success ☼ Nadia: There is hope!

[Altostrata]

Nadia, my intuition is that if having a child is your ultimate desire in life, you should be prepared to raise it alone. If it's not his first priority, either your current partner will evade the responsibility for parenting, or the relationship will get worn out for you and you will end it yourself.

 

As someone who also made many wrong choices with men, I can say the opportunity cost for staying with a relationship that doesn't quite deliver for you is very high. It's a terrific emotional drain on you and while you're with him, you are not meeting more suitable candidates.

 

On the other hand, it sounds like he is a good friend to you.

[Whatever]

Nadia, my intuition is that if having a child is your ultimate desire in life, you should be prepared to raise it alone. If it's not his first priority, either your current partner will evade the responsibility for parenting, or the relationship will get worn out for you and you will end it yourself.

 

I think this is incredibly astute.

 

But it raises a question: would that be fair to a child?

[Barbarannamated]

YOU will be a blessing to any child ~

Follow what Nadia's heart wants and the rest will fall into place

[Whatever]

I am not against single parenting, but I am a realist. 

 

If a child is abandoned due to divorce or due to one parent's inability to make the child his or her priority - that can leave a huge hole in the child's heart. 

 

In this kind of scenario, not only does the child suffer but so does the parent. Knowing that your child is hurt can lead to lifelong guilt and pain.

[spectio]

Nadia, I agree with barbara, you would make a wonderful mom! I would think that, like alto sais, having a baby is really your first priority, then you should find a way. It sounds like your extended family is close by and they would be a great asset to help you if and when you needed them. And there's nothing like a baby to bring a family together. They tend to literally fight to be there for them. I speak from experience. My mother and aunt were readily available for me when my daughter was born. They dearly loved her and would have done anything I asked them to do. Anyway, I think if you let this opportunity go to have a baby, then that may result in the worst of all regrets. Only you can answer that question, and only you should!

[Nadia]

On the other hand, it sounds like he is a good friend to you.

 

Yes, he is a very good friend, very caring and patient. I should add that the time I almost got married was in a similar relationship... stable and loving, but I wasn't "in love". I have some suspicion towards my desire to be in love... it could be just wanting a rush of emotion, to be carried away, instead of having to face myself and fixing what is missing from my life because of things I haven't done. I think I've always tended to find inspiration through other people and should find it within myself instead. (I didn't get married that time because I fell in love with someone else, and threw away a whole direction of life for it. And then it didn't turn out and, in a nutshell, that is why I am in my home town again, still not able to get over all the things I let go for "love".)

 

Maybe for the first time in my life, I'm not really that afraid of being without a partner. I don't think that is my fear... I've never had a relationship (except this one) that lasted more than three years, and like Whatever says, there are always more people around the corner.

 

I AM afraid of missing out on the opportunity of having a child, though. But how much so? Because at the same time, I also fear that I would use that as a distraction from growing myself. Of course, any parent tells you you grow through being a parent as well, but sometimes I must admit the thought of all the work involved is daunting, and I like the idea of not having children as well so I could concentrate on my stuff (but I also know myself, I let time pass and do nothing). I guess it just comes down to the "this is your last chance" thing. Because it's not like having a child is THE goal in my life. I would be looking into adoption and other measures if it was.

 

Perhaps what I need to do is just let go of the idea of having a kid. It is a really painful thought, but maybe that's what I need to move forward. I don't know.

 

Thinking about these things has really ramped up my anxiety and depression. I think I'm afraid of trusting anything I feel, I'm afraid of making the wrong choice based on feelings that maybe are just temporary and not even real. For example, my self doubt... I don't want to act out of fear and laziness. Sometimes it's hard to tell if you are getting a gut feeling saying "get out" or if it's just fear of taking on a serious life project. I have the same sort of fear about career choices. Some stuff really freaks me out and it's like my whole body says "stay away"... but there, for example, my father thinks I just need to have more guts. He says sometimes you have to do stuff you don't like or get over your doubts and just go ahead.

 

Maybe all this doubting is just my avoidance of doing what I need to do. Or maybe wanting to get out of where I am is my avoidance of choosing a path and having to commit to something and stick with it.

