Nikki: hi, my rundown with ADs

[Nikki]

I had such a nice morning.  My Al-Anon beach meeting at 9am followed by brunch at Toojays with friends.  We laughed and laughed.  I look forward to this so much.  All of this is walking distance from my house.

 

When down in the dumps I have to remember to be grateful for my Saturdays. 

 

Hugs.

[Jemima]

Nikki, you're dropping your Celexa dose awfully fast.  The last time I read one of your posts, which I think was just a week or two ago, you were at 40 mg.  Now I see it's 20 mg. I strongly suggest that you slow down! At this point I think it would be wise to at least stabilize, if not updose, and then start cutting at 10% or less. If you go from 20 mg. to 0 mg., you must know you're asking for trouble.

[Nikki]

Jemima I appreciate your concern....but I have not  dropped from 40 to 20. I dropped from 40 to 35 to 30 to 25 and now I am at 20mgs.  I waited a month in between drops.  I was not having any issues until the OB/Gyn  CT my bio-identical hormones.

 

My Imipramine is at 40mgs.  Celexa at 20mgs.

 

Fortunately the psych nurse wrote me a script and I do have an appointment with a new group of physicians (women only MD's and Nurse Practitioners).

 

When this happened ~ WD set in.  Predominately anxiety.  Other symptoms but not bad.  The anxiety is my nemesis.

 

I have had the brakes on the 20mgs. for sometime and will continue to stay here.  Periodically get bouts of diverticulitis and I have had one of the last few weeks.  Feel lousy when that happens, but it was my own fault for eating the wrong foods.  I am on Doxycycline now and it has abated.

 

Truthfully I had anxiety over leaving TJMaxx because I am so work oriented.  A friend pointed out to me that leaving a job was a reminder of when I lost my job back in 2009 and the fear and issues it brought on.

 

You know Jemima......after being on AD's for so many years I honestly wonder if we or some of us can get off of them...

 

Hugs

[Meimeiquest]

Hi Nikki,

 

Regarding whether we all can get off or not, I think even if we can't, just lowering the dose helps reduce the risk of long-term harm. But I think living our best life long term has to be the biggest goal, drugs or not. But the good news is, with perseverance, most people can do it if it's the right time in their lives. You certainly have to have some margin in your life to pull it off. If I was a single mom right now, it would be impossible.

[Barbarannamated]

Nikki,

 

Meimeiquest said it well. I realize you've struggled with anxiety during your tapers, but, from my perspective, you've remained very functional: able to work (2 jobs!), run your own business, socialize, take care of yourself AND be there for your mom and daughter. Several of us got through tapers and remained functional, but were hit with an indescribable fatigue several months later. There's no way I could have held down a job or even taken care of myself during this stage. Perhaps this wouldnt hit you, but if it did, I'm concerned about how you could manage through it.

 

I'm not trying to scare you, but wanted to echo both Meimei's and Jemima's concerns.

 

B~

[Nikki]

Thank you for you concerns.....I know you all mean well and are providing a cautionary note.

 

I have been at 20mgs. for sometime now and shall remain here.  The anxiety lifted and I don't have other symptoms.  I guess this is stabilizing and time to bask in the sun or good window.  I am fortunate that I don't or have not gone thru the hellacious WD so many suffer thru.

 

My drops were 5mg. drops in dose.  I honestly believe if I were not on Imipramine I may not have been able to make 5mg. cuts.

 

Barb....I know that what you are saying is that "it" can creep up which is why I shall remain at this dose.

 

Barb at the risk of sounding conceited ~ I amaze myself sometimes when I look back or someone reminds me of what I accomplish.  But that is how I am wired.  Right now I am painting my house and renovating my bathroom in my bedroom.  I am not working like a speed demon.  I am taking my time and getting alot of satisfaction out of it.

 

DIY renovating and decorating.   How about renovating on a budget:)  I watch alot of Youtube videos on how to tackle something and go to Home Depot and ask questions.

 

I do have a terrific, retired neighbor who give me a hand with things I can't do.

 

Let's hope for all of us the good times or better days either stay for some or arrive for others.

[Meimeiquest]

Nikki, I am always amazed at you too...all you get done and all the friendly, supportive notes you write us, you're a good woman! I was not saying that you should pause your taper, I have no idea. But I you decide to, or if you take a nap once in awhile, or if you don't pop right out of bed in the morning...it's OK .

