j1290: gets off the Wellbutrin and on with life!

[Stardust]

10 hours ago, j1290 said:

I'll never remember this tomorrow so I'll just put these here now.  In a random place I read someone describe antidepressant WD as looking at the world as if you're Batman in the latest Batman movie, except you don't have his superpowers.   Constant dread of the world around you and being in a cloud of greyness.   

I have to admit there's some truth to that.  Gave me a chuckle 😂

 

This is really good!  It's dark, but I like it.

[Carmie]

Hi there @j1290, thanks for your kind comments on my thread. I like how you keep a daily journal on here after every cut, it helps to see some kind of pattern, doesn’t it? It feels good too to get your thoughts out of your head. 
 

Wishing you all the best with this last drop🧡

[j1290]

DAY 5  3/10 Headachey and anxiety-y, but fine.  Entering the red zone of my taper for the next 11 days.   

 

Had some anxiety and the heavier headache come in today.  Managed through all of it.  It's annoying but fine.  Overall my mood is pretty good and I'm not having a lethargic, hangover type feeling today that I've had so often before.  I'm very possibly overly optimistic, granted,  but these last few days I've started feeling more normal then medicated, like my body is catching up and doesn't need the meds as much to keep things in balance.   Just a theory, it'll be tested tomorrow as that's historically been a very difficult day.   

 

Nothing weird or extreme happening, so I think everything is looking green so far.  Excited to see how the rest of this cut goes.  Just 11 more days and I should be home free and on my way to a long hold.   Exciting!

 

3 hours ago, Stardust said:

This is really good!  It's dark, but I like it.

haha I thought so too, but it was pretty funny.  Pshew I haven't had a day like that in a minute, but man do I not miss them.   

 

1 hour ago, Carmie said:

it helps to see some kind of pattern, doesn’t it?

Hi Carmie!  I always keep up with your thread, even if I don't comment.  Sounds like you're hanging in, which is fantastic.   Yes, definitely, I couldn't have made it this far without the journal.  It's really nice to check the previous entries to see how my progress is going.  It's always too slow, but it is progress!

 

1 hour ago, Carmie said:

Wishing you all the best with this last drop🧡

Thanks, and always wishing you the best as well!

[j1290]

DAY 6  3/10 v. slight headachey, anxiety peaks and valleys

 

Had a lot of anxiety today off and on, some going down rabbit holes, but very slight headache type stuff.  In the imaginary contract I have with tapering, it says I should no longer get headaches anymore.  I'm starting to think imaginary contracts aren't worth the paper they're not-printed on 😆

 

I'm having some emotional lability and nervousness.  It's uncomfortable, par for the course, and no big deal.  It's more noticeable because I don't have it very often these days.   I used to have Batman level anxiety on the regular and it was a bit of a nailbiter.

 

Had a great conversation with a good friend today.  It's nice to feel like myself now and then.  Something is going on, at least up to this day I haven't been getting as much of that hangover feeling, which I really am grateful for.    

 

Might just be my imagination but the anxiety feels a little more raw than usual, but I'm on a  lower dose than I have been before, so maybe it's just that.   

 

So another uncomfy day for the record books, but a good attitude.  Probably a bit of elevated mood due to the WD.  I read hypomania is 4 days of elevated mood, so I'll be on the lookout for that.  It's probably nothing and I'm not too worried about symptoms until I've been off meds for a long time, but I'm keeping an eye out for anything out of the ordinary.  I just don't have a clue what normal is, to be honest.   

[Thorin]

47 minutes ago, j1290 said:

Had a lot of anxiety today off and on, some going down rabbit holes, but very slight headache type stuff.  In the imaginary contract I have with tapering, it says I should no longer get headaches anymore.  I'm starting to think imaginary contracts aren't worth the paper they're not-printed on 😆

Hey man that anxiety sucks! Can relate to the rabbit holes. Even rabbit holes about rabbit holes at times 😂😂😂. It’s good that the headache stuff is minimal but sucks that it’s still around…. Time buddy, time.