 

If I wasn't so anxious and depressed, maybe I'd have an easier time listening to my intuition and attracting into my life the things that will make me happy. But maybe I need to change my life before I can shake the anxiety and depression. But maybe I don't have the energy or desire to make such a big change right now.

 

This is my mind going in circles, over and over. Ruminating into a rut.

[Nadia]

YOU will be a blessing to any child ~

Follow what Nadia's heart wants and the rest will fall into place

 

Thanks, Barb.

 

But what does my heart want!! I think what I need to do is work on clearing the layers covering it. Simplify. I'm sure meditation is important.

 

In any case, I'm in the middle of a project that will last until at least May, so I might as well make the best of it until then. Then maybe I should go on a trip alone and do some soul-searching. Thinking about going away for a while alone actually makes me feel some relief, so maybe that is the answer.

[Nadia]

I am not against single parenting, but I am a realist. 

 

If a child is abandoned due to divorce or due to one parent's inability to make the child his or her priority - that can leave a huge hole in the child's heart. 

 

In this kind of scenario, not only does the child suffer but so does the parent. Knowing that your child is hurt can lead to lifelong guilt and pain.

 

When I was younger, I thought if I reached 30, 35 without having a partner I would have a child alone (I also planned on having a child myself and adopting one). That all seems so naive now. I've seen my sister go through single motherhood (in essence, deadbeat dad...) and it's not fun. I think maybe I could pull it off, and I have seen several examples of doing this in a successful way, but it's true it's not the ideal. Having a child is a lot of work. Maybe if I was 20 something...

 

I still think about it, there are just so many things I'd like to pass on, so many ways I think I would be a great mother. I think if I don't have a child the absence will haunt me all my life. But I don't want to be selfish about it. I think the well-being of this hypothetical child is the most important factor in the decision, not what I want.

[Nadia]

Nadia, I agree with barbara, you would make a wonderful mom! I would think that, like alto sais, having a baby is really your first priority, then you should find a way. It sounds like your extended family is close by and they would be a great asset to help you if and when you needed them. And there's nothing like a baby to bring a family together. They tend to literally fight to be there for them. I speak from experience. My mother and aunt were readily available for me when my daughter was born. They dearly loved her and would have done anything I asked them to do. Anyway, I think if you let this opportunity go to have a baby, then that may result in the worst of all regrets. Only you can answer that question, and only you should!

 

Thanks, Spectio!

 

I think my mom would be pretty supportive now... at first when I told her I was trying to get pregnant she seemed pretty negative. I think because of my sister's experience. I was really hurt by that because my parents really pushed for me NOT to have a child when I accidentally got pregnant in my 20s (with a bit more support from them, I would have gone through with it I think... don't know if for better or worse). I know in both cases they just want what is best for the child, but it's hard not to take that personally.

[Barbarannamated]

Time away from family and friends but with new people who don't have perceptions or expectations (in either direction) can be clarifying

[Nadia]

Yeah... I love to be on the move usually anyway. And more so now that stuff "sticks" with me so much. I don't know if other people have this symptom, but it's one of the ones that's still sticking around for me. For example, if I hear a song, it can get ultra-stuck in my head in a way that is very uncomfortable. Sensations and smells do it, too. I can't stand using this laundry detergent I was using a couple of months ago, for example. It's not that it smells bad, it's just so strong a memory that it really disturbs me. I used to have this anyway... memories from the past, even when good, seemed a bit too vivid for comfort. But it's like it's magnified x 100 now... any little thing from the day before, I wake up and can't shake and it becomes attached to the anxiety.

 

Anyway, this afternoon I started crying and just couldn't stop for a while. It felt like a much needed release. My boyfriend hugged me and we lay down and I half-dozed off. It felt good to doze off for a bit, and amazing that I could without feeling dread. After about 10 minutes the strange, disconnected uncomfortable feelings started, and then I felt pretty depressed when I forced myself out of bed (have a ton of work I've been avoiding). But right now I'm feeling better. And in some ways the sleep weirdness I felt was reassuring... for two reasons: one, it reminded me that I've come a long way in the past few months, and two, it reminded me that I'm not all the way there and not "normal", and that it's likely my feelings are exaggerated right now because of still adapting to being off meds (I've also been realizing I have a lot of paranoia). I'm not even sure who I am really... I mean, 16 years is a hell of a long time to be on drugs, so many life experiences. I have to be a bit more patient with myself. There are things I need to do about my life, lots of feelings to explore and decisions to make, but I'm not 100% and should cut myself some slack.

