Nikki: hi, my rundown with ADs

[Nikki]

Drive by Hugs.....love it.

 

Folks....been battling a sinus infection. Laryngitis. Coughing.

 

Last night and the night before I took antihistamines and Xanax. I have been terribly sleep deprived for several weeks.

 

I slept very deeply and boy did I need to do that.

 

Yesterday I made the decision to go to my Beach Al-Anon Meeting which I love so much. I get to see my close friends, hear some wonderful topics (yesterday was detachment and forgiveness) and then have Brunch at Toojay's.

 

My second decision for the day was to go home and lay down on the sofa for the afternoon.

It was beautiful out but I didn't have it in my to lay in the sun.

 

Guilt ~ about laying down, not doing paperwork, laundry, etc. was there and I had to coach myself thru it.

 

I am still tired. I guess the Xanax and antihistamines do that. Feel guilty about taking Xanax twice.

 

Want to lay down again today, don't know if it is the meds, being sick or dare I say: blocking out issues.

 

The only antibiotic I have is Cipro. I may have to take it. Hate it. He won't prescribe another.....WTH

 

Need a talking too

[strawberry17]

I'll give you a severe talking to, Nikki you've had a rough time just bloody lie down and rest and sleep woman

[compsports]

No, you don't need a talking to.

 

Sometimes, the need for sleep overrides everything else. And if that involves meds. so be it. Mental stability is number one priority.

 

CS

 

Drive by Hugs.....love it.

 

Folks....been battling a sinus infection. Laryngitis. Coughing.

 

Last night and the night before I took antihistamines and Xanax. I have been terribly sleep deprived for several weeks.

 

I slept very deeply and boy did I need to do that.

 

Yesterday I made the decision to go to my Beach Al-Anon Meeting which I love so much. I get to see my close friends, hear some wonderful topics (yesterday was detachment and forgiveness) and then have Brunch at Toojay's.

 

My second decision for the day was to go home and lay down on the sofa for the afternoon.

It was beautiful out but I didn't have it in my to lay in the sun.

 

Guilt ~ about laying down, not doing paperwork, laundry, etc. was there and I had to coach myself thru it.

 

I am still tired. I guess the Xanax and antihistamines do that. Feel guilty about taking Xanax twice.

 

Want to lay down again today, don't know if it is the meds, being sick or dare I say: blocking out issues.

 

The only antibiotic I have is Cipro. I may have to take it. Hate it. He won't prescribe another.....WTH

 

Need a talking too

 

[Nikki]

when you need a good talking too.....let me know

 

Thank you guys

 

I did take my mother for lunch today. Need and want to spend more time with her. She had a mini stroke and is well, but she said her handwriting is difficult.

 

She looked very nice and we had a good time. She was trying to teach/explain how to keep score in Tennis.

 

 

Today's Mantra:

 

Just for today everything is okay.

[flower]

Good grief young lady...Get a nap. I took an antihistamine and got sleep 2 nights ago,It sure was worth it. Now back to the chalk board.. Get well ladybug,,,I know how that Cipro is but like you said to me, "You will feel better when it's done" Thinking of you. flower

[Nikki]

Flower because of events from the past my inner voice says "sleeping is being lazy".

 

Somehow that was imprinted.

 

I an totally disgusted with myself right now. Maybe I should be disgusted with the doctor.

It's been two weeks and I am still battling this whatever it is sinus, cough, laryngitis thingy. I have alot of tiredness and I don't know if it is depression and running away or it is the medicines.

 

Cipro - antihistamines. I don't like the way I feel. I have an issue with allowing myself to be sick too. Another imprinting. Being self-employed plays into it as well. It scares me.

 

I have not budged at all with AD's and can't even think about that.

 

Hugs

[Barbarannamated]

Nikki,

 

Those damn inner voices are so strong, aren't they? I have a similar guilt voice. I've never been able to sit back and relax since not working. My mother, even though she had nothing she had to do for many years, got up every morning and then after coffee, said "well, I better get moving" as if she had someplace to be. Very similar to how I feel every day.

 

You work your a** off! Give yourself a break!

[Nikki]

So Barb, I am not alone Today I do not have any clients (summer in Florida)

 

I did work at TJMaxx yesterday for 6 hours and I was moving at a steady pace. Someone there needs coverage for the next two weeks so I signed up.

 

This morning I had to coach myself while lying in bed in a nice way about being okay to lay there for a while. I do have things to do that I have been putting off and will get to it later today.

 

Barb....maybe you can help me with this: When I have had a regular office job, I got up at 5:30 every morning - 5 days a week. I didn't have the "I feel lazy" mental chatter.

 

Since I lost my job in 2009 and have been in and out of a few jobs and then deciding on my own business I don't have to get up @5:30 and feel guilty/scared that I am not really working and don't have a 'real job'.

