Koala: Hello - I am very pleased I have found you

[koala]

This may be a bit long - if so, sorry. I am so pleased to have found this support forum after watching the Australian cut of The Antidepressant Story. I have had too many years struggling with what I thought was purely my own inherent nature. To be sure I have had issues to work through in my life - a tendency towards feeling shame being one - but I am lately gaining greater insight into the problems caused by these drugs that are so readily dished out by GPs who know nothing about them.

 

It is difficult to now sort back through my memories and tease apart those experiences that were most likely caused by unhealthy thought patterns and those that were most likely pharmacological. I do know that I was initially treated for depression around the breakup of a marriage entered into too young for me - and at that point I needed help. I also know that professional advice - including a very well-respected psychiatrist - never warned me about withdrawal syndrome. In fact that psych had me abruptly stop Nefazodone in order to then transition me 2 weeks later onto paroxetine without any warning, leading to catastrophic feelings of terror and being out of control.

 

I also know that over the years I have experienced very little depression but rather episodes of feeling dread and terror usually accompanied by thoughts of shame, failure and regret. I always experienced dizziness and mild confusion if I missed a pill or two, sometimes followed days later by an episode. From my own research and reasoning I understood these to be WD effects. What I didn't realise - and have never had any advice about from the prescribing doctors - was that the drugs may be making systemic changes with long term effects. I had to assume - and was encouraged by doctors to accept - that waves of terror and dread and being unable to bear being in my own skin that emerged a month after decrease or cessation were "relapse" to some generalised state of neurological mess that must be inherent to my nature.

 

This has of course squashed my confidence and made me reluctant to stop taking the escitalopram that has been my chemical for years. Nevertheless, in the past 4 years I have now had 3 very deliberate attempts to stop the drug using various tapering methods, but nothing as gradual as the 10% exponential method that seems to be becoming increasingly accepted as a sensible approach. On each occasion there have been immediate symptoms including dizziness, brain zaps, mood swings and sometimes nausea that appear to resolve and are then followed a month later by waves of dread and terror.

 

I interpreted my experience of this at the end of 2021 as being my body's reaction to time of life (mum dying, kid finishing school etc) and 2 years of lockdowns and diminished life caused by the COVID epidemic. I decided to use this as an opportunity to makes some life changes and these have been rewarding and exciting. I felt ready to try tapering off the drug again.

 

Starting about May I adopted what I thought was a very conservative and slow reduction and reached 1mg without any major issues emerging. 1 mg seemed like nothing and so I stopped. Within days I had dizziness and some zaps and also a few days of dread and shame. I saw my (well respected and usually wise) doctor at this point. She told me that if I was knocked around after stepping off 1mg the problem might be bipolar disorder and I should think about taking a raft of other medication. This shook me a little but after reading about bipolar I decided she was way off the mark.

 

The dread - but not the dizziness - then seemed to resolve until about week 5 after the total cessation when waves of dread and terror started. This time around I had just watched The Antidepressant Story which made me realise the extent to which the lived experiences of many people were very different to the commonly available advice (symptoms are usually mild and usually resolve within 2 weeks). I also learned about this forum.

 

I am now taking the following steps:

(1) I have on my own advice reinstated 2mg of escitalopram to try to stabilise,

(2) I am searching for a psych who may care enough about this issue to be able to support me on my journey going forward,

(3) I am using a different GP as the necessary fool who will write the scripts I need (he told me with assuredness that escitalopram was a safe drug that only needs a one month taper and any problems after that are evidence of an underlying problem that needs to be treated with the drug)

(4) I am making necessary practical steps to offload work and seek deferral of study

(5) I am reaching out to family (some of whom are supportive) and trusted friends and

(6) I am now here.

 

The waves are agony - starting in the morning and can continue with different degrees of intensity all day. During these I walk slowly around the neighborhood for hours at a time, which doesn't exactly bring ease but seems to help. I am finding I usually get a window in the late afternoon of evening when I can feel normal again and regain perspective. I am so pleased to have found this community and hope I can contribute as well as receive support from people with first hand experience of the same problem.