[Karma]

And more so now that stuff "sticks" with me so much. I don't know if other people have this symptom, but it's one of the ones that's still sticking around for me. For example, if I hear a song, it can get ultra-stuck in my head in a way that is very uncomfortable.

 

I get this when I feel withdrawal symptoms, Nadia. I had started having wd back in August and September and didn't realize it - on September 6 Google had a Freddie Mercury Google Doodle to celebrate what would have been Freddie's 65 birthday (they published it in the US on September 6 because his actual birthday, September 5, was a holiday in the US). So anyway, I became obsessed with all things Queen and Freddie - at first I couldn't get enough of their music - I know more about the band and Freddie now than is descent. But then it started to feel uncomfortable. I had to avoid Queen's music because it was so uncomfortable.

 

I characterize it as obsessiveness. Now that my wd symptoms have subsided I'm back to enjoying their music again. I have noted this "obsessiveness" as a symptom of wd and will watch for it when I resume tapering off of Effexor again.

 

Karma

[Whatever]

Nadia:

 

I understand exactly what you are going through. You already realize most if what I am going to say, but it always helps to reinforce and validate someone's experience.

 

Your WD is essentially causing you to have what the DSM characterizes as Generalized Anxiety Disorder. For the sake of argument let us put to the side any opinions we may hold about the appropriateness of the DSM. 

 

Since I do not know whether you are familiar with what GAD is, I am posting a link which describes it's characteristics:

 

http://helpguide.org/mental/generalized_anxiety_disorder.htm

 

I went through this during and post WD for many years. It is horrible.

 

Compounding the problem, you are in your 40's. You are at a life passage where we realize our mortality, realize the implications of the choices we made in our youth. I am 48 and going through this myself. It is, to put it mildly: unpleasant.

 

The cherry on the top of this, is reality of your ticking biological clock.

 

You are overwhelmed.

 

My first piece of advice is that if you are feeling a deep maternal instinct to have a child, than you should do it.

 

However, I do agree with your Father to a degree. He is right that the drive to have a child does come from being with the right person. However, he is not a woman and he doesn't understand the issue that woman face which is the fear of not having a child leading to deep regret in later life.

 

My second piece of advice is this.: I have learned through the years that when I am overwhelmed with life changing decisions to make it is best to step back from the mental analysis and just live my life. Throw myself into something that takes the focus off of me, be it a hobby, reading (whatever interests you). Doing this and one day an epiphany will come and what I need to do will all become extremely clear. In my life the epiphany has always come. I know other people who have experienced this too.

 

So please, give yourself some slack and trust in the epiphany.

[Nadia]

Nadia:

 

I understand exactly what you are going through. You already realize most if what I am going to say, but it always helps to reinforce and validate someone's experience.

 

Your WD is essentially causing you to have what the DSM characterizes as Generalized Anxiety Disorder. For the sake of argument let us put to the side any opinions we may hold about the appropriateness of the DSM. 

 

Since I do not know whether you are familiar with what GAD is, I am posting a link which describes it's characteristics:

 

http://helpguide.org/mental/generalized_anxiety_disorder.htm

 

I went through this during and post WD for many years. It is horrible.

 

Compounding the problem, you are in your 40's. You are at a life passage where we realize our mortality, realize the implications of the choices we made in our youth. I am 48 and going through this myself. It is, to put it mildly: unpleasant.

 

The cherry on the top of this, is reality of your ticking biological clock.

 

You are overwhelmed.

 

My first piece of advice is that if you are feeling a deep maternal instinct to have a child, than you should do it.

 

However, I do agree with your Father to a degree. He is right that the drive to have a child does come from being with the right person. However, he is not a woman and he doesn't understand the issue that woman face which is the fear of not having a child leading to deep regret in later life.

 

My second piece of advice is this.: I have learned through the years that when I am overwhelmed with life changing decisions to make it is best to step back from the mental analysis and just live my life. Throw myself into something that takes the focus off of me, be it a hobby, reading (whatever interests you). Doing this and one day an epiphany will come and what I need to do will all become extremely clear. In my life the epiphany has always come. I know other people who have experienced this too.

