2cats2272: Introduction

[2cats2272]

@Catina7 thank you for being such a lifeline. Thank you for shedding a light on what I need to see and focus on. 💜

[Catina7]

6 hours ago, 2cats2272 said:

@Catina7 thank you for being such a lifeline. Thank you for shedding a light on what I need to see and focus on. 💜

 

I'm sorry you're going through this and am glad that I'm able to support you during this difficult time.  If I can help at least one person to not give up then it's all worth it. 

 

Every day when you wake up, just think about getting through THAT day...nothing more, nothing less. 

 

Our brains have an amazing capacity to change and heal.  Continue to trust that your brain will heal from this trauma, it just takes lots of time.  I do know that worry and stress can impede healing, so that's something that can motivate you to keep calm and think positively.  Give your brain and body lots of TLC right now!

 

I hope you have a good enough day today.  Hang in there...we're all rooting for you!  🤗

[2cats2272]

Thanks as usual @Catina7. My days are good enough. Sleep is still horrible. My fingers are still bothering me but it’s changed. It’s pins and needles, crawling feelings. It’s not limited to my hands though. The dread is still here. The negative thoughts (it’s never going to get better, this is how you’ll feel forever). I can change the thought pattern though, so that’s a positive.
I know for sure that reinstating isn’t an option. I’ll just end up going through this again. I’m getting closer to 7 months off and it feels never ending. 
I'm grateful because I haven’t stopped working. I continue to support my kids. I just feel like I’m suffering alone. I don’t tell anyone because they wouldn’t understand. When I’ve said anything in the past to friends or family, they just say maybe I should try a different medication 🤦‍♀️

I feel frustrated and alone. I’ve stopped therapy because my therapist thinks I’m doing great. Which I am in that sense. I’ve gained tools and have learned skills but it’s rather useless with withdrawal. I am starting emdr tomorrow. I guess we will see. I’m just tired. Tired of it all. 

[2cats2272]

I guess I shouldn’t have said I stopped therapy. I put it on hold to see a different therapist (my other one suggested the switch to do emdr). Anyhow, I saw her today. It was a “meet and greet” she’s lovely and understands where I’m coming from. 
she said I’ve checked all the boxes for depression and think I should see a psychiatrist and discuss meds. I strongly but nicely said that I am in withdrawal. I don’t think she agrees 

[Catina7]

40 minutes ago, 2cats2272 said:

I guess I shouldn’t have said I stopped therapy. I put it on hold to see a different therapist (my other one suggested the switch to do emdr). Anyhow, I saw her today. It was a “meet and greet” she’s lovely and understands where I’m coming from. 
she said I’ve checked all the boxes for depression and think I should see a psychiatrist and discuss meds. I strongly but nicely said that I am in withdrawal. I don’t think she agrees 

 

That's good that you like your EMDR therapist, but it's unfortunate that she does not understand your current situation.  Hopefully one day they'll "get it."

[2cats2272]

Morning anxiety  has worsened. Anxiety goes away rather quickly once I’m up but then low mood sets in. No motivation, zoning out. I have trouble focusing on one thing without getting distracted. I’m exhausted and have no appetite at all. Headaches are new. I’m worried that I’m almost 7 months off and I’m feeling this way. Work is becoming very hard to manage. It’s non negotiable. I support my kids myself. I’ve never felt depressed before and I’m scared 

[Catina7]

35 minutes ago, 2cats2272 said:

Morning anxiety  has worsened. Anxiety goes away rather quickly once I’m up but then low mood sets in. No motivation, zoning out. I have trouble focusing on one thing without getting distracted. I’m exhausted and have no appetite at all. Headaches are new. I’m worried that I’m almost 7 months off and I’m feeling this way. Work is becoming very hard to manage. It’s non negotiable. I support my kids myself. I’ve never felt depressed before and I’m scared 

 

Do you have any friends and family that would be able to help you in any way?  I'm not sure what you do for work, but can you alter some things to make it easier on yourself such as working from home if that's an option?  I'm sorry you're having a hard time.  You are still healing and recovering, even though it may not feel like it.  It's terrible what coming off these meds can do to us, but you WILL heal eventually...I am sure of that!  Hang in there...one day at a time.  

