KittenLePurr: Tapering Celexa to End a Long, Sordid History with Toxicants (Especially Psych Meds)

[Ariel]

On 5/7/2021 at 4:23 PM, KittenLePurr said:

I did make a big chicken soup one time when my stomach was particularly upset, and I made the mistake of using bone broth--don't do it! Lol. Not sure if you're into bone broth anyway but it's high in glutamine, which is excitatory

 

Hi @KittenLePurr

I've been reading through your thread. Thank you for sharing your journey, it is awe-inspiring to follow. You have been through so much, I am sorry for your suffering. I'm amazed at your strength and courage, you've come so far. Wow. 

 

I'm curious about what you mentioned about bone broth being high in glutamine, which is excitatory. Could you say more about how this works and what it means? I'm not sure I understand. 

Also if it's too cumbersome to elaborate or you just don't feel like responding for whatever reason, that's cool, too. No pressure.

 

Thank you for your contributions here. Your posts are so helpful.

A.

 

[Mia1]

Hi @KittenLePurr,

It’s good to hear from you!!

On 4/26/2022 at 5:33 PM, KittenLePurr said:

They didn't mess up a UA again but they called me in randomly to count my meds and I was like "I'm done being treated like a prisoner.

I’m really sorry about this, you work so hard on your recovery so I want to acknowledge that you’re doing an amazing job!! I’m laughing a little too because we’re similar in our responses. 
 

As much as you want to be done with the methadone program (and I understand!!) make sure that you’re doing it in a way that’s safe and comfortable for you. Remember, it’s about harm reduction and you don’t want to end up with a long recovery time. 
 

This could be a really good opportunity to observe what your mind is telling you about this experience and use it as a guide to address those areas that are being triggered. You could look at this whole situation as a gift from the universe acknowledging how strong you are and feeling you’re ready for more challenges. I don’t believe anything happens by chance. 

 

Either way though you’re totally right when you say you’ve got this, you really do!! 
 

If you don’t mind me asking what is your current Celexa dose? Also, if you continue to taper the methadone will it always be 1 mg cuts each week? 

 

On 4/26/2022 at 5:33 PM, KittenLePurr said:

 How are you finding it? Are you taking on a fair amount of work?

I was initially going to work 14 hours but then decided 10 hours was more realistic when I started tapering Klonopin again. And I’ll keep reassessing to see what’s best but as you so aptly stated one day at a time!! I do like it though and the whole experience is really laid back. It’s funny because when I was first contacted about working my initial response in my head was like no way can I handle that but then a deeper part of me knew that the universe was giving me this opportunity so I just trusted that whatever happened it would be a good experience. It’s really crazy how much of our reality we create through our attitudes and perception.

Keep me posted on how your taper is going!!

[KittenLePurr]

12 hours ago, Ariel said:

 

Hi @KittenLePurr

I've been reading through your thread. Thank you for sharing your journey, it is awe-inspiring to follow. You have been through so much, I am sorry for your suffering. I'm amazed at your strength and courage, you've come so far. Wow. 
 

Thank you ❤️ It's definitely a journey...I actually just grieved the death of my former boyfriend when the anniversary passed on April 5th and it hit me hard this year...I think because I opened up that wound when doing some healing last year and I've since felt his presence and seen him in dreams. Always learning, always growing.  Learning to dance in the rain...

12 hours ago, Ariel said:

 

I'm curious about what you mentioned about bone broth being high in glutamine, which is excitatory. Could you say more about how this works and what it means? I'm not sure I understand. 

Also if it's too cumbersome to elaborate or you just don't feel like responding for whatever reason, that's cool, too. No pressure.

 

Thank you for your contributions here. Your posts are so helpful.

A.

 

Totally. So I actually just had to refresh my memory because I always confused glutamine and glutamate--and I really don't know a whole lot about it, either, but I have had not-great experiences with bone broth and am not sure if that will pass. Could be it's psychosomatic at this point--not sure!

 

But yeah, so glutamine is an amino acid that's good for gut health, and glutamate is a neurotransmittor used in learning and memory, I've read, and glutamate can be excitatory and make some people anxious. And it's found in both bone broth and kombucha.

 

Basically I heard that bit about bone broth and glutamine from someone who'd gone through benzo withdrawal a while back and forgot about it until, in the middle of my Klonipin taper, I decided to take my gut health more seriously (I already ate paleo but not things like bone broth or sauerkraut or other "gut health" targeted foods, really) and decided to make a big chicken soup with bone broth. Afterward, I couldn't sleep and just felt so wired, anxious and strange the next day, I thought I'd messed up my dose or something; it was really noticeable. But I didn't connect the dots right away and ate the soup again until, the day after that, it hit me and I stopped eating the soup and the feeling went away overnight. Since then, I've tried drinking half a bottle of kombucha and had the same experience, even over a year after finishing my Klonipin taper. So I don't know if that's just me, or it's psychosomatic, or if Celexa w/d is causing it too.

 

Apparently bone broth and kombucha both contain what's called "free glutamate," which some people are sensitive to. Many people aren't, though. And it isn't necessarily "unhealthy," unless you have super high amount--although there's a debate over that (as with everything health-related!) I hope to one day be able to enjoy bone broth and kombucha again...

[KittenLePurr]

3 hours ago, Mia1 said:

Hi @KittenLePurr,

It’s good to hear from you!!

I’m really sorry about this, you work so hard on your recovery so I want to acknowledge that you’re doing an amazing job!! I’m laughing a little too because we’re similar in our responses. 
 

As much as you want to be done with the methadone program (and I understand!!) make sure that you’re doing it in a way that’s safe and comfortable for you. Remember, it’s about harm reduction and you don’t want to end up with a long recovery time. 
 

This could be a really good opportunity to observe what your mind is telling you about this experience and use it as a guide to address those areas that are being triggered. You could look at this whole situation as a gift from the universe acknowledging how strong you are and feeling you’re ready for more challenges. I don’t believe anything happens by chance. 

Thank you, @Mia1; I've thought the same thing about "why." I mean, when I first found out I could only do 5mg cuts I was like There is no WAY and "why?? I'm STUCK." And now it feels like, even though I'm not sure how it's going to go and I need to really take it slow and take my well-being into my own hands with it, not having the option to do little 1mg/month cuts means if I'm doing this, I'm serious about it. And that's not really a "bad" thing...because I probably said this, but I got way comfortable and could totally drag this out way beyond where I would actually need to. And I don't want that. Also don't want to rush it and throw off my system, of course. So I'm just taking it slow.

 

And yes, totally, the situation got me to look at where I feel I'm powerless, controlled, oppressed, victimized. The always universe gives you what you need to go deeper inward! There are so many ways I give my power away, revel in my victimhood, play a martyr and play small. I've been journaling about this a lot and looking at areas where I feel like I don't have a choice but if I really look deeper, I totally do. even if it's small, and even if I don't like my choices. And maybe I subconsciously manifest situations that feel like I don't have a choice because I want to reaffirm my story😱 I mean, I totally do. I own that! It's wild. Baby steps to shift that. My mind has many tricks up its sleeves but I'm remembering to slow down and watch the thoughts and let them go. Got some flower essences that are helping, and helping my sleep. 

 

I'm sleeping fine but averaging about 6 hours a night, which doesn't feel awesome. Last night I got about 7.5 and I woke up like YES!! So that was a nice change, and right before my period, when I usually get like 5-6 hrs. Trying not to expect the same tonight and just go with it. 

 

3 hours ago, Mia1 said:

If you don’t mind me asking what is your current Celexa dose? Also, if you continue to taper the methadone will it always be 1 mg cuts each week? 

So I'm paused at this weird number, I believe it's 7.3mg Celexa. Using a liquid dilution of 10mg/20ml and removing 5.4ml. Wish I'd gotten to a more even number before but c'est la vie, and I should probably get a better syringe or maybe a pipette set...