Edited October 2, 2023 by Emonda
Added spacing and name to Title

[Emonda]

Welcome to S.A. @koala

 

A few new members from Australia saw the same program you referred to. It was eye-opening, and confronting, yet beneficial. Your experience of not being warned about WD symptoms is all too common. The same happened to me. It is also all too common for WD symptoms to be confused with a relapse.

 

You may find it reassuring to read the WD symptom checklist. That way, when you experience something following a reduction in your AD down the track, or even now as you stabilise following your reinstatement, you may be able to reassure yourself that it is ‘normal’ and part of the process.

 

I’m glad you’ve heard about the maximum 10% monthly taper. The amount of the reduction gets smaller and smaller every month. I'm not sure how much you have read about the process, but I suggest you have a read of this Why taper by 10% of my dosage?

 

As to the steps you have taken:

1.     When did you reinstate (please include this in your drug signature), and how have your symptoms changed since then? You mentioned you’ve experienced some “windows”, and that’s encouraging.

2.     Can’t help here, unfortunately. In my ~27-year journey, this forum has provided me with the most valuable information and encouragement. It’s been a real blessing.

3.     I’ve never come across a GP in AUS knowledgeable in tapering from ADs – I am sure they are out there. Ultimately, you just need the GP to give you the prescription, and you taper as you feel comfortable, but no faster than the 10% monthly taper.

4.     Excellent strategy

5.     Also, an excellent strategy

6.     Glad you’re here. 

 

You refer to windows and waves, so it sounds like you had a good read of some of the material here. Throughout your taper, some days you’ll feel good and others not so. Sometimes, the rough patches can last days, weeks, or longer. We refer to this as the  Windows and waves pattern of stabilization. Have a read of these non-drug coping strategies to help you on your journey.

 

We don't suggest many supplements, but two that many of us find helpful are magnesium and omega-3 fish oil. Here are the links for info about those. Add one at a time and start with a low dose to see how it affects you. 

Magnesium

Omega 3 Fish Oil

 

Avoid alcohol. I was always fine with one or two drinks once or twice per week….until I wasn’t fine! My tolerance for alcohol vanished, and it’d leave me feeling anxious the next day.

 

Please post any updates here in your thread. It is helpful to keep everything related to your journey in one spot. You are very welcome to jump onto someone else's page and interact with them. The encouragement members give each other on this site is wonderful to see.

 

Sing out with any questions. 

 

Once again, welcome to S.A.

 

Emonda.

Edited October 2, 2023 by Emonda
info added

[koala]

Thanks Emonda.

 

What I'm calling windows and waves are what appear to be a daily pattern at the moment. Wake up very early with a wave of overwhelming dread and fear, often easing with some meditation and slow walking - up and down throughout most of the day - easing to a window of being pretty normal (sometimes happy even) in the evening. I will have to see how long that continues. 

 

I am concerned about whether I will stabilise on 2mg. It was I think 12 August when I jumped from 1mg to 0. It was 29 September I reinstated 2mg.

 

Good advice about alcohol - it was after a little red wine that the current dread and terror symptoms began. I am alcohol and caffeine free and seeing my naturopath this week.

 

Today is a lot better than yesterday so far.

[Emonda]

Hi @koala,

 

27 minutes ago, koala said:

I will have to see how long that continues. 

 

Keeping a daily mood diary is very helpful. I make some notes about how I feel and record a score out of 10. 1 = dreadful, 10 = awesome (I've never recorded a 10 🤔).

 

I find it helpful to reflect back over time, especially when feeling off.  It encourages me to see that perhaps I know my 'off periods' last 'x' period of time before improvement.

 

32 minutes ago, koala said:

I am concerned about whether I will stabilise on 2mg.

