Marta: Intro

[Marta]

@Shep thanks for the answer.

Yes, as in the last big wave of last year, I have anxiety, restlessness,0 appetite always, trouble sleeping, depression, anguish, detachment.

 

 

This time I have IN ADDITION many physical symptoms many of them I've never had. 

 

Regardless of the fever, that now it's almost gone, I have an endless list of physical symptoms that started symmetric to the "psychological" wave.

 

The spyral in the wave took several weeks like the first one. First goes the appetite, then the feeling something is wrong then one day I wake up in full anxiety blast and it stays there. 

 

So I guess no wave is like the other.  

 

On 4/6/2022 at 2:27 PM, Marta said:

New: pain in both arms (but not in the hands),pins and needles,stiff muscles in the legs,hard to walk the stairs,small periodic twitching of my lips, eyelid and one feet,feeling like I have an allergic reaction with no visible sign. Occasional tremors. I took a walk once and I felt like i ran a marathon

 

 

[Marta]

Sorry to write again here, I really try to hold myself but I am quite lost and distressed and this is the only place I have.

 

Every day is like the other, if this wave is like the other I have months ahead and it's killing me.

 

I am also scared my brain accommodate on this wd state because really I cannot feel any window. I am scared to death it will choose to remain like this.

 

The "pains", the cramps, the twitchings, the burnings are always there.

You know when you have muscle pain or something similar you feel a bit better after sleeping, or you feel a body pain healing in few days, then a new pain one starts and so on...normal life cycle. 

 

What I feel is always exactly the same pains from the moment I wake up till evening. It's like my brain cannot recover in the sleep. It is stuck here. When I open my eyes (after a +-4h bad sleep) I get hit by this brutal anxiety I cannot stay in bed I cannot stand up and all the most weird synthoms are always there. And in addition i live in this "nauseous-vertigo-depression-terror-slowed down on the outside-restlesness on the insde" state constantly.

 

It's crazy, if I scratch my skin, for example, the sensation that I scratched stays there so much longer than normal because my nerves are on the edge.

 

Thanks to whom will read this.

[almuPA]

I am so sorry to read this, dear @Marta.

I am no doctor or mod, so my words come from my own experience only. I think I've read before that you were going to go to the doctor? Sorry, maybe I am wrong. But I think it is a good idea to go and check if everything is ok. Unfortunately, it is not uncommon (as far as I've read in this website) to have this kind of waves, even 2 years off the AD's. 

20 hours ago, Marta said:

Regardless of the fever, that now it's almost gone,

Well, at least this is a good sign. Again, I am not a doctor, so please dont take my words very seriously, but my body (and my father's, by the way) had always responded to high levels of stress with fever. That being said, I would check with a doctor.

 

I understand that you've been like this for many days and it is hard to keep the faith, but please, remember that your body is able to heal. It has done it before. 

 

I hope you dont mind if I ask you, you dont need to answer, but are you still working? Do you have somebody that can take care of you? Are you able to do something to get your mind a bit out of this situation, like watching netflix, reading, playing with the phone, praying, meditation...? Sorry if there too many questions, I dont want to overwhelm you. 

 

Try to read the success stories (there are more and more of them, that makes me happy🙂), and remind yourself that you have the capacity to heal as well. 

 

Mando un abbraccio, amica mia.

 

[Ariel]

Hello @Marta

I am so sorry you are suffering through these awful symptoms. It sounds absolutely brutal. 

 

I'm not a doctor or a medical professional, and I agree with other members' opinion that it can be useful sometimes to get tested for infection or other pathogenic illness. Better to be on the safe side. Only you know best, based on what you are experiencing in your body and what your instincts are telling you, whether/when it makes sense to get a medical check-up. 

 

I'd like to share that in my first couple of years in withdrawal I had many more obviously physically-presenting symptoms than I do now. At one point my lymph nodes swelled to the size of golf balls and remained that way for months. Eventually I did go see a doctor about this, just to get checked, because it was so unusual. All the tests came back negative, and it was helpful to rule out any possibility of disease. Today I believe that this symptom was part of my system's complex withdrawal reaction, i.e. my body was combating extreme, extraordinary stress.

Someone once explained to me that the body does not distinguish between physical, mental, emotional, psychological stress. To the body stress is stress. And the complex experience of withdrawal syndrome comprises not only the body dealing with profound multi-system dysregulation and -repair in terms of physiological functioning, but also the meta-distress of the psychological impact, existential implications, sociopolitical ramifications, etc. of the whole lived phenomenon. In other words, going through withdrawal syndrome is radically stressful. It makes sense that the body would possible mobilize any and all defense mechanisms against such perception of massive threat. 

 

5 hours ago, Marta said:

I am also scared my brain accommodate on this wd state because really I cannot feel any window. I am scared to death it will choose to remain like this.

