18yoldoffZoloft: I need serious help

[SertralineIssues29]

On 5/31/2023 at 5:25 AM, 18yoldoffZoloft said:

I don't know whats going on with me but whatever it is I don't believe its withdrawal anymore, I just keep getting worse by the day. I can't live like this it's unbearable. There is no humanity, emotions, time perception, memory,understanding, thoughts,desires,creativity, love, enjoyment or anything that makes a human experience worth it. Everyday I am gradually getting worse and I feel completely wiped out of anything that made me myself. I'm living in an unfamiliar body and an unfamiliar world and all I feel is this uncomfortable emptiness and fear. I know I did some serious damage because I can't hold a conversation anymore, I can't even follow what people are telling me. Im hallucinating and my memory is getting worse and worse. I know the people that get worse never make it out of this and I feel so unbelievably ruined. My brain is burning and I'm confused, this isn't withdrawal anymore. I seriously messed up by adding in Zoloft for a third time and I know that's what ruined me, this is damage. I had withdrawal in January until Zoloft and Mirtazipine and now I don't have anything, just this complete wipeout of everything that made me human. I would be stupid to believe that I'll get out of this in a couple of years because thats just not happening. I'm so young and it feels like my life has been taken away from me I just cry every day because my soul feels like it was ripped away from me, and everything I loved has no meaning anymore. I feel like I'm in some sick warped reality, and I can't even distract myself because my brain isn't working. I would've taken years to heal from the initial Zoloft WD itself and by adding more and more drugs I've just ruined any chance of me getting better, I just feel my brain deteriorating. I can barely get through a day of this, how could I get through years and years?? I want to be positive but I've tried and I feel run to the ground. It's more than disgusting how these drugs just continue to ruin peoples lives, I feel like my options have run out. I was so stupid for just adding more drugs, I just didnt know what was going on with me and was desperate. Everyday I feel like a scared child and thats because I am one right now. All I want is to feel comfort from just anything at all, but nothing makes me feel okay. I feel so alone and scared. My family is trying to help but we honestly don't know what to do anymore, they want to put me on more drugs. I was relieved coming on here thinking at least I'm not one of those horror stories but its like all the damage I did is catching up to me and I'm slowly turning into one. I would rather experience crushing depression and sadness any day over whatever the hell this is. Am I just going to keep worsening until I die? This is so cruel and I need it to stop :(( 

  

Listen to me, u promise you it gets better, our time line of symptoms is very very similar. Please go and read my last post on my page, big trigger warning for a few bits but it will tell you that it can get really bad And then turn around all of a sudden

 

Keep your head held high and believe me one day you will wake up with a weird sense of peace like I did 

 

Trai xx

[zepedroj]

@18yoldoffZoloft How are you doing today? Can you give us any updates?

[18yoldoffZoloft]

On 5/31/2023 at 2:41 AM, zepedroj said:

Please, please, try to be strong.

 

From what you are describing, it seems like it is derealization/depersonalozation. How long have you been like this? Is it constant or does it fluctuate? I also had DPDR, it lasted for about a month or so, but it eventually went away.

 

Please tell me you are going to a Therapist. Talk therapy is the only thing getting me through this.

 

@AltostrataCan you please step in so you can help out with symptoms? She seems terribly frightened and needs some guidance.

I'm trying but I'm so scared at the worsening of my situation especially the cognitive decline. And yes the DP/DR is constant and very severe I feel like I'm spectating my life in third person. It's not even just regular DP/DR I'm constantly hyperaware of my body and when I look at things I can never be in the present moment. Almost like I'm in a walking coma, and theres a blurry and distorted filter over the world. I can't stop involuntarily zoning out too and its really scary  Every day I'm stuck in this zombie like coma state where theres no time or emotions. I wish I could distract but I can't retain any information, even watch short videos. I'm so scared. Every day feels like a new day where my memory is wiped of the day before, and I'm just confused and scared constantly with thoughts looping in my head that aren't even mine. I really can't have this situation keep progressing in the way it is, I just don't know what to do. I miss when I had withdrawal because this just feels like a decline and I can't afford it to get worse 😭 I barely feel human as it is.

 

I've tried seeing a therapist weekly but I always dread going because I don't understand what shes telling me. I can't follow someones words for more than 10 seconds without getting confused. And I don't retain any new information now and don't remember any of our sessions so I can't even take what shes saying into consideration. Maybe if my cognitive issues improve then I'll find therapy useful again but I can't go without getting confused and scared :(( 

 

 

[18yoldoffZoloft]

12 hours ago, zepedroj said:

@18yoldoffZoloft How are you doing today? Can you give us any updates?

I'm doing pretty much the same, it doesn't even feel like my neurotransmitters are dysregulated it feels like they died  I lost all my interests and habits that made me myself like they've been wiped out and my only thoughts are just looping words and sentences that don't make sense. I've heard about this happening with failed antidepressant reinstatements and theres really nothing you can do except wait maybe?? This is just awful. 

 

Thank you for checking in though, I hope you're doing well <33 

[18yoldoffZoloft]

13 hours ago, SertralineIssues29 said:

Listen to me, u promise you it gets better, our time line of symptoms is very very similar. Please go and read my last post on my page, big trigger warning for a few bits but it will tell you that it can get really bad And then turn around all of a sudden

 

Keep your head held high and believe me one day you will wake up with a weird sense of peace like I did 

 

Trai xx

 

I really hope that things turn around for me but its not looking like it and I'm scared. I'm really relieved to hear you're doing better though, a lot of us were worried about you!!