[Nikki]

MQ I was typing a reply and the Jack Russell puppy walked onto the keyboard and deleted the reply.

 

I will reply later, got to go to work.....Hugs

[Nikki]

Okay...hoping the jack russell doesn't walk on the computer again.  He is a jumper (they all are).

 

The anxiety spell I was in has lifted.....fingers crossed.

 

MQ it is in my nature to do and do and then do some more.  I like to move forward and believe that I am doing :the next right thing" for myself.  I have a good feeling that this winter I will be almost on target for the goals I have outlined for myself.

 

We all do alot.  If you have a spouse, family, extended family and work, you are doing alot.  We all seem to have hurried lives.  It is the way of the world now.

[Barbarannamated]

The media emphasizes those who do have hurried and overscheduled lives but there are a significant number of people who live the opposite extreme with many more people on disability now than in past. The morning shows regularly have episodes on time management for busy mothers, etc., but I've never seen a show/article/book addressing the problem of too much time on one's hands. I would venture a guess that the latter causes more health and addiction problems than the former.

[Nikki]

So true...many retirees in Florida and they are busy doing what they love.  Tennis, Golf moslty, Early Bird Dinners and the pool and ocean.  Their lives are the opposite of mine.

 

I was a stay at home mom.  My earlier years I didn't work.  Barb....I am trying to make up for lost time in the work place.  If I had to money to retire would I, probably not.  "When left to my own devices I go into my head which is a dangerous neighborhood".

 

I see that I have more time now that I don't work at TJMaxx and I can do more around my home which I need to do.  I don't wake up with that awful, burning eyes fatigue which is good and I sleep better.

 

I really don't want to pet sit anymore.  I have clients whose dogs stay here.  Barking, cleaning, eating things, alot of work.  I don't think I am going to take on any more pet sitting jobs.

 

Turning away two jobs scares me.  I never turn down work especially in the last few years when jobs were scarce.  I actually feel guilty and feel afraid.  The recession did a number on alot of us.

 

I want to stick with cleaning and organizing.  Monday to Friday and some weekends if necessary.  I question myself daily on not working 24/7.

 

I am trying to coach myself thru this and visualize and manifest, if you will growing a solid business.......

 

Any advise is welcome....

 

I just had an idea for you Barb....can you do something for work that is internet work?

[Barbarannamated]

Working for an income is no longer a realistic option for me ~ one of the major things I've had to accept recently. I am very fortunate that my disability/retirement is a generous package that allows me to do most things I want to do when feeling stronger, especially travel, and provides health benefits for both me and husband.

[Nikki]

The package sounds good....Barb.

 

I am on the verge of losing it this morning.  Not because of meds.  Outside stuff.  It never ends. I was there in all of the decisions I've made so some of it is from my decisions.  The other stuff is other people and their problems which weigh heavily on me.

 

Today is my birthday and I was in tears from another year older and not out of the 'stuff'.

 

Wish I was younger   The stuff never ends.

[tezza]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

 

I hope the day gets better!

 

Hugs!

[xDebbiejo]

Hi Nikki

 

You do sound good, lots better when I was active on this site.

 

Hope you daughter is ok

 

Debbie x

[Nikki]

I was so good for so long while tapering.  The 5mg. drops were okay for a long time.  When I made the tiniest cuts on Lexapro the symptoms were alot worse than this with Celexa.....go figure.

 

Bad morning anxiety coupled with depression and crying.

 

Depression seems to be with me most of the day now.

 

Very tired all day but able to sleep at night.  I do have interrupted sleep from pets, daughter and having to go to the bathroom.

 

Lost interest in activities.  No energy.  I usually have energy....not good.

 

Can't get out of bed.  I do, but with great effort.  Want to pull  the covers over my head go back to sleep and wake up refreshed (when will I stop this silly game).

 

Seem to be over-reacting out of fear.

 

Racing thoughts.  You know, like I can't control what  they are or their speed.

 

Vivid, technicolor disturbing dreams related to anything I may have read or saw on TV.

 

Come October 1st I have some major bills to pay and this absolutely adds fuel to the fire.

This might now have been so bad had I not had to support my daughter the last 4 months.

 

This have been strained with her the last week.  I am uncomfortable in my own home. 

 

SOS.....need you. 

 

PSPSPS

 

 

How can I get past this morning stuff?  Not wanting to get out of bed, bad anxiety, immobilization.