 

Something that helps me when I'm able to remember it -- and it can be difficult to remember when I'm caught up in a wave -- is that any fearful, anxious thoughts are themselves the product of the wave itself. There are the various unpleasant sensations of the wave, and then there is the wave's "voice", narrating the experience, telling the story of its own importance. The voice of the wave says: "I am here to stay, this is the new normal, this is how it's going to be from now on, I am the one and only truth." That voice is fear-based; it's generated by the fear of the wave, and it feeds on my fear of the wave, in a kind of vicious cycle. It's very seductive, because the bodily discomfort can be so strong that my mind gets easily convinced by the wave's dictatorial certainty. However, when I'm able to somehow cut through the bullsh*t and resist believing the wave's propaganda, it helps to remember: Oh yeah, this is a wave and that's just the wave talking. It's not me, and I'm not buying what the wave is selling. The evidence shows that past waves have come and gone. There is no reason to doubt that this wave, too, shall pass eventually. All the other waves tried to convince me they were forever, and they all turned out to be liars! (etc.) A wave has its own agenda, its voice is campaigning from its own self-serving platform. I don't have to vote for it. When I remember that, it can help me address the meta-fear of the experience and dial down the intensity overall.

 

5 hours ago, Marta said:

It's like my brain cannot recover in the sleep. It is stuck here. When I open my eyes (after a +-4h bad sleep) I get hit by this brutal anxiety I cannot stay in bed I cannot stand up and all the most weird synthoms are always there. And in addition i live in this "nauseous-vertigo-depression-terror-slowed down on the outside-restlesness on the insde" state constantly.

 

This sounds very familiar. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can relate to your description and feel I have gone through similar waves. In my experience, this gets better. It takes time, but it does get better.  

 

5 hours ago, Marta said:

It's crazy, if I scratch my skin, for example, the sensation that I scratched stays there so much longer than normal because my nerves are on the edge.

 

I recognize this, too. Especially in my first few years of withdrawal I struggled significantly with sensory impressions -- touch, smell, sound, sight, taste -- and their lasting impact. For example, there were times it took me an hour to lace my shoes, because I had such sensory hypersensitivity that I would feel desperate not being able to find the perfect, correct tension of the shoe on my foot. Sometimes I'd remain distracted for hours afterwards feeling that my left sneaker was asymmetrically tight compared to my right. It would drive me crazy! I had related experiences with all the other senses, too. I believe this is a withdrawal symptom. It is very distracting in the moment, it's inconvenient, and it can be quite disturbing when one doesn't understand what's happening. I'm happy to say, it gets better! I rarely, barely experience this anymore. I've found that a useful non-drug coping strategy for this symptom is acceptance. I try to feel the sensation, say hello, allow it to be there, like, Oh hi there sensation, I see you've come to visit with me in this moment. Make yourself at home while I go take care of whatever else I've got to take care of. (You may notice that I often attribute characters/voices to whatever is going on and engage in dialogue; this helps me.) The stronger and more surprising the sensations are, the more challenging this can be, but it might be worth experimenting with. If it's too hard to ignore completely, I try to actively distract myself. And it bears repeating -- this symptom gets better!

 

Marta, I'm so sorry that you're going through this nightmare experience. I'm holding space for you in your suffering. I trust that healing is possible, and that it is happening with every breath, even when not consciously detectable.

With all my heart, 

A. 

 

[Shep]

22 hours ago, Marta said:

Regardless of the fever, that now it's almost gone, I have an endless list of physical symptoms that started symmetric to the "psychological" wave.

 

I'm glad the fever is gone. It sounds like you're dealing with some sort of bug that likely tripped a bad wave. Please do as much self care as possible. As you recover from withdrawal, your body will be able to handle other illnesses better. But right now, you're still very sensitive. It won't always be this way. Over time, you'll be able to handle other illnesses without such intense symptoms from your prior withdrawal injuries. 

 

Please let us know how you're doing over the coming days. 

[Marta]

 

The doctor said nothing is wrong didn't want to do any test. I feel defeated I couldn't insist, I was trembling inside just trying to sit still. Maybe I should return and insist more I don't know.

 

For me don't see any improvement. I have:

24h anxiety, nausea, I barely sleep, I have sore muscles, I am restlessness I always fidget with my fingers but the worst ist this the ARMS PAIN. It's an electric pain in my biceps sometimes till the armpit sometime till the forearm. It stabs me all the day but in bed it's crazy. 

 

I don't know what do to, I am getting paranoid about nerve diseases, I don't know if I should see an neurologist however how weird is this pain. I wish it is caused by this mental suffering of this wave, like a somatic thing... I don't know what to think anymore. No painkiller helped. I am falling in the health anxiety in addition to all what I have.