 

And good question. I'm gonna have to play it by ear...I did go ahead and lower my methadone dose 1 more mg this morning because it's been just over a week and usually I feel it on the 7th day, and I've been feeling fine, albeit a bit fatigued and irritable still. But I realized I'm also about the start, and I've had some PMS symptoms every month the few days before. So that's actually not at all out of the ordinary. So it's going well so far. Thing is, once I get down to, like, 20 or 15 or fewer mg, it'll feel harder, and 1mg/wk might not feel doable. The fact that I have to take methadone while someone watches me once a month complicates things...because if I step down my dose over the course of the month at home but then go back to the clinic and take the full dose including that which I cut (if, say, the clinic says "You can't decrease again until you talk to the doctor," which they said might happen at some point, which is totally annoying but whatever...or if they lose the paperwork or something and make me wait to reduce another 5 til the next month), I'll have to restart at the dose they gave me, right? Or does one day of raising the does back up not get your system re-accustomed to that dose? May just have to find out for myself😬 Gently though.

3 hours ago, Mia1 said:

I was initially going to work 14 hours but then decided 10 hours was more realistic when I started tapering Klonopin again. And I’ll keep reassessing to see what’s best but as you so aptly stated one day at a time!! I do like it though and the whole experience is really laid back. It’s funny because when I was first contacted about working my initial response in my head was like no way can I handle that but then a deeper part of me knew that the universe was giving me this opportunity so I just trusted that whatever happened it would be a good experience. It’s really crazy how much of our reality we create through our attitudes and perception.

SO proud of you for embracing this and listening to your body ❤️ I'm glad it's laidback and doesn't feel like "forcing." But our attitudes and perception do create our lives, so if you're not in victimhood, it's not going to feel forced or suffocating. I'm really trying that on, asking if my thoughts are true, aasking if my perceptions are true, and looking for ways that *I* and framing something as "bad" or oppressive. It's not always an easy task!! Lemme tell ya. But it's a process. What exactly are you doing again, if you don't mind me asking?

 

Good to catch up with you and thank again, always, for your support!! ❤️ 

[Ariel]

Hi KLP,

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

 

My heart goes out to you in your grief. I'm sorry for your loss.

 

Good to know about glutamine/glutamate, thank you. 

 

Peace,

A.

[KittenLePurr]

17 hours ago, Ariel said:

Hi KLP,

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

 

My heart goes out to you in your grief. I'm sorry for your loss.

 

Good to know about glutamine/glutamate, thank you. 

 

Peace,

A.

Of course. And thank you❤️ And congrats on being drug free!!!

[Ariel]

1 hour ago, KittenLePurr said:

congrats on being drug free!!!

Thanks, KLP.

It's funny, when I read your congrats there was a thought: I don't deserve that, I CT'ed, no accomplishment there... 

The thought surprised me; but it's true that I have so much respect for slow taper-ers, it seems like they/you really earn their/your stripes. 

Lol, isn't it ridiculous what the monkey mind comes up with? Comparing and contrasting, blah blah blah.

We're all going through it in our own singular ways. 

You really are amazing, though. The patience, strength, courage, fortitude required in a slow taper blows me away.

 

[Mia1]

20 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

because I probably said this, but I got way comfortable and could totally drag this out way beyond where I would actually need to.

I totally get this!!

20 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

Got some flower essences that are helping, and helping my sleep. 

If you don’t mind me asking what do you use?

20 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

So it's going well so far. Thing is, once I get down to, like, 20 or 15 or fewer mg, it'll feel harder, and 1mg/wk might not feel doable.

That’s amazing you’re feeling okay so far!! And if it does become more difficult and you feel you need to pause or go slower at least you’re lowering your dose, which is always a big plus!! You’re good at listening to your body so keep doing what works for you.

20 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

I'll have to restart at the dose they gave me, right? Or does one day of raising the does back up not get your system re-accustomed to that dose? May just have to find out for myself😬 Gently though.

It’s not ideal to take a larger dose, even if it’s just one day. This whole system sounds very convoluted. They won’t let you taper 10%? You need permission to taper? I’m not familiar with how the program works but that sounds insane, YOU should be able to decide when you’re ready to lower your dose. 
 

 

20 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

It's not always an easy task!! Lemme tell ya. But it's a process. What exactly are you doing again, if you don't mind me asking?

Thanks for the encouragement, I really appreciate it. I work with people who have acquired brain injuries, ironic right? It’s a toss between counseling and case management, social work type stuff.

 

How is your work going? Any more new jobs or clients? Have any plans for the summer?

[KittenLePurr]

On 4/29/2022 at 9:58 AM, Mia1 said:

If you don’t mind me asking what do you use?

I'm using the Quiet Mind elixir and serum from LotusWei.com. I LOVE their products. Some haven't made a huge, noticeable difference but some are like WHOA.

On 4/29/2022 at 9:58 AM, Mia1 said:

It’s not ideal to take a larger dose, even if it’s just one day. This whole system sounds very convoluted. They won’t let you taper 10%? You need permission to taper? I’m not familiar with how the program works but that sounds insane, YOU should be able to decide when you’re ready to lower your dose. 
 

SUCH a convoluted system. And a truly horrible system that is not set up for remission, healing, or discontinuation. Methadone is SO strictly controlled by the government because people can overdose easily and I guess they used to (since it takes so long to peak, people will double the dose when they don't feel it and can then OD) so yeah, the only place methadone can be prescribed for addiction treatment is these clinics, and the clinics are extremely controlling. This clinic is much more controlling than my old one, though. I think because my old one was just a small Mom n Pop clinic and this one is owned by a bigger company. Or maybe the city is just crazier, who knows. 

 

At my old clinic, the methadone was a liquid, so they could taper smaller amounts. But apparently having liquid dispenser is expensive, and since my new clinic is in a smaller city, they have a cheaper option, which is wafer pills. Each wafer is 40mg, and it's difficult to break them into any smaller than 8 pieces or else they literally crumble (and sometimes they crumble when you just break them into the perforated quarters.) So that's why they won't let me decrease in smaller doses than 5mg (that's an 8th of the wafer) because the wafer will crumble and they won't let you "doctor" it by making a liquid solution.

 

Methadone is treated like harm reduction, and it does serve a great purpose for that. It definitely helped save my life. But yeah, as you can see, it's not set up for people to get off of it. People come in off the street, addicted to heroin, so they start taking 80mg + a day, for which the 40mg wafers work well. But then there isn't any true recovery...the system doesn't have anything to offer, just like allopathic medicine doesn't have anything to offer us when we're depressed, wrought with anxiety, or have other mental issues. I guess hardly anyone really conquers their addiction to the point where they want out. And because of the stupid, controlling laws and the fact that they treat everyone like untrustworthy junkies even if they've clearly proven that they no longer are, they literally watch you take your dose every time you come to the clinic and won't let you freely choose your dose. Doctor knows best😠 (Where's the eyeroll emoji when you need it?)

 

Anyway, there are doctors who prescribe suboxone, another harm reduction medication, and I've been thinking about trying to switch to that. Only thing is it's an antagonist, so if I were going to switch, I'd have to go full-on into methadone withdrawal before switching or else it kicks you into precipitated w/d, which I've accidentally done to myself illicitly back in the day, and it is H.O.R.R.I.F.I.C. Lol. And those docs might not be in my small town, and could be expensive, so I dunno for sure if it's an option. But if it is, I could control my taper a little more and go slower.