 

Does anyone have a remedy that works?  Or is it just pushing past it and going directly into the shower. 

 

I want to go on the computer and see this site or FB and don't get ready for the day.  Can't seem to take my dogs for a walk.  They go out all day, but I can't seem to make myself go out for a walk.

 

I play this sill game every morning for years.....unless I have to get up early for work.  I look at the clock and close my eyes and then anxiety commences and then I look at the clock and still have anxiety.  I hope I fall back to sleep but that doesn't happen because of adrenaline.

 

Is this insane or what?  How can I do this over and over again when I know it is not helpful or the solution?

[starlitegirlx]

Sorry you're having a rough time. That you are going back to sleep (after a night of poor sleep where you get up a lot) then wake up refreshed makes me wonder right off the bat if a portion of this is sleep related. I had sleep issues this spring/summer and everything went off kilter. Now I am sleeping much better and doing better overall as a result. Maybe if you don't have to go to work just go for the extra sleep. Wake up and know it's still an option to sleep in longer. Remember that DEEP sleep (which is hard to achieve when we get up a lot a night) is the most healing kind of sleep. If you are functioning with a lack of sleep, that can cause many problems, anxiety is among them.

 

Also, can you trace it back to a certain point when it began? If so, it might mean that at some point you needed to hold and kept tapering and now the effects are cumulative so a hold might be in order.

[Sparrow]

Nikki, were you able to resume HRT after the one doctor cut you off?

 

Hugs,

Sparrow

[primrose]

Oh blimey it sounds like you are having a really rough time.

I got bad morning anxiety and depression with benzo withdrwals, but benzos are a beast to come off as many here will testify.

Going from being asleep to waking up with a jerk and adrenalin rushes that time of morning was unbearable, so I really feel for you.

Cortisol, the stress hormone is at it's highest on a morning, so I have read in various places.

If you google cortisol and vitamin C you will find some info on various sites about vit C helping reduce cortisol production.

Also, ashwagandha is alleged to reduce cortisol production too. Dunno if there is any truth in these but I tried vit C and it helped.

 

 

[Barbarannamated]

Nikki,

 

I can't find the post from earlier today about your escalating problems with your daughter. I am concerned for you; the situation sounds much more serious than what I understood previously. I've woken to police cars outside my house when I still lived with my parents and sister. Even though I don't have kids of my own, I am aware of how difficult it can be on everyone involved. My parents were never able to NOT rescue my sister. She's now in her mid-50s and unable to function on her own. I dont mean to be harsh, but I wouldn't want anyone to go down the path my family has.

 

Please take care of you, Nikki.

 

EDIT to add: thread I was referring to:

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4965-i-get-guilty-when-i-stand-up-for-myself/#entry63408

[Nikki]

Hi and thank you...

 

On Tuesday I am going back to a female doctor (new) to see the blood test results for hormones.  I am on them, however I did not realized and neither did the other doctor, how low the estrogen is.  Barely nothing.  could have been presenting some issues.

 

I don't remember when the interrupted sleep started.  It's been years.  I must remember to have my last liquids no later than 7pm.

The dogs and other people in the house is not going to change.  Thank you so much for bringing up the sleep issue and how it can affect or bring on anxiety. Wow.

 

Primrose do you take Vit C at night?

 

Went to Mindful Meditation last night....so glad I did.  I wasn't able to focus, mind was racing.  Apparently we are hard wired to do this. Requires practice to obtain benefits.

 

Thank you so much folks.....If there is any way I can help you even if you just need to vent, please PM me...it would be my please to help you out.

[Nikki]

Hey Barb appreciate your responses to my posts.  This has been difficult and very anxiety producing.  Maybe this is where most of the anxiety comes from.  I know there is WD in the mix, but maybe it is not as bad as I originally thought.

 

She is doing well with working and going back to school.  Thank God for that.  However the behavior here at home is terrible.

 

This is a very painful situation....when I think about how much it hurts I cry.  We all want to be happy, and free and we want the same for our kids..

[Barbarannamated]

Nikki,

 

I've never dealt with arguing or raised voices well, but I am MUCH more sensitive now. All of our senses are on high alert and, in your home, you are living with constant overstimulation. Everything is *amplified*.

[Nikki]

Barb I could not find your Intro....I may be forum challenged

 

My friend Irene was not feeling well and had lots of tests done.  Her pituitary gland is not functioning properly, her thyroid in under-active, and she has Addison's Disease and she does not produce any cortisol. She has an alert bracelet which indicates Addison's

and Cortisol Insufficiency.  She carries around a syringe with a bottle of cortisone for one injection.

