☼ Maybe

[Maybe]

Dear Maybe,

 

I wish that I had gone off the pills when I was younger. You see time slipping through your fingers, and I understand that - I am in a very similar panic. But I am 41. I'm female, and it is too late for me to have children. As I look for a new job, I am discouraged to find that the jobs I think I can do are probably jobs I could have done right after college. I feel a huge sense of loss, and a crushing depression and complete lack of energy and curiosity that is nothing like what I felt before the meds.

 

I have had people tell me that I'm still young, and that I still have time.

 

And then I see where you are and wish I'd had your head start. Just to pick a number, if it takes you 5 more years of healing until you feel recovered, you will be 37 - still well ahead of me, at least, and many others in this group.

 

I have friends who were married young and then divorced. One friend lost his wife in an accident. Even when you think you have what you'd planned for in life, you can have the rug pulled out from under you and have to start all over. If you had a physical injury or a stroke, it would take you some time to recover and rehabilitate. Even if you see yourself as a loser - which discredits so much of what you have learned - you are only in that spot temporarily. It's perhaps a fine point of language, but I would argue that though you may feel like a loser these days, that doesn't define you.

 

I wish I knew how to help. I completely understand you frustration. But I think dwelling on it holds you back. If we have new, drug-free neurons slowly developing, we need to encourage them and nurture them like vulnerable children. Be kind to them.

 

On a side note, how is your sleep? I often wonder if my brain is so crippled just because it doesn't get enough stimulation or sleep.

 

Hello Ajay,

 

Thank you for your supportive words.

I know that under normal circumstance, many years are still ahead of me. It is just that in ones 20s and early 30s a lot of switches are set. I always wanted to have a family and kids. I want to play with my kids, do sports ect when I am still young and able to. This is so far away now...not only getting kids, but having a girlfriend is even more difficult with the situation I am and we all are in.

Every human needs an area where he draws his energy from. Family, friends, job. But all those areas are a construction site right now. I just do not see the light. Of course I am not the only one. Many beings on this earth have a or had an aweful life. I just ask myself for what should I go on if all my dreams are nill and void?

 

I have missed many opportunities when I was younger, because I am a very cautious and shy person. I will never be able to experience them, because now I am too old. This kills me inside...there were so many things I wanted to start working on and then I got hit with a legal drug, rendering all impossible.

 

I am sorry to leave all my frustration on this board, where everyone has to bear the same or even harder circumstances.

 

Life is never perfect, there will always be stones in our way. It is just so hard to stay positive right now.

 

Thank you very much ajay for your support! I hope that you can leave wd behind you in the near future and that you will get back on track. Of course everyone has to decide that on his/her own, but I know of women who had children when they were in their late 40s and the children grew up healthy and happy.

[Maybe]

Hello Maybe;

 

I am new here, but I certainly understand the frustration of wanting to get on with life and do the things I dream of. I am 55 years old. I went back to school in 08 and finished my bachelors degree. In 09 I moved out of state, separating from my husband and finished getting my MSW.

 

I was jazzed. I was going to come back, divorce and move to the east coast and have a great career and maybe a private practice. At 52 I still felt that I could take life by storm.

 

I came back and my mom had Alzheimers and died months later. My husband(we both had changed our outlook on life) and I decided we would not get "back" together, but start a new relationship and it has been wonderful. I put out tons of resumes, only got 2 interviews and was told that they don't hire people my age right now (wtf?) I let my grey hair grow out since I had "time". I thought I would wean off meds since I had "time". Thought it'd take a few weeks or a month...work on my health, exercise...

 

In May it will be 2 years since getting my degree. I found a bad volunteer position, but have to call in sometimes if the weaning symptoms are bad. I am sad and really tried to rush the weaning. I am good at what I do, but can find no where to be. A good friend has breast cancer. She got her degree (MSW) a year after me. We have lunch and talk about what we thought we'd be doing right now - not this!! Strange, we share so many of the same symptoms - hers from cancer and mine from withdrawl.

 

I believe I am on a path in this life. I don't get to choose it, not in the big picture. My husband, who wanted to be a house husband is now working out in the field again in construction. I feel frantic to heal and go to work. I worry that he will be injured or get sick from the stress of a 70+ hours a week job. He used to own a company, now he works for a bad one.

