alexrosear: my introduction

[alexrosear]

everything just feels wrong. life before antidepressants was completely different. its like ive had a lobotomy and cant even comprehend/process/understand exactly what it is that's wrong with me/damaged 

[alexrosear]

any advice would be great but doesnt seem like theres anything anyone can say.

[WiggleIt]

On 5/8/2017 at 11:00 AM, alexrosear said:

 ii) if my experience of feeling myself again for a few hours  is similar to anyone else's experience and if anyone has any advice on how to achieve it more long term? iii) if anyone has any thoughts on whether I'll be like this forever now it's been so long? iiii) Anything that has helped anyone with similar problems? iiiii) Any general thoughts/advice on my situation given a reading of its update? iiiiii) Any understanding of why I still feel as I do? How to deal with the hopelessness and bleakness and feelings that it will never get better? Things like that. Thanks.

 

Hello alexrosear,

I hope I'm not going to be redundant of things that have already been told to you.  I've been catching up on your thread, and, believe it or not, the fact that you felt yourself again for a few hours is majorly hopeful.  Please don't discount that as a small thing, because it's a big deal.  It shows that your body, soul, and mind DO know how to be you.  We don't have a crystal ball that will tell us when you'll get your next window, but a window, even for a few hours, is nothing to sneeze at and shows your body IS capable of healing.

Can I ask what else you do or take or eat?  Do you smoke or take any other drugs recreationally?  What is your diet like?  What about exercise, work, or school?  Can you tell us a little bit more about those things?  Please let us know.

[Monty95]

7 hours ago, alexrosear said:

everything just feels wrong. life before antidepressants was completely different. its like ive had a lobotomy and cant even comprehend/process/understand exactly what it is that's wrong with me/damaged 

 

I'm so sorry. This recently happened to me too. I feel as though I've been lobotomised in terms of intellectual and emotional functioning - I woke up like this around 1.5 months after stopping effexor in February. I read your thread a while ago and was really hoping this had resolved for you, that a few tablets should do this is mind blowing. I also experience depersonalisation/derealisation and it sounds as though you had a brief window where you felt yourself again? I've had a couple of those too, but they don't last long. I've noticed they usually occur when I'm feeling an emotional connection with music or another person but not always. Sometimes they last for hours or minutes but always end when I wake up the next day. Do you feel connected to others, safe, are you engaged in meaningful or creative activities, can emotionally connect to memories/nostalgia, are you experiencing a lot of stress? I don't know whether any of these things could make a significant difference but I think depersonalisation might be something akin to the brain's defence mechanism against trauma, in this case neurological in origin. It is a potentially reversible state as it does clear up for a lot of people. Is the lobotomy feeling related to intellectual function or emotional numbing or just a disconnect with environment, feeling as though you're not present in your own body? Have any of these elements changed or improved for you? I think I know what you're describing though, I just feel all wrong, like this bizarre altered dream state with cognitive impairments I can't escape from. Its so unbelievable to me that a) this can happen b) this happens as a result of prescription medication c) that this has happened to me. I thought three months was a long time to be dealing with this, that you've managed to go through five years is a measure of what a strong person you are. You're also very young, while its sad/tragic that you should have to spend your youth like this, its also a good thing because your brain is highly neuroplastic and has a good chance to recover in time.  You might spontaneously wake up one day as yourself again, the fact that it has happened shows it can again. I wish I had more to offer in the way of advice, just wanted to say you're not alone in dealing with this, although that's not much of a consolation I'm sure. 

[Kronos18]

Have you tried exercising, socialising, going out, spending less time alone?Valium often results in depression issues after using it,and depersonalisation is linked to depression, anxiety, PTSD.My point of view is that maybe you need to adress to the cause, not to the symptoms

[Altostrata]

10 hours ago, Kronos18 said:

Have you tried exercising, socialising, going out, spending less time alone?Valium often results in depression issues after using it,and depersonalisation is linked to depression, anxiety, PTSD.My point of view is that maybe you need to adress to the cause, not to the symptoms

 

Great suggestions, Kronos. Activity and different kinds of mental stimulation can help a lot. Although you might not be able to enjoy as much as you'd like, enjoy what you can.