 

It's only been a few days since you reinstated. It may take a week or two to see improvement and perhaps four weeks for stability. In my situation before finding S.A., I dropped too fast, destabilised myself, subsequently up-dosed and found relief after a few weeks. I waited five or so months before tapering as per the 10%.

 

Time and patience are your friends in this process.

 

Emonda.

[Emonda]

Posted twice somehow 🤔.

Edited October 2, 2023 by Emonda

[koala]

This forum is so good. I can't tell you how glad I am to have found it after all these years. When I am more stable I will be keen to see what I can do to support it (beyond donation, which I will make). It feels so validating since for so many years my troubles only seemed to arise with changes to dose and/or cessation. I am now able to approach getting better through a different prism.

 

There are signs for me - I hope - that 2mg may be enough to stabilise with a little time. Day 6 on 2mg and my dizziness has gone. I have also had several longer periods of feeling (mostly) fine - free of the fear feelings. Unfortunately, restless legs/whole body and insomnia is happening quite badly, but I am managing to get about 4-5 hours sleep. In bed, my legs feel hot and tingly.

 

I am taking magnesium glycinate 150mg 4 times a day. I will see if that helps at all with the restless legs. It hasn't in the past, but I am reluctant to take the Sifrol that was prescribed. I might just put up with being sleep deprived for a while and catch a bit of sleep during the day.

 

Thanks again.

[Emonda]

23 minutes ago, koala said:

There are signs for me - I hope - that 2mg may be enough to stabilise with a little time

 

Great news @koala

 

24 minutes ago, koala said:

This forum is so good. I can't tell you how glad I am to have found it after all these years.

 

Completely agree! I was so overjoyed when I found this site. Alto and her team are amazing.

 

27 minutes ago, koala said:

restless legs/whole body and insomnia is happening quite badly, but I am managing to get about 4-5 hours sleep. In bed, my legs feel hot and tingly.

 

Time and patience...WD symptoms come and go, but it's part of the process. Insomnia impacts many of us here. You may find it helpful to read this link:

 

 

[koala]

An update - it seems to help to share.

 

I have read the material about reinstatement. I have reinstated several times over the years because this was the medical advice I got. This is the first time I have reinstated at a lower dose - 2 mg. I have been on this dose for 7 days.

 

Yesterday did feel unbearable to me, and came after 3 days of feeling a lot better. 

 

Current symptoms:

 

• Dizziness and any zaps have gone as well as the more hard to pin down symptoms of feeling “full” (or pressure) in the face.
• Lots of more minor indications of struggling nervous system - tremors, skin tingles etc.
• sleep is not great - hard to get to sleep and several wake ups each night followed by early morning jolt
• Yesterday was dominated by anxiety and fear with strong physical components (gut clenching, chest tightening etc) and persistent intrusive thoughts. Because the thoughts are about things that have surfaced periodically for me over a long term while both on and off ADs (to varying degrees), it can be hard to remind myself “this is withdrawal and attempted stabilisation” rather than “I am inherently unstable and weak and it is only due to ADs that I have had any good times in adult life”. Summoning mindfulness skills absolutely helps to avoid escalating. But it is still very difficult to stay the course and not be very afraid for the future.

 

I think I am right in saying that my nervous system has been put through the ringer and I have to expect anxiety spikes. I think I am also correct that at such times it is not surprising that the mind goes to familiar thoughts that “explain” the distress, including very unhelpful ones. 

 

I just have to keep reminding myself that until the onset of withdrawal symptoms I was generally feeling great and my thinking was healthy too. In other words what I am experiencing on and off now is plainly explicable by the mess that has been made by my recent drug history.

 

It is still only 7 days of reinstatement and I have shown some real signs of improvement. I think it is sensible for me to keep going with 2mg for at least another week.

 

Emonda - if you have any thoughts about all this based on your experience - or any encouraging words even - could be great to hear.

[Emonda]

Hi @Koala,

5 hours ago, koala said:

Yesterday did feel unbearable to me, and came after 3 days of feeling a lot better. 