 

I am sorry that this took so many words, but my worth? your worth? We are priceless and cannot be any less no matter if we fill all the prescribed roles that society wants us to ..or we have another path in life. My life is not over and I will still plan, dream, etc. Right now though this is my reality and i have to embrace that. I have to get up each day and be the best I can be at - being me.

 

The "happy" beautiful people is a bill of good that media and marketing has sold us. I know this for a fact. I have met too many of them. I had them come into the state mental hospital where I interned. Don't compare your reality to a fantasy that is crazy-making at best.

 

Well, I hope you read this. You are worth living for because of who you are not what you do. I hope you can find some peace in your circumstances. It is there waiting if you look for it.

 

 

Hello Crocus,

 

And also to you a big thanks for your supporitve words!

 

I guess my frustration is so high right now, because I never had one of my dreams fulfilled before, but see so many happy people in my vicinity and circle of friends. Close to all have what I dreamt of. A partner, some now have babies, a fulfilling and a positive demanding job and so on. If I at least could look back and say, yes that was great, this gives me the energy to keep going or a aim in the future. But I just feel lost like cork on the water.

 

Where does one pull it's worth from? I mean one's self-worth? Some have self worth, because they look good, some because they are very intelligent or because they excell in something. I yet have to find that something.

Even if I cannot do many things, because of wd, I constantly have the feeling that I am wasting my precious time. I constantly have the feeling that there must be more, but I miss it. Do you know what I mean?

 

I guess that I have to start a therapy soon, I seem not to be able to pull myself out of this hole.

 

As I said to ajay as well, I really appreciate giving me support when you are having trouble with wd yourself! I hope that we all will get through this and live a drug free and happy life more than everything else.

[Maybe]

Maybe, you need to stop torturing yourself. Which is more important, your well-being now or a dream for the future?

 

Resigning oneself, or surrendering, or letting go, is not an expression of failure. In fact, it's key to Buddhist thought.

 

There was a time that I was very frightened about my shortened horizons. My life was only day to day. I couldn't make any plans. I know how this feels. I have a lot of disappointments, too.

 

As Ajay and Crocus say, when you have recovered, you can make new plans and accomplish them. In addition, if you learn to take care of yourself in your current state, you will be stronger and more confident in your new self. You will find new ways to express yourself.

 

This is how growth works, when you learn to deal with the Now.

 

You are right, Alto and I try to think this way. But this is so very difficult. I have never been a positive person and am frustrated very quickly. I am more and more considering professional help as my shoulders seem to be too small to carry this burden right now.

 

If I had not been such a sensible person, I wouldn't have had those mental problems and the funny thing is, I guess my cns would have been more stable to resist the effects of the drug. But that's genetics...

[Roads]

If you weren't so sensitive, you wouldn't be the wonderful person you are. It is so sad that it what makes you precious that is indirectly responsible for your suffering. I am sorry. I hope this will soon end.

[Roads]

By the way (I should have read more of the former messages ), Happiness is not having a partner, having a fulfilling job, having babies and so on... Easiness is not happiness, even if wish you an easy life. But believe me, if ever the people you see around you are really happy (and I doubt that), this is not because of their job, babies, or partner. Possessions (and yes, having a baby, or having a partner, comes down to a possession: most of the people don't love, they own (as I surely do), something that pleases them. It is self satisfaction, and this is the opposite of true happiness). You can't be happy if you don't let go your own self (and I don't talk about repression or restraint: the common things).

When I observe people around me, I see people cluttered by fears, dysfunctionalities, wounds, conidtioning, self-centeredness, fleeing themselves, and who depend on the benevolence of circumstances to drift on their blind self-centered routine. I see slaves, blinds, and dependents. I don't see happiness. This scares the hell out of me (and I must be one of them too)

 

I think you are not wasting your time. I think you are having a precious opportunity to experience true happiness. You have it harder than most of the other people, but that's because you'll have it greater.

[ajay]

 

Every human needs an area where he draws his energy from. Family, friends, job. But all those areas are a construction site right now. I just do not see the light. Of course I am not the only one. Many beings on this earth have a or had an aweful life. I just ask myself for what should I go on if all my dreams are nill and void?