 

My hope/goal is to get myself into a place where I will work an 8 hour day - 5 days per week on my own.

 

What is this? It is with me every day. I could use EMDR to get to the bottom of this.

 

Thank you

[Nikki]

My mother was admited thru the ER into the Hospital because her MRI revealed that the mini stroke she had was bleeding.

You would never know it to look at her.

 

I don't know what the course of treatment will be.  She is off blood-thinners, aspirin, water pills and potassium.  I was in the ER twice today in between jobs and then this evening my daughter spent time with her.

 

It was an Ischemic stroke.

 

While I was googling the subject 'brain bleeding' there was a site about SSRI antidepressants changing platelets and increasing the chances of people on them having a vessel weaken and bleeding out into the brain.  There were other factors not taken into consideration like smoking, diabetes, etc.

 

Mom is 89.  So for now it's One Day At A Time.......

[Nikki]

Grateful that my daughter was able to spend the evening with my mother while I worked.  I did see her twice yesterday.

 

Crying a bit this morning.  Told mysel it was okay.  Know I am powerless and have no control over this, trying to accept it.

 

My mother is a "piece of work" and I love her.

 

Send some prayers this way....thanks

[Barbarannamated]

Nikki,

 

I'm sorry to hear about your mom. Sounds like she's a stong woman and quite a fighter.

 

Yes, SSRIs are associated with brain bleeds. My MRI showed microangiopathic changes /vascular lesions that began years ago. My understanding is that brain bleeds are hemorrhagic strokes, not ischaemic, although I'm not clear on how they present differently. I'm interested in reading the info you mentioned if you could post the link. Thanks.

 

Please keep us updated.

[Nikki]

Barb I don't know why but I had the hardest time trying to post the link.  It would not post in a reply.  I will try again.

 

In my mother's case the stroke prompted bleeding.  It is in the Cerebellum and that is actually a good thing.  Today I saw a few doctors and a speech therapist.

 

My mother's only residual effects forgetting the recall the name of something.  Her handwriting is back to normal.  Waiting for the results of today's MRI to see if bleeding stopped.  If so she will leave ICU.  Neurologist said there was no brain swelling.  This is all good news.

 

Have the lesions healed?  It seems that MRI's give such clear pictures.  I had no idea that ssri's could do all of this.

 

I am fortunate to have such good friends here.  My brother has not been able to deal with this.  He is darling, good person, but he can't deal with it yet.

 

Hugs

[flower]

Prayers for you and your mom Nikki....I know how you feel.

[Nikki]

Thank you Flower and how are you?

[flower]

Nikki I'm still ading through the generics of gabapentin...I've gotten alot of help from the pharmacy and my Doc but this stuff being switched in the first place is causing me alot of symptoms mentally although the pain control is okay. Skyler has been alot of help too. I've switched 4 or 5 times in a month..Yeah! They ordered me a generic from the folks who make the neurontin..Said it would be the same but it isn't at all. I cried all day yesterday ,decided not that one. I'll go back to the last 2 I tried and titrate the two until I can tolerate the one I was on the longest. The Pharmacy promised they wouldn't do this again if I can find one that works. I've cut my meds down to the bare necessities..I'd like to stabilize so I can go about life. I've given up so much to be healthy. Soooo  gabapentin here I come..Stay well lady bug.....

 

I cut a piece of my moms hair before she passed..Noone knows,but I hold it and cry..Her hair was so soft. Give your mom a kiss today Nikki. I wish I could.

[flower]

Nikki I'm still ading through the generics of gabapentin...I've gotten alot of help from the pharmacy and my Doc but this stuff being switched in the first place is causing me alot of symptoms mentally although the pain control is okay. Skyler has been alot of help too. I've switched 4 or 5 times in a month..Yeah! They ordered me a generic from the folks who make the neurontin..Said it would be the same but it isn't at all. I cried all day yesterday ,decided not that one. I'll go back to the last 2 I tried and titrate the two until I can tolerate the one I was on the longest. The Pharmacy promised they wouldn't do this again if I can find one that works. I've cut my meds down to the bare necessities..I'd like to stabilize so I can go about life. I've given up so much to be healthy. Soooo  gabapentin here I come..Stay well lady bug.....

 

I cut a piece of my moms hair before she passed..Noone knows,but I hold it and cry..Her hair was so soft. Give your mom a kiss today Nikki. I wish I could.

Sorry I couldn't correct anything on the reply...I meant wading through the generics..

[Nikki]

Flower when I worked in Hospice (briefly) the families of patients would cut a ringlet of hair from their parent.  I cried at that job for 12 hours a day.  It was not for me.

