☼ Junglechicken

[Junglechicken]

Have booked follow-up appointment with GP for my GERD.

 

Symptoms not calming and am on Day 8 of PPI meds.

 

Since its down to the Brain-Gut connection, I expect the "Divorce" with my mother hasn't helped healing at all.

 

Although in time I'll feel better, I don't right now 

[Kristine]

25 minutes ago, Junglechicken said:

Have booked follow-up appointment with GP for my GERD.

 

Symptoms not calming and am on Day 8 of PPI meds.

 

Since its down to the Brain-Gut connection, I expect the "Divorce" with my mother hasn't helped healing at all.

 

Although in time I'll feel better, I don't right now 

Hey JC,  just dropping by to let you know I am thinking of you. You have been through so much and you are so very strong. I hope your appointment goes well. I understand your mother situation. It's so tough. I haven't seen my mother for ten years. I was her parent and her doormat...if I hadn't put up the ridged boundaries she would have destroyed me. I'm so sorry you even had to make this decision...it just shouldn't be that way. Nurture yourself JC...you're worth it  Much Love K xo

[Junglechicken]

3 minutes ago, Kristine said:

Hey JC,  just dropping by to let you know I am thinking of you. You have been through so much and you are so very strong. I hope your appointment goes well. I understand your mother situation. It's so tough. I haven't seen my mother for ten years. I was her parent and her doormat...if I hadn't put up the ridged boundaries she would have destroyed me. I'm so sorry you even had to make this decision...it just shouldn't be that way. Nurture yourself JC...you're worth it  Much Love K xo

 

Thank you Kristine for your lovely words,

 

I'm still having to slap myself daily about her cruelty towards me.  I feel guilty about leaving her now that she is widowed, but why??

 

She became worse and worse in the lead up to my father's death, and is absolutely evil now.

 

Really scared about damage to my oesophagus and cancer.........very painful throat symptoms.

 

I'm sorry you had to go through maternal hell as well. 

 

It just doesn't bear thinking about, the cruelty, self-absorbed, dysfunctionality of these people who are supposed to nurture us.  Also, she continually spoke badly of my dead father over the weekend (just gone).

 

Much love, 

JC xx

 

 

 

[Kristine]

Oh Dearest JC,  you are feeling guilty because you are a good person!  There is no shame in that  Just try to take it one step at a time with discovering the cause of your throat and oesophagas symptoms. I know this is easier said than done but you need to try to keep your stress levels as low as possible.  I think a giant window will be coming your way soon JC (((Hugs))) K xo

[Junglechicken]

2 minutes ago, Kristine said:

Oh Dearest JC,  you are feeling guilty because you are a good person!  There is no shame in that  Just try to take it one step at a time with discovering the cause of your throat and oesophagas symptoms. I know this is easier said than done but you need to try to keep your stress levels as low as possible.  I think a giant window will be coming your way soon JC (((Hugs))) K xo

 

Dearest K,

 

You are a ray of sunshine on a very rainy day (here in the UK)!

 

I'm waiting for an email from my ND, so hope she can shed some light on my symptoms, although they seem to be flaring up with my emotional state.

 

Women tend to hold their emotions in their throat (which is why we get problems with our thyroids), and with men, its their heart (hence heart problems).  I pray its nothing serious, and just inflammation from GERD.

 

I'm looking out of a lovely window but not a symptom-free one...........YET!

 

HUGS,

JC xx

[powerback]

3 hours ago, Junglechicken said:

 

Dearest K,

 

You are a ray of sunshine on a very rainy day (here in the UK)!

 

I'm waiting for an email from my ND, so hope she can shed some light on my symptoms, although they seem to be flaring up with my emotional state.

 

Women tend to hold their emotions in their throat (which is why we get problems with our thyroids), and with men, its their heart (hence heart problems).  I pray its nothing serious, and just inflammation from GERD.

 

I'm looking out of a lovely window but not a symptom-free one...........YET!

 

HUGS,

JC xx

Hi JC sorry for your troubles,your mother sounds like a narc to me [of course only my assumption from reading what you've  wrote] .your recovery is taking a huge setback  with all your going through ,she cant be allowed to drain the life out of you like this .

 

.I myself refuse to be around my father and we live in the same town ,hes a decent man but has a huge pain body and ours clash so being in withdrawl its impossible to listen to he's pathological negativity .I seen him earlier today  for a minute and the first thing out of he's mouth was pessimism ,I worry its in my DNA .

I will have to keep this distance between us for the rest of my life because sadly ive realised after many many years I was very absorbent to his influence .he didn't do it on purpose but it has only hampered my life .  of course my self critic goes insane these days for being the type to absorb this influence . 

