☼ Junglechicken

[ChessieCat]

And on a positive note, you have sold the house!

[manymoretodays]

And on another positive note........you don't see this.......this job, and your departure from it as a failure.  Sometimes I wonder if there are any actual failures in life.........sure, lot's of learning and growing experiences........but actual failures??  Kind of like W/D........life is sometimes.

 

Thanks for keeping us updated Jungle.

 

Nothing but blue skies and roses from here on out, okay?    Well......wishing that for us all.

 

mmt

[Junglechicken]

Thanks guys.....

 

Life is one tough journey, and because of this hubby and I have realised we need to get marriage counseling on account of the amount we have had to deal with all at once.

 

The norm for us for the last few years has been 4-5 major things going on simultaneously which is tough on any marriage.

 

We don't see it as a failing, just that we need help from someone neutral to resolve some issues that frankly we haven't had time to figure out/work through.

[ChessieCat]

"We don't see it as a failing, just that we need help from someone neutral to resolve some issues that frankly we haven't had time to figure out/work through."

 

I see that as being very wise.

 

And I agree with MMT.

[Junglechicken]

Thanks again MMT and CC :0)

[Junglechicken]

Forgot to say that I am feeling drained today.

 

Normally my energy levels are pretty good, but not today.......I just hope this is to do with the stress of the past 4 weeks and not illness. The second and third week at work I had a heavy cold which really dragged me down.

 

In the last 5 days I have had bouts of trapped wind, sore stomach, bad headaches and nausea. Also hot/cold feeling, sharp pains in random places, very slightly wheezy (asthma??) which never gets worse and I have not had to take my inhaler. My lung function was tested very recently and all good.

 

The first week at work I was constipated due to anxiety/stress and had to take Dulcolax. Never been that bad in my life.

 

Hoping this will all calm down as the stress leaves my body.

[Junglechicken]

Been feeling off today (mentally and physically) and so has hubby.

 

I have trembly hands, having not had anything to eat since around 1pm today I got that low blood sugar feeliing.  This morning I had the temperature dis-regulation, and I am getting over GI issues since the stress of the last month.  All that stress really threw me for a loop.

 

Hubby and I are having a tough time in general.  I think he feels disgruntled that yet again we don't have an income.

 

In reflection we have had little joy in our lives even since we got married - life has been one big treadmill.

 

Looking forward to starting marriage counselling.

[Junglechicken]

Crazy, just crazy....

 

I spoke to my aunt last night for 2.5 hrs about the subject of my parents and more specifically my mother.  For most of my life I hardly ever saw my aunt or cousins (on my mothers side) because of the fractured relationship I guess my mother had with her sister.  And for all that time I had had the wool pulled over my eyes about them by my mother.

 

Some very sad truths have come out of the woodwork about my mother.  This is incredibly shocking to me   She wrecked my life.

 

She is abusive to so many people, and has been acting out her death wish on account of my father's declining health for the last 7 years (by starving herself to death - anorexic).  She also gets through a bottle of vodka and whiskey every 4-5 days, has weird hours, won't do anything around the house, won't listen to people etc, etc.,

 

This is a lot to come to terms with, and my life feels fake somehow given that my mother isn't the person she chooses to display in public.  

[AliG]

Hey JC.  So sorry. I understand about the crazy family stuff. I have spent a good deal of time dealing with the past too but I'm over it now and I hope in time that you get to that healthy place also. You have probably had enough I would imagine. I know I have. Try to leave it behind and move on if you can.

Hugs,

Ali

[Junglechicken]

Thank you Ali,

 

I guess its AD WD healing on top of family baggage healing.

 

Just devastated by the whole thing.

 

Hugs,

JC

[AliG]

I know . It is devastating or can be if you let it. That isn't going to happen though as you're stronger than that. You just have to make the decision to live in the present.

Obviously it's easier said than done but it's possible. Try if you can to leave it all behind. Look after yourself. 

Life's too short .

Hugs,

Ali 

[Junglechicken]

Ali - wise words indeed.

 

I just need time to heal from all this.  

 

Its not as though I didn't realise something was wrong with my mother... I just didn't know that her behaviour had a label i.e NPD.

 

Hugs,

JC

[Junglechicken]

On top of that, for a long time, my parents had been trying to get me and my brother to write them into our wills.

 

I did before I moved to Canada (stupid me), but I refuse to now.

 

They don't even have their own wills sorted out according to my aunt.

[ChessieCat]

I had to come to terms with the fact that I didn't like lots of things about my mother.  I found this confusing because I thought that you either loved or hated, until I realised as I got older that you can love someone but not like everything about them.  My mother wasn't a horrible person, thankfully, and during my tough marriage she did give some support, but as I came to terms with the fact that I didn't really like her and that if she wasn't my mother and I met her socially I probably wouldn't want her as a friend, I realised that I loved her because of who she was, not how she was and I began to understand and accept that.

 

It may take a bit of time and be difficult to deal with it, and that is very understandable, but it is better to deal with it now than to push it under the carpet and have it raise its ugly head down the track.

