Mia1: hope in early recovery

[Mia1]

@SicksagittariusI’m so sorry you’re having these issues with your mom while you are recovering. I know how painful it can be to hear these things from someone who is supposed to protect you and love you unconditionally. 

 

I really have realized that when a person says or does something unkind they are actually expressing their own pain, it has nothing to do with the person they are directing it at. It took me a while to really understand this but please know that there is nothing wrong with you.

 

I think creating some space from each other right now would be helpful for both of you. If you can’t get a job and move out right away maybe just limiting the contact you have with each other will be helpful.

 

You are right, you need to get back to taking care of yourself. The first step is being kind to yourself. Start by consistently eating well and whatever exercise you can tolerate. Cultivate positive self talk, be the best support you can be for yourself. Judging ourselves harshly creates a lot of our anxiety. Learn to accept yourself exactly as you are today. You are ABSOLUTELY worth it!! 

 

 I would also recommend a daily meditation practice and learning mindfulness. Also being in nature is very calming as well as doing deep breathing exercises. 

 

All of these things will help to regulate your nervous system. I wouldn’t recommend supplements beyond fish oil and magnesium. Learning how not to react to symptoms such as anxiety will take the power away from them. It’s basically acceptance and I wrote about this a lot on my thread and @Greatful and @KittenLePurrthread. If you have time check it out.

 

You’re going to get well, you just have to make it a priority which means you have to make yourself a priority. I’m here for you, you’re not alone. ❤️

[Sicksagittarius]

On 9/2/2021 at 6:33 PM, Mia1 said:

@SicksagittariusI’m so sorry you’re having these issues with your mom while you are recovering. I know how painful it can be to hear these things from someone who is supposed to protect you and love you unconditionally. 

 

I really have realized that when a person says or does something unkind they are actually expressing their own pain, it has nothing to do with the person they are directing it at. It took me a while to really understand this but please know that there is nothing wrong with you.

 

I think creating some space from each other right now would be helpful for both of you. If you can’t get a job and move out right away maybe just limiting the contact you have with each other will be helpful.

 

You are right, you need to get back to taking care of yourself. The first step is being kind to yourself. Start by consistently eating well and whatever exercise you can tolerate. Cultivate positive self talk, be the best support you can be for yourself. Judging ourselves harshly creates a lot of our anxiety. Learn to accept yourself exactly as you are today. You are ABSOLUTELY worth it!! 

 

 I would also recommend a daily meditation practice and learning mindfulness. Also being in nature is very calming as well as doing deep breathing exercises. 

 

All of these things will help to regulate your nervous system. I wouldn’t recommend supplements beyond fish oil and magnesium. Learning how not to react to symptoms such as anxiety will take the power away from them. It’s basically acceptance and I wrote about this a lot on my thread and @Greatful and @KittenLePurrthread. If you have time check it out.

 

You’re going to get well, you just have to make it a priority which means you have to make yourself a priority. I’m here for you, you’re not alone. ❤️

@Mia1Thank you so much for this wonderful advice you have no idea how much it means to me. Thank you for being supportive and making me not feel alone when no one else understands. My mom has an avoidance style and goes on long weekends away every single weekend which hurts my feelings. I also like the space at the same time so I get to heal in peace and work at a slow pace without judgment. I wish she would support me. She tells all of her friends about my business and they probably all think im a nutcase when its really WD. They don't understand it especially as they all work in the traditional medical world, our biggest enemy. Im trying not to care what people think but knowing the kids of my moms friends who were my former classmates probably think im insane makes me furious. 

 

I've been dizzy, feeling spaced out for about 2-3 weeks now after stopping mesalamine, an anti-inflammatory and trying new supplements such as a multivitamins, boswelia complex, probiotics from the functional dr. I'm scared this won't end for a very long time and its the longest I've felt out of focus. I started too many at once and then dropped them all. I've also been on the mesalamine from the traditional GI dr for months and I'm worried I've done bad things to increase my WD symptoms and I cant stop worrying about what caused it. Of course ive been messing with my diet too and im sure increased symptoms as well. Im an anxious mess. Can doing the nervous system calming things help these symptoms subside quicker? 

 

I've been reading the body keeps the score to learn the body work to help my nervous system. Ive been trying to do positive self talk each day and retrain my mind to manifest healing. ive have started doing EFT each day which has been tough to face the emotions but hopefully I will break down a wall and it will start to heal me more. I also love to sing so I've been diving into music so much. I love nature too but when I sit outside I get sad because thats when my unfocused, out of body feeling is the strongest, not sure if the light makes me more sensitive.

 

I don't know whats triggering my CNS, the stop or start of diff meds, the extreme stress ive had from this illness and my dad alcohlism causing him to die soon. I need to know what to do to start feeling more clear and focused and I keep dropping diff supplements bc I think theyre causing stimulation but dropping them too quick could cause it too? Im so scared. I just want to stop feeling out of it and dizzy and im angry at myself for trying different medications and herbal supplements that set me back 10 when I was finally feeling somewhat normal. I'm sure me stressing about it and poor sleep hygiene isnt helping.

 

Ive been getting really sad about missing out on life recently. Ive been feeling extra sick due to all the food, med changes, and life stressors. I want to be able to somewhat work, move out, enjoy times with my friends, enjoy a concert, get a boyfriend, but I feel so broken. My social anxiety is worse than ever, everything rattles my nervous system, my hair is falling out and im so skinny, I feel so ugly. I know I'll heal eventually but its so stressful trying to heal myself when no traditional or functional dr can help me. Doing all this research makes me physically ill. Trying to learn how to heal all of my stomach issues (candida, SIBO, giardia, c diff, h pylori) from either WD or trying different medications without being able to tolerate probiotics, healing foods, etc is so frustrating. I know I'm a beautiful person with a great soul and personality but I'm in prison with these WD symptoms preventing me from shining. 