 

Narcissism is a  very  serious  condition but extremely damaging to anyone caught in there net .theres  a guy called Richard Gannon[the Spartan life coach ],give him a look up on youtube and maybe it can help with your feelings of guilt for divorcing from your mother and you history with her . 

Take care JC

[Dalalea]

4 hours ago, Junglechicken said:

I feel guilty

Hi J.C.

Try not to put guilt on yourself over your situation with your mom. 

I was reminded this morning of how important forgiveness is to our health. I have held onto un-forgiveness for others and myself over the years for too long. I think I've forgiven but my thoughts give it away and I have to purposefully forgive again. I'm especially hard on myself.

Allow yourself some grace in all of this. It's difficult enough just to get up in the morning but, dealing with the issues you've had to lately, it becomes nearly impossible to function as you might have before this horrible withdrawal.

I think you're doing a great job of coping the way you are.

Praying for a good report on your throat and that you find the answers to move forward.

Dalalea

[Littlegrandma]

JC 

dont be so hard on yourself. You can’t choose your family. This is not a person you would want to be around if she wasn’t related to you. It’s sad. But it’s really your mother’s problem. Don’t let it be yours. 

 

Ive recently had to cut ties with a toxic family member whom I love as a son. I helped raise my nephew and his brother when their mother walked out on them and my brother when both kids were under the age of 2. Now, he is a self destructive, needy, alcoholic man child that is bi-polar schizophrenic when on drugs and alcohol. He is one of the biggest sources of stress in my life. He lived with me a short while til a few weeks ago when I kicked him out due to his drinking, stealing, lying, and deceit. 

Its one of the hardest things I’ve had to do, as he has no other place to go. He’s worn out his welcome with everyone who has tried to help him. My family doesn’t even mention his name around me as it is one of my biggest stressors and the reason I started into a spiral of anxiety 3 yrs ago. 

 

As hard as it is, you have to put this relationship behind you. At least for the time being.  Take care of yourself. And please don’t feel guilt. You’ve done nothing wrong. 

 

 

Hugs Lg

[Junglechicken]

HI friends,

 

News is, I have fungal/yeast traces showing up in my small intestine which would explain my lower abdominal (??) gut issues BUT I don't have SIBO!

 

Will respond to PB, Lg and Dalalea properly but tomorrow - thank you guys so much for your support.

 

None of what I'm going through seems real....I had been putting my mother's behaviour down to dementia, but I guess that just exacerbates the NPD traits even more 

 

Love and hugs,

JC xx

[Junglechicken]

Legs have started feeling weak, even when I'm in bed??  

 

Most recently, when I walk down the stairs, they feel,weak and yet i can walk 12k with no problems.

 

Is this Asthesia, for want of a better word for it??

[Scorpio]

Hi jc

im sorry to read you are having these rotten symptoms but I don’t know what name you would give this latest symptom apart from miserable. On a good point at least they have found what’s causing your gerd problem. 

 

‘’It’s probably all still connected to stress, grief and reducing dose. Be kind to yourself. If only it would stop raining and we could get out into some blue skies we might both feel better. 

[Junglechicken]

39 minutes ago, Scorpio said:

Hi jc

im sorry to read you are having these rotten symptoms but I don’t know what name you would give this latest symptom apart from miserable. On a good point at least they have found what’s causing your gerd problem. 

 

‘’It’s probably all still connected to stress, grief and reducing dose. Be kind to yourself. If only it would stop raining and we could get out into some blue skies we might both feel better. 

 

Hey Scorpio,

 

The leg weakness comes and goes......very odd.  Maybe it's linked to anxiety?  

 

The GERD issue is more than likely stress-related, as it started after my father died, then became worse after "divorcing" my mother.  

 

Im bracing myself for an endoscopy.

 

Any let-up with your viruses?

[Scorpio]

Hi jc

anxiety has a lot to answer for!  It rules my life at the moment and since last Saturday have been going through an awful time with it along with many other horrible symptoms. Viruses have gone for the moment but now the w/d has increased. 

 

Good luck with the endoscopy,  do you know when. 

[Junglechicken]

I don't have an endoscopy referral yet, but am assuming I will get referred at my follow-up GP appointment if I haven't reduced the oesphagal inflammation in time 

 

Am working on it.....

 

Great that the viruses have gone, not great that they have been replaced by WD.

 

My ND keeps telling me to work on myself (inner work), by repeating positive self-affirmations.......I'm terrible at it Scorpio, but over time it should bring a more positive outlook on life.  