 

Three good days, followed by a not-so-good day, sounds like windows and waves to me. Did you read that link in my first post above on windows and waves? I certainly continue to experience that on my journey.

 

5 hours ago, koala said:

Dizziness and any zaps have gone

 

This sounds very positive.

 

5 hours ago, koala said:

tremors, skin tingles etc.

 

Did you have a look at the WD symptom checklist? The things you list are on it, and I can relate to all of them. I've posted a screenshot of the WD Symptom checklist from Dr Glenmullen below for easy reference.

 

5 hours ago, koala said:

I think I am right in saying that my nervous system has been put through the ringer and I have to expect anxiety spikes. I think I am also correct that at such times it is not surprising that the mind goes to familiar thoughts that “explain” the distress, including very unhelpful ones. 

 

Completely agree with your assessment.

 

5 hours ago, koala said:

It is still only 7 days of reinstatement and I have shown some real signs of improvement. I think it is sensible for me to keep going with 2mg for at least another week.

 

You've seen signs of improvement after only a week. Definitely give it more time. I'd be thinking another two weeks at least. 

 

[koala]

Thanks for the reply Emonda.

 

Yes, I read the waves and windows material. I does seem very much like that.

 

I also read the checklist. Thanks for posting it again.

 

Yes, I will give it another 2 weeks. It is the course that makes most sense to me.

 

I’m sorry to hear you continue to experience the waves. I am grateful for your words. I wish you peace.

[koala]

Looking for Professional Help

 

Hi all

 

I am relatively new here (see my introduction etc).

 

I am feeling very nervous about not having any proper professional advice or even supervision around my attempted reinstatement of 2mg escitalopram. 

 

Has anyone had any luck with any Australian psychiatrist or other prescribing doctor? Obviously what I really want is someone who has an interest in the whole withdrawal/discontinuance issue (who has read up on or will be prepared to read up on the best literature there is).

 

I expect many of you will tell me to give up the search, but I feel like I need to try.

 

Thanks.

Edited October 10, 2023 by manymoretodays
merged to Introduction topic, title added

[koala]

I have been experiencing a lot of fear and ceaseless negative rumination and my sleep is getting worse. I think I got 1 hour max last night.

 

I am not feeling safe the way things are. It just feels irresponsible and foolish to be feeling this level of distress and trusting in my 2mg plan without professional support. I am considering a hospital admission. This would be a first for me - not something I could have imagined several short weeks ago. I would also love it if anyone had a recommendation for a psychiatrist who cares about withdrawal problems.

 

There is also a state of heightened distress in my small family because of the news over the past few days. I am sure this is contributing.

 

Cold showers bring some relief.

 

[Emonda]

Morning, @koala

Brief reply as I am at work.

 

20 minutes ago, koala said:

I am not feeling safe the way things are.

 

If things are very grim, reach out to Lifeline or similar. Don't stay on your own, be with someone else at this time.

 

Remember you had three good days recently, followed by two off days. The brain zaps have reduced/gone. It still sounds like windows and waves. 

 

23 minutes ago, koala said:

I have been experiencing a lot of fear and ceaseless negative rumination

 

I know the feeling. I've spent a bit of time in this link on my journey. Have you seen it? Have a read, and see if it helps:

 

 

 

25 minutes ago, koala said:

There is also a state of heightened distress in my small family because of the news over the past few days. I am sure this is contributing.

 

As in global news of the recent conflict in the Middle East? If this is what you are referring to, then yes, news of wars, especially if you have a connection to a particular country, is very upsetting. This could easily make you feel worse given you're already feeling fragile with WD symptoms.

 

If I've assumed incorrectly, maybe provide some clarity on the news.

 

Do you find gentle exercise helps? I find it very beneficial to get outside and exercise, even a short walk around the block. It's a beautiful day in Sydney today. Is this something that may calm your mind at this time?

 

...will come back to this post after work..sorry, got to go now.