 

48 minutes ago, j1290 said:

I'm having some emotional lability and nervousness.  It's uncomfortable, par for the course, and no big deal.  It's more noticeable because I don't have it very often these days.   I used to have Batman level anxiety on the regular and it was a bit of a nailbiter.

Are you me right now? Getting the same. Cranky (I may be doing a bit of a John at work 😂. Really need to watch this…..). The anxiety sucks but what helps is knowing it’s not forever! Right before restarting my taper I was just chill! For the first time. Crazy! I reckon you’ll get there eventually too.

 

50 minutes ago, j1290 said:

Might just be my imagination but the anxiety feels a little more raw than usual, but I'm on a  lower dose than I have been before, so maybe it's just that.   

I’m noticing this heaps actually. It’s much harder to tolerate now that I can feel everything. I used to be able to compartmentalise the anxiety. Now it’s just there for the world to see…… It’s actually a sign we’re healing!

[j1290]

5 minutes ago, Thorin said:

Hey man that anxiety sucks! Can relate to the rabbit holes. Even rabbit holes about rabbit holes at times 😂😂😂. It’s good that the headache stuff is minimal but sucks that it’s still around…. Time buddy, time.

You said it.  Time really is the key to all of it.  The lower my dose, the shorter the time in anxiety and rabbit holes, and the longer time passes, the better everything gets.  

9 minutes ago, Thorin said:

Are you me right now? Getting the same. Cranky (I may be doing a bit of a John at work 😂.

LMAO That Batman headspace is not safe for being around the general public 🤣 Very very rarely does my irritability escape my mind but the battle to contain it is tiring 😆

12 minutes ago, Thorin said:

The anxiety sucks but what helps is knowing it’s not forever! Right before restarting my taper I was just chill! For the first time. Crazy! I reckon you’ll get there eventually too.

OMG, chill sounds so freaking nice.  I failed the burrito shack test yesterday, was seething internally about parking.  I fear becoming a grump with a perma scowl on my face but right now, it is what it is 🤷‍♀️

Thanks for reminding me, eventually all this stuff really will pass.  

 

18 minutes ago, Thorin said:

It’s much harder to tolerate now that I can feel everything.

This!  I have less tolerance of it.  I tapped out early today and took 1/4 of a Clonodine after I woke up in a cortisol anxiety spike.   I'm extra-sensitized, and I can feel it.  I'm looking forward to a long hold and letting everything settle down again.  

[Fifree]

1 hour ago, j1290 said:

I'm starting to think imaginary contracts aren't worth the paper they're not-printed on 😆

 

😂

I have had many imaginary contracts during my life and can confirm this to be true.

[littlebird]

3 hours ago, j1290 said:

Had a great conversation with a good friend today.  It's nice to feel like myself now and then.

🎉 Super glad to hear it!

 

3 hours ago, j1290 said:

Might just be my imagination but the anxiety feels a little more raw than usual, but I'm on a  lower dose than I have been before, so maybe it's just that. 

Huh, mine is too. I'm really going to "survival fear" territory a lot since tapering Wells. 

 

1 hour ago, j1290 said:

2 hours ago, Thorin said:

Are you me right now? Getting the same. Cranky (I may be doing a bit of a John at work 😂.

LMAO That Batman headspace is not safe for being around the general public 🤣 Very very rarely does my irritability escape my mind but the battle to contain it is tiring 😆

Soooooooooooo real... I;m basically scowling at the world this week. At least we're in good company in Crankville?

 

1 hour ago, j1290 said:

I fear becoming a grump with a perma scowl on my face but right now, it is what it is 🤷‍♀️

Thanks for reminding me, eventually all this stuff really will pass.  

It'll pass! You'll be back in a chill zone before you know it.

[Thorin]

32 minutes ago, littlebird said:

Soooooooooooo real... I;m basically scowling at the world this week. At least we're in good company in Crankville?

So cranky. Borderline letting it out too. People suck right now!

[j1290]

DAY 7 4/10  Anxiety hit hard early this morning.  Oof.  I'm managing it, and I'll be fine.  It's one of those days I have to remind myself that this doesn't last forever and I'm not going to always feel like this.  Had this happen in March and in May, so along with this one sleep was a component.  I guess its a panic attack, they're always connected to certain extreme stressors, going back years.   I'm doing my best to avoid going down the rabbit holes.  I don't have a clue what degree tapering or meds have to do with it, but I have to think being in WD doesn't help.  

