Nikki: hi, my rundown with ADs

[lexicon]

Hi Nikki,

Just to say thinking of you, and wishing for peace and serenity.

You are a sweetheart to all here,

who cares, supports and encourages, despite your own circumstances.

You are in thought, and prayer sweet Nikki..

Love, Lexi

[Nikki]

Wow that is a lovely way to begin the day ~ reading your post....

 

I love your avatar, can you tell me what painting it is?  I really like looking at it.

 

Mine is from an artist Nancy Noel.  She paints cherubs and this one look exactly like my daughter when she was that age.  Hair, eyes, round face, etc.  Incredible likeness.

 

I had heard from a friend who has been sober and in AA for over 45 years that the best way out of ourselves is to be of service to others.....

[Utahgal]

Hi Nikki

 

I was reading your post and just wanted to wish you well on your switch. I know first hand how hard it is switching meds and all the garbage that goes along with it. Hopefully it will get better with time. I am in the middle of tapering gabapentin and just added 2 more meds into the mix because of severe anxiety. (Doxepin and perphenazine). Although my anxiety is much better, I now feel exhausted, lack of motivation, and somewhat depressed. I just can't seem to win! I'm hoping it gets better with time. Take one day at a time and treat yourself kindly, like you would treat someone else in your shoes.

 

Feel better soon!

[Nikki]

Hi Utahgirl please take your advise for yourself.....be gentle and kind to yourself. You poor kid you were certainly given alot of meds.  Exhausted, lack of motivation and depression are all looped together and it will pass.  I think WD just exhausts the body and mind from anxiety.  Hope you feel better.

 

Barb....I thought poly drugging was just taking alot of meds....I guess you are right so many people have so many different types of meds in the mix.  Why don't doctors realize how dangerous this can be.

 

Petu reminded me that I am not poly drugging.  The game plan was to get off two meds and only take one.  I have 5mgs. left with Celexa and will be finished with it. Whew....

 

And then it will be time to taper off Imipramine.

 

My wave or nuttiness passed yesterday sometime.  Thank Heavens.  It was from a drop.  I become so enmeshed in how bad I feel that I can't see a way out when it happens.  And then finally the spell breaks and some peace and clarity arrive.

 

In my gut I do think the Nefazadone has a soothing quality (although you would never know it from how badly I was bellyaching).

I believe the drop was the culprit...usually is

 

Thanks to all of you who walked me thru it.

 

Still having trouble sleeping and alot of the lousiness is from sleep deprivation

[Nikki]

Hi guys....

 

Thank Heavens that awful waved passed.....my mind was like a little gerbil in his wheel going round and round.

 

I love when we feel better only to do it again.

 

I do know that life would be alot easier if I lived alone and were not carrying my daughter, her boyfriend and my mother.  It's a heavy load.  I just want to take care of "me" for a change.

[Utahgal]

Hi hon!

 

I feel for you. It's bad enough to suffer through this mess, let alone carry other people's baggage. Try to do something kind for yourself everyday, no matter how small. I'm thinking of you and sending healing thoughts!

[MaryKA]

nikky, I have not been on my med long, but long enough to have to take time to get off it, so i have only been able to offer emotional support, and only once in the last fortnight.

 

I am so glad you are over a hump and feeling more comfortable with yourself. Well done for riding it out.

 

I hope your drug situation improves again when you change again.

[Nikki]

Thank you ladies...

 

Well the good news is I am off Celexa.....I feel like marching down the street twirling a baton. I am not drug free.

 

I am in the process of crossing over.  Now that Celexa is out I will begin my taper from Imipramine.  And the goal is to just be on one AD.

 

Thank you all so much for being so kind through this.  You have all been so helpful.  It is so comforting to know that when the going gets rough, we can log onto this site.  And when things are easier it is a good feeling to comfort another.  We've been there, seen it, done it....So many mornings I have logged on and sounded like a lunatic from the WD/Life issues anxiety.

 

TGIF and tomorrow is Saturday my favorite day

[Meimeiquest]

Congratulations! A big hurdle! You don't sound like a lunatic....you sound like someone who would be a great friend.