[koala]

1 hour ago, Emonda said:

If things are very grim, reach out to Lifeline or similar. Don't stay on your own, be with someone else at this time.

Very good advice. I don’t think I am at that point. But it definitely feels better being around others at present.

1 hour ago, Emonda said:

I know the feeling. I've spent a bit of time in this link on my journey. Have you seen it? Have a read, and see if it helps:

 

Yes, there’s some good material there. I am a meditator and I do find the skills I have developed through that useful.

 

And yes, it the news from the Middle East that is distressing because we have connections to that part of the world. Thankfully, we’ve just learned that someone we were particularly worried about is safe.

 

I have been getting out and walking slowly for hours at a time. It brings some relief.

 

I think I mostly just don’t feel safe simply deciding by myself without consultation to put my faith in weathering the symptoms with hope of stabilisation on 2mg. It’s great to have the support of this site and I believe it the work you are doing. I think I will just feel much better with professional support too and in this particularly intense period it could feel safer to be in hospital - but we’ll see if that’s necessary. I’ve never contemplated it before on my journey and I now realise that I’ve been through this a few times.

 

Thanks for your support. It is appreciated.

[Emonda]

5 hours ago, koala said:

Thankfully, we’ve just learned that someone we were particularly worried about is safe.

 

I have been getting out and walking slowly for hours at a time. It brings some relief.

 

Good news x 2

 

 

[manymoretodays]

On 10/8/2023 at 4:36 AM, koala said:

Looking for Professional Help

 

Hi all

 

I am relatively new here (see my introduction etc).

 

I am feeling very nervous about not having any proper professional advice or even supervision around my attempted reinstatement of 2mg escitalopram. 

 

Has anyone had any luck with any Australian psychiatrist or other prescribing doctor? Obviously what I really want is someone who has an interest in the whole withdrawal/discontinuance issue (who has read up on or will be prepared to read up on the best literature there is).

 

I expect many of you will tell me to give up the search, but I feel like I need to try.

 

Thanks.

 

Hi Koala, cute name and welcome aboard,

I merged your new stand alone topic back here, and will direct you to topics that you'll be interested in.  I'm not an Aussie and I would not tell you to give up the search.  Here are some options:

Recommended doctors, therapists, and clinics

that one's ^ is in tapering

"Check in" topics- members near you

this one is in "Members only" so you'll need to be signed in to find the Australian section

 

You might also try MadInAmerica's site.......I don't think there is a MadInAustralian site yet, scratching my head.  The first one does have a professional list, just go to the top drop down menu.

 

Many of us, me included........looked around, searched in the beginning.......for a knowledgeable provider to assist with our tapers.  So you are not alone.

 

You can, feel free to post on any of those topics now too.

 

Welcome again.

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

manymoretodays(mmt)

[koala]

Thanks a lot for your reply @manymoretodays.

 

I think I have now found a psych who is at least sensitive to the problems many people face coming off these drugs. 

 

He didn't think my 2mg reinstatement was a bad idea, but did suggest that since I was having so much trouble still after 10 days, that I increase it to 5mg. He is happy to work with me to get me off the drug when I am stabilised and ready. He is more of a psychotherapist than a drug dispensing type, but says he is aware of the growing literature about withdrawal. He says that when it comes to discontinuing, he has helped people successfully switch from escitalopram to fluoxetine and then taper off, but we'll talk about that and other strategies when the time is right.

 

I ended up taking his advice and am taking 5mg. There are some good signs of stabilisation that I am hoping will continue. I really don't want to start again at 10mg.

 

I have started doing a small amount of low-pressure work (I am self-employed) because although I need rest, I suspected that an outward looking distraction was needed. This seems to have been good too, so long as I don't overdo it. 

 

I am exercising gently outdoors (walking), listening to podcasts, talking with a small handful of trusted friends about what I'm going through.

 

Taking magnesium glycinate and a decent fish oil. 