 

I went outside and touched some grass, went for a walk, tried not to ruminate.  

 

That said, I did get something initiated that I was anxious about, took those first steps to resolution despite the difficulty.   Come think  of it, every thereapist situation I've been in says you have to enter into stressful situations to become habituated to it and overcome.  I don't love the process but it's true.   Maybe it's just time for me to work on this issue now while on a low level of meds.   So be it.  

 

That said,  my head has been pretty good overall.   Not perfect, but improved, and I'm really happy for that.  Not gonna lie, I want it to be perfect but I'm trying to be thankful for what I have 😆  Bup is generally considered to take about 5 weeks or so to settle in once you start taking it, so I wouldn't be surprised if I'm not habituating right now to a cut I did 5 weeks ago.   I'll be doing that long hold next month, so I'll have time for all of it to settle.  Just 2 more weeks until then, and 9 days till I'm past the worst of the symptoms.   

 

I'm really glad I'm doing this, I don't regret anything, but I can't wait to get this next cut finished and take a break till new years.   

[littlebird]

4 hours ago, j1290 said:

I guess its a panic attack, they're always connected to certain extreme stressors, going back years.

Oh ****, that sucks man! Nothing like a panic attack. 😵‍💫

 

4 hours ago, j1290 said:

I went outside and touched some grass, went for a walk, tried not to ruminate. 

Sounds like you handled it well, nicely done. Getting outside is the best!

 

4 hours ago, j1290 said:

That said,  my head has been pretty good overall.

Glad to hear it! Has the headache hat been in play much? Is it also nice on hot days? Glad you handled the panic with good self-care, hopefully you also got a treat. 🧁

[j1290]

6 hours ago, littlebird said:

Glad to hear it! Has the headache hat been in play much? Is it also nice on hot days? Glad you handled the panic with good self-care, hopefully you also got a treat. 🧁

haha I got a treat, alright!  😁  I'm rocking the headache hat right now, matter of fact.  Great idea, I should freeze it more.  

 

6 hours ago, littlebird said:

Oh ****, that sucks man! Nothing like a panic attack. 😵‍💫

🤣 You know what, as my rational mind takes over more today, this is not a huge deal.  I've been stressed to the max the last couple years tapering, mind and body.  I wouldn't be surprised if someone else in my situation had a panic attack or two, getting off of 30 years of psych meds😵‍💫, so the same rules have to apply to me.  All things considered I'm surprised it doesn't happen more often 🤣😁😆.  I just flipped through my last 6 months of symptoms notes and...yeah.   I'm likely to be emotionally fragile while I rebuild my life without meds, to the surprise of precisely nobody in my life 🤣🤣🤣

 

I'm up early, I'm going to try and feed some hungry squirrels!

[Thorin]

11 hours ago, j1290 said:

18 hours ago, littlebird said:

Oh ****, that sucks man! Nothing like a panic attack. 😵‍💫

🤣 You know what, as my rational mind takes over more today, this is not a huge deal.  I've been stressed to the max the last couple years tapering, mind and body.  I wouldn't be surprised if someone else in my situation had a panic attack or two, getting off of 30 years of psych meds😵‍💫, so the same rules have to apply to me.  All things considered I'm surprised it doesn't happen more often 🤣😁😆.  I just flipped through my last 6 months of symptoms notes and...yeah.   I'm likely to be emotionally fragile while I rebuild my life without meds, to the surprise of precisely nobody in my life 🤣🤣🤣

To be honest I think it’d be a little weird if you didn’t get the occasional one above attack given what you’re going through…… Physical, mental, emotional stress. Chemical stress. Etc.

[j1290]

DAY 8  3/10 elevated mood, some irritability, lability, little headachey

 

Another day older and deeper in debt.  So glad to have this day done, with the hopes that tomorrow will be more relaxed.  Not gonna lie, it's nice to feel an elevated mood, even if it's due to WD.  I addressed a number of anxiety provoking situations today, and feel good about it.  Didn't do it without fear or anything, but I did it.  That said, emotional lability and elevated mood are precisely par for the course at this stage in a taper.  I'm a little rough around the edges but I've been through it and things feel pretty raw.   

