdrawal symptoms.  That going slow can make it easier.  

 

Overall I'm much better.  My brain is back, I can engage (I still have cognitive farts, but who doesn't?), I'm interested in things, I have some passions, cares and concerns.  It seems a little self-absorbed at the moment, but I do care about those around me, too.  a year ago, when I signed on, I felt anhedonia, DP/DR.  Those things are gone now.  Alto, you were right.  This too, shall pass.

[Meimeiquest]

Well, welcome to the gut club. Watch for some stuff I will post in Symptoms about upcoming summits, those internet info games....can u listen on schedule or will you have to buy the transcripts. . When I asked my pdoc if Zyprexa was worth $10/day, I had no idea that question would lead to picking dandelions to ferment.

[JanCarol]

In other good news, my massage therapist has a natural spring on her property.  I took a jug to her today, offering to buy some of her water to try and get away from the fluoride in the water here.  She generously gave me this beautiful water!  I will use it for my teas, and maybe some of my cooking.  And I can't eliminate the fluoride entirely, because I still take baths, and one jug every 2 weeks may not be enough (I think it would be rude to ask her for more).

 

Pure clean water in my life!  I love that!

 

And - it made me think - if we get the rainwater tank unclogged, I can drink rainwater (boiled and filtered) and avoid fluoride - but that's a long term project.  (I've been asking about it for 2 years now, and I'm not clever enough to hire someone in to "just fix it.").  But I got the idea on her massage table, thinking about beautiful, clean water.  Such a precious thing!

[calithebold]

Thanks for the intro Jan

I just spent all day reading your whole thread. Now don't think that's weird or anything, I just read in bits and bits and I am really in awe of what you have gone through. I already knew bits and pieces here and there but I didn't know a lot of it and I am so proud of you and proud that you are my friend. I'm sorry that you have gone through so much in such a short time. Did you know that you started this thread nearly a year ago now and look at how much you have done. You should also  feel proud of yourself most of all. 

Cali

[JanCarol]

Thanks Cali!  I really feel like a different person from the one who started this thread.  When I started this thread, I wrote in my Profile:  IF I am this unhappy ON the drugs, well, I can do that without them.

 

But it's not working that way, I'm happier, more dynamic, smarter, more capable.

 

But Yes, MeiMei, I'm a dues paid member of the Gut Club.  Hooray for Chicken Broth!  Ironically, I just bought some dandelion root tea at the health food shop yesterday, already had a nice steaming cup of that with red clover and cinnamon.  

 

I'm afraid to pick dandelions for 2 reasons:  you never know where people have used herbicides and pesticides.  And 2, in Australia, there's a "dandelion" which is really a totally different species - maybe even a different genus - from the healing liver blessing dandelions of the Northern Hemisphere.  So I got organic dandelion.  It has a nice nutty flavour, and I am reminded that American settlers used it as a hot stimulating beverage (even though there's no caffeine) when coffee was unavailable.  So dandelion tea - it's not just for settlers anymore (unless the turf you wish to settle is your gut!)

[JanCarol]

So I was listening to music - random music from my MP3's on my phone - when Squackett came on.  I am a Yes and Genesis fan, so Squackett is a charming slot in between (Chris SQuire and Steve hACKETT)

 

The name of the song was "The Divided Self."  At first, I just listened to the music, delightful (love the sound system in my car).  THEN, I realized, that the screen was saying it was playing a song called "Divided Self."

 

THEN, I heard the lyric:  "Thank you Mr. Freud that's my life destroyed."  and thought Oh.  My.  God.  It's R.D. Laing!  They've written a song (they are Brits, after all, he would be better known to them than to Americans) about R.D. Laing and The Movement!

 

Here are the full lyrics, see what you think!

 

SQUACKETT
"Divided Self"

 

 

 

To be or not to be a white van man
A prince without a plan
Hamlet is a bam, a boy who loves his mam
Don't mean to be a cynic,
Happy at the clinic anyhow
Thank you Mr Freud, that's my life destroyed

Decided, united, derided
Divided self

The enemy within us knows heaven's full of sinners
You could be laughing as you weep
Crowded in this lonely room with actors
Landing on the moon
Don't mean to be a cynic,
Happy at the clinic anyhow
Stay young and beautiful all the time

Decided, united, derided
Divided self

 

Here's a link to the music (I don't know if this is the official video):  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xrj8U23B6cI

[JanCarol]

Oh my.  I feel good, I feel fine, and I think this is a good thing, but I'm so drained!