 

I had a lovely talk with my mother the other day.  I was very tearful.  I told her how much I love her and I thanked her for always being there for me.  I will do this again today.

 

For Heaven's sake this neurontin situation is very taxing on you.  You  poor girl.  Do you know how strong you are?  You are amazing.

 

I don't know if this is wise advise....but I will throw it out there.  If the generic is not cutting the mustard can you increase it a bit?  To strengthen it effectiveness???????

 

After my paxil nightmare (when they took it off the shelves) I realized that I must take the generic of AD's.  Starting off on Brand set me up for not being able to tolerate generic. 

 

This medication stuff is the absolute height of insanity, and it ain't us it's the pharmaeuctical companies and doctors who don't understand he ramifications of trying to get off this stuff.

 

Anytime you need to chat just PM me.  I look forward to hearing from you...

[Meimeiquest]

Hi Nikki, Just wanted to send good wishes to you and your mom...such a journey you are on!

[Nikki]

Hi meimquest

 

Thank you, and how are you doing?

 

I admitted this to my closest friend yesterday....if I don't get a break from my mother and daughter I am afraid I am going to die from a stroke, heart attack or cancer.  There is never a reprieve or break.  It is surviving from one crisis to the next.

 

It's been like this for about 4 years now.  Physically I feel terrible.  Beat down and depressed.

 

I came o the conclusion that me, building my business is probably not that bad or stressfully challenging.  It's all the other stuff.

 

My mother is "a piece of work", very supportive, very intelligent, funny, but dysfunctional.  My daughter  can't get it together, and sadly it all ends up in my lap.  This week my daughter had to go to court.  A former boyfriend was stalking her.  It was the week from hell.

 

I hope this coming week is more fruitful and quiet.

[Meimeiquest]

Hi Nikki,

 

I read your note on my thread...thanks! I have finally stabilized on a small dose of Wellbutrin, taking the summer off from tapering. I know these are harrowing days for you...I am remembering the time after my dad's head injury. I pray that you will gain insight and strength through all this drama!

[Nikki]

I have been on a few WD support websites over the years which says alot in itself. 

 

I have experienced and have read and corresponded with people who went thru the hardest part of their taper during the lower doses.  At 10mgs. it seems that is where the trouble begins.  This is where I would cave in.

 

I was friends with someone who on her second taper made the decision to do this as slowly and in the smallest possible increments she could. after the 10mg. mark.  It paid off.

 

She carried around a bottle of Bach Flowers Rescue Remedy in times of need and it aided her tremendously.  There was another friend who did the same thing and swore by magnesium glycinate.

 

It was the longest part of their taper and their holds were for long periods of time.  Both were tapering paxil.

 

They were both very successful with their method and have been paxil-free and feeling better living good lives from this practice.

 

For an impatient person like me, this would seem impossible, but I have to remember how well they managed.......

 

FYI

[Nikki]

I made a decision to start tapering again from Celexa/Citalopram.  Does it work, I don't know.  Were the emotional issues of anxiety/depression related to huge life changes, probably.

 

What will I be like off meds? 

 

Am I going to suffer thru the horrors of WD again?  God I hope not.

 

How long will it take?

 

Will I become a basket case like I did when getting off Lexapro?

 

Lots of questions, lots of courage to do this.  Lots of fear too.

 

To be perfectly honest, when I began AD's I needed something and it helped. I had the melt-down from hell..... As the panic went I immediately began to gain weight.  There was a trade-off.

 

Sadly because of the difficulty of trying to get off Paxil and not being able to, I have been on the AD Merry-Go-Round and would  like to step off.

 

It's been two days and I am okay.  Would love to have it stay this way.

 

Sometime next week I will begin doing an inventory with a trusted friend on my personal 'blocks' 'shortcomings' 'hang-ups' etc that are in my way and holding me hostage.

 

I am hoping by the end of 2013 to be the New and Improved Me.

 

Quote from Healing:

 

Maybe try this -- ask yourself and the Universe -- how can the current situation be turned into something even better than I can imagine? Then let the question go for a period of time, and notice anything that pops into your head or that you come across in your daily life that catches your attention. Don't *try* to think it out. Be receptive but alert to inspiration.

[Jemima]

How are you tapering, Nikki?

[Narcissus]

 

 

Lots of questions, lots of courage to do this.  Lots of fear too.

 

Amen to that.

 

Good luck Nikki, you sound very strong, I'm sure you'll do fine.

[Nikki]

Thank you Narcissus.  I meant that it takes all of us a great deal of courage.

 

I try to do daily readings on 'what I focus on I get the most of' in my life.  Soooo with that in mind I am going to focus on my own reduction and not inundate myself with what could be wrong, go wrong or the what if's.  The only way I know how to do that is to keep busy.