[alexrosear]

16 hours ago, WiggleIt said:

 

Hello alexrosear,

I hope I'm not going to be redundant of things that have already been told to you.  I've been catching up on your thread, and, believe it or not, the fact that you felt yourself again for a few hours is majorly hopeful.  Please don't discount that as a small thing, because it's a big deal.  It shows that your body, soul, and mind DO know how to be you.  We don't have a crystal ball that will tell us when you'll get your next window, but a window, even for a few hours, is nothing to sneeze at and shows your body IS capable of healing.

Can I ask what else you do or take or eat?  Do you smoke or take any other drugs recreationally?  What is your diet like?  What about exercise, work, or school?  Can you tell us a little bit more about those things?  Please let us know.

hey, thank you for your time in reading and responding. yes, i agree. the moment where i felt myself was lifechanging, and even though not lasting, is what gives me hope that my life might not always be this way. it lasted for more than a few hours, the days proceeding i felt a lot better - i tried not to judge how i was feeling but after a week i got dumped and after being dumped i knew i was back at square one. the circumstances which caused me feeling this way are interesting also. it was when i accepted and 'let back in' all of the existential, nihilistic dread feelings for which i was given antidepressants in the first place, that i felt my self, my clarity etc. flood back in also. i am trying to endeavour now to accept all feelings no matter how horrible in an effort to work toward this goal again.

 

i have in the past tried other psychedelics, which i have to say i have found very helpful for general wellbeing, despite never feeling the deep healing i feel i need/experienced that once. i'm a young man,  i've had my time partying and drinking but i pretty much steer clear of anything like this now, alcohol or 'party'  drugs - i prefer things which are therapeutic and beneficial long term, things which also have strong empirical backing.

my diet is often quite healthy and plant based, however i dont always keep this up. recently it's been not so great as ive been relying on junk food, feeling too depressed to care. i'm trying to eat better atm. in holiday periods i tend to go the gym 5 times per week. this lapses in term time but at the moment im swimming and working out most days. i am studying, completing an undergraduate degree, and i also work as a research assistant - with both these things i mostly work my own hours and dont get too stressed/overloaded.

 

i just hate feeling like im not throwing everything at this, you know? or at least having some sort of treatment/care plan. i know healing is possible, just it seems very difficult and requires a great deal of actions and nobody really understands the best thing to do. i wish i had some sort of guide or physician with this, or even somebody who had been through what i've been through and come out the other side.

[alexrosear]

12 hours ago, Monty95 said:

 

I'm so sorry. This recently happened to me too. I feel as though I've been lobotomised in terms of intellectual and emotional functioning - I woke up like this around 1.5 months after stopping effexor in February. I read your thread a while ago and was really hoping this had resolved for you, that a few tablets should do this is mind blowing. I also experience depersonalisation/derealisation and it sounds as though you had a brief window where you felt yourself again? I've had a couple of those too, but they don't last long. I've noticed they usually occur when I'm feeling an emotional connection with music or another person but not always. Sometimes they last for hours or minutes but always end when I wake up the next day. Do you feel connected to others, safe, are you engaged in meaningful or creative activities, can emotionally connect to memories/nostalgia, are you experiencing a lot of stress? I don't know whether any of these things could make a significant difference but I think depersonalisation might be something akin to the brain's defence mechanism against trauma, in this case neurological in origin. It is a potentially reversible state as it does clear up for a lot of people. Is the lobotomy feeling related to intellectual function or emotional numbing or just a disconnect with environment, feeling as though you're not present in your own body? Have any of these elements changed or improved for you? I think I know what you're describing though, I just feel all wrong, like this bizarre altered dream state with cognitive impairments I can't escape from. Its so unbelievable to me that a) this can happen b) this happens as a result of prescription medication c) that this has happened to me. I thought three months was a long time to be dealing with this, that you've managed to go through five years is a measure of what a strong person you are. You're also very young, while its sad/tragic that you should have to spend your youth like this, its also a good thing because your brain is highly neuroplastic and has a good chance to recover in time.  You might spontaneously wake up one day as yourself again, the fact that it has happened shows it can again. I wish I had more to offer in the way of advice, just wanted to say you're not alone in dealing with this, although that's not much of a consolation I'm sure. 

 

thank you for your message, i'm sorry you are going through this too - it is really like being robbed of your life yet still carrying on - feels a bit like its a wonderful life...