[Petunia]

Congratulations on being Celexa free.  I hope you had a great Saturday

[Nikki]

Thank you all:)  Yep ~ Celexa free ~ hard to believe.

 

I don't want to mislead any newcomers, so I will say this:  I would not have been able to drop Celexa 5 mgs. at a clip if I were not tapering onto Nefazadone.  Then again on second thought maybe it could have or 10% reductions.  Celexa was not a bad drug for me to taper from.....nothing like Lexapro or Paxil (the worst).

 

For others Celexa is a nightmare.  I feel for you.

 

Right now I am 'chilln' LOL and will begin the Imipramine drops in a week or so.

 

I can sleep.  I don't have terrible anxiety in the morning, which is a blessing.  Today I awoke with it, got busy and stayed busy.  I did cry thinking about my Chihuahua.  He is very old and I know that time is approaching.  It tears me up.  But that is normal.

 

Keep your fingers crossed for the remainder of  this taper.  Love to all.

[Lexy]

I awoke with anxiety it too. Not sure if it was due to an exam at school but it continued after I was done.

I think it's the med compounding a normal stressor as in taking a test.

 

Congratulations on being Celexa free!????

[mtnbkr]

Yay! One goal accomplished and you're already looking towards the next step!  Congratulations!! 

[Nikki]

Exams are anxiety producing.  For everyone....don't let the cool, calm, collected students fool you

 

I would like to tell on myself.  I did something really, really dumb.  Don't know if it is me and my impatience or distorted thinking brought on by tapering.

 

Last night I made a tiny decrease in Imipramine.  Big mistake.  Mucho anxiety this morning.  That surreal feeling that comes with tapering, vivid dreams.  Just feel like a bag of jumbled nerves and above all lately I do not trust my thinking.  I feel that over-react in my mind to things.  I am running things by friends rather than making decisions on my own like an adult.

 

Not trusting my judgement.  Out of sorts.

 

So tonight it is back to the basics.......50 mgs. Nefazadone and 40mgs. Imipramine....NO DECREASING....I have these moments of INSANITY where I think I can handle it.  And I can't.

 

Is there anyone out there is SA Land that can talk about this with me.  Need some help today.

[Nikki]

 

Boy did I need to read this today....I subscribe to him on FB.  He went through bad times, years ago.

 

 

Les Brown

 

You've taken a hit. Life has knocked you down, but you are not knocked out. You have more going for you than you realize. Others might laugh and say you're through. But they don't know you like that. You have the ability to pull victory from the jaws of defeat! Now is the time for you to gather your wits; clear your head and mind; and dig down deep. Resolve to unleash your creative energy, unstoppable attitude and resourcefulness.

 

This is your time and your moment to prove to yourself and to everyone else who you really are. You have the power to change your circumstances; change your finances; love again; rebuild relationships; and create your own job or business. You have the power to open the doors of possibility and move your life forward. You have the power within you because you have something special. You have GREATNESS within you!

[mammaP]

 

Boy did I need to read this today....I subscribe to him on FB.  He went through bad times, years ago.

 

 

Les Brown

 

You've taken a hit. Life has knocked you down, but you are not knocked out. You have more going for you than you realize. Others might laugh and say you're through. But they don't know you like that. You have the ability to pull victory from the jaws of defeat! Now is the time for you to gather your wits; clear your head and mind; and dig down deep. Resolve to unleash your creative energy, unstoppable attitude and resourcefulness.This is your time and your moment to prove to yourself and to everyone else who you really are. You have the power to change your circumstances; change your finances; love again; rebuild relationships; and create your own job or business. You have the power to open the doors of possibility and move your life forward. You have the power within you because you have something special. You have GREATNESS within you!

 

Thanks for posting that Nikki, it's very upbuilding and just right for me too today! Well done with being off the celexa, a huge step forward. You can be forgiven for trying a cut of imiprimine,

it's so easy to make those decisions when you are on cloud 9, it's just a shame you had to come back down to earth! Hope everything settles again soon. 

[Nikki]

So I am forgiven??????  It was hard to tell the truth, but I made a Big Boo Boo.  I paid for it dearly today with the ssri flu and neuro-emotions....