[Mia1]

On 9/4/2021 at 9:24 PM, Sicksagittarius said:

I wish she would support me. She tells all of her friends about my business and they probably all think im a nutcase when its really WD. They don't understand it especially as they all work in the traditional medical world, our biggest enemy. Im trying not to care what people think but knowing the kids of my moms friends who were my former classmates probably think im insane makes me furious. 

I’m sorry that she is not supportive of you and betrays your trust, that is incredibly painful. It sounds like your mom has a lot of unresolved trauma herself and it is unlikely she will ever be to give you what you are looking for. I have come to see that trauma is a pattern of thinking and behaviors that are passed from one generation to the next if not healed. To heal trauma you simply recognize the negative and self destructive thoughts and behaviors and you change them. You change the program.

 

This is why meditation is so important, we start to see what our thoughts are and we come to realize that not only are we not our thoughts but we can choose at any time how we act/react in any given situation. We make the unconscious program conscious. It is total freedom.

 

Part of this is developing boundaries with unhealthy people in our lives. I don’t know what your situation is but if you are able to work I would suggest you do that and start to look for your own place to live. Only tell your mom things you would be comfortable with everyone knowing. Be very discriminating with who you allow into your life, cultivate friendships with people who are going to lift you up. I would even suggest joining a 12 step program like Al-Anon or Adult Children of Alcoholics, both of these programs will help you to process the trauma of the dysfunction and help you to learn better ways to cope and manage your life. It’s a good way to be supported in this difficult time and there are online meetings if you’re not comfortable with face to face.

On 9/4/2021 at 9:24 PM, Sicksagittarius said:

I'm worried I've done bad things to increase my WD symptoms and I cant stop worrying about what caused it. Of course ive been messing with my diet too and im sure increased symptoms as well. Im an anxious mess. Can doing the nervous system calming things help these symptoms subside quicker? 

We can’t change the past by worrying about it, we can only recognize behaviors that may not be helpful and change them in the present. Your symptoms may have been increased by a poor diet and sleep schedule as well as increased stress at home but luckily that is something you can fix. Commit to eating healthy, exercise to your capability and practice good sleep hygiene as well as practicing non drug coping skills.

 

And then you must forgive yourself and let it go. You were coping the best that you could in the moment. Reliving it and beating yourself up will only increase your anxiety. It’s okay to make mistakes, that’s how we learn. Be kind to yourself. I’m going to share a self compassion video with you that you may find helpful.

 

On 9/4/2021 at 9:24 PM, Sicksagittarius said:

I've been reading the body keeps the score to learn the body work to help my nervous system. Ive been trying to do positive self talk each day and retrain my mind to manifest healing. ive have started doing EFT each day which has been tough to face the emotions but hopefully I will break down a wall and it will start to heal me more. I also love to sing so I've been diving into music so much. I love nature too but when I sit outside I get sad because thats when my unfocused, out of body feeling is the strongest, not sure if the light makes me more sensitive.

 This is all really great stuff you’re doing to help yourself, change does not happen overnight but it is taking place everyday in small ways so keep up the good work!!

 

When I have symptoms I find it helpful not to judge them but to just sit and observe what is happening. This is a skill that is cultivated in meditation. I’m going to also share the healing meditation with you in case you weren’t able to find it.

 

On 9/4/2021 at 9:24 PM, Sicksagittarius said:

I don't know whats triggering my CNS, the stop or start of diff meds, the extreme stress

 

On 9/4/2021 at 9:24 PM, Sicksagittarius said:

I just want to stop feeling out of it and dizzy and im angry at myself for trying different medications and herbal supplements that set me back 10 when I was finally feeling somewhat normal.

When our nervous system is activated by coming off these drugs it’s so important we learn to manage our stress. I do not recommend supplements beyond fish oil and magnesium because you’re running a risk of activating yourself more and it’s that same concept of looking outside of yourself to fix something within. We all have the answers we are searching for, they are within us.

 

My advice is the same as before, learn to sit with “uncomfortable” feelings objectively and without judgement. It’s the judgement that causes our suffering. When we have done all that we can do sometimes the only thing left is to accept our situation. Stop fighting what is and accept yourself exactly as you are. This is really an act of self love. 

 

I would also recommend reframing the experience. I have seen this as a great opportunity to change those parts of myself that no longer serve me. When you do this in limitation (having a brain injury) it will be even more intense but I look at it like the ultimate training in resiliency and self love and fearlessness. Use this experience as a platform for self healing and self  love. All problems are created by the mind, our attaching to our thoughts of what we think should be instead of accepting what is. 

On 9/4/2021 at 9:24 PM, Sicksagittarius said:

but I feel so broken. My social anxiety is worse than ever, everything rattles my nervous system, my hair is falling out and im so skinny, I feel so ugly. I know I'll heal eventually but its so stressful trying to heal myself

 

On 9/4/2021 at 9:24 PM, Sicksagittarius said:

but I'm in prison with these WD symptoms preventing me from shining. 

I’m going to tell you something that may be hard to hear. The only prison we are ever in is the one we create for ourselves no matter what is happening in our lives. You are in a prison of your mind. You have the key to this prison and that lies solely on what thoughts you will choose to believe and follow. Do you believe that you are a beautiful, healthy, kind and loving person who deserves to have a full life despite having this experience or do you believe that you are broken and doomed?

 

You can start to get out of this prison today, just choose to follow and believe the thoughts that will empower you. Choose to think and act differently. Leave uncertainty and doubt behind and learn how to love and trust yourself.