 

So please, give yourself some slack and trust in the epiphany.

 

THANK YOU. It does help. I think you're right about the "triple whammy". I think myself into circles, because though I recognize my anxiety as not normal, it seems often to get attached to some pretty predictable things. I then get in this "you're not listening to all the signals!!! Quick, DO something!!" kind of mode. Which usually ends up in me feeling hopeless and depressed as I realize I'm paralyzed with fear AND exhaustion about really taking action in my life. I feel thoroughly unhappy but lack inspiration to do anything about it.

 

I think my father is right as well, in an ideal sense. And it's why I hadn't had a child before. Now, time has slipped away from me. I would love to wait for the ideal moment (as close to ideal as life gets, anyway), but I know I am running out of time. I guess what I get really anxious about now is... what if I am REALLY ruining my last chances by staying where I am, in this holding pattern? What if I need to make a big change, even if it means risking losing everything I have now?

 

But you are entirely right, these things can't be forced. For example, I know that one of the things I need to do is express myself in some creative way, but I shy away from it as well. I get into this mode where I want to force myself to create something, and it's just not going to come that way.

 

You're so right, I have to somehow stop thinking and trust that the answer will come.

[Nadia]

I get this when I feel withdrawal symptoms, Nadia. I had started having wd back in August and September and didn't realize it - on September 6 Google had a Freddie Mercury Google Doodle to celebrate what would have been Freddie's 65 birthday (they published it in the US on September 6 because his actual birthday, September 5, was a holiday in the US). So anyway, I became obsessed with all things Queen and Freddie - at first I couldn't get enough of their music - I know more about the band and Freddie now than is descent. But then it started to feel uncomfortable. I had to avoid Queen's music because it was so uncomfortable.

 

I characterize it as obsessiveness. Now that my wd symptoms have subsided I'm back to enjoying their music again. I have noted this "obsessiveness" as a symptom of wd and will watch for it when I resume tapering off of Effexor again.

 

Karma

 

Thanks, Karma! Yep, a lot of obsessiveness going on here as well (for example, researching the best diet or worrying about some pretty weird stuff that later makes me think I'm going nuts... for a while there I was worried about my tooth fillings leaking mercury, for example!!!). This happens to me a lot with stuff I didn't go look for, though... like how my house smells or something I heard on the radio. Did that happen to you, too? It's gotten to a point where I'm afraid to listen to music I like or smell things I like so they won't get "ruined"...

 

Anyway, at the same time it gives me some clear evidence that something is amiss and I have more healing ahead. Which is good to know, it puts other things in perspective.

[Altostrata]

Nadia, have you looked into CBT? If you find the approach compatible, it's good for managing habits of thought.

[Nadia]

I think I liked the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy best of the CBT techniques I looked into. I need to work more on that, I had downloaded some worksheets and such.

 

I should probably also get a therapist. Hard to motivate on that, as I don't have many hopes for finding one I like and hate the idea of spending money on it. But of course I should at least try.

 

 

Yesterday I was feeling quite a bit better, and it amazed me how, though absolutely nothing has changed, having my depression and anxiety lift a bit made me see all the same things in a much more positive light. Perspective is everything! I hope this is part of an upswing and I can catch the wave and get my spirits up.

 

Thanks all for your support.

[Altostrata]

If you can find a peer support group or group therapy, that might be just as good and not cost as much.

[Barbarannamated]

Agree 100% on that

To have a 2way open relationship as w peer is much stronger for me than any therapist relationship~therapists are not able /supposed to divulge details of their own lives and experiences and puts relationship on unequal footing to begin with (even though the therapist may have significant history)

Q:

Is this a rule in all types of therapy aside from peer

[Nadia]

That's true... I was in group therapy for DBT for a couple of years and found it helpful. I'll have to look into that... where I am it's not so common as in the US except for stuff like AA and such, but it might exist.

[Nadia]

I've been meaning to post an update on my withdrawal symptoms forever... so here goes, even if not a complete one.

 

It seems the past two months I've gone through a "quick tour" of a lot of symptoms I had before, where they come back for a visit but leave more quickly or come and go. Some of the strange things that have revisited:

 

1. Neck/lower back pain/discomfort. There is a particular "antsy" feeling that I get. I had this BEFORE I quit ADs, after I started seeing a chiropractor for other back problems, but I've noticed on days I'm feeling worse it bothers me more. It could be that I am just generally more irritable. It seems it does not bother me when my anxiety is low, even if I have not done my back exercises.