 

'Do you feel connected to others, safe, are you engaged in meaningful or creative activities, can emotionally connect to memories/nostalgia, are you experiencing a lot of stress?'

 

i try to be. but rarely do i feel anything 'properly', is the only way i can describe it. recently i fell in love with someone, partially because my feeling/connection to them was the only thing that had felt like anything in a very long time. despite this, i still didnt fully 'feel' these feelings for her, i still felt numb i just 'knew' there was something there i could feel the weight of it under the surface. however the relationship broke down pretty awfully, as have most of my attempts to connect with people. i have been unable to keep up relationships and all my connections fall apart and i cant help but feel this is because of the way i am. i never fell out with anybody before the meds. so yeah, it affects greatly my ability to feel connected to others and also to properly keep up my connections with others. i do try though. i also am a musician/artist and music does mean a lot to me, but it doesn't feel the same as before ssri's and often i feel nothing at all, i just keep plugging at it because, again, there's a knowledge in me that it matters, rather than really just properly experiencing its meaning to me. so it's difficult to engage properly with these things, i do try though - and as i say, it was listening to a piece of music which prompted the experience where i felt better.

 

 

'Is the lobotomy feeling related to intellectual function or emotional numbing or just a disconnect with environment, feeling as though you're not present in your own body?'

all of the above. feels like entire brain/percptual/cogntive/affective/perceptual processing is just wrong, damaged etc. its hard to describe what's missing. it feels like to be able to describe what's missing it'd have to be not missing for me to be able to process it at that level to explain. does that make sense? like, when i felt better i could point to what had been missing because it had come back and then i was operating a higher level (normal before ssri's) where i was able to process what that higher level/normal was. i feel like i need to be at that level to process what that level is, basically. so since im not at that level rn it's hard to say exactly what is wrong, except just a knowledge that /something/ is wrong - and it feels like it's across all those areas.

 

 

Have any of these elements changed or improved for you?'

 

basically, no. i mean, immediately after ssri's it was such a shock to be in this state there was no way i could have engaged in discussions etc. since i have adapted to this now i am more able to do that sort of thing, but id put that down to adaption and not being shocked, rather than any actual improvement. i just feel like this new way of being has cemented in my brain and now my mind/brain has worked out how to think etc. in spite of it. so i can still string words together, respond to points, remember things etc. however something crucial is missing. before ssri's, my mind felt endless - constantly imagining things, coming up with ideas etc. and everything felt like it had weight. now my mind feels tiny/no size at all, and any ideas or anything i come up with now is just nothing in comparision. i dont feel properly engaged in anything. intellectual life to me used to mean so much, i'd get so genuinely caught up in every detail and counterargument. now it just feels like nothing registers properly to me, even if i'm able to offer some response (and a response with a decent vocabulary).

 

[alexrosear]

11 hours ago, Kronos18 said:

Have you tried exercising, socialising, going out, spending less time alone?Valium often results in depression issues after using it,and depersonalisation is linked to depression, anxiety, PTSD.My point of view is that maybe you need to adress to the cause, not to the symptoms

yeah. i try to work out 5 times a week, swim. ive also been in bands, am a solo musician, play gigs, very social at university - in fact i think i used to push myself too far on this front trying to make my life feel like something. didnt work.

[alexrosear]

30 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

 

Great suggestions, Kronos. Activity and different kinds of mental stimulation can help a lot. Although you might not be able to enjoy as much as you'd like, enjoy what you can.

hi again altostrata, nice to see you again. thanks for your responses they are appreciated. definitely feel like i'd enjoy things more if i was in sunny san Francisco rather than rainy london! very jealous

[Altostrata]

I love London!

[alexrosear]

Lets swap?

[Kronos18]

6 hours ago, alexrosear said:

yeah. i try to work out 5 times a week, swim. ive also been in bands, am a solo musician, play gigs, very social at university - in fact i think i used to push myself too far on this front trying to make my life feel like something. didnt work.

I understand.But these things to work, you must add them to your lifestyle.It will not work if you go to gym only one week, socialise 5 mins, and still feel hopeless and depressed.