[2cats2272]

I work on brain injury rehab and drive a lot for work. Working from home isn’t an option. I just feel so bad. Not interested in anything but going to bed. I’m trying to be optimistic and hope that I’m healing ❤️‍🩹 

[Catina7]

1 hour ago, 2cats2272 said:

I work on brain injury rehab and drive a lot for work. Working from home isn’t an option. I just feel so bad. Not interested in anything but going to bed. I’m trying to be optimistic and hope that I’m healing ❤️‍🩹 

 

I'm sorry you feel so bad and that you aren't able to make any work adjustments.  Feeling depressed and not being interested in doing anything really sucks.  If you don't mind me asking, what is your diet like?  

 

It's interesting that you work in brain injury rehab because that's exactly what YOUR brain is trying to do - rehabilitate itself and get back to normal.  As you know, it takes time and patience.  May you continue to endure the best that you can and realize that you are doing a great job in trying your best to recover from this.  Sending you a HUGE hug today!  🤗

[2cats2272]

My diet isn’t great. I have no appetite. I eat dinner (very little). It’s usually well balanced but I know I’m not getting enough. 

[Catina7]

12 hours ago, 2cats2272 said:

My diet isn’t great. I have no appetite. I eat dinner (very little). It’s usually well balanced but I know I’m not getting enough. 

 

It's hard to eat when you don't have any appetite...I'm sorry.  You need to keep your strength up though.  Even a simple protein shake w/ some added greens will give you lots of nutrients.

[2cats2272]

You’re right. I’m going to make a real effort to eat throughout the day 💜

[FeralCatman]

I just posted this on another thread for someone who is having trouble eating and thought you may find it helpful.

 

 

[2cats2272]

Thank you @FeralCatman I just bought one and drank it. 

[2cats2272]

Had a dr appt today. He said (obviously) it’s my baseline anxiety and suggested I take a new medication. It is so so tough when I really trust him. Then I remember he just doesn’t know.  I feel like I’m worse now than I was a few months ago. I know it’s not linear but I’m anxious, low mood, crying, exhausted but barely sleep. This wave has been so tough. Going on 3 weeks now I think. The good thing is I didn’t take the prescription, I go back in 2 months. 

[Catina7]

39 minutes ago, 2cats2272 said:

Had a dr appt today. He said (obviously) it’s my baseline anxiety and suggested I take a new medication. It is so so tough when I really trust him. Then I remember he just doesn’t know.  I feel like I’m worse now than I was a few months ago. I know it’s not linear but I’m anxious, low mood, crying, exhausted but barely sleep. This wave has been so tough. Going on 3 weeks now I think. The good thing is I didn’t take the prescription, I go back in 2 months. 

 

I am SO glad you trusted what you understand about withdrawal over your doctor.  They're not trying to harm us further, they just don't understand.  All they have to offer is another drug or another dosage.  Heck, I've seen more trial and error in psychiatry than I have with any other speciality.  It's ludicrous!  We have to become our own healthcare advocates and do what we know is best for us.  

 

I'm sorry your wave is lasting a while.  Keep fighting and enduring...healing is still happening. 

[BigCat]

15 minutes ago, Catina7 said:

 

I am SO glad you trusted what you understand about withdrawal over your doctor.  They're not trying to harm us further, they just don't understand.  All they have to offer is another drug or another dosage.  Heck, I've seen more trial and error in psychiatry than I have with any other speciality.  It's ludicrous!  We have to become our own healthcare advocates and do what we know is best for us.  

 

I'm sorry your wave is lasting a while.  Keep fighting and enduring...healing is still happening. 

There are lots of cats on this site. 