 

My knee is like it doesn't exists, and I walk gingerly to make sure I don't get hurt.  Except that, for something that doesn't exist, it hurts in every position I place it!

 

My hands hurt, maybe I sprained one at karate, but why does the other one hurt, too?

 

Maybe it's the inferior (VItaCost brand) hemp seed oil.  Maybe it's a healing reaction.

 

I've had healing reactions before, and they kind of feel like this.  My core, my center, feels good.  My gut has been behaving itself.  But it's like all of my energy is going somewhere (healing my adrenals?) and there's none left for me.  My body is in charge now, and it says:  STOP.  Don't move.  Don't even think about moving!

 

I wonder if all the adrenal support I was doing before wasn't working until we kicked up my thyroid dose.  And now that my thyroid levels are better, the adrenal support can kick in and go to work.

 

That's just my guess.

 

At least the gut is happy.  Kombucha, kim chee, PB8, powdered aloe, kefir (I just made some coconut milk kefir, because I'm not supposed to be on dairy).

 

I even had a bulletproof coffee today (mmmmm I add cocoa butter to mine) and it was nice, but didn't get me up out of my chair!

 

Next post:  Things that help the kidneys (as told me by a local herbalist).

[JanCarol]

Things that help the kidneys:

 

When I google "watermelon seed for kidneys" I get a recipe for "Watermelon Seed Tea," which is 1 liter boiling water poured over a ground watermelon seed to steep.

 

But the recipe I got from the herbalist is different.

 

Take a watermelon seed, fresh.  Pour fresh clean water over it.  Wait 12 hours.  Remove the seed, and drink the water (you can chill the water if you like).  This removes the slime coating from the watermelon seed, which is very good for kidneys.

 

Recipe #2, Adzuki beans.  Anything you make with them.  Eat them 3 times a day, 3 times a week, anytime you want.  There was an herbalist in Townsville whose life was saved by adzuki beans, or so she swears.

 

Recipe #3:  Cranberry.  Any cranberry.  I thought cranberry was only for the bladder and urethra, but it apparently helps the kidneys, too.  It seems to be helping mine.  I am taking dried equivalent to 120 grams of cranberry extract daily right now.  I can probably knock that back now, but it has done heaps of good.  Apparently cranberry is good for the tummy, too (the heliobacter-whatever that causes ulcers doesn't like it much, and it is supposedly neutralizing of excess acid).

[JanCarol]

The watermelon tea was 1 Tablespoon ground watermelon seed.

 

The watermelon water was just one seed in a glass of water.  Let stand, strain and drink.

[JanCarol]

No kidney stones or infection.  All good.  The cranberry helped immensely.  I would like to sleep in longer sections, though.

 

I've decided because of the kidney thing, to do a tiny lithium taper from 512.5 to 500.  Even though we are travelling next week. 

 

I'm really not feeling side effects from the taper, I'm more suffering from the adrenal fatigue and kidney inflammation.

 

(of course, this could be caused *by* WD but I'm going to take it down a tiny bit anyway).

 

My mood is stable, I feel GOOD, I just have no energy at all.  Like - to hold my arms over my head (as in yoga class) is just too tiring to maintain!

 

I don't know how y'all bake and cook and garden and work and stuff.  I'm fully drained, and I don't want to just lay around all day, but there's not much else I can do.

 

So tiny taper it is, and keeping my mood stable.

[calithebold]

I'm glad to hear you are feeling stable and it's great that you are tapering your lithium - awesome - happy for you. Thanks for your help with everything too, I really appreciate it

[JanCarol]

I wish that travelling were simple.  I have to spend 2 days refilling all of my trays (I try and stagger them in real life:  4 weeks of vitamins, 3 weeks of medicine, 4 trays a day, 2 of those are jumbo).  I would love to travel the world, but I can't imagine travelling and refilling trays as I go.  