 

You sound like an amazing person who already has a lot of courage and strength, you can do this and you are going to be okay. This is a temporary experience, use it as a guide to become the best version of yourself that you can be and let your light shine ❤️

[Sicksagittarius]

On 9/6/2021 at 11:26 AM, Mia1 said:

I’m sorry that she is not supportive of you and betrays your trust, that is incredibly painful. It sounds like your mom has a lot of unresolved trauma herself and it is unlikely she will ever be to give you what you are looking for. I have come to see that trauma is a pattern of thinking and behaviors that are passed from one generation to the next if not healed. To heal trauma you simply recognize the negative and self destructive thoughts and behaviors and you change them. You change the program.

 

This is why meditation is so important, we start to see what our thoughts are and we come to realize that not only are we not our thoughts but we can choose at any time how we act/react in any given situation. We make the unconscious program conscious. It is total freedom.

 

Part of this is developing boundaries with unhealthy people in our lives. I don’t know what your situation is but if you are able to work I would suggest you do that and start to look for your own place to live. Only tell your mom things you would be comfortable with everyone knowing. Be very discriminating with who you allow into your life, cultivate friendships with people who are going to lift you up. I would even suggest joining a 12 step program like Al-Anon or Adult Children of Alcoholics

@Mia1First of all, thank you so much for taking the time and energy to give me such an amazing and in depth response. You're an angel. Good karma is coming your way for helping people as much as you do. This has been the most helpful and supportive thing anyone has said to me this entire year of being sick. Esp encouraging me that I can do this and will be okay and that I am a strong person... that brought a tear to my eye because my mom wont even tell me I'm strong she thinks I'm not doing enough. I'm really excited to watch those videos you recommended and appreciate you linking them! Do you have other "bottom up" techniques to help with body work for healing trauma?

 

You are right about my mom being traumatized by her own emotionally unavailable parents. When she told her mom she had an eating disorder and needed help, my grandma didnt respond with a single word, she stayed silent. I have to realize my mom doesn't have gallons to give me she only has a small bucket. I will break the generational curse.

 

My grandma is visiting this weekend and I'm terrified about how triggered my toxic grandma is going to make me with her questions about my illness, my skinny appearance etc. Anytime people ask me questions about what I'm going through I have panic attacks because of how badly the drs and my mom traumatized me by not believing me. How would I briefly but honestly explain what I'm going through? My mom only admits that I have "Gi issues" and "celiac disease" and I hate saying that because its invalid and why should I have to lie about what happened to me? Will sitting with my thoughts without judgment be easier with practice and help me stop getting so easily triggered from peoples comments that cause panic attacks? It takes time to talk myself down after hearing a triggering comment to not believe they're hurtful words. I love the advice of making the subconscious thoughts conscious. 

 

Simple things my mom says and even her presence make my heart race and pound outside of my chest and I have to step away and cry it out. She thinks I'm lazy and need to push through, when pushing through symptoms causes it to be worse. She almost resents that I won't let her help me get better, which I did let her and the traditional dr way and they mad me worse. I know its a symptom of WD but being stuck in fight or flight is very emotionally draining. I always want to make a pamphlet about what I'm going through to explain to her but I feel this is a waste of my energy, which I barely have, because I don't think she would believe me even if I showed her the facts. Do you think I shouldn't even bother and just work on getting a job and moving out? I get frustrated because I want to get out so badly but starting my career again after not working for over a year is really intimidating. 

 

Thats so amazing you mentioned Al Anon. My dad is actually an alcoholic and his health has been deteriorating due to drinking himself to death. I think he only has 6 months to a year left. I've been so consumed with being sick that I can barely process that situation, even though it was the reason I started taking lexapro in the first place. I felt I didnt have time for al anon but now that I know it helps in forming healthy relationships and other life skills, I'm excited to read the book I have on it. 

 

Quote

When our nervous system is activated by coming off these drugs it’s so important we learn to manage our stress. I do not recommend supplements beyond fish oil and magnesium because you’re running a risk of activating yourself more and it’s that same concept of looking outside of yourself to fix something within. We all have the answers we are searching for, they are within us.

 

Your symptoms may have been increased by a poor diet and sleep schedule as well as increased stress at home but luckily that is something you can fix. Commit to eating healthy, exercise to your capability and practice good sleep hygiene as well as practicing non drug coping skills.

 

I'm not sure if you'd know the answer to this, but ever since I tried the multivitamin, herbal supplements, probiotics thats when depersonalization started and I couldnt focus on things, esp outside in the light everything is slightly moving. I believe this activated my symptoms way more than even my poor sleep and stress did. My WD has been worse for about a month and a half after I dropped all the herbal supplements. Will I stay in these bad WD symptoms for months now? I also came off an anti-inflammatory medication and antispasmodic medication to slow down my digestion that the traditional dr gave me before I knew my stomach probs were caused by WD and diet changes could help symptoms. I came off them gradually but came off the last antiinflam pill around the same time I started more herbal supplements. I'm currently weaning off omeprazole too because I think its causing a lot of my stomach issues due to lack of acid. Could trying and stopping traditional and holistic medicines around the same time have the same damaging WD symptoms as if I were to try other psychiatric medications? Do you think it will take months for me to not have as intense WD symptoms from this since its already been 2 months total of having them and 1 month post stopping the supplements? I am getting better at loving myself and accepting my symptoms as is and not fighting them. I'm just wondering if you knew a timeline of what was normal for WD symptoms to increase after activating them with diff meds? What is kindling and does this apply to whats happening to me?

 

I tried the herbal meds due to all of my stomach issues like SIBO, candida, h pylori, c diff, giardia etc. Can I heal these stomach issues just with time or is it something I will eventually need to take probiotics and other things for in the future when I can tolerate them? Or can I heal all these stomach issues from within and time? 