 

I write my story more detailed for myself as a memory:

I was doing ok-ish till the 20 Febraury, after I ate mussles I found small itchy bubbles in my finegers (hand) but it could be totally unrelated. Showed the doctor, no idea. 25 February burning skin, anxiety 27 February appetite is lost (never returned so far) 3 March again small bubbles in the fingers and burning skin, begin of the arms pain. 10 March showed to the doctor my small bubbles again, gave an antihistamine I took 3 days, no change 15 March burning legs,anxiety became pure terror till present day 18 March high fever,burning pain continues 20-21-22 March 0 sleep (took benzo), tremors then only 3/4 hours each night till present day 21 March ER, they checked my heart did some blood tests all fine 29 March arms pain from sporadic to constant, dry eyes 1 April tried mild exercises made all much worse 3 April no sleep 4 April paranoia for nerve pain started, cramps, pain, twitching eyelid, lips all continues till today

 

@almuPA

On 4/8/2022 at 12:04 PM, almuPA said:

Do you have somebody that can take care of you? Are you able to do something to get your mind a bit out of this situation, like watching netflix, reading, playing with the phone, praying, meditation...?

I didn't lose the job at the moment, I was in sick leave and the rest of the days home office but it's a mental torture to try to work. My boyfriend is with me but he cannot do much. I call my mother once per day. I am not able to get my mind out of it, I am just researching nerve pain, I know rationally it's paranoid but I cannot cope otherwise. I tried to go to the supermarket in a lot of pain and anguish and it was a torture. I just do the bare minimum to survive. I wish so much I could say something more positive but it's not happening at the moment. I thank you so much for your message and kindness.

 

@Ariel

Thanks for the long messages and the kind words. Yes it's hard to know my body in this terror state that I am. I try...I tell myself not to lose hope...and all your nice suggestions....

It's also hard to admit a crash this big after two years. It's like my brain doesn't want to allow this ....

 

@Shep Thanks for checking. Sadly I don't see any improvement mentally or physically...soon it's 4 weeks that I am stable THIS bad, I slowly fell into this hell...I don't know, maybe you have a bigger statistics talking with so many peoples...to me it seems an eternity beyond repair.

[Believer]

Hi Marta,

I went through similar symptoms about a year ago, although I am still tapering. I get small blisters on my feet that hurt, itch, pop and then peel. It is a form of eczema caused by stress. Yours may be similar?

 

Last year I also lost my appetite (and 18 pounds), lost the ability to sleep and ran a mild fever for several weeks. I was also extremely restless, had a hard time sitting still and would wring my hands. I have slowly gotten better and many of the symptoms have lessened or disappeared. I had to make myself eat -  chicken, rice, nuts…. mild foods with low histamine. I went to several doctors and nothing was found. If you have seen a doctor and they say everything is okay, try to relax about your symptoms and accept them as much as possible (I know, HARD), that will help your system settle down. Be gentle and kind to yourself. You’ve recently gone through a lot of stressors, moving and a new job. That is stressful on someone not experiencing PAWS.

 

Saying prayers for you and your recovery.

 

Believer

[Heath]

@Marta health anxiety can be another symptom of wd. And you did acknowledge this coming on, that is good. I feel your pain I been in that spiral a couple of times without knowing that was what it was.  Iam so sorry you are dealing with that. Do what you can to change the channel . Something to occupy time. 
 

I will tell you I also have the small bubbles between my fingers every spring and summer. Due to me being allergic to pollen started long before ssris. Took me years to figure it out. 

 

couple of posts for emotional spiraling below if you haven’t read them. 
 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/14397-neuro-emotions/

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/13492-dealing-with-emotional-spirals/

 

 

[Marta]

@Believer and @Heath many thanks for stopping by.

 

I just give my "regular" update....again, sorry to write so much but I am quite isolated and this is the only place I have.

 

The anxiety level has been a tiny tiny bit less, the fingers/feet constant-almost-involuntary fidgeting has diminished at least a couple of hours.

 

 

But I am plagued with the physical symptoms full blown on... that make me feel so ill, unable to try mild exercise,to try yoga, it's hard to go for walk,hard to take care of myself.

 

It scares me that they are exactly the same every day. The pain in always in the same places. They don't "heal" they don't "mutate". And yes my nerves are so tense I can almost feel my blood flowing, I can feel everything. It's exhausting.

 

Also,the few hours I (poorly) sleep in the night are always the same. The moment I open my eyes the first thing that hit me is a ball of anxiety in the chest, and all the aches perpetuating.

 

Some moments I try to stay positive, some moments I feel trapped and paranoid.

 

Thanks for reading dispite my hopeless tone.

[Marta]

I am scared. I have burning pain. I don't see it going away. Every movement I make it's painful. Clothes are painful. I think one could diagnose me with fibromyalgia right now.

 

I am scared it will not go away even after the wave. I am terrified.

 

 

[Tom37]

It’s natural to worry it won’t go away once the wave ends. I always use to think like that especially when it was really bad. 
 

But one thing about withdrawal is that it never stays the same for very long and I’m sure you will see some changes soon.