 

Trial and error?  Absolutely.  Different psychiatrists have their preferred diagnoses for the same presentation.  Different prescribers have their favourite meds. 

 

Morning anxiety?  My own "bete noire" (can't manage a circumflex above the first 'e', forgive me).

Best wishes and good luck to you @2cats2272 Will look out for you. 

[Catina7]

12 minutes ago, BigCat said:

There are lots of cats on this site

 

Yes, that's one thing I've noticed too....LOTS of cat people!  We're in good company, aren't we?!  😻

[BigCat]

1 minute ago, Catina7 said:

 

Yes, that's one thing I've noticed too....LOTS of cat people!  We're in good company, aren't we?!  😻

In humour, it must be worth a PhD to someone to look into that. 

 

On a more serious note, cats (and dogs) give us such unconditional support and love.  I love my dog, but my cats are special.  The Ancient Egyptians knew a few things...

[Catina7]

3 minutes ago, BigCat said:

cats (and dogs) give us such unconditional support and love

 

Yes, they do.  Animals have always been very precious to me.  We have six rescue kitties that are our children.  I grew up as a dog person but ended up a cat person - go figure!  

[2cats2272]

I have 6 kids but my cats are my babies 💜

[2cats2272]

Well, some good news! Thank God! I’m feeling better. The last couples days things have been easing. Physically, I’m good, symptoms have eased. Mornings are tough still. I wake early and my anxiety is high.

I still don’t have an appetite but I’m eating more than I was. By the evening, I’m pretty good. The little windows aren’t perfect but they for sure are my saving grace. Healing is happening!! Slow and steady wins the race, right? If only I had tapered that way. For now, I sos grateful for this window. 

[Catina7]

10 hours ago, 2cats2272 said:

Well, some good news! Thank God! I’m feeling better. The last couples days things have been easing. Physically, I’m good, symptoms have eased. Mornings are tough still. I wake early and my anxiety is high.

I still don’t have an appetite but I’m eating more than I was. By the evening, I’m pretty good. The little windows aren’t perfect but they for sure are my saving grace. Healing is happening!! Slow and steady wins the race, right? If only I had tapered that way. For now, I sos grateful for this window. 

 

l am SO happy to hear this...yay!  🤗

[2cats2272]

 I’m still having my windows but it fluctuates throughout the day. How can it change so much?  Late Afternoons and evenings are my windows. Mornings are 🤢 

[Catina7]

29 minutes ago, 2cats2272 said:

How can it change so much?

 

That's the million dollar question, but I think it's just the way that healing works.  It's never linear, it's constantly changing...up, down, left, right.  Your brain is very busy foraging new pathways to find its way back to a sense of normal.  I guess we can kind of think of it like a brain "defrag."  Have you ever done a defragmentation on your computer?  It puts all the files that have gotten out of place back where they belong.  I think it's similar to what our brains are doing.  

 

You'll get there eventually!  Hang tight, hang left, hang right!  😘

[BigCat]

3 hours ago, Catina7 said:

 

That's the million dollar question,  Your brain is very busy foraging new pathways to find its way back to a sense of normal.  I guess we can kind of think of it like a brain "defrag."  Have you ever done a defragmentation on your computer?  It puts all the files that have gotten out of place back where they belong. 

 I like that analogy- I am encouraged by the research on neuro-plasticity and our brain's ability to adapt. 

In a similar way, EMDR therapy suggests that we sometimes need help to "defragged" after trauma and I have found it useful. I suspect that AD therapy gets in the way, then we are further traumatised every time we try to come off an antidepressant or anxiolytic or mood stabiliser. 

[BigCat]

I am trying to remember what life was like before I started on ADs.  I guess I has times of unhappiness and anxiety.  I guess it got so bad that I went to my doctor.  Thinking back, there were lots of personal and work/environmental reasons for met be distressed at the time.  I thought the problem was me and that I needed fixing.

Is what you are experiencing now similar to when your first embarked on this journey?  If it is, then WD is not the issue.  

Mornings?  Overrated!!!!!!!