 

Also, When I first was tapering, I started from 20 mg to "18 mg" to "15 mg" that were unevenly cut from a 20 mg pill without a scale to weigh them for about 6-7 months due to my lack of education. I only started accurately weighing it out when I did a too fast taper to CT for 6 days in April and have remained at the same dosage since then. Could having the uneven dosage for that long cause my WD to be worse? 

Quote

My advice is the same as before, learn to sit with “uncomfortable” feelings objectively and without judgement. It’s the judgement that causes our suffering. When we have done all that we can do sometimes the only thing left is to accept our situation. Stop fighting what is and accept yourself exactly as you are. This is really an act of self love. 

 

I would also recommend reframing the experience. I have seen this as a great opportunity to change those parts of myself that no longer serve me. When you do this in limitation (having a brain injury) it will be even more intense but I look at it like the ultimate training in resiliency and self love and fearlessness. Use this experience as a platform for self healing and self  love. All problems are created by the mind, our attaching to our thoughts of what we think should be instead of accepting what is. 

 

I’m going to tell you something that may be hard to hear. The only prison we are ever in is the one we create for ourselves no matter what is happening in our lives. You are in a prison of your mind. You have the key to this prison and that lies solely on what thoughts you will choose to believe and follow. Do you believe that you are a beautiful, healthy, kind and loving person who deserves to have a full life despite having this experience or do you believe that you are broken and doomed?

 

You can start to get out of this prison today, just choose to follow and believe the thoughts that will empower you. Choose to think and act differently. Leave uncertainty and doubt behind and learn how to love and trust yourself.

 

You sound like an amazing person who already has a lot of courage and strength, you can do this and you are going to be okay. This is a temporary experience, use it as a guide to become the best version of yourself that you can be and let your light shine ❤️

I absolutely love the advice you gave me about reframing this experiene as the ultimate training of self love and resiliency because it is way more intense due to our brain injuries. Also choosing to believe the empowering thoughts over bad ones have changes my perspective so much and I havent been waking up feeling doomed these past few days. Ive changed so much for the better and I'm actually learning who I am as a person since I've been medicated since 16 and now I'm 23. I'm dealing with all the trauma I went through of breakups with boyfriends, friendships ending, my dads alcoholism etc because i was too numb to process it before. Its amazing to see the world in color again and to have this spiritual awakening and be connected to the universe. There's beauty in the struggle. How did you become so enlightened with all your wonderful advice and wisdom? Thank you for reminding me this is temporary even though it feels like its never ending. I think the less I think about it the quicker the healing will feel and actually occur.

[Mia1]

On 9/9/2021 at 7:40 PM, Sicksagittarius said:

On 9/6/2021 at 11:26 AM, Mia1 said:

Expand  

@Mia1First of all, thank you so much for taking the time and energy to give me such an amazing and in depth response. You're an angel. 

Thank you @Sicksagittariusfor your kind words, I’ve been through and learned a lot these past eighteen months and if I can help another person along it has been worth it. We really are all in this together.

On 9/9/2021 at 7:40 PM, Sicksagittarius said:

How would I briefly but honestly explain what I'm going through?

Understand that doctors aren’t even aware of what we are going through so it’s going to be especially hard for people who have not been through this experience to understand. I would share with those people who have shown that they are supportive of you and are emotionally available.

On 9/9/2021 at 7:40 PM, Sicksagittarius said:

thoughts without judgment be easier with practice and help me stop getting so easily triggered from peoples comments that cause panic attacks? It takes time to talk myself down after hearing a triggering comment to not believe they're hurtful words.

Remember that all judgement is self judgement. When someone judges you they are actually judging themselves just as when we judge someone else we are judging ourselves. So yes, when you sit with thoughts through meditation you’ll start to create the space to see that you are not these thoughts and as a result you will be able to release them easier. When you can start to release self judgement you will come to find that what other people say or do actually has nothing to do with you and it will no longer hold any power over you. Remember, we choose what has power over us at any given time. Always. We are all so powerful, we just don’t realize it or believe it. This is what you’re learning.

On 9/9/2021 at 7:40 PM, Sicksagittarius said:

Simple things my mom says and even her presence make my heart race and pound outside of my chest and I have to step away and cry it out.

I’m so sorry you have to deal with this on top of healing. And at the same time I can’t help thinking that the universe is giving you an incredible gift and compliment. That you are right now strong enough to handle this and that you are learning at an accelerated rate because of it. Reframe the experience and you can’t help but find the hidden gems. 

On 9/9/2021 at 7:40 PM, Sicksagittarius said:

I always want to make a pamphlet about what I'm going through to explain to her but I feel this is a waste of my energy, which I barely have, because I don't think she would believe me even if I showed her the facts. Do you think I shouldn't even bother and just work on getting a job and moving out?

I completely understand the desire to want to have your mom love and care about you, it’s completely normal. It’s like you so brilliantly stated though, she just doesn’t have buckets to give you. I’m sensing beyond this normal desire there may be a void you are trying to fill with her approval. 

 

Remember, we are all complete in this very moment, it’s the identification with our minds (thoughts) that prevents us from seeing this. So start to ask yourself why you need her approval and when you have figured it out release it fully. This is how you will heal and find peace with it. 

On 9/9/2021 at 7:40 PM, Sicksagittarius said:

I'm just wondering if you knew a timeline of what was normal for WD symptoms to increase after activating them with diff meds? What is kindling and does this apply to whats happening to me?

