Sunnydays0912: scared to taper from Lexapro and Seroquel. Help!

[Rhiannon]

I'm generally skeptical of these "diagnoses," but glad to hear your doctor doesn't want to change things on you or add any new meds right now.

[Altostrata]

Did you discuss going off Prozac with this doctor?

[sunnydays0912]

Whenever I asked about plans for medication in the future, he told me it's uncertain for now. He really listened to all the med changes I've been put through and is actually worried about the health of my serotonin neurotransmitters. So he said to leave it alone and stabilize. That's it. He was pretty adamant on leaving everything alone right now and focus on getting a proper diagnoses. He also gave me Ativan to take for now to get me through the anxiety and said it's much safer than Xanax. But I'm still weary of taking it.

[Altostrata]

Ativan is not safer than Xanax. Be careful with it.

[sunnydays0912]

So the last two days anxiety has not shown it's ugly mug and my thinking is becoming clearer, thank God. The only real symptom I have currently is depression . It definitely came back a great deal with WD, but not as bad as it was when Lexapro pooped out. And I think it may not be as bad today, though it usually peeks around 4pm so I'll see how I feel in couple hours.

 

Hopefully the worst has passed?

[Petunia]

Hi Sunny,

I'm glad you are feeling a little better.  Are you taking the Ativan? What dose?  If so, please would you add it to your signature.

[sunnydays0912]

I'm not taking it since my anxiety hasn't been a issue since seeing my doctor. I haven't even gotten it filled. If I start taking it regularly I'll be sure to add it to my sig! But I try my best to stay away from those meds.

[sunnydays0912]

Wow, my eye twitching has all of a sudden gotten worse the last 2 hours. It hasn't been so bad the last few days (barely noticed it yesterday) so I hoped it was related to WD. But it's bad right now. I forgot to even mention it to my doctor. This is so upsetting

[sunnydays0912]

So I think I'm entering a new stage of WD. I've been ok for the most part recently. Feeling more windows of normalcy. But still dealing with general brain fog. And it seems to be returning but in a different, more anxious way.

 

I feel like I'm slowly losing my consciousness, which is a frightening thought. Like my brain is only functioning at half capacity and my general well being and comfort level is getting worse by the hour. I feel I'm losing touch with myself and I don't like it.

 

Does this at all make sense?

[Meimeiquest]

Yes, but I think it is because you are getting better I always feel like changing symptoms beat being in the same rut by a mile.

[sunnydays0912]

But this general unease feeling is really giving me anxiety thinking I'm going crazy or my brain is slowly dying or something. I'm trying to focus on more logical reasoning, but I'm so uncertain what is causing it and what is happening so I am struggling to keep my cool.

[Meimeiquest]

Well, I'm sure your brain is not decaying because virtually everyone goes through weird head symptoms and suspects a dire, unique problem, but so far none have lost their minds (I might be the one exception . I think you have moved into a new manifestation of anxiety, maybe you could read the thread on that symptom? Very glad to hear from you again!

[Altostrata]

What I'm hearing is that you are stabilizing but still finding reasons to continually drive your anxiety higher.

 

Please focus on self-soothing -- calming yourself down. See http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1112-non-drug-techniques-to-cope-with-emotional-symptoms/

[Petunia]

I feel like I'm slowly losing my consciousness, which is a frightening thought. Like my brain is only functioning at half capacity and my general well being and comfort level is getting worse by the hour. I feel I'm losing touch with myself and I don't like it.

 

 

You are on anti-depressant medication and this tends to be the way they effect many people. They numb everything, sort of turn down the volume of the experience of life, including our experience of our self.  Isn't this better than being overwhelmed with everything, having everything being too stimulating and causing anxiety so you can't cope with your life?

 

It sounds like you are stabilizing, which is good.

 

Eventually you will be able to taper off slowly and safely and get back in touch with your natural state.