[Kronos18]

I can see you feel depersonalized because you are depressed, the old you wasn’t depressed, so you want to feel again, Kick that depression out your door

[Altostrata]

Kronos has the key. In the US, we call it "fake it until you make it." It can take a very long time for recovery; in the meantime, exercise your enjoyment muscle as much as you can. Don't expect highs, just get into the habit of self-care.

 

 

[Kronos18]

46 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

Kronos has the key. In the US, we call it "fake it until you make it." It can take a very long time for recovery; in the meantime, exercise your enjoyment muscle as much as you can. Don't expect highs, just get into the habit of self-care.

 

 

Thank you Alto.Is about the brain building new pathways while one is doing that things,the more one repeats, the better it is,  but it takes a lot of time.Is not a weeks job, rather months at least, but in the end it will worth it

[Altostrata]

It's a lifetime's work, Kronos, and one needs to accept that it may mean fundamental change in habits of mind.

[Kronos18]

2 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

It's a lifetime's work, Kronos, and one needs to accept that it may mean fundamental change in habits of mind.

Altostrata, no one could say it better than you did.There was a quote “ i changed my thinking, and it changed my life”

[alexrosear]

17 hours ago, Kronos18 said:

I understand.But these things to work, you must add them to your lifestyle.It will not work if you go to gym only one week, socialise 5 mins, and still feel hopeless and depressed.

no, i'm constantly social as i say  - i'm at a university, and i try to go the gym 5 times a week.

 

17 hours ago, Kronos18 said:

I can see you feel depersonalized because you are depressed, the old you wasn’t depressed, so you want to feel again, Kick that depression out your door

well partly, however i did obviously take antidepressants for a reason - i was preoccupied and full of negative thinking. the way i feel now which started when i took sertraline is far more complex than just depression or even depersonalisation but certainly includes those two things.

 

8 hours ago, Kronos18 said:

Thank you Alto.Is about the brain building new pathways while one is doing that things,the more one repeats, the better it is,  but it takes a lot of time.Is not a weeks job, rather months at least, but in the end it will worth it

it's just it's been five years with no marked difference... my degree, my job, my social life, my art, my excercise etc. all the things i do, as i am still highly function, don't seem to be proving a solution.

[alexrosear]

9 hours ago, Altostrata said:

Kronos has the key. In the US, we call it "fake it until you make it." It can take a very long time for recovery; in the meantime, exercise your enjoyment muscle as much as you can. Don't expect highs, just get into the habit of self-care.

 

 

i just have been faking it for five years, and i still feel no closer to 'making it' simply that ive gotten so good at faking it that i'm comfortable in being this way now.

[alexrosear]

something i've been considering for a while has been to, legally, go on one of these ayahuasca, or ibogaine, retreats. theres lots of studies that these powerful, high dose psychadelics can have strongly therapeutic effects on people with anhedonia, depression etc. and can 'reboot the brain' by facilitating cross communication between brain regions which have stopped cross communicating. as also i have personally experienced benefits in the past as aforementioned with cannabis.

 

ill also add i am currently in therapy, which is helpful in a palliative sense - it feels like its nice and helps me cope generally but doesnt feel like its actually treating or healing anything.

 

i just feel that it's been 5 years and if anything is going to change i need to do something. i appreciate exercise and structure help a lot of people, and they do help my mood, but the state im in now feels so severe and my reaction to sertraline was so profound (i felt like the lights turned out inside my head) that i need something much more serious to heal the psychoneurological damage i continue to live with.

[WiggleIt]

1 hour ago, alexrosear said:

i just feel that it's been 5 years

I know it's been 5 years since your adverse reaction, but can you talk more about what your life was like before the meds?  You've mentioned a high-stress period at uni as being the catalyzing factor to get you on meds.  Did you ever feel anhedonia before meds?

[alexrosear]

5 minutes ago, WiggleIt said:

I know it's been 5 years since your adverse reaction, but can you talk more about what your life was like before the meds?  You've mentioned a high-stress period at uni as being the catalyzing factor to get you on meds.  Did you ever feel anhedonia before meds?

no, never - i was deeply emotional and felt things very intensely. i didnt have depersonalisation, but i did experience derealisation. my emotions felt very strong and very real and very complex, as was my imagination/philosophical parts of my mind. they were sort of inexcorable from my emotions. it was a high stress period at school, yeah, i was only 17 at the time - i had an existential crisis basically. so i was extremely emotional, overwhelmingly so, crippled by the emotional impact of death and meaningless in the universe, upset at all the mistakes id made in my life. i felt very deep love, and strong emotions in response to every little thing. i got very attached and swept up in music, films, literature etc. everything felt very meaningful and rich.