 

You have to remember that when in a wave it most likely is affecting you emotionally and psychologically so what your thinking now isn’t always what you would normally think.

 

One day at a time and one minute at a time if need be. You will feel better soon.

[Marta]

@Tom37 thanks for answering. I hope so much it will be like you said,I totally wish to come here in few months and see an improvement. And I know my attitude is not helping at all. 

 

I feel like the mathematician in "a beautiful mind", just I am a physicist, I should be more rational but wd is all illogic.

 

First, it is definitely crazy the ability of the brain to create once again this wd experience at 2yrs off. 

 

Second, I am obsessed by my physical synthoms asymmetry, only the left eyelid twitches every few minutes,only the right foot/calf is numb/cramping constantly. But the arms hurts the same. Muscles hurt everywhere. My nerves are beyond tense for every tingling sensation.

Yes, I don't drop things or fall, I tell myself this is good but I am walking with shaking jelly legs. I cannot exercise everything hurts in a creepy way. And it's continuing for 3/4 weeks no stop together with nausea and bad sleep.

 

It would maybe help to book a neurologist after Easter however if I tell all what I feel I am sure of the immediate paranoid label so I have to prepare my speech. 

 

I know it doesn't help to write constantly here too and obsessively waiting for changes with respect to the older messages.

 

I am exhausted of all.

Hugs and thanks to whom read this.

 

 

[Greatful]

@Marta   I can really relate to how this is so puzzling and scary.....the brain does what it wants......I I have tingling and pain in my body and brain.......The nerves are going nuts trying to regenerate.....I try to tell myself all this too, but the brain does what it want anyway.......It's confused and the thoughts and fears feel so real.

I am grateful that you post your issues--it helps me to be kinder to myself because I feel a lot of the disconnect with those around me and I worry about complaining too much  myself here on SA........But really this is truly a hard, terrifying and  exhausting thing we are going through........

 

So keep letting it out and know that you are not alone.........Lonely and scared maybe but not alone. Sadly there are to many of us that are in this nightmare.

 

Hugs back at you🤗

 

[Marta]

@Shep tomorrow i can have in my hand the liquid lexapro (20mg/ml) I left at home.

 

I know it's crazy dangerous to reinstate after 2years, I am still trying to figure it out how much I can push through this. Not too much. I am getting worse and worse, expecially the excruciating physical pain. 

 

Is there a minimal dose i should consider to take if I decide so?

 

[Shep]

10 minutes ago, Marta said:

Shep tomorrow i can have in my hand the liquid lexapro (20mg/ml) I left at home.

 

Two years off is risky and your liquid Lexapro from 2020 is likely expired. 

 

On 4/7/2022 at 9:47 AM, Marta said:

@Shep thanks for the answer.

Yes, as in the last big wave of last year, I have anxiety, restlessness,0 appetite always, trouble sleeping, depression, anguish, detachment.

 

 

This time I have IN ADDITION many physical symptoms many of them I've never had. 

 

Regardless of the fever, that now it's almost gone, I have an endless list of physical symptoms that started symmetric to the "psychological" wave.

 

I'm not sure what you're dealing with now is completely connected to psychiatric drug withdrawal. It really sounds like you're recovering from either Covid that wasn't picked up by the test or some other virus. 

 

I truly sympathize with what you're going through Marta, but adding in an old drug may make this worse, especially at two years off. 

 

When people stop sleeping, it can cause severe pain throughout the body. Since the fever is leaving, if you can concentrate on gentle stretches, epsom salt baths, and self-care, you may see some relief. 

 

On 4/9/2022 at 11:47 AM, Marta said:

I don't know what do to, I am getting paranoid about nerve diseases, I don't know if I should see an neurologist however how weird is this pain. I wish it is caused by this mental suffering of this wave, like a somatic thing... I don't know what to think anymore. No painkiller helped. I am falling in the health anxiety in addition to all what I have.

 

When you say "no painkiller helped," which pain killers have you tried? 

 

Health anxiety can drive a lot of problems. 

 

Health anxiety, hypochondria and obsession with symptoms

 

If health anxiety is keeping you awake, please focus your non-drug techniques toward being able to let go of your thoughts. Perhaps start a "worry journal" and spend 15 minutes in the evening writing down your worries and them putting the journal away, shifting your thoughts to a guided meditation or if the agitation is too severe for meditation, working a jigsaw puzzle while listening to soft music, playing a quiet video game, or watching a favorite TV show. Anything to re-direct your worry-mind to something else. 

 

If seeing a neurologist will help with health anxiety, you may want to schedule an appointment to get checked out. 

[Marta]

@Shep thanks for the answer. I feel bad to bother, I also would love to understand what happened so far, as I wasn't doing so bad and then this crash.