[sunnydays0912]

Well, I'm sure your brain is not decaying because virtually everyone goes through weird head symptoms and suspects a dire, unique problem, but so far none have lost their minds (I might be the one exception . I think you have moved into a new manifestation of anxiety, maybe you could read the thread on that symptom? Very glad to hear from you again!

  

 

I think I do need to read up on this since you all seem to be telling me this new form of anxiety is actually a sign of stabilization? I guess you could understand why that sounds odd for me so I definitely need to read up on it.

 

What I'm hearing is that you are stabilizing but still finding reasons to continually drive your anxiety higher.Please focus on self-soothing -- calming yourself down. See http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1112-non-drug-techniques-to-cope-with-emotional-symptoms/

 

I'll read up on it. Again, had no idea anxiety was somehow a sign if stabilizing.

 

 

  

 

I feel like I'm slowly losing my consciousness, which is a frightening thought. Like my brain is only functioning at half capacity and my general well being and comfort level is getting worse by the hour. I feel I'm losing touch with myself and I don't like it.

 

 

You are on anti-depressant medication and this tends to be the way they effect many people. They numb everything, sort of turn down the volume of the experience of life, including our experience of our self.  Isn't this better than being overwhelmed with everything, having everything being too stimulating and causing anxiety so you can't cope with your life?

 

It sounds like you are stabilizing, which is good.

 

Eventually you will be able to taper off slowly and safely and get back in touch with your natural state.

This is surprising to me because while on Lexapro I was on the opposite side. It built my confidence level, helped me be able to focus and concentrate on getting things done, gave me energy and motivation, and I was able to finally fall in love with my newborn son and not feel overwhelmed with anxiety over having to care for him. That's why I almost believe my pdocs suggestion that I may have inattentive ADD. But I'm trying not to worry about that right now, I'm trying to just get stabilized.

 

 

I have another appt. with my pdoc on Monday. I have no idea what he will do since last time he just said to leave my Prozac alone and we are going to look into the ADD testing. The only thing I'm worried about is how would I handle ADD meds in my current state? Is there any information on ADD meds on this site? I talked to a couple friends I know who take ADD meds and they swear by them...but given my current state I can't imagine I would handle it well. So I don't know what to tell my pdoc.

[Altostrata]

sunny, as for your current condition, my opinion is that 40mg Prozac, taken consistently, is helping you stabilize. However, you might have a "new form of anxiety" because 40mg Prozac is too high a dosage for you.

As you may recall:

My guess is 40mg Prozac is too much.

Anxiety can be a side effect of SSRIs, indicating too high a dosage.

Despite all your problems with these drugs, you persist in believing they will make you a happy, happy person, and that they correct your neurotransmitters. Your psychiatrist is talking the usual line of hot air.

 

We have said repeatedly you need to let your nervous system rest from all the drugs and all the drug changes, yet you look forward to adding ADHD drugs (AMPHETAMINE ANALOGS THAT ARE STIMULANTS) to the mix.

Sure, keep on battering your nervous system. This is something I find very disturbing and frustrating.

 

[sunnydays0912]

Alto, I'm not at all saying I am looking forward to starting ADD meds. I'm concerned that's the direction my pdoc will want to go, but I highly doubt I could handle it in my state. I want to learn more about them so I can go into his office better informed.

 

I don't know what he was thinking, but the way he sounded when we talked of my switching over to Prozac per my GP's advice was very troubled. He did make it sound like he wasn't happy I was on Prozac at all and just said we weren't going to touch it for now so I could stabilize.

 

I want off the Prozac though. If it's causing me anxiety and my eye still twitching, then it needs to go.

[Petunia]

Sunnydays, it sounds like you are heading in the direction I went.  I finally managed to get off Lexapro in 2010.  I struggled for a while, but thought I was ok for about 2 months.  I was functioning, slowly improving, but not understanding that I was still having withdrawal issues.  Then I got diagnosed with ADD and for about a year was 'trying' to find the right stimulant and the right dose.