 

2. (This one is kind of embarrassing) Colon spasms. Right before my anxiety started to ramp up to its worst point, around March of last year, my colon was going into painful spasms for a couple of weeks that would last hours. It's happened to me twice in the past couple of months (after my window of near-recovery), but resolved quickly in both cases.

 

3. Dizziness. I thought that one was gone like 95% of the time, but the past week it's been back and comes and goes. I've had a bit of unsteadiness and feeling like I'm going to fall. It hasn't gone yet but if it's like the other symptoms, I think it will resolve quickly.

 

4. Headache and feeling like I have the flu or a fever. I used to feel that every day before, now it just visits occasionally.

 

5. Smells bother me... this one has only come back a tiny bit for very brief moments.

 

6. Random memories from the past come back in a really vivid way. Just happening the past week or two.

 

7. Wanting to cry or tearing up at just about anything... This one is weird, because it's more like immediately after CTing. I relate it to my early withdrawal, before the awful anxiety.

 

8. Strange sensations when trying to take a nap... MUCH less so than before. I can't quite sleep, but I sort of drift away almost pleasantly for a while before it all becomes disconnected. Maybe I'm less afraid of the sensation, but I no longer feel dread.

 

9. Stuff sticking in my head (song, thought, smell, etc.) and not being able to shake it. This comes and goes.

 

Apart from that, the depression is improving (probably was worse because of PMS a few days ago). My anxiety goes up and down. It doesn't seem completely related to sleep. For example, last night I was able to sleep about 6 1/2 hours straight, which is the best I've done since my "relapse", and yet I woke with stronger anxiety than I have on previous days. The anxiety isn't even really anxiety about anything... it's more just a feeling like I've got all this adrenaline rushing through me. If I let it it can attach to thoughts, but it feels more just like a physical thing (very uncomfortable).

 

In any case, my sum feeling about all of this is like my brain/nervous system is shaking off whatever is ailing it, and is able to do this faster than the first time around. Like a spiral that becomes tighter on one end, going through its loops of recovery faster. Not sure if that makes any sense, but that's what it feels like.

 

Of course, some days I feel hopeless about this ever going away, but at least right now I'm on an upswing (in general, there are dips throughout the day).

 

What has REALLY improved is the depersonalization and inability to enjoy anything. Sometimes I can't enjoy things because I'm depressed, but it's different to how it was before, when even sitting in the sun seemed dreadful and poisonous. I can enjoy warmth, the sun, a striving towards health, a cup of tea, food, etc. in a much more sustained way now. I also have a clearer sense of self, not in general, but in relation to how completely lost and unreal I felt before.

[Barbarannamated]

Nadia ~

You sound great :-)

[Nadia]

Thanks, Barb... I don't know about "great", but certainly "grateful" for all my improvements!

[alexjuice]

Nadia,

 

It does sound like you are doing a bit better, which is good to hear. :-)

 

I've been working on CBT stuff for a while and finds it helps, but it's something that I need to do with definite regularity, like everyday. When I get away from it, then the benefits recede away a bit as well.

 

Also, I've been walking regularly and trying to get some sun. For the most part this is helping, the walking more than the sun I think.

[Nadia]

I've felt a lot of "thirst" for trees and sun lately. I do need to get out more. And I need to be more disciplined. I keep getting stuck on wanting to feel better to do things instead of do things to feel better (specifically, I have kept up walking and eating well, but have fallen off with my exercises, meditation, and writing/CBT stuff).

 

That said, I have yet to go on my "morning" walk... better get out there now!

 

Thanks for the input, Alex.

[alexjuice]

I keep getting stuck on wanting to feel better to do things instead of do things to feel better (specifically, I have kept up walking and eating well, but have fallen off with my exercises, meditation, and writing/CBT

 

yes, I've struggled with this too. For, like, my whole life and am only realizing I just need to start doing.

