success ☼ JanCarol: Reboxetine first, then lithium

[btdt]

Simon and B - I drew a "Four Agreements" card today which said:

 

SURRENDER and LET GO of the PAST

 

"Whatever life takes away from you, let it go.  When you surrender and let go of the past, you allow yourself to be fully alive in the moment.  Letting go of the past means that you can enjoy the dream that is happening right now."

 

- Don Miguel Ruiz

 

Just seemed appropriate to this discussion!

What does this mean... 

 I drew a 

a picture?  

Are you a multi talented artist too?

 

The creativity I had for poetry and art has not returned .. not even sewing which I did not lose when drugged... none no interest at all.

[JanCarol]

Um, shuffled and picked a card from the Four Agreements deck.  Book and deck written by Don Miguel Ruiz.

 

Basically the Four Agreements are:

BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD
DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY

DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS

ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST

 

supposedly based on "ancient Toltec wisdom," they are practical suggestions for awareness and relationships.

 

Artist?  I used to be a pumpkin carving artist, those days are gone.  Now I color mandalas, and that's exciting enough!

[calithebold]

I think mandalas are awesome, but you know that anyway

[JanCarol]

So I did a micro taper a few days ago to 450 mg of Lithium.  This is a 5% taper after 4 weeks from last taper.  Very conservative.

 

I've had a lot going on, medically, with hubby (also medically) and with friends (also medically, and then some).

 

I still have "uncomfortable heartbeat" - but the stress test said I was fine (with little unspoken smirks that said, "just out of shape").  

 

The adrenal fatigue treatment seems to be going nowhere fast.  

 

I remember years and years ago why I quit being an herbalist - it was such a hassle.  You have to take such huge quantities of natural medicines in order for them to be effective.  You have to have a clean, pure system, in order for them to work.  Well, in today's world - who is that?  Yes, I could've healed my torn ligament with poultices and packs 8x a day - but then - when would I have time to work?  I am on powdered thyroid, powdered adrenals, powdered liver, powdered gonads, half a dozen herbs, not to mention the vitamins and minerals.  And oh yes, the lipids!

 

I know, honestly, that if I have such a thing as adrenal fatigue - that I've probably had it for at least a decade.  It's not going to heal in just 6 months.  My doc friend in the US said - DHEA is what they give for it up north, and the doctors here make the evil eye sign and say, nooooooooo, we won't do that!  I'm about ready to ask for it though.  I'm tired of being tired.  Getting up and walking across the room causes that "uncomfortable heartbeat" and I'm not getting more fit, I'm losing fitness, waiting for this darned thing to heal!

 

I don't think the orthomolecular thing is harming me.  If anything, it's given me something to hope for.  But I'm soooooo tired!

 

Other symptoms - I've been more volatile, angry, impatient.  Some of this could be because I can't go to karate and smash stuff.  That is SO GOOD for my mental well being, and there's nothing else that quite fills that notch.

 

I have itchy, rashy places around lymph nodes on my armpits and groin.  On one side of the groin, the lymph node is swollen and hard.  I keep putting soothing creams on the rashes, but it's not fun.  I don't think Lithium has anything to do with histamines, and my last blood test my histamines were normal normal normal.  But I mention that because of these rashes, and because of my sinuses being thick and runny, clogged and raw.

 

I do sometimes take benadryl or phenergan for sleep.  About once a week, or less.  When I really need a good night, before a big day.  I won't take them 2 nights in a row, and I alternate between them because I'm paranoid - I need them to work when I need them.  Could this be messing with my histamine system?

 

I'm still on 1/2 tablet of non-drowsy antihistamine daily.  I don't know if they are time release and maybe I"m screwing up by breaking the tablets, but I don't want to take a whole one anymore, especially when you consider that my liberal use of antihistamines as a hay fever allergic child may have been a contributor to my submitting to psych drugs after years of trouble.  

(or in orthomolecular terms, may have contributed to the pyrrholuria, blah blah).

 

Oh yes, kidney and bladder (not relevant to withdrawal, but part of my life nonetheless) my GP wants to escalate our imaging - I've had 2 bladder/kidney ultrasounds - to a cystoscopy.  This is a day surgery thing where they knock me out and go into the urethra with a scope and look around for cysts and test the muscles and find out why I have a retention problem (I retain too much).  Kidneys look fine visually.