 

Of course I thought of you.  Her regimen now is Synthroid in which her blood is tested every two weeks and the med is adjusted.

She takes I thinks she said Hyrocortisone tablets (for life).

 

She has anxiety and she said and I agree that it is the steroids.  The doctor told her she will eventually adjust.

 

I hope this in some way can help you.

[Barbarannamated]

Thank you, Nikki. . Yes, the hydrocortisone did weird things to me as did another raw adrenal supplement. It's good to hear that those effects may subside.

[xDebbiejo]

Oh gosh so sorry Nikki for my last post, I wasn't reading them in order. I read you were doing DIY and enjoying it and replied to that.

 

I do hope you come through this soon

 

So sorry for not concentrating

 

Debbie x

[Nikki]

Was talking to my daughter's boyfriend.....something is just not right.  She did a cold turkey from Imipramine and I don't know if she is taking it again or not.

 

Can a cold turkey cause depression and then the agitation and off the wall remarks?

 

If she is on the Imipramine then it is not working out.

 

Bi-polar crops up in my thoughts due to extreme changes.

 

I know she is scared and doing the best she can to work and get ahead.  I do feel bad about possibly scaring her about moving out.

 

Want to sit down with her and her boyfriend and talk to her about her behavior and finding a possible solution.

 

She said she is having a very bad PMS.  I had bad PMS and was all over the place with emotions.  Could it be PMS?

 

Oh God this stinks.  None of us wants to turn out backs on our kids.  Want to help  them find solutions and move in the right direction.

[mammaP]

Nikki I have had all kinds of symptoms and experiences with psych drugs and your daughter

could be affected by them or by withdrawal. Throw PMT into the mix and it can be a disaster! 

I think PMT played a huge part in my bi-polar diagnosis. I would turn into a raging mass of hormones,

but my periods were never regular so it wasn't put down to PMT for years. I was finally diagnosed

when I was on hospital and changing meds so fast it was unreal. I  think the mania I had then was

down to the drugs.  It's hard to unravel what causes what, especially when there has been life changing

traumas too.  

 

I feel for you in your dilemma, and hope that one day you and your daughter will find peace.

I can imagine how difficult it must be for you right now. XX

[Nikki]

Thank you for your input and knowledge.  There certainly is alot in the mix.  Her boyfriend and I are at our wits end here.  Maybe you never were bi-polar and the 'mix' caused so much angst.

 

A doctor recently gave her Wellbutrin and after about two weeks she had the worst anxiety ever.  Stopped CT and was given a Rx for Imipramine which she has been on for a number of years. 

 

Prior to this she did a fast taper off Imipramine and I do not know whether she is taking it again.

 

How can you help your kids if they don't let you.

[Sparrow]

How can you help your kids if they don't let you.

 

You can't.

[MaryKA]

 

How can you help your kids if they don't let you.

 

You can't.

 

 

Is she talking to you?

[Nikki]

Need some help please.  Since I had that meltdown last week over turning 59 and paying my daughter's bills and running out of money to do it, things have gone from bad to worse...

 

She asked me what was wrong (on my birthday) and I started to cry and I angrily told my daughter I couldn't support her any more.  I did tell her that I do want her to move out (not that moment - no date) just that I want to proceed with my plans to downsize.

 

She told me things will turn around now that she is working and then proceeded to scream so loud the police showed up after she left.

 

She keeps insisting that I 'threw her out'.  Broken record.  "I didn't throw you out"  " yes you did".  "I am sorry if I scared you, I had a meltdown and why is it that no one is allowed to have a meltdown?"

 

For over a week now, she is speaking in a very morose tone of voice, when she speaks to me.  She keeps saying she wants nothing to do with me and when I live alone someday she will never see me and I can die alone.  The same goes for her father.

She said she is done with me for throwing her out. And the broken record conversation begins again.

 

She said she has no money.  She wants to get a full time job as opposed to the two jobs she has and this  and me are keeping her from fulfilling her goal of going back to school over the next few years, if she can't live here.

 

The school is in Miami.  We live in Jupiter.

 

Her demeanor, attitude and words are scaring me.  I don't know if she is angry at herself or if she is just angry and depressed over her own choices (most of which were bad) in life.