 

I've been much better lately, walking for instance, but I still fall into the "I can't do _blank_ until I get finally get into a good place with _blank2_..." For instance, I used to think I can't date, I need to get fit first or I'll just get rejected or I can't go on that job interview I need to build better references before I apply. I lost years waiting to be ready to try stuff...but never actually getting in shape or creating stronger references. In retrospect, this type of avoidance held me back. Heck, I might have gotten off drugs earlier if not for this sort of thinking.

 

I'm in a much better place today, even though my circumstances are more challenging in many ways.

 

That said, in withdrawal, there is a fine line. It's important, IMO, to find a middle between overreaching and doing nothing. So, I try to give myself a little understanding and be patient with the struggle. But I still feel like I have a part to do, whether it's not pigging out or trying to meet obligations or whatever. I just have to be careful to be gradual, no need for additional setbacks...

 

Also, love your thought about the great outdoors. Today is quite sunny and lovely here in Alexland. I'm heading out for some air and sun too!

 

Alex

[Barbarannamated]

The proverbial "all ducks that wont get in their row" YUP

[Nadia]

I've been much better lately, walking for instance, but I still fall into the "I can't do _blank_ until I get finally get into a good place with _blank2_..." For instance, I used to think I can't date, I need to get fit first or I'll just get rejected or I can't go on that job interview I need to build better references before I apply. I lost years waiting to be ready to try stuff...but never actually getting in shape or creating stronger references.

 

That's my life story is a nutshell!!! I tend to be a "one thing at a time" person, and also a perfectionist, so I never think where I am at is good enough. I see this with job applications, I always think, "no, I'm not there yet", and only feel capable of doing really, really basic jobs which of course I would then feel bored or resentful about. Then I see all these other people who are less capable or prepared than I am just reaching and doing stuff, and it goes to show how much we limit ourselves before we even have a chance for the world to limit us. And who cares if you fail! But all my life I've lived in deep fear of failure... all my self-esteem has been based on doing things well. A friend who suffers with this as well told me how important he thinks it is to teach kids how to fail as well as how to succeed.

 

The saddest part is what you say about not really doing the stuff that needs to be done, either. Probably because of the fear of failure, along with an unhealthy dose of laziness, I've often not done the things I need to do to get better at something. Right now I'm really struggling with this with creative stuff. I feel the need to express myself creatively... I used to have small projects, nothing big, and kept them very private... now it's been years since I've even done that. The problem for me now is finding the desire and inspiration. I've been dealing with anhedonia a lot. This is one of those zen things... you can't force it, but you also can't sit back and let yourself just wither.

 

On the subject of procrastination, have you seen this?:

 

That said, in withdrawal, there is a fine line. It's important, IMO, to find a middle between overreaching and doing nothing. So, I try to give myself a little understanding and be patient with the struggle. But I still feel like I have a part to do, whether it's not pigging out or trying to meet obligations or whatever. I just have to be careful to be gradual, no need for additional setbacks...

 

Also, love your thought about the great outdoors. Today is quite sunny and lovely here in Alexland. I'm heading out for some air and sun too!

 

Alex

 

It's true... finding that balance is hard. I tend to go all out and try too hard (which of course leads to failure and my inner defeatist voice going, "see? I told you so") or avoid and not try enough... Somewhere I read something about "submitting to a gentle practice/discipline" and being kind to yourself beyond that (I think I posted it somewhere on here). I know for me right now that means getting up earlier (I've tended to stay in bed fighting my dread and anxiety, wanting stubbornly to get "a full night's sleep", and it only makes me feel weak and sick for the rest of the day), doing my full walk and exercise routine, sticking to meal times and healthy meals, working when I need to work... and because that is not enough, I think I need to add finding something to practice (an instrument? writing? drawing?)... whether I enjoy it at the moment or not. Also socializing and getting out of the house... I've been forcing myself to go out when I can and I think that it helps me not spiral down even if I'm not enjoying it while it's happening. I think maybe I should sign up for some sort of class to help with the discipline (and not expect myself to succeed at it or I'll give it up).