 

I started to get new symptoms as soon as I started on the ADD meds, but didn't realize it was related to previous drug use and my nervous system already being unstable.  I developed OCD type symptoms and my hearing became very sensitive, I was being driven crazy by certain sounds.  In one way the stimulants made me feel better, but only for a short time after I had taken them.  I would get terrible rebound symptoms.  So I just kept taking more and more often.

 

I finally 'crashed' in November 2011, and I haven't been the same since.  My life has completely fallen apart.  Physically, emotionally and mentally I'm a wreck and there is nothing I can do about it apart from survive from day to day and wait and see if my brain and body is capable of repairing itself.

 

If I could go back in time, knowing what I know now, I would do things very differently.  I didn't have the benefit of this site or other forums to educate me because I wasn't looking at withdrawal as being my problem.  I was still seeing myself as having a mental health illness and trying to find the right drug to fix me.

 

There was a time when I believed that Zoloft was a wonder drug.  But it also caused deep depression for months at a time and caused weight gain, sexual dysfunction and as the years went on, more and more health issues.  It caused me to not care about the problems in my marriage.  When it pooped out I switched to Serzone and then Lexapro.  As the years went on these drugs helped less and caused more problems.  But I couldn't get off them, I tried seriously 4 times before being successful.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to share a bit of my story with you because I can see you heading towards where I am now.  If you think you feel bad now, you have no idea just how bad it can get if you keep putting those poisons into your brain when its already damaged.

[Altostrata]

Your new doctor may be smarter than your old doctor, but he still might have his favorite diagnoses and his favorite drugs.

 

Get to know him a lot better before you take his advice about doing anything to your nervous system.

[sunnydays0912]

Petu, that scares me. A lot. I'm so sorry that happened to you. Out of curiosity, what do health professionals think of your current situation and what lead to it? I know many doctors are in denial so I'm curious what they say when your story is so obvious to be caused by these meds. Or do they think it's something else entirely?

 

I'm afraid I may have already experienced a crash. Because when I was fine on Lexapro, but then switch to Celexa and then switched back to lexapro 2 weeks later, my mind felt like a bomb of electricity went off. It was like stimulation x 100 which caused insane physical and mental agitation and akathisia. Oh, and of course depression. I couldn't function for a week straight, but the pharmacists (no insurance or access to a doctor at the time) told me to continue taking it and I will stabilize (along with having no idea why I was reacting this way). It was the most horrible 3-4 weeks of my life, but I did stabilize and start to feel like my old self around 5-6 weeks. But the moment one life stressor occurred at 7 weeks, I crashed. Lexapro pooped out very suddenly and I crashed. I felt physical sadness so much my body hurt and all I knew to do was cry. I could BARELY make it through the day. That's when I finally saw a GP and he started me on Seroquel which at first helped my energy level and dread, but then numbed me almost completely. To the point where I didn't even understand why people wanted to live. Once I began tapering seroquel, I began to come back to life, but still dealt with horrible depression, demotivation, sadness. I was in such a dysfunctional state, so that's why I decided to switch to Prozac in hopes it would at least help me stabilize some. And it did. I began feeling so much better until I finally discontinued Lexapro and I've since been in this state of constant windows and waves. One part of the day I'm okay. Then the next I'm feeling depression, hopeless, anxiety, feeling disconnected (depersonalizations?) and like I can't continue on. And then another window where I'm okay again.

 

I'm thinking I may have severely harmed my CNS with the Lexapro/celexa flip flop in September. I know that's probably been evident already, but it's making more sense now to me. So I'm even more afraid of what my pdoc will suggest on Monday. Maybe if I reiterate what I just wrote here, I can give him a real understanding of my situation.