 

I have missed many opportunities when I was younger, because I am a very cautious and shy person. I will never be able to experience them, because now I am too old. This kills me inside...there were so many things I wanted to start working on and then I got hit with a legal drug, rendering all impossible.

 

I am sorry to leave all my frustration on this board, where everyone has to bear the same or even harder circumstances.

 

 

 

I think it's encouraging to think of the "construction site" metaphor. Construction sites are loud and messy and seem chaotic, but in time the new work emerges and the debris is cleared away.

 

Please don't apologize for venting on this board. I think that's part of the point! I know that's often why I'm here; I figure this is the best place for it.

 

You feel how you feel. In our own ways, we are trying to encourage each other and send light where there is darkness. So I guess the risk of venting here is that people will try to support you and/or cheer you up. That doesn't mean your thoughts and fears aren't valid. But sometimes ideas that appear to be contradictory can all be true.

 

Here's hoping for light and healing!

[angie007]

Maybe my friend,

 

Aww buddy, you will never be worthless or hopeless my friend, and you WILL have your life back. Life is for living buddy, and YOU deserve to be happy more than most!!!

 

Dont wait to be completely recovered hun,recovery comes when you least expect it to, so in the meantime go find that girl of your dreams, make plans for the future, dwell on what you DO have in your life, as opposed to what you DO NOT have.

Try and find something nice in your life that you appreciate, your parents, your family , your job, a hobby, whatever it may be, be grateful that you have it,

and DO NOT let this experience cloud your future.

 

Yes its crap, yes its hell, but buddy, the longer you hang on to this crap, the more its pulling you further down, you, DO NOT deserve to go through this, none of us do,

but for some un GODLY reason we are, and we have, its DONE, LET IT GO, and relax in the knowledge that there is further healing to come.

 

Do not get bogged down by the past, the past is gone, nothing we can do to change that, now its the present and the future that matters,and that is something we can do something about it!!!! all we can do, is learn from this, that life is precious and short,

GO LIVE YOUR LIFE my friend, the best way you see fit, get all those things you want in your life, a wife, a family, a home, they are all out there waiting for you - promise!!!!

 

And remember, WE here all care for each other, and love nothing more to hear others are doing really well, you WILL get there too!!!!! xx

[Altostrata]

We're all under construction!

 

Maybe, your self-worth is in you, not in these external accomplishments, as Roads says.

 

This is the one gift, if you can call it that, of our condition. Everything else is stripped away. We have to find our worth and confidence in our inner selves.

 

You are right, your belief you have no worth other than exterior accomplishment is probably why you despaired in the first place, and turned to a pharmaceutical solution. Perhaps some counseling will help you expand this realization and embrace who you are.

[Maybe]

@Roads, Alto:

To be honest, I do not think that one can find happiness and worth in oneself. We are all connected to our environment, where we are being socialised and where we gain our experiences. Thus our worth is the result of what we are and do in our society. We are gregarious animals.

At least self-worth does not emerge only from within, it is the sum of many factors, intern and extern.

 

@Ajay:

You are right as there barely is anyone outside this board who understands what we are going through...

 

@Angie:

I do what I can do, but it is not so easy if you are feeling aweful when you overdo it.

And I just have not figured out 100% what is too much and what not.

Furthermore it is very hard to stay positive when you are more than 2 years out without any really improvement. Quite the opposite.

Yesterday I was walking very slow for one hour in the morning and ate sweet chestnut with honey in the afternoon. In the evening I did feel not too good and when I lay down to sleep, it became one of the worst nights since months. There were no specific symptoms, I just felt terrible sick, as if my body was going to shut down any moment.

I again did something wrong. Feeling so sick and awkward I cannot believe that the body heals, but I guess that even more damage was done.

[Altostrata]

Yesterday I mentioned to my therapist, the wise and caring MJ, that some people on the site were having difficulty seeing worth in themselves beyond their accomplishments.

 

She threw her hands up and said she many of her clients come to her with the exact same problem.

 

This is psychotherapy's bread and butter.

 

So, Maybe, you have some work to do....

[Maybe]

Yes, i definitely need a therapist concerning those problems. But I first have to feel better and leave wd behind me. It consumes too much energy.