 

8 more days and I'll be through the worst of it, and 2 more weeks till I'll be ready for the last cut of this year, as I take a break until '24.  I can use the rest.  I think I'm 38% done with this cut.  

 

Thread theme is a surprisingly catchy tune about Lexapro   The comments called it an earworm, and it really is.  Sticks in your head. 

[j1290]

1 hour ago, Thorin said:

To be honest I think it’d be a little weird if you didn’t get the occasional one above attack given what you’re going through…… Physical, mental, emotional stress. Chemical stress. Etc.

Thanks man I guess one per cut or so isn't bad, all things considered.  I'm keeping my eye on the prize, given enough time my CNS will settle down a bit.  

[j1290]

DAY 9  4/10 headache

 

I'm in the middle of it right now.  Right on schedule, I got a wave of headache stuff.  Makes sense, my brain has been way over stimulated the last few days from WD, maybe this is just the aftermath or something.   Happened exactly like this last month.  The predictability doesn't make it less uncomfortable, but I'm not panicked or anything, which is really nice.   I'm inching closer to half way done with this cut, and in 1 week I should be over the worst of it all for this one.   Tomorrow should be bumpy as well, but secretly I'm hoping it won't be.   

 

I'll get through this.  I just need one more cut and I can rest and recharge.

[Catina7]

3 hours ago, j1290 said:

DAY 9  4/10 headache

 

I'm in the middle of it right now.  Right on schedule, I got a wave of headache stuff.  Makes sense, my brain has been way over stimulated the last few days from WD, maybe this is just the aftermath or something.   Happened exactly like this last month.  The predictability doesn't make it less uncomfortable, but I'm not panicked or anything, which is really nice.   I'm inching closer to half way done with this cut, and in 1 week I should be over the worst of it all for this one.   Tomorrow should be bumpy as well, but secretly I'm hoping it won't be.   

 

I'll get through this.  I just need one more cut and I can rest and recharge.

 

Aww I'm sorry that you're having some issues.  And with all that you're dealing with, you took the time to take on my own issues and give me some encouragement.

 

You WILL get through this, as you always do - with your great insight and record-keeping along w/ a dash of humor!  Keep going, you're going to get there!  🤗

[Thorin]

5 hours ago, j1290 said:

I'll get through this.  I just need one more cut and I can rest and recharge.

Man that rest and recharge is going to be so good. Slowly feeling better and better.

[j1290]

DAY 10  4/10 headache and lassitude, hungover feeling, etc

 

It's always amazing how certain weeks of tapering feel like they last a lifetime.  Symptoms are right on track with last month, so nothing out of the ordinary, thank goodness.  Tomorrow will mark being over half way done with this cut, and less than a week left of the worst symptoms.    Today was just heavy with the physical stuff, but fortunately not the emotional business I'd had early in the week.  Physical symptoms>emotional any day of the week.  

 

Been listening to BMIR.ORG , the burning man radio station tonight.   Good stuff.  Guess tomorrow things may dry out enough for them to leave in the afternoon.  Sounds like they're making the best of it.   Looks like fun.  

 

I'd like to say something optimistic for the next 6 days, but looking at my notes its choppy waters and sometimes I just have to embrace the suck.  I may only have one more 4/10 day left, and today was merely uncomfortable.  It was entirely manageable, and now a little before midnight I feel pretty good.  At the risk of repeating myself, it's amazing how identical these days be.  My last Day 10 was essentially the same as this one, except things are always improving just a little bit.   So glad not to have anxiety on top of the headache stuff like I did last month.   

 

So far I'm not seeing anything that makes me think I'll have to reinstate, so it's starting to look like this cut was a success.  I'll give it a few more days before I make it official 😁

 

19 hours ago, Thorin said:

Man that rest and recharge is going to be so good. Slowly feeling better and better.

