powerback: tapering no 2

[Altostrata]

On 5/8/2019 at 12:04 PM, Altostrata said:

I'm confused, too. Are you taking 1mg diazepam once a day? (Please put date instead of "present" in your signature.)

 

How's your sleep? Has that changed in the last 5 days? Any other symptom changes?

 

Hi, powerback, please put more detail. about the diazepam in your signature.

 

The above post refers to your symptom notes from last week. Please look at them. On the average, do you feel any differently now?

 

On 5/11/2019 at 4:10 AM, powerback said:

....

 

 Mostly feeling very off ,very self-conscious of my toxic moods .constant cold feet ,driving me nuts.

My breathing seems to be gone bad the last few months ,I notice I'm holding my breathe and consciously need to think to breathe properly .

 

Ive been reading up on being addicted to negative feelings and emotions , because im an addict this seems very true .like my system is addicted to the adrenaline rush in my body.I was reading the  thread for safe movies to watch and a lot is resonating with me .I will watch movies that I shouldn't be.

Even years ago before withdrawl ,I would watch the videos on youtube of stunts gone wrong or DIY accidents and I would be zoned out feeling these feelings in my chest and my  system of anxiety .im only coming to terms with this because of reading other members amazing knowledge of there own body's.

Im realising I'm in quite a mess .I actually think these parts of my system mite be permanently switched on before withdrawal .

Thanks.   

 

 

 

1) You need to practice your deep, slow meditative breathing. "Practice" means you remind yourself to do it. Even if you manage to do it for 30 seconds at a time and get distracted, you're still practicing. Nobody ever does it perfectly, that's why it's called "practice."

 

2) You have some habits of mind that are self-harming. My guess is you do a lot of self-blaming. You also need to practice self-forgiving. Whether you're a good person or a bad person, forgive yourself. This will relieve some of your anxiety.

 

1 hour ago, powerback said:

1200-1300:food prep ,by end of the hour I could barley stand or open my eyes with the fatigue.

 

Do you usually feel an increase in fatigue after you take 8 beads Effexor?

 

[powerback]

18 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

Hi, powerback, please put more detail. about the diazepam in your signature.

 

OK 

19 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

On the average, do you feel any differently now?

The weather finally turned good this week but my racing intrusive thoughts are still very strong .

Albeit the last hour I'm feeling ok listing to music after dinner .

22 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

2) You have some habits of mind that are self-harming. My guess is you do a lot of self-blaming. You also need to practice self-forgiving. Whether you're a good person or a bad person, forgive yourself. This will relieve some of your anxiety.

Very true indeed,its hard to get a handle on it because of withdrawl exacerbates the negative  .valid points Alto.

Ive read about carl Jung's work on having an unconscious  death wish [there's something in this since I was young maybe,it certainly explains my chaotic lifestyle until I gave up Alcohol]   

24 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

Do you usually feel an increase in fatigue after you take 8 beads Effexor?

 

Maybe I could move it further towards afternoon or evening  away from the Prozac and see what's what .

Thanks Alto ,bless you soul .

[Altostrata]

Bless you back, pb. No, you don' have an unconscious death wish, you have a tendency towards melodrama!

 

If you developed a habit of mind, you can develop another -- such as forgiving yourself when thoughts of self-blame arise. It's like learning anything else, you do it over and over until it's a habit instead of a task.

[powerback]

14 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

Bless you back, pb. No, you don' have an unconscious death wish, you have a tendency towards melodrama!

 

If you developed a habit of mind, you can develop another -- such as forgiving yourself when thoughts of self-blame arise. It's like learning anything else, you do it over and over until it's a habit instead of a task.

🙏👍

Thanks Alto.

[thecowisback]

how are you? you've been quiet ☺

[intothewoods]

I'm wondering how you are too, PB. 

 

Last night, I read your post to @JB1234about how we have to change our expectations during ADWD, and how things really can get worse if we push too much..... You say it brilliantly, with prose pulled from the heart. It is helping me make adjustments - - thank you @powerback

 

I post here your words for all:

 

Electricity to the brain = big stressor .