[Junglechicken]

Chessie, I am sorry that you had a hard time with your mother too.

 

I guess this is something that will need hours of therapy to get resolved in my mind.

 

Also, I understand that many people don't realise that a parent has NPD until they are in their forties.

[ChessieCat]

Thanks JungleChicken, I appreciate that.  And I'm sorry they you have to deal with your issues as well.  As I say to people, we all have issues, it's just different issues.

 

It's interesting that you mention people realising in their 40s.  It probably has a lot to do with exposure to the outside world and I think it may be different for women than for men.  I can remember thinking I hated my mother until I was in my early 30s.  I didn't fully understand her until I was seeing a psychologist 5 years ago, so I was 55.  I was very fortunate to have been able to understand and come to terms with it before she died at the end of 2013.  I did have to stand up for myself with my sister though, who told me that I had to do something because it was my duty (she is 10 years older than me so from a different era) and I just told her no I don't.

 

I think now that you truly know what she is like and because you have started discussing it, that you will probably be able to deal with it okay.  You need to get it out of your head otherwise it will keep going around in circles and drive you nuts, or nuttier   You might want to consider journalling.  There is a link here which talks about journalling between therapy sessions.  Check out the cartoon!

 

Journalling - Therapeutic Writing & Health Benefits

[Junglechicken]

Yes, we do all have issues.....and likely one of the reasons why we ended up here (on SA) in the first place.

 

I am extremely talented at driving myself nuts over things. This most recent revelation (my mothers NPD) explains many things about why my parents have ended up in the position they are in.

 

In our twenties we are going out and having fun, thirties we are thinking more about the future and careers....and in our forties we have probably established a career and can reflect on our lives and of course the life experience we have accumulated. This would include recognizing that our parents aren't so great after all, and cannot pull the wool over our eyes anymore.

 

BTW.....the paragraph above is not a blanket statement for everyone, but I am sure many can relate.

 

Thank you for your support Chessie, especially as you have been through the pain of all this yourself.

 

It is so hard with siblings involved. My brother is 3 yrs older than me and has always been my mothers "golden child". He has a very different lens on all of this as she treated him differently.

 

Thank you also for the journaling link.

[Junglechicken]

Just spreading the word for those in the UK...

 

Email from Lesley Ashmall received today (18th Oct 2016):

 

Thank you all so much for your help.  The BBC2 programme will air tomorrow morning (barring a big breaking news story). I know some of you are abroad, but for those of you in Britain, it’s on the BBC2 Victoria Derbyshire, between 9am -11am.  

The long 12 minute film will air first, between 9am-10am and then afterwards, between 10am and 11am a shorter version will be broadcast and we will have a live studio discussion with guests.  I’d urge any of you to get in touch with the programme after 9am tomorrow, with questions and even your stories.  We can then put them to our guests, but also if the editor sees how many people have been affected by this, we may be able to do a larger investigation at a later date.  There are certainly some issues raised over the course of my research which I think could do with a deeper look (they involve more lawyers though, so we’d need a little more time).

But I just wanted to encourage you all to watch the programme.

I have shorter social media clips available too, which I’ll send on and hopefully you can all share on your forums etc.

 

Thank you all for your help,

 

 

Lesley Ashmall

Reporter BBC TV

The Victoria Derbsyhire Programme

07711-894243

020-3614-3111

http://www.bbc.co.uk...rammes/b05qqk5c

[Junglechicken]

Have started experiencing muscle jerks whilst trying to sleep.  Sometimes my leg, sometimes my arm.

 

For a few days I had these weird, almost stitch like small sharp pains in my left side, under my ribs.  Also pain across my chest, under the breast area and ribs.  I had this for maybe 4 days, and I think it has gone now, but can't be sure.

 

I also occasionally get weird sensations in my pallet/throat.  Can't be sure if they have been caused by my mouth guard which sits on the roof of my mouth, or from occasional acid reflux???

 

Also, I would say my skin issues and thrush/Candida are the biggest thing at the moment.  The thrush/Candida started in the summer (I had never had it before).

[Junglechicken]

Hi all,

 

Here is the link to the BBC 2 "The 'extreme' side-effects of antidepressants" by Lesley Ashmall.

 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-37682355

 

Best,

JC x

[Junglechicken]

I have still got those chest pains wandering around my upper body.

 

Not sure if this is stress-related or not 

 

For over 6 weeks now we have been sleeping on camp beds, and now I am on the sofa as the camp beds were too uncomfortable.  I was getting sore hips and lower back.

[Junglechicken]

This morning hubby and I went to see a marriage counsellor.

 

The counsellor concluded that I needed to have counselling for 4-6 weeks before resuming counselling as a couple.  

 

Hubby has felt emotionally drained by the whole experience and has been tired the whole day - hardly surprising.

 

Tomorrow we are off to visit my MIL and to stay the night - as always its such a joy (NOT), as she is also a narcissist.  She has no interest in other people and everything revolves around her and what she wants etc.,

 

I still have those upper body pains.