 

And then to wonder:  will my bowel behave?  Or will I be in pain?  Should I take Mag gel?  Mag salts?  Arnica?  Bruise cream?  Laxative?  Anti-diahhreal? Braces for knees or otherwise?  How many books (my security blanket, like Linus) can I have?  Are we flying?  (yes, a short overnight to Sydney) What does my 24 hour kit look like?

 

Hubby has no idea how anxious just a "trip down the coast" makes me.  But here it is, 15 minutes before departure, and I think all is as done as it can be.  (except I thought of something a minute ago but now I've forgotten).  Hopefully, I can be supportive of hubby, and he can party with his friends and we will have a grand old time.  2 concerts with Yes (so affirming), and then a week of nothing but kicking back on a world class beach.......

 

(see, when I put it that way, it sounds pretty good, eh?)

 

Cheers, see you on the other side,  Jan

[calithebold]

I hope you have a good trip and you can relax a bit. I'm hoping everything physically goes well as well. I look forward chatting when you come back. Take special care

[JanCarol]

Thanks Cali, it was a good trip.  Again, he has no idea.  When I say drained, when I say "I cannot," he's like, well, "just a little?"  So we did some play in the surf, some swimming, hot tub and sauna.  Lots of walking - but he kept the pace slow (I hate that it seems like I'm always walking BEHIND my husband instead of beside him!).  Concerts were good, I forgot a few things, but nothing critical.

 

I nixed the bike riding.  He went a couple of times, but my hands hurt too much, my knees hurt to much for the bicycle.  The surf feels good, though, like a giant magnesium bath.

 

He got all grumpy when he thought he lost my bike helmet, we drove around the block and inquired at the resort, I just let it go.  Turns out it was in the car all along (so all that grumpy was for nothing.)

 

Found a Russ Harris (of "The Happiness Trap" fame) book called "ACT with Love," applying ACT principles to relationship.  The good thing about this book is it will improve your relationships, even if the other party doesn't do it.  We'll see if hubby takes to it (we have a good relationship, but things can always use improvement!  And he COULD use some Cognitive / mindfulness expansion to keep him from obsessing on things like the helmet), but even if he doesn't I should learn some skills from it.

 

Also saw a Peter Breggin book in a used bookstore.  I already have it, but didn't get it because it was the "Talking to Prozac" one.  I know there's someone in my future life that I could hand it to, but I didn't know who that is, so didn't buy it.

 

And found some Aussie christmas children's books for the USA relatives to get a kick out of!

 

Back home, to fresh salad from the garden.  I didn't have any withdrawal, but I have had a lot of pain.

 

If pain is inflammation, and I eat something that is "irritating" (I don't exactly have food allergies, they are not even "sensitivities" just "problem foods.") would it make sense that the first manifestation of inflammation would be pain?  Like joints?  Just thinking about it, like maybe I've had physical pain long before my bowels acted up.

 

Good to be home, I hope I can step into routine again without too much difficulty.

[calithebold]

I know how you feel about walking behind all the time because that always happens to me too or if not it's because I'm talking his ear off upon which I get the "please just be quiet for a while" response. Sorry to hear you had a fair bit of pain, it awful. I hope now you are home it will feel a little more comfortable :-)

[JanCarol]

So I am feeling much freer with 56% of my former dose of lithium.

 

The things which are returning are things I thought I left behind decades ago.  Interest in expansion of consciousness, in Robert Anton Wilson, Terence McKenna, Carl Jung, Ken Kesey, and more - and the things I missed before:  Alan Watts, Stanislav Grof, William S Burroughs, Jack Kerouac.

 

I feel (a feeling! but not quite a belief) that by twisting my brain around these things, I can develop the flexibility to expand the "I" that is me.  Exploration of inner space.  There is a rational little mouse in my brain screaming, "OH NO, therein lies MADNESS!" because these topics are not socially acceptable, not good party tricks, as it were.  But neither is the exploration of trauma.

 

I've been working on a trauma post to start it all off.

 

The first time I was molested, I was in the 2nd grade, 8 years old.  The molester was a friend of my brother.  We all went to the same church.  Sometimes, this friend, who was 14 years old, came home with my family after church.  He was handsome, and I was only 8 years old.  I had a crush on him, he was beautiful enough for TV or movies.  When he found this out, he took advantage of it, and took me down into the basement where I was to "touch it," I was completely innocent and had no idea why he wanted me to touch that.  I associated that part of our anatomies with poo and pee.  My little child's hand reached into his pants, and remember feeling how coarse his pubic hair was, and that "It" had a different texture than the rest of his skin.