 

I am really hoping I have turned a corner and can stabilise ahead of a very slow and more carefully managed taper.

 

Thank you for your welcome and well-wishing. 

 

It looks like you've been drug free for a few years now. Well done. I hope you're going well.

 

Best,

 

The Koala

[manymoretodays]

Hi Koala,

Okay, so you did 2 mg, and now up to 5 mg.  Instead of currently, put the date please, spell out the month. 

On 10/11/2023 at 7:17 PM, koala said:

I ended up taking his advice and am taking 5mg. There are some good signs of stabilisation that I am hoping will continue. I really don't want to start again at 10mg.

 

I have started doing a small amount of low-pressure work (I am self-employed) because although I need rest, I suspected that an outward looking distraction was needed. This seems to have been good too, so long as I don't overdo it. 

 

I am exercising gently outdoors (walking), listening to podcasts, talking with a small handful of trusted friends about what I'm going through.

 

Taking magnesium glycinate and a decent fish oil. 

 

I am really hoping I have turned a corner and can stabilise ahead of a very slow and more carefully managed taper.

 

It does sound like you are stabilizing and so that is great.  Make no mistake though........there may be Waves and Windows  Unfortunate, but often the case.  I agree, stay put with 5 mg and no more increases.  I'm not a huge fan of fluoxetine cross overs......I mean I think you'd fare just as well HOLDING for several months at 5 mg escitalopram, and then proceeding with no more than 10% off each previous dosage.  I'm hoping this prescribing, more like a psychotherapist, will not push you any faster than that when you are feeling ready.

And will help will non-drug coping skills to get through.

 

Yes, I did it!  Finally with the last 2 medications.... with more education and empowerment.  And am doing quite well.

 

Please keep updating Koala.  And reading here too when you have time.  You are in charge.  You got this.  It will take a bit of time and you have that.  Patience too.  But I fully expect you'll get drug free.

 

L, P, H, and G,

mmt

[koala]

Yes, waves and windows. Unfortunately, last night and today has been a wave. For me these can feel strangely bearable for quite a while - part of the background along with the tinnitus (which I have had for years but, yes, does seem to become more deafening sometimes) and then there seems to be a spike which is very frightening and feels like too much to handle.

 

I think my biggest fear is not knowing how long this will continue. I am aware of how long PAWS/PWS has gone on for some and frankly don't know how they managed to keep themselves alive.

 

A possible positive is that I have discovered that even though the withdrawal waves have a bio-chemical/physiological cause, I am at least sometimes able to get relief from them by applying techniques from therapy to the thoughts and beliefs that the waves generate. In other words, I think there will be value in pursuing therapy as a way to help make the waves more bearable and as a way of wringing some more personal growth out of this ordeal.

 

Thanks @manymoretodays and @Emonda for your responses and encouragement.

[Emonda]

On 10/12/2023 at 12:17 PM, koala said:

I ended up taking his advice and am taking 5mg. There are some good signs of stabilisation that I am hoping will continue

 

1 hour ago, koala said:

I think there will be value in pursuing therapy as a way to help make the waves more bearable and as a way of wringing some more personal growth out of this ordeal.

 

This all sounds promising, @koala. You've got a great attitude. You will stabilise with more time and continued patience.

 

Keep us posted 👍

Edited October 13, 2023 by Emonda

[koala]

Update. Yesterday was a bad day following a night with probably 1 hour’s sleep. The fear and dread really took hold and overwhelmed me at times and I felt small and hopeless. It lifted a little in the late afternoon and I had a long phone conversation with a trusted friend while out walking. I went to bed early dismayed by the state of the world but feeling more normal in myself. Woke at about 3.30am with fear in my body but maybe dozed a little on and off until sunrise. Right now I am feeling hopeful again. I think I am gaining a better understanding of the fear and dread. There is no doubt in my mind that the strong feelings are being caused by the struggling state of my nervous system which has been knocked around so much by the AD. But the images, memories and themes that emerge in it are mine and right now, this morning, it feels like I can be brave and learn from them. A friend has invited me on a short bush walk this morning and I am going to go.