 

The cipralx is not expired, I asked my mother to ask again the prescription from my old gp (you know Italy -_-)he thinks i am still taking it for life, as he suggested... anyhow it's just to have it, I also wish to avoid it.

 

I would also like to think that I am recovering from whatsoever virus but in my mind I would have just being groggy, fatigued and mostly on the couch while I am barely sleeping, barely eating, burning, pacing and having nerve pain, cramps in places I have never had. It's a month now.

 

Painkillers: paracetamol, ibuprofen, naproxen.

 

Maybe you are right I am just in a very very bad anxiety state and I convinced my mind that it's like the first withdrawal.

I will try the worry journal,good idea... usually I just journal my synthoms. The neurologist visit I will do after Easter, nothing to lose.

 

Again, I am sorry and thanks for your time. 

[ChessieCat]

https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/health-anxiety-self-help/

[Shep]

23 hours ago, Marta said:

Painkillers: paracetamol, ibuprofen, naproxen.

 

Thanks for adding this information. You should be okay with these in moderation. Do check out the resource that ChessieCat linked. Being able to lay down our worries goes a long way in helping us feeling better.

 

Let us know how you're feeling.

[Marta]

I am sorry to come here again.

My trip to Italy has been very sad, I am so sorry that my family has to see me suffering. My synthoms are 24/7 not a single second of improvement.

 

I have (all together):

-insomnia

-no appetite

-anxiety

-restlesness/tremors

-constant cramp sensation in my right foot/toes, never goes away since several weeks no matter what I do

-arms/armpits pain like acid/electric current, occasional finger painful twitching

-diffuse legs muscles pain that makes hard to walk, shaking legs when I do the stairs

-dry eyes

-occasional lip twitching

 

 

I will book a neurologist visit in the next days.

 

If someone reads this, do you think these symptoms can still be withdrawal/anxiety seatback? 

Had someone somethings similar or does it looks completely odd?

 

I have also the liquid lexapro, but I don't know what to do.

I just try to survive minute by minute. It's hard ro wake up every day (when i have the luck to sleep) and nothing changes.

 

 

 

 

 

[HealthHopeHappiness]

2 hours ago, Marta said:

I am sorry to come here again.

My trip to Italy has been very sad, I am so sorry that my family has to see me suffering. My synthoms are 24/7 not a single second of improvement.

 

I have (all together):

-insomnia

-no appetite

-anxiety

-restlesness/tremors

-constant cramp sensation in my right foot/toes, never goes away since several weeks no matter what I do

-arms/armpits pain like acid/electric current, occasional finger painful twitching

-diffuse legs muscles pain that makes hard to walk, shaking legs when I do the stairs

-dry eyes

-occasional lip twitching

 

 

I will book a neurologist visit in the next days.

 

If someone reads this, do you think these symptoms can still be withdrawal/anxiety seatback? 

Had someone somethings similar or does it looks completely odd?

 

I have also the liquid lexapro, but I don't know what to do.

I just try to survive minute by minute. It's hard ro wake up every day (when i have the luck to sleep) and nothing changes.

 

 

 

 

 

I have most of the symptoms you describe @Marta, particularly the muscle symptoms. I’ve had twitching, tremors, weakness, shaking, electric shocks, vibrating, buzzing - you name it, I have it. I also find it hard to walk or exert myself in anyway and, if I do, have painful burning sensations in my arms and legs afterwards. Everything you describe sounds like WD. I have spent over £1000 on neurology investigations with nothing found. The only thing it gave me was temporary peace of mind that nothing else was going on. I know it’s hard to believe that because the symptoms are so debilitating. Thinking of you. 💞

[Greatful]

@Marta  Please you don't have to  apologizing for being scared and needing reassurance.. Where else can we go to get validation that this is hard and scary.....I know that you have the skills and coping ability, you have gone through this before♥️ But sometimes we need to feel validations and encouragement that you are not alone and you can do this😊........Each day is a new day to find self compassion, coping, and new hope.♥️

[almuPA]

Hello @Marta,

 

I am sorry to read that you are still suffering and cannot find peace in this wave.

 

22 hours ago, Marta said:

My trip to Italy has been very sad, I am so sorry that my family has to see me suffering.

I know how that feels, but at the end of the day, you need help, and I am sure your family is ok with helping you. 

 

22 hours ago, Marta said:

If someone reads this, do you think these symptoms can still be withdrawal/anxiety seatback? 

Had someone somethings similar or does it looks completely odd?

I am no mod or expert, but for what I've read here, unfortunately, it can be the case. It is unfair and totally out of my comprehension how this is allowed to happen in our society, but it is not the first time I've read something similar happens, even after a period of time without symptoms.

 

22 hours ago, Marta said:

I will book a neurologist visit in the next days.

I did the same last year (again, like a lot of people here in this website). Maybe it can give you peace of mind that nothing is "wrong". 

 

Do you feel better in Italy, or at least taken care of? 

 

I send you a hug.