 

I felt like I started having withdrawal symptoms totally out of the  blue all of a sudden last night, like a buzzing and shaking going all through my body after dinner. But maybe it was my mind?? I feel it again today now that my methadone peaked and waned. It doesn't really make sense for it to not affect me all month and kick in right now, though, so it might be anxiety because my partner's parents are coming to visit this weekend and I'm not really feelin' it. I almost got sucked into a destructive thought spiral but I caught myself and grounded back into the moment and I think I'm ok. But it's a moment by moment thing. Just trying to keep breathing and going through my to-do list. Lost on there...

On 4/29/2022 at 9:58 AM, Mia1 said:

 

Thanks for the encouragement, I really appreciate it. I work with people who have acquired brain injuries, ironic right? It’s a toss between counseling and case management, social work type stuff.

That sounds like it could be really fulfilling! Still going well? Is it satisfying work?

On 4/29/2022 at 9:58 AM, Mia1 said:

 

How is your work going? Any more new jobs or clients? Have any plans for the summer?

I'm just hoping I get to feel calm at the beach a lot this summer  I did get a new blogging client last month, although I quoted too low for how long the blog posts take me but it's not all bad. It's been great practice and learning, and now I have blog posts in my portfolio so that's good! I got to feeling really discouraged about work and finances but that's starting to shift because I'm getting more blog assignments from that client and reaching out to other businesses. Oh and I'm writing a website for an old acquaintance and discovered that I really enjoy writing website copy!🤓 It's my absolute favorite writing project I've done so far. Something about creating the brand story and inspirational messaging for the About Us page. So that's been really exciting to discover I enjoy it so much!

[Greatful]

@KittenLePurr  Hi- sounds like you are doing okay- what ever that is lol-

How often are you going to try cutting methadone? You really are doing a fantastic job♥️

I want to touch base with you about leaning  and healing from trauma-

I finally got the book Your Body Keeps Score and  wow it sure answered some things for me--Have you read it?  I recommend it.  It was a validation and gave me insight as to why I am the way I am--I am getting to the part of leaning how to heal from it....

Sound wonderful to be able to spend time at the beach- what a calming way to spend your time-

 

Sending you a hug🤗

 

 

[KittenLePurr]

On 5/13/2022 at 4:35 PM, Greatful said:

@KittenLePurr  Hi- sounds like you are doing okay- what ever that is lol-

How often are you going to try cutting methadone? You really are doing a fantastic job♥️

Hey, good to hear from you  Yeah, doing ok. I started feeling kind of terrible during the day last week on and off, getting waves of intense fatigue and general malaise, so managing that while trying to get work done has been a challenge! It always seems to clear around 6pm in time for dinner and getting ready for bed, and I'm sleeping well. And yesterday, I didn't get any waves, so that's been interesting. Especially because nothing changed and I've still been tapering. *shrug* 

 

I've been cutting 1mg per week so far. Since the clinic is strict and difficult. I'm toying with different options going forward because 1mg/week will likely (definitely?!) start feeling like too much at some point. But so from 30mg, I dropped 5 mg over a 4-week period, which is obviously more than 10% and aside from a few waves during which I felt like it was too much until I took a walk, took deep breaths and/or did some EFT/tapping, I've been doing really well. So far. The clinic will only do 5mg cuts until the very end, at which point they'll maybe do 2.5mg cuts, so I'm considering asking a doctor who takes my insurance if he/she will help me out. Doctors can't legally prescribe methadone for addiciton treatment but they can prescribe it for chronic pain, so I'm toying with the idea of explaining my situation and the fact that I don't struggle with addiction anymore and hopefully, a doc will prescribe it and help me taper at a more reasonable pace. Like 10% a month lol. Doesn't seem that much to ask right? 

On 5/13/2022 at 4:35 PM, Greatful said:

I want to touch base with you about leaning  and healing from trauma-

I finally got the book Your Body Keeps Score and  wow it sure answered some things for me--Have you read it?  I recommend it.  It was a validation and gave me insight as to why I am the way I am--I am getting to the part of leaning how to heal from it....

I've read about half of it, yeah. I can't remember why I didn't finish it. It's a fantastic book! I think he recommends somatic experiencing, which I've been wanting to do for a long time. You can kinda do it on your own with somatic meditation. Better with a therapist though, I'm sure. 

On 5/13/2022 at 4:35 PM, Greatful said:

Sound wonderful to be able to spend time at the beach- what a calming way to spend your time-

 

Sending you a hug🤗

 

 

Hugs to you! How are you feeling?

[Ariel]

Wow, @KittenLePurr

You are a world class taper-er! I am in awe of your patience and perseverance. 

Good to read your update. Congratulations on all your hard work!

Go go KLP! * waves pom-poms *

<3

[Mia1]

On 5/13/2022 at 12:35 PM, KittenLePurr said:

'm using the Quiet Mind elixir and serum from LotusWei.com.

Thanks for sharing, I actually went on their website and took the quiz and the results were so spot on I ended up ordering True Strength. It’s only been a couple days but I already feel more grounded. And I only take it 1-2 times a day, not the recommended 5 times. 
 

 

On 5/13/2022 at 12:35 PM, KittenLePurr said:

That sounds like it could be really fulfilling! Still going well? Is it satisfying work?

I’ve actually been in the Social Work field for about 25 years so it’s similar to what I had been doing. I took some time off before COVID so it’s something I was going to get back to eventually, I just never thought it would be during my Klonopin taper, lol.

 

But my clients are great, it’s for the most part fun and barely feels like work. I even increased my hours from 10 to 16 a week and will consider going to 20 but that will be my limit. I posted an update on my thread but needless to say my taper is going well and I’m actually going to be finished with it in November. And then the final healing!!

 

It sounds like you have a nice summer planned and things are going well, I’m so happy for you!! Keep on keeping on 💖

[Greatful]

@KittenLePurr

How are you doing? 🤗

[Mia1]

Hi KLP, wanted to stop by and see how you’re doing. How’s the taper coming along?

[KittenLePurr]

Can't believe it's September...I keep meaning to get on here and spacing out. And so much has happened! Where to start...

 

Well, back in July, I got this huge and very lucrative freelance writing gig (yay! Although it was a stressful nightmare, in a way, but big learning opportunity and great pay.) So I paused my tapering to make sure I could focus as much as possible. I also got some brain-boosting nootropics, which may or may not have led to my high blood pressure diagnosis a month later...

 

So in July, after I turned in all those articles, I finally got approval from my insurance and TX Workforce to get my sinus surgery (my insurance sucks and would only pay for part of it, but my doctor helped me work it out with the unemployment office--who knew they did that! Super cool.) So I held my dose, and in the meantime, I went to see a new doctor to see if I could get methadone from her instead of the clinic. She said she wasn't allowed to prescribe it (technically not true, but probably just too much of a headache for her to deal with so I can't really blame her) but that I had high blood pressure and needed medication. I refused meds, of course, because no more meds for me, and I thought my bp was just high because my surgery was coming up in a couple of days and I was FREAKED to say the least.

 

Got through the surgery just fine, but it was definitely a trauma. My whole face broke out in acne which I know was connected. I do not like Western medicine!! But I've been a horrible Afrin addict for years and I'm happy to say that I'm 6 weeks out from my surgery and am officially Afrin-free! I still get pretty congested at night, but my sinuses are still healing so that should improve over the next couple months. I'm managing with saline and snore strips for now.

 

Anyway, my blood pressure has still been high, which has been frustrating and alarming since I do all the healthy things. Including several supplements that generally lower blood pressure. I stopped the nootropics, and bp has come down a little bit. Not a lot though. My fiance and I kept getting in fights because I refused to go see another conventional doctor--especially after the one who refused methadone and tried to put me on bp meds, because she was so conventional she wouldn't even hear that diet had anything to do with anything and literally told me, "It's not up to you, it's up to me, and you need medication..." So I was like I am not seeing another fear mongerer! Finally I compromised and agreed to see a naturopath. My appointment with her is on Monday so hopefully she can help me figure out what's up and bring it down a bit more. It was 152/95 today, which isn't awesome but better than it was.