[Meimeiquest]

We can't forgive you...you didn't wrong us! Glad you're recovering! We all make our own choices and live with our own consequences..and thankfully we can recover quite quickly from many of our mishaps.

[tezza]

Yay!!! I'm glad you made your way off Celexa! BIG VICTORY!

 

HUGS

[Nikki]

 

Les Brown

Let the excuses go...the ones that have kept you stuck in a past you can't change while looking toward a future you can't predict. Give up the training wheels...the invisible walls around your own mind that have kept you in the safe, secure, shallow and familiar waters of your life.

 

Life will take you over some bumps, potholes and cliffs. Don't let these clip your wings, scare you out of living, or shake your belief in the power of your own dream. No matter what your past has been, or where you find yourself right now...know that It's possible to laugh, love, and live again. Believe that you can make a difference ~ right here...right now..with your voice and your story! Remember, you have something special. You have GREATNESS within you!

 

When I read this I thought of me and everyone else here.  mtnbkr told me something yesterday which meant alot and that is that I/we are just visiting the dark/bad waves.

 

God, mornings are bad and it lasts for a long time.   I was just taking to my daughter and I told her I don't like the way I am thinking, feeling and my emotions are not in a good place.  I feel like my wings were clipped, lost the power or my dream and that the future bleak and I am stuck in my circumstances.  That is what WD does to me.

 

I am trying to use positive affirmations and prayer (serenity prayer) to pull myself out of this.

 

Here is the worst part and we all do this and have this......can't see a way out, afraid it won't change.  And then we remind each other that this too shall pass.

 

I come running to this site in the mornings, because I want to talk to someone because my own anxiety/life scare me so much.

 

Hugs

[tezza]

I'm sorry you're having a bad time, Nikki! It surely WILL pass! You are a strong lady and you can get through this, we are pulling for you.

 

(((BIG HUGS)))

[Nikki]

Hi Tezza.....love seeing that big red heart....How are you doing?

[tezza]

I'm doing pretty good other than arthritis and a virus that gets better for a day and comes back.

 

My avatar stands for 'a heart full of love'. I love all people and animals

[Nikki]

I could really use some help this morning....please I am n a bad space.

 

Yesterday evening my daughter who snaps right away with sarcasm and is verbally abusive like her father told me something she has been saying for the last (10) years.  "Shut the f up."  This is a regular occurrence which happens often.

 

Last night I cracked.  I went to my room and broke down.  It is like a torture of water dripping on my forehead.  Day in and day out for years.  Last night it was like if I hear 'shut the f up' one more time I am going to either go crazy, kill myself or pray that I die.

 

Nothing, nothing, I have ever said or other people have said have made her stop this.  I never slapped her. I was hit alot as a kid.

When a boyfriend hears this or a friend of hers hears this they say something.  She stops briefly and then it begins again.

 

If I don't get her out of here I am going to lose my mind.  She is verbally abusive much like her father.  It is a cycle of verbal abuse.  I am tired of 'understanding' it.  It contributes to anxiety and depression.

 

My chihuahua had a bad episode last night and I prepared myself to take him to the Emergency Vet Office.  He finally settled down.  I  think he may be beyond antibiotics, not sure.

 

I don't want to be in denial of it being time to put him down.  This is one of the worst and most painful experiences in life.  Been here before.

 

Not good this morning....can't stop crying.  If I hear the words 'shut the f up' one more time I am afraid I am going to have  complete mental breakdown.  Her boyfriend is disturbed by the way she speaks to me and said something to her last night.  Doesn't matter, it will happen again.  It happens in public too.

 

I hope to get through today with the dog and get him to the vet on Monday.  I love hm so much.  I have to pull it together and I can't stop crying.

 

Really need to talk.

[Barbarannamated]

I'm so sorry, Nikki. Nobody deserves to be talked to that way and it must hurt tremendously coming from someone you love and have done so much for.

 

I think you and I are both in situations that no amount of talking to others will change or help. We have to take action or accept the situation as-is. We can't force others to change.

 

I wish I had more comforting words for you.

 

{{HUGS}}

[Nikki]

Thanks Barb.....alot more happened today which is really bad stuff.