 

In spite of it, I feel stable.  I may be shopping a little bit much, but it's not manic, more like a way to comfort myself when I feel so helpless.  A pretty lepidolite egg (remember the bracelet?), some books, some inktastic pencils, some watercolor pencils, a sketchpad (as if I will really draw or paint something)  Anyhow, in spite of the shopping, I feel good, just very slow, and impatient about it.  There.  Just thinking that - and my heart is pounding again.  I guess I'm alive, anyway.

 

ALL of my mental health team are coming to hear Dr. Groetzschke speak next week.  Even my acupuncturist.  My psychiatrist is probably not going to the orthomolecular thing in March, she would have to schedule off work, and I think she plans her Continuing Education a year in advance (in places like India and Hawaii).  She also told me that Groetzschke is giving several talks around Brisbane, at University, and Medical Society and Psych Society things, probably with a slightly different focus for each one, and she said he is held in high esteem - she may go to more than one talk, if she can find the time.

 

So there it is:  I have symptoms.  It's not dramatic, but it's not a cake walk, either.  I have no way of knowing what is withdrawal, what is iatrogenic, and what is just "run down, out of shape."

 

Whew!  That feels like a confessional!  Now I know what people mean when they say:  do I press Post?  (I will)

[JanCarol]

.....and oh yeah.  The hand.  The hand is what is keeping me from karate more than anything.  And yoga.

 

The splint, or "The Thing" as I called it - DAMAGED the hand further, causing pain in places where I didn't have pain before.  I took 2 weeks off of the metal splint, and this week, I've been putting a softer splint on it.  Probably wrongly, as I usually wait until it gets sore before I splint it, when really - it should probably be in splint at least 20 hours a day.  But I thought I would give it a rest to see if it is any better.

 

It's not.  So that's being escalated, too, to an Occupational Hand specialist.  I call them on Monday to see.

 

For you Yanks:  for physical therapy and occupational therapy, in the US, your access to these people is controlled by the Doctors.  i.e., you get a script, and it is for 3x a week for 4 weeks or whatever.  Australia it is the opposite.  You rock up and if the Physio or OT thinks you need a doctor's attention, they will refer you to the doctor.  You can go anytime you have pain, and if you find a good one, you just call for an appointment like you would to a chiropractor.  Only (I think) they are usually smarter than chiropractors.

 

 Except of course for the guy who put "The Thing" on my hand and then left for a distant practice, leaving me holding, "The Thing."

[peggy]

no wonder you feel tired Jan!  

I think you are doing amazingly well

[btdt]

http://www.drugs.com/sfx/phenergan-side-effects.html

side effects of phenergan... I had never heard of it so I looked it up. Some of your symptoms are the same as side effects I wonder if it interacts with the antihistamine the half you take in the day.... one thing is the heart thing which I have too and I don't take any drugs at all so I know who knows... 

 

I had a cystoscopy when I was in tolerance Not sure if it has anyting to do with anything but bladder issues have been a long standing problem of mine. 

 

"I have itchy, rashy places around lymph nodes on my armpits and groin.  On one side of the groin, the lymph node is swollen and hard."

got this one Jan both the lymph nodes and the rashes.  I had them for a few years at one point my doctor wanted to take out the enlarge lymph node in my groin.. I did see a surgeon I asked what he expected to find.. he said likely nothing... I said I was afraid of reactions to drugs to put me out... he said we could do a local... still I did not have it taken out and lately it is hurting  a lot more.  Now I wish I had it done the lumps under my arm have cleared... I had them under my breast too those come and go... still. 

I have some other lumps not sure where all my lymph nodes are tho.. to tell the truth. 

 

This one we have in common...

" I have no way of knowing what is withdrawal, what is iatrogenic, and what is just "run down, out of shape."

 

of my sinuses being thick and runny, clogged and raw.

[JanCarol]

Yah, the phenergan use is minor, maybe 2x a month.  If it were daily, I'd be looking at it for causes.  It's used here in Australia instead of Benadryl, which I think you have to swear your first born child to the chemist if you want any.  I get the benadryl shipped in, or buy it in the states in bulk, and keep it around for bee stings.  I took it last night for this darned rash, and have been greatly improved today.

 

It's just a matter of whether or not I'm going to tell Doc about the rash tomorrow.  I'm not real comfortable showing my fat groin, even to a doc. Especially when it's covered in red angry spots and swollen.  We'll see how I get through tonight.

 

Thing is, a lot of the antidepressants got their chemical start as antihistamines, and they are at least cousins, if not brothers....and I've been on antihistamines of one sort or another since 1972.  That's 42 years.  I keep trying to taper off, but it's always allergy season in Australia. The daily dose is down to half.