 

Whether WD symptoms would reduce as a result of being positive, I'm not sure??

[Junglechicken]

On the GERD note, I'm downing the ACV to try and reduce the acidity levels in my body.

 

Please everyone keep your fingers crossed that this does the trick, and I can make a recovery from the inflammation in my oesphagus.

 

From what I have read, stress (loss of my father and effectively my mother too) has played a major factor in triggering the GERD......I have never had it this bad before.

[Littlegrandma]

🤞🏻

Stress definitely plays a major role, JC

do you smoke? My brother suffered from gerd/ acid reflux for years. It pretty much went away when he quit smoking- but comes back in times of high stress. 

[Junglechicken]

1 minute ago, Littlegrandma said:

🤞🏻

Stress definitely plays a major role, JC

do you smoke? My brother suffered from gerd/ acid reflux for years. It pretty much went away when he quit smoking- but comes back in times of high stress. 

 

I quit smoking years ago Lg.

 

Just worried about damage, and its VERY painful 

[Littlegrandma]

I understand it’s very painful. The first time it hit my brother, he went to the ER. He thought he was having a heart attack.  

 

Its cooincidental that it hit you at the most stressful time of your life. You definitely need to get to the bottom of it. Finding out it’s caused by stress will alleviate your stress. Catch 22. 

 

This  whole process stinks. Life is so difficult right now. Some days I wish I was 5 yrs old. Carefree without a worry in the world. 

[Junglechicken]

1 minute ago, Littlegrandma said:

I understand it’s very painful. The first time it hit my brother, he went to the ER. He thought he was having a heart attack.  

 

Its cooincidental that it hit you at the most stressful time of your life. You definitely need to get to the bottom of it. Finding out it’s caused by stress will alleviate your stress. Catch 22. 

 

This  whole process stinks. Life is so difficult right now. Some days I wish I was 5 yrs old. Carefree without a worry in the world. 

 

Lg, the pain is in my throat, not chest.

 

Agree need to get to bottom of it.....it definitely started out as typical GERD pain in the throat/lump in throat sensation, and became much worse after the weekend (at my mother's), so I think the reflux damage had been done, and the oesophagus is very raw/blistered?? whatever acid does.

 

I'm with you on wishing we were young and carefree again......have wished that for a LONG time now.

 

 

[Littlegrandma]

I’m sorry JC

another thing I wish for is a good dr in the family. Someone to call just to alleviate our worries. Someone free. We owe thousands from last years dr/hospital visits. I need to see a doc now, but hate to rack up anymore bills. The money would be better spent on a stress free vacation. 

I hope you can get to the bottom of it soon. You sure don’t need any more worries. Sending prayers up for you.   Hugs lg

[Junglechicken]

34 minutes ago, Littlegrandma said:

I’m sorry JC

another thing I wish for is a good dr in the family. Someone to call just to alleviate our worries. Someone free. We owe thousands from last years dr/hospital visits. I need to see a doc now, but hate to rack up anymore bills. The money would be better spent on a stress free vacation. 

I hope you can get to the bottom of it soon. You sure don’t need any more worries. Sending prayers up for you.   Hugs lg

 

Thanks Lg,

 

I think its Oesphagitis - inflammation of the (you guessed it)....oesophagus.

 

At least, I'm praying that is what it is, and not something fatal.

 

Sending prayers your way as well.

 

Hugs,

JC

[Flowers]

Hi JC

 

I am so sorry you are still suffering so much with the GERD.  I am sure all your stresses of the past few weeks have got something to do  with this.

 

I hope you soon get the reassurance you need  that it is nothing serious.  

 

Lots of love from Flowers xxx

[Junglechicken]

4 minutes ago, Flowers said:

Hi JC

 

I am so sorry you are still suffering so much with the GERD.  I am sure all your stresses of the past few weeks have got something to do  with this.

 

I hope you soon get the reassurance you need  that it is nothing serious.  

 

Lots of love from Flowers xxx

 

Hi Flowers,

 

I hope to God it isn't something serious.

 

It had eased up, and then after the weekend it became worse (despite the PPI meds).

 

Bereavement/stress is known to cause GERD and I think this one step further ..... Inflammation.

 

Lots of love JC xxx

[Flowers]

Hi JC

 

I am not a Dr but think it is down to all the pain you have endured lately.

 

Try not to worry too much.

 

Hugs

 

Flowers xxx

[Junglechicken]

8 minutes ago, Flowers said:

Hi JC

 

I am not a Dr but think it is down to all the pain you have endured lately.

 

Try not to worry too much.