[Emonda]

Hi @koala,

On 10/15/2023 at 7:59 AM, koala said:

Yesterday was a bad day following a night with probably 1 hour’s sleep.

 

I reckon anyone would have a bad day following 1 hour's sleep! Be kind to yourself. Sometimes, I play very quiet background music at night so that when I wake up, it distracts me / stops my mind from racing. Could something like this help calm your mind and improve sleep?

 

On 10/15/2023 at 7:59 AM, koala said:

fear and dread really took hold and overwhelmed me

 

Yeah, it's not a nice feeling. I had two days like that last week, following a reduction in my dose. It lifts. I'm glad to read it lifted in the afternoon for you following a chat on the phone 👍

 

On 10/15/2023 at 7:59 AM, koala said:

dismayed by the state of the world.

 

Whether someone is dealing with WD symptoms or not, I reckon this sounds like a reasonable response to current world events. More so, if you have connections to those countries impacted.

 

On 10/15/2023 at 7:59 AM, koala said:

Right now I am feeling hopeful again

 

Sounds like windows and waves...It's a positive sign of gradual stability.

 

On 10/15/2023 at 7:59 AM, koala said:

A friend has invited me on a short bush walk this morning and I am going to go.

 

Time and continued patience...plus getting out and doing stuff with family and friends. You will stabilise, then, when you are ready in a few months...very slow tapering.

[koala]

Could I be stabilising? I so much hope so. For the second morning in a row my experience has been the familiar wake early with a fear spike, but then I have settled again into relative calm. I also feel physically stronger. It is cool and cloudy outside and I will go for a walk soon.

[koala]

Letter I delivered to doctor today.Letter to dr_Redacted.pdf

[Emonda]

Hi @koala,

8 hours ago, koala said:

For the second morning in a row my experience has been the familiar wake early with a fear spike, but then I have settled again into relative calm. I also feel physically stronger.

 

The fact that this settles to a state of calmness relatively quickly is encouraging, as is feeling physically stronger. 

 

3 hours ago, koala said:

Letter I delivered to doctor today

 

Educating doctors, one doctor at a time...I love it. 

 

 

[koala]

I think I am stabilising. This is now the fourth morning in a row where I have woken with only relatively mild fear in my body and little psychological distress. This has resolved as I have got up and got going. 

 

I am still not sleeping well. I am tired. I have other relatively mild physical symptoms. But I do not have that crippling, consuming fear. This is such a relief and I am so grateful. I hope so much that this will continue.

[koala]

I clearly spoke too soon. Although the general trend has been towards stabilising, with days of feeling so much better, I am in a bad space with fear and dread today after a 3am wake.
 

It is a month now since the WD surfaced and just over 3 weeks since reinstatement first on 2mg and then 5mg. 
 

Can I expect stabilisation to take a few more weeks?

[Emonda]

11 hours ago, koala said:

Although the general trend has been towards stabilising

 

Gradual improvement is a good sign. You should be encouraged by this general trend.

 

Sometimes, it is three steps forward and one step backward. Then, five steps forward and six backwards...being better off than you were back at the start.

 

Overall, are you in a better place than when you first posted? Based on what I read, I'm thinking you are.

 

I've reduced my dose by 82% since I found this site...sounds great doesn't it...look at my drug signature, and all you see is progress, but that doesn't tell the actual story. I've experienced windows and waves the entire time. Only two weeks ago, when I made my first drop after a two-week hold, for three days, I had feelings of fear and impending doom. It has settled since then. Expect windows and waves, and not necessarily in a predictable pattern.

 

Continue to be patient. Let your body adjust to the medication changes you have made.