 

The thing is, there are normally two motivators for me: avoidance of bad feelings and desire. In the worst of my withdrawal a few months ago, my main motivator was just doing anything I could to lessen my dread and anxiety. I was in mere survival mode. Now that I am a bit better, in some ways it is more uncomfortable. It's like when you are recovering from the flu and no longer have a fever but still feel like crap and yet know you have to get on with things. I HAVE had some positive motivation from desire for small moments, in particular in relation to enjoying food, but in general I'm not feeling so horrible that I'm jumping away from the fire in desperation... I'm just sitting miserably waiting for some positive motivation to arise and it just doesn't for the most part. That's when I start thinking I need to change my life situation... find some sort of outside inspiration in the form of new friends or new input. I think as soon as the job I'm doing now ends in a few months, I might go on a trip somewhere to see if I can uncover some desire to live. Because almost every day I struggle all day thinking "what's the point of living?" and fantasizing about a sudden death that will relieve me of this burden.

 

But I know that is just perspective, that I'm just missing the desire. My desire box is broken.

 

But not entirely... the thirst for sun and trees has to be an indication that there's still some life in there somewhere and I just need to tap into it.

 

Plenty of sunshine here, not so many trees, but I'm off to the ugly park to walk to make the best of it.

[Nadia]

Something new going on with me... I've been flooded by emotion the past couple of days. Extreme pain, but in a good way, seeing the beauty in it. Enjoyed listening to music, felt that bittersweetness about life. Lots of memories from the past... in some ways it feels like coming alive. It reminds me of the great difference there is between sadness and pain and depression.

 

I wonder what all this is? Is it neuroemotion or real? Is it a backlog of unprocessed emotion? It's almost too much, overwhelming, can't stop crying and it's ramped up my anxiety quite a bit. Bad sleep, the song I listened to and liked stuck in my brain, my nerves feel like they are burning, overstimulated.

 

But still, I'm hoping this is an indication of healing. I want to hold onto being able to feel and finding some kind of beauty in life but also be able to relax my muscles and sleep and function.

 

I've meditated the past two days and am exercising again. I want to stay open and at the same time I want to rest... work-wise I have some pretty heavy days ahead and I need to be able to function. But I don't want to shelve what's going on with me, as painful as it is I feel like it is a step in the right direction.

[Altostrata]

It sounds to me like your nervous system is healing, and you starting to feel your feelings again.

[Nadia]

You know... sometimes I feel like I'm going backwards... I remember having this period of intense feelings when I first quit the ADs... maybe I'm coming full circle.

 

I'm about the same today... feel like something inside me is coming alive. Then I think too much and any thoughts I have I find hateful (they seem like platitudes if they are positive, even). I am trying just to breathe, and I am amazed that when I do (my attempt to meditate), I feel this really amazing sense of wellbeing. Not a full physical wellbeing, but like a seed of it deep inside that I can access and it makes me be able to withstand the moment. I only have felt this a few times before in my life. It feels like serotonin... like the wellbeing I got from Zoloft at the very beginning and what it feels like to take MDMA (in a much reduced way). But I don't know if it is that because I also have a terrible headache most of the day and feel uncomfortable physically. I can't stand to be touched very much even. I guess I'm overstimulated.

 

I'm also feeling a renewed sense of appreciation for myself in some weird way. It's hard to describe any of this.

 

I hope I get some sleep tonight because it is exhausting! I do hope this means healing.

 

I just have to keep breathing and finding that center. I keep on imagining that something is going inside me and cleaning my old, festering wounds. I think that visualization really helps.

 

It occurs to me that depression is rotten pain and sadness and anger... I remember when my best friend died when I was in college. I felt so much pain I thought I'd die from it. But I was alive at that point. Months later it festered into a deep, deep depression that lasted about a year (this was before I was on any meds). I think if I had managed it better, I would have risen from the pain and not fallen into the depression. But all I knew then was fighting my feelings with thoughts, shoving them down, or running from them. Well, maybe that is still the case, but I'm determined to find another way.

[tezza]

I hope this means healing for you,too, Nadia. I'm so glad to have found this website because there are so many special, wonderful people here. We all deserve the best and we are heading in the right direction. I think we have to believe we are healing.

 

Tezza

[spectio]

Hi, Nadia, I do love reading your posts, even when you're having an especially rough day. I know what you're saying about the intense emotions. They are all there aren't they. The intense guilt, the intense empathy, the intense love. Going to the movies is a trip, especially when it's one of these with animals or kids in the main roles. I still haven't ventured out to see War Horse yet. I may have to catch it on DVD. But as intense as that kind of emotion gets, it DOES feel good to cry and empathize again. Are you finding it easier to "change the channel" when something (like guilt) grabs you and won't let go. Just doing anything different seems to help. Is anything working for your headaches? I was using 800 mg of ibuprofen until I starting having even more intense nausea. Don't know if it was really the ibuprofen or not because even after stopping it, I still have daily bouts with nausea. Stay strong. One day(minute) at a time!