 

Today was a "scared to leave the house" day - not because of anxiety or panic, but because I didn't know if I could get away from the toilet for that long.

 

I love to drive in my car, listening to music.  I think it's therapeutic, especially when I can sing, too. (and nobody else need hear it!)  But the car doesn't have a toilet.  

[btdt]

I wear pads still it is not very helpful with it is the other and you need to clean up all the time. It does allow me to get out when I need to... but requires packing a bag. 

[JanCarol]

Oh, B.  I'm not ready for that yet!

[Meimeiquest]

JanCarol how is your gut strategy going? In my continuing ed stuff I get more and more info about how it affects EVERYTHING. At one seminar they said the discovery of the gut microbiome is the biggest scientific discovery of the past one hundred years. I think it is ground zero for me, causing the pyrrole (oxidative stress) and copper issues. But no proof, and surprising given my family history.

[JanCarol]

Meimei I had a huge setback with a 20 days of antibiotics following a UTI.  I'm still having trouble with fungus (on skin).

 

I'm off all grains, 90% of dairy (an occasional cream or cheese), eggs, honey, kidney beans (of all things).  I still eat sugar, but it's greatly reduced.

 

The gut is major, I'm sure it is, and I'm sure it's not helped by my rectal prolapse (ut oh, TMI, I was gonna avoid that topic in here, but there ya go), which makes it difficult to do anything "right."

 

I'm still having copper / zinc issues.  We have had mainstream TV science shows talk about faecal transplants for IBS - but I guess in the US they are doing it because of an ugly gut bug that has, er, gone viral.

 

I wish I could wave my magic wand and make it all be fine again.  But lacking that, I've found a probiotic called "Progurt" which is supposed to replenish the biome, and you only need to take it once a month.  I still take a daily probiotic - but - take the progurt in addition, and it does seem to help immensely.

 

Other studies and science shows I have seen talk about the vitality of fibre, or prebiotics, in prevention of disease.  I have found it difficult to keep my fibre up in my grain free diet.  I take glucomannan and flax seed, and other fibres in capsules, but it's probably only about 1/10th of my need.  Apparently ancient humans ate 50-100 grams of fibre per day, and we are doing good to get 10!

 

I wish I were clever enough to give you the actual studies, instead of just saying, "I read," "I saw somewhere," but that's the best I can do!  I'm glad to hear you seem to be doing well, in spite of all of the busy-ness - or maybe because of - in your life!  

[JanCarol]

Making my own water kefir = fail.

Coconut milk kefir - I will only use in smoothies.  I'm not working out - so I'm not making smoothies.  Hubby still eats wider variety of stuff than me, but is understanding of what I need, and we've found some tasty (usually Indian, though not always) recipes that are "safe"

 

We've also found red basmati rice!  Red and black rice, and I'm working on throwing quinoa in sometime soon......(I think he'll like it, but not until he's tried it! 

 

He's a funny funny man.  Thinks that rice = beans, and we can just serve a curry over baked beans......  Sigh.  

[JanCarol]

Here is the difference between a specialist and a generalist.  You've seen my picture of "The Thing," well, here is what the new hand physio has done:

 

 

She is only stopping movement where the injury is - instead of shifting the injury to other parts of my hand, like previous splints have done.  THIS, I can work with.  It still hurts, but it feels much better, and it's more workable.  I can take it off, put it back on again, wash it.  I did wake up in pain last night, I moved it wrong - the splint is a "reminder" not a barrier.  And in my sleep, I can't always control what I do.  Sometimes I take a little foam pad to bed to give it a softer place to sleep.

 

The rash was a fungus, which I did show to doc.  Now treating, hopefully I'll see improvement soon.

[JanCarol]

So last night, it got to 3 am.  And I was still wide awake, with appointments today.

 

I wasn't tired, sleepy or ready to go, so I used all the strategies I knew - read  for 15 minutes (that helped), brushed teeth, and put on meditation MP3's (The first one was called "tumble into sleep" or something)

 

I did get to sleep by 4 and didn't wake up again until 6:30, then 8, then 10, the got out of bed at 11 am to make my appointments.

 

THEN, in the evening, nearly every evening, I get drowsy at 8:30 - way too early to go to sleep.

 

Just a sample of what my sleep is like.

 

I'm contemplating a 9% cut in a weeks time......