[brassmonkey]

2 hours ago, alexrosear said:

something i've been considering for a while has been to, legally, go on one of these ayahuasca, or ibogaine, retreats. theres lots of studies that these powerful, high dose psychadelics can have strongly therapeutic effects on people with anhedonia, depression etc. and can 'reboot the brain' by facilitating cross communication between brain regions which have stopped cross communicating. as also i have personally experienced benefits in the past as aforementioned with cannabis.

 

SA can not and will not recommend or condone the use of these substances to try and reduce the symptoms caused by withdrawal from psych drugs.  They are in fact psych drugs in their own right. Ayahuasca in an MAOI and Iboga is an SSRI.  Neither of which should be taken in an effort to reduce the symptoms of ADWD.  The uncontrolled use of these drugs will open a person to a myriad of additional problems.  If a member wishes to try and use these drugs, that is their decision, but any discussion of the subject will not be permitted.

[Altostrata]

In general, if emotional anesthesia is your last remaining symptoms from an unusually severe adverse reaction to a psychiatric drug, we recommend leave well enough alone -- don't try anything that can shake up your nervous system.

 

When we say recovery can take a long time, we mean years. We see emotional anesthesia very, very gradually lighten, with brief windows as you've reported.

 

In other words, you're probably healing as well as can be expected from an unusually severe adverse reaction to psychotropics. We don't know what will happen if you experiment with other drugs.

[Monty95]

Thanks for answering my questions! I relate so much to everything you’ve said and you’ve captured it so well. I think its probably something commonly experienced around that age when there are a lot of issues to be confronted around what a meaningful life comprises, pressure around career decisions, social changes, practical pressures around housing & academic performance etc. -basically the transition to adulthood. I had a similar type of existential crisis manifest just after I finished school at 18, I remember feeling everything so intensely & having moments where I’d be so moved by creativity i’d feel almost euphoric, a magical feeling where I was connecting with a flow of ideas/inspiration and couldn’t channel it all at once. I would also feel despair over how brief, improbable and fragile life was and the arbitrary evolutionary dictates generating the distinction between suffering and fulfilment. I remember constantly being moved to tears by music and poetry and feeling the loss of a couple of friendships so intensely I’d isolate myself and spend days crying in my room. Part of the emotional response hinged on intellectual involvement/reactivity and I’d spend a lot of time picking apart literature, films, personal situations, reanalysing them & developing new conclusion, extracting further meaning etc. I wouldn’t say I was necessarily depressed, more so grieving and part of me actually enjoyed the catharsis of feeling so intensely. I don’t think I’ve ever had access to that emotional or creative intensity since starting medication at that time but it was within the normal range, if somewhat muted. My intellectual abilities/personality were never significantly affected so many think that lulled me into a false sense that the SSRI wasn’t doing much other than preventing future depressive episodes (which ironically I began to experience routinely along with anxiety). Now it’s exactly as you put it, somehow carrying on while your life has been robbed from you. You say you never feel anything properly but can sometimes feel the weight of emotion under the surface which is such an apt description and really resonates with me. It reminds me of that line from Lolita where Humbert refers to her as a ‘dead leaf echo’ of what she once was to him. My inner life was like a 3 dimensional artwork/tapestry with variation in brushstrokes, perspective and light and shade, reactive and spontaneous; now its a flat, grey monotone. It also seems as though emotions are more free floating and nebulous and almost felt in my body, rather than crystallised in my brain. This change directly correlated with some of the brain sensations you described, like tingling and pressure/numbness in the frontal lobes, so it seems as though significant functional if not structural damage has somehow been incurred by a neurochemical chain reaction of sorts. You sound as though you’re very high functioning in terms of studies/work/socialising, although it feels empty, is your current quality of life such that you would risk all or part of this as a consequence of experimenting with psychedelics? I ask because in your case you had such an extreme acute adverse reaction to the Zoloft, the outcome of further use of this drug class would be unpredictable at best and could worsen your condition. Have you used marijuana since your depersonalisation lifted at all? That might be a safer option although it obviously comes with risks of its own. It saddens me so much that this has happened to you and you’ve seen no improvements in five years. You seem like a uniquely talented, thoughtful and gifted person and it just seems like such a loss and an injustice and just very dark really. Not to mention forcing me to accept my own condition is likely permanent, or at least very long lasting, which is difficult to accept but with every passing day I’m forgetting more and more who I once was. Wish I could do more, or at least be more positive, just wanted to commiserate with you. Hope something miraculous happens soon/clicks into place and you get at least part of yourself back🙂