Can't wait man.  I'm a little sensitive and raw right now, but that's how I'm supposed to feel.   After a few months rest I should feel much better.  

 

21 hours ago, Catina7 said:

Aww I'm sorry that you're having some issues.  And with all that you're dealing with, you took the time to take on my own issues and give me some encouragement.

 

You WILL get through this, as you always do - with your great insight and record-keeping along w/ a dash of humor!  Keep going, you're going to get there!  🤗

Thanks @Catina7!   I gotta remember I'm still going to get windows and waves on the long hold I have coming up.   I think in my heart of hearts I'm setting myself up for disappointment expecting I'll instantly feel better 🤣  I don't think it works like that, but things will gradually continue to improve.  What a journey we've been through!

[Thorin]

1 hour ago, j1290 said:

Can't wait man.  I'm a little sensitive and raw right now, but that's how I'm supposed to feel.   After a few months rest I should feel much better.  

I’ve no doubt that sensitivity and rawness will hang around for a bit but it’ll move off and you probably won’t even notice it happening.

[Stardust]

6 hours ago, j1290 said:

So far I'm not seeing anything that makes me think I'll have to reinstate, so it's starting to look like this cut was a success.  I'll give it a few more days before I make it official 😁

 

So glad j - you're a fierce warrior.

[j1290]

DAY 11  3/10 head issues, irritability, rumination, dull witted and hungover feeling. 

 

Day started out pretty good, then as it progressed things got wierd.  Basically just the same as last time, but improved.  Because I've been through this so many times, because I have notes, I know this is normal, actually even slightly improved over this time last month, and it's normal for me to feel like this will never end.   That's a trick, it will actually improve and I won't feel like this forever.  I'm trudging along.   I'm over halfway through this cut, thank goodness, and after this Saturday things should improve.   I hardly even had a headache today, now nice is that?!?  Everything is improving, just slowly.   

 

 

[Catina7]

6 hours ago, j1290 said:

DAY 11  3/10 head issues, irritability, rumination, dull witted and hungover feeling. 

 

Day started out pretty good, then as it progressed things got wierd.  Basically just the same as last time, but improved.  Because I've been through this so many times, because I have notes, I know this is normal, actually even slightly improved over this time last month, and it's normal for me to feel like this will never end.   That's a trick, it will actually improve and I won't feel like this forever.  I'm trudging along.   I'm over halfway through this cut, thank goodness, and after this Saturday things should improve.   I hardly even had a headache today, now nice is that?!?  Everything is improving, just slowly.   

 

 

 

So glad you didn't have a headache and that things are slowly improving for you!  It's good that you realize too that your mind is playing tricks on you when you feel like it will go on forever.  You're doing a great job!  🙂

[j1290]

On 9/4/2023 at 6:43 AM, Stardust said:

So glad j - you're a fierce warrior.

Thanks, Stardust!  It's amazing what a difference it can make in how you describe yourself.  I appreciate you!  

 

6 hours ago, Catina7 said:

You're doing a great job!  🙂

Much appreciated, Cat!  4 more days and I'm out of the bumpy part.  Can't wait.  

[j1290]

DAY 12   3/10 headachey but overall pretty darn good

 

Let's compare and contrast:

 

Day 12-7/4  3/10 barely SFW but needed sumatriptan for headaches

Day 12-7/25  4/10 NSFW scorching headache

Day 12-8/15 3/10 SFW  some brain cramps and anxiety

Day 12-9/5 3/10 SFW a little headachey but overall good

 

So the trend is definitely on the upswing.  Forecast for the next 3-4 days is fairly heavy symptoms, so its been nice to have this easy day.   I'll be past the worst of it this weekend, and I'm almost 60% done with this cut.  

 

It's so great to recharge my batteries a little.   I had some time today where I didn't think about WD at all, just felt normal.  I'm glad to get a little break.  I still need my headache hat but that's not so bad.  I'm staying the course.  

[Fifree]

That trend is looking very very good John! Long may it continue

[Stardust]

Love seeing this trend!!   

That symptom journal is worth its weight in gold!