[mammaP]

Your sleep sounds much like mine Jan. I was exhausted the other day and went to bed early at 12, woke up and thought it must be nearly morning and it was 1.30am.  I would love to fall asleep and wake up after 5 or 6 hours, 8 would be a minor miracle     ! 

 

The 'thing' looks very uncomfortable, glad you have that sorted now and hope it is better soon.

[JanCarol]

Did a small 8% taper today.  It's going to be awkward for a bit because I'm using sliced tablets to get there.

 

And I think I'm going go adjust my thyroid, after talking to my doctor-friend in the USA.  It's weird just DOING that, just deciding to adjust it and then adjust it.  With thyroid in particular I am so conditioned to wait until the Doc tells me to make a change.  But it's a minor change, and it might help me with the incessant body heat (I can have the car a/c blowing on me so cold I've got goosebumps, but still my core is hot and my neck and scalp are sweating), and perhaps with my sleep.

 

I'm reducing and moving my B vitamins to earlier in the day.  One month on 1/3 of what I was (generally) and then next month I will go back to 2/3, with no B vitamins after noon.

 

My sleep schedule:  I am dead at 8:30 am and 8:30 pm.  I am high at 3 pm and 3 am.  I sleep from about 3 am to about noon.   I'd love to know if this is cortisol, but my local doc is befuddled about when to test it.  If I test it to the "cortisol schedule" I am dead asleep for the first one at 8 am, just barely alive at 12 pm, fine at 4 pm, and sinking fast at 8 pm.  My US doctor/friend told me to take the test when *I* wake up, to *MY* schedule.  but what will that tell me?  My local doc wants to check cortisol in blood, but needs me to do it at a certain time of day.........

 

If I don't see improvement in the next couple of months, I'm going to request an increase in pregnenolone.  My doctor friend LAUGHED at how "evil" local docs & chemists think that Dhea is.  She would give it to me in a heartbeat.  I remember having a meltdown when I learned that the very thing I need to get well - is not really on the menu here.  Oh, I could bully my doc and make her prescribe it for me.  She would do it reluctantly (but not good for our relationship to do that) and then pay $70 to have it compounded. (when I could get 100 tablets for $3.95 from the US, if only I wouldn't get arrested for it!)

 

I also told my doctor friend about my adrenal supplement, which is dehormonized bovine adrenal and gonads.  She snorted!  "What is the point of that?" she said - "do they want to ENSURE you never get the hormones you need?"  Sigh.

 

But I'm stable.  I'm running around doing stuff.  I'm spending a bit too much money, but I think it's for a good cause - me!  

 

Off to adjust my sig to reflect this new taper.

[peggy]

Go girl!

[LoveandLight]

Glad your stable

[Meimeiquest]

Well, friend, you are doing great, but I know a lot of discomfort at the same time.

 

Some books you might find interesting:

The Autoimmune Solution by Meyers?Myers (she had same thyroid surgery as you)

The Adrenal Reset Diet by Christianson (lots besides diet-only one I have read)

The Hormone Reset Diet by Gottfried (May not be quite out. Christianson-endorsed except he says carb rec. is too low and berberine should only be used for two weeks)

www.larabriden.com

 

I am supposed to teleconsult with Mensah in three weeks, but we may not be able to afford it. What are your thoughts about how zinc and B6 are adjusted after six months? I may have to hack this on my own.

 

Our dear friend/enemy has totally retooled psycheducation.org. You might want to search "lithium biological clock." But I'm guessing your sleep issues are adrenal-related and well-earned.

[JanCarol]

Grumpy today.  Grumpy at dogs, kids on bikes (WHY do they have earphones in when they are IN TRAFFIC?), grumpy about the library moving 5k and 15 minutes further away.  Grumpy that the only access to the library is in the middle of the building - you can't just walk straight in, but must go to the middle and walk up or down.  Grumpy about being ugly, fat, and out of shape.  Grumpy that a friend has landed in hospital due to persistent belief structures, or restructures of reality.  Grumpy that this adrenal fatigue thing doesn't seem to be doing me any good, but I'm on the "Australian dehormonized treament" where in the USA I would be getting hormones.  Grumpy, grumpy grumpy old Jan.

 

Not depression, not sad, just grumpy.  Don't cross my path, grumpy.

 

Fortunately, ended the day with some nice Yin Yoga.  First day back.  Couldn't do it all (knee complained), but it was nice.  Better now.

[JanCarol]

I read and listened to some Kelly Brogan.  

 

I learned that I would've been better off fed breast milk, as a baby.  I was in foster care for the first 6 months of my life - no way I was being breast fed.  