 

Also, I've been reading up on PPD a lot more, and I'm honestly afraid that myself without medication is still not healthy. PPD is a real condition that is extremely serious. I remember how I was before getting on meds and I felt like I was changed forever. I won't know for sure until I try, but at this point I'm feeling pretty SOL with or without meds.

[Altostrata]

You would be very, very lucky indeed to find a psychiatrist who can grasp that you might be suffering adverse effects from psychiatric drugs. In other words, don't count on it.

 

It's up to you to whether you want to take the doctor's advice. They're not gods. Unless you make a huge scene, they can't force you to take drugs.

 

As with most psychiatric illnesses, the frequency and dangers of PPD are greatly exaggerated to get women to take antidepressants. You seem to be very susceptible to this propaganda.

 

You may note that I've said at least once earlier in this topic that your honeymoon with antidepressants may very well be over and you would be taking care of yourself by learning non-drugs ways to cope with your emotional concerns. You may not have any choice because you might feel terrible on any psychiatric drug due to your injured nervous system.

[Petunia]

Out of curiosity, what do health professionals think of your current situation and what lead to it? I know many doctors are in denial so I'm curious what they say when your story is so obvious to be caused by these meds. Or do they think it's something else entirely?

 

The last time I saw a health 'professional' was around January 2013, a few months before I found this site.  I had gone back to my doctor, thinking that I needed to try and get back on some kind of anti-depressant.  Around that time I tried Prozac, which made me feel intense anger and violence, along with worse existing symptoms.  Then I went back, thinking that going back onto Lexapro might help.  But the suicidal depression kicked in after 3 days.  I haven't been back since, I was so scared after that.

 

Finding this site and other information has helped me to learn the truth about what has happened to me (my nervous system), but at the same time, its made me angry and extremely distrustful of our whole medical system.  I've always felt like I was mostly responsible for my own health and considered my doctors to be my partners, someone to work 'with', but I believed they knew what they were doing regarding medications and I believed in our social systems and thought that everything was in place to take care of us as individuals.  Now I know the truth, that corporate interests are the basis of most things, not my health and welfare.

 

I doubt I would ever trust a psychiatrist again.  Thankfully I haven't needed to see a regular doctor during the past year or so, I'm not sure what I will do if I ever have to.  Mostly all they have are drugs, and I react badly to all of those now.  I don't do well with supplements either, so most alternative practitioners are dangerous for me too.

 

I don't trust health professionals now, very few of them understand what these drugs do to people long term, so why would I expose myself to their ignorance and risk getting talked into doing something else which would hurt me even more than I already am.  I'm sure many of them mean well, but they don't know the truth about what they are prescribing to people.

 

If I was still tapering and my doctor was being cooperative and still prescribing my meds, I probably wouldn't even tell him I was reducing.  When I stopped taking ADD meds, I just stopped, cancelled my next appointment and let myself be deregistered, which is what happens here in Australia, you have to be registered with the health department to legally take stimulant meds.  All the paperwork and management fees add up to about $700 a year, probably more now.

 

I no longer believe in psychiatry, the DSM or even that the majority of 'mental illness' really even exists.  I think that the way our societies have evolved over the last few hundred years have caused individuals to live increasingly stressful and unnatural lives, and this is what causes most of our problems, not illness caused by chemical imbalances.  I don't have any solutions, but I have found out the hard way that poisoning myself with toxic chemicals year after year has only made my problems worse.  I don't know what else to write, I just don't want you to make your situation even worse than it is. 

 

It doesn't matter what your psychiatrist believes about ADD and stimulant drugs, its business to him/her, you being a patient pays their bills and funds their vacations.  They probably don't see it like that, but that's the truth.  All a psychiatrist has is diagnosis and drugs.  So in order to keep you as a paying customer, you will get a diagnosis which then will keep you coming back for the treatment, which is drugs.

