☼ Maybe

[Maybe]

Well, you are all of course right. Ruminating and regretting serves no purpose, but it is really hard to let go, especially when one does not feel too good. When i have better days, i do not think about my wd too much as I am glad to enjoy the day.

 

Thank you very much for your reassurance, Claudius! I am happy to hear that your getting better and better. Four years is a long time and it is great that you will be able to resume a normal life in the near future

 

And yes, the chance is high that we will all heal from this some day and live a normal life, whatever that really is.

The incident with the car is terrible. I do not know if I could live on if that had happened to me.

[Maybe]

Bad evening yesterday with lots of symptoms out of the blue. If one just would know what is causing those "events". Not too good today as well. Headaches, weird body feeling, horrendous dry skin....how I hate it...

 

Btw, did anyone hear from Puna? Haven't read from her for a month or more now and I cannot write her a pm. Hope she is doing fine after her time out!

[Altostrata]

I just heard from Pun. She's going through a bad patch, staying offline for now.

[Maybe]

Ah, ok. Thank you, Alto. Hope she is going to feel better very soon!

[Maybe]

Close to 28 months and nothing has changed. I cannot stand this §$%&$%/%&$(&/$/(&/$ crap anymore. I ate red cabbage and duck yesterday and felt awful, still not good today. Some weeks prior to that I ate it as well and everything was "fine".

 

I read more and more about people who have symptoms years out, I am losing hope. I am not going to live such a damaged life. But I will let the doctor pay for what he has done to me, I swear by God. He will pay dearly!!!!!!

[Maybe]

Sorry, sorry.....I was in such a rage when I wrote that....I just cooled down a bit.

 

I am peaceful person and never did harm to anyone, but the hate is so immense when I feel bad, I could explode just to vent my anger.

 

Those ups and downs make me nuts. The past two weeks were ok and then bang, you are right back into feeling crap. I have no idea how to cope with this for much longer...

[Altostrata]

Maybe, how can you say nothing has changed when you had a window of a couple of weeks??!!!

 

You really need to look at that glass as half-full.

 

Yes, the ups and downs are extremely frustrating. Learning meditative breathing can help you cope with the frustration, and make you more resilient to disappointment.

 

I don't blame you for wanting to correct your doctors!

[Maybe]

Hello Alto,

 

it was no window. It has been like this for 17 months now. Up and down all the way. No real progress, no real improvements, just up and down. Not one single day without any symptoms in the past maybe 10 months.

 

When I am ok, I am maybe at 75%. But I have to watch out what I do, just a little bit of stress and I feel as bad as ever. And it has been like this all the time since doing the acupuncture...

 

I wish there were windows that show me that my body is healing, but there is nothing.

[Altostrata]

Maybe, at least there are ups!!!!!!

[Maybe]

I hate to always be so pessimistic, but I can only compare my situation with the situation before I took the meds. I had ups and downs ever since I took them. So the wave and window pattern started right away and has not changed since. On average I am much worse than before the acupuncture sessions. Maybe that is just a coincidence, but it isn't too reassuring regarding complete healing when things get worse instead of better...

[Maybe]

Hello all,

 

I could use some advice.

Whenever I come into a quarrel with other people, even if it isn't too harsh, my nervous system changes into fight or flight mode. After a while I start to shiver and cannot think clearly anymore. This is unbelievable bad in job situations, especially because I am leading a team and have to win through sometimes.

 

I had this problem even before taking the meds, certainly due to a lot of stress for a longer time, I don't know. But in wd it is of course worse and I get an increase in symptoms some hours after such a situation happened. Mostly when going to be...as always.

 

What can I do? Can one use CBT for things like that? It is not possible to calm down in those situations, as my cns reacts in an instance. As I usually go into flight mode, this has a bad impact on my self-esteem...

[Altostrata]

You're on the right track, Maybe. CBT may very well help in those situations. Other therapies, such as biofeedback, might help, too.

 

People who meditate say they are less reactive under stress also.

[Maybe]

Hello all,

 

as of today I am 2,5 years away from my reaction to four pills of Lexapro.

 

The last 2 to 4 months have been quite ok on the average, but I still did not turn the corner.

 

Most days are more than endurable as long as I do not make any grave mistakes like doing to much or the wrong kind of sport, eg weight lifting. If I do, I will feel terrible for around 2 days and then it slowly gets better again.

 

One of my worst symptoms has lifted though. The motion sensitivity has become much better and is only unnvering and not terrible anymore. Very glad to be able to drive my car again without major sensitvity events.

 

Major remaining symptoms are (besides several minor one):

 

- still having a weird bodily (?) feeling

- headaches and head pressure have increased since last November in occurence, not in intensity

- burning and dryness of the skin, comes in waves and stays for 1 to 2 weeks

- when it is cold, some of my fingers sometimes "freeze", they got white and totally numb, I have to heat them to get my feelings back, this is a very weird symptom

- pains and weird feelings around my throat/neck, also comes and goes in waves

- RLS, also in waves, stays for 1 to 2 bad weeks and then lifts again

- increased cold sensitivity

- tinnitus is still bad

- Dizziness and off-balance still there, not nice, but not terrible either

- Gastro problems are much, much lesser now! I even start to gain weight again, slowly but steadily, hope it stays that way

 

I hope for much more healing in the coming months...