But - that said, I turned out OK (not deficient, as her examples were) - but I can't help thinking - if I'd gotten that breast milk, I would've been AWESOME!  If wishes were horses, beggers would fly.

 

THEN I learned that my saurkraut can be a mood stabilizer.  Fermented foods and drinks can stabilise the guts and therefore become mood stabilisers.  So I will be more faithful about my saurkraut.  I've yet to find one that is clean and "real" (not just the grocery store kind) which I like the taste of.  My current saurkraut is from sea vegetables - good for me - but not very tasty.  The search continues.  I think I will try a beetroot one, next.

 

Mood is less grumpy, but I'm still a bit distracted, down.  

 

I had no idea now much being sedentary - no karate, no yoga - actually eased my pain in knee, hip and back.  Now, back to one class of yoga, and the knee pain is back, and I have a gripping headache today.  That definitely affects my mood, it's not grumpy, more like lack of focus, concentration.

 

Ironic.  Being sedentary felt better (usually it doesn't), but I have to keep trying to get active, or I will become a wobbly pile of goo!

[Meimeiquest]

Always appreciate your updates. I dread the irritability when I think of going back to lithium tapering. It is not fun for us or those around! But there isn't any way but through!

 

In my family, one wasn't breast fed because she had temperature regulation problems from prematurity and was in an incubator for 11 days. And she's the one with Hashimoto's.

 

Another issue with your history is that sometimes when a mom carries a baby under great stress there is a lot of cortisol flooding, which can subtly impact brain development and the HPA-axis. I have a daughter who has that in spades.

 

I am sorry about all the pain. I am thinking about getting an infrared light to use as a simple sauna. If you want to look into it, one way is through Wellness Mama. Then there's the earthing,com stuff. You may remember that I fell last May. My knee is mostly healed but my ankle/Achilles area is a mess. The muscles in my medial and back calf are full of lumps and constricted and it is messing up the structures below it. For some reason driving seems to bother it, and I probably drive an average of two hours a day because every work round trip can be up to three hours.

 

Hang in there....you're going to be done with all this tapering before you know it!

[JanCarol]

Thanks MeiMei, and thanks for the books!  I'm excited about them, had them sent to my kindle queue.  

 

If my sleep issues are adrenal in origin, then they go back 20 or more years!  Which is prior to all the surgeries that I'm blaming this "adrenal fatigue" on.  (never mind about the psych drugs, I'm sure they didn't help!)

 

I ask myself every night, when I'm finally awake, finally productive at 2 am.  WTF?  Why am I doing this?  And how will I make my appointments tomorrow?

 

I'm sorry to hear about your achilles/calf thing.  Ouch!  You remember when we were younger, and we thought if you broke something, it would heal and you'd be fine?  Well that's true, but . . . it gets slower and harder the older we get.  I love topical magnesium for pain, just did some on my hand - maybe I'll do some on my knee before I sleep tonight.

 

I can't imagine working, much less a 2 hour round trip commute!  You rock!  (you may not think you do, but you do!)

[ten0275]

JC, hello.

thank you so very much for stopping by my thread, reading my story, and saying such kind things. it means a great deal to me. and also thank you for welcoming me to the team of moderators - i consider it a privilege to support our community here in this way, and to work with such an intelligent and compassionate team.

i've now gone and read you story too. i time-traveled back to 2013 and was fairly on the edge of my seat as you wrote your intro in chapter form - and a page turner at that. replete with bigfoot ambling about in rush hour, ego-serving gurus, and the reuniting with your birth-family amongst myriad other happenings!?!? and of course, the chemicals - those veritable poisons.... intense, all of it! incense, smoldering like it! immense, and so amazing you stand as you do now. unreal! but real!

i have one question for you. how do i explain to my boss the purchase order i will need to submit to replace my work computer here after you caught me off-guard, with that "Huevos Gordos" moniker that i will never live down (thank you very much, pug!), and i lost an entire mouthful of coffee on my pc, thus shorting the damn thing out starbucks-style? ha! oh i laughed out loud, i did! and i thank you for it.

all right. off to the races - or rather an impending meeting. thanks again for stopping by, giving words and heart, and making my day brighter.

hang in there.

dave

[JanCarol]

Hey Dave - are you Peter Gabriel in disguise?  Just saying - it's not every day you run across the emotional intelligence that you radiate!

 

On the surface I am fine, I'm fairly productive, I'm social, I try to be helpful, and I feel like my life has porpoise again.