The gym=stressor

working =stressor

withdrawl=huge stressor

The fact you react to noise like this means your body is screaming at you to stop ,the noise sets you off but its your nervous system under stress.

When we are suffering mentally ,we will naturally use exercise to help this.

think of your nervous system like a battery and itsbeing drained from an accumulation of stressors.you will have to cut the gym back by at least 50% for a fewmonths and see if this helps[it should],go for nice walks with your family.

 

In withdrawl our wants and desires are like before but our bodys cant keep up with it.my desire to keep up with everyone else+my own ego left me bedridden for weeks .I did 2 days building work ,to be honest I should never of done it ,I forced myself ,madness .

Before withdrawl I frequently did 6 days a week.

 

The fact you can work is brilliant ,don't imagine it cant get worse because it can ,trust me .if you keep up this intensity in the gym,your body will snap.

when I did them 2 days work my biceps felt great but it drained me,its a strange feeling to have my biceps feel great but at the same time my sythem was under huge stress.

The suicidal thought/intrusive are a ramp up of your anxiety .

Take Care. 

 

[powerback]

On ‎5‎/‎20‎/‎2019 at 8:24 AM, thecowisback said:

how are you? you've been quiet ☺

 

23 hours ago, intothewoods said:

I'm wondering how you are too, PB. 

Hello Ladies ,thanks for checking in .I'm exhausted at the moment ,im keeping my distance for a while to see if my mind clears up a bit .

IM always routing for my friends on here  but for a while ile have to check out for a while .

Talk soon and always be well .

🙏.

 

[thecowisback]

good to hear from you 😊 hope you're feeling better soon!!

[intothewoods]

I totally understand, PB. Please take care of yourself. 🙏

[powerback]

@Altostrata

Hi Alto ,im ready to drop the 1mg diazepam ,my guess is its having a negative affect ,im very groggy and sluggish in the mornings trying to wake,its hard to  figure out if its the cause of my depression .im on 1mg since the 24/04/19.will I keep going or drop the dose by half? . 

Cheers.

[Carmie]

Hi Powerback, 

 

Thinking of you and sending hugs🤗

[powerback]

As usual carmie being so kind thinking of others .

Thanks I hope your well.🙏

[Altostrata]

On 5/24/2019 at 7:48 AM, powerback said:

@Altostrata

Hi Alto ,im ready to drop the 1mg diazepam ,my guess is its having a negative affect ,im very groggy and sluggish in the mornings trying to wake,its hard to  figure out if its the cause of my depression .im on 1mg since the 24/04/19.will I keep going or drop the dose by half? . 

Cheers.

 

I would try 0.5mg diazepam for a while. How are the other daytime symptoms?

 

Have you been rollering your back?

[powerback]

8 hours ago, Altostrata said:

 

I would try 0.5mg diazepam for a while. How are the other daytime symptoms?

 

Have you been rollering your back?

Ok thanks alto.

I have constant suicide ideation and strong depression lately.

Im exhausted ,im needing to sleep during the day .

Ye tension in my shoulders and neck is severe lately.too tired to get out for a massage and I must get a foam roller.

Take care.

[thecowisback]

😢😢

[direstraits]

6 hours ago, powerback said:

Ok thanks alto.

I have constant suicide ideation and strong depression lately.

Im exhausted ,im needing to sleep during the day .

Ye tension in my shoulders and neck is severe lately.too tired to get out for a massage and I must get a foam roller.

Take care.

so sorry,pb...hope it turns around soon.

thinking of you.

love from ds 💙

[Altostrata]

What's your sleep schedule? When did you reduce diazepam? It will take a couple of weeks before the decrease fully registers. You should feel less of an effect as time goes on.