 

My ex-psychiatrist, who is one of the few adult ADD specialists here, now only goes into his city office twice a week, he does his other consultations from home via skype.  He refuses to let his patients pay their fees as they go, and insists on quarterly fees being automatically paid via direct debit, which are very hard to cancel once set up.  He's a nice enough person when you are with him, but the way he has his business set up, its obvious where his priorities are.  I expect that most psychiatrists are the same way.

 

Try and see it from the psychiatrist's perspective.  They only get paid if you continue to be their patient (customer), so they are going to do what they need to do to keep you in that role.  They have the DSM and a prescription pad to help them keep you coming back.  If they can use their tools to convince you that you are sick and they have a treatment, then they have another loyal customer.

 

I'm not sure if anyone has suggested you read 'Anatomy of an Epidemic', but it may help you to understand more.  Maybe I should have just answered your question with a few lines, but I'm feeling particularly awful at the moment and the thought that I may be able to do something to prevent you from harming yourself even more, by ranting a bit, has helped me to distract myself for a while.

[Altostrata]

Brilliant post, Petu.

 

sunnydays, I have to ask. You have been drugged since you were 17, you already have 2 children, why are you worrying about post-partum depression?

[bubble]

Brilliant post, Petu.

 

sunnydays, I have to ask. You have been drugged since you were 17, you already have 2 children, why are you worrying about post-partum depression?

 

when I read what Petu wrote I thought it should be published!

 

I will definitely share it with all the people I care for... 

[sunnydays0912]

Petu I'm shocked by what you've gone through. I didn't know such an evil existed in the world...when I was feeling at my worst, it was torture. I couldn't handle it. And I'm afraid of that coming back and never going away. I believe it was caused by the stress I inflicted on my brain with the flip flopping now, and so now I'm in this hard place again. I don't want to hurt my nervous system anymore with anymore drugs, but I'm afraid tapering will only make that Hell come back. But it's for sure I can't stay where I am right now.

[sunnydays0912]

Brilliant post, Petu.

 

sunnydays, I have to ask. You have been drugged since you were 17, you already have 2 children, why are you worrying about post-partum depression?

Because it was PPD that started this whole mess. I wasn't on any medication for about 3 years before getting it. I had GAD but could handle it. But then my son came and out of nowhere I was hit with PPD almost as soon as I gave birth. I couldn't sleep for a week. I felt too overwhelmed and exhausted and like I was way in over my head. I was also alone and doing it all almost entirely on my own. I should have had a support system there but no one would take work off for me. So I drowned in my own inability to do it on my own, while struggling to feel anything for my baby. I didn't even know what PPD was until I finally said something to my MIL and she told me to go get help. And naive me thought all there is to help was medication. I truly wish I had tried other methods first, but no one was there to help guide me. So when a trusted doctor says "take this and you'll feel better" I listened. I'm just glad I didn't listen to them telling me to take Xanax to sleep.

 

That being said, I really felt I would never be myself again. And then this magic pill not only made me my old self, but a better version? It was a God send to me. I've had such a successful life since, and no one ever told me it would eventually end, so get ready.

 

I don't know what I'm trying to say now. Just that I'm afraid to go back to how I felt before getting treatment, I'm scared of going back to that Hell I experienced with the flip flopping and poop out, and I'm scared of what more damage more meds will do.

 

I'm so tired of this.

[Altostrata]

Sleep issues are very common after giving birth. Not having a support network is not PPD.

 

Unless you are expecting, there is no reason for you to be concerned about PPD.

 

Please consider that psychiatric drugs may no longer work for you under any circumstance. You will need to find a different way to take care of yourself.

[bubble]

moral prevents me from asking for help just so I can have time to myself. 

 

This is exactly the point I was trying to make.

 

I'm afraid you will stay depressed for all the drugs in world until you change this very common cultural condition (that's probably why Eat, Pray, Love  became so popular: being good to ourselves is not selfish, enjoying onself is not sinful. These are all remnants of a puritan religious conditioning... ;(

 

This is more for those who are trying to offer advice and support to Sunny. 