Supplements can definitely activate your nervous system but I honestly don’t believe they cause the amount of damage these drugs do or that it will be as prolonged. Our reactions to our symptoms can cause our symptoms to linger for a long time. This is why meditation, mindfulness and acceptance are so important, you really learn how to decrease your suffering when you can learn to let go of judgement and accept what is. 

 

Remember, everything is just an experience. It’s not good or bad until we attach that label to the experience. And all experience is temporary. All judgement is in the mind. 

On 9/9/2021 at 7:40 PM, Sicksagittarius said:

Ive changed so much for the better and I'm actually learning who I am as a person since I've been medicated since 16 and now I'm 23. I'm dealing with all the trauma I went through of breakups with boyfriends, friendships ending, my dads alcoholism etc because i was too numb to process it before. Its amazing to see the world in color again and to have this spiritual awakening and be connected to the universe. There's beauty in the struggle.

This is beautiful, I really believe it’s why we’re all here, to figure out who we really are and to find beauty and joy in the struggle. If you think about it we’re all in an advanced class to learn it.

 

You are so young and to understand this and do the work there is truly nothing you can’t do, your potential is limitless. I’m really excited for you!!

 

[Greatful]

@Mia1  Good morning,  how are things going today?

I have an appt. with M today.  Looking forward to sharing some of the things I have been working on.  I think I mention your name a fair amount.  You have taught me so much and you have such a gift in explaining things.  We are going to write that book we talked about the pains of withdrawal and personal growth........" How The Brain That Goes ThroughTthe Meat Grinder And Comes Out On The Other Whole". and one on Coping Skills When Withdrawing Off Physic Drugs.

 

Talk later❤️

[Mia1]

I always appreciate your encouragement and support @Greatfulthank you ❤️

 

I’ll do a quick update, I went away this past weekend and it went well overall. I did feel a bit activated but I had fun and was glad I took the chance. I’m feeling good today, it only took about a day for my nervous system to settle down so I feel encouraged by that. 

 

I found this really great article on radical acceptance and wanted to share, I found it really helpful.

 

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-radical-acceptance-5120614

 

 

Hope everyone is doing well 🙏

 

 

 

[Sicksagittarius]

On 9/13/2021 at 11:17 AM, Mia1 said:

Thank you @Sicksagittariusfor your kind words, I’ve been through and learned a lot these past eighteen months and if I can help another person along it has been worth it. We really are all in this together.

Understand that doctors aren’t even aware of what we are going through so it’s going to be especially hard for people who have not been through this experience to understand. I would share with those people who have shown that they are supportive of you and are emotionally available.

Remember that all judgement is self judgement. When someone judges you they are actually judging themselves just as when we judge someone else we are judging ourselves. So yes, when you sit with thoughts through meditation you’ll start to create the space to see that you are not these thoughts and as a result you will be able to release them easier. When you can start to release self judgement you will come to find that what other people say or do actually has nothing to do with you and it will no longer hold any power over you. Remember, we choose what has power over us at any given time. Always. We are all so powerful, we just don’t realize it or believe it. This is what you’re learning.

I’m so sorry you have to deal with this on top of healing. And at the same time I can’t help thinking that the universe is giving you an incredible gift and compliment. That you are right now strong enough to handle this and that you are learning at an accelerated rate because of it. Reframe the experience and you can’t help but find the hidden gems. 

I completely understand the desire to want to have your mom love and care about you, it’s completely normal. It’s like you so brilliantly stated though, she just doesn’t have buckets to give you. I’m sensing beyond this normal desire there may be a void you are trying to fill with her approval. 

 

Remember, we are all complete in this very moment, it’s the identification with our minds (thoughts) that prevents us from seeing this. So start to ask yourself why you need her approval and when you have figured it out release it fully. This is how you will heal and find peace with it. 

Supplements can definitely activate your nervous system but I honestly don’t believe they cause the amount of damage these drugs do or that it will be as prolonged. Our reactions to our symptoms can cause our symptoms to linger for a long time. This is why meditation, mindfulness and acceptance are so important, you really learn how to decrease your suffering when you can learn to let go of judgement and accept what is. 

 

Remember, everything is just an experience. It’s not good or bad until we attach that label to the experience. And all experience is temporary. All judgement is in the mind. 

This is beautiful, I really believe it’s why we’re all here, to figure out who we really are and to find beauty and joy in the struggle. If you think about it we’re all in an advanced class to learn it.

 

You are so young and to understand this and do the work there is truly nothing you can’t do, your potential is limitless. I’m really excited for you!!

 

@Mia1Thank you so so much for your wonderful advice as always.! I read you had a great weekend away and were only slightly activated, I'm so happy for you and am glad you recovered in about a day! You should be so proud of yourself for how far youve come in 18 months.

 

I absolutely love your advice of "Remember, everything is just an experience. It’s not good or bad until we attach that label to the experience. And all experience is temporary" and "I can’t help thinking that the universe is giving you an incredible gift and compliment. That you are right now strong enough to handle this and that you are learning at an accelerated rate because of it." My family was here for the week and having to entertain them was very activating for me, my brain feels like its buzzing and my vision is blurred when I look outside still. It makes me sad because I sit outside to enjoy nature and focus on beautiful trees and flowers but it feels like its slightly moving and just reminds me of my symptoms to the point where I dont go outside anymore. This experience seems like it will never end and me freaking out and reacting to it poorly definitely prolongs symptoms.

 

Sometimes I wonder why so much hard things are happening all at once and I know the universe doesnt give us things we can't handle but I'm feeling really overwhelmed. I know the neuro emotions are a symptom of this so I react intensely to a lot of things so it seems worse than it is. It's interesting how full circle it is that I got on lexapro in highschool due to my dads alcoholism and Im getting off of it 8 years later when he is dying and he is the reason again for my suffering. I'm glad I'm in the process of weaning off though so I'm able to face my emotions so I don't have regrets when he passes because I would have been too numb to deal with any of it like in the past. 