Edited October 23, 2023 by Emonda

[koala]

Update. Improvement is definitely happening. I keep on thinking I’m there - stable! But the lack of good sleep for weeks on end and then days like today when the fear returns make it hard to keep going. So it’s now just over 4 weeks after reinstatement - at 2mg for about 10 days and then 5mg. If escitalopram takes 6-8 weeks to accumulate fully I guess I’m still on track and have to just be patient.

[Emonda]

1 hour ago, koala said:

Improvement is definitely happening.

 

I'm really happy to read this, Koala.

 

1 hour ago, koala said:

But the lack of good sleep for weeks on end and then days like today when the fear returns make it hard to keep going

 

Sadly, sleep is something that impacts most of us on ADs. Mine is up and down, too. It's the ADs and probably some stress/worry you mentioned a while back regarding global conflict.

 

1 hour ago, koala said:

I guess I’m still on track and have to just be patient.

 

Yep, time and continued patience. Remember the Windows and waves link...we all have ups and downs. Sometimes, those downs can be quite intense....but as you said, improvement is definitely happening.

[koala]

I see you’ve made several small dose decreases lately. I hope you’re doing well with it emonda. 

[Emonda]

I'm chipping away at it, Koala.

 

2% per week is my limit. I tried 2.5%, and it was too much.

 

I look at my taper history for a boost now and again. It all looks positive, but like everyone, I experience WD.

 

I have to remind myself....Time and continued patience.

 

You're doing great👍

[Carmie]

Hi @koala, just wanted to say hello from a fellow Aussie here. I knew straight away you lived in Australia with a name like koala🐨😁. 
 

Sorry to hear that you’re struggling to sleep. I don’t know if it will help, but do you use blue light blocking glasses in the evening? I put mine on every evening. I wear glasses, but I have clip on blue light lenses that I put over them. 
 

Sending hugs🤗

[koala]

Thanks for your message @Carmie. Yes, the name is a giveaway. I am not using a blue light blocker on my glasses, but neither am I doing screens in the evening. My sleep trouble since this began has been staying asleep. At least I am not waking in fright at the moment. 

 

You seem to be making steady progress with your taper. I hope this is going well.

 

Best,

 

The koala

[koala]

Update: I am hopeful that I am getting nearer to stabilisation, including because I have not woken in fright for some time now.

 

Good news for me also is that when I get into a wave - which can still be pretty frightening - I don't seem to be stuck in it as long.

 

Since the onset of withdrawals I have experienced strong waves of fear and dread purely as a result of my nervous system struggling. Concerns and stresses that usually I can sit with and navigate just fine have felt at times completely overwhelming and gut wrenchingly unbearable. But for me, particularly as time has gone on, it has also been important to recognise the thoughts and memories arising are my own and to do what I can to use this awful life episode as an opportunity for as much growth and healing as possible.

 

As I head towards stability it is great to be able to observe my fear often abating in the course of a supportive conversation, or with a very short nap when I can no longer stay awake. I think I am also finding psychotherapy useful. It would have been nice to sort some of this stuff out better earlier in life, but you just can't time thins stuff I guess.

 

Daily meditation - during windows or less intense waves - is also now feeling useful. For about 2 weeks now I have been doing simple awareness of breath meditations, working on feeling deeply into the breath and strengthening concentration. I am hoping this helps to rebuild my nervous system in a more healthy way.

 

I am trying to do several hours a day of work. Luckily not all my clients have deserted me while I have been out of action and I still have a small amount of work to get through. Unfortunately my course of study is in a mess and I will probably have to repeat subjects next year. Ah well, so be it.

 

My goodness I am tired though. 6 or 7 weeks of seldom more than 4-5 hours sleep and all this awful and intense emotion has really worn me out.

 

Signing off,

 

The koala

 

[getofflex]

Koala, it sounds like you have a wonderful positive attitude, and many excellent coping skills.  You are doing a great job!  I can relate to being tired due to chronic insomnia, I've been in that boat for years, but my sleep is improving very very gradually, and yours will too!  For that I'm grateful.  Another thing that can help regulate your nervous system is walking outside, if you are able.  It really helps me.