 

Is she scared - probably.  Financial insecurity is an enormous fear to carry around.

 

Two things:  I can't seem to get through to talk deeply about this with her.  And she is tormenting the daylights out of me.

 

God forgive me for saying this, but I really don't want to live like this anymore.  It's agony and anxiety producing.  Her behavior is very punishing much like her father's.  She has been a handful since she turned 13.  She is now 24 going on 25.

 

On the other hand I am afraid of her committing suicide because she seems to morose and angry.  It's not normal behavior.

Occasionally she will talk to me and tell me about her plans.  I listen.  When she talks to me without the anger, I see how frightened she is. She cries.

 

I am going to toot my horn here......I am and have been the most loving mom.  I have always treated her with kindness and understanding.  I never hurt my daughter.  Her father on the other hand has tormented her most of her life.

 

Inside I am scared for her, but I know I can't live under these conditions any more.  I did with her father.

 

Confused, scared and frustrated......

 

Please any advise is welcome.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Well, you asked and said 'any'. The Work. Your daughter's statements are the same thoughts I was struggling with a short time ago. Definitely not easy to do but the good stuff never is. I have more stuff but this thought: "My mother never loved (doesn't love me now)" was so sticky and was causing me such intense daily pain that I kept having suicidal thoughts. I still can't figure out how it happened, that it got blown apart so completely. Your results may vary (and see the note in my sig).

 

Edit: Never mind. I must have read something in your post that (maybe combined with some other reading) caused me to see myself in the situation. You can ask mods to delete my post.

[Barbarannamated]

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this horrible situation, Nikki. It sounds like she learned how to push your buttons from the one who did it best: her father. She knows you are afraid to be alone and is using it against you.

 

I don't have any good advice for you. The only thing that jumped out at me.... i would stop telling her that your meltdown was cause of your actions /words toward her. Your actions are VERY justified responses to her behavior. Just a gut feeling, but it seems like something she could and would throw in your face to use to her advantage.

 

Hang in there. I have a few friends who went through similar horrors with their kids at this age and they're all doing well now.

[MaryKA]

Hey Nikki, this is a difficult situation. I've been (twice, and still am) in the situation where my upset is seen as aggression and coldness. This has to be rooted in prejudice, like even while I'm physically crying I'm told I'm aggressive and cold... I see the same for you

 

Advice? What comes to my mind is whether the apron strings need to be released completely. At 24/25, your daughter has had stuff given to her -- I'm talking about the prepaid education, even boarding facility, your home to still live in -- and maybe she'd like the chance to prove herself, it seems like she does. Unless you really know better, I wouldn't say her being morose is necessarily a sign that she's gonna self-harm, but I'd suggest it's a sign of her not being (thinking she has not been) listened too. You can best answer that. And then again, it seems that you don't want to wear the apron that's being tugged any more, maybe even are fed up of the lingering guilt of things with her dad (owning up to stuff is OK, but not for ever and ever) and so you want to strike free and get on with your future rather than your past?

 

I could be wrong here, it's just another point of view...

[Nikki]

My daughter is a very angry young woman.  Angry at herself for poor choices.  Angry at her father.  Believe me she has been given every opportunity.  She was never denied anything but her father's love an approval and that is a big ouch.  I was there always.

I tried to soften every blow and ended up doing her and myself a dis-service.

 

I am uncomfortable in my own home.  And I simply cannot and will not support her anymore.

 

Sooooooo after spending the entire day thinking and talking to friends I have decided to wait until she is more receptive and less angry and sit her and her boyfriend down and explain that the situation here is not working out.  I want to sell my home and downsize.  In doing so, I will give them money to get their own place.  You know, the deposit/security and the first months rent and a little extra.  A foundation.

 

They can help themselves to the furniture here, TV's, plates, towels, dinnerware, etc. just about everything so they should be pretty well set in their own place.  Maybe her father will throw in some money which would be nice.

 

I hope this will help alleviate her fear and provide them with a decent start.  The money will be given to her.  He is not my son.

After that they will have to learn how to swim or sink.

 

I want some peace.  My daughter has been a problem since 13.  One crisis after the next.

 

For now this is what I am hoping is best for everyone......

 

And yes, Barb she does know how to push buttons.

 

She bought her boyfriend tickets for his birthday to see Nine Inch Nails (concert) and tickets to Halloween Horror Nights (Orlando) and then asked me for money for gas to go out tonight  

 

They need to go