 

Whenever i tried to point out to her that it is her internal reality that might cause her to be depressed to draw her attention away from her attempts to fix herself with medication, it was just like water off the duck's back.

 

Alto and a few of us have been repeatedly advising her to find somebody to help her out, a support network. But she firmly believes this is not possible. Depression can actually be seen as a natural reaction to the way she treats herself especially in the context of something that is 'objectively' a difficult situation (husband away, she alone with kids in a new environment...).. 

 

Seeking resort for such problems in medication brought her even worse problems, of course. Alto said many times over that her honeymoon with ADs is over but since Lexapro 'pooped out' on her she bridged to Prozac. I might be wrong but I got the impression that although she believes on the rational level it was for the purposed of having an easier taper, it was actually in the belief that Prozac will do the same trick Lexapro once did.

 

I'm sorry if I appear insensitive ;(

 

Of course, i agree with Rhi.

 

In our state intense exercise is usually counterproductive and things such as mindful meditation and meditation in walking or anything you do (by completely focusing on what you do) is much better.

 

Dear Sunny, what you are saying here might easily be the root of your depression: even now in withdrawal, when you are feeling terrible, you put everyone's wishes and needs first and your needs come last or they don't come at all (you don't have time to buy magnesium, you don't have 30 minutes for yourself, you firmly believe nobody can be inconvenienced to help you out with the kids, your husband absolutely cannot be bothered, it is absolutely impossible to accommodate any of your needs because that would jeopardise the future of your family, etc, etc. - don't you think it's possible that beliefs like this might actually cause you to be depressed? When we deny ourselves, our brain and body rebels against such abuse we perpetrate on ourselves by turning on the depression button in an attempt to force us to take a better care of ourselves. Among other things, depression tells us that we are not taking a good care of ourselves. 

 

And a person who doesn't take care of him/herself cannot take care of anyone else.

 

Basically, the best care you can give to your kids and husband is if you start taking care for yourself and putting your needs first.

 

Think about this example: when travelling by plane, safety instructions for parents: put on the gas mask first and THEN assist your child. Isn't this common sense? If you can't breathe because you are helping your kid, soon there will be no one to help him...

 

I used to be like this and it took me at least 10 years of therapy to realise what I wrote above. So i know it's hard but try to start thinking about your firmly held beliefs in this way...

 

Although we think we are indispensible and things can't happen without us, when we make ourselves so ill that we cannot not only be there for others but they have to help us, we find out that things can work without us... 

 

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt...

[sunnydays0912]

I'm realizing more now that I seem to have a theme going. In every difficult situation in my life, I've had to overcome it alone and with little to no support system. My husband tries, but to him support is providing for his family. He's not so good at the emotional stuff. My parents work comes before all else. And I don't have any other options or family members who would really say "she needs help. I need to go be with her for a while" or even just offer to help here and there.

 

Lexapro aloud me to cope and manage on my own. I was able to do it all. And now that's just not the case anymore and I'm stuck in a position again where I need help but have no options.

 

Heaven forbid my mom use some of her vacation time to even come for a few days to help...it's hard enough just to get her on the phone.

[bubble]

I'm realizing more now that I seem to have a theme going. In every difficult situation in my life, I've had to overcome it alone and with little to no support system. My husband tries, but to him support is providing for his family. He's not so good at the emotional stuff. My parents work comes before all else. And I don't have any other options or family members who would really say "she needs help. I need to go be with her for a while" or even just offer to help here and there.

 

Lexapro aloud me to cope and manage on my own. I was able to do it all. And now that's just not the case anymore and I'm stuck in a position again where I need help but have no options.

 

Heaven forbid my mom use some of her vacation time to even come for a few days to help...it's hard enough just to get her on the phone.

 

I understand this very much. And I understand how very hard it is for us to see such patterns. 