 

Thank you all for your great support!!!

 

Best regards

Maybe

[Altostrata]

Hurray, Maybe!

 

Did you find anything in particular helped the gastro?

[Maybe]

Hmm, nothing in particular. I changed my diet quite a bit when I got the results from my gastro-tests. I do not eat anything with yeast, milk and gluten and try to eat more healthy than I did before. More vegetables, more fruits, less meat and as healthy/fresh as possible. No indstrial sugar (barely eat any sugar at all), no salt with fluorid and so on.

 

Maybe this helped, but could be a coincidence

[Claudius]

Good to read you at least experience some improvements Maybe! I think it is time that is responsible for that, more than food or supplements.

Unbelievable that the adverse reaction after only a few pills can be nearly as bad as going cold turkey after years of use. I feel better too, though still in a wave I feel the healing and am pretty sure that we will finally get over this. All the best, Claudius.

[Altostrata]

It's been a long and painful road for both of you, Claudius and Maybe. I'm so happy to hear news of improvement from you both.

[Maybe]

Thank you very much, you too

And yes, I guess you are right Claudius, time is the biggest factor here. Glad to hear you are doing better again as well. I hope your full recovery is only a few steps away!

 

Nevertheless, I am always hesitant to speak of improvements as I am afraid that the next big wave is lurking round the corner.

 

Wish I could do normal exercises again though, *sigh*

[Maybe]

Oh god, had a really bad night again yesterday. Worst night since months.

 

I wonder why?

On Friday I went out and had a lot of social anxiety half the evening, on Saturday I ate 5 or 6 Jelly Bellys and did not feel to well after heading to bed that evening. But yesterday was really, really bad. I slept maybe 3 or 5 hours due to shivering, headaches (back of my head), strong dizziness and my whole body feeling terrible.

 

Can 5 Jelly Bellys result in such an "event" or was it the stress from Friday (could be the normal delay I often experienced)?

 

I sometimes think that I am only feeling quite good, because I usually don't make any mistakes. At least my weight is still on the raise. I hope the gain is natural and I that won't end up on the other "side" of the ladder

 

It's "funny", but I more and more get the thoughts that I am the only one who is maybe really damaged and has developed unique symptoms (like the terrible body feeling). I know it probably is not true...but somehow it is getting harder to fight those thoughts the longer my journey goes...

[Claudius]

Sorry to read this MAybe, because I thought you we doing a bit better now. I can hardly imagine that those jelly bellies are responsible for that, never took them by myself but they look harmless to me.

I do not believe that you are the only one really damaged... we are all damaged but one needs more time to heal than another. And in that sense we are in the same boat. And just like you, the longer the journey takes, the more desperate we look forward to recovery. I have to cope with a gap in my CV of 4 years now which gets bigger and more difficult to explain by each month I am not healed enough to work.

We surely are among the worst cases and just need to retain hope and count the better days.

[Maybe]

In some areas I do better, motion sensitivity is still much better and my stomach as well. But the "rest" is still bad enough to withhold me from living a normal life. I miss doing sports so much and am already getting other healths problems because of my inactivity (back pain etc).

 

But I guess you are right...5 or 6 Jelly Belly making me feel that bad would be weird...so it must have been the Friday. Quite funny, having some fun outside and then getting punished for it, great.

 

Isn't it possible for you to at least explain possible employers that you were damaged by medication? I sometimes tell others without going into the details. Devastating reactions to remedies aren't solely a "property" of SSRIs, so maybe you come up with another explanation? At least in Germany they cannot check if it is true or not.

 

As always, Claudius, I wish that this hell is over for you soon and that you finally can work again!

[Claudius]

Maybe I hope we wil both finally turn the corner and start a new life!

Yes I am in contact with some potential employers and head-hunters, they still show some interest in me and even appear to take my story serious, which I mostly describe as poisoning by having gotten the wrong medication due to misdiagnosis by my GP. And in fact, this is not far from the truth.

But of course they want to hear a time course for recovery and that is impossible to give. With one employer I had contact about 2 year ago and I gave the estimation that I would have been recovered within a year or so. She wrote me a few times to inform about my health but each time I had to say I was not ready for it yet...

Now I try to keep the initiative at myself because people just lose interest if they contact you over and over again only to hear you are "still sick". My plan is to put my current home Web development projects on my CV and excaggerate their magnitide just a little bit... But in fact recovery is my first prio, finding a job is the next point on the agenda...

Still a way to go without any indication about the time frame, I am now almost at 4.5 years so probably really one of the very worst cases

[Maybe]

Well, you have chosen a future-proof occupational area, that should help you a lot to get a new job!

 

I wonder if 4.5 years are really "worse case". Maybe that time frame is quite common? Maybe there are a lot who do not feel recovered that far out, but just stop posting?