 

But it's still there, and it's still real.  

 

I was on a massage table today, with a lady who gives an excellent, healing, but thorough massage, using pure water, hot stones, coconut oil - usually very delicious and yummy, but also helps me rearrange my painful bits (she knows what she's doing).

 

I then realized I had parasthesia down my left leg.  On the outside.  She would rub it, and it was numb and needley at the same time.

 

Then I noticed that I wasn't really enjoying the massage, and I was wondering when it would be over.  Usually - I am praying for more time, more, don't stop!  But not today.

 

So weather:  fine with a touch of parasthesia and overcast with anhedonia.  

 

But I also know that if I keep moving, I will find pleasure again.  Keep faking it until I make it.

[calithebold]

Fake it till you make it is perfect, I feel like I should do that more often. I guess now I must, or I'll never get better!

 

Proud of you!!!!!!

[AliG]

Jan, just dropped by to say hi.  Was wondering how you're doing ? 

[JanCarol]

Hey all, thanks for stopping by.  (I feel like a hostess, would you like some tea?  scones?   )

 

I've been - 

 

(struggling for words)

 

challenged?

 

out-of sync?

 

on the floor (fatigued?)

 

I've been getting things done - sort of.  The laundry is fine, the cat is fed (but why won't she eat?) & clean & been to vets.  The car is clean, the shopping is done, the friends are visited (well, mostly).  There has been some progress on my coloring projects, and now I found some woodworking (putting a sigil on a wooden sword and re-sanding and oiling a laurel camphor bowl), and painting (paint by numbers, and plaster seashells and such to paint) to add to the "projects" list.  

 

I've been going back to yoga.  And - yes.  It's been gentle yoga (I can't do the vigorous stuff with my hand).  And after class on Monday, I felt great - I did everything, I stayed in the poses as long as I could, I managed to support myself when needed.  And then the next day fell through the floor.  I had a physio appointment & got there, picked up the post, and little else.  And Pain.  The pain continued into today, when I went to Yin Yoga (gentler of the two).  I couldn't do much.   I just lay in positions thinking about bad things and crying.  By the time I found my position with blocks and straps and bolsters, the pose was over.  Frustrating.

 

So I took a long, magnesium, himalayan salt bath.  A strong one, with borax and ACV.  I feel better in my body now, but still frail inside.

 

I am sleeping 4 am - 2 pm (unless I have to get up for something, then I do without = grumpy)

 

I did not taper (today was "taper day").  

 

I was afraid to even cut my thyroid as planned.  So I alternated.  I figure with thyroid it doesn't matter as much if I take it exactly every day.  So next 3 weeks is an experiment in 90 one day, 120 the next (total of 150 / 180 per day).  I was too scared to cut the full amount.  and 30 mg is my smallest tablet.  So I will see how this goes.  Unfortunately, my compounding chemist makes EVERYTHING the same color.  So I cannot tell the tablets apart.  I suppose I could've marked them somehow, but I have no idea which days I'm taking what.

 

Additionally, my frustration with "Dr. Wilson's Adrenal treatment - after 6 months at $132 a month, has driven me spare.  I ordered an adrenal glandular from the USA.  For 1/10th the cost, and 1/6 the number of tablets per day.  My USA doctor/friend said, "I used to think glandulars were a load of crock, but now I cannot make it through the day without them." and that she thought it would be worth a try.  So I will taper off the Dr. Wilson's expensive blahblahblah woo stuff.

 

So that is 2 changes in one week, a little more than ordinary.  My B vitamins are all moved back to "morning"  This late night thing in Australia . . . 

 

I keep thinking about what I used to believe:  I sleep when I sleep and I'm stable.  And what Alto said:  just sleep when you do.  

 

And I keep thinking about how difficult it is to maintain a life here with my sleep schedule.  And I'm sleeping longer - my psychotherapist (and doctor, probably) would say I'd get better sleep before midnight and need less of it.  Ah.  Well.  I don't know how to fix this.

 

Is it the lithium that's caused this to go out of whack?  Or the greater demands on my time?  Or - is it  just that I'm not going to karate and driving myself as hard?  Through stress, we thrive?  (but if the latter was true, why is gentle yoga hammering me?) Ah, well. 

 

I go on.  I cannot untangle it all at once.  I did find out that the chest pain, uncomfortable heart rate could've been caused by using licorice, an adaptogenic herb, for this "adrenal fatigue" thing - licorice leeches potassium.  Not very safe in older people.  Shee-it.  So I may visit an herbalist to see if she can enhance what this doctor has done to me.