 

That alarmist doctor also told me if I started tapering methadone with high blood pressure I would die (in so many words.) Been doing my best not to take that in at all. Because I know doctors don't actually know about tapering, although I have read that methadone w/d can elevate blood pressure. But I'm practicing being there for my scared inner child and trusting this is all part of my path. Man, it's hard sometimes! Especially in w/d.

 

And I really want to be done with the methadone and clinic, so I did resume tapering. Cutting another 5mg this month, since that's all they'll do. I'm reducing 1.25mg/week at home so that when I go back to the clinic in about 3 weeks, I'll be at 20mg. Last week was pretty rough because I could only seem to sleep about 4 hrs at night and that's if I took a Bendryl on top of all my natural supplements...without the Benadryl, I was waking up constantly and got less than that.

 

I've got small but consistent writing work from a couple of different clients, and it's excruciating and sometimes impossible to do when I've barely slept and can't think straight. That and the mild akathisia in the early mornings last week had me pretty freaked out and upset...but then I realized it was a full moon, and that often gives me insomnia. The full moon passed, and I started sleeping better and have been more able to work and function. Still have akathisia sometimes in the early morning, or even at night if I start thinking about it. Thinking about it always makes it worse! How do you do it, @Mia1?? Yours is probably way worse than mine. I definitely want to get better at relating to it with compassion and patience before it gets worse. It's one of the biggest w/d symptoms with opioids/opiates and back in the day when I was an addict and the akathisia was brutal, I would just flail and kick and scream and cry and go running around the block...probably won't do that when it's dark here since we're out in the wilderness now😬 

 

This was a long one. Thanks for reading if you made it this far! Some days are better than others, but today is a good day and I was able to do some extra dancing without getting too exhausted. That's my primary source of intentional movement now because it's fun and doesn't feel like a chore. Sometimes I'm too tired for it though...

[KittenLePurr]

I've also noticed that my impulse control has been a challenge lately. Not in a dangerous sense but in a sense that when I feel an urge to obsess over something, it has gotten even way, way harder to resist. That could be jumping on the anxious thought train or even online shopping. I literally wasted this morning obsessively researching organic cotton bedding and coordinating curtains because I decided to decorate my bedroom, and the compulsion to find "the perfect decor" has been absolutely overwhelming. This isn't a new behavior. And I'm so picky and have so much money fear, I rarely actually buy anything and never find anything that's perfect enough. So then I'll eventually buying something just because, and then I realize I don't like it and get overwhelmed with regret. Been doing some work on my relationship with money lately and am probably stirring the obsessions with finding perfect material objects up, but it applies to researching for projects and editing my writing too, which negatively impacts my business, obviously.😐 Anyone else relate to this? It's frustrating. 

[Mia1]

Hi KLP it's great to hear from you, sounds like you're doing really well overall!! I know the surgery was a big deal so I'm happy it went well and it's done now. I think it's like you said with the doctor, they just don't understand the withdrawal process and what it does to our bodies (not to mention our minds!!) I would be hesitant myself to make any big decisions like that because a lot of these problems are caused by the withdrawal process and will fix themselves when we are healed. And in the meantime at least you're going to a naturopath.

 

I laughed out loud when I read how do I handle the akathisia. Well if this journey has taught me anything it's not to struggle against or fight what is. I think because I have been functionally sick for so long now I've just learned to live with it; I allow it some space to be there so I can still live my life and enjoy things. When you get past all the chatter in the mind of how it's so intense and uncomfortable it's really just an intense feeling/sensation. That's it. I can fight it or accept it. One choice brings me peace and the other suffering. It has taken me a long time to choose peace. I think it's like coming to terms with a chronic illness only thankfully I'm going to be fully healed one day. My daily meditation practice really helps, are you still meditating?

 

I can totally relate to the obsessive behaviors and ruminations. I'm doing some home renovations and I found myself just obsessing over every aspect of it to the point that it actually did disrupt my sleep one night. When I get like this I realize it's actually about control and I have to let it go. It's not easy, especially with the physical pull to obsess and ruminate but that's how I mange it. Just do your part and trust that everything is going to work out and let go. And remind yourself it's actually self love to do that. I sometimes think I have to do everything and I'm learning that's simply not the case.

 

It was so great catching up with you, I hope you continue to post your experience, strength and hope 🧡

[KittenLePurr]

On 9/16/2022 at 9:29 AM, Mia1 said:

Hi KLP it's great to hear from you, sounds like you're doing really well overall!! I know the surgery was a big deal so I'm happy it went well and it's done now. I think it's like you said with the doctor, they just don't understand the withdrawal process and what it does to our bodies (not to mention our minds!!) I would be hesitant myself to make any big decisions like that because a lot of these problems are caused by the withdrawal process and will fix themselves when we are healed. And in the meantime at least you're going to a naturopath.

Yes I've missed catching up with you all! And great point: the body will heal on its own. You know when I said that, that methadone w/d raises bp, I was really only thinking that as I taper more, my bp could go up more--not that it's higher because of the tapering. That could totally be, although I wonder, since I've been at the same dose since sometime in June. Maybe even the end of May; I don't actually remember. There's just that old fear of death from stroke/heart attack. Which I still have. Like, "What if I have a stroke before I'm done tapering?!" Those what if thoughts again...UGH.

 

My bp has been so high at doctors' offices a couple of times, the staff was alarmed and so was my fiancé, hence the arguments and him wanting me to go to a doctor. It was like 170/115 one day. 🤯 But I was all anxious, and developing a mini-complex around taking your bp doesn't help you get an accurate reading! So I don't totally trust the readings. Just been trying not to take that fear in. I follow this holistic health practitioner named Dr. Tom Cowan, and he's done a tone of studying and even wrote a book about the heart (Human Heart, Cosmic Heart--I haven't read it yet but he's a super smart dude so I bet it's awesome) and he says bp numbers aren't nearly as predictive of stroke/heart attack as we've been told, and that if you're over 30, it can be perfectly healthy to have over 130 systolic bp. Basically 100+your age is ok. This isn't medical advice for anyone reading or anything but it's brought me a lot of peace to keep that in mind.😁

 

Anyway, tangent. But my bp is lower now, and I'm hoping this naturopath is helpful. I've always wanted to go to one and felt too much money stress about it, so I'm kind of excited to meet with her. 

 

Did I mention I'm also seeing a new therapist next Wed? It'll be my first time in therapy in my adult life...unless you count the therapist I had briefly when I was in my addiction, but I only saw her maybe 5 times. As a kid I did lots of talk therapy, of course, being on meds. This therapist uses Internal Family Systems and somatic experiencing, 2 modalities I've been highly interested in for years now. I'm beyond stoked. She seems perfect for me. Anyway, healing trauma helps everything, so while it may not help lower bp directly, I bet good things are to come.🙌

On 9/16/2022 at 9:29 AM, Mia1 said:

 

I laughed out loud when I read how do I handle the akathisia. Well if this journey has taught me anything it's not to struggle against or fight what is. I think because I have been functionally sick for so long now I've just learned to live with it; I allow it some space to be there so I can still live my life and enjoy things. When you get past all the chatter in the mind of how it's so intense and uncomfortable it's really just an intense feeling/sensation. That's it. I can fight it or accept it. One choice brings me peace and the other suffering. It has taken me a long time to choose peace. I think it's like coming to terms with a chronic illness only thankfully I'm going to be fully healed one day. My daily meditation practice really helps, are you still meditating?