I now understand why people detach and have nothing to do with their children. 

 

I spoke to my daughter's boyfriend this morning.  I told him he is a very nice young man.  However due to my daughter's actions they need to leave asap.  I wrote a note to both of them but showed it to him first.

 

This morning one of the dogs was chewing on a straw which was clearly used for cocaine.  It was not theirs and I didn't think it was.  A friend of my daughter's was here on Friday night and she was trashed, my daughter was trying to convince her not to drive.  This girl does cocaine.  I don't want  this in my home while I am sleeping or at any other time.

 

I don't want this in my house.  Cursing at me for the last 11 years has finally gotten to me..  My daughter is cruel, sarcastic and downright mean.  I believe a great deal of my anxiety comes from her behavior.

 

She took drugs a number of times over the years and I asked her if she is taking drugs now due to her behavior.

 

Her response was to cancel my FB account and then call AT&T to suspend the service on my phone.  To me this is sadistic.

Her boyfriend got a good look at how vindictive she is and imo he may not stick around long.

 

Once again she went into her litany of how she hates me, hopes I die, and wants nothing to do with me.  She told me she would turn on the phone service if A) I never speak to her again    Let her leave when she is ready C) never ask her again if she is taking drugs.

 

This isn't normal behavior for a 25 year old woman. Hasn't been for years.  Intermittently there is normalcy, but not that often.

 

She has turned my life into an episode for the Jerry Springer show and I am totally embarrassed by it.  This causes toxic shame for me.

 

The Holidays are officially over before they started....

 

Thank you for letting me vent.  I am so embarrassed.  But if I don't talk about it I'll crack up.

[mammaP]

Nikki I feel for you so much, no-one should have to put up with that kind of behaviour.

We allow our nearest and dearest to do things we would not tolerate from anyone else

but there are times when it has to end. I think you've had enough, they are adults and 

need to stand on their own feet, if that is what they want in their house then they should

find their own house and not inflict it on you. It sounds to me like she knows she has gone

too far and is trying to get you to let her stay by making deals but it is YOUR home and you

are allowed to make the rules. 

 

I know you love your daughter but you deserve some peace, you are suffering enough. 

I hope you can find the strength to see it through, I know how hard this is for you. 

Hugs from mammaP

[Nikki]

She keeps telling me there is more to come.  She is acting crazy.  I may have to go to the police.  She keeps turning the phone service on and off.

 

And threatening by saying wait till you see what else I have  done while you were out.

 

I have to see about getting her out of the house.  I have been thinking about calling her father, but don't know if it is a good idea.

 

I must sound like a lunatic to all of you...Honest to God this has been going on since yesterday.  Worse today.

 

I do know that if I survive this until they leave, I will never have anything to do with her again. Wow so sad to have come to this.

 

I did look up the eviction process.  Very difficult and lengthy.  I am concerned that after yesterday and today her boyfriend will leave on his own without her.  If I were him I would.  Getting her out will prompt her to do something violent.  There have been a few times when she was violent.

 

Oh God please help.

[mammaP]

Do you have any support services where you are? Here we have domestic violence 

charities, and the police have domestic violence units. Even if she isn't violent now

the threat is there and the abuse is still classed as DV. They will help you with legal

stuff and restraining orders if need be. Also social work might help because you have

your mom to look after too. Don't worry about venting here, you are so good to us it's

the least we can do to  be here for you. 

[Nikki]

Thanks MamaP...you are a very caring lady.  Lots of caring people here.

 

Must take care of myself....got to get through this.  Hopefully it won't be long before they leave.  Unless I quickly sell the house forcing them out.  This is a very desirable neighborhood along the east coast of Florida.  There is no inventory of houses for sale in this development.  They sell like hotcakes.

 

It has been a thought of mine to downsize.  I won't have a problem selling.  I have been looking around at other neighborhoods and places.  I have spoken to my neighbor who was my realtor previously, about doing this.  Thank you God I do not have a mortgage.

 

A friend of mine told me that he downsized on purpose so his kids could not return.....Smart idea.

 

This has been a hellacious weekend.  And the torment is not over, yet.