 

When I look back at this molesting experience, I realize he was just a teenage boy, and he was excited just to get ANYone to "touch it."  But I was a child, and had no business being the one to do it.  Those brief forbidden moments in the basement made me feel special, if not loved, wanted.  And it set in my mind the behaviours that would lead to my eventual descent into degradation.  

 

So I was molested when I was 8 years old.  I was made to "touch it."  I was not touched myself.  And I cannot feel anger or blame to the boy that started it all.  I'd be happy to hear outside views of what other humans think of this experience.  I've never really talked about it (except while serving jury duty for a child molestation trial, it uniquely qualified me to know and judge as a juror).

[JanCarol]

And yes, Cali, sometimes I do not know when to shut up.  Men just are not as verbal as we are (with certain exceptions).  When I met hubby (ironically, he is a D, too!) he was more verbal, but after his stroke, he cannot handle so many words all at once.  Sometimes he gives me the respect of telling me, "I'm sorry, I wasn't listening." But most of the time I never know whether he heard me or listened or whether it just went into outer space, babbling to nobody at all (when I think I'm sharing with my loved one).

[calithebold]

I think you're very brave sharing your experiences with us, I couldn't do it. My traumas are too deep still. Oh I have my DBT intake interview on Wednesday. I'm glad I'm not the only one who talks too much sometimes :-)

[JanCarol]

So it's been a few days, and there's a reason for that.  

 

Is it depression?  (medical term, I know)  Is it just the oppression of the heat?  So that I stay inside my refrigerated room and don't do much?

 

I've blown off karate.  I've blown off the testing.  I would've been ready, if I'd attended all the classes I could, but I couldn't.  Or wouldn't.  And I was humiliated by the KooChoo (bigger than a Sensei) and made to read my medical certificate to him in a Russian accent. (which I don't do well!)  

 

If this is adrenal fatigue, I'm tired of it!  I'm worried I'm going to get diabetes or something horrible while I sit on my ass and wait for my body to heal my adrenals!  If this is withdrawal, I'm over it!  Suicidal thoughts have occurred.  Only at about a level of 3/10, so not to worry.  I've been to 9/10 and still not jumped.

 

But it's like this thing, whether it's adrenal fatigue or depression, or just plain exhaustion, it has constricted my world so that I can't sleep at the right times.  I still suffer from kidney distress all night, too, and only get 1-2 hours of sleep at a stretch.  I don't think it's escapism, that I'm hiding away from my problems, because I want to do more than I'm doing.

 

My sleeping has skewed way late again, 3 am to noon.  I'd sleep past noon, if I could sleep.  The laundry is getting done.  My sun-walk was at 2:30 pm today - and it doesn't help that it's so hot out there.  It's like I crawl out and don't have the energy to face it, so I do little things until my blood is moving enough to face my sun-walk.

 

Monday, I went out to run some errands.  Library, grocery store.  I came home and collapsed into bed.  Missed yoga class.  (and that's bad, because when I miss yoga class, then hubby skips, too, even when he's well enough to go)  Missed karate again yesterday.  I may not go back there until January, when my medical certificate says I can.  The test is on Saturday, but it's at 8:00 am so I can't even get there to cheer on my mates.  It's just pointless going until after test.

 

We went to yoga tonight, a make up session.  I may have to do yoga twice a week while waiting for this fatigue to pass.  Yoga is even hard, and I used chairs and blocks and straps and lay down a lot in between poses, cutting the poses short.  But it feels better, most of the pain is better and my body feels good.  Just weak as a kitten.

 

I go to see pdoc tomorrow.  I think I'm patterned for a hold on the taper for awhile.  I have to be careful how I express myself to her.  I'd like her to know that I'm struggling, but resist the urge to prescribe.....hold, hold hold hold hold.  

[JanCarol]

I saw a great tattoo on a hotel clerk.  It was script running up his forearm which said:  "This too shall pass."  

 

It's so good for so many things!  One of the best "script" tattoos I've ever seen!