Thanks for sharing that--it seems so far off! To my surprise, the akathisia has calmed down quite a bit, which I can't explain, because I cut another 1.25mg on Wed. I think the full moon just makes everything more intense for me, messing up my sleep and stirring up a bunch of shite. If I really think about it in the early mornings though, I can still sense a little stir of it, and I've just been distracting myself. I am still meditating and practicing watching/accepting symptoms and choosing peace and wellness. I just feel like the aspect of needing to move makes it different. Because with my chronic pain, which has definitely gotten a lot more intense over the past couple months, I can still relax all my muscles and lie there, still, while I observe and let go. But with akathisia it's like my body's screaming to move so I can't relax. You don't try to stay still, right? You just accept that you need to move/kick/flail while choosing peace? GAH seems so hard. But it is mostly the mental chatter, isn't it...saying OMG IT'S SO UNCOMFORTABLE I HAVE TO GET UP AND I DON'T WANT TO. That was the worst part of heroin w/d...being so drained, all you want to do is lie in bed and not move a muscle, but the akathisia's so intense you have to start running around! I wonder how this will compare to that. Probably not nearly as intense, at least for a while...

On 9/16/2022 at 9:29 AM, Mia1 said:

 

I can totally relate to the obsessive behaviors and ruminations. I'm doing some home renovations and I found myself just obsessing over every aspect of it to the point that it actually did disrupt my sleep one night. When I get like this I realize it's actually about control and I have to let it go. It's not easy, especially with the physical pull to obsess and ruminate but that's how I mange it. Just do your part and trust that everything is going to work out and let go. And remind yourself it's actually self love to do that. I sometimes think I have to do everything and I'm learning that's simply not the case.

Omgosh yes you totally get it. There are so many things to focus in on, all these little details and too many options. And What if it's not just right??!! I went on another obsessive online browsing spree this morning and my fiance was like "You're creating something that has no end, ever." And I went Oh ****. I don't wanna do this forever! It really is like a physical pull. It is so hard to resist. I did a meditation about obsessive thinking the other day, really just observing them and letting them go, reiterating that I have the power over them, not the other way around. And I still keep getting caught up. We went to the beach today and I was sitting there in the ocean, one of my favorite places to be, thinking about curtains and how I need to make sure they look good with whatever bedding I end up getting and how will I afford it all, blahblahblah...! 😶 A beautiful day outside and that's where I'm at! And then I got self-conscious in front of my man and started plotting to browse more in secret, just like it was an addiction! That was a weird wake-up moment. 

 

About control. That's what perfectionism is, right? I'm such a perfectionist. You might not know it, since my self-deprecation dragon keeps me from even starting a lot of things! But that's part of why I hesitate to try things: if it can't be absolutely perfect, it's a failure to that part of me, so I don't even try. What a muddled mess🤪 Yes I'll be mentioning that to my therapist next week😬🤣 Anyway thanks for highlighting that. Glad you're managing it well too. Right, we don't have to do everything...that's what support is for and we are being supported.

On 9/16/2022 at 9:29 AM, Mia1 said:

 

It was so great catching up with you, I hope you continue to post your experience, strength and hope 🧡

Happy to catch up with you @Mia1and again, just so amazed by your resilience!! I think of you anytime a symptom starts getting to me. I'm like Mia1 just accepts and lets it go--can I do that? Can I sit with it, choose peace, and keep going?  Still feeling pretty good today, and kinda surprised again, since I just did another cut. I actually had a dream last night that I was further into my taper and doing so well that the symptoms seemed like they would suddenly catch up with me so I needed to slow down. I wonder if that's a premonition or simply a worry? Probably just a worry, but...hoping that's the case. Hugs! ❤️ 

[KittenLePurr]

Hey all. So I've been feeling really angry and aggro, and my sleep is iffy again now that I'm approaching my cycle which kinda always causes that. Still taking Benadryl to get to sleep when it feels really elusive and I have work to do the next day, plus doing EFT tapping to fall asleep. I started doing that right after my surgery, since trying to meditate when I couldn't breathe out of my nose whatsoever felt impossibly uncomfortable and scary. Doing A LOT of tapping lately. Paired with meditation and acceptance, it's extremely helpful. And I'm still quick to react in frustration, anger, and a kind of victimy hurt. Trying to just roll with it.

 

I had a first appointment with the naturopath...I didn't love her personality-wise, and I was in a very sensitized state anyway, being tired, hormonal and in mild w/d, so that was a really emotional day. In hindsight, I can see I was going in, expecting someone maternal who would tell me I was going to be OK, even though no one ever said that's what I should expect, so that's on me. I own that. Never expect that from a health professional--even a natural one, OK??🤣 We're all just doing our best, and medicine is a practice. Anyway. So I found her kind of grating and felt kind of unseen/misunderstood and wasn't sure if that was her not listening or me being sensitive. (She did talk over me a lot, though. Probably going to look for someone else and do a Zoom visit, since she's the only naturopathic doc within about 50 mi.)

 

All that said, I'm trying to remain open to her recommendations. She's still going to send them to me after consulting with a partner who's more familiar with homeopathy. It's probably still good to have an outside perspective. 

 

She thinks I'm on too many supplements and could be overloading my liver, which in Chinese medicine is the root of all wellness. Which might make sense. I am on a lot of thing. But she also clearly doesn't understand medication tapering/withdrawal and didn't understand how I take multiple herbs/supplements with calming effects and still have anxiety/insomnia. Which felt almost judgy. Maybe that's just me? I don't know. Seeing where this goes and just reminding myself that it's not a time for huge decisions, and it's safe to trust my own inner guidance when outside guidance feels like it doesn't address my needs. 

 

Was feeling extremely exhausted and moody earlier but then I had my first session with a new therapist--my first therapy session in my adult life, aside from a few odd ones in my addiction--and it was AWESOME. Totally turned my day around once I got out all the pain and tears and explored what came up after. My therapist is awesome and so is Internal Family Systems. Anyone else done that? It was a REALLY powerful experience. Going to hold onto this feeling as long as it lasts and then ride the wave of whatever comes after. 

 

 

[Mia1]

17 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

I've been feeling really angry and aggro, and my sleep is iffy again now that I'm approaching my cycle which kinda always causes that. Still taking Benadryl to get to sleep

I can SO relate to this, one of my biggest issues continues to be neuro anger. I'm just avoiding certain people at this point because it almost feels like I have no control over it and it's been super activating.

 

I think I've mastered the art of sleeping because I'm going through the worst of my withdrawal right now and sleep every night. The key for me was not worrying about it AT ALL. Easier said than done, believe me I know. But if you can not worry about it or how you're going to feel the next day you will retrain your brain that it's not a big deal and then you will sleep. You will always have enough energy to get done what you really need to get done. I had developed sleep anxiety at the beginning of all this and it took me a long time to understand and trust this. It's paradoxical but the more you don't worry about it the better it will be, it just takes some time for the mind to understand and accept.

17 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

Never expect that from a health professional--even a natural one, OK??🤣 We're all just doing our best, and medicine is a practice. Anyway. So I found her kind of grating and felt kind of unseen/misunderstood and wasn't sure if that was her not listening or me being sensitive. (She did talk over me a lot, though. Probably going to look for someone else and do a Zoom visit, since she's the only naturopathic doc within about 50 mi.)

This is so true, thanks for sharing. It doesn't sound like she was a good fit for you and I'm glad you're pursuing other options.

18 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

Seeing where this goes and just reminding myself that it's not a time for huge decisions, and it's safe to trust my own inner guidance when outside guidance feels like it doesn't address my needs. 

YES, totally agree that no big decisions should be made!! And I love how you're trusting yourself and your own guidance, it will definitely lead you to healing.

18 hours ago, KittenLePurr said:

and it was AWESOME. Totally turned my day around once I got out all the pain and tears and explored what came up after. My therapist is awesome and so is Internal Family Systems. Anyone else done that? It was a REALLY powerful experience.

This is great news!! I'm not familiar with that modality but I'm happy you found something that resonates with you. 