[Shanti]

I was having a lot of trouble about self-worth. It was the first and harshest withdrawal symptom I had. It helped me a lot to do affirmations. I have always had a belief that we are doing things for a purpose that we aren't consciously aware of. I just don't believe there is anything in this world that doesn't have a unique purpose, including my life. I think that being spiritual helps me with this, as I sense there is another dimension to everything. We see everything in 3 dimensions, but I believe there is a 4th, 5th, 6th and 7th. When you get into spirituality, (not religion), you open your mind to new ideas. This opening up in itself expands your consciousness. When you keep seeking for the truth, you will find it. But you have to believe there is MORE and that you will be shown. It really works. There is More to everything. So much I see, I see More. And I capitalize More because it's Divine. Really.

 

In all chaos there is a cosmos, in all disorder a secret order. - Carl Jung

 

Truly, when you believe that quote, you will start to see a 4th Dimension. Why is the 4th Dimension reality important? Because you see how much more valuable every little thing is! This is nearly impossible to explain. It's something that has to be experienced. Your experience is for a reason, and on one of those dimensions, it's shown. But on the 3rd dimension, it's not apparent. This is the appearance of chaos, the lie. The Truth is the secret order that is hidden behind the seaming chaos. Believe.

[Maybe]

Hey Shanti,

 

Well, my life has taught me that there is no spirit, soul or God. A pure materialistic view until now could always explain everything that goes on on this planet and in the universe.

 

Matter over mind, knowledge over religion/spirituality. Those are the lessons I have learned.

[Altostrata]

Maybe, your self-hating is impeding your recovery. If I were you, I'd work on it now and not wait to be fully recovered.

[Claudius]

Maybe, I understand your frustration and confusion. Just like you I am not religious and never found even the slightest evidence for the existence of a God or other higher power. I read the books of Richard Dawkins and they really make sense. And therefore it is difficult to see our suffering as a sporitual experience which will give us som good in the end.

Nevertheless I learned some wisdom from spiritual sources, the books of Tolle do not base themselves on a higher power but teach to accept whatever there is. And though that will be a good advoce many times, when you are in the AD "catch 22" or in the mids of w/d, is is hardly possible to accept. People who are still on the crap do not benefit from "Accepting what is Now" but just need to do the right thing (tapering carefully) or otherwise they will be in HELL for a long time as I was. And therefore I do understand you so well.

I make it my mission to base the rest of my life to spiritual principles, regardless whether there does exist a God or not (in fact I am pretty sure that humanity created all Gods and not vice versa). And it is hard, I still feel unlucky and know that I was and am a good person from inside but could not handle so many rejections from women and employers... but there os no other choice than to embrace what you have, improve what you can and give the healing process the time it needs.

[Shanti]

Oh. I can understand that. Best of wishes to you

[Maybe]

Nothing more to add to that, Claudius

I see it the same way. Though of course it would be great if there were more than "just" the material life, I have not made any experience which taught me a different point of view.

 

@Alto:

Well, you may be right. I will try to find a therpist next week, when I have holidays. Could take some time though.

 

@Shanti:

I did not want to insult you, it is just what I have experienced so far

Thank you very much for the well wishes!

[Altostrata]

You don't have to believe in a god to learn principles of self-care -- in my opinion, they're existential, and that includes being present in the now.

 

It's our modern life that's molded us into attitudes that can be self-injuring, such as unrealistic expectations of oneself based on a myth of material success and reinforced by mass media. One needn't be religious to break this habit of thinking to facilitate healing.

[Shanti]

It's totally okay Maybe. I don't feel offended. I realize that we're all on our own path and it's all well and good. Idk why I had an idea that you were spiritual for some reason lol. I respect others life philosophy.

[Maybe]

@Alto:

True, the only thing you need, at least in my eyes, is content or the aim to become happy/content. But as we gone through that again. I will need some professional help to get back on track.

 

@Shanti:

Well, I am always open to others' belief and ideas of life. And I am much more open to the philosophy and concept of whatever spiritualism than religion. Religion is a red rag for me (at least institutionalized religion). So I guess my answer sounded a bit too narrow minded

[Barbarannamated]

Maybe,

Your statement below hit me. I have been trying to get 'back on track' for several years after losing my career due to an injury and accompanying depression. For years,I looked only toward my previous, familiar and accomplished track to get back on.