 

Hugs

 

Flowers xxx

 

Flowers, I'm trying not to worry but not succeeding.

 

Thank you for your support.

 

Hugs,

JC xxx

[Flowers]

I know it's hard not to worry when you have health anxiety which makes everything a million times worse.

 

Just a thought.  (You would need to talk to your ND as I am not sure whether this would benefit you in any way but maybe worth thinking about. )

 

I have been taking a liquid natural extract obtained from the aloe vera plant. It is supposed to be of great benefit in soothing or calming inflammation. As you know I have been suffering with inflammation in my bladder  and it may be coincidence but I have been better.  I can see from the instructions that a lot of people take this for digestion problems too.

 

Of course you may have tried this already and I am not sure how this would affect the gastric juices etc. 

 

Love from Flowers xxx

[Junglechicken]

A friend of ours drank aloe juice for gut issues Flowers.  

 

Ill talk all to my ND....another suggestion was Slippery elm which soothes the gut.

 

Thank you Flowers, that's really helpful.  I'm glad you're getting some relief from the aloe.

 

Nature has a way of healing better than most meds I think.

 

Love JC

xxx

[Flowers]

If you talk to your ND it's the gel I have which is from the inner leaf of the plant, not the juice from the leaves.  

 

Whatever happens, I hope you get some relief soon.

 

Hugs

 

Flowers xxx

[Junglechicken]

1 hour ago, Flowers said:

If you talk to your ND it's the gel I have which is from the inner leaf of the plant, not the juice from the leaves.  

 

Whatever happens, I hope you get some relief soon.

 

Hugs

 

Flowers xxx

 

Thanks Flowers xxx

[Scorpio]

Hi jc

how is the pain today. I have everything crossed that it’s a bit easier for you. Meanwhile keep trying those positive thoughts- I find that hard to do too but then even breathing is hard when in a bad wave or pain. 

[apace41]

JC,

 

I've debated with myself whether or not to post this but after cogitating for an extended period I decided you would know this is coming from a place of care and concern and you would take it the right way.  For the longest time, I have watched you do exactly what I have done which is to spend a ton of time and money chasing the remedies and cures of integrative, functional and naturopathic doctors.  Like me, your lists of herbs have lists of herbs.  Are we improving our lot by doing this?  Possibly at the margins.  Are we, however, delaying and denying our reality, i.e., that we are suffering largely the effects of withdrawal?  Yes, absolutely.  Are we also keeping ourselves tied up in a system that leads us to wonder, "what else is really wrong with me?"  I believe the answer to that is yes as well.  And for so long as we follow that path we refuse to do the most fundamental thing necessary for recovery from both withdrawal and anxiety which is to accept that is what is taking place.

 

I know you have GERD symptoms and a whole host of other symptoms, but there has been nothing that anyone has found that is really "wrong" with you.  I'm the same way.  A lot that "feels" really wrong but nothing that can be found by tests, scan, appointments or otherwise.  In other words, the brain and body have been damaged (albeit temporarily) by the drugs and the withdrawal from the drugs, and to look for another source of the problem most likely serves only to complicate matters and keep uncertainty an overly important element of the equation.  

 

You have never really wanted to accept the notion that your cuts, while infrequent, have been extremely large.  It is not a surprise that they have caused symptoms.  Acknowledging that this is at the core of what is going on would, in my view, go a long way toward helping you come to terms and accept this process.  You have been under a ton of stress and the anxiety that goes along with all of that, combined with the reduction in medication, are certainly sufficient to account for everything you are feeling.  As I see on another thread you have been dizzy since the last cut, that is further evidence that it is the meds that are largely responsible for destabilizing your CNS and the search for another cause is really just an expensive distraction.

 

Again, I hope you don't take this the wrong way as I have been in the same boat for a long time.  I am getting more and more tired of rowing, however, and I would respectfully suggest you think about putting your oars away as well.

 

Best,

 

Andy

Edited March 31, 2018 by apace41

[Junglechicken]

THANK YOU Andy 

 

There is NO way that I could take someone here on SA showing care and concern the "wrong way".

 

I really appreciate everything you have said in your message, and I'm struggling to come to terms with LOTS of things, not just my symptoms.

 

I'm tired of rowing as well..............my biggest problem is that I'm a fighter by nature, and my instinct is to have to overcome the threat.

 

This instinct just doesn't work in my current situation, and is likely making it all much worse.

 

My therapist keeps asking me a similar question to you "why can't you accept that its just {INSERT CIRCUMSTANCE} causing {INSERT SYMPTOM} rather than trying to fight it?".