 

If you don't mind me asking what are your taper plans? Are you going to taper Methadone completely and then go back to Citalopram? How do you find the weekly Methadone cuts?  

 

[KittenLePurr]

On 9/22/2022 at 10:54 AM, Mia1 said:

I can SO relate to this, one of my biggest issues continues to be neuro anger. I'm just avoiding certain people at this point because it almost feels like I have no control over it and it's been super activating.

Totally get that and avoiding triggering people makes sense. I'm lucky in that way i guess; I don't talk to a lot of people most days except my fiance🤣 But I have to watch myself if I get triggered by him--obviously don't want to be an *******. What's most bothersome is just the grumpiness toward potential clients. I don't show it when I talk to them but I have to stop myself from sending messages while triggered because that never turns out well.

On 9/22/2022 at 10:54 AM, Mia1 said:

 

I think I've mastered the art of sleeping because I'm going through the worst of my withdrawal right now and sleep every night. The key for me was not worrying about it AT ALL. Easier said than done, believe me I know. But if you can not worry about it or how you're going to feel the next day you will retrain your brain that it's not a big deal and then you will sleep. You will always have enough energy to get done what you really need to get done. I had developed sleep anxiety at the beginning of all this and it took me a long time to understand and trust this. It's paradoxical but the more you don't worry about it the better it will be, it just takes some time for the mind to understand and accept.

I'm working on that. GOD it's so hard!! I went to sleep soundly last night but woke up around 2am and couldn't go back to sleep. A while back, this happened for a week straight and finally I said to myself, "Well, apparently we're doing biphasic sleeping right now. So why don't we get up and get some work done so that later on, when we crash and lie down for a nap/rest, we don't feel like we slept the afternoon away." And that's what I did. So I did the same thing this morning, although I haven't actually gotten any work done yet.

 

I'm so tired and kinda crabby. But I'm trying on that possibility you just shared, which is something my mom also said to me: that I'll be able to do whatever I really need to do. It's so easy to catastrophize, and I have a long history of feeling dysfunctional when I'm tired. But that said, if I make some adjustments, I do seem to get by and it all works out. Trying that on a lot lately too: everything always works out. I mean, it does, so why tell myself otherwise?

On 9/22/2022 at 10:54 AM, Mia1 said:

This is great news!! I'm not familiar with that modality but I'm happy you found something that resonates with you. 

There are similar things a lot of places. Basically it's giving a voice to all the different parts of yourself, and there are MANY parts. Had another session this week and it was just as healing, although not as mind-blowing because I wasn't also shocked by how healing it was and how well I did🤣

On 9/22/2022 at 10:54 AM, Mia1 said:

 

If you don't mind me asking what are your taper plans? Are you going to taper Methadone completely and then go back to Citalopram? How do you find the weekly Methadone cuts?  

 

Not at all. Yes, I'm going to taper methadone completely and then go back to Citalopram (which I fear will be the hardest of all, but whatever--one thing at a time, right?) Methadone hasn't been that bad so far, aside from waking up at 2am, feeling drained, infrequent akathisia and now back ache, which is pretty bad at the moment, so thanks again for reminding me of arnica. I'm officially under 20mg methadone and I just figured out that even if I slow down/pause here and there, I'll probably be completely off in 6 months.🤯 

 

That scares me a bit. Because I'm so used to having a little boost from the opioid every morning, so not having that feels really intimidating. But if it's really hard--and it may be, because methadone regulations are stupid and the clinic rules are even stupider and show absolutely NO knowledge of any kind of careful or healthy tapering process--I've thought that I might switch to kratom at the 2.5mg point, or use my stash (sh, don't tell the clinic🤣). I'm grateful to only have to go in once per month because I'm tapering more gently at home (I think I've said that before; removing 1-1.25mg per week between visits), and I'm doing that by creating a liquid dilution with distilled water so I can save it and it (hopefully?) won't get rancid. This way if the clinic wants me to just jump off from 2.5mg, I have a number of 1mg servings to make it more pleasant. I feel bad for people who don't have this luxury but thank God I do!

 

Ok. Going to try and get some work done. I don't have much at the moment and am still relying on my mom, which can feel really terrible and shameful but I'm really, really grateful. Because I honestly don't think I could do this if I had to work full-time or even go to a regular job at all.

[Mia1]

On 10/7/2022 at 5:57 AM, KittenLePurr said:

m working on that. GOD it's so hard!!

I completely understand. When I first developed sleep anxiety it took me a LONG time to figure this all out. The more I can accept something the less hold it has over me. It’s how it works.

On 10/7/2022 at 5:57 AM, KittenLePurr said:

Had another session this week and it was just as healing

That’s fantastic, I’m really so happy for you!! 
 

On 10/7/2022 at 5:57 AM, KittenLePurr said:

20mg methadone and I just figured out that even if I slow down/pause here and there, I'll probably be completely off in 6 months.🤯 

 

On 10/7/2022 at 5:57 AM, KittenLePurr said:

That scares me a bit. Because I'm so used to having a little boost from the opioid every morning, so not having that feels really intimidating.

WOW, that’s great news!! And I can relate to being scared of not taking the drug, psychological dependence is a really big part of the addiction. But it’s just a habit, right? Pretty soon you’ll be in the habit of not taking something and that will be your new normal.

 

You’ve come such a long way and your determination and commitment to living an authentic life is inspiring. Thank you for sharing your journey ❤️

[KittenLePurr]

On 10/16/2022 at 8:13 AM, Mia1 said:

I completely understand. When I first developed sleep anxiety it took me a LONG time to figure this all out. The more I can accept something the less hold it has over me. It’s how it works.

That’s fantastic, I’m really so happy for you!! 
 

 

WOW, that’s great news!! And I can relate to being scared of not taking the drug, psychological dependence is a really big part of the addiction. But it’s just a habit, right? Pretty soon you’ll be in the habit of not taking something and that will be your new normal.

 

You’ve come such a long way and your determination and commitment to living an authentic life is inspiring. Thank you for sharing your journey ❤️

Thank you, @Mia1. And thank YOU for inspiring ME and helping me find a place of stillness where my fear doesn't run the show. ❤️ 

 

I'm struggling a bit at the moment, although overall, I'm just fine. I'm down to 13.75mg of methadone now, still dropping 1.25/week for a total of 5mg/month. I'm definitely starting to feel it!🥵 Restless, anxious, and having aches and pains. But I'm managing, and I decided a while back to refocus on manifesting work and income, so focusing on what I want to create rather than how uncomfortable and scared I am has been helpful--albeit, no always easy. And I just got 2 really legit writing projects that pay really well (and one of them is for a legit magazine's website, and I get to have a byline so people know who I am and get a link to my website! How cool is that?! That's a first for me!😃) These projects are taking quite a number hours to complete, though, especially with my brain fog, so it's been difficult not to worry that I'll drop the ball and miss my deadlines. Especially because not sleeping much really ramps up the anxiety/stress.

 

I'm still using EFT to tap myself to sleep, which helps me fall asleep quickly and deeply, but I usually wake up 4-5 hours later (or 3 hours later, the past couple nights) and usually can't go back to sleep. So I've been doing work at 3, 4, and 5am a lot lately. It's really kind of unpleasant😱🤣  But my cognition is the sharpest right after I've gotten up, started moving around and taken my methadone, so it's been a necessary evil.🤣 I'm laughing because it's kind of funny how I'm just saying "Screw it" and getting it done best I can, but it has also been feeling terrifying, frustrating, and hopeless. What's also funny is 2 recent projects were articles about the benefits of sleep, so the Universe has a pretty great sense of irony!🤣

 

Managing the worry that I won't finish things is even more challenging than the fear I feel when I wake up and start kicking with akathisia, I think. Because it causes this intense tightness in my chest, like my heart's being smothered and it's hard to breathe. Lots of deep breathing, mindfulness and tapping.