I've realized that I must jump tracks, so to speak, and open my eyes and mind to things I am not even aware exist (makes a job search tough!).

I'm not saying that this is necessary for you also, but I see the tremendous value in being open to, and even embracing change, something I have not handled well (avoided!) thru my life.

@Alto:

I will need some professional help to get back on track.

 

[Crocus]

Ditto to what Barbara has said.

 

I have had to realize I now have a "new normal" and in fact, it is pretty fluid and changing at that. I can only speak for myself but I have to own who I am at this time and care for me "as is".

 

I think my decisions to keep trying different meds have all been about that "get over it" and get "back" attitude that has cost me a lot of time in struggling with what .... is. Crocus

[Maybe]

Sorry for answering that late. I did not look into "my" thread for a week or so.

 

I know what you two mean, though I meant healthwise. This instable nervous system is just keeping me from living a normal life. I don't even want to think about the future. No plans, nothing. It just makes no sense with all those symtpoms on and off. I just have no energy for anything else but getting through the days.

 

I am in the 27th month now and albeit I had some nice days last week when I was on a 7 day holiday at my parents' bad ones followed right away. I slowly come to realize that this could go on for years to come as nothing changed in the past 17 months....well, besides some symptoms.

[Maybe]

Hya all,

 

i have a question concerning the gastro system.

It seems that the pills have done a lot of harm to my GI system and therefore I wonder if I should let check it thoroughly (colonoscopy and more)? Maybe my system is not able to digest certain foods properly anymore and so I do not get the nutrients I need to heal?

 

My last blood works were all fine, still I wonder why I am not getting any better. Has anyone had a colonscopy while in wd?

[Shanti]

Hi Maybe. Yes, I'd have it checked. Last year I ended up with emergency surgery for an abscess on my colon. I'd never had trouble with this stuff before. This was soon after I started taking Cymbalta. I looked up the side effects of Cymbalta, and one of them was Diverticulitis, which is what I now have. Now I can't eat a lot of foods because of it. I had another flare up with cysts just last month and ended up in the hospital. Fortunately I didn't have to have surgery this time. I blame the Cymbalta. Diverticulitis is usually caused by a bad diet and I've always had good eating habits and was health conscious.

[Shanti]

Oh, and I wanted to tell you that I've decided not to look at my future either, it only causes stress and worry. I have to accept that I'm in rehab right now and just go a day at a time.

[Maybe]

The question I ask is, my GI problems are kinda...weird...getting off-balance feelings and other feelings like being pulled to the ground, which definitely come from my GI system. So I doubt that they can see anything that might be causing that?

 

I only took 4 pills. It would be weird if I had gotten something like diverticulitis from them, wouldn't it?

And I am really afraid of the whole procedure as one certainly has to take an anastheticum or some other kind of medicine. Guess I will ask my GP what can be done to check GI system without causing any havoc.

 

Do you get "normal" GI symptoms when you eat the wrong things or also such weird ones?

[jake]

Concerning getting back on track ( Barb And Maybe ). I believe each person has their own individual 'track'. With the way depression has changed my life I dont want to get back to any of what I was. I want to find what I can be today. Even if it is just a small improvement over yesterday.No professional knows my'track', but only what they perceive as the 'NORMAL' way to do things. There are things I used to do that I want to do again but mostly I want to grow to be able to help myself. I will take the things I liked to do with me and learn new things. Even just learning about myself from reading in this blog. Only I can choose to help myself. Even if that choice is to see a dr. you made a choice that is often so difficult to make. In todays touchless society it is good that wee can touch each other with the things we say. That does make a difference.

[Shanti]

The question I ask is, my GI problems are kinda...weird...getting off-balance feelings and other feelings like being pulled to the ground, which definitely come from my GI system. So I doubt that they can see anything that might be causing that?

 

I only took 4 pills. It would be weird if I had gotten something like diverticulitis from them, wouldn't it?

And I am really afraid of the whole procedure as one certainly has to take an anastheticum or some other kind of medicine. Guess I will ask my GP what can be done to check GI system without causing any havoc.

 

Do you get "normal" GI symptoms when you eat the wrong things or also such weird ones?