[j1290]

DAY 13  3/10 irritable and headachey and some anxiety

 

Dealt with an intense situation today that I'm really glad to be on the other side of.  I had anxiety that could have been a lot worse, nothing nearing a panic attack or anything.  Looking at previous cuts, I'm trending in the right direction symptoms wise, so I guess I can safely call this one successful.   3 more bumpy days to go, then it's just kinda crappy days 😄  That's tapering for you 🤷

 

On 9/5/2023 at 9:40 PM, Fifree said:

That trend is looking very very good John! Long may it continue

 

14 hours ago, Stardust said:

Love seeing this trend!!   

That symptom journal is worth its weight in gold!

Thanks so much to you both!  Kind words are greatly appreciated 😁

[j1290]

DAY 14 3/10 headache and just feeling weird

 

I think I'm going to start featuring a new song about antidepressants with each post, beginning with Lexapro as the subject.  It's sadly easy to build up a playlist.  This is the one that kicked it off with me Saddy Daddy-O (Official Lyric Video) - Artimus Wolz | CHAOS

Quote

 

 

All my friends tell me I'm doing better, and by my friends, I mean I'm by myself.  Hah! Stole that from the song, but it's true 😄   Today was just a weird day, feeling off and a lot of lassitude, took a long nap.  

 

Let's look at the tale of the tape and see how I did previously on Day 14:

 

June 15  - 3/10 needed Sumatriptan for migraine, also emotional and anxious, vivid dreams

July 6 - 3/10 anxiety and weirdness and feeling unwell for sure

July 27 - 3/10 some lability, headache, irritable, overall rough

Aug 17 - 3/10 headachey, feel weird and lightheaded and out of sorts

Sept 7 - 3/10 sleepy and feel weird, lightheaded, not particularly emotional or anxious, maybe a tiny bit headachey

 

That's solid progress, things are improving, so the trend is on my side.  I must be doing something right.  I'm really glad to be in the home stretch on this cut, just one week left.  The next couple days are scheduled to be bumpy but I have to think the positive trend will continue, so meh, I'm not too worried about it.   My batteries are getting a little bit recharged, which is really nice.  

 

 

[Stardust]

22 hours ago, j1290 said:

That's solid progress, things are improving, so the trend is on my side.  I must be doing something right.  I'm really glad to be in the home stretch on this cut, just one week left.  The next couple days are scheduled to be bumpy but I have to think the positive trend will continue, so meh, I'm not too worried about it.   My batteries are getting a little bit recharged, which is really nice.  

 

So glad for you!!!

[j1290]

DAY 15  3/10 emotional lability, fatigue

 

Had some sleep issues that I believe kicked off the emotional lability today, as looking at my notes it seems like one thing can lead to the other.  Looking at my last 3 cuts, this is just a bumpy day and I'll take the emotional lability over anxiety any day of the week.  Things have improved each time, so I'm definitely glad about that.  Tomorrow should be the last of the bumpy days this cut, and I'm grateful for that.  

 

For your musical enjoyment, Lexapro Delirium

Quote

 

2 million views for that, who would have guessed?!?   Good song.  

 

6 hours ago, Stardust said:

So glad for you!!!

Appreciate you as always, Stardust!

[Fifree]

1 hour ago, j1290 said:

Lexapro Delirium

Can’t say lexapro ever made me feel like I was at a dance party… or is that what the

“video” is about? You actually just sit in your room while everyone else is at the dance party?

[j1290]

4 minutes ago, Fifree said:

Can’t say lexapro ever made me feel like I was at a dance party… or is that what the

“video” is about? You actually just sit in your room while everyone else is at the dance party?

Haha search me, but I think that's as solid an interpretation as I see in the comments!  I agree with one of them, it reminds me of the soundtrack to an old driving video game.   

[Go2zero]

Music and video made by one of the SA members. Poly drugged. Still tapering. But she is a real warrior. She will make it. And so will you @j1290

 

 

 

Edited September 9, 2023 by Go2zero

[FeralCatman]

WOW!!!!! Sharing that one with everybody I know thank you for posting it.

[FeralCatman]

I would like to follow This Woman's thread can someone please direct me to it because I couldn't find it when I looked it up