 

I remember when I first made a breakthrough realisation of that kind. 

 

I was 20 and severely depressed and was talking to my therapist about my weekend. I said how I got very upset after visiting home because my mom was as usually very unhappy. She didn't ask me how I was doing or anything but just went on saying how her life is horrible and my father was 'torturing' her. She quickly explained why: he secretly added goat meat into sausages he was making. (Even I was surprised at a discrepancy between her distress and banality of the situation). But still I was very upset over my mom's suffering, felt I was supposed to do something to make my mom happier and so on.

 

And then my therapist asked me: what is the matter with your mother? Is she ill? I said No. Is she visiting a psychiatrist? No. Is she taking any medication? No.

 

he made me realise that it was me who was deeply depressed, visiting a psychiatrist and suffering tremendously while my mom was actually very healthy, mostly happy and highly functional. She would unload all her worries on her kids and then unburdened move on cheerfully while I would remain shattered. 

 

I remember how startled I was about that realisation that changed my life and my therapist actually making me realise I was the one in trouble and that I should start worrying about myself and not my mom. I started teaching her to first greet me when she sees me, then ask how I am, then ask me where I am going and only then speak about herself. I don't think she still realises she is the only person who can solve her own problems but it is important I realised that.

 

Sorry for this long story.

 

I just had an impression you made a very, very important realisation of a kind that saved me.

 

Another thing about patterns is that we choose partners who emotionally echo patterns we got used to in our parents (the more troublesome those patterns were for us, the more compelled we feel to repeat them again in the unconscious attempt that this time we will be able to resolve them with a positive outcome for ourselves - psychoanalysts call this repetition compulsion). 

 

This often comes with the idea: I don't deserve help. If I can't manage on my own something is very wrong with me, I'm very problematic, incapable and ultimately not deserving to be appreciated and loved. I'm useless.

 

That's why I very long ago suggested you try talk therapy with a sympathetic person that would help you see your blind spots which cause your psychological malfunctioning (and not some mysterious 'mental illness'). 

 

You have to and deserve to put yourself in the center and put your needs first. This will be very unpleasant for your environment because they are not used to you 'causing trouble',  'making a fuss'. You might also feel very uncomfortable (in a pleasant way) why behaving differently. like walking on the moon. It's disturbing but extremely liberating and most importantly, makes depression run away.

 

big hug! 

[Altostrata]

sunny, you need to build your own support system. Social contacts evolve into friendships.

[sunnydays0912]

Bubble, you helped me come to terms with something. I can't keep on like this. I need help. I need support I'm just not able to get here.

 

So my husband and I have been talking, and we decided it's for the best that the kids and I move back home this summer while he stays here to finish his final year of school. It's really just how it has to be. I've been struggling to keep my head above water since we moved here 6 months ago. And instead of resentment towards my husband for not being able to help me given his already completely full plate, I'm now understanding that he's trying, but he's not Super Husband/Dad/Student. He's doing all he's doing for us. Providing and safety is his love language. But he can't be everything, and right now I choose for him to focus on school. I'll go home to my parents.

 

Another thing I accepted is my parents are loving, supportive people. Just not from afar. Unfortunately they are very much "out of sight, out of mind" people and can forget that I'm having a hard time out here. But when I'm near them? They are the opposite. So it's even more reason I need to be home. I'll get the support system I need right now. I will have help. My kids will have others to depend on so the load is much lighter on my shoulders. They love their grandparents to death, so they will be so happy.

 

And then I will be back in my comfort zone. Back with my friends and family. I'll have people to visit and things to do. It only a 5 hour drive so my husbands expects to visit home 2 weekends a month. And then FaceTime is a wonderful invention lol.

 

So I think it will be ok. The relief I feel tells me it's the right move.

[bubble]

Sunny, this sounds fantastic and I'm so happy for you!!!

 

I think it is also so very empowering to see that you yourself have the possibility to influence your life in such a way that it brings you relief, that you feel comfortable living it (and don't need drugs to do that for you).