 

I've also gotten into Amanda Frances' teachings lately; read her book and bought one of her cheaper courses to reprogram my brain around money and work, and while it's a lot of deep work and she can come off as a little too bubbly when I'm exhausted and grumpy, I'm really leaning on the work to maintain a sense of hope and openness to what's possible when I don't attach to my anxiety, lack and suffering. So that's been a really awesome and needed support, along with practicing observing my thoughts and symptoms without attachment. Not easy not to attach when I'm so tired😬 I wish I could take a nap right now...I'm dropping another 5mg this month, and then I'll slow down to 2.5mg/month, which I didn't realize the clinic did before. In a way, I'm like "Nah let's just go full steam ahead, 5mg/month!" but I also know it'll likely get more challenging, so I'm balancing eagerness to be done and patience with healing symptoms.

 

Physical activity and cold showers are also huge supports. I just rediscovered my love for them recently! 

[Mia1]

On 11/5/2022 at 12:45 PM, KittenLePurr said:

I'm struggling a bit at the moment, although overall, I'm just fine. I'm down to 13.75mg of methadone now, still dropping 1.25/week for a total of 5mg/month. I'm definitely starting to feel it!🥵

I TOTALLY relate to this right now, I'm struggling as well but also overall fine. The akathisia is like nothing I've experienced before. Even my thoughts can trigger the most intense feelings and bodily sensations. 

On 11/5/2022 at 12:45 PM, KittenLePurr said:

And I just got 2 really legit writing projects that pay really well (and one of them is for a legit magazine's website, and I get to have a byline so people know who I am and get a link to my website! How cool is that?! That's a first for me!😃

That's AMAZING, congratulations!! You totally deserve it. Great job manifesting that for yourself.

On 11/5/2022 at 12:45 PM, KittenLePurr said:

so the Universe has a pretty great sense of irony!🤣

So true 😂

On 11/5/2022 at 12:45 PM, KittenLePurr said:

I'm dropping another 5mg this month, and then I'll slow down to 2.5mg/month, which I didn't realize the clinic did before. In a way, I'm like "Nah let's just go full steam ahead, 5mg/month!" but I also know it'll likely get more challenging, so I'm balancing eagerness to be done and patience with healing symptoms.

I'm definitely a full steam ahead person but I think it's good you're balancing and taking your time. It's not easy and it's an incredible thing we do and endure but worth it, right? I never would have grown in the ways I would have had I not embarked on this journey and embraced what it was teaching me. We're getting there, one step at a time and one day at a time.

 

Youre doing an amazing job 🧡

[Lauren90]

On 4/28/2022 at 10:55 AM, KittenLePurr said:

Thank you ❤️ It's definitely a journey...I actually just grieved the death of my former boyfriend when the anniversary passed on April 5th and it hit me hard this year...I think because I opened up that wound when doing some healing last year and I've since felt his presence and seen him in dreams. Always learning, always growing.  Learning to dance in the rain...

Totally. So I actually just had to refresh my memory because I always confused glutamine and glutamate--and I really don't know a whole lot about it, either, but I have had not-great experiences with bone broth and am not sure if that will pass. Could be it's psychosomatic at this point--not sure!

 

But yeah, so glutamine is an amino acid that's good for gut health, and glutamate is a neurotransmittor used in learning and memory, I've read, and glutamate can be excitatory and make some people anxious. And it's found in both bone broth and kombucha.

 

Basically I heard that bit about bone broth and glutamine from someone who'd gone through benzo withdrawal a while back and forgot about it until, in the middle of my Klonipin taper, I decided to take my gut health more seriously (I already ate paleo but not things like bone broth or sauerkraut or other "gut health" targeted foods, really) and decided to make a big chicken soup with bone broth. Afterward, I couldn't sleep and just felt so wired, anxious and strange the next day, I thought I'd messed up my dose or something; it was really noticeable. But I didn't connect the dots right away and ate the soup again until, the day after that, it hit me and I stopped eating the soup and the feeling went away overnight. Since then, I've tried drinking half a bottle of kombucha and had the same experience, even over a year after finishing my Klonipin taper. So I don't know if that's just me, or it's psychosomatic, or if Celexa w/d is causing it too.

 

Apparently bone broth and kombucha both contain what's called "free glutamate," which some people are sensitive to. Many people aren't, though. And it isn't necessarily "unhealthy," unless you have super high amount--although there's a debate over that (as with everything health-related!) I hope to one day be able to enjoy bone broth and kombucha again...

Hi! I’ve been reading your thread, and I have to say I enjoy your way with words. It’s like reading a memoir :). Anyways we have a bit in common so I just wanted to stop in and say hello. And also when I read the thing about broth and kombucha i had a HORRIBLE reaction to kombucha recently. I had akathisia during a time when I hadn’t had it for a while. Interesting! Anyways, hope all is well 

[KittenLePurr]

On 12/11/2022 at 8:31 PM, Lauren90 said:

Hi! I’ve been reading your thread, and I have to say I enjoy your way with words. It’s like reading a memoir :). Anyways we have a bit in common so I just wanted to stop in and say hello. And also when I read the thing about broth and kombucha i had a HORRIBLE reaction to kombucha recently. I had akathisia during a time when I hadn’t had it for a while. Interesting! Anyways, hope all is well 

Hey @Lauren90! Good to meet you.🙃 That IS interesting! Glutamate is really activating for some of us, and apparently in more ways than one. And I'm making a note to myself to continue staying away from kombucha/bone broth because I already have akathisia and do NOT want to make it any worse...!!

 

Anyway, thank you; sometimes I feel like I'm too long-winded, so I'm glad to hear you actually like my shares😄 Kind of like an "Oh ok, it's not 'bad' to write so much..." 

 

I was thinking of checking in here to share it's been a couple of hard days with akathisia lately...I did something not-awesome and started taking kratom to help me focus on work, and if you know anything about kratom, you know it works like an opiate so probably not a great thing to take while you're tapering off an opioid??!! I didn't realize I'd taken as much as I had, and my withdrawals got WAY more intense, seemingly overnight. So I stopped the kratom and went back up on methadone just 1.25mg, and I'm slowly stabilizing.

 

But I'm honestly kind of grateful I did this because I learned something awesome...when I couldn't sleep from painful akathisia again last night, I searched YouTube for an EFT tapping video and it recommended ASMR tapping. Do you know what ASMR is? It's various sounds that, for a lot of people when they listen with headphones, create a pleasant tingling sensation in the head, neck and shoulders. I put on a video just to enjoy it, and the pleasurable sensations distracted me from my unpleasant ones so much, I finally fell asleep. Going to use ASMR every time I have akathisia at bedtime now because it really helped.

[KittenLePurr]

Hey everyone. Haven't checked in in what feels like forever...been trying to stay focused on living a semi-normal life and building my freelance business, and it's been going pretty well.

 

A couple days ago, though, it felt like I suddenly entered a new phase of withdrawal and the akathisia started getting really bad, all day long and throughout the night with the exception of like 2 hours after I take methadone in the morning and afternoon (I started dose-splitting, which seemed to help me sleep through the night until around the time akathisia got really bad). Might be intensifying due to the start of my cycle (weird how that always seems to happen, although never before this much. Maybe it's because when women start approaching their cycles, our metabolism speeds up? So I'm processing the meds faster?) but I'm noticing deep waves of grief and terror, and screaming-loud thoughts that I'm not strong enough to do this if this is going to be my life for months after I finish my taper...not to mention, then I have Celexa to taper🤕🤣 Feels kinda like a cruel joke at the moment...!