 

Hugs

[flower]

Nikki how much did you reduce this time? I'm stuck at 10mgs for a bit while I get a grip on this gabapentin.

[Nikki]

Flower because I take Imipramine my reduction is a tad larger than the usual 10%.  This is my experience, not advise.

 

I am okay.  Slight agitation but then again working at TJMaxx during a 10% off on Mondays for anyone over 50 can produce agitation in someone like Deepak Chopra

 

I have been "Juicing" using the Joe Cross recipes and plans.  I did buy the Mercedes Benz of Juicers.....It's excellent, no peeling or dicing so it's quicker.  It's kind of like fasting but I have added some protein during the day.  Hard cooked eggs, tofu.

 

I really like it and have been expericing benefits. 

 

I guess I got tired of being sick and tired of me

 

Carrying around extra weight has impacted areas of my life, particularly feeling uncomfortable in my own skin.

 

I pray  that I can continue with my taper, continue to eat in a healthy manner and move forward into better health.

SSRI's keep weight on 'me'.....again this is my experience.

 

Hugs

 

PS....I do not have GI issues during a taper, so Juicing is okay for me.

[strawberry17]

Hey Nikiki you sound really very positive, despite the over 50's Mondays in TKMaxx (rather you than me), just remember, don't rush it!

[Nikki]

SBerry....not rushing.  I have dropped from 40 - 35 - 30 - 25 and I wait a very long, long time between drops.  Sometimes 6 months. There was only one time that anxiety got to me.  There was much, much stress at that time.  Other than that each drop has been uneventful.

 

What can I say, besides Thank God and please keep it this way.  Trying to keep myself, eyes, ears and nose out of reading about pitfalls.

 

I do see my Psych Nurse.  She is one of my customers And there is a counselour in her office I see on occasion.  He is an EMDR therapist and I told him about my taper.  If I run into a snag I will do the EMDR to get thru it.  I've done this before while tapering Lexapro years back,  and it was extremely helpful.

 

My mom is coming home from the hospital/rehab from her stroke and is doing very well.

 

Heavens I wish I could bottle some type of solution to help others out, but it is such a crap shoot.  I guess I have been fortunate thus far and I am grateful for that.

 

My mother quotes Dr. King when giving me advise....she says to "keep my eyes on the prize."  I am working very hard at doing that right now.  Every morning I ask for the strength to continue.

 

Hugs.

[Nikki]

Hi guys....

 

Sorry that I am not lending support to anyone right now...there is a reason....when I see members who have taken the meds I have taken and read the posts I get scared and quite down.  It's very sad to see people suffer. It affects me because I feel for all of you.

 

I want to keep my own head above water right now.  I am trying to focus on humor and positive affirmations.  Surprisingly I have been able to stick with the Juicing and eating to lose weight, train myself to eat well/healthy.

 

Things aren't necessarily rosey with the people I love.  Mom still in hospital will be coming home next week.  She will require more care.  My daughter found a job.  She has tonsillitis and we are going to the doctor today.  My two BFF's are in distress.  One has an internal bleed and the other works at Pratt Whitney and they are going to lay off 1500 people in Connecticut. 

 

Sometimes all you can do is pray for people.

 

I think I may have been born with Neuro Emotions like Healing talks about. My emotions are right beneath the surface. Someday I hope to be able to accept myself for being so sensitive and not resist or be so scared by them.

 

I do say a pray for everyone here every day......"God please heal everyone going thru WD"  'and please add me to the list"

 

TGIF and hugs

[tezza]

Nikki,

 

Just want you to know you're in my thoughts. Hang in there...a lot of people are having problems these days. It is stressful and saddening to me too.

[Nikki]

So nice to hear from you Tezza

 

Well it has been a week since the drop and I am fine.  Thank Heavens....I did experience some side effects.  Mostly difficulty falling asleep, tiny bit of a rattled brain which lasted briefly upon waking.  Small amount of anxiety I was able to coach myself thru, coupled wth a shower and Dunkn Donuts Coffee.

 

I am surprised and very grateful all at the same time.

 

Please please please please let this last

 

I don't know if the Juicing Diet helped, but I did quit sugar and I saw how much of a difference that made in the mornings.  And last night I worked at TJMaxx and ate when I came home and it upset my stomach. 

So the lesson is (for me) do not eat after 7PM.

 

Saw the Psych Nurse today.  She is a client of mine so I see her every Friday and I can talk to her about the taper.

 

Hugs and positive vibes for everyone

[tezza]

You sound really good! :-)

[flower]

Good job...keep it up.

[Jemima]

What's your tapering plan, Nikki?  Glad to see it's going well.

[Nikki]

Right now it is to say put for a good amount of time.  I remember a post from Rhi a long time back.....in which she explained the holds are important.