 

I've been reading more about Dr. Claire Weekes method to calm the nervous system of thinking "you’ve come out of it before. You can do it now!" and the symptoms do not really matter to practice radical acceptance. I didnt realize everytime I freak out it makes me worse. Ive been seeing a shaky vison since early July after dropping meds and trying supplements then dropping the supplements. I can only wonder if my stress from my parents issues and trying to take on new jobs has prolonged this side effect of not being able to focus on objects when I'm outside. My dad is dying and I'm supposed to meet with him tomorrow to talk to him about how I feel to say my peace. I almost dont want to go because I know its going to make me feel sick with all the stress of that but I need to because I dont know how long he has. All of these events are no doubtedly making me worse. Do you have any advice on how to calm down so I can continue to recover and not make my nervous system worse? I feel like I'm really sensitized right now and this conversation is going to throw me into a wave. I also have been doing too much in a day and it makes me sit in a wave the entire next day. I struggle with working at a slower pace because I'm trying to start my career in freelance blogging again and I just want to make money and live on my own because that will help with the stress of living in my moms house. I know you mentioned mindfulness, meditation, and acceptance. Would this work to get out of being stuck in fight/flight/freeze response? I'm going to try the videos you linked as well. Also, what are the main things to avoid activation? I feel like I'm activating the hell out of myself recently. 

[Mia1]

On 9/18/2021 at 5:06 PM, Sicksagittarius said:

You should be so proud of yourself for how far youve come in 18 months.

Thank you 💗

On 9/18/2021 at 5:06 PM, Sicksagittarius said:

It makes me sad because I sit outside to enjoy nature and focus on beautiful trees and flowers but it feels like its slightly moving and just reminds me of my symptoms to the point where I dont go outside anymore. This experience seems like it will never end and me freaking out and reacting to it poorly definitely prolongs symptoms.

I used to struggle with this a lot and still do to a much less degree, not being able to enjoy things because I don’t feel well. But I’m going to challenge you as I do myself. Why can’t you enjoy nature despite having symptoms? In this present moment everything is okay. Symptoms are just sensations, it’s only when we start to attach to the thoughts about them that they become a problem. Eckhart Tolle said something that really stuck with me, he said that life is not a problem to be solved but an experience to be lived. 

 

So as hard as it can feel start to question your thoughts and whether they are really true. Start to live from a place of awareness without the constant chatter of the mind. Choose to enjoy life no matter what is happening. Remember, it’s just an experience and experience is neutral. YOU make it good or bad depending on what thoughts you follow. 

On 9/18/2021 at 5:06 PM, Sicksagittarius said:

I know the neuro emotions are a symptom of this so I react intensely to a lot of things so it seems worse than it is.

Neuro emotions continue to be my biggest issue, it’s so intense and irrational but in the moment it really does feel so real. There’s a really good thread on this site about changing the channel, it’s incredibly helpful.

On 9/18/2021 at 5:06 PM, Sicksagittarius said:

It's interesting how full circle it is that I got on lexapro in highschool due to my dads alcoholism and Im getting off of it 8 years later

You are so incredibly brave, you are truly an inspiration to us all ❤️

On 9/18/2021 at 5:06 PM, Sicksagittarius said:

I've been reading more about Dr. Claire Weekes

She is amazing and her cure has been such a foundation for me, accepting whatever experience you are having. I’m glad it’s helping you.

On 9/18/2021 at 5:06 PM, Sicksagittarius said:

I can only wonder if my stress from my parents issues and trying to take on new jobs has prolonged this side effect of not being able to focus on objects when I'm outside. 

Stress will definitely increase symptoms and make them last longer, that’s why self care is so important. We’re you able to set up a better sleep schedule? Has your eating and exercise gotten better? These all make a big difference when dealing with stress levels.

On 9/18/2021 at 5:06 PM, Sicksagittarius said:

My dad is dying and I'm supposed to meet with him tomorrow to talk to him about how I feel to say my peace.

My heart goes out to you, if it’s not too personal how did it go?

On 9/18/2021 at 5:06 PM, Sicksagittarius said:

Do you have any advice on how to calm down so I can continue to recover and not make my nervous system worse?

Along with self care the best thing you can do is learn how not to react to stress/anxiety just as Claire Weekes teaches. You allow everything to be exactly as it is without trying to change anything. Sometimes we are just going to react out of habit with anxiety so it’s not about not feeling anxiety it’s about not reacting to it. It will keep coming back as long as you are afraid of it so sit with the feelings without focusing on the thoughts. As you do this more and more you will find that it’s really not a big deal, it’s just a sensation. Anxiety likes to be an uninvited guest so the more you invite it in the more likely it won’t show up.

 

This is not to say you enjoy having anxiety but rather that this is what you are experiencing in this moment and you are okay with it. You practice self care (eating well, resting, exercise, being in nature) but beyond that you accept yourself exactly as you are, you let yourself be. I like to use the analogy of a river. When a river comes upon a rock it glides effortlessly around it. It doesn’t start to worry before it comes upon the rock nor does it worry when it’s going around it. It just is.

 

So learn to be like the river and let things be. You’ve got this, keep doing the work.

 

[Mia1]

I’ve been on this site exactly one year today. Since that time I have started and stopping Lexapro and successfully tapered off Amitriptyline. I made the decision last week to taper my last drug, Klonopin, a few months earlier than I had planned. So far it is going well. 

 

I have been on this journey for eighteen months now and feel well equipped to handle whatever comes my way. I continue to do the “work” every single day. I have come to welcome the challenges knowing that they have made me and continue to make me a much better version of myself then when I first started. 