 

it's just amazing, isn't it )) 

[mammaP]

That is fantastic news Sunny, I'm really happy for you. 

[Petunia]

I'm happy you have found a way to get some support Sunny, this sounds like a good decision.

[sunnydays0912]

Thanks for the support everyone. I have my moments where I get sad over the thought of splitting our family up, but I know it will help more than hurt.

I never mentioned how my pdoc appt. went on Monday. Mainly because I was upset and didn't want to believe what he told me.

He said he looked into my history better (and after asking me more questions about what I've been through) and told me he suspects a underlying Bipolar Disorder that's now showing itself. I was shocked. I couldn't believe what he was telling me.

He explained that nearly 50% of all true PPD (by true, he doesn't mean just emotional, hormonal adjustments. Women who develop real mood disorders like I did) are actually underlying Bipolar illnesses being triggered. Which would explain my extreme mood swings and eventual suicidal ideation. However, since the worst of it happened after I started Lexapro, I assumed it was Lexapro causing it. I told him this. I said "but it's so coincidental that it turned into a true mood disorder just a week after starting Lexapro. And I know these meds can cause worsening depression and suicidal thinking" and he said "that may be true, but what happens is not that they suddenly 'create' these symptoms, they can only trigger or worsen what is already there".

He went on to explain how AD so often triggers someone to enter a manic episode. And he believes that's what happened, but that I don't have the euphoric mania, I have the anxiety/agitation/akathisia kind. He reminded me that it happened before with Effexor XR when I was 21. I had some anxiety over my health, but once I started Effexor XR it sent me into a complete anxiety meltdown, exactly like what happened when I flip flopped with my Lexapro.

He also addressed that te fact that when I tried to taper off lexapro, I very quickly began to feel depression. He said that it was triggering a depressive episode.

I told him that when I was stable on lexapro though, I felt completely fine. He said he believes I have a milder form of Bipolar which would explain why just Lexapro could handle it for a while. Said I was at the max dose of a very powerful drug. But changing my meds only triggered my bipolar more, which is why I reacted so badly and why lexapro not only pooped out fast, but sent me into a depression so strong it literally hurt me to live. I had this horrible mixed state of sadness and agitation and anxiety that I could hardly function. He believes that to be te Bipolar.

I left his office in total denial. I thought I was done with him. I decided to do my own research. And yesterday I came across this:

"Anxiety as a symptom of Bipolar Disorder

What is the anxiety of bipolar disorder like? Patients describe it as "agitation", and sometimes that is quite obvious: their foot bounces on the floor while we talk; they pick at their nails; sometimes they can't even bear to sit still and will get up and pace around the office during our interview. But sometimes the agitation is only "inside": patients experience "too much energy inside my skin", like they're going to "explode", and usually their thoughts are going very fast (sometimes called "racing thoughts"). However, when this is severe, people may not experience that fast thinking, but instead just an extremely disorganized thinking -- not being able to keep their mind on one thing for more than a few seconds, not being able to accomplish anything. Of course that can make "anxiety" worse as people recognize that they are really ill with something that is not obvious to anyone else, yet they are not really functioning either. How do you explain that to someone?"

"When this kind of anxiety is present with other manic symptoms like irritability, it can create an awful experience people feel desperate to get out of."

"When this kind of anxiety is present with depression, this may be the worst combination of all. Anxiety is a very strong risk factor for suicide when people are depressed. The future looks hopeless and pointless because of the depression; and the present feels unbearable."

(From
http://www.psycheducation.org/depression/Anxiety.htm

This explains what happened to me perfectly. This is what I went through. How can I deny this now?

What is your opinion? I haven't looked up much about what the beliefs of AD and other drugs to treat BP are on this site, so I want to know both sides before deciding what to believe...

Edited March 28, 2014 by Petu
fixed link