 

I'm hoping she's smarter and better trained than I am.  (I do have someone in mind)  And I recognize that my damage - my health - is a tricky spirally spaghetti puzzle for anyone to look at.

 

I've gotten so that I'm doctor-phobic.  I don't want to tell anyone medical what I'm doing or even how I'm doing, much less step up and cough and put blood in a vial so they can prescribe....... sheer terror.  I'm missing organs, some of which I shouldn't be - because of doctor's belief systems and training.  I'm sure there are exceptions.  But.  

 

So I go on.  I'm back to say hello!  Hope y'all are seeing through windows!

[Meimeiquest]

Relate to so much of this! But above all, the doctor phobia. But you have been "treated" in spades! Love my new pdoc, but in studying, I am really really lucky all the inositol he recommended didn't do me in...inositol is a building block for something lithium inhibits, and he had absolutely no idea. He says my case is complicated, like that explains it. So complicated we have to take care of ourselves. No doctor can assess me, I have such incredible anxiety about seeing them. I am afraid if I don't explain everything just right they will assess me inaccurately, and then....

 

Did I already say this...I read if your sleep cycle jumps forward, the easiest way to bring it back (if you want to) is to stay up progressively later, until it puts you at the time you want, instead of trying to go to sleep earlier.

 

I think you are doing a great job! Hang in there!

[JanCarol]

Inositol?  Oh geez.  I'm on it.  OH!  With a quick look - it's not so much that they counteract one another, but that lithium depletes inositol.  So maybe I will increase that one (I'm on a test dose, smallest available, to see that it doesn't hurt me - it hasn't, yet, so feels safe to increase it)

 

I've thought about staying up straight through, but I have to plan for a day when I've got nothing on, and don't have the discipline to "stay awake" through the day into the night again....there are clinics that do this, and they wake you up, and keep you awake when you start to shut down! 

 

That said, when I do the long flights to the US, it effectively does the same thing - I'm wrecked for 3 days after that, but sure enough, I sleep at more normal times for about 3 weeks afterwards.  I just don't think I have the strength to do it on my own, as it is - well.  Extreme.  (for me)

 

And if this experience is any indication - I'd have to do it every month.....

[AliG]

It's hard isn't it , when you have to work all this stuff out yourself. I don't trust doc's and try and work it all out myself with an addled brain.  I feel like I'm doing a degree in health, with the research I'm doing.  Anyway, keep up the good work. 

[Meimeiquest]

I don't think yon "need" to change anything. But if you want to, I would say just do it a bit at a time, not the big "gulp." Have you read of the theory that part of how lithium works is by antagonizing the enzyme that starts the cascade to change the circadian rhythm? I don't know if it is withdrawal (I think) from lithium or an underlying problem, but I have to be so meticulous about when I go to bed and light/dark to stay functional. Last Friday, my husband's flight was delayed, so we didn't get to bed till after midnight (9:30 is late to me), and woke up about 5:15 (much better than my usual 3ish). I recently foiled the bedroom windows, and we laid in bed talking with just little wisps of light till about 10. I was a mess for the whole weekend, no energy.

 

Once again, keep up the good work! I hope the adrenal extract really helps.

[JanCarol]

Hey Meimei, I've been thinking about that - move your bedtime an hour later until you get squared around.  I think about it all the time!

 

But if I already go to bed at 4 am, moving it to 5 am would mess up my day even more!  And what happens when I'm sleeping 6 am to 4 pm?

 

I think that's probably more traumatic than the "long stay up"

 

I'll continue to think about it.

[JanCarol]

Sadness is a feeling.

I think it is better than no feeling.

I am moved to emote – emotion. 

 

This has been helped by the tools of media – movies, music, plays.

 

First was Cinderella, the movie. It was blatantly manipulative – but I wonder how many women are in this forum because “someday their prince would come” and it never worked out “happily ever after” – that little girl dream that lived in so many of us – not necessarily of the prince, but of the happy ending.  And the music of the movie, the dance and the magical dress drove me to tears as I realized I was duped.  Set up with false hopes and Easter bunnies for things which did not exists.

 

Where does creative imagination, and belief in that imagination begin, and where does attachment to that belief bring misery?  This deep feeling of nostalgia...

 

And as there were so many princesses – in their princess gowns and tiaras – in the audience to the film, I wondered:  will they be smashed and shattered the same way that I was?  Will they face rape, suicide, rejection, pain and suffering – and will they rise to those stresses – or will they fall through the bottom, as I did, as so many in here did?