[solida]

Hello Claudius,Maybe

 

I m also 4,5 years out after my bad reaction and went through a severe withdrawal.I m still suffering from bad symptoms,setbacks and autonomic dysfunction and I also still can t work.

There are quite a few cases where healing take much more time than the average.

 

solida

[Claudius]

Thanks Solida for chiming in and your story seems shicking to me and your adverse reaction was at exactly the same time as my final c/t, so we are walking completely parallel in terms of time!

So it appears that the severity of the adverse reaction after starting or quitting is not always related to time of use! Very weird...

[solida]

Hey Claudius,

 

Yes it is very sad.I will never forget the day when hell opened 6 weeks after I stopped Paxil.

 

But I have to say I had two really bad setbacks where I was back on square one:

When I tried St.Johns Word for 5 weeks two years ago,and a severe flu last summer.

Both took me about 6 months to get out of the mist again.

 

lg solida

[Claudius]

Unbelievable, my adverse reaction always started exactly 6 weeks after quitting c/t. I thought such a long "incubation period" was very rare...

[Maybe]

Hey all,

 

just wanted to give a life sign. I am 5 days from filling my 32nd month.

Unfortunately nothing new or positive to report. Well, on the average the past months were quite fine, but I am back in a wave since Saturday and why? Because I walked 20 minutes around the block. It is really devastating that I cannot do any sports to help my system heal. Quite the opposite, it makes me feel much worse (especially in the evenings!)

 

I am again losing hope. Is recovery really possible? Or are we all just hanging on to some unreal hope fooling ourselves? I just don't know anymore....

 

 

Edit: How I hate those negative postings......

[Claudius]

I am sorry to read this MAybe, I was thinking about you only recently. I can tell you that I had one hell of a wave juwst before the 3 years point (mid 2010) and then entered a plateau phase for the next years or so. But only recently I experience new changes which I feel as new healing, not at 4.5 years I am not out of the woods but things are still rearranging inside and I think we must retain hope. Some people do not feel any major improvement before 4 years out. SO I hop e you can find the strength to hang on.

[Maybe]

Hey Claudius,

 

Thanks for your message!

There is no other way than to hang in and I will do that. I think I am a bit better than last year as one major symptom has decreased a lot. What is bringing me down is that I still cannot do any sports and still can feel awful when I do something wrong. I just wish for some kind of stability, some kind of base I can work from and do not feel terrible whenever I make small mistakes like walking for too long.

 

I feel ok enough to live on, it just is in no way a satisfying life.

 

But I am glad that you are seeing more and more improvements and then I always think of Charly who has recovered completely even if it took such a long time.

[Claudius]

I am again losing hope. Is recovery really possible? Or are we all just hanging on to some unreal hope fooling ourselves? I just don't know anymore....

 

I have been thinking this so many times and still do sometimes. I I would not have experienced any recovery I would certainly have given up all hope now after 4.5 years. But after all those time, there is still healing. And looking back, my first symptom to vanish was the extreme diarrea which was my companion for about 20 months and then pretty suddenly vanished. All those 20 months I did not experience any progression despite several thepies and supplements.

So if the timeline is that it takes 20 months to make even one step toward healing, I do not think it is strange that you are not healed in twice or even triple this tims (3 years resp. 4.5 years). But it shows that we are healing and I do not think we are just fooling ourselves. I feel in fact pretty close to healed and what bothers me most now is my past and the difficulty to embark in an new carreer after 4 years home.

[Maybe]

Ah Claudius, you are so right!

It is just so hard sometimes, when one feels down again or the focus on wd is too strong. Especially now when the summer is coming and I would like to do sports, play soccer, go out with friends and I just can't. And then I remember what most people wrote when I first posted on pp and the German forum: "You just took 4 pills, be glad, you will be over it very soon!" And now I am approaching the 3rd year without having reached a stable point.

 

But hell, one can't change it. That's life. Some a fortunate, others are not. What stays is hope.

[Maybe]

Well, two more months till I hit the 3 year mark.

 

Nothing really new to report, still going up and down. But fact is, I seldom feel as aweful as I did last year and some of my symptoms have become better or even vanished. So I am hoping that something like a stable breakthrough will happen in the coming months.

 

I could even watch the soccer games of the German team during the European championship. While I was very nervous and afraid that the excitement would be too much for my nervous system I did not feel too bad afterwards! So that was very nice and enjoyable.

 

Biggest problem is still that I cannot do sports. But well, most days are alright, so I guess I should be more positive

 

Much more healing to all of us!

[Altostrata]

Now that's improvement. Good for you, Maybe yes!

[Claudius]

Thumbs up Maybe! Good to read you are doing a bit better and I know we will finally heal from this. Although I am still not completely recovered from the soccer match Netherlands - Germany...

[Maybe]

Thanks you two

Still unbelievable what those tiny pills can do to the human body...

 

Look at it the positive way, Claudius. Heading home after the group phase always leads to major changes in the team, which mostly result in long needed "optimizations". And to be honest, I think Spain is still unbeatable nowadays. As sad as it is <g>.