[powerback]

On ‎5‎/‎27‎/‎2019 at 12:12 AM, Altostrata said:

What's your sleep schedule?

around 2300/midnight to 0900 ,usually wake 3 times .before the last 4 months I was going to sleep around 2200 and up between 6 and 7 .im crushed this has changed .it must be because I cant exercise .I really want my previous routine back .

 

Im not sure what to make of the paralyzing anxiety and panic disorder I have ,I remember this feeling years ago but this is much worse ,I cant sustain this misery  ,so if its a "condition " coming back I mite just have to chance different meds.that clinical phycologist I seen in October had said Prozac ,so maybe I need to increase  this .

 

Im my own case the fact im way worse than this time last year is saying a lot .I believe in my own case the racing intrusive thoughts is beyond the non drug coping skills . 

I did a clear out the other day and found receipts for materials I bought for building work at home this time last year ,I wasn't great then but the way I am lately is very worrying ,ide try a hospital only im afraid ide react very badly to what ever meds they give me,I don't think them places listen to you ,if I was to say start me off with a small dose .  

Thanks Alto.  

 

[powerback]

On ‎5‎/‎26‎/‎2019 at 4:14 PM, direstraits said:

so sorry,pb...hope it turns around soon.

thinking of you.

love from ds 💙

Hi D your very kind ,thanks for your message ,I hope your well .take care.

[powerback]

On ‎5‎/‎26‎/‎2019 at 10:35 AM, thecowisback said:

😢😢

Thanks TCIB ,I hope your doing ok .

[trenace]

Hi, I just wanted to say thank you. Seeing someone else struggling and still able to give some hope is inspiring. I'm sure you have what it takes to get through this with your mindset. Good luck and really hope you improve. 

[powerback]

25 minutes ago, trenace said:

Hi, I just wanted to say thank you. Seeing someone else struggling and still able to give some hope is inspiring. I'm sure you have what it takes to get through this with your mindset. Good luck and really hope you improve. 

Thanks also ,I felt true empathy reading your post so you helped me also today in the aspect of not believeing the nasty thoughts my mind throws at me ,especially during a very bad few weeks.

I read you like to stay off the site, because its hard on you ,this is good for your healing but only us understand the pain so always reach out ,someone will always be watching and understandstanding when you need to reach out.

Thank you and take care.

 

[Altostrata]

pb, you're taking 0.5mg diazepam since yesterday? Has this caused any changes?

[powerback]

8 hours ago, Altostrata said:

pb, you're taking 0.5mg diazepam since yesterday? Has this caused any changes?

Well ide a strong headache lastnight?.

Its hard to pin it on the  diazepam reduction.

My system has no ability to deal with any stress and im house bound with strong anxiety.ive got external stressors and I over think everything ,witch exhausts me.

Cheers alto

[Altostrata]

Please practice your deep breathing and self-soothing through a stressful time.

 

It seems you are a highly sensitive person. This is not abnormal. Have you ever taken stress reduction classes? You might look at some on YouTube.

 

The more you practice, the better you'll get at it.

[powerback]

9 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

It seems you are a highly sensitive person

Yep im understanding it more  ,but how can I know my baseline until this withdrawal settles down .but my cognition and anxiety was never this bad .

Take care Alto thanks.

[DaveWales]

On 5/8/2019 at 3:14 PM, powerback said:

Most people in the uk and ireland will know only fools and horse's.

Rodney says in an episode ."knowing my luck ile be reincarnated and come back as myself".lol priceless.

 

I ment to qoute your reply TCIB.THe DSM will label me with naracistic tendencies quoting myself lol.

This time next year Rodney..... We'll be millionaires!

This whole situation is a cross between only fools and horses and a bad dad's army episode! 

 

I'm in the same situation as you pb, far worse then this time last year after dropping from 10 - 7.5 over 3 to 4 months. That was after a 2 month hold. I seriously underestimated this drop, and because it was going OK upto 10 I was lulled into a false sense of security. 

 

If you want to chat line we have in the past message me mate. 

 

Thinking of you pal. 