 

I'm my own worst enemy and struggle to just "let go" rather than try and protect myself from more harm.

 

When you find the answer to the best way to "let go", please let me know!

 

Best,

JC

 

 

[apace41]

7 minutes ago, Junglechicken said:

When you find the answer to the best way to "let go", please let me know!

 

You've already done all the "hard work" to set the stage for letting go.  In my mind you get there by educating yourself as completely as you can about what is going on and what the logical, scientific alternatives might be. Once you have run them all to the ground and you are at a point where there is nothing that a group of trusted advisors can tell you about your condition that you don't already know, and there is nothing they can diagnose and treat that will address your situation in a "holistic" sense, you simply come to the determination that you are better off accepting and moving through the situation managing your symptoms and being kind to yourself, rather than continuing to tilt at the windmills.

 

You are an extremely thoughtful and logical person, JC, and I know that you know where things stand.  The stresses in your life have exacerbated your symptoms because they have strained your CNS but deep down where it really matters you know what is going on and that self-compassion and time are the two key elements of your healing journey.  Taking a step back from your mother is a huge positive from where I sit because that level of toxicity can only be harmful for someone in your situation.

 

Best,

 

Andy

[Junglechicken]

AliG has told me similar Andy, but for years I have lacked the ability to trust that I can "nurse" myself through all this.

 

I constantly seek re-assurance from GPs and alternative health practitioners telling me what I know deep-down (as you have just said) that its WD/Stress triggered symptoms.

 

Its like hoping a fairy godmother will come along, wave a magic wand, and make everything ok again - I think hence going to alternative health practitioners.

 

As I keep being told by my ND, I have to do the "inner work", and regain that self-belief, which got stripped away completely over the years by toxic people in my life.

 

I have a mountain to climb in terms of "inner work", to re-build my "sense of self" - WHO AM I REALLY?  I have no idea at the moment.   

 

Don't know what I want to do, etc, etc.,

 

I guess I don't really have the energy to start that "who am I" project just yet........

 

Best,

JC

 

 

 

 

 

 

[apace41]

2 hours ago, Junglechicken said:

AliG has told me similar Andy, but for years I have lacked the ability to trust that I can "nurse" myself through all this.

 

I'm not surprised.  AliG is very wise.

 

2 hours ago, Junglechicken said:

I constantly seek re-assurance from GPs and alternative health practitioners telling me what I know deep-down (as you have just said) that its WD/Stress triggered symptoms.

 

That's just a characteristic of health anxiety.  You can break that when you aren't under so much stress in your life.

 

2 hours ago, Junglechicken said:

As I keep being told by my ND, I have to do the "inner work", and regain that self-belief, which got stripped away completely over the years by toxic people in my life.

 

She's giving you good advice, but it takes time and it's really hard when you are in withdrawal and have so much going on.  My suggestion would be to take baby steps and just start by trying not to beat yourself up so much and start appreciating yourself a little more.  It's easier to have self-belief when you honestly like the person you are.

 

2 hours ago, Junglechicken said:

I guess I don't really have the energy to start that "who am I" project just yet........

 

If you build it up to be this "huge project" you will create an environment where you are afraid to move forward at all.  If instead you treat "starting" as simply being kinder to yourself and removing toxicity where you can, you will find that doesn't take nearly as much energy as you are contemplating.

 

Best,

 

Andy

 

[brassmonkey]

"Who I am" never happens in a flash of insight.  It is the sum total of your likes and beliefs balanced against your life experience. It is an ongoing project, not a huge undertaking. It's as simple as taking note of the the things that happen to you throughout the day and deciding if you approve or not and at some point what you'd change to make things better. "Did I enjoy those cornflakes for breakfast or would have I preferred Wheatabix."

 

It's not lying on a couch, reciting your life story and trying to decide how to make yourself a "good person". Decisions from the past will pop up and need to be dealt with, but the past is past it is the now that we are concerned with.  I've mentioned on other threads about stopping and finding the little bits of beauty in the world around you and focusing on them.  The same is true for the self.  Be on the lookout for the little bits of the beautiful you that pop up during the day.  There will be quite a lot of them. The smile you give a stranger, petting a dog, getting the shopping done, all the little flashes of "feeling good about something" need to be noted and acknowledged.  It's a variation on the theme of AAF that we talk about except in this case it would be AAC, Acknowledge, Accept, be Content.

 

Funny, Andy's post came in as I was writing this and we are writing the same thing is almost the same language.  Great minds same gutter.  Finding "Who I Am" is a life long journey and like any walk in the park it's made of a lot of individual steps.

 

((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))

 

Brass