 

I’m grateful for this site and for the people who inspire me and give me strength. We are truly in this together ❤️🙏

[Greatful]

@Mia1  I know you got this my friend.  You are an inspiration to us all, your courage and strength are amazing.....

Yes we are all in this together❤️ 

[Mia1]

Thank you @Greatfulyou have inspired me more than you can possibly know ❤️🙏

[Mia1]

This Claire Weekes video is a good reminder that when we accept anxiety and fear and allow it to pass through us we are training ourselves to be fearless 💪❤️

 

 

[Mia1]

I have been practicing gratefulness every day for approximately a year now and I really see and feel the positive effects it has had on me and as a result my life. 
 

I have been now shifting the focus of gratitude specifically to my Klonopin taper and whatever symptoms it brings. Every day I say I accept whatever happens with this taper unconditionally and with gratitude and I will name a couple things that I’m truly grateful for, my courage, strength, awareness, etc.

 

I believe there is value in everything and I believe that if you can train yourself to see it then those labels of good/bad we place on everything can fall away and we can realize that peace is always with us, that our potential is limitless and our strength unmatched. 
 

We are all so amazing and strong 💖

[Believer]

Hi @Mia1,

I agree, I try to find things to be grateful for every day. They are there. Times when I feel especially symptomatic they can be harder to think of, but making a point of reminding myself of all the blessings I have in my life helps to change the channel.

[Greatful]

@Mia1  

4 hours ago, Mia1 said:

Every day I say I accept whatever happens with this taper unconditionally and with gratitude and I will name a couple things that I’m truly grateful for, my courage, strength, awareness, etc.

 

I like this idea too.  We need to be kind to ourselves and acknowledge the hard work we put into make it on this journey.   

You know that I have to copy and paste this to my collection of notes that I have, for myself and the book we are going to write on coping skill while in WD.😁

 

What did you think of my pm, how I have almost mastered to multi task when meditating?

I think I made a great waitress back in my day...........Now I just need to learn how to do one thing at a time and take my time doing it......Focus🙄🥴

 

Your words of wisdom are amazing❤️ 

 

[KittenLePurr]

4 hours ago, Mia1 said:

I have been practicing gratefulness every day for approximately a year now and I really see and feel the positive effects it has had on me and as a result my life. 
 

I have been now shifting the focus of gratitude specifically to my Klonopin taper and whatever symptoms it brings. Every day I say I accept whatever happens with this taper unconditionally and with gratitude and I will name a couple things that I’m truly grateful for, my courage, strength, awareness, etc.

 

I believe there is value in everything and I believe that if you can train yourself to see it then those labels of good/bad we place on everything can fall away and we can realize that peace is always with us, that our potential is limitless and our strength unmatched. 
 

We are all so amazing and strong 💖

You GO girl!!! SO inspiring. I agree. Even the "worst" or most painful things hold lessons or growth and if we can really take on the perspective that everything happens FOR us rather than TO us, amazing things happen. Not that I'm perfect at it🤣 But it is a practice.

 

You so got this. I wish I'd known half of what you or I do now when I was tapering Klonipin but then again, I learned SO much from those experiences and I'm better for it today ❤️

 

[Greatful]

@Mia1  How are things going for you today?

 

[Mia1]

Hi @GratefulI did laugh when I read that you’re multitasking while meditating. I can relate to the overactive mind for sure!! 
 

I’m doing good, yesterday I felt almost “normal”. I haven’t felt that way for about six months so I think it’s a really great sign I’m healing from the Amitriptyline taper. I also find myself thinking about w/d a little less and I’m starting to focus on my future more so I’m feeling really optimistic. And I have one more week before the next Klonopin cut!! I really appreciate you stopping by and asking about me 💖

 

How about you, how are you doing?

[Mia1]

Thanks for the kind words and encouragement @KittenLePurr , I really do feel like I have this. It’s not perfect but I’m learning so much and I can’t believe how much I’ve grown in just a year. I’m certainly making up for lost time!!

[InChristAlone]

Hey Mia. I hope you are doing well today.

[Mia1]

Hi @InChristAlonethanks for stopping by!! I’m on my 2nd cut of Klonopin and it’s feeling pretty intense, I have a lot of physical symptoms. Going to push through and revisit how I feel in a month to decide my next step. Just keep trusting in the process and know that everyday I’m one step closer to healing.

[InChristAlone]

I hope the symptoms subside quickly!! Thank you for your words encouragement! 

[InChristAlone]

Thanks for stopping by my thread! How are you doing? 

[Mia1]

Hi @InChristAloneI appreciate you stopping by. I’m doing well, things seem to be leveling out from my last cut so it’s encouraging.

 

 I know you have tapered Klonopin as well, would you mind sharing more of your experience with me? How long were you on it and at what dose? How was the taper for you? 
 

I would appreciate any advice or experience you feel comfortable sharing!!

[InChristAlone]

I was on 1 mg of Klonopin twice a day for about 10 months. I have been holding at .1 mg twice a day for a little over 2 years. A psychiatrist told me I could stop taking Klonopin by tapering 0.5 mg per week for 4 weeks. This was before I found this site. I did that for a couple weeks and it made me physically sick. Then, I found Benzo Buddies at some point while I was going through that. I quit making big cuts at around taking .25mg per day. I got down to where I am at now before I switched over to tapering Effexor. 
 

I did at one point try once to taper Effexor and then Taper Klonopin 3 weeks later. That was a really bad idea. Since then I have spent about 2 years working g on the Effexor taper.