 

Thank you 😭

-Julia

[18yoldoffZoloft]

On 5/31/2023 at 4:16 AM, Altostrata said:

Thanks very much, @Catina7

 

 

Hello, @18yoldoffZoloft it may take some number of months for you to feel even a little better.

 

What is your most troublesome symptom now? What is your sleep pattern? How do you feel now compared to how you felt in February?

 

The last time you posted your daily notes was May 15. Please post daily notes.

Although the anhedonia, no emotions thing is still troubling me I'm way more concerned about my cognitive/visual issues. My brain seems to have a hard time processing any kind of information especially moving information. When theres too much information at once I think my brain gets extremely confused and I get disoriented, have double vision, DP/DR off the charts, I feel like I'm drunk and high and in some warped reality. This happens in public especially but even just taking a walk with my mom confuses by brain, I start to see the floor moving and I get confused. That combined with constant brain fog, head pressure/tingling, severe memory loss makes me feel like I'm in a coma. I feel extremely stupid and that I lost my whole personality and I really don't think this is WD, I know its kindling damage. Even staying inside in a stress free environment, I still have processing issues. The DP/DR, anhedonia, no emotions has always stayed since February but the other stuff I mentioned has gradually come on and I don't know what to do.

 

I feel worse than how I felt in February for sure. My sleep has been fine except for a few random days. 
 

I also developed this new thing where I can't stop pacing when trying to talk for a while. It's like when I try to use certain parts of my brain I get extremely fidgety and can't sit still. I never get that restless feeling until I try talking it's so odd. I think it's kind of like what Moimaad (a user here) was talking about how when trying to fake emotions it causes the body to become really distressed. 

 

I will take daily notes, thank you again 

[RachelSusan]

@18yoldoffZoloft Hi Julia, My heartbreaks for you because I know what you are going through. I have lived it and it is pure h*ll. My situation was with Zoloft as well.

 

There were weeks I too couldn't go out of the house, it was too much. During those days I did whatever I had to get through the day. The things that helped me were sadly very minor. They didn't do a heck of a lot but no matter how small it was better than nothing. For me I found a warm bath with epsom salt helped, but only while I was in the water. Sometimes just holding a heading pad clutched to my chest - and maybe this was psychological at best - calmed me.  Have you found anything, no matter how small that helps with anything?

 

I know you are probably in the midst of despair, fear, agony, and pain wondering if you will ever recover.  It does get better, recovery does happen. Hang in there. Keep an eye on the gabapentin though. I was put on gabapentin to help with my zoloft problem. I am now trying to get off of it and that has turned into another problem.  It may not feel like it but gabpentin is a powerful drug in the sense of what it is doing to your body. Does it help very much with your symptoms? For me it didn't do a heck of a lot with the symptoms.

 

I think you mentioned the ground looks like it is moving. Yes I had that as well.  I had all the cognitive/visual issues you are talking about. The feeling drunk, all of it. If you need support you can either come to my page or write me on your page by using the @ and my name. I know support doesn't change what you are going through but sometimes just having someone say "yes I experienced that as well" does offer something.

 

Hang in there Julia.  What you are experiencing is probably the worst thing you have ever gone through in your life. Your family is probably struggling to try and figure out how to help you.  But it does it get better. Let me repeat that, it does get better.  I probably could say it 100 times and it would still be hard for you to believe.  But I have been in the thick of it just like you, and I made a 100% recovery.

 

 

[zepedroj]

13 hours ago, 18yoldoffZoloft said:

I'm doing pretty much the same, it doesn't even feel like my neurotransmitters are dysregulated it feels like they died  I lost all my interests and habits that made me myself like they've been wiped out and my only thoughts are just looping words and sentences that don't make sense. I've heard about this happening with failed antidepressant reinstatements and theres really nothing you can do except wait maybe?? This is just awful. 

 

Thank you for checking in though, I hope you're doing well <33 

I'm glad to hear from you. Just know that I too am in a terrible situation. 

 

I've seen very little improvement in the timespan of 3 months. Every GP and a Psychiatrist that I've gone to say that it's a relapse in depression and that I should take an antidepressant. 

 

On top of that, I need to resume my masters and start a new job on September. I'm terrified of not seeing significant improvement on my symptoms up until then:

 

Anhedonia (this has improved like 10 % or so)

Emotional Blunting 

Anxiety (tolerable, I refuse to take the Clonazepam I was prescribed)

Cognitive impairments 

Memory problems

 

Just know we are in this situation together. You are very young, that's definitely in your favor as your brain is more malleable. Just pray for your parents for compassion and keep going to therapy, please.

 

I'll be rooting for you up until the end of this 😁✌️✌️

[Altostrata]

@zepedroj @covfefe please post your questions in your own Introductions topics so as not to take this topic off-track.

[Carmie]

Hi there @18yoldoffZoloft, I hope you’re managing to cope as best you can, I’m sorry you’re struggling so much. Just popping around to say that I enjoy reading your encouraging posts on other people’s threads, despite how much you’re suffering. 
 

Sending you hugs🤗

[BelaLugosi]

Feeling a lot like you, hoping for you to get better!

[RachelSusan]

@18yoldoffZoloft Hi Julia,

It's been a while since you posted.  Please let us know how you are doing.