[Meimeiquest]

Oh, Nikki, I am so sorry. Just wanted to let you know I am reading and caring.

[strawberry17]

I don't come here often now but I just wanted to let you know I read this, and I really feel for you . This is an enormously stressful situation for you to deal with. Downsizing sounds like a good idea. You do not sound like a lunatic at all, but sadly your daughter does.

[mtnbkr]

Dear Nikki:

 

I sent you a long e-mail re the issues with your daughter.  I'm very concerned about your safety.  It might be helpful to reach out to your local police's non-emergency call center and discuss with them what's going on with your daughter and your concerns about needing her to move out, including the fears about your safety.  

 

And re "eviction", does she have a lease?  Pay rent?  She may be an "at will" tenant or even merely a "guest" - either or which is easier to evict than a tenant with a lease. Most counties have a Pro Bono project for landlord tenant issues, and you might get some good guidance from them.   

 

Any chance her father would be on board with the plan of kicking her out?  Maybe the two of you could do an intervention and set up parameters for a safer transition to her next situation.

 

ALANON and CODA are also great resources for dealing with these types of issues.  IMHO.  They really helped me when I faced similar issues with my son.

 

Just brainstorming, and throwing out anything and everything that pops into my head.

 

I'm very worried about your safety and your mental health.  Please take care of yourself, and be careful with this situation.  And please keep us posted.

 

Hugs and prayers,

-mtnbkr.

[Petunia]

Hi Nikki,

I can't imagine how you are dealing with the incredible stress of this, on top of your withdrawal issues.  My first thought was that there might actually drugs involved with your daughter, but that's just a guess.  Please do what ever you need to do to take care of yourself and your Mom, no one should have to live in fear in their own home.

 

I hope this gets sorted out soon

((hugs))

 

Petu.

[Nikki]

I am in Al-Anon mtnbkr.  My ex is alcoholic.

 

She is not on drugs.  It was her friend who dropped the straw in my house.  Her boyfriend is such a nice guy.  She is angry because I asked her if she was on drugs.  I ask when she doesn't act right because she has abused drugs in the past.  This infuriates her to the nth degree.  She has a fear of homelessness when I tell them they have to leave, so she lashes out.

 

There are issues here with her.  Her behaviour is ugly and abusive.  Very abusive.  The cursing is bad.  Always was.  Her father is abusive. 

 

Alcoholism is a family disease.  It is insidious and is far reaching.  So is abuse.  It affected me and has affected her.  I can't live with anymore.  I feel like I would be better off dead at this point.  Don't mean to sound dramatic..Just can't live with stress anymore.  Yesterday was so stressful, and ugly.

 

I feel lke I got run over by a truck.  Today I am going to another phone service provider so we no longer are on the same plan.

 need to go to alot of Al-Anon meetings.  I  o have a wonderful support network of friends.  I am detaching and keeping my distance.

 

I had planned on speaking to my daughter on Sunday, and wrote a letter which I shared with her boyfriend.  She was sleeping.  I went to a meetng and while Iwas at the meeting she read the letter and turned off the phone service.  When I arrived home she said if I wanted the phone service turned back on I had to talk to her.  That set me off.

 

If you want to talk, talk.  Don't threaten me or play power play games.  Things escalated after that for the remainder of the day.

 

Her demands were not to kick them out.  They are leaving in a few months. NOt to ever speak to her again. She hates me and can't wait until I am alone and old so she can kick me into the curb....yes she said this. When she leaves I will never see her again.  She is tired of me asking her f she is on drugs.  (I am sorry after her stint with drugs and her fathe's alcoholism it is a sore spot with me).

 

She saw me post on FB private messages and changed my password because she was hurt that I  talked about her.

 

She s angry and she really lashes out in a not so normal way.  Vindictive.

 

PLease send some prayers this way,  I did pray for God to have them make a quick ans safe exit.  I am praying for my sanity and health at this point.  This feels really bad.  Bad depression.

 

Hugs

[mammaP]

Rooting for you Nikki, glad you have your al anon meetings and friends to support you.

 

I hope this can be resolved very soon and your home can be a place of rest and peace. x