[Nadia]

Thanks Tezza and Spectio.

 

I don't take anything for the headaches, I just drink water (which I think helps)... it's like the kind of headache when you've been concentrating too hard, or have worked yourself up into a frenzy. I think I'm afraid of taking anything that might backfire... but also, they are low grade headaches with occasional fast stabbing pains on one side of the head. Not a sustained really intense pain, so I can live with it.

 

I think maybe I'm in some kind of slightly manic stage (though there is a lot of exhaustion going along with it). Last night my sleep was worse. Woke up after about three hours. Stayed in bed anyway, as I'm exhausted, but it's like my nervous system is on massive amounts of speed (it's not even like anxiety anymore, though I think it could devolve into that... it's more of a really uncomfortable amped feeling--I guess what it is different is it's not accompanied by dread), and is dragging the rest of my frazzled, exhausted self around and not letting it rest.

 

Mornings I feel pretty bad, I've been fighting it even though I know there is no use... lying in bed trying to calm the alarm that's screaming "EMERGENCY! EMERGENCY!". I need to get out there and walk. And jog... I've noticed I don't get the improved mood unless I jog for a little bit (some days I break into a jog almost naturally, others I have to really push myself because I'm so tired). If I meditate after the jog, I think I can access that wellbeing feeling more easily.

 

Interesting what you say about animals (the kids right now just cause me more anxiety because of my thing of trying to have one right now and all my doubts about it)... I have this thirst for simple, quiet animal company. I also have an aversion to having to take care of anything right now as I feel overwhelmed, but there is this pull... I can imagine petting a horse and feeling healed through that. Same with trees/nature. I went to a much nicer park in a different part of the city yesterday and it was so helpful (even if it meant plowing through stressful hoards of people and cars and public transportation to get there).

 

The changing the channel... still working on that. I'm good at the pushing stuff out, but it's the wrong way, it just comes back even stronger. I'm trying to work more on the inviting the feelings in but not engaging with them. So I guess a combination of changing the channel AND just awareness and acceptance.

 

One day/hour/minute at a time, yes. This morning I've been telling myself, I felt even worse yesterday morning, and then I felt quite a bit better in the afternoon, so I just need to get out and get active and I will be all right.

[Nadia]

Now that I think of it, the stabbing pains in the side of the head... I had not had that since being on ADs and then the first couple of months after CTing. Not sure what that means...

[Whatever]

But all I knew then was fighting my feelings with thoughts, shoving them down, or running from them. Well, maybe that is still the case, but I'm determined to find another way.

 

From reading all your posts my opinion is that you think too much. Your posts actually make me dizzy as your mind appears to race in circles. I suspect you were like this before the meds. Please correct me if I am wrong.

 

ADs are great at stopping this cycle, that is if you are content to feel absolutely nothing.

 

But, when you WD from them the feelings and racing thoughts come at you like a tidal wave.

 

I can very much relate to this. I learned at a young age to think through things, analyze situations as a way avoid feeling things. Because feeling was too uncomfortable. I think that the more intelligent you are the more likely you are to want to think through life as opposed to feel. And if you are intelligent people will reinforce this by saying "oh you are so smart", "being so smart must make life easy for you". Also when you are intelligent sometimes you hold the view that feelings are only for weak, simple-minded people.

 

I have been working on this thinking v. feeling issue all my life. I found that keeping a journal helps. See, if I don't feel the feeling then it just sits there and rots inside me and I try to analyze it away. So now what I do is keep a journal (I use one called Chronicle on my IPOD I-Touch). When someone hurts me, insults me, if I have one of those "gut reactions" that something isn't right I write all my feelings about the subject. Not thoughts, but feelings. For example, I had an incident with my SIL, I carried it around for weeks. Finally I just wrote in my journal "I hate you, I hate listening to your stupid meaningless stories...."

 

Doing this makes actually feel what is going on and it purges it from my mind and body.