 

I wasn’t on the high dose of Klonopin very long, but I definitely felt the acute withdrawal effects of making big cuts. I don’t have much experience with the slow taper and I don’t think I saw a ton of emotional issues of tapering Klonopin the way I did. Of course, it’s tough to know what has brought in my recent wave or waves being that I CT quit Lexapro, very fast tapered Klonopin to where I’m at, and then proceeded to get in a hurry with my Effexor taper.

 

I do know that when I finish the Effexor taper I will take a good break before starting the Klonopin taper. Then, I’m going to go very very slow. I don’t think you can go too slow with it. 
 

I hope you have a good day!

[Mia1]

Thanks for sharing that @InChristAlone have a good day as well!!

[Lilmizz21]

@Mia1hi Mia, I have read your thread. I'm wondering did your Sensorimotor OCD calm down?

 

I also have developed this after withdrawing. I've never had it before.hope you are doing so well 

[Mia1]

Hi @Lilmizz21thanks for stopping by. As you’ve read I’ve experienced A LOT of OCD during this experience, nothing I’ve ever experienced before. Because I figured out how to overcome it by the time the sensorimotor OCD showed up I knew exactly what to do and as a result it only lasted about a week. It has come back a couple times now but it only ever lasts for about a week. 
 

Once I figured out what was happening I found the key to overcoming it was to accept it. I didn’t react to it, I allowed it to be there without giving it much attention. All emotions and feelings need our energy to stay around, if you don’t give it to them they won’t stick around.
 

Meditation has helped me tremendously with this and taught me not to be scared of my feelings or sensations in my body. In the stillness of meditation I was able to see it was my reaction to what was happening in my head and body that was causing my distress, never what was actually happening.
 

I just reduced another 5% of my Klonopin, I’m realizing after being on it for 22 years I’m going to have to go a little slower than I’d like. Listening to my body and being kind to myself were two of the many things I have learned on this journey.

 

 I hope you feel better soon, sending everyone healing and love. Never give up, we are all much stronger than we could possibly know ❤️‍🩹

[Mia1]

I’ve been experiencing an increase in akathisia (inner agitation and restlessness.) I ordered a weighted blanket and feel it’s going to help a lot with the tossing and turning I experience at night from feeling so uncomfortable. Will keep everyone posted. In the meantime I found this article on the helpful benefits of weighted blankets during psychiatric drug withdrawal:

 

https://withdrawal.theinnercompass.org/coping/weighted-blanket

 

Hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving, am grateful for this site and everyone on it 🧡🦃🍁

[Mia1]

Here are two quotes about recovery that I really love:

 

”It doesn’t matter how slowly you go as long as you don’t stop.” - Confucius

 

”The pain you feel today is the strength you feel tomorrow.” - Unknown 

 

Hope everyone realizes their strength today💖

[Mia1]

This was a really compassionate and informative video, thought I’d share.

 

[Mia1]

I recently started volunteering at a cat shelter because I realized I was becoming afraid of doing things that might activate my symptoms.  I find the work very therapeutic and it has given me the confidence to continue to live life as I heal. I hadn’t really realized how afraid I was of activating my symptoms. But that’s never the point, at least for me. The point is to not react to the symptoms, to allow space for them while you heal. And because I don’t react to the symptoms they come and go, they never stay long.

 

Right after I started the volunteering I got an offer for a part time job working with (ironically enough) people with brain injuries. I was not seeking employment at this time but the owner of the agency reached out and it checked all the boxes I would be looking for in a job. I have a second interview next week and feel pretty confident I’ll be offered the job and I decided I’m going to take it.

 

I’ve also started working on my book about getting off psych meds and healing trauma, I’ve written five chapters so far. I feel good about all these projects and I’m using the feelings that come up as an opportunity to keep growing. I still need a lot of downtime and rest but I know that’s not going to be my focus anymore. Neither are my symptoms. They’re just symptoms and will heal over time.
 

I also have to note that the other night I slept almost the entire night through; that hasn’t happened in two years. And I’m still symptomatic. I honestly believe it’s because I’m not reacting to the symptoms anymore. It wasn’t easy to get here and it took a lot of work on acceptance but it was well worth it. I feel for the first time since I started this journey that I have my life back. 
 

So I’m going to take an indefinite break from this site to immerse myself in this life of mine. I wish everyone the best on their journey and encourage you all to keep moving forward, healing is just around the corner. ❤️
 

 

[Mia1]

I wanted to stop by today and share my favorite poem of all time written by Rudyard Kipling called If. Sending everyone healing vibes and positivity. Hang in there ❤️
 

If you can keep your head when all about you   

    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,   

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

    But make allowance for their doubting too;   

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

    Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,

Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,

    And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

 

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;   

    If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;   

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

    And treat those two impostors just the same;   

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken

    Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

    And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

 

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

    And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

    And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

    To serve your turn long after they are gone,   

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

    Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

 

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,   

    Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

    If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

    With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,   

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,   

    And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

[Ariel]

@Mia1

Just stopping by to say hello.

Awesome that you're writing a book about getting off psych meds and healing trauma! What is that process like for you? Are you working on it on your own or do you participate in a writers' group of some sort? I look forward to reading it when you are ready to share it with the world. In the meantime I'm very grateful for all that you so generously share here! You help so many members here at SA, including me, and I'm sure your book will reach out and touch even more people. 

Thank you also for sharing your favorite poem. I don't think I've ever read it before. I enjoyed it.

Peace-filled wishes, all the best to you,

A. 

[Mia1]

Hi @Ariel,

Thanks for stopping by and thank you for your kind words, I really appreciate it.

 

 I just got the idea to write a book one day because of everything I was learning on this journey. It’s a solo effort and I’ve written about five chapters so far but have put a pause on it for now while I’m actively tapering. 
 

How are you doing?