[Ariel]

Oh @Marta

So sorry you are being barraged with this onslaught of symptoms. It sounds relentless. 

 

I have experienced late-breaking waves, they can be quite a nasty surprise and cause significant meta-distress. 

 

Last week you wrote you were barely eating. Have you been able to eat a little since then? What are you eating these days, when possible? 

I am wondering whether there might be any nutritious, neutral foods that could help support your system in what it's going through.

You mentioned mussels in a previous post. Is it possible that ingesting shellfish aggravated an underlying vulnerability or food intolerance which in turn exacerbated symptoms? (There may not be any way to know.)

I find that my gut-brain communication is highly reactive. My healing process involves being mindful of what I eat and how it affects me. Some examples of soothing, "safe" foods I rely on: homemade bone broth, homemade meat stock, bland soups, even collagen powder mixed in hot water, puréed or mashed cooked vegetables. It seems to me that sometimes a few days of a liquid or mushy-non-solid diet can help calm things down a bit.  

 

I am thinking of you, brave Marta -- sending good vibes and holding space for healing, feel better soon,

A. 

[Greatful]

@Marta  How are you doing today?  Hang in there I know it's hard but you can do this♥️

[Marta]

Thanks for the messages @Ariel @HealthHopeHappiness @almuPA @Grateful

 

I am doing very bad. I don't see any improvement in my synthoms. My muscles are killing me 24/7,my leg is constantly contracted and it's hard to walk. My arms are killing me. Sleep is very bad, still several sleepless nights, appetite I forgot what it is. Tense and shaking.

Not to talk about the heaviness of every minute being alive, every thought, every movement is nauseous. 

 

I was healthy, I was eating healthy, I was going to the gym, my body was responding in a normal way. I feel/am disabled now. I cannot exercise, even stretching is painful,a gentle walk is a torture.

 

I am beyond terrified. I sadly read a story of a guy that had a seatback and never fully healed again. It's in my mind day and night like a worm. His name is Matt Samet, there is a topic also in SA. 

 

I soon have the neurologist visit I don't know what it will be, probably useless.

 

I do my best to just being alive but every day is the same. The last wave was more mental synthoms, this one is killing me physically and I am terrified by my body not responding 

[Ariel]

@Marta I am so sorry to hear you are still suffering so intensely. My heart goes out to you. What you are experiencing sounds absolutely awful. 

I'm glad you've got the neurologist visit coming up. I hope it will be helpful, if nothing else then for the purposes of elimination. 

Please hang in there, you are so brave. I am thinking of you and sending love and light for healing. 

Holding space, 

A.

[Marta]

I am beyond terrified and scared... I am losing control of my body. How could my brain making all of this without giving in the escitalopram for two years???? It's not a mild discomfort, I am at the edge of surviving.

 

I am into the thick of it,no way out. It's all so entangled. The cramps, the pain, the jerks,the terror. I am weak, it's hard to stand on my feet, everything is trembling. Always the same, always the same places day after day. How can I possibly heal from this? 

I try to plan my movements minute by minute. I tried all baths, painkillers, stretching, supplements. 

 

I guess till I will have this constant chemical terror and insomnia nothing will improve. It's a daily nightmare and I am trapped. The first thing I felt in the morning of the 18.03 was chemical terror then all the muscles issues slowly building up in few days and never went away.

 

Sorry for this message but I am 36 days in this hell (plus a few of weeks of pre-disconfort) with no change. My job is not going good it's hard to concentrate. I can barely eat, I adventured myself in a supermarket a couple of times and it has been a nightmare with my walking limitations and nausea for food, I barely can clean a room of my house in few days, I spending most of the hours sitting and every position is uncomfortable, I barely talk with my boyfriend, I have to think in advance every action because I cannot take a single minute more. No jokes no exaggeration. 

 

 

[Ariel]

@Marta

Saddened to hear that these symptoms are still causing you so much suffering. You are being so very brave enduring such pain. 

I'm glad that despite everything you are checking in and updating us here. It's good to follow your news, even though I wish it were better for you. 

 

13 minutes ago, Marta said:

My job is not going good it's hard to concentrate.

 

Not surprising that it's hard to concentrate with everything you're experiencing in your body! I am however surprised to read that you're still going to work. Do you want to continue working for the time being, or do you have to? Are you able to take sick leave? Do you think work activities could be contributing to stress and aggravating your condition? Or is it welcome to have a distraction? What would it feel like to have some time off and devote yourself to rest?

 

It's difficult to know what to do or how to tackle things. You are doing the best you can, hanging in there and getting through moment by moment. So much of this process is trial and error, one day at a time. If nothing makes you feel better, maybe there are some things that at least will not make you feel worse. And if that doesn't help either, keep going as you're going -- one step at a time, one foot in front of the other, one breath at a time -- you will make it through! I believe in you. 