 

And also, I know it's my choice. Trying to hang onto that, remembering this isn't being forced on me, I am not a victim, and I've been called to do this and am choosing to. And that most likely automatically means I can handle it. (I mean, right? These are kinda just words at the moment. Feeling really discouraged. I know lots of people here relate...)

 

Hope you're all doing well. Sending wishes of peace, comfort and lightness out into the ether...

[KittenLePurr]

Hi all. I moved through that wave early Feb. and entered a nice window that lasted a while. Then hit another wave and another window. It seems to follow my cycle and the full moon, and I really feel terrible during both of those events each month...dreading them doesn't feel productive, but is kind of natural at this point. AND, during my cycle this month, I kept reminding myself that this happens every month, and in a matter of days, I would feel better. Feeling better already today and even getting a bit more sleep--on some nights, anyway. Can't predict that either. But even the nights when I get 5 hours now, I'm relieved and feel a bit better.

 

Navigating the attachment to sleep is still so hard. Some nights I wake up after just 1 or 2 hours and it really is hard. But then I remind myself that even when i get  7-8 hours, I wake up feeling terrible and that's just part of my journey right now. A bit later in the morning I get my wits about me, do some self-care, and feel like I can at least tolerate what's going on (most of the time, anyway. Unless the akathisia's really bad, and then it takes more to feel like I can tolerate it. By far, that's my least favorite symptom!).

 

I celebrated 6 years with my partner February 25th and even though I wasn't feeling well, I was reminded of how fortunate I am to have the support I have in my life...especially after everything that's transpired. Grateful to have someone who'll cook dinner for me and help me stay grounded. We're talking about moving to Florida (from Texas) next year and I'm having some anxiety just thinking about it, but he really wants to and I'm not opposed...just feels like a lot to deal with during WD. Planning to be off methadone and feeling a bit better by then, though, so crossing that bridge when we get there. Definitely glad no moving is required at this very moment!

 

Hope you're all hanging in and finding some calm of the eye of the storm. I read this amazing book called Existential Kink recently, and it's been eye-opening to consider that in every bit of struggle, there's a bit of wanting that struggle...not to say we ask for or deserve horrible things to happen, but that we incarnated here to experience the full spectrum of human experience--light and dark. Trying to hold onto that perspective as I navigate these windows. Glad to be here and still kicking (although never glad to be kicking from akathisia ... the WORST.)

[KittenLePurr]

Hi all, if anyone still follows this thread? Lol. I'm almost never here so I wouldn't blame you, but I figured I'd provide an update in case helpful to anyone else.

 

I visited my methadone clinic for the last time a couple weeks back. I think. Basically if I do go back, it'll just be more complicated, so I think I'm done. I have enough stashed away to taper myself off over the next 2-3 months.

 

I'm really scared because the akathisia/restlessness gets uncomfortable in the afternoons/evenings and then bad in the late night/early mornings, and the insomnia is bad. I manage to fall asleep with meditation but typically wake up squirming/kicking with racing thoughts between 1-3 hours later and can't fall back asleep until I take methadone and let it peak (about 3-4 hrs after). So I'm preparing myself to maybe be ok with not sleeping at all or at least much once the methadone is gone.

 

So I'm doing a lot of meditation and acceptance work around this. Drinking some chamomile and moringa tea in the early mornings, plus some yerba mate after my late morning nap to help me motivate to do some self-care. Lite workouts, earthing, dry brushing, cold/warm showers are absolute musts. EFT tapping seems to make the akathisia worse somehow (maybe because I'm focusing on it?), so not doing much of that anymore.

 

Just taking lots of deep breaths and remembering that in a few months, I'll be free and opiates won't ever dictate my life or level of well-being ever again. I like to think my boyfriend who OD'd is looking down, proud of me for finally doing it. And that also keeps me going.

 

Don't give up, no matter how unpleasant or never-ending it seems. Because one we're through it, we are free. ❤️ 

[KittenLePurr]

Oh, also! I found the akathisia thread and took some of the suggestions...I got a weighted blanket and some topical magnesium. They don't help a ton, but they do help some. I also restarted a super concentrated CBD oil (called Rick Simpson Oil; basically it's hash oil🤣 Super concentrated) and mostly use that topically, but sometimes internally too, which helps a bit with the fear and panic, plus helps me sleep a bit deeper when I finally do sleep. Grateful for those supports, even if they don't fix things

[PortugueseSea]

I take the magnesium supplement CALM and I believe it has helped me over the months. I have been curious about the weighted blanket and all but given I sleep alright I haven't gotten one yet!

 

Hope you are feeling better!

[sun4ever]

I was reading through your thread and wondering how you are doing?

[KittenLePurr]

On 9/17/2023 at 7:58 AM, sun4ever said:

I was reading through your thread and wondering how you are doing?

Thank you for checking in on me! I've been meaning to update. I've now been off of methadone for a little over 2 weeks and am very (VERY) slowly noticing some positive changes, although still definitely going through it. Some days I have a window of a couple of hours where I almost feel normal, or at least much better.

 

I was really nervous about jumping off, thinking I wouldn't have my morning naps anymore, but that has fortunately not been the case. The akathisia is much better than it was already too! Still using magnesium, CBD and weighted blanket for it. But rather than that full-on, screaming-inside, itchy and restless torture, it's now more like an annoying twitch with anxiety--much more manageable! And it mostly goes away during the day, interestingly.

 

Now the most bothersome symptom is the overwhelming exhaustion, depression, and lack of motivation to do anything. Like, even getting myself to meditate, get out of bed, and do my other self-care practices that I know help me feel better feels like pulling teeth.😖 It is SO hard. There is a LOT of inner screaming when I have to, say, clean the house, go to the store, etc. Opioid use depletes your dopamine, which is a motivation hormone as well as mood-supporting, etc. so this all makes sense. I'm just hoping it doesn't last forever. I've no idea what I'm like off of opioids other than in withdrawal, but trusting this will pass.

 

I'm hoping to level out in a few months and enjoy a brief break before resuming my Celexa taper. Yaayyyy😂 How are you @sun4ever?

[KittenLePurr]

On 7/11/2023 at 1:38 AM, PortugueseSea said:

I take the magnesium supplement CALM and I believe it has helped me over the months. I have been curious about the weighted blanket and all but given I sleep alright I haven't gotten one yet!

 

Hope you are feeling better!

That's great Calm has helped! I've wondered about that particular type of magnesium and heard it's great. I do recommend the weighted blanket if you're restless or have anxiety. It may not cure either but it's soothing, like a warm hug🙃 

[Greatful]

@KittenLePurr  It's good to hear your voice☺️  Congratulations on getting off of the Methadone🎉 You are a force to recon with LOL...Seriously you are an inspiration with all that you have gone through and how you are staying focused on goal.🌞

 

 

On 9/21/2023 at 4:08 PM, KittenLePurr said:

Now the most bothersome symptom is the overwhelming exhaustion, depression, and lack of motivation to do anything. Like, even getting myself to meditate, get out of bed, and do my other self-care practices that I know help me feel better feels like pulling teeth.😖 It is SO hard. There is a LOT of inner screaming when I have to, say, clean the house, go to the store, etc.

Boy ain't that the truth....Battle fatigue is also a huge factor at times.... Depression robs me of hope.  Up and down like a roller coaster 😒

 

On 9/21/2023 at 4:08 PM, KittenLePurr said:

The akathisia is much better than it was already too! Still using magnesium, CBD and weighted blanket for it. But rather than that full-on, screaming-inside, itchy and restless torture, it's now more like an annoying twitch with anxiety

Akathisia is nasty.  I get this in my brain, I want to bang my head against the wall,  I want the numb, tingling, burning intensity  to stop and there is no way to get to it.  sometimes the need to  move to my body and I start to squirm LOL or feel like tension in the body and frozen at the same time.  So hard to explain how incredibly awful it is at times..  

 

How is work going?  Did you end up moving?