 

A sinking feeling in your gut? I get that, it's anxiety. I don't know if that's what you mean. I can't eat things like nuts, seeds and beans because of the way it digests. I never had a colonoscopy, if that's the right word. I had CAT scans only.

[Maybe]

@Jake:

 

You are absolutely right. I also do not want to be the same person I was before the meds. I wasn't very content and happy with my life. So no, thanks. What I mean with getting back on track is my physical health, not my mental state (if one can even seperate those two, maybe at least a bit). Physically I was in my prime, so to say. I was healthy to the bone, trained and fit. And now I am just a shadow of that old self.

When I say back on track, I mean to be fit and trained again. To be healthy bodywise.

 

@Shanti:

Well, it feels as if you have some heavy stones in your stomach when you walk around, pulling you to the ground. Problem is, I have absolutely no fear or anxiety anymore.

What happens, when you eat nuts for example?

[Altostrata]

alexejice has been dealing with gastro issues. He might be able to answer your questions, Maybe.

 

(Maybe, perhaps you could put that rant about the 4 pills in your signature -- then you wouldn't have to repeat it in your posts?)

[Shanti]

@Jake:

 

You are absolutely right. I also do not want to be the same person I was before the meds. I wasn't very content and happy with my life. So no, thanks. What I mean with getting back on track is my physical health, not my mental state (if one can even seperate those two, maybe at least a bit). Physically I was in my prime, so to say. I was healthy to the bone, trained and fit. And now I am just a shadow of that old self.

When I say back on track, I mean to be fit and trained again. To be healthy bodywise.

 

@Shanti:

Well, it feels as if you have some heavy stones in your stomach when you walk around, pulling you to the ground. Problem is, I have absolutely no fear or anxiety anymore.

What happens, when you eat nuts for example?

 

The nuts and skins of beans don't completely digest and they get stuck in little pockets called diverticula in the colon. They get infected and cause cysts. This is called Diverticular Disease. It's usually felt as sharp pains in the lower left part of the abdomen.

[Maybe]

Ah, yes, I could ask Alexejice about it.

 

But I have it written in my signature. Is it not clear enough?

 

 

@Shanti:

Ah, sorry, Shanti. Of course. I did not think about the diverticulis, my father had that as well. I thought about wd symptoms that you might get after eating nuts. My concentration lies in ruins...

[Altostrata]

I mean the remorse about the 4 pills. Perhaps if you put it in your signature, you wouldn't have to repeat it.

[Phil]

Hi Maybe, hope you don't mind me chiming in. I think Alto has a point.

In a way perhaps the remorse over the 4 pills could keep holding you back the more often you think about it?

I know that with myself for example, I often get angry and upset that I was stupid enough to go on Lexapro, and for a long time it really affected me. It still upsets me but I no longer think about it as often.

 

I'm not saying that you're doing this, but it's a possibility. I also believe that in w/d it is harder to "get over" things like this that upset and bother us, so the only real way is to focus entirely on other things until we no longer think about it.

 

and albeit I had some nice days last week when I was on a 7 day holiday at my parents'

This is great Perhaps you can do it more often? It might be good for your nervous system, hence why you had some nice days.

[Claudius]

Hi Maybe, I feel the same as Alto and Phil. And that while I was always the one unable to cope with not knowing and starting PAxil and quitting it cold turkey. But indeed ruminating about our mistakes makes no avail, and indeed the ruminating is also part of the withdrawal itself.

I believe that healing is possible. I am now at more than 4 years and the progression from last months is great. I am able to study and work on an almost daily base. There are some nasty original issues about rejection but they only apply to me personally and have no relationship with the drugs. SO I finally believe that healing occurs for anybody, even for me so the for you.

 

And about regretting, some terrible event occured last week in my city. A mother of 40 years old parked her car with her 2 little children from 2 and 3 years old next to a canal, when she got out to free her children from their babysits, the car started rolling, straight into the canal and both children drowned to their death. Sha had no chance of rescuing them and the tramua helicopter came too late.

One can only imagine on what mental state the parents are, especially the mother who will forever blame herself... for us there is still a good chance of recovery, event if it takes 4-6 years.

Moral of the story: many of us are still in bad condition, but we will never have to blame ourselves because the doc were ignorant. And we always have the chance to heal, even after many years.