 

I'm sending you heartfelt healing vibes and holding space for your distress. May things improve for you very soon, may you experience some relief. 

A. 

[Marta]

@Ariel thank you so much for writing me. At least reading can make me survive more. Writing here it's like a reward for me for staying alive, on the other side I know (since it's not the first time that I am so sick) that it's a trigger to maniacally dig horror posts, I did it ast year I am doing it now.

 

The luck of my work is that I can do home office (if I would have to stand 8 hours I would have to quit), the second luck is that since I am new they give me just small tasks (for the moment).I just have to check documents and norms. It's an enormous effort for me to do it, sometimes I don't know if I am reading something in a nauseous dream or in reality. I must read all 10 times. I set an alarm in like 5 minutes range and impose with all my strength to focus only on the task. Then after I take 20 minutes to go mad, pacing back and forth, squeezing my right leg and arms to try to understand this pain, check if my toes cramp,health anxiety runs free, dr google and so on. And then I impose myself 5 minutes again till I finish something. I am slow, my colleagues noticed, I hope they will have patience. It will be hard to lose the job, the rent we pay is not that cheap, Austria in general is not that cheap. The fear, terror of losing the job is just another terror that sums to my ordinary terror.

Also to answer to your previous question, I try always to eat healthy with zero appetite...carbs are almost zero, I bite a biscuit sometimes...the rest is simple food that I can force myself to swallow, a soup, one egg, some salmon, salad, some fruit, hummus, protein shakes, some bites of dark chocolate, some bites of chicken, some tomatoes...sometimes I am so desperate I just drink hot water, because the cold water feels to make my throat even more contracted from the huge anxiety I have. My boyfriend helps for the food. 

 

I don't know how much I can last, I don't know what is happening to my body in general, these disabling physical pains at the top of my standard wave mental state are a brutal unexpected shock. The last big wave lasted 3 months, but I was stuck in a dp/dr pssd anehdonia skin insensitivity like a zombie, the physical pain was much less prominent. I hope it is possible that each wave is different. This time I have much less dp/dr, I feel myself more but I am rolling with a body I don't recognize as mine.I hope this is a wave too and not the end for me.

How can I possibly know...

 

I don't know anything. How long? How much can my body take? How many night I can sleep 2 hours? 

 

And I would love to have even a 5 nano seconds window, but nothing is happening. If I am not already in a grave is just because I live for my family and my boyfriend, and of course for the people here. None else! My friends are far, not only physically but mentally I cannot think about them, they exist in an effortless, fluid dimension that I cannot tolerate. There will be always a gap that I can try to hide but deep inside I cannot tolerate even in good times.

 

Sorry for the long message.

 

 

[Ariel]

Hi @Marta

It is so good to hear from you, thank you for the update. I'm glad you wrote. 

 

Reading your post I am struck by how smart, strong, and capable you are. Your work strategy of dividing tasks into 5-minute increments is brilliant. I admire your method so much and feel inspired to implement a similar tactic in my life. You deserve so much credit not only for coping as well as you are but also for sticking with it and not giving up. I trust that your valiant efforts are promoting neurogenesis all along. And you know what else? A lot of people who are not sick at all go to work and accomplish much less than you because they do not have the executive strategies you do. They'll sit there staring at a screen for an hour and zone out, unaware that they are unable to pay attention. If only they had Marta's aptitude for problem-solving and breaking things down into manageable chunks, but alas. I mean, I feel sorry for them.

 

Thank you for sharing about your diet. I'm sorry you have no appetite and that eating is part of the struggle. You are so experienced in how to take care of yourself and you are doing everything you can. I'm sorry that life has forced you to become an expert in this. At the same time, I'm grateful for your expertise, because I know it is serving you. Even though you may not be able to feel the effects right in this very moment, many vital healing processes are taking place in your body the whole time. Around the clock, continuously, healing is happening. You are taking excellent care of yourself under unreasonably challenging circumstances, and you are a champion! I'm glad that your boyfriend helps you, you deserve every support. 

 

I have a feeling that things are flowing and loosening and relief is not far away. Hope is on the horizon. You're amazing, Marta, truly. You're my hero.

Holding space, goodnight,

A. 

 

 

 

[Greatful]

@Marta  

Oh I am so sorry you have to go through another horrible wave........Yes you are very strong, to be working still is a huge accomplishment......You will get through this Marta...I know how hard the days can be but you are making it and it will brake lose soon.......I wish I could do more for you, but know that I care and am here for you.....Post away and keep letting it out.♥️

 

Sadly the tone is quiet when it comes to your question on how this could be from 2 years out......

Nobody really  knows about the real long term affects of these drugs, what they really are doing to our bodies and mind......Where are the studies to monitor this?  How can the medical field stick there heads in the sand.........Even my doctor yesterday admitted that they really don't know much about these drugs....By posting your pain and suffering here maybe the few doctors that may read this or anyone that can take the stories to a higher platform will listen and help move the progress forward in dealing with these drugs.