[calithebold]

Sorry to hear you aren't feeling great, if I can do anything for you that could help in any way, just ask! I'm sorry I don't have any pearls of wisdom but I want you to know I'm here if you need it. My brain is not functioning at this hour and tonight I woke the cat up, lol, but anyway. I'm sorry about Karate too, that I can imagine is more than just a disappointment for you with how far you've come. It is so hot right now during the day that I don't blame you for wanting to shut yourself away. Be gentle with yourself!

[JanCarol]

Well, a visit to the psychologist, and I talked about listlessness, depression, and my contracting world.  And yet she said I seemed the healthiest she'd ever seen me, mentally.  It must be that I'm more present now that I'm only wrapped up in just over half as much lithium as I used to be.  So that was encouraging.

 

And it emphasized the difference between subjectiveness = how I feel inside, to an objective view = how I must appear to others.

[calithebold]

Just remember how awesome you are doing and you do look really great too

[JanCarol]

Seen on Facebook:

 

[JanCarol]

The third times (over a period of 6 months) I was molested, it's really hard to write about.  But this begins to describe it.....

http://www.rollingstone.com/culture/features/a-rape-on-campus-20141119?page=3

[JanCarol]

I'm not ready to go into the second time I was "molested," it's still confusing to think/feel about.

[Meimeiquest]

Wow, no wonder you're exhausted. Processing these layers and layers of trauma has got to take so much energy. I think you are doing fabulously, but you must feel awful. I am so very, very sorry it has been so much. Be gentle and kind to yourself...you are doing hard and important work, and it's okay if some other areas are unattended for a bit.

[calithebold]

You know you are a role model for me don't you? If not, then you might like to know that you are! You are so brave and I really admire that in you. Just keep being you :-)

[tgirl]

Hello JC,

Thank you for posting thoughtfully on my thread!

I will definitely give the magnesium a try.

thanks again!

[JanCarol]

Thank you all so much!  LOL Meimei I have no choice but to be kind!  Or, rather, slow, at least.

 

My current battle is not with ancient trauma, and I may have to suspend looking at that, but with myself and my habits.

 

If I have a day where I see people, do things - by the time I get home, I feel, "at last!  I can get something done" so I go to the computer to read something, learn something.  Hubby takes my evenings until about 10:30 pm.  

 

I used to do this with books, now I do it more with computers.  I'd probably be better off if I went back to the books, because then - when I finally get "me" time it's never enough and my curiosity is sparked.  This is a good thing, overall, but it makes it difficult to get my sleep cycles switched. 

 

I put on my amber glasses for my computer work last night, but alas, when I went to bed at 2 I couldn't sleep.  At 3 I had to take something to sleep - the valerian and phenergan (antihistamine) were not enough.

 

So it takes until 4 to get to sleep.  Laying there, listening to hubby's CPAP chugging away, listening to Jon Kabat-Zinn's "Body Scan" mindfulness, and then with some pain pills I finally knock off to sleep.  I don't know how you antidepressant and benzo taperers  deal with night after night of sleeplessness.  I didn't get up until 1:30 pm today!  And I still feel exhausted. 

 

I think the delayed cycle sleep slows my healing.  I know that taking something to sleep slows my healing.  Two nights ago, it was heart pounding that kept me awake.  Not panic, not even palpitations - just awareness of uncomfortable pounding heart (pulse at about 100, I have a heart rate monitor now, and have found I get uncomfortable at around there).

 

I will talk to my Psychologist in January about processing trauma - she offered, she says she has a clinically proven method for working with it - and I'd like to free some of this up.  I have a mid December appointment, but hubby will be in recovery from his surgery and we will focus on that, then.  Hubby goes under the knife day after tomorrow.

 

Meanwhile, I have to figure out what to do about my sleep.  Hubby's surgery day will knock me about, so I may get a temporary adjustment from that - it's at about 7 am.

[JanCarol]

I just read a great quote from Rhi (On Areyouthere's thread) :

 

It's like a plant that has grown on a trellis; you can't just yank out the trellis and expect the plant to be okay.

 

In other words, once the drug is in place, your brain becomes dependant on it, and going off the drug is like ripping out the trellis and expecting the plant to be fine.  Brilliant analogy!