[Kronos18]

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/10-thinking-patterns-that-can-lead-to-depression/ this might help you mate.It’s never too late to change your thinking.Maybe the fact that you don’t feel like yourself is the sense that you don’t like what you became.Change yourself to be a better person, more social, a much much happier person and you won’t find yourself, but you will create a new better self that you will like much more.I did that once, I can do it again.It took me about a year of laughing, smiling, joking, going out so much, staying around my friends a lot.It’s not a month change, but in the end your brain will love these habits and it will seek for it everyday.Hope this will help you.You can’t change your thinking, it’s not just “think positive steps”.You can change what you do, when and where you do in order to change your thinking.Convince yourself you are better than this,take small steps, not big jumps, make yourself a list of things you want to do and change each day.Hope this will help, depression is not an easy battle, it takes time and dedicaticon in order to retrain your brain, but you will enjoy the fact that you, one day will become the person you always wanted to find.

[alexrosear]

On 4/30/2019 at 5:09 PM, Altostrata said:

In general, if emotional anesthesia is your last remaining symptoms from an unusually severe adverse reaction to a psychiatric drug, we recommend leave well enough alone -- don't try anything that can shake up your nervous system.

 

When we say recovery can take a long time, we mean years. We see emotional anesthesia very, very gradually lighten, with brief windows as you've reported.

 

In other words, you're probably healing as well as can be expected from an unusually severe adverse reaction to psychotropics. We don't know what will happen if you experiment with other drugs.

 emotional anesthesia, no imagination/deep thoughts, depersonalisation/derealisation, feeling like the lights have been turned out inside my own head, feeling my 'spark' extinguished. it's been 5 years with no change.

[Altostrata]

Not sure what to suggest, other than to get your body as healthy as possible to help your nervous system get back to factory settings.

 

Are you getting regular exercise, lots of fresh leafy green vegetables, good protein? Regular sleep?

 

Have you had your B vitamin levels checked? B vitamins are very important to neurological health. The leafy greens can help with folate.

 

A lot of people find fish oil and magnesium supplements helpful, see
https://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/36-king-of-supplements-omega-3-fatty-acids-fish-oil/
https://survivingantidepressants.org/topic/15483-magnesium-natures-calcium-channel-blocker/

 

Try a little bit of one at a time to see how it affects you.

[Onmyway]

Hi Alex, I read through your thread and I am so sorry you had such a strong reaction to the medicines at such a young age. My heart goes out to you. I too had similar issues at that age and was put on SSRIs and while I managed to get around the initial side effects, it enabled me, unfortunately, to stay on them for 19 years. I know many others who went through similar existential crises. It is that time of life. 

 

One thing that I noticed on your tread is that you have and had, even at the worst of it,  a very eloquent way of describing your symptoms and your thoughts. It makes me think that while you believed that congnitively you were not performing as well, you were quite impressive in explaining how you felt. Maybe you are being too harsh on yourself? Sometimes we can trip ourselves up by being overly focused on and critical of our perceived shortcomings. I am not denying your feelings, or the DP/DR, the anhedonia, the anxiety and the harm done by the meds, the doctors and your family. I just wonder if your self perception as so severely underperfroming is too harsh. 

 

I also noticed that you say that nothing has improved but it seems like you are socially engaged and have fun with your friends (which you weren't able to in the beginning) - you are partying and not hiding in the toilets! Your studies seem to be going well. You seem to have managed to get onto your own two feet away from your family. It seems like looking from outside, using your descriptions, things are on an upward trend. They may not feel that way when you evaluate them but I wonder how much of that evaluation is tainted by that hankering to return to exactly how things were before the drugs. 