 

Big hugs and well wish 🤗

[Marta]

I tried to pull my mind away from my body but it's hard to ignore it. I don't feel my "old" body anymore. It's not my "normal" pain.

After the first big anxiety surge and the subsequent 4days no sleep things changed for my body and here I am.

 

My muscles are weak, the right leg feels different than the left,my arms hurt,two fingers of my right hand are stiff, lips twitching. In general all my body hurts, pins needles,cramps. Constantly!

 

Of course I have still a high degree of anxiety, nausea and insomnia every day. But feeling all this weird pain doesn't help. It's all weird and distorted. For example also my nails on my skin feel different.

 

I dragged myself for a walk yesterday because it was sunny... Well it has been horror, because I felt like fainting and I had to think about every step. My legs were shaking so much on the stairs I am glad nobody saw me.

 

On the 13th of May I have the neurologist visit I am 100%sure the maximum he will say will be fibromyalgia. I read somewhere that wd can mimic it, but it doesn't make anything better.

 

 

I don't know how could I possibly heal from this. I am stuck here, so stuck 😖

 

Thanks so much for letting me write as much as I feel.

 

Last note: Before this seatback in one/two years I was hoping to feel better and even had the audacity to think about having a family with my boyfriend. Cannot see anything of this anymore.

[Shep]

6 hours ago, Marta said:

On the 13th of May I have the neurologist visit I am 100%sure the maximum he will say will be fibromyalgia. I read somewhere that wd can mimic it, but it doesn't make anything better.

 

Yes, withdrawal can cause figromyalgia because of the sleep deprivation. Please be sure and tell your neurologist about your fever and a virus (possibly even COVID that might not have been picked up by a home test). 

 

I would narrate your story that way if you're not sure you're dealing with a doctor who's aware of psychiatric drug withdrawal (most doctors aren't). You want to be a credible witness, so to speak, during your appointment. 

 

Hang in there, Marta. 

[Marta]

@ShepThanks for the answer. I am trying to thinking accurately what/how to tell the neurologist.

 

39 day in hell for me not a single change. I am losing hope, really. I have very dark thoughts. 

 

I don't know where to lay, I don't know where to stay because there is no relief for the mental and the physical. I cannot walk much to search for any relief,my right leg/food is too crazy painful. It feels a mixture of "growing pains"/numbness if I can give a parallel. My arms are done.

 

 

I don't know if this is not withdrawal anymore or really my brain shutting down (however excluding the new physical symptoms i feel the same as last waves)for this stress of changing my life. 

 

I just have some questions:

 

-Is in wd the perseption of pain different?

-Are there people who had pain in the same part and not moving around in wd?

-have some people several months with no windows after being off so long?

-People with horrible nerve/muscolar pains they found that they REALLY magically disappeared at some point? Because I really feel so bad i feel even physically I have some big damage (even if nothing will be found)

 

🙏 I Suffer so much every second

 

[Heath]

23 hours ago, Marta said:

 

 

I just have some questions:

 

-Is in wd the perseption of pain different?

-Are there people who had pain in the same part and not moving around in wd?

-have some people several months with no windows after being off so long?

-People with horrible nerve/muscolar pains they found that they REALLY magically disappeared at some point? Because I really feel so bad i feel even physically I have some big damage (even if nothing will be found)

 

🙏 I Suffer so much every second

 

@Marta I can answer the physical pain questions from my experience. 
 

so when I started on these meds at obviously too high of dose. I had pains that came up from old injuries elbow tendinitis, back and neck pain. For first months on Paxil I had severe pains in these old injuries come and go finally going away. At the time I thought well that’s just old injury. But now years later after a few bad wd tapers and my slow taper I’m seeing them come and go again. 

 

Years ago during some slightly unstable tapering I had a kidney stone went to er for pain and was given pain meds. The next morning I had severe plantar fasciitis pain in my foot. 
 

I am tapering pretty slow and there are some days or weeks I feel like I am a 100 year old. My legs and arms are stiff and sore. I can’t pin point it down to a science. But I know and see it come and go in my tapering schedule. It will happen at least once every time when I taper then hold. 
 

When I taper I start seeing some wd symptoms about a week later and may not see the full effect of said taper for a few months out. And also several tapers may even compound symptoms many months later. 
 

And yes physical pain from wd goes away- from my experience and I ve read same with others.

Wd does affect our perception of pain. The anxiety from wd increases our sensitivity to pain. 
 

anxiety feeds pain and pain feeds anxiety.  It’s a cycle. 
 

And somehow wd affects us physically in bones and muscles. The nervous system controls everything in our body. 
 

In wd the nervous system is hypersensitive. That is fact. 
 

hang on Marta 💪
 

 

 

[Ariel]

Hi @Marta

Hang in there, braveheart.

Thinking of you and sending love