[powerback]

11 hours ago, DaveWales said:

This time next year Rodney..... We'll be millionaires!

This whole situation is a cross between only fools and horses and a bad dad's army episode! 

 

I'm in the same situation as you pb, far worse then this time last year after dropping from 10 - 7.5 over 3 to 4 months. That was after a 2 month hold. I seriously underestimated this drop, and because it was going OK upto 10 I was lulled into a false sense of security. 

 

If you want to chat line we have in the past message me mate. 

 

Thinking of you pal. 

Hi dave ,sorry to hear your worse than last year also ,its cruel .

Do the  best self care you can ,its dam tough.

Thanks dave and hope things settle down soon for you .

Take care.

[Altostrata]

powerback, please check in.

[powerback]

12 hours ago, Altostrata said:

powerback, please check in.

HI Alto.

nearly 2 weeks on  only 0.5mg diazepam .I'm not as groggy in the morning ,this is were improvements end.

 

 IM house bound with fatigue  ,strong depression ,anxiety ,muscle tension.

 I started with my foam roller this morning and I can barely muster the mental and physical energy to do it . 

Racing intrusive thoughts are now my normal functioning baseline ,they over power anything I'm doing .

 

Ive gone off my food ,cooking is a complete chore. Just peeling veg gives me tension and anxiety .

Im markedly worse than last year, I've never  been this sick in my life .

All drugs must be working against my system ,so damned if I taper or not .my immune system must be triggering inflammation constantly.

I will say I had some glimpses of ok moods lately but I'm clutching at straws massively at saying that .

 

Im not sure I believe in the typical withdrawal for myself anymore because of how bad I am .

I'm basically waiting out everyone else's patience  before its taken out of my hands.

My partner and people close to me have stood by my me when I was "ill" when  still doing things but this level of misery isn't fair on anyone .the living dead lying around 24 hours a day . 

its at least a 2 year waiting list to see a neurologist ,even if my DR will refer me but he has knocked back any of my suggestions.

 

 I met my mother 2 weeks ago to relay how handicapped I am in an effort to get someone to fight my corner[im burnt out]   but I think she has put up a block to how serious this is for  me ,I totally understand why .

To be honest I've exhausted all avenues of hope.

Ile just drudge on until everyone else has had enough and I leave my faith in the hands of the powers that be and with my back ground that will be the basement in a psychiatric sh*t hole .

Apologies for this pitiful response but I was ignorant from the start of this journey to put everything down to meds and ignore my past  .now every waking thought trashes me  with PTSD memories .thoughts automatically pin me to the ground without giving me a second to breath.

Ive recently heard the saying "mental movies " ,my brain is amazing at coming up with these movies in my mind about the world around me.

Take care Alto and thanks for checking in . 

   

 

[thecowisback]

😭i wish things would improve for you. no-one deserves this 😓

[wantrelief]

I have been thinking about you, PB.  I am so sorry you are going through all of this.  

[Altostrata]

Not as groggy is an improvement. Please post your daily drug schedule again. Thanks.

[Rosetta]

Me, too.  I'm so sorry you have to go through this. -Rosetta

[FarmGirlWorks]

The "mental movies" are bad, indeed. Sorry you're going thru this hell @powerback -- I wish the "good ones" didn't get such shite but life is screwy. We've got your back and hang in there. You are so strong.

[powerback]

23 hours ago, thecowisback said:

😭i wish things would improve for you. no-one deserves this 😓

 

23 hours ago, wantrelief said:

I have been thinking about you, PB.  I am so sorry you are going through all of this.  

 

12 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Me, too.  I'm so sorry you have to go through this. -Rosetta

 

10 hours ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

The "mental movies" are bad, indeed. Sorry you're going thru this hell @powerback -- I wish the "good ones" didn't get such shite but life is screwy. We've got your back and hang in there. You are so strong.

Ah Ladies im touched by your support  ,thank you .

See yous around again soon and always be well 🙏.