 

* * *

 

Next was Cats.  MammaP just saw it live.  I’ve seen it 3 times live, different each time.  Hubby hasn’t taken to it – but he doesn’t have the same background as me.  He loves cats, but not literature.  The musical Cats is a blend of both (T.S. Eliot, Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats).

But here’s the tear jerker.  Grizabella, the Glamour Cat.  Is old, and grizzled and her “days in the sun – I was beautiful then” are gone. Gone. Gone.  Memories.  Only my memories of being “beautiful” (physically) are memories of being monstrous (socially & emotionally) and so it’s bitter bitter, instead of bittersweet.  I’m a better person now, and yet I cling to that beauty I had – that agility of mind and body, that energy.  Gone.  Gone. Gone.  Memories.

And Grizabella is selected by Old Deuteronomy to be transformed, to go up to the Heaviside Layer, to be born anew.  And I do see people here in SA who bloom like flowers, but I somehow think that I won’t be one of them.

 

Slow, heavy, tedious, is this my nature now?  I caution others from using the word “always” – or “never” and yet – how will I *change* my own?  I see Grizabella going up to the Heaviside Layer to become beautiful again, and it is not me.

 

So I cry.

* * *

The third catharsis is musical.  Suzanne Vega’s “Days of Open Hand.”

 

I’ve only done the first 3 tracks, but they’ve moved me deeply.  She understands what it is to come out of the dark cave, creeping into the light, shading your eyes, wanting to cower back into the cave but knowing that life lies outside the cave.

It’s too much to post the vids here – look them up on YouTube for the full effect.  I will just post sample lyrics:

 

Tired of sleeping:

“Oh, Mom.  I wonder will I be waking?  It’s just that there’s so much to do and I’m tired of sleeping.”

 

This has been “My song” for 25 years now.  I’m still waiting to wake.  I’m better, I am truly better, but will I wake  enough before aging brings the blinds down again?

 

Men In A War:

“Men In a war, when they’ve lost a limb, still feel that limb, as they did before…..I know how it is, when something is gone, a piece of your eyesight, maybe your vision.  A corner of sense, goes blank on the screen, a piece of the scan, gets filled in by hand”

 

Is like the stories here in SA.  We remember, we still feel, that loss, that thing we felt before.  It’s not the same, the limb is gone – and it takes soooooo long to re-grow a limb (limbic system).  So much feeling for the way things were before the drugs, for the clear eyes, the steady walk, the freedom to come and go and do, the ability.  We still feel for that limb….as we did, before.

 

Rusted Pipe:

“Now the time has come to speak. 

I was not able.And water from a rusted pipe, Could make the sounds that I do. 

Gurgle, mutter, Hiss, stutter,

Moan the words like water, Rush and foam and choke. 

Having waited this long of a winter, I fear I only, Croak and sigh.

“Somewhere deep within, Hear the creak, That lets the tale begin.

“Now the time has come to move. 

I was not able. Water through a rusted pipe, could make the moves that I do.

Stagger, stumble, Trip, fumble, Creep, along and trickle, Freeze and cough and grip.

“Having waited, this long of a winter, I fear I only, Slip and Slide

“Somewhere deep within, Hear the creak, that lets the tale begin.”

 

And this is for me the coming out of the cave I spoke of above.  The trying to start up.  To speak again, to engage again, to move again – and the effort that the simple things – a word – a step – are still challenges.  And in meeting those challenges, the traumas that drove me into the cave, into the winter, into the darkness – are still there, need to be accepted, and integrated – and that it part of what makes it so difficult (besides the rust!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9DV6POcGAHA

 

* * *

Sorry for the long post, just a touch-base.  These characters, these songs, are but symbols of where I am what I’m doing, how this thing is going along.  Creak, gurgle, mutter, hiss, moan, trip, fumble – but I am moving.

 

That said, the feelings coming as freely as they are - coupled with yoga and magnesium bath - and I feel a wash of relieving endorphins.  Something normal, as my body tries to comfort my sadness.

[JanCarol]

Oh yes:  the adrenal.  With taking the adrenal, I'm confident to reduce my thyroid completely (instead of every other day) by 30 mg a day.

 

I worry that too much thyroid, while taking the adrenal, will overstimulate me.

 

This tells me that the adrenal is doing something, so I will back off on the thyroid completely next time, and let it work.

 

So - it looks like another 6 weeks from now before next lithium taper, minimum.