[Catina7]

7 minutes ago, BigCat said:

Is what you are experiencing now similar to when your first embarked on this journey?  If it is, then WD is not the issue.

 

I've always had anxiety problems, even before taking antidepressants, but going through withdrawal has definitely made the anxiety worse.  I really want to get to a place where my brain can get back to normal, the way it was before these drugs, so I can treat my anxiety in a more holistic way.  

[BigCat]

34 minutes ago, Catina7 said:

 

I've always had anxiety problems, even before taking antidepressants, but going through withdrawal has definitely made the anxiety worse.  I really want to get to a place where my brain can get back to normal, the way it was before these drugs, so I can treat my anxiety in a more holistic way.  

I've always been "hypervigilant" but the anxiety symptoms have definitely worsened over decades of AD use.  Difficult to tell what is a valid experience as I'm either anxious or shut down.  I don't think it was always like this...

 

 

[Catina7]

26 minutes ago, BigCat said:

the anxiety symptoms have definitely worsened over decades of AD use

 

Yes, mine have too!  Oh, it's such a mess.  I just hope that one day we all can completely recover!

[2cats2272]

@BigCat I’ve always been anxious too. Nothing like this rollercoaster though. 

[2cats2272]

I wonder why I feel really good late afternoon/evening. I have an appetite, I can laugh, I just generally feel good. This is relatively new but it’s just bizarre. 
The mornings I’m still jarred awake early, anxiety is high and stays with me until early afternoon, then it fades away. 

[Catina7]

3 minutes ago, 2cats2272 said:

I wonder why I feel really good late afternoon/evening. I have an appetite, I can laugh, I just generally feel good. This is relatively new but it’s just bizarre. 
The mornings I’m still jarred awake early, anxiety is high and stays with me until early afternoon, then it fades away. 

 

I've seen a lot of people say this same thing.  I haven't personally experienced this, but evidently it's very common.  As to the mechanics of "why" it happens this way I'm not sure, but I know there's probably an explanation about it somewhere on here!

[2cats2272]

@Catina7 I guess it really doesn’t matter “why”. It’s just strange. I’m guessing it’s cortisol. It’s not perfect but I’m thankful for the reprieve.

[BigCat]

 

21 hours ago, 2cats2272 said:

@Catina7 I guess it really doesn’t matter “why”. It’s just strange. I’m guessing it’s cortisol. It’s not perfect but I’m thankful for the reprieve.

There's a term "diurnal variation"- really common when we become unhappy and depressed. 

One idea is that our body tries to "wake us up" with adrenaline that just fills us with anxiety and dread.

I suffer terribly, but know from experience that the sooner I get up and into the shower, etc...

Still a struggle after that, but a better option than lying in my bed, which I have plenty of experience of doing... 

[FeralCatman]

22 hours ago, Catina7 said:

 

I've seen a lot of people say this same thing.  I haven't personally experienced this, but evidently it's very common.  As to the mechanics of "why" it happens this way I'm not sure, but I know there's probably an explanation about it somewhere on here!

Cortisol is basically your wake-up hormone in the morning which counteracts the Melatonin which helped you sleep through the night. Cortisol levels are always highest first thing in the morning and for about an hour after you wake and that's in a healthy person. When in withdrawal you're disrupted nervous system is hypersensitive to the cortisol and a lot of people seem to get the early morning wakening response where you get jolted awake around between 3:00 and 5:00 in the morning and then you're just cranked up for a few hours and it gradually goes down over the course of the day as part of the normal cycle. During withdrawal of the cycle is just grossly exaggerated. Early on it hit me pretty hard between 3:00 and 7:00 or 8:00 a.m. and then started to get better but then I would get nailed again in about 3:00 p.m. until about 7:00 or 8:00 p.m. so it's pretty distressing and tiring but it does get better. As you move along through recovery it may disappear however I can reappear if you end up in a bad way of and then go away again. Ultimately when everything settles down it will go away for good.