[AliG]

JC. At this point we probably all need to see marriage counsellors .  Please don't feel alone. This is hard but you are in good company.

 

Good luck with the MIL.

Ali

[Junglechicken]

Thank you Ali, I really appreciate your support :0)

 

The counsellor said that I need to address the route causes that are making me depressed.  Once I am on track with that THEN I can continue having couples counselling.  Its to do with having the "head space" to deal with marital issues.

 

Yup, seeing the MIL is a whole bunch of laughs.  The only perk of going there is that the restaurant has really good food, lol.  Other than that she just whinges about how awful her life is (she lives in 5* accommodation BTW with EVERYTHING laid on), and has a 'To Do' list for my hubby the minute he sets foot in the door.  She treats him like a surrogate husband (her husband died 10 yrs ago now).  Co-dependency springs to mind and its NOT good.

 

Bloody old b***h!

 

Ah well.... and I'm trying not to panic about these upper body pains 

[Junglechicken]

Grrrr - just felt a sharp pain under my left boob     Lifted my left arm up and that was sore.  Keep catastrophising and thinking its the "C" thing 

 

Hubby keeps telling me its stress related and also the discomfort of sleeping on camp beds/sofa.

 

I hate this, being consumed by fear.

[AliG]

JC.  I know you have health anxiety and I understand that but what if for a few seconds/ minutes/ hours you just  go with the flow and don't give into the fears.

 

That's what I did through a lot of this journey. I tried not to let fear rule and breathed through any panic attacks as they occurred but didn't project into the future.

 

Sometimes distraction can be so helpful as well.

 

Suffice to say that sometimes if you give in and " go with the flow" it's less of a struggle and your CNS can settle.

Hugs,

Ali

[AliG]

    Sending much love and powerful healing thoughts your way ! You will make it through this JC. 

[brassmonkey]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Junglechicken]

Thank you both so much ..... Ali and Brass. Yup, I just gotta keep on rollin.

 

Last night we were watching a Facebook live stream wedding (a friend of my hubby's) taking place in Brisbane, Oz.

 

The wonders of social media/technology.

[Junglechicken]

Have been in pain today......am confused as to why.

 

Am I in a wave? I also currently have my TOTM.

 

I have experienced:

 

Urgency to pee

Lower abdominal pain

GI cramps

Pain right in the middle of my body

random sharp pains

pain under my left ribs (but also under my right ribs)

a pulsating sharp pain between my left shoulder and boob

Pain in my sides

Back pain

 

This is a whole different type of pain than what I have experienced before during a wave.

 

Is this due to too much adrenaline in my body? I walked for 2hrs today.

 

Feeling down as this seems so out of the blue, and if it is a wave, what the heck has caused it??

[Junglechicken]

Sleeping on blow up mattress at my MIL has given me back ache whereas it didn't a few months ago when we were last here. I guess it has lost some air as hubby said he didn't put more air into it.

 

I seem to be very sensitive to what I am sleeping on.

 

Still worried about the pains I was getting yesterday.

[Junglechicken]

Trying to follow my bliss as AliG said, but struggling.

 

Had mid-upper back pain this afternoon which I thought might be because of a UTI. I have been living with thrush since the summer and haven't been able to get rid of it yet.

 

Thought this might have caused a UTI (back pain).

 

I guess this is going to mean a trip to the doctors tomorrow :0(

[Junglechicken]

Managed to talk myself out of the need to go to the doctor because of pain in my body.

 

When I thought long and hard about it, the pains that have popped up all over my body are in response to all the stress that I have been under over the last couple of months.

 

They are NOT because every organ in my body is failing simultaneously.

 

I have been there, done that, and worn the T-shirt with the aches and pains.

 

Therefore, I am in a WAVE.....yah boo sucks. CNS not happy, gotta do some self-care now.

 

Ok Ali.....I will keep TRYING to follow my bliss, lol.

[Junglechicken]

Funny, my MIL wanted to pay for me to have "TMS".

 

I think she thought she could pay to "fix" me, lol.

 

Tried to explain to her in the simplest terms that "withdrawal" cannot be fixed.

[Junglechicken]

Don't want to speak to soon, but "changing the channel" on my thinking, has meant that my bodily pains have subsided today.

 

In WD, Stress = pain

 

Simple as.

 

I am going to re-start the stretching which I was doing in Canada, which relieved some of the tension that had built up in my body.

 

Am also going to look into Aqua-running/aerobics again as this really helped with strength and flexibility.

[Junglechicken]

Initial session with therapist is now booked for Nov 15th.

 

Keep waking up in the middle of the night feeling too hot.  Am used to sleeping with the window open, but we are in the living room and I am on the sofa using my sleeping bag as a duvet, then with the heating on I just burn up    Can't wait for the bed to arrive on the 2nd Nov, and have the window open.

 

Still experiencing random pains, and still under the ribs on my left hand side.