 

I just wonder if acceptance will help you feel better and heal faster. What if this is all that there is in life? What if this is the new you? What if you don't feel the way you felt before? Maybe thinking that way you can allow that you can feel better, even if different from before? You can build a new you. I love Kronos's suggestions above.

 

And, as was mentioned above, please don't try any psychoactive substances. Some people have horrible trips on these. You already had one horrible "trip" on sertraline. Take care. 

[alexrosear]

Thank you for your care in this message Onmyway

 

I find it difficult to explain. Yes, I have retained some of my vocabulary, however internally my mind simply just doesn't feel anything like it used to. I used to have hundreds of thoughts and a vivid imagination, I used to think about things very deeply and resonantly and my mind felt expansive, thoughts were meaningful, and like lightning. While I am able to use long words, my mind just simply feels nothing like this any more. I used to pour out poetry that meant so, so much to me, write stories, diary entries, philosophical reflections - that all were so meaningful and resonant, now whenever I have done this, it feels empty, uninspired etc.

 

I feel nothing has improved within my own wellbeing. Being 'functional' to me is entirely separate to that, and if anything adds to my frustration. Especially because I have performed socially, but then my relationships have crumbled most certainly because of all the mental issues I have.

 

'What if is all that there is in life? What if this is the new you? What if you don't feel the way you felt before?'

 

I have tried 'accepting this' but over months and years it becomes too much to bear. Living everyday without really living, putting myself out in the world with relationships but internally not feeling anything properly, not really being myself, not experiencing life right - no matter how much I try this will always cause suffering and be wrong, it's like walking around with a lobotomy - this is what it feels like. I have tried but I cannot just accept that, and live in this broken state where I am not really myself and my mind and heart are numbed.

 

Edited September 26, 2019 by ChessieCat
removed quote added name

[alexrosear]

On 7/7/2019 at 11:09 PM, Altostrata said:

Not sure what to suggest, other than to get your body as healthy as possible to help your nervous system get back to factory settings.

 

Are you getting regular exercise, lots of fresh leafy green vegetables, good protein? Regular sleep?

 

Have you had your B vitamin levels checked? B vitamins are very important to neurological health. The leafy greens can help with folate.

 

A lot of people find fish oil and magnesium supplements helpful, see
https://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/36-king-of-supplements-omega-3-fatty-acids-fish-oil/
https://survivingantidepressants.org/topic/15483-magnesium-natures-calcium-channel-blocker/

 

Try a little bit of one at a time to see how it affects you.

Thanks for trying.

 

I've joined a local gym/swimming pool for the past year or so. At the very least, it gives me something to do.

[alexrosear]

Most painfully, my romantic relationships have crashed and burned with a recent interest saying something like 'Everything about you is perfect, but there is just something not right about you' - and many people telling me 'it is very obvious you have a dissociative disorder to everyone that meets you'.I felt that my state post-antidepressants in not really feeling me, not really feeling anything properly, having my mind feel numbed and reduced, and my brain lobotomised, meant that I wasn't really living/acting/being properly in a way that could feel she could be with. And this was very traumatic - feeling that otherwise it may have worked. It's a horrible way to live and feel every day, and it severely affects my life and relationships.

 

I used to pour myself into writing, into my work, but now no matter how hard I try and how much time I spend, the spark, the pasion, the care, the feelings just aren't there- I don't respond to ideas/things in my work properly. It's hard to explain. But basically it compromises my work as well.

 

Edited September 26, 2019 by ChessieCat
removed quote

[alexrosear]

Getting very difficult

[India]

On 10/16/2014 at 4:50 PM, alexrosear said:

I came back from Cambridge and told my parents and they simply thought I was psychotic, anxious and depressed

Constantly stating and restating this distinction to everyone. I just get the glazed eye look. It takes a lot of  strength hold onto your truth. All we have is hope and faith in the capacity for healing . 

[India]

On 9/26/2019 at 2:15 PM, alexrosear said:

'it is very obvious you have a dissociative disorder to everyone that meets you'

Cognitive dissonance. Ppl will believe anything before they will believe the meds are anything but benign. I have the chemical lobotomy too. Totally drug induced- my mind was always vibrant!